From your dad saying the earth is flat to your mom saying this soup cures cancer, what are those weird convos you have with your parents as they get older?
my dad was originally my stepdad. when i was 16 i asked him if i could adopt him bc he meant that much to me. dad is a very stoic person, one that doesn't show emotion. being an analyst probably has something to do with it as he is all logic. when i was around 30 yrs old, he came to stay for christmas. everyone went to bed but we stayed up talking. as the sun was coming up i wanted to give him something that i felt he needed but it was weirdly difficult because of his being so unemotional. i told him that even though he rarely showed it, that his saying it was rarer than that, i knew he loved me and that i didn't want him to think that i didn't know that because he was so quiet and reserved. he didn't say anything but through his (thick) glasses i saw a tear and then he hugged me and said, i'm glad you do'.
True, random conversation we were having a few years ago. We had just gone bra shopping that day.
Me: I hate bras.
Mum: Me too.
Me: Would it be too much to trade with smaller girls?
Mum: . . . Sure.
Me: Well, we're more endowed than they are. I think, instead of a bra store, we could just trade in our racks.
Mum: Hm. You mean, instead of having to wear a bra you'd just take your boobs off and trade 'em in every time you wanted to?
Me: Yup. They'd all be on the wall, and you just rent one out any time you wanted.
Mum *looking backwards*: do you think we could do it with our bums too? Just take it off if we want to look slimmer and such?
Me: How about a whole skin store! Just unzip and -
Mum: . . . .
Me: Good ideas. We're onto something.
Mum: . . . . Just go to bed, Kruger.
I had to talk to my 63 year old mom and explain that she may need "self gratification devices" when my father had prostate cancer and was impotent. She proceeded to ask lots of questions, "what do you use","which is better", "send me links so I can just get what you have". I can talk to friends and the husband so freely about that stuff but holy cow that was a difficult conversation.
Have always had a pretty open relationship with my mom where we could talk about damn near anything, but was still not quite prepared enough when I told her my then-bf and I were going to try out a swinger's club and she responded with, "Oh, you should go to XYZ Club, your dad and I loved it!"
My dad just passed and the moment that keeps going through my head is when, right after introducing me to the sandwich, he said "Peanut butter and butter?! EWWWWW!!!" which made 5 year old and now 50 year old me giggle, every time.
My mom wanted to know if I was practicing safe sex. God damn, the memory of the awkwardness of the conversation makes my palms sweat.
One of the most uncomfortable moments was when my mother, father, older brother and I were inside the car. going home after school (I was 14). We were silent, almost home, when my mother unexpectedly says: "Last week I was watching an interview and this woman was explaining why she divorced her husband. She said that after a year or so of marriage she had a very intense orgasm and she ejaculated. Her husband was mad and felt disgusted thinking she had peed on him." At this part you may imagine my face 😶. My mother continued: "listen to me, both of you, it is normal for women to ejaculate if they reach orgasm, it looks like colorless urine but it is not. Don't ever feel disgusted by it." And yes, it was an embarrassing moment for everyone (except my mom) but now that I think of it, it is great having someone willing to speak about "themes" that are important but not usually mentioned in school
I remember having this conversation like it was yesterday...
So about a week ago, my mom wanted to know why I stopped calling her frequently.
I kept telling her that I needed to go to work, then she stopped me dead in her tracks and she goes ''are you working as a stripper!?!''
my dad walked in right when she said it and oh my God the look on his face, i'll never forget it, look like he was ready to scream his head off.........
The five-year-old me is laughing inside......... Somebody get me some help.............
When my mother insisted I go on a "blind date" because she was tired of me living at home. I resisted vehemently. After three days, I agreed to the date. Her final argument "You never know, he might be the one". He was. Thanks, mom.
My aunt and her husband have become conspiracy theorists, they actually believe the last election was rigged, that the orange guy was actually a good president, that there's a massive Muslim infiltration in the US trying to extinguish White people off the planet and that no one should question an authority figure even if is obviously wrong o_o
And they believe all of this without a single piece of proof, and if you give them rock-hard evidence they will dismiss it saying someone fabricated it, even if it has been scientifically proven again and again, like global warming D:
Also their younger daughter is an eco-fascist who's grateful for this pandemic while the older one took a 180° turn towards religion and believes homeopathic remedies and prayer are effective against the COVID virus ._.
Explaining the 5 year rule to my parents now that my sibs and I are adults. If it was something we did 5 years or more ago, our parents aren’t allowed to get mad at us. For example, climbing on the roof through the bedroom window, piling up all the pillows and quilts in the house and then jumping off the second floor bannister into them, sneaking out of the house at two in the morning to play star wars at the local school playground as 13 year olds. You know. The really clever stuff we did that should have gotten us killed!
My mom was telling me a couple of years back that she always flies with a brick of lard in her carryon so "when the terrorists blow up" her plane, she'll send them all to hell with the splattering pig fat and the reason there aren't bus bombings in Israel anymore is because "they" started smearing the bus floor with lard. I have confirmed this is completely and insanely not true. She apparently forgot about all the Orthodox Jews that live in Israel too (not like she cares about them either...but Muslims are an easier target to hate).
My mom has always believed the nutter things...to say the least. That comment just dumbed me into silence.
My mother wanted to let me know that she had bought "second-hand" funeral plots for her and her partner. Basically, she found a cemetery she liked, with a nice view, but it was full. So she went online and found a resale site... like Craigslist for graves.
Then she said it wouldn't be available for a few months. I was concerned what they were planning to do with the current resident? (Turned out it the owner was still alive and at her winter home in Florida and the deed was at her house up north so she couldn't turn it over until she got back.) Fortunately, mom doesn't plan on needing it soon!
Also, even though we're Jews, mom said I shouldn't worry that there's a big statue of Jesus next to it. According to mom, it's a statue of Jesus, not Jesus Christ (????) and Jesus is a historical figure and was a rabbi, whereas Jesus Christ is a false prophet. So Jesus is fine so long as it's not a Christ. (I'm not gonna defend or argue this theology with anybody, certainly not my mom.)
So, bargain plots in a lovely cemetery with a nice view next door to Reb Jesus. I love my mom.
Having "the talk" about condoms with my mother when realising she started a new and unprotected sex-life. She had been a widow for 8 years, had been with my father for 20 years (started their relation before AIDS) and didn't thought of condoms because she didn't need contraception anymore (menopaused)...
My mom wanted me to buy the "pretty" necklace in the jewelry case. I had to explain that it was a pot leaf and we were in a head shop.
I'm struggling to remember how old I was, I think I was in my late 20's. My sister and I were at our parents house and our dad asked us about pot. We answered honestly, yes we'd both smoked etc. Then he asked us if we had any he'd like to try it!!! OMG neither of us knew what to do. It was still illegal everywhere and our father, was asking to smoke pot with us. It was such a bizarre situation. It made us both so uncomfortable. Years later we wished we had been able too but, at the time we were happy not to have had any.
Mom? Have you pooped today? Caretaker for my 89 year old parents. Big fun in a pandemic.
I am saddened that everyone things it's cringy to talk to their parents about sex. This should be a normal conversation. It's a normal act. I guess my family was just way more open, but I digress. The most uncomfortable conversation I ever had was when my dad non chalant told me that my uncle (his brother) had just found out that he wasn't my grandfather's son (thank you 23 and me) he said it like it he was telling me he ordered a hamburger, I was like "wait, hold up, back up start over..." and then I got the story. It rocked my world. A) because Kudos to my grandfather for NEVER saying anything and NEVER treating him like he wasn't his (yes he knew apparently) and B) both of my grandparents have passed so I couldn't go ask questions. My grandmother and I were beyond close she was my best friend so still super shocked she never told me. But now that I think about it, (literally at this moment it dawned on me) maybe that is why she tried so hard to hold on until he came. She passed literally three days before he was supposed to arrive home. Holy Sh.....
I have a neuro muscular disorder epilepsy. I became a quadriplegic when I was 15 years old. My adoptive parents and my biological family began discussing the feasibility of me getting pregnant and having a child immediately because they REALLY wanted to become grandparents and raise my babies. They asked what I could sense if I would have sex. I said, “Whoa! Hold it. I’m 15 and you’re discussing me having sex and getting pregnant! Have you lost your minds? My meds can cause miscarriages and birth defects and I already have difficulty breathing. I CANNOT GET PREGNANT! Period. I will not risk my life or put myself through that. When I’m adult the only person who will know those details is my partner. I will never discuss how I have intimacy with family members.
As families go we don’t tend to talk about ANYTHING. Topics such as mental health are a big no no as my mother still thinks that being “mental” is a stigma on the whole family.
Anyway, work this out for yourselves and see if your reaction was the same as mine (Eeew. Urrrgh. Help!) - both parents are in their 80s and still married but 7 years ago my mother drops the bombshell that my sister and I have a 5 year old step kid courtesy of my father! I didn’t know whether to get him a Well Done card or shout abuse at him. He’s cut out of her will, has limited access to the shared bank account but she’s pre-payed for a funeral for him. He’s not allowed to own a mobile phone anymore either. No wonder I can’t admit being diagnosed with depression and anxiety: she’d certainly give me something to be anxious about if she knew! And she’ll kill me if she finds out I’ve published this.
Decided to play Card Against Humanity. My mom is an immigrant so I naturally I had to explain to her what a**l beads are. fml
I went to a small Christian school in elementary school and most kids were extremely sheltered..(i was in the middle,not sheltered but also not really exposed to a lot) -particularly my parents don’t cuss and I couldn’t watch a lot of movies etc-long story short all of isn’t kids on the playground would swap new bad words or phrases we would learn most without even knowing what they mean we just knew they were bad or dirty words. Some kid told me boner and bastard I had no clue really what either one meant. My parents heard me calling my brother a boner. Enter here the most awkward sit down talk about what those words mean and using words I don’t know. I felt so embarrassed sitting there being explained what a boner was especially after calling my brother that! SMH 🤭🥴
My first husband (Fabian), my parents and I were watching the movie “Dante’s Peak” after they had joined us for dinner one night. There is a scene where the family is in a boat, traversing a lava filled acidic river. The boat paddles disintegrate and the family in the boat cannot quite get to the shore. So grandma jumps in, pulls the boat the rest of the way, and promptly dies to save the rest of the family. I turn and look at my Mom and say, as a truthful compliment, “you would do that, sacrifice yourself to save us all.” And my Mom, who is watching the movie intently, says “No, I would push Fabian in”. She continued to be engrossed in the film. Fabian and I looked at each other, knowing Mom had no idea what she had just said out loud. It was a very awkward moment!
My mom remarried at 65 after my dad died and one night she called and said "I need some advice" she then proceeded to tell me that her new fiancée whom I hadn't met wanted her to take a bath with him. She said that she had only been with one man in her whole life and that was my dad. "What should I do" she asked. My response, "My advice is CALL ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS" that was not a conversation I was interested in having. Like a lot of mothers and daughters of my generation we have never had that kind of relationship.
I once spent 6 minutes explaining to my mom what an app is.
My dad had been fighting cancer for 6 years. The good treatment options were pretty well exhausted. He developed a condition that was easy to treat, but left untreated would provide a peaceful and comfortable passing. Cancer would likely take him in another year or two, but it would be excruciating. We had a lengthy conversation about whether he wanted to continue treatment or allow himself to pass within a week to 10 days.
My mom came across my college art portfolio when I was home on break...
Mom: WHY are you drawing nude people?!
Me: It’s for my Life Drawing class. It’s a requirement for all art majors. You saw it on my schedule.
Mom: I...thought it was Still Life...like baskets of fruits and nuts...
Me: *stifling a snort-giggle*
Mom: *shakes head and walks away wordlessly*
(We have never spoken of it since.)
I saw the musical Ghost on Broadway together with my father. Ghost: one of the most romantic lovestories from the eighties. At the start of the interval, my father turns around and says: "Well... you don't see that very often: a musical about financial problems."
I'm still baffled that we share genetic material.
My mom had a stroke when she was in her 60s and lived until she was 82, when a series of strokes ended her life. She had trouble making sense with her talking and she would say things like “the falatalee is unner the swan.” We would spend hours trying to figures these mysteries out, and once I walked into my dad’s office, and there, on a months-old sticky note, was “THE FALATALEE IS UNNER THE SWAN.” Turns out he has searched the house looking for whatever it was. And the engineer in him never figured it out.
I tell this story not to make fun of my mom, but to celebrate her memory.
I was 27 when my father asked me what a prostate massage was. This was pre-Internet so he couldn't just Google it.
I was in my room when I began eavesdropping on my parents(cause I’m a creep) and I heard about our upcoming trip to Las Vegas. And I hear my dad say to my mom, “and you better believe that I’m gonna bring it. “ My mom then confused asked what he meant by that. Dad then says, “ the elephant “. Mom still confused at this point. And me thinking what elephant could be important for this trip? I later discovered to my horror that he was talking about his very detailed elephant Speedolike underwear.