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Pandas With Divorced Parents: How Did Or Would You Handle Them At Your Wedding?
I don't have the best relationship with my parents: My father had a mistress and two kids for almost ten years, understandably, when this came to light, my parents (who already did not like each other) divorced. Before this, I was always having issues with my mom, so, caught up in the circumstances and manipulated by my father I agreed to go live with him and my two stepsisters. My two brothers on the other hand went with my mom. I was then made into a scapegoat and had no contact with them for almost 3 years, I went through depression, suicidal thoughts, etc.
Since then, the situation got a lot better, I talk with my mother and my little brother, although my older brother still blames me for everything. My stepsisters are ok too, I don't blame them for my father's infidelity. Since meeting my boyfriend and moving in with him I went grey rock (minimal contact) with my father and his wife. My mental health is also considerably better, although I still struggle with childhood trauma from all of this and a generally bad upbringing.
Either I or my boyfriend will likely propose within the next year - we have been happily together for 2,5 years now. With a marriage on the horizon, I am not sure how to deal with my family. The last time I mentioned this to my mother, she basically threatened violence should she come within arms reach of my father. So inviting both parties to a wedding is just impossible. Since now, I am on better terms with my mother, I do not want to invite only my father and his wife, although they live considerably closer. Maybe I will not invite any of my parents, only my stepsisters and my younger brother (they are on talking terms), but I'm not sure how my father would take that. I would also invite my two friends, my partner would likely invite his parents and his brothers/ their wives, so there wouldn't be a crowd to hide in.
Since, for now, this is just I'm thinking about possible scenarios with the least amount of conflict possible, I wanted to know: What would you do in this situation? And, if your parents are divorced and you have gotten married, how did you handle it?
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My mom and step-dad moved away in '92. My bio dad was estranged and I hadn't seen him more than a couple of times in my life. So, when I got married in '99 I simply didn't invite them. Problem solved. My wife's parents, and my best friend's family helped fill the void...
I either want both my parents to walk me down the aisle, or I want them to walk with their partners and my sister can walk me down. They won’t be put at the same table, but they get along fine. My partner’s parents will be kept separate at all costs so we don’t end up with a murder. My parents will be in charge of distracting hers.
My parents are still yogether but my husband's are divorced as of 3yrs ago (both parents are now remarried).
For our first wedding (covid) his dad didn't come. He said he was busy but actually just hung out at his house. We had limited numbers and could only have about 10 people so the decision was neither step parent could come.
When the numbers went up to 30 beginning that day, because he said he was busy, he still didn't come. Ngl, I am not the biggest fan of his dad and this was the icing on the cake. He then held it against us for making him look bad. That lasted for the next year.
For the seond wedding (what was essentially the *real* one). He came esp after his entire family dissed him hard. So both parents and their SOs. He refused any photos with his ex so essentially we had to do double the number of photos-- photos with my parents and his mum and wife then photos with my parents and his dad and wife and honestly-- I was okay with that. I would rather not have all the family photos brought down by having him be a downer in all of them.
For the reception, we did harvest tables and separated them though there was some annoyance that his mum was centre but that was because as much as we wanted them separated we needed to have hi. And my family REALLY separated as he was still angry about my husband taking my name and he has a tendency towards non-pc behaviour (off-colour jokes, racy slang, derogatory against women and a tonne of lewd comments about me and sex... wanted that pretty far from my black, prim and proper, religious family).
We made it through with only minimal animosity (thankfully his dad opted not to drink so as to 'avoid saying what he wanted to say' and his mum was very amicable the entire time). He also did not give a speech and my husband's mum and my mum kept it short and sweet.
I also tasked my bridesman to diffusing things if it took a turn which he only had to once when some words got snippy between his new wife and my mum.
If this all sounds like overkill well you should have seen how well my brother-in-law's wedding went and that was before my MIL even got engaged.
Not my parents but my husband’s were long divorced when we got married almost 14 years ago. (My mil has since passed) We had concerns about his dad or maternal uncle making a scene so we thought about sitting them together at the reception. Being more mature than that, we decided to elope and still don’t regret it.
What’s your reason for wanting a wedding? Really think about it. Is it because you want to be the center of attention on a special day? Are you wanting to be acknowledged by your friends and family? Are you trying to build memories? (All of these are valid reasons. Anything you come up with is valid.) Now think about how you can accomplish what you’re after… do you need everyone at a ceremony? Could you elope with just a few close friends and/or family members and then ask each side of the family to separately help you host a reception (just like having two Christmases! Two receptions!)? Maybe you have two weddings? (I’m not kidding!) Maybe you pick your mom and a few others and hold a smaller ceremony/elope, since she’s further away… because it’ll be your true official date of marriage… but then have something bigger (full ceremony) closer to home (and it would just be for the ceremony, because you’d already officially be married). Everyone gets included in a way that’s meaningful.
I think the best option here is to:
1)Make sure someone is talking to them at all times
2)keep your stepsisters way from your brothers and mother.
3)For wedding photos, keep them far away one another.
4) Don't invite your older brother, and tell him to grow up.
If they cause a scene, kick them out.
