New Mom Wants To Pay Grandparents For Baby Duty While She’s At Work, Shocks Friends
Planning your return to work after baby leave is a stressful gig! Change in routine, separation anxiety, fear of missing out on milestones, you name it; however, the biggest issue is finding a reliable childcare option.
The author of today’s post, for instance, is thinking about offering her mother and MIL some money for babysitting, but when she shared that with her friends, she received some mixed reactions.
More info: Mumsnet | Hayley McLean | Vicki Broadbent
This new mom is planning to return to work soon
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
She is thinking about offering her mother and MIL some money to care for her child during her absence
Image source: Lilacriver
“Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby” – this online user took to a popular London-based internet forum made for discussions between parents of children and teenagers, asking its members if she’s indeed wrong for wanting to pay her baby’s grandparents to care for it when she returns to work. The post garnered 357 comments discussing the matter.
Parenting is an incredibly joyful and fulfilling experience – however, it’s also very tough; there’s the good old unpredictability, never-ending demands, parental guilt, lack of personal time, financial issues, and about a thousand more things that can take a toll on your emotional and physical well-being!
Now, every person needs a strong support system to make life things more manageable! Let alone when it comes to raising another human being. Knowing that you can always rely on someone during a time of crisis reduces stress, which, let’s face it, is essential for when you have a kid to parent.
Family and friends, various parenting groups, online communities where you can let off steam, therapists – everyone has their own little person that is able to make things better. But the people that most of us find the greatest comfort in are our parents!
So, why were the OP’s friends so shocked by her decision to offer her mother and mother-in-law some money when they agreed to help with weekly baby duties when she’s back at work? Yes, of course, for some it’s a cultural thing where grandparents may feel an inherent responsibility to help care for their grandkids; however, all families are different, and it’s unfair to assume that they don’t have lives to live and wouldn’t be appreciative of some extra cash.
On the other hand, you never know how to properly approach it, as your old folks might find it offensive that you’re treating them as babysitters when all they do is care for their flesh and blood.
Her pals are “shocked” she wants to pay her family as she should expect them to do it for free
Image credits: PNW Production (not the actual photo)
To get a more professional outlook on the dilemma, Bored Panda reached out to a couple of experts. Our first expert is Hayley, a mom of three and the face behind the blog called Sparkles & Stretchmarks!
We asked Hayley for her opinion on the OP’s situation, and the woman replied as follows: “As for my thoughts, I completely agree with the OP’s approach and find it very respectful of her mother and MIL’s time and expertise. I feel that as women we are often expected to be of service to those around us with little regard for the demands it places on our time and health, and our skills as caregivers are hugely undervalued – this seems especially true for older women.”
“If the OP is seeking childcare to enable her to earn money herself, why would anyone expect other women to give up their time and skills for free? This has an impact on their hobbies and interests, will undoubtedly cost them money in feeding and providing activities for the child, and will likely be tiring for them. If the request was for an occasional babysitter, this would be different as this is within the remit of ‘family favors,’ but expecting people to commit specific days per week to care for your child for full working hours is a big ask and one that is deserving of at least the offer of financial compensation. If the grandmothers were to turn this down, then of course that’s their own choice, but it’s respectful to offer and I wouldn’t look down on them for accepting.
If we value them enough to want them to care for our children, why don’t we value them enough to pay them for their time? Grandmothers have already spent their lifetimes caring for their own children; we shouldn’t expect them to give up their retirement years for us for nothing.”
So the woman took it online for some unbiased opinions and guidance
Image credits: Kelly Sue DeConnick (not the actual photo)
We then got some interesting commentary from Vicki Broadbent, the bestselling author of ‘The Working Mom,’ founder of honestmum.com, and Bored Panda’s parenting expert!
“I think it’s polite to offer and to not assume grandparents won’t want payment, especially if it’s a long-term setup. You might want to offer expenses if they decline payment, so a contribution towards food, travel and days out.
By offering first (broaching it gently and saying you hope you’re not offending them), you place the ball in their court, allowing them to decide what’s best for them.
The fact the poster cares about what is best and doesn’t want to upset the grandparents as it’s a delicate issue, shows how considerate she is being,” added Vicki.
Now, Pandas, do you think the original poster is unreasonable?
Fellow online forum members shared their thoughts and opinions
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Maybe OP could open a bank account for childcare and let her parents use the card for it to pay childcare expenses like taking them to the beach, or a child-centric event that requires spending money. Maybe throw a little extra in for groceries and bills, if her parents are retired, not wealthy, and living on a small fixed income. There are workarounds to handing cash to them like they’re teenagers babysitting for you.
I think it's a personal conversation to have between the new parents and grandparents. There is no wrong answer. It all depends on the grandparent's expectations. It's also an IF they want to babysit at all. It's a tall order, as babies are more fragile and so much can go wrong with one little mistake. Grandparents would need to be updated on safe sleeping, how to install a new car seat properly, be updated on infant CPR and make sure they're following the wishes of the parents. When parents have older kids, parents are a bit more relaxed and the kids can verbally communicate. Parents are also still responsible for the well-being of their baby and who they allow to watch their baby. Just some things that would have to be taken into consideration. I'm not saying grandparents make bad babysitters. I'm just saying there's no easy answer that the public can blindly suggest.
I can't think of a single reason why you were downvoted for offering this very pragmatic answer. I undid one of them and I'll add that I agree with you. I babysit my sister's two youngest children who are now 8m and 6f and you're 100% correct that looking after kids is a LOT more responsibility than just sitting on the couch while they play with something. Their safety and literal LIVES are your responsibility while in your care.
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Maybe OP could open a bank account for childcare and let her parents use the card for it to pay childcare expenses like taking them to the beach, or a child-centric event that requires spending money. Maybe throw a little extra in for groceries and bills, if her parents are retired, not wealthy, and living on a small fixed income. There are workarounds to handing cash to them like they’re teenagers babysitting for you.
I think it's a personal conversation to have between the new parents and grandparents. There is no wrong answer. It all depends on the grandparent's expectations. It's also an IF they want to babysit at all. It's a tall order, as babies are more fragile and so much can go wrong with one little mistake. Grandparents would need to be updated on safe sleeping, how to install a new car seat properly, be updated on infant CPR and make sure they're following the wishes of the parents. When parents have older kids, parents are a bit more relaxed and the kids can verbally communicate. Parents are also still responsible for the well-being of their baby and who they allow to watch their baby. Just some things that would have to be taken into consideration. I'm not saying grandparents make bad babysitters. I'm just saying there's no easy answer that the public can blindly suggest.
I can't think of a single reason why you were downvoted for offering this very pragmatic answer. I undid one of them and I'll add that I agree with you. I babysit my sister's two youngest children who are now 8m and 6f and you're 100% correct that looking after kids is a LOT more responsibility than just sitting on the couch while they play with something. Their safety and literal LIVES are your responsibility while in your care.
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