“Am I The Jerk For Telling My Daughter-In-Law She Wasn’t Invited Due To Her Weight?”

High blood pressure can cause ankle swelling but if that's the case medication is the answer. I work in medicine and with high blood pressure, dietary changes rarely fix it, but we let patients try because they don't want the meds. But at the end of the day the meds are the best treatment. Either way she needs medical care. Obesity is disease, not a moral failing, and should be treated accordingly.

it can also be kidney disease

Or congestive heart failure.

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Trauma is the most common cause of obesity? No. Overeating/impulse control is the underlying cause of obesity. 90% of my family members are obese/morbidly obese. Maybe 10% of them have had "trauma" in their lives/childhoods. My younger cousin hasn't had a single traumatic event in her life and she's morbidly obese at 35. One of my other cousins died at age 24 due to obesity-related health issues and he also did not have a traumatic upbringing/life. There are different reasons why obesity occurs, yes. But trauma is not the "most common". In my family it is cultural - I'm adopted but my family is Hispanic, and food is considered a "love language".

Where do you think the overeating and impulse control issues come from? ADHD and trauma, and most folks with ADHD have trauma because the condition sucks so much. Your family likely has far more trauma than you know. CSA is often kept secret, for instance. Trauma can be things like chronic bullying, poverty, emotionally neglectful parents... many things that used to be considered normal and others don't notice. Trauma is literally anything that happens that goes beyond the person's ability to emotionally cope, and it compounds through someone's life. It's also passed down through generations. Food is a wonderful love language, but compulsive overeating is not natural to humans... it's a sign of emotional distress or mental illness. Read Bessel Van Der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score to understand trauma better. If your cousins are dying in their 20s and 30s from obesity, there's something else going on beyond big family meals. I'm sorry, but there is.

Exactly. I've just written something similar before reading your comment. I totally agree with you. Little things can cause big trauma, and to add insult to injury, the victims are often accused of being exaggerating, or being ungrateful, or just being liars, because there aren't any visible bruises. They suffer the abuse and then they have to deal with people telling them that they have no reason to complain.

Maria, Complex PTSD is little understood and even less supported. Yet it destroys countless lives. I'm so glad you get it.

Hi CatLady. My comment "I think you are contradicting your own statement..." was for LakotaWolf, not for you, but somehow it got mixed in the wrong place. I usually agree with you, and even if I don't, I like the way you reason your points of view. I wish people understood more and judged less!

I think you are contradicting your own statement. If in their culture food is considered a "love language", and all these people have eating disorders and basically eat until they drop dead, there must be something absolutely disfuncional in the family dynamics. If they can't control what they eat they may be trying to fill a "void" inside them...which sounds like trauma. Trauma is not always produced by big terrifying events or obvious physical abuse. Parents who are not emotionally attached to their kids, who belittle, ignore, insult or gaslight them can also cause trauma. Even worse, because "the big things" are, well, big. And obvious. But the little comments and attitudes are extremely difficult to identify, which doesn't mean they are less traumatic. I'm not trying to be confrontational, I'm just trying to explain what I can more or less deduct from your posts, not only this one.

Obesity is a medical disease. There's a whole cascade of things, and feedback loops that goes on. You can actually study the physiological causes. It's why it runs in your family. There are genetically altered mice where ones with certain genes are fat and don't move and others without those genes are thin and active. There are also addictive components and psychological components. It's not as simple as "control yourselves." And the ankle swelling is very concerning for an actual medical issue (I'm a physician). It should not be attributed just to obesity. I think it's wise to have a doctor check her out. The inconsideration and whining are the big issue here.

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You are incorrect. Obesity at ANY age can cause edema in the ankles. Being obese decreases your blood circulation, which can cause fluid to accumulate in the tissues, including the ankles. Beth likely has edema. Yes, there IS something wrong here - Beth is obese and it is affecting her body. It is highly unlikely that there is "something else" causing her ankles to swell. Source: literally 90% of my family members are obese, including my younger cousin, who is currently 35 and is morbidly obese and absolutely has swollen ankles. There is nothing else medically wrong with my cousin other than her obesity.

Maybe your family has bad genes or your cousin eats salt blocks for lunch? I've lived most of my life obese, as has most of my family. None of us has gotten edema young without a major disease. Edema doesn't exist in a vacuum. There is always an underlying cause, which may be heart, liver, kidney, pregnancy, diabetes, DVT, circulation breakdown, lymphatic drainage failure, etc. Circulation breakdown does not normally occur in the young unless they're like 400-plus lbs or have another condition.I spent 20 years over 300 lbs, and I never had circulation issues. Beth is likely in her 20s or 30s. That's too young for her circulation to be breaking down unless she's eating salt blocks or has another condition. Brushing off edema as "she's obese and it's affecting her body" is irresponsible. Beth needs a medical workup, because the underlying causes can be deadly. Also, get your cousin some compression socks, a dry skin brush, and a yoga mat. You'll add years to her life.

I am obese, have always been, I'm in my 40s and I've never had edema. My blood pressure is on the lower side. Maybe your family members consume excessive sodium.