Guy With 2 Jobs Starts Simply Leaving When His Jobless Wife Can’t Get Son Ready In Time For Daycare
Raising children is a difficult task, and hardly anyone could deny that it goes much more smoothly when done with teamwork. However, not all teams work together as well as they should.
Facing such difficulties, a father came to the Reddit AITA community to ask if he was wrong to make a new policy at home, stating that if his son is not ready to leave for daycare on time, he stays home with his mom, as otherwise, it causes the man to be late for work, which he cannot afford to be. Read below to learn the full story!
More info: Reddit
Making a family work requires a team effort, which, unfortunately, isn’t always there
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
The poster tells how, since his wife doesn’t drive, he takes his son to the daycare in the morning on his way to work
Image credits: Ono Kosuki (not the actual photo)
The job that the man does requires him to be on time, but because his wife is usually in no rush to get their son ready, he was late several times
Image credits: Keira Burton (not the actual photo)
After being late due to the same issue a few times, the author left alone and told his wife she should’ve gotten their son ready on time, which made her very angry
Image credits: u/Jaded_Permit_7209
In the comments, the author explained that his wife has severe anxiety, doesn’t work, and can’t take care of their boy alone, so he has 2 jobs to provide for them and afford daycare
The OP and his wife have a 3-year-old boy who goes to daycare. The mother doesn’t work or drive, and thus, taking him there falls in with the father’s responsibilities.
They are supposed to leave before 8:45. However, the woman often takes her sweet time getting their child fed and ready, causing the man to be late for work, which is something he can’t afford to do.
After a few of these incidents, the husband decided he wouldn’t wait past the set time and simply set off to work alone. When the wife called, she was livid, but the OP coldly replied that she should have gotten him ready on time if she didn’t want him to stay home.
At first, it seemed to have worked, but she fell right back into her old pattern soon after. When another similar argument ensued, the poster came to Reddit seeking outside opinions.
Although the commenters declared the OP to be NTA, they were worried about his son not spending enough time with his parents, as well as the author’s health, and had many questions not answered initially. Fortunately, they weren’t kept in the dark for long.
As it turns out, due to the family’s financial situation, the author works two jobs. He doesn’t get home until around 11 PM and then has to eat, shower, and do his laundry. He gets to bed no earlier than 1 AM with all these responsibilities and, therefore, has no time to help in the morning.
The catch, however, is that his wife doesn’t work. In fact, she’s not even looking for a job but doesn’t want to take care of their child during the day. According to the OP, she gets overwhelmed and has angry outbursts, although she wasn’t diagnosed with any disorder when she was professionally evaluated.
The OP said he doesn’t know what she does during the day, but when he returns home, she’s usually scrolling through her phone. It seems that at the time of the post, they have not yet discussed this most recent issue between themselves, and it’s unclear whether they intend to.
Image credits: Los Muertos Crew (not the actual photo)
As the author said, his wife was not diagnosed with any condition. However, since anxiety and anger outbursts were mentioned more than once, we decided to look into the connection between the two.
According to Takiatry, anxiety is unpredictable and can include a lot more symptoms beyond the most obvious ones. When talking about it, people usually first think of worry, doubt, and fear, yet one of the main things it can cause is irritation.
Unfortunately, this can easily lead a person to a closed circle. Anxiety causes irritation, and irritation causes anxiety because of worrying about future anger outbursts.
The article tells us that there are different theories explaining the connection between anxiety and anger. Some suggest this might be an automatic defense mechanism, protecting the brain from stronger feelings of anxiety as anger leaves not much room for other unpleasant emotions.
Others say that it may all be due to chemicals the body produces during a “fight or flight” response. While this system is supposed to help us protect ourselves against threats, when it is triggered by misplaced anxiety, and there is no real danger around, the emotional changes it stirs up are left without a target and eventually burst out where they probably shouldn’t.
According to Takiatry, there are a few relatively simple ways to deal with this kind of anger. For example, exercising is a well-known method for relieving stress and, in turn, anxiety, which is excellent for dealing with these problems.
If exercising is not an option, it’s always worth looking for alternatives in breathing exercises, gentle movement, meditation, and soothing (or not) music for distraction. These methods can help activate the nerves that keep you calm and relaxed, helping you phase out anger more smoothly.
The most important thing, however, is not to be impulsive and respond instead of reacting. Give yourself time before answering something that you feel has angered you. Pull yourself back, breathe, count to 10, and ask yourself what is the other person’s motive for saying what they did.
However, if these coping mechanisms are not enough, it’s best for you and everyone involved to seek out an expert who can give a more professional opinion regarding your exact situation and offer a more personalized approach to dealing with the problem.
But, after all, even when someone is evaluated, the diagnosis may not always be correct, and the situation, for better or worse, can change with time, which may be the situation with the OP’s wife. If there is a problem and things are not improving, looking for solutions from different angles is essential. Because in the end, this can make a huge difference in a person’s quality of life.
The commenters declared the OP NTA but were worried about the author’s health and child’s wellbeing, as well as had a lot of questions about the wife
Why the f**k is the kid in daycare?? That is just so ridiculous! The mother is home all day and he is working a second job to keep the kid in daycare. Is she unable to care for him? Did I miss something? This is insane
Exactly. "We cannot afford our current lifestyle and daycare". Then change your lifestyle and stop paying for daycare? Especially if getting your son ready for said daycare is always making you late for work. Save some money and stress!
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She has ONE JOB……….. she is disrespecting his time and jeopardizing his employment. He’s working and she’s ungrateful for his sacrifice so she can stay home. I would have left on time as well. One job. One f’ing job. And it’s his fault ? No, lady Do your part. Why is the kid in daycare anyway?
Even worse: she doesn't have one "job", she has one TASK. The TASK is getting the kid ready in the morning. If she was a true SAHM who cared for the child at home during the day along with household chores (OP says she doesn't even do LAUNDRY) then that would be a job. I know it's semantics and I'm not picking at you, Manimal, but just pointing out how LUDICROUS the wife is acting. It is literally ONE TASK and she REFUSES to do it, it's not that she "can't".
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I don't know why the mother doesn't work, but I would highly recommend to her that she starts working. The insane hours her husband makes are not sustainable in the long run and being dependent on one income is just not a good idea. Also, marriage is a partnership so the responsibility of earning an income should be shared. If a couple chooses for a stay-at-home parent, the least thing he/she could do is to ensure that the child is on time for daycare. Also, why day-care if the mother is home the whole day? Kindergarten a few mornings/afternoons a week I can understand, but daycare seems a bit overdone.
Op mentioned his wife not being able to drive... maybe that has something to do with her not having a job?
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Some of you have never dealt with PPD, extreme anxiety, depression, bipolar etc and it shows... I'm not excusing the mom; I definitely think she should talk to someone and they should try and work together to save their marriage and give their son a happy childhood if they can; however, these are really harsh and completely apathetic responses and criticisms without knowing the deeper issues involved. Don't judge someone or call them lazy or a b***h etc until you've walked a mile in their shoes.🙏
The kid is 3. I'd say the statute of limitations on "I have PPD so I'm incapable of doing anything," is up. And I'm saying this as a woman who's battled PTSD, depression and anxiety my entire adult life and still works full time. Not having the child ready by 8:45 is unconscionable when your husband works two jobs so you can do nothing. NTA x 100.
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If she "can't" or refuses to work, then she should be 100% responsible for the childcare. Why TF is a daycare needed? This poor man is being taken for a ride.
I'm glad some people recognize she might be unwell. Yes, she needs to step up, but think about what might be preventing her. Very little in this world is cut and dried.
Let'sall take a moment to acknowledge that one of those jobs probably pays for the daycare with little to nothing sig ifigant left over. Trading your time to make a paycheck so you can pay for childcare that is not exactly necessary will breed resentment towards the spouse by the OP. My husband and I are older parents. He is 41, and I turn 39 here soon, and we have a 3 - and 5 year old. We have been together all our adult lives and always shared responsibilities equally. When he was working less, he would pick up on other shared chores as would I when I worked less. There was no pressure because we understood how to divide the workload. I stay at home with our children and have since our youngest was 6 months old. He works crazy long hours at a very dangerous job. It is my duty as his partner to share the load. I wake up at 3 am.tp get his work gear together so he can have an extra hour of sleep. He needs to be rested to be safe at his job. Also, he is missing out on being with me and the children, and that hurts him. I feel for the poster on this. It sounds like the only expectation he lays out is to have their son ready on time. His wife should definitelyget help because if you are not able to function on basic levels there is something going on that deserves her attention. Enough rambling..I wish them luck
This situation will continue to cause problems in the future. Because (and I say this from personal experience as a kid): If the school bus arrives on time at your home and if you're not ready and out there waiting, you *will* be left behind. You cannot be even a minute late.
Here is an idea: change the ready time to 8:30. Also, is this "lifestyle" really worth it? My wife did not work for a long stretch while I worked two jobs, so I am familiar with the situation. However, in her case she could not work because of the aftermath of a car crash. It's a miracle she wasn't para/quadriplegic. As soon as she got better she started working again and relived some of the pressure on me. This doesn't look to be the case.
He's working two jobs, she's unemployed. The kid is sent to daycare why exactly? If the wife isn't looking for a job the kid can just stay home with her and they save a lot of money.
He works 2 jobs and he's wondering if he's the AH when his unemployed wife who stays home all day alone can't get the kid ready on time....REALLY?!?
I get the anxiety thing for driving, but is there a reason why the wife can't take a taxi/rideshare/bus/train to get the kid to daycare? They could even drop it to half days at day care. Gives the wife longer to get the kid ready, then she takes the kid in at lunchtime via alternative transport and has the afternoon free. That means less cost for daycare too.
From the information available, this is so stupid. First, my initial thought (which I still think is valid) was "why the hell are you not helping to get the child ready"? Parenting is a two-person job. I work similar hours to OP, but I'm still up and taking care of my daughter in the morning, as well as talking care of things in the evening (together with my wife). It's called parenting. Second, if your wife has no job, and you have to work two jobs to pay for your lifestyle, WHY IN GOD'S NAME IS YOUR CHILD IN DAYCARE?! Lastly, the guy's overall tone seems so condescending to me, to the point where I feel like what we're getting is a skewed view of the situation.
Curious how you don't ask why the hell the wife isn't helping with, well anything, apparently.
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There's nothing wrong with your wife. She just doesn't want to work. Keep your money separate and give her an allowance. And tell her that she can pay for daycare out of it too. See how she likes that!
She sounds like an entitled, lazy twat. This is exactly why stay at home Mom's suck. They act like it's so HARD to stay at home with no one telling them what to do. Why are you paying for her to do nothing all day? I don't drive either and managed to get a kid to school. Believe it or not you CAN raise a kid without a car. WTF?
OP is definitely NTA. He's working two jobs to support the family and she can't even manage to get their kid ready to go by 8:45 a.m.? That's pathetic! And she's home all day?? The kid shouldn't even need to BE in daycare!
Yeah no, this woman is taking advantage of him. Her "anxiety" isn't even diagnosed, which means she's not been to a doctor. Many people in this world have LEGITIMATE mental health issues, and they SEEK TREATMENT for those issues. She doesn't care about her family, only herself.
He sleeps in until 820 and leaves by 845. He is not helping get the kid ready in the morning and has not attempted to find an alternative solution. She has the privilege of not working or driving and has been asked to make sure this one task is done, and is not holding up her end of the bargain. Marriage involves collaboration and solution based communication. They're both TA
Never judge a relationship based on just one's perspective. I don't know which one is worse, can't resolve your own relationship problem and seeking attention and advise from random anonymous people or anonymous people judging with pleasure. Advise from anonymous person: don't marry don't have a baby with a person you really don't know and own your adult personal life s**t, if you aren't capable of choosing wrong person to be parenting, don't be a parent. At least seek professional help.
I think at the very least, the story is embellished.
Load More Replies... Why the f**k is the kid in daycare?? That is just so ridiculous! The mother is home all day and he is working a second job to keep the kid in daycare. Is she unable to care for him? Did I miss something? This is insane
Exactly. "We cannot afford our current lifestyle and daycare". Then change your lifestyle and stop paying for daycare? Especially if getting your son ready for said daycare is always making you late for work. Save some money and stress!
Load More Replies... She has ONE JOB……….. she is disrespecting his time and jeopardizing his employment. He’s working and she’s ungrateful for his sacrifice so she can stay home. I would have left on time as well. One job. One f’ing job. And it’s his fault ? No, lady Do your part. Why is the kid in daycare anyway?
Even worse: she doesn't have one "job", she has one TASK. The TASK is getting the kid ready in the morning. If she was a true SAHM who cared for the child at home during the day along with household chores (OP says she doesn't even do LAUNDRY) then that would be a job. I know it's semantics and I'm not picking at you, Manimal, but just pointing out how LUDICROUS the wife is acting. It is literally ONE TASK and she REFUSES to do it, it's not that she "can't".
Load More Replies... I don't know why the mother doesn't work, but I would highly recommend to her that she starts working. The insane hours her husband makes are not sustainable in the long run and being dependent on one income is just not a good idea. Also, marriage is a partnership so the responsibility of earning an income should be shared. If a couple chooses for a stay-at-home parent, the least thing he/she could do is to ensure that the child is on time for daycare. Also, why day-care if the mother is home the whole day? Kindergarten a few mornings/afternoons a week I can understand, but daycare seems a bit overdone.
Op mentioned his wife not being able to drive... maybe that has something to do with her not having a job?
Load More Replies... Some of you have never dealt with PPD, extreme anxiety, depression, bipolar etc and it shows... I'm not excusing the mom; I definitely think she should talk to someone and they should try and work together to save their marriage and give their son a happy childhood if they can; however, these are really harsh and completely apathetic responses and criticisms without knowing the deeper issues involved. Don't judge someone or call them lazy or a b***h etc until you've walked a mile in their shoes.🙏
The kid is 3. I'd say the statute of limitations on "I have PPD so I'm incapable of doing anything," is up. And I'm saying this as a woman who's battled PTSD, depression and anxiety my entire adult life and still works full time. Not having the child ready by 8:45 is unconscionable when your husband works two jobs so you can do nothing. NTA x 100.
Load More Replies... If she "can't" or refuses to work, then she should be 100% responsible for the childcare. Why TF is a daycare needed? This poor man is being taken for a ride.
I'm glad some people recognize she might be unwell. Yes, she needs to step up, but think about what might be preventing her. Very little in this world is cut and dried.
Let'sall take a moment to acknowledge that one of those jobs probably pays for the daycare with little to nothing sig ifigant left over. Trading your time to make a paycheck so you can pay for childcare that is not exactly necessary will breed resentment towards the spouse by the OP. My husband and I are older parents. He is 41, and I turn 39 here soon, and we have a 3 - and 5 year old. We have been together all our adult lives and always shared responsibilities equally. When he was working less, he would pick up on other shared chores as would I when I worked less. There was no pressure because we understood how to divide the workload. I stay at home with our children and have since our youngest was 6 months old. He works crazy long hours at a very dangerous job. It is my duty as his partner to share the load. I wake up at 3 am.tp get his work gear together so he can have an extra hour of sleep. He needs to be rested to be safe at his job. Also, he is missing out on being with me and the children, and that hurts him. I feel for the poster on this. It sounds like the only expectation he lays out is to have their son ready on time. His wife should definitelyget help because if you are not able to function on basic levels there is something going on that deserves her attention. Enough rambling..I wish them luck
This situation will continue to cause problems in the future. Because (and I say this from personal experience as a kid): If the school bus arrives on time at your home and if you're not ready and out there waiting, you *will* be left behind. You cannot be even a minute late.
Here is an idea: change the ready time to 8:30. Also, is this "lifestyle" really worth it? My wife did not work for a long stretch while I worked two jobs, so I am familiar with the situation. However, in her case she could not work because of the aftermath of a car crash. It's a miracle she wasn't para/quadriplegic. As soon as she got better she started working again and relived some of the pressure on me. This doesn't look to be the case.
He's working two jobs, she's unemployed. The kid is sent to daycare why exactly? If the wife isn't looking for a job the kid can just stay home with her and they save a lot of money.
He works 2 jobs and he's wondering if he's the AH when his unemployed wife who stays home all day alone can't get the kid ready on time....REALLY?!?
I get the anxiety thing for driving, but is there a reason why the wife can't take a taxi/rideshare/bus/train to get the kid to daycare? They could even drop it to half days at day care. Gives the wife longer to get the kid ready, then she takes the kid in at lunchtime via alternative transport and has the afternoon free. That means less cost for daycare too.
From the information available, this is so stupid. First, my initial thought (which I still think is valid) was "why the hell are you not helping to get the child ready"? Parenting is a two-person job. I work similar hours to OP, but I'm still up and taking care of my daughter in the morning, as well as talking care of things in the evening (together with my wife). It's called parenting. Second, if your wife has no job, and you have to work two jobs to pay for your lifestyle, WHY IN GOD'S NAME IS YOUR CHILD IN DAYCARE?! Lastly, the guy's overall tone seems so condescending to me, to the point where I feel like what we're getting is a skewed view of the situation.
Curious how you don't ask why the hell the wife isn't helping with, well anything, apparently.
Load More Replies... There's nothing wrong with your wife. She just doesn't want to work. Keep your money separate and give her an allowance. And tell her that she can pay for daycare out of it too. See how she likes that!
She sounds like an entitled, lazy twat. This is exactly why stay at home Mom's suck. They act like it's so HARD to stay at home with no one telling them what to do. Why are you paying for her to do nothing all day? I don't drive either and managed to get a kid to school. Believe it or not you CAN raise a kid without a car. WTF?
OP is definitely NTA. He's working two jobs to support the family and she can't even manage to get their kid ready to go by 8:45 a.m.? That's pathetic! And she's home all day?? The kid shouldn't even need to BE in daycare!
Yeah no, this woman is taking advantage of him. Her "anxiety" isn't even diagnosed, which means she's not been to a doctor. Many people in this world have LEGITIMATE mental health issues, and they SEEK TREATMENT for those issues. She doesn't care about her family, only herself.
He sleeps in until 820 and leaves by 845. He is not helping get the kid ready in the morning and has not attempted to find an alternative solution. She has the privilege of not working or driving and has been asked to make sure this one task is done, and is not holding up her end of the bargain. Marriage involves collaboration and solution based communication. They're both TA
Never judge a relationship based on just one's perspective. I don't know which one is worse, can't resolve your own relationship problem and seeking attention and advise from random anonymous people or anonymous people judging with pleasure. Advise from anonymous person: don't marry don't have a baby with a person you really don't know and own your adult personal life s**t, if you aren't capable of choosing wrong person to be parenting, don't be a parent. At least seek professional help.
I think at the very least, the story is embellished.
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