Person Happy To Have A SAH Partner If They Commit To 40 Hours Of Chores, Drama Ensues
Interview With Expert
If you share your precious living space with a partner, you probably know that to keep the peace, it’s best to divide the housework equally so that one of you doesn’t accidentally fall victim to an unfair division of household labor. But what happens if certain circumstances change? Does this agreement require altering too?
When redditor’s Choresforpay partner considered taking time off work, they were quickly presented with one condition. They were told that if they wanted to move in with them and quit their job, they would have to do most of the housework, which amounted to about 40 hours a week. Unhappy with this ultimatum, the partner refused to be their ‘servant’, causing AITAH drama to ensue.
Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with sex therapist, relationship counselor, and intimacy expert Dr. Miro Gudelsky, who kindly agreed to answer some of our questions about fairly splitting chores with a partner.
Keeping a fair division of household chores is key to a healthy relationship
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
However, this couple couldn’t agree on it, causing drama to ensue
Image credits: Vitaly Gariev (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Choresforpay
Fairly dividing house chores can help reduce tension and give back precious time to members of the household
Just like the couple in this story, many struggle to split chores equally, as it was found that women do 36 hours of household tasks per week, nine hours more than men, including doing the laundry, cleaning, and cooking.
However, Dr. Miro Gudelsky tells Bored Panda, “It is very important to divide chores up in a way that feels equal and just to everyone in the relationship.” This is definitely possible, which can also help reduce tension at home and give back precious time to each member of the household.
Dr. Miro suggests that “sometimes it is as easy as figuring out what people are better at. One person may be better at planning and making dinners, while the other person doesn’t mind washing the dishes.”
The first thing she suggests that couples do, if there are any issues about this, is to sit down and have an honest and open dialogue with each other. “Figure out what makes you happy in regard to household chores. What annoys you and what you just really don’t want to do? A lot of times, you’ll find out that your partner is very willing to do those things.”
Even if there aren’t any problems surrounding this topic, she recommends allocating some time and having this discussion anyway. “Make sure everyone is on the same page. You don’t want resentment building,” she adds.
Certain circumstances should be considered
Of course, certain circumstances might be considered. Dr. Miro says, “Everyone needs to pull their weight. If one person has a little more time than their partner, then, yes, of course, they should be helping more.
Honestly, it depends on why they’re taking time off work. Are they taking it for health reasons? Then they probably can’t help around the house. For example, if someone is on a physical disability leave, you can’t expect them to be carrying laundry up and down the stairs. If something needs to be done to keep the household running in a manner that pleases everyone involved, then it should just be done by whoever can do it.”
Surprisingly, the fair division of household labor seems to be more common knowledge for same-gender partners, who, according to research, are more successful at splitting their tasks. It was found that same-sex couples tend to share more duties and assign various chores based on personal preference. Meanwhile, straight couples tend to slip back into traditional gender roles, with women being more responsible for household chores.
One explanation for this may stem from the fact that same-sex partners have already broken out of the ‘traditional’ family structure, allowing them to be more creative when it comes to domestic chores. Diversity strategy leader Jennifer Allyn believes that the increasing visibility of same-gender couples and their housework choices could show same-sex partners new ways to divide up household responsibilities.
Commenters titled the author as not wrong
Poll Question
Thanks! Check out the results:
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
You May Also Like
Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk
Do you think childless individuals should be expected to chip in for group babysitting costs during friend gatherings?
17 Y.O. Is Done Sharing Her Birthday With Her Late Twin, Parents Are Not Having It
Do you think the girl should be allowed to celebrate her birthday without the remembrance of her deceased twin?
Badly worded but reasonable. Love that they did not hint at their genders. Prevents people from being biast.
Quite frankly, to me, the gender doesn't matter in this case. It's a couple's living arrangement issues. The end.
Load More Replies...
This sounds like a dream. What person in their right minds would turn this opportunity down? I would make that home sparkle everyday.
I wouldn't agree but NOT because of house chores but because I'd be too afraid to depend on someone financially. But. If the partner doesn't want to work, it's more than reasonable to expect of them that they'll take care of the house.
I’m wondering if it’s more of how OP presented the expectation than reasonably agreeing to take care of one’s fair share of the domestic labor. I can’t imagine someone being so entitled & to take advantage of someone they love. But I get not wanting to feel like an employee of my partner, which creates an emotional imbalance. I, too, inherited my grandparents homes. My partner knew this going into the relationship, but always contributed equally or more. When he was in med school, I opted to fully support him. He protested & even tried paying out of his savings. He’d transfer funds to my accounts & I’d swiftly return them. He finally relented. By the time he was in a practice, we could legally wed, adopted & I opted to become a SAHP. Now I’m semi-retired working 1/5 of what he does, but earn more. We’ve merged all assets & share equally, yet I still cover 2/3 of domestic/mental labor. We share emotional labor. It balances. But he isn’t checking my time. These 2 need the book Fair Play.
"I can’t imagine someone being so entitled & to take advantage of someone they love." You obviously don't read a lot of Bored Panda! 😐
Load More Replies...
Tell them you have reconsidered and you cannot allow them to move in as you want a partner, not a dependent. That means they work and contribute financially and by doing their share of the chores. If they don’t like their job, they can update their resume and find a new one while working, same as anyone else.
They've shown their true colours before moving in together. Not everyone's as lucky, so I'd break up before things get ugly. I'm betting actual money they won't even do the chores, because leeches gonna leech.
If I was in ops position I would not continue the relationship. Seems like the partner is lazy and not ready to accept that. They want to live in a clean house with financial security but without doing anything.
Yeah, no. Unless they have a child or disabled adult to take care off, or are disabled themselves, there is no reason why the partner shouldn´t work
I'm going to assume the partner is healthy and capable of doing routine chores. Therefore, the choice to quit work is based on a need for mental and emotional health. Obviously, this is not unreasonable and no one should be trapped in a job that negatively impacts their health. This is all good, until we get to what his person will be doing if not working outside the home. There are no children to care for and no pets either. There are two functioning adults. How hard can it be to maintain the home? The issue is that this is someone who expects someone else to pay their way with no reciprocity. Just because it appears as if you can financially manage without their income does not excuse the partner from responsibility. Personally, I would be noping out of this situation asap. Your partner is showing their true self and it is far from mature or responsible.
so "they" and "them" was supposed to disguise the gender of everyone involved? Or am I missing something. Btw, someone didn't get the memo what "STAY AT HOME" means :-)
I don't think the main problem is that the partner should do the housework when they don't work. But to say "you'll HAVE to do 40h worth of chores each weak to live here" is somewhere between asking for a servant and not very well put. I'd be really offended by that wording too!
Why would anyone be offended by that? It's better to lay out your expectations of the partnership than to be vague and then have a partner who does literally nothing all day long.
Load More Replies...
If one partner is earning the money, the other should be handling the vast majority of the housework unless said partner has health issues that make that impossible. This person is being entirely unreasonable. They don't want a partner; they want a parent. OP didn't word things particularly well, but the partner's response was ridiculous. Long gone are the days of trophy spouses. If this individual is healthy and capable, they need to be pulling their weight.
I'm assuming no children on the scene, because that makes all the difference. My advice, based on the multitude of posts I have seen, is not to move your partner into any place you own rather than rent. That seems to be the red flag for a partner that wants to piggyback on you instead of contributing their fair share. This goes across both/all genders. If you told your partner that the two of you could rent a place together and split the rent and bills equally between you, would they agree?? If not, why not?? There's no good reason your partner should expect to benefit from your inheritance, which is what this sounds like. You may own your inherited home and not pay a mortgage, but you pay rates/property taxes, water, power, rubbish, and there is wear and tear from living there. Your partner should expect to contribute 50% of those expenses at the very least, and probably more. So this suggestion that they quit their job and become SAH doesn't fly. It's just not fair.
NTA I just think the way it was worded was bad. what's the point in doing 40 hrs of chores every week (which is crazy) n not getting paid when ur trying to leave ur job to find something u do enjoy doing so u can better ur life. I'm the type of person where I think ur jobs u hate for little to no pay is wrong. I think 5-6 day work weeks are wrong. I think it's b******t that human beings only have X amount of time on this earth n we spend like 80% of it working jobs we hate n we still struggle. It's wrong. That's not what life should be about. So I think it's great that ur giving her an opportunity to do this. Not many ppl have that. But that's a fair trade. I don't have kids n I don't work a trad. job. My husbands a truck driver. I run a small animal sanctuary. Which is more than full time. But I do all the upkeep n chores. When he comes home all he has to do is clean litter boxes so I can also have a bit of a break. I'm very grateful for this. But he never said I had to work 40hrs!
Its not a bad arrangement, but the wording makes him the AH. There are about a 1000 better ways to say that.. so for that aspect Im saying YTA. Not for the idea but for the way it was said and defended.
Badly worded but reasonable. Love that they did not hint at their genders. Prevents people from being biast.
Quite frankly, to me, the gender doesn't matter in this case. It's a couple's living arrangement issues. The end.
Load More Replies... This sounds like a dream. What person in their right minds would turn this opportunity down? I would make that home sparkle everyday.
I wouldn't agree but NOT because of house chores but because I'd be too afraid to depend on someone financially. But. If the partner doesn't want to work, it's more than reasonable to expect of them that they'll take care of the house.
I’m wondering if it’s more of how OP presented the expectation than reasonably agreeing to take care of one’s fair share of the domestic labor. I can’t imagine someone being so entitled & to take advantage of someone they love. But I get not wanting to feel like an employee of my partner, which creates an emotional imbalance. I, too, inherited my grandparents homes. My partner knew this going into the relationship, but always contributed equally or more. When he was in med school, I opted to fully support him. He protested & even tried paying out of his savings. He’d transfer funds to my accounts & I’d swiftly return them. He finally relented. By the time he was in a practice, we could legally wed, adopted & I opted to become a SAHP. Now I’m semi-retired working 1/5 of what he does, but earn more. We’ve merged all assets & share equally, yet I still cover 2/3 of domestic/mental labor. We share emotional labor. It balances. But he isn’t checking my time. These 2 need the book Fair Play.
"I can’t imagine someone being so entitled & to take advantage of someone they love." You obviously don't read a lot of Bored Panda! 😐
Load More Replies... Tell them you have reconsidered and you cannot allow them to move in as you want a partner, not a dependent. That means they work and contribute financially and by doing their share of the chores. If they don’t like their job, they can update their resume and find a new one while working, same as anyone else.
They've shown their true colours before moving in together. Not everyone's as lucky, so I'd break up before things get ugly. I'm betting actual money they won't even do the chores, because leeches gonna leech.
If I was in ops position I would not continue the relationship. Seems like the partner is lazy and not ready to accept that. They want to live in a clean house with financial security but without doing anything.
Yeah, no. Unless they have a child or disabled adult to take care off, or are disabled themselves, there is no reason why the partner shouldn´t work
I'm going to assume the partner is healthy and capable of doing routine chores. Therefore, the choice to quit work is based on a need for mental and emotional health. Obviously, this is not unreasonable and no one should be trapped in a job that negatively impacts their health. This is all good, until we get to what his person will be doing if not working outside the home. There are no children to care for and no pets either. There are two functioning adults. How hard can it be to maintain the home? The issue is that this is someone who expects someone else to pay their way with no reciprocity. Just because it appears as if you can financially manage without their income does not excuse the partner from responsibility. Personally, I would be noping out of this situation asap. Your partner is showing their true self and it is far from mature or responsible.
so "they" and "them" was supposed to disguise the gender of everyone involved? Or am I missing something. Btw, someone didn't get the memo what "STAY AT HOME" means :-)
I don't think the main problem is that the partner should do the housework when they don't work. But to say "you'll HAVE to do 40h worth of chores each weak to live here" is somewhere between asking for a servant and not very well put. I'd be really offended by that wording too!
Why would anyone be offended by that? It's better to lay out your expectations of the partnership than to be vague and then have a partner who does literally nothing all day long.
Load More Replies... If one partner is earning the money, the other should be handling the vast majority of the housework unless said partner has health issues that make that impossible. This person is being entirely unreasonable. They don't want a partner; they want a parent. OP didn't word things particularly well, but the partner's response was ridiculous. Long gone are the days of trophy spouses. If this individual is healthy and capable, they need to be pulling their weight.
I'm assuming no children on the scene, because that makes all the difference. My advice, based on the multitude of posts I have seen, is not to move your partner into any place you own rather than rent. That seems to be the red flag for a partner that wants to piggyback on you instead of contributing their fair share. This goes across both/all genders. If you told your partner that the two of you could rent a place together and split the rent and bills equally between you, would they agree?? If not, why not?? There's no good reason your partner should expect to benefit from your inheritance, which is what this sounds like. You may own your inherited home and not pay a mortgage, but you pay rates/property taxes, water, power, rubbish, and there is wear and tear from living there. Your partner should expect to contribute 50% of those expenses at the very least, and probably more. So this suggestion that they quit their job and become SAH doesn't fly. It's just not fair.
NTA I just think the way it was worded was bad. what's the point in doing 40 hrs of chores every week (which is crazy) n not getting paid when ur trying to leave ur job to find something u do enjoy doing so u can better ur life. I'm the type of person where I think ur jobs u hate for little to no pay is wrong. I think 5-6 day work weeks are wrong. I think it's b******t that human beings only have X amount of time on this earth n we spend like 80% of it working jobs we hate n we still struggle. It's wrong. That's not what life should be about. So I think it's great that ur giving her an opportunity to do this. Not many ppl have that. But that's a fair trade. I don't have kids n I don't work a trad. job. My husbands a truck driver. I run a small animal sanctuary. Which is more than full time. But I do all the upkeep n chores. When he comes home all he has to do is clean litter boxes so I can also have a bit of a break. I'm very grateful for this. But he never said I had to work 40hrs!
Its not a bad arrangement, but the wording makes him the AH. There are about a 1000 better ways to say that.. so for that aspect Im saying YTA. Not for the idea but for the way it was said and defended.
19
46