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Woman Refuses To Financially Support Fiancé’s Younger Brother Who’s Just Lost His Parents, Dumps Him After His Ultimatum
While I’m all for saying life is like a box of chocolates when describing the uncertainty that life has to offer, I think modern tech has proved on more than one occasion that you can know what you’re gonna get these days.
Instead, I suggest going for life is like a stray curve-ball. I needn’t finish that sentence for you to assume the dire consequences of that.
Same goes with relationships sometimes. Especially when you throw out an ultimatum as a bluff, only to be hit back by said curve-ball straight in the kisser (or that other area nobody would ever want to be hit in).
Play stupid games—win stupid prizes, right?
More Info: Reddit
RELATED:
The last thing you’d want to do in a complex dilemma is throw an ultimatum into the works in hopes of making it work. Spoiler Alert: it won’t
Image credits: eflon (not the actual image)
A woman in her late 20s approached the Am I The A-Hole? community with a situation she’s gotten herself into. But not in the sense that she brought it upon herself, but she just found herself there.
OP is engaged to this guy named Derek, with whom, by the looks of things, she has a long-term relationship of at least five years. And stuff seemed to be serious at this point as the two knew where they were going and how they imagined life together: living in a “moderately cramped” studio apartment but saving up for a nice house outside of the city, deciding against having kids, stuff like that.
Well, all of this changed after Derek learned that his parents—father and step-mother—had suddenly passed away in a horrific accident. And this unfortunate event orphaned his 12-year-old half-brother, who now is with his aunt. While that is not a bad thing in and of itself, he’d allegedly have to babysit her 5 kids and sleep on the floor, and, as you can imagine, it was not solace after what he has gone through.
One such ultimatum found its way into this relationship where the dilemma was taking in an orphaned half-brother, but refusing to compromise
Image Credits: u/AITAfianceskidbro
So, Derek suggested the couple take the little boy in. Awesome gesture, but one that begs many questions. Apart from agreeing to live a childfree life, the two were also not in the financial state to take on more responsibility in the form of child care. This is besides the emotional, moral, spiritual and any other commitment that they’d be taking on in order to raise the kid.
Given this, OP was against the idea. After a lot of pushback from the fiance and his half-bro, OP felt conflicted. Having been raised in foster care herself, she felt biased on the matter, so some perspective was in order. And so the story found itself on r/AITA.
Image Credits: u/AITAfianceskidbro
Image credit: Marco Verch Professional Photographer (not the actual image)
Well, this was just the beginning of it. The post got updated twice after that. The first time, OP provided elaborated on the numbers she crunched concerning little half-bro’s involvement in their household. Long story short, no ideal solutions here as it would mean they’d have to commit $3,000 just to move to a more spacious apartment and pay an extra $1,000 a month.
This is all considering the fact that the two agreed to support each other during their studies, with OP already having gone through the help he gave and now returning the favor as he had just kicked off his 4-year degree. The only problem as that his expenses are much greater than hers were—$1,500 greater, to be precise. Plus, she’s paying for the parents’ funeral. $10,000, if you’re wondering. So, a compromise had to be made in order for this to work at all.
The woman did some number crunching to point out just how financially unviable it is, let alone unfair, to take in the kid, despite the fiance’s good intentions
Image Credits: u/AITAfianceskidbro
Image credit: Luigi Morante (not the actual image)
The second time was the update where OP detailed the talk she had with her fiance. Long story short, civilized talk led to an ultimatum from the guy—one that seemingly was supposed to be a bluff—that backfired miserably as the woman decided that enough is enough and she decided to split.
Shocked, the boyfriend made a u-turn and started begging her to stay. But between the manipulative ultimatum, disregarding past agreements and just not listening to reason, it was clear to OP that it could have spiraled even more out of control if she had taken the bait—it seemed like a very easy solution for the fiance, but, realistically speaking, it wouldn’t stop with just providing a roof over his head.
The whole situation ultimately led to an ultimatum that, despite being a bluff, did not work well for the fiance as the original poster decided to leave him
Image Credits: u/AITAfianceskidbro
And folks in the community shared an opinion on this. Mostly, it was those saying that she is not wrong to have done what she did for the same reasons—it’s a huge commitment, on multiple levels; she did the math, and there are only certain options that aren’t an option for the guy, so that’s a dead end; and some didn’t even agree with having to pay the $10K for the funeral, which hinted at the idea of her being the victim in all of this.
But there were those who saw it as being no a-holes here kind of situation. They argued that there are government funds that family of the deceased might be eligible to. Besides that, you can’t blame the guy for wanting what’s best for his half-brother, let alone honoring their parents by becoming a guardian. His heart is in the right place.
Image Credits: u/AITAfianceskidbro
Whatever the case may be, the post has gone viral with nearly 9,000 upvotes and a handful of Reddit awards. You can check out the post here. But don’t go just yet—we want your opinion on who’s who in this situation in the comment section below! Oh, and why not hit that upvote button because that is the best way to show some love for people!
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What do you think ?
JelliTate 3 years ago
I appreciate that the she understands her limitations and is going into this with a clear head. She did not say "no" even though she did not want the responsibility. She asked that her fiance do his part to help. She will be much happier with her cat and less responsibility. I hope her fiance and his poor brother find peace.
Bunzilla 3 years ago
Right, him saying that he allowed her to not have a job while she was going through school is a false equivalency. They didn't have a third human being to look after when she was going to school.
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Leeca Aldrich 3 years ago
As do I. But Derek is the one at fault here. He should have already checked into SS Survivors Benefits for his brother, so that info could be used in calculating finances, and he should also have been the one to plan his parents' funeral, even though he is not the one who paid for it. Instead, it seems all responsibility has been dumped on the girlfriend. I have no doubt that all responsibility for the half-brother would also be dumped on her. Don't go back, girl!
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Kathryn Baylis 3 years ago
The fiancé could also go to school part time—-including summer classes—-and work part time. May take him 10+ years to finish, even though at some point his brother would no longer be a child and fiancé could take on extra courses and finish earlier than 10+ years. But he doesn’t even want to do that. The OP just shelled out $10,000 for HIS parents’ funeral, and is offering him another $3500 to help him out, and even THAT isn’t good enough. She called his bluff, and now he’s s******g his pants over it. She’s definitely NTA, and will be much happier living alone with her cat—-and eventually a new fiancé who actually deserves her. Sucks for the kid, but fiancé made his bed and now has to man uo and lie in it. Also, Auntie is a REAL a*****e for making her nephew, who just lost both his parents in a horrific way, sleep on the floor and be a free babysitter, at age 12. Sounds like the fiancé comes from a f****d up family, so that just adds to the benefits for her for getting TF OUT!
lauralett50 3 years ago
You have been reading my mind. Everything you posted is Exactly what I thought.
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Two_rolling_black_eyes 3 years ago (edited)
The kid/no kid thing has killed many relationships. People assume you'll change your mind when you get older/circumstances change but its often not the case and that's the end of the relationship. I admire the ex-fiance for wanting to take care of his sibling but you can't force someone to want or like children, especially when they've stated it up front.
Bad Ass69 3 years ago
You see it. Upon consideration this child will be made to feel unwanted in this studio apartment. Which can cause low self esteem and psychological damage. This child has been through enough without being made to feel like a third wheel or a thorn in someone's side. He will be much better in the end in a home where he is loved, wanted and safe! Watching his little cousins will teach him to be more responsible regardless of what he may want! I had real parents only my father made me feel loved or wanted. But when they divorced just before I turned 15 I found myself alone in this world and a homeless child. My father remarried and my stepmother regarded me as his OLD FAMILY! And he had a new family now so I had to go! My mother never wanted me and quite frequently told me that. I WAS AN ACCIDENT and she never meant to have me! What a rotten b!Г©μ! Right.
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S Mi 3 years ago (edited)
I think this is really complicated, and I'm not sure anyone is an a*****e here. But I will say her attitude towards the brother feels extremely callous. This boy was orphaned in a horrific accident and is sleeping on a floor in a home with 5 other kids. He'll be fed and that's enough? Ouch. No empathy I think her note that she grew up in foster care is relevant and probably informs her pov. But still reading this, my heart went out to that child.
Eliza May 3 years ago
Who is more callous, her for ssying she's willing to take it on if he could at least sacrifice a few hours a week for a part-time job so the kid could have a room of his own, clothes, school supplies, and food for a growing teenage boy? Or the brother who says, 'no, YOU didn't have to work so nrither should I, despite this huge change in circumstances?
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Jack S 3 years ago
The biggest problem here is the only one actually being punished is the kid. Props to the dude for wanting to take his bro in but also, get a f*****g job. And I get the gf's point of view but at the same time a lot of what I read just made me think "damn, what a c**t". This is a tough one.
TurquoiseTzarina 3 years ago
I think OP is not well suited for this relationship. Life happens, with all of its unpredictable ups, downs and sideway experiences. Some women would be able to adjust and roll with it, others aren't equipped to handle certain kinds of bumps in the road. Not pointing any fingers. You can't have a score card either. ' I put in this amount of time/money, so you have to match it with equal time/money'. It won't always be equitable. My heart goes out to the Fiancé and his young brother. They'll have to ride out this grief storm together. OP has made her decision and as long as she has peace with it, bless her. No one is really the a*****e here. Just lots of brokenness. :(
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Eliza 3 years ago
I may call her callous to a degree but overall I think she is NTA. The fiancé however is definitely TA. Supporting someone through college and supporting someone in middle school are 2 drastically different things. Him outright refusing to get a job when the circumstances changed just seems childish. She may not have needed to work through her schooling but he also wasn't supporting a preteen while working either.
Carlos 3 years ago
supporting someone once you already have a degree and good paying job is also not the same as supporting someone without a degree or financial stability, which is what the fiance did for her. I dont know many AH's who would put their own lives on hold to support their SO through college, especially not without being well off financially themselves, js
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deanna woods 3 years ago
I am going to start by saying that you don't give ultimatums in relationships. That is a big no no. Secondly, she told the fiance a long time ago that she didn't want children and now he is trying to force her to raise his little brother. Twelve year olds barely listen to their parents, does he think that this kid is going to listen to his brother's girlfriend. This is just my opinion, but I think that this guy planned to move his little brother in and have her handle all of the child rearing. Now that they are no longer together, he can finally take responsibility for his little brother. That means he may have to get a job.
Dorey Bell 3 years ago
Little brother should get counseling, survivor benefits, and a secure home. Someone should start a go fund me account, for current and future expenses. Being in a home where he feels valued and loved, is essential, when a child's life is upheaved
JPinto 3 years ago
Exactly! Unfortunately too much money is wasted on alcohol and cigarettes. But not on charity..
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Kelley Baltierra 3 years ago
Nta: you shouldn't have even had to pay for the funeral. Shows you're a good person. You WERE engaged: your money is not his money. I feel bad for his little brother but at least he's got a place to stay and Derek should grow up and be responsible and get a job if he REALLY wants to take care of him. You spent five years with this guy. I'm sure you'll find someone better
Tris Hunt 3 years ago (edited)
I don't get why people can't see what you're saying. They say she's being selfish, when she's being very reasonable. She grew up in foster care, sometimes that is the best some kids, and I know that not every foster home is the best, but it'd be better than living with Aunt who basically makes the kid be a slave to her own. And with the money thing, it's called a budget and in this case, it's seriously needed especially if Derek won't do sh*t. She's willing to compromise to care for the child but he isn't. He's acting like an entitled baby and doesn't want to help financially and care for his brother, it's sickening.
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Alex Martin 3 years ago
Never give ultimatums unless you are truly prepared for someone to call you on it. If you get your way be prepared for the relationship to never be the same. You just blackmailed another person in to getting your way and they will resent you for it.
Cindy Hurd 3 years ago
So so true! Makes your partner feel like their walking on eggshells. What will be another ultimatum down the road? And being forced to live this way makes your partner lose a part of themself..extinguishing their beautiful inner light to a lower flickering flame because they fear their partner is not as devoted as they are to the relationship as they are. It feels like a sort of rejection. I know..i went through it with my own marriages. This is why I feel she was wise and strong enough to go her own way. She kept her own beautiful flame brightly lit by not completely abandoning her own personal standards. Now a kitty is going to have the best home and I think the relationship between her ex and his kid brother can now turn into a special bond. And maybe this split up will even bring this couple back together later in life and become the strongest bond. I hope the best for all 3 of them. 🙏💗
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StrangeOne 3 years ago (edited)
Wow. That relationship wouldn't last, either way. I'm gonna lean ESH, but I'm not sure who the bigger AH is. The gf is coming off selfish and a martyr for sure, but I can understand her stance, too. No one is thinking what's best for the boy. He can't stay at his Aunt's, sleeping on the floor. She could get in a lot of trouble keeping a small house over-capacitated like that. He needs a proper bed, time to grieve and be in a stable home with caring people. The gf has kept tally of what she's spent on her bf and hanging it over his head. She did say he supported her when she went to school, but from what she's found with her math is that it's not equal to the amount she spent supporting him. I'm sorry, but was either of them forced to support each other? Was she coerced into financing his parent's funeral? She's not saying was, more like volunteered because she makes oh so much more than her bf and his family. This is what irks me about all this. I would like to hear from
StrangeOne 3 years ago (edited)
the bf's angle on all this. He used ultimatums, making her choose between living with a 12 yr old boy or leaving. I guess she made her choice. But she was using ultimatums with him, as well. She thinks of a 12 yr old as another mouth to feed, but he's not a baby. Not an adult able to completely be independent, but there would be 2 extra hands. There would be more help with cleaning and he could make his own school lunches. On the other hand, if she's really not gung ho on adapting to life's unexpected situations then she should move on and stop investing anymore money into that family. I don't believe the issue lies just on the brother. What would happen during the wedding planning and after the wedding? Or how about when they buy a house? Resentment is a fungal rot in relationships.
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howdylee 3 years ago
Deal breaker red flag that should have ended the relationship years ago was in the very last sentence. "he hates cats." done. end of story. do not pass go.
Sue Jones 3 years ago
For me it would have been. Unless someone is allergic, cat haters tend to be controlling and/or authoritarian.
Load More Replies... Loreitta M Tuthill 3 years ago
This is a sad situation all around. Why can't the fiance get death benefits from social security? This would help with his school expenses. Why can't the finance work part-time and school part-time. When life events happen flexibility is necessary. OP needed to leave if she wasn't comfortable with the needed changes. Ex-fiance and half brother could make it work in the small apartment.
BluEyedSeoulite 3 years ago
I feel so bad for the whole situation and ESH. She is an AH but I get her side of things too so I guess it is a justified AH move. If she had worked and her bf had gone to school first, it would have been a totally different issue. This is really why you shouldn't put your life on hold to help a significant other unless you are married. Her BF is an AH for the ultimatum and refusing to be flexible. It's better that they split up and find more suitable partners
Bunzilla 3 years ago
It's not like she didn't try. She would have helped look after his brother if the fiance had gotten a part-time job or put off his own education. But he refused to make any sacrifices at all; it was all going to be on her. That's not fair to ask of her.
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Pastel Mint 3 years ago
My issue with this whole thing was when the OP brought up foster care, I understand that op was put into foster care but that should make her even more empathetic for the boy in my opinion. Instead it feels as if she's saying "So I was in foster care big deal" and trying to minimize what's happening to him, you'd think that she'd be more willing to help him knowing his situation. The boy was also her fiance's brother, so no matter how much she didn't want to take responsibility for him he was still going to be a part of her life regardless. It seems to me like she was trying to put separation between them, her fiance and his brother are both grieving. They just lost their father, and the boy lost both of his parents. I feel bad for everyone in this situation especially the boy, losing your parents then having to sleep on the floor and watch someone else's kids is horrible.
Mary Muir 3 years ago
to be fair, it didn't seem like little brother (half brother?) had not really been a part of their life before, so this all came as a huge shock. And then finding out that no one in the family had any savings and she had to pay for the funeral came as the topping on the cake, as OP suddenly realized that BF was going to put the entire financial burden on her. I get the impression that it's really important to OP to save for a house, that may be how foster care affected her. She's been sacrificing towards that, and now she's expected to blow her savings on little brother and BF won't even get a part time job to help. that was a wake up call for OP.
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faire de la peche 3 years ago
Even with this generation, the men/boyfriend assume that women can take over the responsibilities of child rearing. She is right in thinking that she would be the one raising his brother. I have watched it for the last 50 years in my neighborhood. Run girl.
Ryan Hescock (Stanos) 3 years ago
He hated cats, that was your first red flag. Would have been a controlling deuchbag if they got married.
OmBoyGanesh 3 years ago (edited)
For better or for worse! I dove head first into a 2-month relationship by moving 2700 miles to support my now-husband thru med school, internship & residency. Because life happens & he was abruptly left with this on his plate & working full-time while stuck in the middle of a formerly shared lease. When he established himself career-wise he supported me taking a few years off to care for an ailing parent. Something that required us to move back to where I came from. We married & both equally share our families. When my sister passed suddenly, we went thru the foster and adoption process for my then 3yo nephew. We’d been clear about not wanting kids. I had no right to expect him to do this. But he never even questioned it. He saw it as much his job as mine. He allowed me to spend another few years as just a dad. Never once have we tallied efforts or costs & he’s the proudest dad (next to me, lol) of our now 8yo son. Shît happens & you have to adapt, realign wants & roll with it
Shine Chisholm 3 years ago
It sounds like you have a lovely family, and I'm happy for you! I'm sorry for the loss of your sister, though
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Sharon Gersowsky 3 years ago
From my reading and understanding of this letter, there doesn't appear to be much love or respect for one another in this relationship. With love and respect, solutions would and could be found. It seems to me that her fiance should be doing research to find out what benefits the boy is entitled to e.g.survivor benefits through Social Security. There is also money from the government for fostering a child. There is money available in the form of food assistance (SNAP) and Medicaid for the boy and possibly the fiance while he's going to school and not earning money. However, millions of people work and study at the same time - don't know why he's "incapable" of doing that. There's always a way IF there's the willingness to do something. He could be applying for grants to further his studies. He could attend Community college instead of university and work part time. That would give him an idea of what the situation would be like 2:years hence
Jan 3 years ago
Extreme unexpected pressure situation but based on the unexpected funeral expense it's always going to be some unexpected large expense with this guy and everything will always have to be handled his way and somehow it always has to come from your pocket. $10k for a funeral? Cremation costs $2k. Numbers sure make it clear. With a child the pressure to shell out will be constant. You have plans and these aren't them.. I don't know that OP has to repay what he spent after already shelling out that much for the funeral. Yes, the kid. It would kill me to say no but he's not your kid. His parents didn't provide for him, foisted his wellbeing off on anyone. You made your decisions, partially based on your own tough experiences. I'm a hardass about how much others cost me because they will drain you dry, meanwhile somehow always having cash for cigarettes, booze and pot which might not be the situation here but the funeral... The expense continues to be excessive.
Jenessa Squires 3 years ago
This guy spent "300/month" on her but she didn't include her half of rent in that clearly. She did the math wrong and grossly underpaid him for what she technically 'owed'. The funeral didn't come close to equalling the amount he spent on her over 4 years of her being able to go to school stress free. Now she puts all the stress on him when he needs a little help. She's heartless and obviously a liar because she changes her story throughout when it's obvious she wasn't going to allow him to live with them period. She knew the fiance wouldn't have time for a job plus school plus full time child care all by himself, but thats the only option she gave. She didn't have time for a job when she was in school to help out though?
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D Na 3 years ago
Me and my 11 years boyfriend also childfree and I don't want kid. He's okay with it. And he also okay to postpone our wedding until my baby brother settled. He's helping me supporting my mom and my brother. I guess there's a compromise for everything. But her fiance pretty much the ahole for me. I'll be pissed to if I was her. She's lovely enough to give solution and suggestion
Mad McQueen 3 years ago
Smart Girl. He was deff put in a situation with Family he didn't expect. But did expect his Meal ticket to be Michelin star Vs your Cracker Barrel. Meaning you got school He got A funeral an school and wants a bro too on your dimes. Now you get a cat. Or two. So they are lonely.
BoopBoop 3 years ago (edited)
You all are downvoting me, but if the genders were reversed, you'd be calling the woman foolish for prioritizing his schooling and career advancement over hers. I mean, breaking up is definitely the right call. She'll get want she wants, and be the ultimate winner, and he'll learn not to make the mistake of supporting someone else's dreams and putting his own on hold.
Load More Replies... Mary Muir 3 years ago
Poor kid! But OP is right, you can't move a 12 yo boy into a studio with a young couple - there's no privacy. And as hard hearted as it may seem to crunch the numbers, OP just paid 10k for her BF's parent's funeral. BF didn't pay anything. It sounds like BF never saved any money while supporting OP in school, while OP has been focused on saving for a house. So BF demanding that OP support both BF and the little brother and pay for a larger apartment, without willing to do anything on his end to contribute, just won't fly. Absolutely they need to file for SS survivor benefits for little brother (those put me through 4 years of university back when!). Also instead of planning to move little brother into their cramped studio, why didn't they talk to the aunt about how to rearrange her home to accommodate little brother. If there is some space there they can fix up with a bed/folding cot for him, a little dresser or cupboard for his stuff?
Lori Wolf 3 years ago
Similar story, except we both had income. We got custody of his daughter at 13 yrs, after her mother lost custody of her. She never even showed up to one hearing. I've never had kids and it was a very rough adjustment. My income is from disability and retirement. However, I had no experience with kids and I did t have a place to come from for authority over this child. Her dad patented her through a guilt screen. I ended up taking her to school and back and did pretty much everything. It was tough to even get my niece and step-daughter to contribute with cleaning and cooking. I began to have resentments. Heck, I'd never cooked for more.than 2 people before. With this life experience, I believe that the fiance should have hands down gotten a job to help support. Even if it made taking less classes, or NO classes. Thats HIS brother and he needed to take point. Life throws you curve balls and you have to take it. I did a lot with and for my step-daughter. Much of which she is just
Lori Wolf 3 years ago
Now realizing and commenting on at 25. I'm extremely proud of her. However, o e must understand that the human brain simply does not mature until the mid 20s. It's taken till now to be appreciated for what we did. I had resentments that are finally fading, but one thing has not changed. She still doesn't have a cook day or two and she doesn't do her cleaning chore, which is vacuuming. And dad just doesn't think thats such a big deal. So taking on your significant others child has some really uos and downs. I, again, understand her side, especially if trying to share a single apartment! Ugh, horrible situation. But the brother needs to face the fact that if he wants to take in his younger brother, he has to.step up and make money more than take classes now. She's leaving, so he's going to have to do just that.
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kath morgan 3 years ago
Seems to have worked out as it should. If he wants to take on the child, he must accept responsibility for doing so, with or without her. Suddenly without the meal ticket, does he feel so urgent to make sacrifices? I bet not.
Mary LaPlaca 3 years ago
He's the AH here. Yes, it was a tragic thing that happened, but he's not even willing to meet her halfway. I give her a lot of credit for her decision to move on....it couldn't have been an easy one to make. Taking on the responsibility of a child while you're barely getting by yourself is a wrong move. I feel for the kid; he's the one in the middle. His brother needs to seek help from Social Security & Social Services. There are many ways they can help. I wish them all luck.
Rannveig Ess 3 years ago
The good part is the OP had "that big bad thing" happen before they got married, instead of something happeneing after marriage and 3 kids that suddenly makes you realize you're with the wrong partner. I feel bad for that boy. Derek needs to realize bag things happen and life has to change and adapt sometimes. So do we.
Carol Fiore-Schanerman 3 years ago
I admire this ladies honesty, not only with bf, but with herself. Granted its hard for the boy, but she's not interested in having a kid around, and all the extras it takes. Yes, there are most likely survivor benefits for the child from Social Security at least until he's 18. Good luck, sir, you are going to have the opportunity to be a positive role model up close and personal for your brother.
Angie Cunningham 3 years ago (edited)
At first, I thought yes she's definitely the AH. I thought it was terrible, even though I can understand why, that you didn't want to take him. Like he didn't ask for his parents to die, he didn't ask to be orphaned, sometimes in life we do what we gotta do regardless of if we want to or not. I honestly thought it sounded horrible that you, just as a person, wouldn't help your soon to be husband's brother. But if you're only asking him to actually get a job, then he's the AH. It takes a lot of money to support a child. He should be working any way, I'll probably get hate on this, but he's a young capable man, school or not, he should be working. I wouldn't want to be working, while my man sat at home, no thank you. You did right. Find someone better!
Jenessa Squires 3 years ago
He only worked for 4 years while she went to school and didn't have a job...? She also demanded he not only get a job but also do all the work of childcare. He'd have no time for that, which she knew. She gave him an ultimatum first instead of offering condolences, she admitted her first response was 'I dont wanna live with a kid'. It's entirely selfish and heartless. But she is better off single and not married if she can't sacrifice. Imagine if it were her own sibling.. imagine if it were yours? If my partner was going to act like that about my little brother needing help and love and care, I'd be done with them too.
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CJ McMurray 3 years ago (edited)
The child is eligible for social security benefits. Why won't Dereck check it out? Overwhealmed with grief? He should be willing to get a part time job, too, and/or borrow money for college. Sounds like it is too late, however. Oh, and there should by liability for the deaths unless the accident was the fault of one of the deceased.
The Starsong Princess 3 years ago
Derek is the problem here. Firstly, the kid is entitled to social security benefits if his parents ever worked and paid into social security for as little as a year and a half. Benefits averaged $755 in 2011 so there is probably some entitlement. A part time job would easily make up the deficit. But Derek isn’t willing to compromise at all and that’s the problem.
Julie lynch 3 years ago
I agree she should leave, if she stayed, even with him compromising she'd end up resenting the situation, and leave anyway. Not her monkey, not her zoo. I hope he and his brother get on okay. I understand where he is coming from also.
Eugenia Lindsey 3 years ago
Derek can work and go to school. I did. I know a 21'year old who took responsibility for his 7 sibling when their mother died. He worked and finished college. Stop whining about this tragedy and step up to the plate. What is wrong w you? This 12 year old lost his parents! The reason for this conflict is poverty.
Magpie 3 years ago
Same. I worked full-time and took 12+ credits/semester while my older kids were ages 8-12. I took as many courses online as possible and then 1 or 2 courses held 1 night a week. I didn't have to miss any of my kids' activities or lose out on spending time with them. It certainly wasn't easy, but can be done.
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Bonesko 3 years ago
This is a tough one, but I'm going with NTA. I don't, and never wanted children, so much that I wasn't comfortable dating someone with children. Like it or not, you will become a part of their life, it's inevitable. But I was guardian to my 2 nieces, 3yr and 18mon, for a little over a year. They were thoughtful, well behaved children, but it was still so hard. My entire life changed. I couldn't just spend my money impulsively like I would, can't just go out all night, smoke pot in my living room, etc. They had to come first. It was an insanely big adjustment. Luckily my brother got his act together, and the girls are with him. Taking in someone's child is something you really need to think about before doing, like this person did.
Marilyn Russell 3 years ago
What a rough situation for that poor kid - felling alone, lost and unwanted. These events will leave scars that jay never heal. There must be welfare and child benefits available that could help the older brother look after this poor kid, and he should be only going to school part-time at this point to be there for him. He was being unreasonable, maybe because he was in shock himself, I don’t know. He only had to work with the lady who was setting her own boundaries and good for her. Getting a job wouldn’t have been a bad thing.
tori Ohno 3 years ago
Women have to put their education on hold, or cancel it completely due to a child, he can do it too. Sometimes bad things happen in life, so you make it work. Her idea would have worked, but he refused. Now he has no choice but to drop out and go back to work. He should be thankful that the child is older and won't need as much after school care to pay for.
Kevin Humble 3 years ago
How much do you want to bet that he decided he can't look after him. He will need to stay at the aunts and he continues his education. I would love an update on this one.
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Donkey boi 3 years ago
Both my wife and myself have agreed not to have children (For different reasons, but it's the same result). However, we have had a talk about if anything happens to my sister and her partner, we would be willing to take in my nieces. Now you might be thinking that's nice of us, but if I told you we wouldn't do the same for my nephews from my other sister, would that change your opinion? My Niece's other side of the family tree would not be suitable and have nothing to offer them. My Nephews other side of the tree can offer more than we could. It comes down to practicality. The second someone offers an ultimatum, that's a cue to leave! I don't blame her at all.
Lisa 3 years ago
Best situation for everyone. Derek and his brother can live in the affordable studio, and she can move into her own place finally getting a cat. He most certainly planned to foist the childcare on her, he wouldn't even compromise to get a part-time job. Probably best they broke up now before resentment/fighting would begin in front of the kid, he's got his own traumatic issues to work through.
Cindy Hurd 3 years ago
Exactly what I said in the comments too. If they stayed together there would be so much conflict and that poor kid would feel so unwanted and then blame HIMSELF if they split up later
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Dominique Na 3 years ago
If child gets put in foster care and his brother can take him in, then most states will pay for his added living expenses as an official foster child. It's is not op responsibility but maybe pass the info along.
Lara Verne 3 years ago
I think best thing they could do is split. While Derek wants to take care of his brother, he cannot force someone else to it.
CatWoman312 3 years ago
She paid for his parents funeral herself and he still makes demands? I wouldn’t have given him a dime. She’s too nice.
Jenessa Squires 3 years ago
He payed her rent plus 300/ month to support her through school for 4 years but sure she's too nice by repaying some back for his parents funeral when he needed the help. He didn't start by making demands, she started by declaring she didn't want to live with a kid instead of having a heart and considering how her fiance must feel going through this. She has zero compassion!
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heather Taylor 3 years ago
The little brother would be entitled to social security. If he is the only minor child he would most likely get a sum more that most child support a month.
BluEyedSeoulite 3 years ago
This is true. Even in Indiana, children of prisoners get more in child support than if their parent wasn't locked up. The difference is even more extreme when the deadbeat parent never pays child support anyway
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Bina Wei 3 years ago
First red flag is hating cats. Most people who hate cats are not good humans, at least without a decent reason. The only exception is trauma from a cat but that is a decent reason. Cats are more like humans than we think, the difference being they make their boundaries known. They are also individuals and sometimes dogs can act like cats and cats can act like dogs as pets have their own personality mostly. They are also food motivated and most bad behaviours can be trained out if you train the right way. Point is; its usually a human who found a boundary a cat has to be unreasonable that hates cats or misunderstands what cats are like based on surface appearance. Those are people I've found not to he good friends, partners and family. Those that even tolerate, not hate, a cats existence have been ok, though. And those who have trauma from a cat at least have the excuse to hate them. Just not liking is different from disliking/hating a whole species that is not a "creepy crawly."
Bina Wei 3 years ago
Yes, cats can be pests but that's true of most pets and is the owners responsibility to limit them being a pest so they don't harm wildlife, etc. (At least as much as possible).
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Mason Kronol 3 years ago
She said she only met the kid twice so it doesn't seem her fiancé was very close with his little brother. Where is the rest of the kid's family besides the one Aunt and this half brother? It sounds like the OP sat down and gave it a lot of consideration. I think she is making the right decision. It's a sad situation but there will be too much animosity if they stay together. If they were already married it might be a different story.
JayWantsACat 3 years ago
I worked two part-time jobs at the same time putting myself through school. Their deal was that he didn't have to work during school because she didn't. Adding the brother to the mix changes that deal and now he's just refusing to work to make up for those changes. OP didn't even say no but the BF only wants things to be best for him. And then he dropped that hilarious ultimatum, which messed up everything for him. OP's nowhere near the AH here.
Annette Blanks 3 years ago (edited)
It would completely change the relationship. Every aspect of their life would be different. And they're just starting out so it wouldn't be a strong foundation. And the fiance is dumping everything on her so nothing will change for him and why in the world couldn't any of his family help with the funeral expenses? Is it a pattern for this family to expect others to do everything?
Arctic Seagull 3 years ago
For the kid sleeping on the floor buy him a bed for aunts house. Bunk or trundle bed to help. You can all be part of the kids life without the child living in OP home. If she gives in and let's kid become theirs resentment is guaranteed and the relationship will end with a lot of emotional damage to all 3. I think OP needs to pack faster.
Elizabeth Dufur 3 years ago
I feel like situations happen that don't deem either person wrong. I understand him wanting to take his brother in of course but that doesn't mean she has to be ok with it too. Sometimes relationships need to end because they are at a crossroads where there is no middle ground and not cause someone is wrong or awful, they are just at a point where they want different things
Kathleen Egan 3 years ago
The they're both assholes, but Lordy! The child! Hell, I'll take him if he wants to move to Ohio.
D. Nicole Hiljus 3 years ago
Just because this happened on the gf watch does not make it all her responsibility. When circumstances change plans should change. Since the bf was not willing to make any sacrifices, but expecting the gf to carry all of the weight I would say she can go with a clear conscious. The bf is just going to have to take out student loans. Check into government assistance. Which he should have been doing all along
Jordan Hall 3 years ago
I feel super bad for that poor kid. He didn't ask for any of this. Hey I get, it neither did they. She gave him plenty of reasonable options. The kicker for me though is not only could he have looked into getting help for his half brother, but the kid is what 13 & in 2 yrs give or take, he, himself could have gotten a job as well. I think dude shouldn't have been selfish in saying bc she didn't have to work while in school he shouldn't either. That's crazy to me. If you want your half brother to be w/ you then that falls on you my man. Not her. She apparently already said she didn't want kids. I personally would have said I will agree as long as you get a part time job, check in to getting help financially for the brother & when he turns of age to work he either works or he's gotta go. Simple. You can't just make or expect someone to step in a role they never asked for to begin w/. I think little bro is old enough to know how to take care of himself for the most part.
Nathan Cummins 3 years ago
If that happened to me and my little sister. I would have just quit school, find a job and take care of her. No if's, an's or but's. We don't leave family behind.
Michael Largey 3 years ago
I think that these are two people who have just found out that they are definitely not made for each other in the long run. This is not the last conflict they will meet and fail to resolve or the last challenging surprise they will be unable to unite to master. (And folks, haven't we only heard one side of this story?)
Gabriela 3 years ago
Some may call her selfish, others will call her cold. However, she simply put out her boundaries and the fiancé put up his, too. His bluff was a mistake. Don’t bet what you can’t loose. Yes, it’s tragic what happened to the kid, but how does that end up being her responsibility when she already knows what she can and can not handle? Better to cut ties now than later when everyone ends up worse off.
Jennifer Lee 3 years ago
I feel sorry for the kid, but Derek and his family sound like leeches, and she'd be stuck for paying a LOT more than she calculated. And she's right- Derek would probably expect HER to cook, clean, and drive the kid around. Leave the kid at his Aunt's house. The fact that the kid is 12 and won't help his aunt is a red flag already. He's going to be a huge burden. Giving Derek $3.5k is generous and fair. Walk away.
bob van wijk 3 years ago
No it's not fair. He paid way more for her, 700 a month. She should give him that back, so he can use it for his brother. She took his money. Now refuses to hold her end of the deal. Just give him his money back.
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Ralph Zaleck 3 years ago
I believe that his younger brother would be approved for some sort of government subs today like Social Security Medicaid food stamps food bank. Some sort of welfare then the aunt could buy a bed he might be able to get like 1500 or $2000 a month benefits maybe even a little nest egg set aside good luck and your boyfriend should take care of that
Sierra Barwick 3 years ago
ESH. And that poor boy is paying for everyone's selfishness. This kind of thing drives me crazy. He's not her BF, he's her fiance. In other words "we fully intend to get married and be with one another, rain or shine, for the rest of our lives." Being married obviously doesn't mean just bending to your spouse's will on everything, but it does mean you sign up to WORK THINGS OUT when exactly this type of thing comes up. He needs to be willing to get a part time job while in school. Both of them (but especially she) need to stop keeping score. Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100. You both sign up to put everything into each other, into the relationship. Also, you don't just marry one person--you marry into a family. There are responsibilities that come with that, sometimes including caring for family members that need help. If it wasn't the brother now, it could have been an aging parent years down the road. That's what you sign up for. OP and fiance clearly aren't ready for marriage.
Jenessa Squires 3 years ago
If she said to him "get a part time job and I'll help out" and he said no, then okay. But she actually demanded he not only get a job but also provide sole care for the child including all cooking and transporting. She could easily compromise with him to offer some help if he did get a job but she put him in an impossible situation and just dropped him at possibly his lowest point when he's clearly vulnerable and upset. She was obviously not committed when she agreed to marry him as you said, they are better off not getting married.
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Edward Apple 3 years ago
They should look to see if kid can get some kind of support from social security/government. My father was blind and I received monthly amount until finishing high school
Carriann Frye 3 years ago
I agree with a lot of people here - she's not the a*****e. I feel really bad for this kid but the brother needs to step up. They're agreement didn't include caring for a child and to expect her to foot the bill for all three of them is beyond reasonable expectations. If she can't, she can't, and forcing the issue is going to hurt everyone. Derek needs to put school on hold, find a job and take care of his brother.
Shoshana Sherrington 3 years ago
This guy is being unrealistic, the facts have changed, there is another person involved now. I'm impressed she was willing to do it it shows she is definitely compassionate. But obviously this massive new factor necessitates a readjustment of their living agreement and he's clearly not ready to be a parent for his brother if he can't see that
Rita Shapiro 3 years ago
One way or another, the child was going to kill the relationship. Either she would get fed up carrying the entire load, or the fiance would resent her if they did not take him in. Not to mention the financial straightjacket she'd be in... how would they have sex in a studio apartment with a 13 year old boy in the room? They would HAVE to move, and again, she's the family ATM. Not the fault of the kid, but her fiance's family is totally screwed up. She dodged a bullet by calling his bluff.
Gemma Shanks 3 years ago
OP is NTA, and is likely right about the 12 y/o ultimately becoming her responsibility. Derek would see it as “work”. Honestly, a lot of red flags. He seems immovable and not open to compromise, which is essential to ensure relationships evolve and grow and for you to both handle situations like this one. He also hates cats and wouldn’t let her get one? He sounds like a self-centred control freak. The poor kid, though. I can’t see Derek stepping up. Hope kid finishes (at least) high school.
Alice Teasdale 3 years ago
Well, I'm biased - I just took in another kid who is unsafe at home. But mine is already a big crazy family household with lots going on. Geez, poor kid.
MonsterMum 3 years ago
He doesn't like cats! That is a guy not worth having a relationship with
Deborah B 3 years ago
NTA The fiance wouldn't get a job to contribute to raising his brother. That was an AH move, followed by a*****e ultimatums. Being realistic about finances and budget isn't being an a*****e, nor is not wanting to share a studio apartment with a 12 year old. This was legitimately not what she signed up for, but she offered to work things out, with boundries - he gets a job and helps financially support his little brother, and takes on the childcare role. Nope. He's expecting her to be mommy, and breadwinner, while he goes to college. OP comes accross as cold, but she's not being an a*****e, she's just being pragmatic, honest, and bailing out of a bad situation.
Angela Turrall 3 years ago
No-one is an AH here. Her view is shockingly callous (as in all he needs is to be fed), but she's completely entitled to live her live the way she wants, and if that doesn't include a child, it's her prerogative, she's no AH for that. Her partner is grieving and likely making bad decisions, and in an altered state of mind. He is NTA even if he made some jerk comments.
Janet Howe 3 years ago
I really feel bad for the young boy. It's hard enough to lose both your parents, much less not have a secure place to live. Are there no other family members he can live with? Even if it's in another city? Fiance needs to buck up and get a job. Thousands (or millions) of people attend college and work part time. OR, there's an option to attend college part- time, and work full time. But he's not willing to compromise to help support his brother. And to calculate who-owes-who-more is petty. Relationships aren't built on spreadsheets. So he supported her when she was in college--so what? Circumstances have changed in the meantime. Their wasn't a minor without parents in the picture, when they both made their financial "deal." If she doesn't want to bring a teenager, or any child, into her life, better to know it now. I think she did the right thing. I still feel bad for the kid. He's the victim in this.
3 years ago
I won't judge. Life isn't fair nor easy. Most of us can't oversee the effects of such a big decision, see so far in the future. I think and hope that OP will be happy with a cat.
Theresa Carroll 3 years ago
The only one who loses is the poor kid who lost both of his parents.. my heart goes out to you sweet boy😔🥺
LH25 3 years ago
Like many, I feel sorry for that kid. The OP sounds terrible, yes money matters but they seem to make it all about money and spreadsheets. I think the fiancé dodged a bullet, life throughs you curveballs you didn't plan for all the time. I also wonder if the kid could get Social Security, or some kind of income, based I guess on where they live.
Mary Lou Schropp 3 years ago
Assuming one or both the child's parents worked, he probably is eligible for Social Security benefits. With all her spreadsheets, did the OP ever calculate how the boy's benfits would offset.expenses? Her former fiance should apply on his brother's behalf immediately as they may make it possible for him to continue college with only a parttime job. Also, with an addition to his household, the former fiance may be eligible for grants from federal and state government and from the college itself. Former fiance needs to talk with the college financial aid office. In other words, the guy has options to attend college and raise his brother. The OP made the whole case on what she felt was her due and fair to her. She just didn't want a kid. Fair enough. Everyone is better off that she split.
Thomas Hunt, Jr. 3 years ago
Guess she never thought about the wedding vows, eh? For better or worse, rich or poor...... The brothers love each other, that's cool...but if he's not willing to make compromises for his brothers well being, that's.in him. Life rarely goes the way we want it to...even sadder is the fact that there are idiots who can't or won't take responsibility for their own choices. While I'm not fond of her putting a monetary value on everything, I understand her viewpoint. The sad truth is that she doesn't want children in her life and he wants to take care.of his brother without providing financial care. Big Bro needs to grow up.
Tris Hunt 3 years ago
It's a possibility that the relationship could've worked if he was able to compromise. Since he didn't, he ended up showing OP his true colors, a leech.
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E V 3 years ago
That's good OP can recognize her limitations. However, she is a slight AH I regards to thinking she wouldn't have a hand in helping out with dropoffs and what not. The fiance is definitely the AH to expect her to pull the financial weight for HIS brother and needs to grow up. OP made some valid arguments. His supporting her during her college years is an invalid argument as she didn't bring in an extra mouth to feed. This is entirely different and therefore, needs to get a job. And being in a relationship doesn't mean you keep score. You just help out. Once in awhile someone will need to step and carry the extra weight, because, well, stuff happens. Also, Aunt is an AH for not giving him a bed and making him babysit. Not fair to him, especially after his parents die. Fiancé should have berated her on that too. This poor kid needs somebody mature and loving in his life.
Roddfergg 3 years ago
One thing that was never mentioned... Where is this boy's biological mother?
Kristi Northcutt 3 years ago
The boy's biological mother was killed in a horrific car crash, along with his biological father. It was clearly stated that this is Derek's half brother.
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JMC5003 3 years ago
If the issue is mainly financial, I don't understand why they aren't applying for social security benefits and why no one else has pointed out to OP that survivorship benefits with social security are nothing to sneeze at (my children received those benefits after my husband died). Social security also processes applications for social security benefits relatively fast; my kids benefits started the month after my husband passed.
Lalaine Nash 3 years ago
As a nurse myself, I think she’s being selfish. For someone who used to be in the foster care, I think that she has zero compassion or humanity. I think she’s using the issue to get away with her turn to send her bf to school. Karma will bite her someday and I think her bf is a noble person for caring for his brother.
Lululoohoo 3 years ago
this whole relationship is a business transaction. Its not going to be a long term thing..not with the ultimatums and the way they are both keeping a check list of "well i did this, so you need to do that". Very sad for the 12 year old.
Sally McFarland 3 years ago
Sorry I think she's awful. LIFE is not fair and she will get hers someday. Family is everything he's better off without her. Good luck with your cat lady.
Chris DiFonso 3 years ago
In my opinion, the woman (Derek's fiancee) is pretty heartless. I worked in finance before I retired, so I understand and appreciate that she worked out the possible financial scenarios. HOWEVER, it seems to me that the real issue isn't money or budget or finances - rather, the real issue is that she doesn't want to be responsible in any way for raising her nephew. Derek is not blameless - he could work part-time AND go to school. Nevertheless, Derek's fiancee has messed up priorities - money is more important to her than her nephew.
Darryl Cummings 3 years ago
Omg. The kid can get his parents SS benefits until he's 25 as long as he stays in school. So many other programs are available. She's selfish. And life has ups and downs.
Rose 3 years ago
She been in the system, she is showing no empathy for this child. Everything she has started is around money. True he should get work to help support his brother, but man she is cold. Thus child has lost both parents, is sleeping on a floor and for payment of that made to babysit cousins. Her fiance is better off without her and find someone with a warm heart. I'm ok with being child free, and get it, but for it to come down to money? That's heartless
Kristie Brown 3 years ago
Her lack of empathy with the 12 yr old brother just blows my mind. All she sees are dollars and problems. I can't imagine what that boy is going through and dealing with. I thin k that growing up in foster care has made her resentful and callous towards the suffering of others. I'm sure she had it rough and worked very hard to get where she is. I applaud her for that. I just think if she really loved her fiance she would be more willing to take this on. The fiance and the brother will be better off without someone who will resent every nickel and every responsibility. She's NTA, but neither is her fiance for wanting to care for his little brother and finish college.
Craig Reynolds 3 years ago
NTA. Op doesn't want kids at all but was willing to compromise in this situation provided the fiancee got at least a part-time job to cover the increased expenses and that he took on all parenting responsibilities. The fiancee refused any and all suggestions and basically wanted to keep the status quo but still add a child and a larger expense burden on Op. Then, bluffing or not, he issued an ultimatum. Unless you are dealing with drug dependency, alcoholism, illegal activities, or cheating, ultimatums have no place in any relationship. Op just got a realistic preview of what her future with the guy will be like (her money is his!) and she is 100% correct to leave and dodge that bullet.
Stacy Bouwman 3 years ago
There’s fun ways to gain maturity and there’s crappy ways. This is the latter. Everybody has some quick growing up to do in this situation, including this poor kid who has lost everything he knows. She knows her limitations and she’s smart for setting them. She’s not saying an absolute, no, but Derek wants to have his cake and eat it too. Like it or not everybody has to sacrifices a little so that this kid can finish growing up. In her case, if she wants to stay with Derek, she needs to understand she just became a mom. In his case, he’s got to understand if he takes his brother in, he’s now a dad. Parenting takes sacrifice and if all are going to live under the same roof, everybody gives. All the other c**p surrounding this is extraneous. In the end, good on her for stepping out. She set her boundaries and all will work out for her. Poor kid, though, as he’s got a mess for family.
Misty Williams 3 years ago
OP was raised in foster care. OP received much more than $300 a month in fiscal support while in college from Derek. What about all the hours of emotional support, and everything that goes into supporting another human being while in school? I don't get this OP at all. She was getting ready to marry Derek if the teen fiance is any indicator. Married means family, doesn't it? Where is this woman's humanity? Her brother-in- law to be, her family member is in need. Yes supporting him will cost, but putting a price tag on family? That is messed up. I can see cutting a person from your family out if they are toxic and cause misery and stuff, but this is a12-13 year old kid who needs his family to care about him. Derek and little brother might just be better off without OP who apparently would be just as happy with a cat as with Derek. Money is clearly more important to her than her potential family.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
What potential family? OP said she had only met the kid twice. It was clear that Derek wasn't as close to his brother like he acts. Also, when you choose to marry a person it doesn't have anything to do with family. Just because you marry into a family, doesn't mean you are obligated to do anything for that family. OP made it clear that she didn't want kids, Derek knew. He tried forcing her into taking care of a child she didn't want. The very child he wanted, yet he wasn't willing to get a job and raise his brother.
Load More Replies... Dirt is Dast. 3 years ago
Hope she pays back the money he spent for her to live free while she went to school but you know that's not happening. I hope he sues her for it.
Maggie Avilla 3 years ago
He wouldn't get much since she paid for the funeral and gave him the last of her savings already for his fist semester of college and and extra $3,500 as well.
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Christine Dempsey 3 years ago
I think she is being selfish because she only thinks of herself and her freedom and money not about derek because he just lost his parents in a car accident and has a13year old half brother so she is a selfish and conniving person
Bobby 3 years ago
Op has very valid concerns here, but I don't think they're taking all the numbers into account here. I don't know what costs in their city are, but my father died when I was 15 and I got about 1300/ month from social security until I was 18(21 if I remained enrolled in school full time) I sincerely hope this amount has increased since then. I say that to say I hope financial was not the only augment she brought against this. It is a huge burden beyond money and personally, I would want to bring my underage sibling with me in the same event, but understand not wanting to take responsibility for a kid when you have no plans of having them yourself. Derek wants to do what's best for his brother. Op never wanted kids made that clear and doesn't want to be responsible for someone else's kid regardless of relationship. It is really a no one wins scenario. Minus the ultimatum TA here is life
Did you hear that? 3 years ago
This isn't a lot of information to go on. They might have had problems before this awful accident. I can understand not wanting to work while in college. He would have no time to study or do homework. He gave her the opportunity to get her education without worrying about how the bills will get paid. Plus the poor little one lost his mom and dad at the same time, didn't get to day goodbye. I think if she really loved him she would be willing to help with this while situation. There's always a way to make it work.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
That's the problem. She did try to make it work. All he had to do was get a job to cover the rest of the expenses. Since he wanted to take his younger brother in, it was his responsibility to raise him. Not hers. She made it clear that she didn't want kids. Despite not wanting kids she tried to make it work, he refused. This entire situation could have been avoided if he had just got a part time job and stepped up to be a responsible adult for his brother. He just whined when things didn't go his way.
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Azure Adams 3 years ago
Aside from all of that, he hates cats and knew you wanted one? Honey you shoulda thrown that baby and the bath water out a long time ago!!
Raj Kuthrapali 3 years ago
I think OP is doing the right thing - mostly. She knows where her financial and commitment limits lie. Derek has lost his parents and OP is supportive of him through that. He is now apparently feeling like holding onto his little bro more tightly as a possible reaction to the loss. I think instead of talking to him only about finances, treat this separation as a break. Show him that it is unfeasible to informally adopt his little bro because it is most certainly not the path to everyones happiness - It sucks, but it is what it is. Dereck needs to come to his senses about that. Giving him an opportunity to face and accept reality might be the best way to save the relationship. Assuming OP wants to - An ultimatum like what Derek gave her is absolutely a deal breaker under normal circumstances, and she is well within the right to break this off because he is also leaning pretty hard on her at this point in the story. IMO.
Argle Bargle 3 years ago
He's much better off without her. His brother will never forget what he did for him. Women come and go, and he'll find another, hopefully with a little more compassion. If the shoe was on the other foot we all know how this would play out.
Jenessa Squires 3 years ago
Yep! If it were her dying elderly parent or her own sibling I bet this would all look a lot different, unless she's just really that cold and heartless that she just values her money and time over everything.
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similarly 3 years ago
In my opinion, fiancé is NTA, Derek is NTA, and brother certainly isn't. This is no one's fault. There was a death. I understand the brother is not happy at the Aunt's house, and he certainly shouldn't be sleeping on the floor. If the fiancé is adamant (and she certainly seems to be) that she doesn't want the brother in her home, then I can only advise that she and Derek split up. It isn't going to work, and it's best for everyone if they all just admit that. No matter how much they love each other, if this is non-negotiable for both of them, they should end it. No one is wrong or bad. Things just don't work out sometimes.
Joseph Stapleton 3 years ago
Interesting how opinions seem to split based on gender. Also worth noting that this only shows OP's version of things. My take - OP is 100% the AH. Derek was dumb and out of line with the ultimatum, but as she said, he "was bluffing" and "begged to get her back". Meaning he was willing to comprimise, he was just being stubborn and handled things wrong. OP is selfish and frankly seems like an AH in general. If you loved him and had any capacity for compassion at all, this wouldn't even be an issue. Personally, I think Derek is the one that dodged a bullet here.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
Derek wasn't willing to compromise. The guy whined about having to get a part time job while he was going to school. There was no compromising with him. He 100% intended on her supporting all 3 or them, while taking care of everything. Derek threw out that ultimatum and expected her to back down so he could get what he wanted.
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Robyn Ward 3 years ago (edited)
Just curious: Is this a business arrangement or a relationship? Or a "you scratch my back then I scratch your back? I would seriously consider changing business and let your fiancé and his brother get into a more loving relaxed relationship and not a business partner. YTA for making it a business venture not relationship but NTA for feeling the way you do. I hope you and your cat will be happy with your freedom and money.
Rhonda Klein 3 years ago
I feel for the brother, he lost his family and she only thinks about herself. I wonder if scenario was switched and was her sibling, how she would deal with it. People have become so selfish, there is no room for exceptions. Everything is so me, myself and I.
Rhonda Klein 3 years ago
what ever happened to people working together. Things happen in life we have no control over. I myself feel for the brother. I just wonder how she would react if the scenario were switched and was her sibling. It has become a very selfish world. Me, myself and I and no room for exceptions. To me this is sad.
J Sanders 3 years ago
The good thing is that the Fiance will be eligible for his parents social security to help raise his brother. He may also be eligible for housing, food stamps and financial aid for college. I think it works out best this way for all of them. Do I think the man is selfish? No, not at all. Do I think the woman is selfish, no, self-centered, yes. So much better that the relationship ends since the man is stepping up and putting his own needs aside to care for the brother. That is called love-which is the furthest thing from self centerdness.
John Beck 3 years ago
I do not see many comments with an iota of sympathy for the fiance who lost his father and his step-mother. Losing a parent is hard and people are not at their best for a while after that happens. That is a tough spot all around - I am not sure any of the parties are a$$h0les dealing with such a bad situation (I am not sure what I would do in their shoes). Still, reading some of these comments by people with no emotional stake in the game is a real eye-opener about humanity. Maybe Homo sapiens should just go extinct...
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
Or people should stop making excuses for people being an AH. Grief isn't an excuse to be an AH, it's not an excuse to get your way either. This guy is 100% an adult, instead of thinking about himself and school he should be focused on his brother. It's clear he cares more about school than anything else.
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Mora Chilis 3 years ago
She is a piece of work. Cold, cold, cold. She is already calculating costs and these people were just buried? Honestly, she could have waited until he had a chance to apply for SSI benefits. There might even be an insurance payout for the deaths. HE dodged a bullet. She got a free education. Trash
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
He was getting free education too and he didn't even have to pay for his parents funeral. The guy got an add of 3,500 out of her. Lazy Derek is lucky his parents had a funeral and even got that 3,500. Now he cry about how had his life is just because he doesn't know how to compromise.
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Richard Anderson 3 years ago
The Social Secutity from both parents would more than cover the cost of supporting him.
CARA LIKE MASCARA 3 years ago
That poor Child. My heart goes out to him. Big Bro should dump the girl and sign up for Survival Benefits. When my Daughter's Father passed away, we received a substantial amount of money every month until she turned 18. He had been paying Child Support, so this was a true blessing so I could continue to take care of her needs.
Candice Cook 3 years ago
IMO ESH. Firstly, Derek needs to get real here. Do I think taking on his brother is the right thing to do?...absolutely. However, that's a job in itself and it requires sacrifices by everyone in the "household". It is completely unreasonable to believe that you'd be able to afford to go to school and not also work in their situation, BUT there are lots and lots of government benefits for surviving children that he could apply for to help ease the burden of that and he'd get that money until he was at least 18 or I think up to 24 if they are in college. Not doing that no matter where the brother ends up would be irresponsible and foolish for whomever ultimately becomes his carer. It also would make it possible to get Medicaid and probably food stamps for him and DEREK if he's unemployed or under-employed. That could theoretically make it possible for him to not work, but it would depend on where you live, the cost of living, and amount of benefits you're eligible for.
Candice Cook 3 years ago
Secondly, you are planning on marrying this person. That's a big commitment and it's supposed to be "for better or worse", not "for better or until I have to take on a responsibility I didn't ask for". I get not wanting children, but these are special circumstances and a good relationship can handle the unexpected. It's not forever, and it could certainly enhance his quality of life which should be your concern as well if you really love your fiance. I'm not saying she's completely in the wrong bc Derek is clearly delusional thinking it would be possible the way he's suggesting, but compromises could certainly be made. I will also say that if you are dead set against it even with compromise, then you are doing the right thing by moving on, but if your relationship is important enough to you to save then it's going to require some give and take by everyone. Ultimatums and spreadsheets aren't it. Reducing your relationship to numbers in Excel is pretty cold.
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Bernard Tinsley 3 years ago (edited)
To be brutally honest they are both right and both wrong, I have to give it a 50-50 situation. ... But I'm leaning towards the OP.
Panda Kicki 3 years ago
How can a funeral cost that much? Here, if no funds are left you get a free funeral, not a bad one either. Those 10k would have been better used put in a fund for the kid.
Tris Hunt 3 years ago (edited)
In some places, for example the US, funerals are expensive especially if the deceased have no life or health insurance which could, and I heavily emphasize on could, lower the costs but the debt would be much more.
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Logan Locke 3 years ago
Makes no sense. It doesn't add up. Every 12 year old boy that's been orphaned gets a social security check so this story is bogus
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
OP asked her ex-fiance to apply for it but he refused.
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Ramona Jackson 3 years ago
The half-brother should be recieving SSI survivor's benefits & medical insurance via Meficaid until he turns 18 years old. That would certainly help with expenses. However, this person seems to base decisions on a transactional basis. There's no future in that. Why on earth spend $10K of money you don't have for an expensive funeral when cremation costs less than $1K? Brother needs to get a part time job anyway without whining about the cost or time. A 13 TO needs a bed, a room & loving support to overcome such a huge loss. Money's the least of the boy's problems.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
Of course money is the least of the boy's problems. It was OP's problem. OP was the one dishing out the money, her fiance was fine with it then. The moment she asked for help he complained. People need to understand, that money is necessary to live.
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Tuna Beach 3 years ago
I wonder what country this is? In the US, Social Security would cover a big chunk of the expenses until he is 19.
Tabitha Martel 3 years ago
The only reason I'm leaning to YTA is because you seem to be keeping score financially which to me sounds like you aren't really emotionally invested anymore. It also sounds like you have some work to do on yourself. Just because you went thru the system and survived does NOT mean you make others do it. "I went thru this hard time so you have to too" is NOT a vibe. YTA because it sounds like you weren't happy on this relationship for awhile but are using one of the worst things a family can go thru as the reason to break up.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
This makes no sense. OP pointed out that he kept holding what he done for OP and he expected the exact same treatment. OP "keeping score" is common sense. Half the people I know do this. It's being responsible and knowing your limits.
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ERIKA H. 3 years ago
Esh, but i am leaning on her as more of TA. relationships are not tit-for-tat. If you only do things for someone with the expectation of getting something in return, then you're just going to build resentment and be faced with constant disappointment. As for this child thing, she should not he forced to raise a kid if she doesn't want to, but her coldness toward the situation is concerning. Life is unpredictable and turmotulous at times, and relationships are about supporting one another when these things inevitably happen.
Maggie Avilla 3 years ago
I'm leaning more towards him being TA because he can't put his education on hold or get a job for his own little brother. She's supposed to support them all just because he supported her. She probably can't afford it. Especially after paying for the funeral and this semester of college for him.
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Stevie 3 years ago
3k for a move? Wow, I have never spent more than 500€. But maybe it's different in the USA
Bex 3 years ago
Live in a city, upstairs, no car. Pay movers, deposits, setting up utilities, time off work, additional deposit cost for more expensive place, furnishings for boy's room + delivery (remember, no car). Easily 3k in many places.
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dxisy xo 3 years ago (edited)
NTA but why the hell you live in such an expensive place? this could all be solved so easily if u just moved to a more cheaper living place
Jen 3 years ago
Diance is in college, most college areas are more expensive, and moving to a different area is likely not possble because it would mean dropping out of school for him and finding a new job for her. Moving to a new area completely is often not at all helpful in cutting expenses.
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Terry Rex 1 year ago
I agree with you that he was being unreasonable and shouldn't have given you an ultimatum. His problem now is multiplied. Since now he will either have to find a new roommate willing to pay for everything or get a job and not do college until the brother gets out of his hair.
Marian Moore 3 years ago (edited)
If they are in the USA, then the man can file for #SS and other benefits for brother. I don't blame her, after giving her an ultimatum who's to say when the kid graduates, he could very well break up with her because her money would no longer be needed. She is doing what's right for her. The guy wouldn't have to move because it's a half-brother not a half-sister. He could put in for a Pell grant for his schooling and get a part time job. There is always a way if he is determined enough. 4 yrs. will fly by for the boy, and he will be 18. I also think boyfriend as forgotten she paid $10,000 for a double funeral. Nah, she doesn't owe him a thing. He should be grateful that she could pay for that.
Eva Køhler 3 years ago (edited)
Original thought was YTA, as being in a relationship means supporting each other - also when things gets though, and it's not like anyone asked for the brother to become an orphan. But after reading how the fiancée wasn't up for any kind of compromise on his part for finding a solution, then I have more sympathy - good for her moving out and getting a cat!
Paloma Vita 3 years ago
The fact that he hates cats sums it up for me... Joking aside, I feel for her and the kid. She was willing to find a solution but was met with a wall. In his shoes, I would have chosen to go back to work and delay my studies by at least a year to meet her halfway. I am glad she figured out this would not work out for her before she married him. Wishing all of them to find peace with their new situation.
Anthony LoPrimo 3 years ago
At first I thought she was a little unreasonable. Solely because stuff happens. Stuff you don't want happens. You're dating this man, and things come up. You take care of family (as long as they're not toxic saps on your life). But then I saw she actually crunched numbers. She was willing to sacrifice a bit - as long as the husband actually works a bit to contribute. That's absolutely fair - it's his child after all. And he didn't, instead giving an ultimatum? Yeah, she is definitely NTA. That's beyond disgusting. Time for the husband to learn a hard and fast lesson.
onise ikeji 3 years ago
Well thing is I feel men are always way to quick to sacrifice for women. Might be wrong but seems to me that whenever financial sacrifice is asked of women .,, there is always reluctance. Though I understand that taking a human into a home weighs heavier on a woman as she tends to take care of the home more than the guy …Another thing … if it was a young girl needing help .. y’all would be more willing to help. My takeaway is … Men need to look out for men more and stop sacrificing for women soo much … they don’t seem to be willing to do the same for us unless it directly benefits them.
Kimberly Wiltshire 3 years ago
Yeah I am leaning towards yta. I do think Derek could cut back on his course load and work parttime, but honestly. Just because you had it tough doesnt make it right. I get tired of hearing in my day... also why do you need to get a return on supporting your fiance and his let me remind you 12 year old brother who tragically lost their parents. I just here alot about the dollar sign. Money seems to be the driving issue. It wont be easy in anyway, but I think you're showing where your loyalty lays. Also, lets be clear the money you are claiming is yours is also Derek's. He did support you already through school. Tbh I dont think the kid deserves having you foisted on him. It's clear you wont treat him without resentment.
Ana Maria 3 years ago (edited)
I see the posts of everyone but really she is one cold hearted b***h and for her everything revolves around money. A successful relationship is based on much more than that and family is important no matter the extra hundred bucks that will cost to keep it together. If you ask me, he is better without her. Life will give her what she deserves when time comes because the way she goes about things she will end up alone
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
News flash, money is the only way to live. Her fiance could have easily gotten a job to help with the load, but whined instead. He got what was coming to him and I guarantee she'll live a great life with someone better.
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Michael Allen 3 years ago
I feel so sorry for the poor kid. What a time to get whiffs of being unloved. It could affect his future big time. Although I understand her point of view, I don't think they should get married. What if she got pregnant by accident? Life changes, lady and you have to adjust. I would suggest that Derek seek advice and assistance from his city's child services to see if he can qualify for some financial and housing assistance. He will need to make some major sacrifices, but NOTHING compared to the problems he will face if he marries her.
Louise Platiel 3 years ago (edited)
A near miss from spending life with the wrong person. I admire how sensible this young woman was in calculating the cost. Derek would have certainly got them into financial difficulties in the long run. Setting practical boundaries and sticking to them firmly helps avoid regret and resentment. Also, don't give an ultimatum if you aren't prepared for either outcome. This was a good one!
Celeste Jacinthe Esau 3 years ago
The problem with this world is that Jesus is in none of your lives. You do everything based off of this temporal world, and how you feel and what you want. None know what true love and sacrifice is. I think Derek and his brother are better off without a Jezebel female. Hopefully you will have a perfect life (I know you won't) and won't be in the situation where you need someone to be selfless and provide whatever it is you will need. Heed these words lady.
Maggie Avilla 3 years ago
And she's better off not supporting the both of them. Is it so terrible to ask him to get a small part time job and help while his brother lives with them?
Load More Replies... Jenessa Squires 3 years ago (edited)
OP is 1000% the AH and never loved her fiance. She clearly states it has everything to do with her valuing her time and money over anything, including her fiance and his family. He dodged a bullet with her leaving him, really! This lady not only insisted he would have to get a job, but also solely provide for the child so not even help out at all apart from a little bit financially (although not much if he has a pt job). Her contribution to try to "work with him" was basically offering to do nothing and asking him to cover the expenses too. She clearly just didn't want this relationship. You make compromise and sacrifices in relationship which she was unwilling to do. She average her cost increase to an extra 1000+ to move to a 2 BR but the average doesn't mean you can't find a good deal! Most landlords would even be willing to help out given the situation but she clearly wasn't having any of it from the start and she intentionally pushed him to breakup with her.
Jenessa Squires 3 years ago (edited)
She also falsified her math, acting like her additional cost was only 300 extra but he also payed her half of rent and utilities?? So she calculates 15k over 4 years which is very understated considering their rent is 1200 so add 600 to her so called monthly addition she cost him. That actually equals out to $43,200 he spent supporting her. Bit if a difference when you do the math correctly. She now leaves him to support himself when they agreed to support eachother and he sacrificed his 4 years to allow her to go to school without having to work. That 15k she 'payed back' is bs. She owed him so much more including his time and the love she pretended to have for him.
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LeAnn Robertson 3 years ago
I understand her point, but having been raised in foster care you think she'd have a little more compassion for the younger brother.
Maggie Avilla 3 years ago
True, but like she said. He's not in foster care. He's at his aunt's house.
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Dorothy Stovall 3 years ago
Babe, you're going to go through a lot of unplanned and unbargained-for things in your life. Life is not fair, neat and pretty, nor easy. I guess if your math doesn't add up go ahead and leave. Since your "fiancé" supported you through school and now you're done, how are you going to make it up to him? Regardless, I'd say if you have this type of tit-for-tat relationship you might as well split up, because life isn't always equal. It's hard to say who's the AH here, prizes all around.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
Oh yeah, the fiance is a massive AH. Good luck with him being selfish.
Load More Replies... El Dee 3 years ago
I think in this situation I would want the brother to come and stay with us and I would feel reassured that my fiance is a decent human being. Take the hit on money and then cut back on what you can buy, if he's willing to live without a lot of luxuries then fine, if not he can take a job. I just feel she's trying to justify her callous behaviour - what kind of man would he be to turn away his 12 year old brother??
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
In other words, she should potentially put herself in debt because he's to lazy to get a job. OP said she didn't want children, despite this she was willing to compromise. All he had to do was get a job and be his brothers guardian. But instead he complained, and wanted her to do all the work.
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Dizzie D 3 years ago
This is what life can throw at you unfortunately and she was planning to marry this man and saw him as her future husband. What if it were the other way around? What if it was her little sister? This is not an adult here that should go out and get a job. It's an innocent kid that her fiancé loves and is his family. She has obviously known since she met him that he has a younger sibling, why is she surprised that her fiancé wants him to live with them after their parents died? I think she is a heartless cow doing this so soon. She could have at least taken him in for maybe a year and planned methodically how to deal with it all, slowly and without sticking the knife in on these people who are grieving. I think her fiancé, though traumatised has had a lucky escape with her.
Maggie Avilla 3 years ago
But she can't, just moving to a new place, because they can't just stay in the studio apartment with the boy, will completely wipe all her savings. She isn't saying he can't live with them, she's saying that her fiance needs to help out. That she can't support everyone alone. He won't work because the deal was she would support him after he supported her. She says she is fine with that, but she cannot afford the kid along with his college. He is unwilling to either wait until his brother gets out of high school or get a part-time job. Because it's not fair that he has to work when she didn't. Smh
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Carol Emory 3 years ago
This must not be in America. If the mother and father of the half brother are dead, the brother would qualify for survivor benefits from Social Security. It basically supplements the finances of whomever is appointed guardian of the kid. A friend of mine received it after her mother died from cancer and her father was too ill to take care of her. Her half brother was appointed her guardian and he received money each month from social security to pay for her expenses. If this OP is in America, contact Soc Sec to apply for emergency survivor benefits.
Pamela Wilkinson 3 years ago
Wow, sounds like my ex husband. My son in law had been sick and 2 days after we git married, he was admitted to the hospital. My ex was furious that we had to go and calm down my 2 very young grandc
Lori Wolf 3 years ago
This is a so sucky situation. My fiance and I decided to fight to get custody of his 13 yr old daughter after her mom lost custody of her. She was able to get out of foster care when her aunt and uncle applied to take her. She ended up not being happy there, so I moved from Orange County, CA to Lancaster, CA. Big difference in lifestyle for sure. In the high desert. We were able to get custody of her and she came to live with us, including my niece, Shay, who wad already living with me. So we had a very blended family. I also had never had kids. My niece was almost over 21, but a disability and lack of transportation was keeping her from working. I made her go down and get on assistance, with the goal of her receiving SSI eventually. They denied her. I knew that at 13, Bri would most likely have some adjustment problems, and she did. One of the main differences with our story is that I live on RSDI (FULL DISABILITY INS.) and PERS retirement, and her dad worked in construction.
Elijah Giffen 3 years ago
Presumably after getting a college degree she's able to get a higher paying job than he could when he was supporting her. The difference in pay should also be attributed to the fiance's contribution to her education, it's essentially interest. Really the dollar value should be meaningless and going strictly off of that makes it seem like a relationship of convenience rather than love. I guess the love and support over the four years was worth less to her than the money and inconvenience of the little brother.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
You mean Derek. Considering he kept bring up what he did for her while knowing first hand that she didn't want kids. This guy could have easily gotten a part time job to help and raise his brother. But he chose to push everything onto her plate. It must really be inconvenient for a guy to have to get a job now, especially if he wants to take care of his brother.
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Daniel Starrett 3 years ago
While the op had some fair points in regards to the cost of taking his half brother in, she is still most definitely the AH in this picture. 1st (and foremost), you do not keep tally of who spends what, when if you are in a relationship. Yes a certain amount of energy needs to be put into earning the money needed, but there are other aspects that require just as much work if not more. 2nd. It's time for her to grow up and stop expecting life "to be fair". It isn't. It never has been and it never will be. Yes they had their ideas about what they wanted in life as a couple. They had their plans. Then life happened. Grow up. 3rd. She keeps mentioning that she grew up in foster care... So she should be the last person advocating the system to any child. In regards to thinking the brother should be grateful to not be in the system, but having to sleep on the floor and babysit five little cousins?! Tbh I am surprised the courts even allow the brother to live with his aunt...
Jen 3 years ago
Working for decades with kids in the system, the courts will ALWAYS prioritize putting a child with known adult family over strangers. Unless another aunt or uncle had a separate bedroom for him and was willing to take him, they will put this aunt first as guardian choice - even over the brother because he isnt working and would be expecting the child to share a room with an unrelated adult. The courts wont take her income into account because they arent married so she isnt obligated. AND if the parents specified that that aunt becomes guardian in thier will, the courts are unlikely to go against those wishes. Fiance may want to take in his brother but courts arent likely to agree right now.
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Exotic Butters 3 years ago
I hope OP leaves. Her being openly disinterested in the kid's life would surely be emotionally damaging for him. But his other option is the Aunt. Poor kid.
Leah Petitto 3 years ago
To even question this is crazy to me. Tell the kid it's temporary to see how things go, at least to see if you can swing it, then go from there! You don't just say no to your fiance's sibling after a horrific event. If it's the money you're concerned about, not only does a child get death benefits,(they back pay from death date)should also be able to apply for something called kinship care which is around $300, at least in Ohio, plus the child would, or should, qualify for food assistance through your counties local job & family services, it's the same place you apply for the kinship caretaker cash. If you need a bigger place, there are also services like Catholic Charities that will pay for 1st month & security deposit depending situations which this one sounds like it would qualify. Don't give up on your relationship, or this kid, just because of money. You just need to be thrifty. I'm a single widowed mother of 2 & still took in 5 of my nephews! It's not easy but it's doable!
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
OP didn't say no. She was willing to compromise, but her fiance refused. He needed to get a part time job to help with the money and he refused to get financial help when she asked. The fiance intended on her paying for everything and taking care of everything with a single paycheck.
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Kathi Falk 3 years ago
I bet a lot of people here read and have been influenced by Ayn Rand. The brother would have an income until he is 19 through social security, no matter how poor his parents were. He helped get her through school. Sounds like she stuck around just to take and never give. She is definitely the one in the wrong.
Ana Maria 3 years ago (edited)
Take her to court thats what she deserves if he usually paid 1400 for rent half of that she suppose to pay for it not only 300 thay she said it cost him additional because she was there. She has to take responsibility of her own full expenses not to say that he wouldve paid anyhow the 1400 if he was living there alone. The thing is he didnt live there alone he lived with the f*****g b***h that he supported to finish education , so she has to pay him back half of the total expenses he had over 4-5 years she did to take her degree and it doesnt come to 3500 USD that she mentioned here. Take her to court Derek and teach her a lesson because apparently she needs one. She used you and now she crying here pretending to be hurt? And you people here taking her side you should think harder and see the bigger picture, there is always another side of the story if you dig down you can see it without Derek coming here to give it to you.
Maggie Avilla 3 years ago
You mean 3500, plus 10k for the funeral, and the expenses for his 1st college semester.
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Bob Chester 3 years ago
that man dodged a bullet. what a selfish, selfish woman. he grew up, she never will. without him she would never have been able to afford everything her now job gives her.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
Hate to break it to you, she grew up. He never did. If you think it's okay, for a grown man to whine about getting a part time job to help his little brother you need to sort out your priorities.
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Katrina Lemin 3 years ago
Wow, I feel sorry for this man who wants to care for his young brother. Love is about understanding, caring and respecting others. Love has it’s own rewards that can’t be calculated with an excel spreadsheet. What a cold way to calculate the worth of a relationship.
Celeste Jacinthe Esau 3 years ago
I can't get over how heartless and selfish the OP is... Is life about choosing what you want to deal with??? Where is that option??? "I don't want my dad to die so it won't happen"... Oh please, grow up! She's going to get a huge shock which she so rightly deserves.
Linda Ann Weist 3 years ago
My condolences to the two brothers. The elder brother should check with the Social Security Administration, because the younger sibling should be eligible for survivor benefits and he should check with his local department of social services, because the child should be eligible for Snap benefits and the elder brother should be able to receive financial assistance for taking care of an underage child. I know this, because my cousin and her late husband, took in familial related children and are raising them. I think the woman is being selfish. If this tragedy recently occurred, she cannot expect her fiancé to be clear headed. She sounds, as though the issue is more than just a monetary issue. These two brothers have recently lost their parents. She does not seem supportive. She reiterated the idea of not wanting children. Things change when younger siblings are left orphaned.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
Well, for starter she talked to him about getting government assistance. OP's ex-fiance refused to get help. The guy wanted her to do everything without having to contribute all because he was going to school. He's the definition of childish, she tried to compromise. He refused and had to have it his way.
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Nina Harper 3 years ago
She says she did not sign on for this, but she did(I assume)promise to love for better or for worse. Her husband did not foresee this happening, but they both need to step up and do this. She needs to realize that life isn't all about what she wants or doesn't want. This boy needs family now. I think she needs to stop being selfish, and be an adult.
Tris Hunt 3 years ago (edited)
They're not married. Plus, if she stayed, Derek would not contribute financially and would have her do everything herself. How is her walking from a toxic person selfish? He mooches off of her. She offered to compromise for the sake of the little brother, but Derek won't do sh*t.
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Ronda Indgo 3 years ago
Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. It can be so unfair. So it's how the individual(s) mindset and their moral conscious effect the outcome. My opinion is the fiance need to marry her . Why hanging on. His brother is his brother and do he want to be responsible raising his little brother. Or live his life always wondering I should have or we never got married and I should have took care of my brother regardless. No one asked to be in the situation they are in. But here we are. It's going to be hard emotionally, financially and maybe some joy may come out of it. Sometimes when we make a sacrifice and hard it can be it benefits everyone in the future. Nothing is promise to us . Life is a challenge and unpredictable. If it was me I would take my brother in and try my best to take care of his needs and give a chance in life. Regardless the sacrifice.
Arthur W. Arre 3 years ago
Social Security was mentioned as " we could get it" .Kid should already be receiving check . "150 to 180 percent of the parent's full benefit amount" so even if parents had ho hum jobs will be big chunk of that $1100.
Diana Thacker 3 years ago
You can get SSI for the 12 year brother my niece little girl her daddy died and she got benefits every month until she's 18 beyoncé can go to school part-time and work part time and could probably also get some help with food and medical insurance for his 12 year old brother through the department of human services so there's a lot of help out there for that boy if you just serve the fiance just gets takes the time to find out what kind of stuff there is to help him poor boys gone through so much you just spoke parishes died and now he feels like nobody wants him when is this poor boy supposed to have time to grieve for his mother....can't you live in the place he was living with his mom and dad
Elaine Morinelli 3 years ago
I'm sorry but you sound cruel and selfish. The kid lost his parents for gods sake! .
Isabella Desantis 3 years ago
So did many other kids. Doesn't mean op is responsible for him.
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Veronica Miner 3 years ago
I have a cure...Henan come stay with me....... I understand the issue...and feel like Iike you both in a tough spot...but thus is family and u forseen event...family just stay together..,nd work threw this and shoulder such a awful event....you don't see that little boy. Grief and how th I s effect him l9sing his family all you see is your own selfneshness....comptise .or send him to me I'd be glad to have him
onise ikeji 3 years ago
Men need to stop sacrificing for women soooo much .., they seem to always find a way out of their own share of the deal
Michael Casey 3 years ago
I think it's just me but this world has gotten very selfish and this guy is better for it. When you get married it's not about you now I'm a Christian so I don't expect most to see or understand my view. You get married it's not about you no you did not agree to this from the get go but you did get in gage so you did except all his flaws and responsibilities or you should. Second this guy paid so you could go through school now he left biting the bullet cause he loves his brother. You should have a career so you mite be making more money then he was when you went through school. No person should ever have to decide between there brother and wife that's just not right. Long term this woman was not willing to stick through sickness and health good and bad. Just what she wants unfortunately I do see this is just marriage I'm going to get what I need out of you and if not I'm divorce. She got what she wanted. Fine go get job and go to school part time you do not need her.
M.D. Friedman 3 years ago
When I got married, my Sister in Law had my Father in Law's power of attorney. And she was making a mess of it. My wife's grandmother asked me to intervene. I hired attorney and got the P.O.A. to my wife. She has a step brother who is 13 years younger. He was fifteen when we married. We were well prepared to give him a room in the house he grew up in. Instead, my Sister in law had a friend who was she was quite close to. Her daughter was my brother in laws girl friend. They eventually got married...
lenka 3 years ago
They are both arseholes and this is a prime example of making sure you share fundamental values with your partner. If they shared values the Husband would reduce his study hours and get a part time job to contribute to finances and care for his brother., and the wife, who has a four year start on her career and some savings BECAUSE of the husband should have stepped up and supported her man. Instead she has now abandoned him with $3.5k and a little brother. So much for better or worse - lucky they never took the vow. I really feel for the kid :(
Tris Hunt 3 years ago
Do you realize that he won't get custody of his brother because he has no job? And they're not even married, it's her money that has paid for basically everything in that relationship. He only contributed when she was in school, and because it was med school, that alone takes a lot of time and money, most of which was probably her own.
Load More Replies... Wes 3 years ago
Seems like they are both needing some growing up. All her math does is show how shallow her love and commitment is to her fiancé. If she is using math she could have took into account the value of 4 years of her fiancé's life that he gave up so she could go to school first and now she has a good job, thanks to his willingness to let her go first, and she is set for life. To think all she owed him was a few thousand by leaving him even after paying for the funeral when she is leaving him to care for his brother, while he is still uneducated and unable to get a decent job is pretty cruel. She was right to call his bluff for sure, and he is being unrealistic in not realizing he is going to have to go part time on his schooling to make ends meet, bu her unwillingness to accept his apology and work something out seems to make clear she was never really that committed to him or grateful for the sacrifice he made to get her on her feet financially. Sad story, hope it all works out for the boy
Silence Dogood 3 years ago
I agree. I'll also add that he's probably not thinking clearly and not totally himself right now. We can't judge him by his ultimatum because he is going through a lot of mental trauma. And there may be some details she's conveniently leaving out as well.
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Angie Cunningham 3 years ago
I don't know, she did say she'd take him, if his brother got a job. In my opinion, school or not, he should have a job any way. At first I thought she was the AH to, until I read all she wanted was the brother to get a job and help out, which Is completely understandable to me. Hell a part time job is 20 hours a week. If a man that young can't handle that, he isn't mature enough to be getting married in on the first place.
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Kristi Northcutt 3 years ago (edited)
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Ashley Kay 3 years ago
Someone didn't pay attention. She acknowledged that he paid for her school, for 4 years. He was going to school to be a doctor. Unless things have changed, that's 8 years. In the end, she was putting him through school and paying for his parents funeral. The guy got an added 3,500. All she added was that she didn't want kids, she didn't reject his brother. OP just told him to get a part time job so they could take care of his brother financially. He refused like a child. Oh, he also refused to get financial help.
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Rhia Corvalis 3 years ago
If she had the capacity, why would she ask for his help in at least getting a part-time job? Unless, I don't know, she didn't?
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Tris Hunt 3 years ago
Sometimes one has to care about money. Because without it, they'd be in trouble. She is the only one financially supporting herself and the douchebag of a fiance. He's not willing to help out. He needs to grow up and honestly grow a pair.
Load More Replies... Ashley Kay 3 years ago
OP was using common sense. She knew her limits and told her ex-fiance her concerns. He ignored her concerns and regurgitated the bs that he did for her. Grief is NOT an excuse to be an AH or to get away with c**p.
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BoopBoop 3 years ago
It's also b******t. It only cost him $300 a month to support her for 4 years? For food, medical care, housing, transportation, and entertainment? How does that work?
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rabbitsrabbit 3 years ago
1 - she was willing to pay him back for the years he supported her 2 - the help he needs from her is not just financial, its taking care of a child, a huge responsibility when she has been clear she isnt interested in parenthood 3 - she was willing to compromise if BF takes a part-time job at the very least but he wasn't willing to even though he was the one who wanted to take the kid in. Wheres the sense of responsibility? 4 - it sucks for the kid. But they are not 'family' since OP isn't married to BF. Most importantly, its not like the child has no alternative. His aunt IS family and while not the most ideal childhood, his basic needs (food, shelter, etc) will be met.
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Chris berkley 3 years ago
God help her patients? Seriously, go wander into traffic and stare straight into the son. Passing judgement just because she stood her ground, she didnt even say no she just said he had to get a job and he isnt willing to do that. But seriously take my traffic suggestion to heart, o
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PotatoPanda 3 years ago
I'm going to clarify this isn't an argument I'm just explaining something, sometimes people can't handle being a parent, why would you give time to someone you don't care about, and them knowing you don't care about them can harm them psychologically, it's not just about her it's also about not damaging the child later in life.
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Chris berkley 3 years ago
Evil, seriously, she doesn't want to be a parent and she cant afford too, it's not her family, she will have a lonely life??????she will prolly live a good life without the financial instability of becoming a parent when she didnt want too, you know what is evil though, judging people and deeming them less then just because they dont adhere to your beliefs or "moral" way of life.
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Tamra 3 years ago
I'm boggled at everyone blaming her. She literally said the boy could live with them, if only the boyfriend would get a job, which he refused. Sorry, but being a parent means putting your desires on hold sometimes, which she was willing to do, but the BF was not. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she's automatically required to care for a child. The only a*****e here is the BF.
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Tamra 3 years ago
Are people unable to comprehend what they're reading? She offered to take the child in - even though she has no desire to be a parent. Even though she's spent 10K in funeral expenses for his family. The only thing she asked was for the boyfriend to get a damn job, which he refused to do. It seems he wants her to not only fully support him, but also raise his little brother, which she rightly declined at the end. I feel sorry for the young man who lost his parents, but if his big brother was willing to grow up and make some sacrifices, he could have had a home with them.
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Tamra 3 years ago
Ah, I was waiting for the misogynists to come out. Some men are so threatened by a woman who knows what she wants, especially if that includes having a career, or no kids, or even self respect. Just admit that a strong woman scares you. This woman offered to take this child in IF her boyfriend would be willing to help by getting a job which, by the way, is the bare minimum he should be willing to do. If anyone in this story is focused solely on their own desires, it's the boyfriend.
Load More Replies... JelliTate 3 years ago
I appreciate that the she understands her limitations and is going into this with a clear head. She did not say "no" even though she did not want the responsibility. She asked that her fiance do his part to help. She will be much happier with her cat and less responsibility. I hope her fiance and his poor brother find peace.
Bunzilla 3 years ago
Right, him saying that he allowed her to not have a job while she was going through school is a false equivalency. They didn't have a third human being to look after when she was going to school.
Load More Replies... Leeca Aldrich 3 years ago
As do I. But Derek is the one at fault here. He should have already checked into SS Survivors Benefits for his brother, so that info could be used in calculating finances, and he should also have been the one to plan his parents' funeral, even though he is not the one who paid for it. Instead, it seems all responsibility has been dumped on the girlfriend. I have no doubt that all responsibility for the half-brother would also be dumped on her. Don't go back, girl!
Load More Replies... Kathryn Baylis 3 years ago
The fiancé could also go to school part time—-including summer classes—-and work part time. May take him 10+ years to finish, even though at some point his brother would no longer be a child and fiancé could take on extra courses and finish earlier than 10+ years. But he doesn’t even want to do that. The OP just shelled out $10,000 for HIS parents’ funeral, and is offering him another $3500 to help him out, and even THAT isn’t good enough. She called his bluff, and now he’s s******g his pants over it. She’s definitely NTA, and will be much happier living alone with her cat—-and eventually a new fiancé who actually deserves her. Sucks for the kid, but fiancé made his bed and now has to man uo and lie in it. Also, Auntie is a REAL a*****e for making her nephew, who just lost both his parents in a horrific way, sleep on the floor and be a free babysitter, at age 12. Sounds like the fiancé comes from a f****d up family, so that just adds to the benefits for her for getting TF OUT!
lauralett50 3 years ago
You have been reading my mind. Everything you posted is Exactly what I thought.
Load More Replies... Two_rolling_black_eyes 3 years ago (edited)
The kid/no kid thing has killed many relationships. People assume you'll change your mind when you get older/circumstances change but its often not the case and that's the end of the relationship. I admire the ex-fiance for wanting to take care of his sibling but you can't force someone to want or like children, especially when they've stated it up front.
Bad Ass69 3 years ago
You see it. Upon consideration this child will be made to feel unwanted in this studio apartment. Which can cause low self esteem and psychological damage. This child has been through enough without being made to feel like a third wheel or a thorn in someone's side. He will be much better in the end in a home where he is loved, wanted and safe! Watching his little cousins will teach him to be more responsible regardless of what he may want! I had real parents only my father made me feel loved or wanted. But when they divorced just before I turned 15 I found myself alone in this world and a homeless child. My father remarried and my stepmother regarded me as his OLD FAMILY! And he had a new family now so I had to go! My mother never wanted me and quite frequently told me that. I WAS AN ACCIDENT and she never meant to have me! What a rotten b!Г©μ! Right.
Load More Replies... S Mi 3 years ago (edited)
I think this is really complicated, and I'm not sure anyone is an a*****e here. But I will say her attitude towards the brother feels extremely callous. This boy was orphaned in a horrific accident and is sleeping on a floor in a home with 5 other kids. He'll be fed and that's enough? Ouch. No empathy I think her note that she grew up in foster care is relevant and probably informs her pov. But still reading this, my heart went out to that child.
Eliza May 3 years ago
Who is more callous, her for ssying she's willing to take it on if he could at least sacrifice a few hours a week for a part-time job so the kid could have a room of his own, clothes, school supplies, and food for a growing teenage boy? Or the brother who says, 'no, YOU didn't have to work so nrither should I, despite this huge change in circumstances?
Load More Replies... Jack S 3 years ago
The biggest problem here is the only one actually being punished is the kid. Props to the dude for wanting to take his bro in but also, get a f*****g job. And I get the gf's point of view but at the same time a lot of what I read just made me think "damn, what a c**t". This is a tough one.
TurquoiseTzarina 3 years ago
I think OP is not well suited for this relationship. Life happens, with all of its unpredictable ups, downs and sideway experiences. Some women would be able to adjust and roll with it, others aren't equipped to handle certain kinds of bumps in the road. Not pointing any fingers. You can't have a score card either. ' I put in this amount of time/money, so you have to match it with equal time/money'. It won't always be equitable. My heart goes out to the Fiancé and his young brother. They'll have to ride out this grief storm together. OP has made her decision and as long as she has peace with it, bless her. No one is really the a*****e here. Just lots of brokenness. :(
Load More Replies... Eliza 3 years ago
I may call her callous to a degree but overall I think she is NTA. The fiancé however is definitely TA. Supporting someone through college and supporting someone in middle school are 2 drastically different things. Him outright refusing to get a job when the circumstances changed just seems childish. She may not have needed to work through her schooling but he also wasn't supporting a preteen while working either.
Carlos 3 years ago
supporting someone once you already have a degree and good paying job is also not the same as supporting someone without a degree or financial stability, which is what the fiance did for her. I dont know many AH's who would put their own lives on hold to support their SO through college, especially not without being well off financially themselves, js
Load More Replies... deanna woods 3 years ago
I am going to start by saying that you don't give ultimatums in relationships. That is a big no no. Secondly, she told the fiance a long time ago that she didn't want children and now he is trying to force her to raise his little brother. Twelve year olds barely listen to their parents, does he think that this kid is going to listen to his brother's girlfriend. This is just my opinion, but I think that this guy planned to move his little brother in and have her handle all of the child rearing. Now that they are no longer together, he can finally take responsibility for his little brother. That means he may have to get a job.
Dorey Bell 3 years ago
Little brother should get counseling, survivor benefits, and a secure home. Someone should start a go fund me account, for current and future expenses. Being in a home where he feels valued and loved, is essential, when a child's life is upheaved
JPinto 3 years ago
Exactly! Unfortunately too much money is wasted on alcohol and cigarettes. But not on charity..
Load More Replies... Kelley Baltierra 3 years ago
Nta: you shouldn't have even had to pay for the funeral. Shows you're a good person. You WERE engaged: your money is not his money. I feel bad for his little brother but at least he's got a place to stay and Derek should grow up and be responsible and get a job if he REALLY wants to take care of him. You spent five years with this guy. I'm sure you'll find someone better
Tris Hunt 3 years ago (edited)
I don't get why people can't see what you're saying. They say she's being selfish, when she's being very reasonable. She grew up in foster care, sometimes that is the best some kids, and I know that not every foster home is the best, but it'd be better than living with Aunt who basically makes the kid be a slave to her own. And with the money thing, it's called a budget and in this case, it's seriously needed especially if Derek won't do sh*t. She's willing to compromise to care for the child but he isn't. He's acting like an entitled baby and doesn't want to help financially and care for his brother, it's sickening.
Load More Replies... Alex Martin 3 years ago
Never give ultimatums unless you are truly prepared for someone to call you on it. If you get your way be prepared for the relationship to never be the same. You just blackmailed another person in to getting your way and they will resent you for it.
Cindy Hurd 3 years ago
So so true! Makes your partner feel like their walking on eggshells. What will be another ultimatum down the road? And being forced to live this way makes your partner lose a part of themself..extinguishing their beautiful inner light to a lower flickering flame because they fear their partner is not as devoted as they are to the relationship as they are. It feels like a sort of rejection. I know..i went through it with my own marriages. This is why I feel she was wise and strong enough to go her own way. She kept her own beautiful flame brightly lit by not completely abandoning her own personal standards. Now a kitty is going to have the best home and I think the relationship between her ex and his kid brother can now turn into a special bond. And maybe this split up will even bring this couple back together later in life and become the strongest bond. I hope the best for all 3 of them. 🙏💗
Load More Replies... StrangeOne 3 years ago (edited)
Wow. That relationship wouldn't last, either way. I'm gonna lean ESH, but I'm not sure who the bigger AH is. The gf is coming off selfish and a martyr for sure, but I can understand her stance, too. No one is thinking what's best for the boy. He can't stay at his Aunt's, sleeping on the floor. She could get in a lot of trouble keeping a small house over-capacitated like that. He needs a proper bed, time to grieve and be in a stable home with caring people. The gf has kept tally of what she's spent on her bf and hanging it over his head. She did say he supported her when she went to school, but from what she's found with her math is that it's not equal to the amount she spent supporting him. I'm sorry, but was either of them forced to support each other? Was she coerced into financing his parent's funeral? She's not saying was, more like volunteered because she makes oh so much more than her bf and his family. This is what irks me about all this. I would like to hear from
StrangeOne 3 years ago (edited)
the bf's angle on all this. He used ultimatums, making her choose between living with a 12 yr old boy or leaving. I guess she made her choice. But she was using ultimatums with him, as well. She thinks of a 12 yr old as another mouth to feed, but he's not a baby. Not an adult able to completely be independent, but there would be 2 extra hands. There would be more help with cleaning and he could make his own school lunches. On the other hand, if she's really not gung ho on adapting to life's unexpected situations then she should move on and stop investing anymore money into that family. I don't believe the issue lies just on the brother. What would happen during the wedding planning and after the wedding? Or how about when they buy a house? Resentment is a fungal rot in relationships.
Load More Replies... howdylee 3 years ago
Deal breaker red flag that should have ended the relationship years ago was in the very last sentence. "he hates cats." done. end of story. do not pass go.
Sue Jones 3 years ago
For me it would have been. Unless someone is allergic, cat haters tend to be controlling and/or authoritarian.
Load More Replies... Loreitta M Tuthill 3 years ago
This is a sad situation all around. Why can't the fiance get death benefits from social security? This would help with his school expenses. Why can't the finance work part-time and school part-time. When life events happen flexibility is necessary. OP needed to leave if she wasn't comfortable with the needed changes. Ex-fiance and half brother could make it work in the small apartment.
BluEyedSeoulite 3 years ago
I feel so bad for the whole situation and ESH. She is an AH but I get her side of things too so I guess it is a justified AH move. If she had worked and her bf had gone to school first, it would have been a totally different issue. This is really why you shouldn't put your life on hold to help a significant other unless you are married. Her BF is an AH for the ultimatum and refusing to be flexible. It's better that they split up and find more suitable partners
Bunzilla 3 years ago
It's not like she didn't try. She would have helped look after his brother if the fiance had gotten a part-time job or put off his own education. But he refused to make any sacrifices at all; it was all going to be on her. That's not fair to ask of her.
Load More Replies... Pastel Mint 3 years ago
My issue with this whole thing was when the OP brought up foster care, I understand that op was put into foster care but that should make her even more empathetic for the boy in my opinion. Instead it feels as if she's saying "So I was in foster care big deal" and trying to minimize what's happening to him, you'd think that she'd be more willing to help him knowing his situation. The boy was also her fiance's brother, so no matter how much she didn't want to take responsibility for him he was still going to be a part of her life regardless. It seems to me like she was trying to put separation between them, her fiance and his brother are both grieving. They just lost their father, and the boy lost both of his parents. I feel bad for everyone in this situation especially the boy, losing your parents then having to sleep on the floor and watch someone else's kids is horrible.
Mary Muir 3 years ago
to be fair, it didn't seem like little brother (half brother?) had not really been a part of their life before, so this all came as a huge shock. And then finding out that no one in the family had any savings and she had to pay for the funeral came as the topping on the cake, as OP suddenly realized that BF was going to put the entire financial burden on her. I get the impression that it's really important to OP to save for a house, that may be how foster care affected her. She's been sacrificing towards that, and now she's expected to blow her savings on little brother and BF won't even get a part time job to help. that was a wake up call for OP.
Load More Replies... faire de la peche 3 years ago
Even with this generation, the men/boyfriend assume that women can take over the responsibilities of child rearing. She is right in thinking that she would be the one raising his brother. I have watched it for the last 50 years in my neighborhood. Run girl.
Ryan Hescock (Stanos) 3 years ago
He hated cats, that was your first red flag. Would have been a controlling deuchbag if they got married.
OmBoyGanesh 3 years ago (edited)
For better or for worse! I dove head first into a 2-month relationship by moving 2700 miles to support my now-husband thru med school, internship & residency. Because life happens & he was abruptly left with this on his plate & working full-time while stuck in the middle of a formerly shared lease. When he established himself career-wise he supported me taking a few years off to care for an ailing parent. Something that required us to move back to where I came from. We married & both equally share our families. When my sister passed suddenly, we went thru the foster and adoption process for my then 3yo nephew. We’d been clear about not wanting kids. I had no right to expect him to do this. But he never even questioned it. He saw it as much his job as mine. He allowed me to spend another few years as just a dad. Never once have we tallied efforts or costs & he’s the proudest dad (next to me, lol) of our now 8yo son. Shît happens & you have to adapt, realign wants & roll with it
Shine Chisholm 3 years ago
It sounds like you have a lovely family, and I'm happy for you! I'm sorry for the loss of your sister, though
Load More Replies... Sharon Gersowsky 3 years ago
From my reading and understanding of this letter, there doesn't appear to be much love or respect for one another in this relationship. With love and respect, solutions would and could be found. It seems to me that her fiance should be doing research to find out what benefits the boy is entitled to e.g.survivor benefits through Social Security. There is also money from the government for fostering a child. There is money available in the form of food assistance (SNAP) and Medicaid for the boy and possibly the fiance while he's going to school and not earning money. However, millions of people work and study at the same time - don't know why he's "incapable" of doing that. There's always a way IF there's the willingness to do something. He could be applying for grants to further his studies. He could attend Community college instead of university and work part time. That would give him an idea of what the situation would be like 2:years hence
Jan 3 years ago
Extreme unexpected pressure situation but based on the unexpected funeral expense it's always going to be some unexpected large expense with this guy and everything will always have to be handled his way and somehow it always has to come from your pocket. $10k for a funeral? Cremation costs $2k. Numbers sure make it clear. With a child the pressure to shell out will be constant. You have plans and these aren't them.. I don't know that OP has to repay what he spent after already shelling out that much for the funeral. Yes, the kid. It would kill me to say no but he's not your kid. His parents didn't provide for him, foisted his wellbeing off on anyone. You made your decisions, partially based on your own tough experiences. I'm a hardass about how much others cost me because they will drain you dry, meanwhile somehow always having cash for cigarettes, booze and pot which might not be the situation here but the funeral... The expense continues to be excessive.
Jenessa Squires 3 years ago
This guy spent "300/month" on her but she didn't include her half of rent in that clearly. She did the math wrong and grossly underpaid him for what she technically 'owed'. The funeral didn't come close to equalling the amount he spent on her over 4 years of her being able to go to school stress free. Now she puts all the stress on him when he needs a little help. She's heartless and obviously a liar because she changes her story throughout when it's obvious she wasn't going to allow him to live with them period. She knew the fiance wouldn't have time for a job plus school plus full time child care all by himself, but thats the only option she gave. She didn't have time for a job when she was in school to help out though?
Load More Replies... D Na 3 years ago
Me and my 11 years boyfriend also childfree and I don't want kid. He's okay with it. And he also okay to postpone our wedding until my baby brother settled. He's helping me supporting my mom and my brother. I guess there's a compromise for everything. But her fiance pretty much the ahole for me. I'll be pissed to if I was her. She's lovely enough to give solution and suggestion
Mad McQueen 3 years ago
Smart Girl. He was deff put in a situation with Family he didn't expect. But did expect his Meal ticket to be Michelin star Vs your Cracker Barrel. Meaning you got school He got A funeral an school and wants a bro too on your dimes. Now you get a cat. Or two. So they are lonely.
BoopBoop 3 years ago (edited)
You all are downvoting me, but if the genders were reversed, you'd be calling the woman foolish for prioritizing his schooling and career advancement over hers. I mean, breaking up is definitely the right call. She'll get want she wants, and be the ultimate winner, and he'll learn not to make the mistake of supporting someone else's dreams and putting his own on hold.
Load More Replies... Mary Muir 3 years ago
Poor kid! But OP is right, you can't move a 12 yo boy into a studio with a young couple - there's no privacy. And as hard hearted as it may seem to crunch the numbers, OP just paid 10k for her BF's parent's funeral. BF didn't pay anything. It sounds like BF never saved any money while supporting OP in school, while OP has been focused on saving for a house. So BF demanding that OP support both BF and the little brother and pay for a larger apartment, without willing to do anything on his end to contribute, just won't fly. Absolutely they need to file for SS survivor benefits for little brother (those put me through 4 years of university back when!). Also instead of planning to move little brother into their cramped studio, why didn't they talk to the aunt about how to rearrange her home to accommodate little brother. If there is some space there they can fix up with a bed/folding cot for him, a little dresser or cupboard for his stuff?
Lori Wolf 3 years ago
Similar story, except we both had income. We got custody of his daughter at 13 yrs, after her mother lost custody of her. She never even showed up to one hearing. I've never had kids and it was a very rough adjustment. My income is from disability and retirement. However, I had no experience with kids and I did t have a place to come from for authority over this child. Her dad patented her through a guilt screen. I ended up taking her to school and back and did pretty much everything. It was tough to even get my niece and step-daughter to contribute with cleaning and cooking. I began to have resentments. Heck, I'd never cooked for more.than 2 people before. With this life experience, I believe that the fiance should have hands down gotten a job to help support. Even if it made taking less classes, or NO classes. Thats HIS brother and he needed to take point. Life throws you curve balls and you have to take it. I did a lot with and for my step-daughter. Much of which she is just
Lori Wolf 3 years ago
Now realizing and commenting on at 25. I'm extremely proud of her. However, o e must understand that the human brain simply does not mature until the mid 20s. It's taken till now to be appreciated for what we did. I had resentments that are finally fading, but one thing has not changed. She still doesn't have a cook day or two and she doesn't do her cleaning chore, which is vacuuming. And dad just doesn't think thats such a big deal. So taking on your significant others child has some really uos and downs. I, again, understand her side, especially if trying to share a single apartment! Ugh, horrible situation. But the brother needs to face the fact that if he wants to take in his younger brother, he has to.step up and make money more than take classes now. She's leaving, so he's going to have to do just that.
Load More Replies... kath morgan 3 years ago
Seems to have worked out as it should. If he wants to take on the child, he must accept responsibility for doing so, with or without her. Suddenly without the meal ticket, does he feel so urgent to make sacrifices? I bet not.
Mary LaPlaca 3 years ago
He's the AH here. Yes, it was a tragic thing that happened, but he's not even willing to meet her halfway. I give her a lot of credit for her decision to move on....it couldn't have been an easy one to make. Taking on the responsibility of a child while you're barely getting by yourself is a wrong move. I feel for the kid; he's the one in the middle. His brother needs to seek help from Social Security & Social Services. There are many ways they can help. I wish them all luck.
Rannveig Ess 3 years ago
The good part is the OP had "that big bad thing" happen before they got married, instead of something happeneing after marriage and 3 kids that suddenly makes you realize you're with the wrong partner. I feel bad for that boy. Derek needs to realize bag things happen and life has to change and adapt sometimes. So do we.
Carol Fiore-Schanerman 3 years ago
I admire this ladies honesty, not only with bf, but with herself. Granted its hard for the boy, but she's not interested in having a kid around, and all the extras it takes. Yes, there are most likely survivor benefits for the child from Social Security at least until he's 18. Good luck, sir, you are going to have the opportunity to be a positive role model up close and personal for your brother.
Angie Cunningham 3 years ago (edited)
At first, I thought yes she's definitely the AH. I thought it was terrible, even though I can understand why, that you didn't want to take him. Like he didn't ask for his parents to die, he didn't ask to be orphaned, sometimes in life we do what we gotta do regardless of if we want to or not. I honestly thought it sounded horrible that you, just as a person, wouldn't help your soon to be husband's brother. But if you're only asking him to actually get a job, then he's the AH. It takes a lot of money to support a child. He should be working any way, I'll probably get hate on this, but he's a young capable man, school or not, he should be working. I wouldn't want to be working, while my man sat at home, no thank you. You did right. Find someone better!
Jenessa Squires 3 years ago
He only worked for 4 years while she went to school and didn't have a job...? She also demanded he not only get a job but also do all the work of childcare. He'd have no time for that, which she knew. She gave him an ultimatum first instead of offering condolences, she admitted her first response was 'I dont wanna live with a kid'. It's entirely selfish and heartless. But she is better off single and not married if she can't sacrifice. Imagine if it were her own sibling.. imagine if it were yours? If my partner was going to act like that about my little brother needing help and love and care, I'd be done with them too.
Load More Replies... CJ McMurray 3 years ago (edited)
The child is eligible for social security benefits. Why won't Dereck check it out? Overwhealmed with grief? He should be willing to get a part time job, too, and/or borrow money for college. Sounds like it is too late, however. Oh, and there should by liability for the deaths unless the accident was the fault of one of the deceased.
The Starsong Princess 3 years ago
Derek is the problem here. Firstly, the kid is entitled to social security benefits if his parents ever worked and paid into social security for as little as a year and a half. Benefits averaged $755 in 2011 so there is probably some entitlement. A part time job would easily make up the deficit. But Derek isn’t willing to compromise at all and that’s the problem.
Julie lynch 3 years ago
I agree she should leave, if she stayed, even with him compromising she'd end up resenting the situation, and leave anyway. Not her monkey, not her zoo. I hope he and his brother get on okay. I understand where he is coming from also.
Eugenia Lindsey 3 years ago
Derek can work and go to school. I did. I know a 21'year old who took responsibility for his 7 sibling when their mother died. He worked and finished college. Stop whining about this tragedy and step up to the plate. What is wrong w you? This 12 year old lost his parents! The reason for this conflict is poverty.
Magpie 3 years ago
Same. I worked full-time and took 12+ credits/semester while my older kids were ages 8-12. I took as many courses online as possible and then 1 or 2 courses held 1 night a week. I didn't have to miss any of my kids' activities or lose out on spending time with them. It certainly wasn't easy, but can be done.
Load More Replies... Bonesko 3 years ago
This is a tough one, but I'm going with NTA. I don't, and never wanted children, so much that I wasn't comfortable dating someone with children. Like it or not, you will become a part of their life, it's inevitable. But I was guardian to my 2 nieces, 3yr and 18mon, for a little over a year. They were thoughtful, well behaved children, but it was still so hard. My entire life changed. I couldn't just spend my money impulsively like I would, can't just go out all night, smoke pot in my living room, etc. They had to come first. It was an insanely big adjustment. Luckily my brother got his act together, and the girls are with him. Taking in someone's child is something you really need to think about before doing, like this person did.
Marilyn Russell 3 years ago
What a rough situation for that poor kid - felling alone, lost and unwanted. These events will leave scars that jay never heal. There must be welfare and child benefits available that could help the older brother look after this poor kid, and he should be only going to school part-time at this point to be there for him. He was being unreasonable, maybe because he was in shock himself, I don’t know. He only had to work with the lady who was setting her own boundaries and good for her. Getting a job wouldn’t have been a bad thing.
tori Ohno 3 years ago
Women have to put their education on hold, or cancel it completely due to a child, he can do it too. Sometimes bad things happen in life, so you make it work. Her idea would have worked, but he refused. Now he has no choice but to drop out and go back to work. He should be thankful that the child is older and won't need as much after school care to pay for.
Kevin Humble 3 years ago
How much do you want to bet that he decided he can't look after him. He will need to stay at the aunts and he continues his education. I would love an update on this one.
Load More Replies... Donkey boi 3 years ago
Both my wife and myself have agreed not to have children (For different reasons, but it's the same result). However, we have had a talk about if anything happens to my sister and her partner, we would be willing to take in my nieces. Now you might be thinking that's nice of us, but if I told you we wouldn't do the same for my nephews from my other sister, would that change your opinion? My Niece's other side of the family tree would not be suitable and have nothing to offer them. My Nephews other side of the tree can offer more than we could. It comes down to practicality. The second someone offers an ultimatum, that's a cue to leave! I don't blame her at all.
Lisa 3 years ago
Best situation for everyone. Derek and his brother can live in the affordable studio, and she can move into her own place finally getting a cat. He most certainly planned to foist the childcare on her, he wouldn't even compromise to get a part-time job. Probably best they broke up now before resentment/fighting would begin in front of the kid, he's got his own traumatic issues to work through.
Cindy Hurd 3 years ago
Exactly what I said in the comments too. If they stayed together there would be so much conflict and that poor kid would feel so unwanted and then blame HIMSELF if they split up later
Load More Replies... Dominique Na 3 years ago
If child gets put in foster care and his brother can take him in, then most states will pay for his added living expenses as an official foster child. It's is not op responsibility but maybe pass the info along.
Lara Verne 3 years ago
I think best thing they could do is split. While Derek wants to take care of his brother, he cannot force someone else to it.
CatWoman312 3 years ago
She paid for his parents funeral herself and he still makes demands? I wouldn’t have given him a dime. She’s too nice.
Jenessa Squires 3 years ago
He payed her rent plus 300/ month to support her through school for 4 years but sure she's too nice by repaying some back for his parents funeral when he needed the help. He didn't start by making demands, she started by declaring she didn't want to live with a kid instead of having a heart and considering how her fiance must feel going through this. She has zero compassion!
Load More Replies... heather Taylor 3 years ago
The little brother would be entitled to social security. If he is the only minor child he would most likely get a sum more that most child support a month.
BluEyedSeoulite 3 years ago
This is true. Even in Indiana, children of prisoners get more in child support than if their parent wasn't locked up. The difference is even more extreme when the deadbeat parent never pays child support anyway
Load More Replies... Bina Wei 3 years ago
First red flag is hating cats. Most people who hate cats are not good humans, at least without a decent reason. The only exception is trauma from a cat but that is a decent reason. Cats are more like humans than we think, the difference being they make their boundaries known. They are also individuals and sometimes dogs can act like cats and cats can act like dogs as pets have their own personality mostly. They are also food motivated and most bad behaviours can be trained out if you train the right way. Point is; its usually a human who found a boundary a cat has to be unreasonable that hates cats or misunderstands what cats are like based on surface appearance. Those are people I've found not to he good friends, partners and family. Those that even tolerate, not hate, a cats existence have been ok, though. And those who have trauma from a cat at least have the excuse to hate them. Just not liking is different from disliking/hating a whole species that is not a "creepy crawly."
Bina Wei 3 years ago
Yes, cats can be pests but that's true of most pets and is the owners responsibility to limit them being a pest so they don't harm wildlife, etc. (At least as much as possible).
Load More Replies... Mason Kronol 3 years ago
She said she only met the kid twice so it doesn't seem her fiancé was very close with his little brother. Where is the rest of the kid's family besides the one Aunt and this half brother? It sounds like the OP sat down and gave it a lot of consideration. I think she is making the right decision. It's a sad situation but there will be too much animosity if they stay together. If they were already married it might be a different story.
JayWantsACat 3 years ago
I worked two part-time jobs at the same time putting myself through school. Their deal was that he didn't have to work during school because she didn't. Adding the brother to the mix changes that deal and now he's just refusing to work to make up for those changes. OP didn't even say no but the BF only wants things to be best for him. And then he dropped that hilarious ultimatum, which messed up everything for him. OP's nowhere near the AH here.
Annette Blanks 3 years ago (edited)
It would completely change the relationship. Every aspect of their life would be different. And they're just starting out so it wouldn't be a strong foundation. And the fiance is dumping everything on her so nothing will change for him and why in the world couldn't any of his family help with the funeral expenses? Is it a pattern for this family to expect others to do everything?
Arctic Seagull 3 years ago
For the kid sleeping on the floor buy him a bed for aunts house. Bunk or trundle bed to help. You can all be part of the kids life without the child living in OP home. If she gives in and let's kid become theirs resentment is guaranteed and the relationship will end with a lot of emotional damage to all 3. I think OP needs to pack faster.
Elizabeth Dufur 3 years ago
I feel like situations happen that don't deem either person wrong. I understand him wanting to take his brother in of course but that doesn't mean she has to be ok with it too. Sometimes relationships need to end because they are at a crossroads where there is no middle ground and not cause someone is wrong or awful, they are just at a point where they want different things
Kathleen Egan 3 years ago
The they're both assholes, but Lordy! The child! Hell, I'll take him if he wants to move to Ohio.
D. Nicole Hiljus 3 years ago
Just because this happened on the gf watch does not make it all her responsibility. When circumstances change plans should change. Since the bf was not willing to make any sacrifices, but expecting the gf to carry all of the weight I would say she can go with a clear conscious. The bf is just going to have to take out student loans. Check into government assistance. Which he should have been doing all along
Jordan Hall 3 years ago
I feel super bad for that poor kid. He didn't ask for any of this. Hey I get, it neither did they. She gave him plenty of reasonable options. The kicker for me though is not only could he have looked into getting help for his half brother, but the kid is what 13 & in 2 yrs give or take, he, himself could have gotten a job as well. I think dude shouldn't have been selfish in saying bc she didn't have to work while in school he shouldn't either. That's crazy to me. If you want your half brother to be w/ you then that falls on you my man. Not her. She apparently already said she didn't want kids. I personally would have said I will agree as long as you get a part time job, check in to getting help financially for the brother & when he turns of age to work he either works or he's gotta go. Simple. You can't just make or expect someone to step in a role they never asked for to begin w/. I think little bro is old enough to know how to take care of himself for the most part.
Nathan Cummins 3 years ago
If that happened to me and my little sister. I would have just quit school, find a job and take care of her. No if's, an's or but's. We don't leave family behind.
Michael Largey 3 years ago
I think that these are two people who have just found out that they are definitely not made for each other in the long run. This is not the last conflict they will meet and fail to resolve or the last challenging surprise they will be unable to unite to master. (And folks, haven't we only heard one side of this story?)
Gabriela 3 years ago
Some may call her selfish, others will call her cold. However, she simply put out her boundaries and the fiancé put up his, too. His bluff was a mistake. Don’t bet what you can’t loose. Yes, it’s tragic what happened to the kid, but how does that end up being her responsibility when she already knows what she can and can not handle? Better to cut ties now than later when everyone ends up worse off.
Jennifer Lee 3 years ago
I feel sorry for the kid, but Derek and his family sound like leeches, and she'd be stuck for paying a LOT more than she calculated. And she's right- Derek would probably expect HER to cook, clean, and drive the kid around. Leave the kid at his Aunt's house. The fact that the kid is 12 and won't help his aunt is a red flag already. He's going to be a huge burden. Giving Derek $3.5k is generous and fair. Walk away.
bob van wijk 3 years ago
No it's not fair. He paid way more for her, 700 a month. She should give him that back, so he can use it for his brother. She took his money. Now refuses to hold her end of the deal. Just give him his money back.
Load More Replies... Ralph Zaleck 3 years ago
I believe that his younger brother would be approved for some sort of government subs today like Social Security Medicaid food stamps food bank. Some sort of welfare then the aunt could buy a bed he might be able to get like 1500 or $2000 a month benefits maybe even a little nest egg set aside good luck and your boyfriend should take care of that
Sierra Barwick 3 years ago
ESH. And that poor boy is paying for everyone's selfishness. This kind of thing drives me crazy. He's not her BF, he's her fiance. In other words "we fully intend to get married and be with one another, rain or shine, for the rest of our lives." Being married obviously doesn't mean just bending to your spouse's will on everything, but it does mean you sign up to WORK THINGS OUT when exactly this type of thing comes up. He needs to be willing to get a part time job while in school. Both of them (but especially she) need to stop keeping score. Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100. You both sign up to put everything into each other, into the relationship. Also, you don't just marry one person--you marry into a family. There are responsibilities that come with that, sometimes including caring for family members that need help. If it wasn't the brother now, it could have been an aging parent years down the road. That's what you sign up for. OP and fiance clearly aren't ready for marriage.
Jenessa Squires 3 years ago
If she said to him "get a part time job and I'll help out" and he said no, then okay. But she actually demanded he not only get a job but also provide sole care for the child including all cooking and transporting. She could easily compromise with him to offer some help if he did get a job but she put him in an impossible situation and just dropped him at possibly his lowest point when he's clearly vulnerable and upset. She was obviously not committed when she agreed to marry him as you said, they are better off not getting married.
Load More Replies... Edward Apple 3 years ago
They should look to see if kid can get some kind of support from social security/government. My father was blind and I received monthly amount until finishing high school
Carriann Frye 3 years ago
I agree with a lot of people here - she's not the a*****e. I feel really bad for this kid but the brother needs to step up. They're agreement didn't include caring for a child and to expect her to foot the bill for all three of them is beyond reasonable expectations. If she can't, she can't, and forcing the issue is going to hurt everyone. Derek needs to put school on hold, find a job and take care of his brother.
Shoshana Sherrington 3 years ago
This guy is being unrealistic, the facts have changed, there is another person involved now. I'm impressed she was willing to do it it shows she is definitely compassionate. But obviously this massive new factor necessitates a readjustment of their living agreement and he's clearly not ready to be a parent for his brother if he can't see that
Rita Shapiro 3 years ago
One way or another, the child was going to kill the relationship. Either she would get fed up carrying the entire load, or the fiance would resent her if they did not take him in. Not to mention the financial straightjacket she'd be in... how would they have sex in a studio apartment with a 13 year old boy in the room? They would HAVE to move, and again, she's the family ATM. Not the fault of the kid, but her fiance's family is totally screwed up. She dodged a bullet by calling his bluff.
Gemma Shanks 3 years ago
OP is NTA, and is likely right about the 12 y/o ultimately becoming her responsibility. Derek would see it as “work”. Honestly, a lot of red flags. He seems immovable and not open to compromise, which is essential to ensure relationships evolve and grow and for you to both handle situations like this one. He also hates cats and wouldn’t let her get one? He sounds like a self-centred control freak. The poor kid, though. I can’t see Derek stepping up. Hope kid finishes (at least) high school.
Alice Teasdale 3 years ago
Well, I'm biased - I just took in another kid who is unsafe at home. But mine is already a big crazy family household with lots going on. Geez, poor kid.
MonsterMum 3 years ago
He doesn't like cats! That is a guy not worth having a relationship with
Deborah B 3 years ago
NTA The fiance wouldn't get a job to contribute to raising his brother. That was an AH move, followed by a*****e ultimatums. Being realistic about finances and budget isn't being an a*****e, nor is not wanting to share a studio apartment with a 12 year old. This was legitimately not what she signed up for, but she offered to work things out, with boundries - he gets a job and helps financially support his little brother, and takes on the childcare role. Nope. He's expecting her to be mommy, and breadwinner, while he goes to college. OP comes accross as cold, but she's not being an a*****e, she's just being pragmatic, honest, and bailing out of a bad situation.
Angela Turrall 3 years ago
No-one is an AH here. Her view is shockingly callous (as in all he needs is to be fed), but she's completely entitled to live her live the way she wants, and if that doesn't include a child, it's her prerogative, she's no AH for that. Her partner is grieving and likely making bad decisions, and in an altered state of mind. He is NTA even if he made some jerk comments.
Janet Howe 3 years ago
I really feel bad for the young boy. It's hard enough to lose both your parents, much less not have a secure place to live. Are there no other family members he can live with? Even if it's in another city? Fiance needs to buck up and get a job. Thousands (or millions) of people attend college and work part time. OR, there's an option to attend college part- time, and work full time. But he's not willing to compromise to help support his brother. And to calculate who-owes-who-more is petty. Relationships aren't built on spreadsheets. So he supported her when she was in college--so what? Circumstances have changed in the meantime. Their wasn't a minor without parents in the picture, when they both made their financial "deal." If she doesn't want to bring a teenager, or any child, into her life, better to know it now. I think she did the right thing. I still feel bad for the kid. He's the victim in this.
3 years ago
I won't judge. Life isn't fair nor easy. Most of us can't oversee the effects of such a big decision, see so far in the future. I think and hope that OP will be happy with a cat.
Theresa Carroll 3 years ago
The only one who loses is the poor kid who lost both of his parents.. my heart goes out to you sweet boy😔🥺
LH25 3 years ago
Like many, I feel sorry for that kid. The OP sounds terrible, yes money matters but they seem to make it all about money and spreadsheets. I think the fiancé dodged a bullet, life throughs you curveballs you didn't plan for all the time. I also wonder if the kid could get Social Security, or some kind of income, based I guess on where they live.
Mary Lou Schropp 3 years ago
Assuming one or both the child's parents worked, he probably is eligible for Social Security benefits. With all her spreadsheets, did the OP ever calculate how the boy's benfits would offset.expenses? Her former fiance should apply on his brother's behalf immediately as they may make it possible for him to continue college with only a parttime job. Also, with an addition to his household, the former fiance may be eligible for grants from federal and state government and from the college itself. Former fiance needs to talk with the college financial aid office. In other words, the guy has options to attend college and raise his brother. The OP made the whole case on what she felt was her due and fair to her. She just didn't want a kid. Fair enough. Everyone is better off that she split.
Thomas Hunt, Jr. 3 years ago
Guess she never thought about the wedding vows, eh? For better or worse, rich or poor...... The brothers love each other, that's cool...but if he's not willing to make compromises for his brothers well being, that's.in him. Life rarely goes the way we want it to...even sadder is the fact that there are idiots who can't or won't take responsibility for their own choices. While I'm not fond of her putting a monetary value on everything, I understand her viewpoint. The sad truth is that she doesn't want children in her life and he wants to take care.of his brother without providing financial care. Big Bro needs to grow up.
Tris Hunt 3 years ago
It's a possibility that the relationship could've worked if he was able to compromise. Since he didn't, he ended up showing OP his true colors, a leech.
Load More Replies... E V 3 years ago
That's good OP can recognize her limitations. However, she is a slight AH I regards to thinking she wouldn't have a hand in helping out with dropoffs and what not. The fiance is definitely the AH to expect her to pull the financial weight for HIS brother and needs to grow up. OP made some valid arguments. His supporting her during her college years is an invalid argument as she didn't bring in an extra mouth to feed. This is entirely different and therefore, needs to get a job. And being in a relationship doesn't mean you keep score. You just help out. Once in awhile someone will need to step and carry the extra weight, because, well, stuff happens. Also, Aunt is an AH for not giving him a bed and making him babysit. Not fair to him, especially after his parents die. Fiancé should have berated her on that too. This poor kid needs somebody mature and loving in his life.
Roddfergg 3 years ago
One thing that was never mentioned... Where is this boy's biological mother?
Kristi Northcutt 3 years ago
The boy's biological mother was killed in a horrific car crash, along with his biological father. It was clearly stated that this is Derek's half brother.
Load More Replies... JMC5003 3 years ago
If the issue is mainly financial, I don't understand why they aren't applying for social security benefits and why no one else has pointed out to OP that survivorship benefits with social security are nothing to sneeze at (my children received those benefits after my husband died). Social security also processes applications for social security benefits relatively fast; my kids benefits started the month after my husband passed.
Lalaine Nash 3 years ago
As a nurse myself, I think she’s being selfish. For someone who used to be in the foster care, I think that she has zero compassion or humanity. I think she’s using the issue to get away with her turn to send her bf to school. Karma will bite her someday and I think her bf is a noble person for caring for his brother.
Lululoohoo 3 years ago
this whole relationship is a business transaction. Its not going to be a long term thing..not with the ultimatums and the way they are both keeping a check list of "well i did this, so you need to do that". Very sad for the 12 year old.
Sally McFarland 3 years ago
Sorry I think she's awful. LIFE is not fair and she will get hers someday. Family is everything he's better off without her. Good luck with your cat lady.
Chris DiFonso 3 years ago
In my opinion, the woman (Derek's fiancee) is pretty heartless. I worked in finance before I retired, so I understand and appreciate that she worked out the possible financial scenarios. HOWEVER, it seems to me that the real issue isn't money or budget or finances - rather, the real issue is that she doesn't want to be responsible in any way for raising her nephew. Derek is not blameless - he could work part-time AND go to school. Nevertheless, Derek's fiancee has messed up priorities - money is more important to her than her nephew.
Darryl Cummings 3 years ago
Omg. The kid can get his parents SS benefits until he's 25 as long as he stays in school. So many other programs are available. She's selfish. And life has ups and downs.
Rose 3 years ago
She been in the system, she is showing no empathy for this child. Everything she has started is around money. True he should get work to help support his brother, but man she is cold. Thus child has lost both parents, is sleeping on a floor and for payment of that made to babysit cousins. Her fiance is better off without her and find someone with a warm heart. I'm ok with being child free, and get it, but for it to come down to money? That's heartless
Kristie Brown 3 years ago
Her lack of empathy with the 12 yr old brother just blows my mind. All she sees are dollars and problems. I can't imagine what that boy is going through and dealing with. I thin k that growing up in foster care has made her resentful and callous towards the suffering of others. I'm sure she had it rough and worked very hard to get where she is. I applaud her for that. I just think if she really loved her fiance she would be more willing to take this on. The fiance and the brother will be better off without someone who will resent every nickel and every responsibility. She's NTA, but neither is her fiance for wanting to care for his little brother and finish college.
Craig Reynolds 3 years ago
NTA. Op doesn't want kids at all but was willing to compromise in this situation provided the fiancee got at least a part-time job to cover the increased expenses and that he took on all parenting responsibilities. The fiancee refused any and all suggestions and basically wanted to keep the status quo but still add a child and a larger expense burden on Op. Then, bluffing or not, he issued an ultimatum. Unless you are dealing with drug dependency, alcoholism, illegal activities, or cheating, ultimatums have no place in any relationship. Op just got a realistic preview of what her future with the guy will be like (her money is his!) and she is 100% correct to leave and dodge that bullet.
Stacy Bouwman 3 years ago
There’s fun ways to gain maturity and there’s crappy ways. This is the latter. Everybody has some quick growing up to do in this situation, including this poor kid who has lost everything he knows. She knows her limitations and she’s smart for setting them. She’s not saying an absolute, no, but Derek wants to have his cake and eat it too. Like it or not everybody has to sacrifices a little so that this kid can finish growing up. In her case, if she wants to stay with Derek, she needs to understand she just became a mom. In his case, he’s got to understand if he takes his brother in, he’s now a dad. Parenting takes sacrifice and if all are going to live under the same roof, everybody gives. All the other c**p surrounding this is extraneous. In the end, good on her for stepping out. She set her boundaries and all will work out for her. Poor kid, though, as he’s got a mess for family.
Misty Williams 3 years ago
OP was raised in foster care. OP received much more than $300 a month in fiscal support while in college from Derek. What about all the hours of emotional support, and everything that goes into supporting another human being while in school? I don't get this OP at all. She was getting ready to marry Derek if the teen fiance is any indicator. Married means family, doesn't it? Where is this woman's humanity? Her brother-in- law to be, her family member is in need. Yes supporting him will cost, but putting a price tag on family? That is messed up. I can see cutting a person from your family out if they are toxic and cause misery and stuff, but this is a12-13 year old kid who needs his family to care about him. Derek and little brother might just be better off without OP who apparently would be just as happy with a cat as with Derek. Money is clearly more important to her than her potential family.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
What potential family? OP said she had only met the kid twice. It was clear that Derek wasn't as close to his brother like he acts. Also, when you choose to marry a person it doesn't have anything to do with family. Just because you marry into a family, doesn't mean you are obligated to do anything for that family. OP made it clear that she didn't want kids, Derek knew. He tried forcing her into taking care of a child she didn't want. The very child he wanted, yet he wasn't willing to get a job and raise his brother.
Load More Replies... Dirt is Dast. 3 years ago
Hope she pays back the money he spent for her to live free while she went to school but you know that's not happening. I hope he sues her for it.
Maggie Avilla 3 years ago
He wouldn't get much since she paid for the funeral and gave him the last of her savings already for his fist semester of college and and extra $3,500 as well.
Load More Replies... Christine Dempsey 3 years ago
I think she is being selfish because she only thinks of herself and her freedom and money not about derek because he just lost his parents in a car accident and has a13year old half brother so she is a selfish and conniving person
Bobby 3 years ago
Op has very valid concerns here, but I don't think they're taking all the numbers into account here. I don't know what costs in their city are, but my father died when I was 15 and I got about 1300/ month from social security until I was 18(21 if I remained enrolled in school full time) I sincerely hope this amount has increased since then. I say that to say I hope financial was not the only augment she brought against this. It is a huge burden beyond money and personally, I would want to bring my underage sibling with me in the same event, but understand not wanting to take responsibility for a kid when you have no plans of having them yourself. Derek wants to do what's best for his brother. Op never wanted kids made that clear and doesn't want to be responsible for someone else's kid regardless of relationship. It is really a no one wins scenario. Minus the ultimatum TA here is life
Did you hear that? 3 years ago
This isn't a lot of information to go on. They might have had problems before this awful accident. I can understand not wanting to work while in college. He would have no time to study or do homework. He gave her the opportunity to get her education without worrying about how the bills will get paid. Plus the poor little one lost his mom and dad at the same time, didn't get to day goodbye. I think if she really loved him she would be willing to help with this while situation. There's always a way to make it work.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
That's the problem. She did try to make it work. All he had to do was get a job to cover the rest of the expenses. Since he wanted to take his younger brother in, it was his responsibility to raise him. Not hers. She made it clear that she didn't want kids. Despite not wanting kids she tried to make it work, he refused. This entire situation could have been avoided if he had just got a part time job and stepped up to be a responsible adult for his brother. He just whined when things didn't go his way.
Load More Replies... Azure Adams 3 years ago
Aside from all of that, he hates cats and knew you wanted one? Honey you shoulda thrown that baby and the bath water out a long time ago!!
Raj Kuthrapali 3 years ago
I think OP is doing the right thing - mostly. She knows where her financial and commitment limits lie. Derek has lost his parents and OP is supportive of him through that. He is now apparently feeling like holding onto his little bro more tightly as a possible reaction to the loss. I think instead of talking to him only about finances, treat this separation as a break. Show him that it is unfeasible to informally adopt his little bro because it is most certainly not the path to everyones happiness - It sucks, but it is what it is. Dereck needs to come to his senses about that. Giving him an opportunity to face and accept reality might be the best way to save the relationship. Assuming OP wants to - An ultimatum like what Derek gave her is absolutely a deal breaker under normal circumstances, and she is well within the right to break this off because he is also leaning pretty hard on her at this point in the story. IMO.
Argle Bargle 3 years ago
He's much better off without her. His brother will never forget what he did for him. Women come and go, and he'll find another, hopefully with a little more compassion. If the shoe was on the other foot we all know how this would play out.
Jenessa Squires 3 years ago
Yep! If it were her dying elderly parent or her own sibling I bet this would all look a lot different, unless she's just really that cold and heartless that she just values her money and time over everything.
Load More Replies... similarly 3 years ago
In my opinion, fiancé is NTA, Derek is NTA, and brother certainly isn't. This is no one's fault. There was a death. I understand the brother is not happy at the Aunt's house, and he certainly shouldn't be sleeping on the floor. If the fiancé is adamant (and she certainly seems to be) that she doesn't want the brother in her home, then I can only advise that she and Derek split up. It isn't going to work, and it's best for everyone if they all just admit that. No matter how much they love each other, if this is non-negotiable for both of them, they should end it. No one is wrong or bad. Things just don't work out sometimes.
Joseph Stapleton 3 years ago
Interesting how opinions seem to split based on gender. Also worth noting that this only shows OP's version of things. My take - OP is 100% the AH. Derek was dumb and out of line with the ultimatum, but as she said, he "was bluffing" and "begged to get her back". Meaning he was willing to comprimise, he was just being stubborn and handled things wrong. OP is selfish and frankly seems like an AH in general. If you loved him and had any capacity for compassion at all, this wouldn't even be an issue. Personally, I think Derek is the one that dodged a bullet here.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
Derek wasn't willing to compromise. The guy whined about having to get a part time job while he was going to school. There was no compromising with him. He 100% intended on her supporting all 3 or them, while taking care of everything. Derek threw out that ultimatum and expected her to back down so he could get what he wanted.
Load More Replies... Robyn Ward 3 years ago (edited)
Just curious: Is this a business arrangement or a relationship? Or a "you scratch my back then I scratch your back? I would seriously consider changing business and let your fiancé and his brother get into a more loving relaxed relationship and not a business partner. YTA for making it a business venture not relationship but NTA for feeling the way you do. I hope you and your cat will be happy with your freedom and money.
Rhonda Klein 3 years ago
I feel for the brother, he lost his family and she only thinks about herself. I wonder if scenario was switched and was her sibling, how she would deal with it. People have become so selfish, there is no room for exceptions. Everything is so me, myself and I.
Rhonda Klein 3 years ago
what ever happened to people working together. Things happen in life we have no control over. I myself feel for the brother. I just wonder how she would react if the scenario were switched and was her sibling. It has become a very selfish world. Me, myself and I and no room for exceptions. To me this is sad.
J Sanders 3 years ago
The good thing is that the Fiance will be eligible for his parents social security to help raise his brother. He may also be eligible for housing, food stamps and financial aid for college. I think it works out best this way for all of them. Do I think the man is selfish? No, not at all. Do I think the woman is selfish, no, self-centered, yes. So much better that the relationship ends since the man is stepping up and putting his own needs aside to care for the brother. That is called love-which is the furthest thing from self centerdness.
John Beck 3 years ago
I do not see many comments with an iota of sympathy for the fiance who lost his father and his step-mother. Losing a parent is hard and people are not at their best for a while after that happens. That is a tough spot all around - I am not sure any of the parties are a$$h0les dealing with such a bad situation (I am not sure what I would do in their shoes). Still, reading some of these comments by people with no emotional stake in the game is a real eye-opener about humanity. Maybe Homo sapiens should just go extinct...
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
Or people should stop making excuses for people being an AH. Grief isn't an excuse to be an AH, it's not an excuse to get your way either. This guy is 100% an adult, instead of thinking about himself and school he should be focused on his brother. It's clear he cares more about school than anything else.
Load More Replies... Mora Chilis 3 years ago
She is a piece of work. Cold, cold, cold. She is already calculating costs and these people were just buried? Honestly, she could have waited until he had a chance to apply for SSI benefits. There might even be an insurance payout for the deaths. HE dodged a bullet. She got a free education. Trash
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
He was getting free education too and he didn't even have to pay for his parents funeral. The guy got an add of 3,500 out of her. Lazy Derek is lucky his parents had a funeral and even got that 3,500. Now he cry about how had his life is just because he doesn't know how to compromise.
Load More Replies... Richard Anderson 3 years ago
The Social Secutity from both parents would more than cover the cost of supporting him.
CARA LIKE MASCARA 3 years ago
That poor Child. My heart goes out to him. Big Bro should dump the girl and sign up for Survival Benefits. When my Daughter's Father passed away, we received a substantial amount of money every month until she turned 18. He had been paying Child Support, so this was a true blessing so I could continue to take care of her needs.
Candice Cook 3 years ago
IMO ESH. Firstly, Derek needs to get real here. Do I think taking on his brother is the right thing to do?...absolutely. However, that's a job in itself and it requires sacrifices by everyone in the "household". It is completely unreasonable to believe that you'd be able to afford to go to school and not also work in their situation, BUT there are lots and lots of government benefits for surviving children that he could apply for to help ease the burden of that and he'd get that money until he was at least 18 or I think up to 24 if they are in college. Not doing that no matter where the brother ends up would be irresponsible and foolish for whomever ultimately becomes his carer. It also would make it possible to get Medicaid and probably food stamps for him and DEREK if he's unemployed or under-employed. That could theoretically make it possible for him to not work, but it would depend on where you live, the cost of living, and amount of benefits you're eligible for.
Candice Cook 3 years ago
Secondly, you are planning on marrying this person. That's a big commitment and it's supposed to be "for better or worse", not "for better or until I have to take on a responsibility I didn't ask for". I get not wanting children, but these are special circumstances and a good relationship can handle the unexpected. It's not forever, and it could certainly enhance his quality of life which should be your concern as well if you really love your fiance. I'm not saying she's completely in the wrong bc Derek is clearly delusional thinking it would be possible the way he's suggesting, but compromises could certainly be made. I will also say that if you are dead set against it even with compromise, then you are doing the right thing by moving on, but if your relationship is important enough to you to save then it's going to require some give and take by everyone. Ultimatums and spreadsheets aren't it. Reducing your relationship to numbers in Excel is pretty cold.
Load More Replies... Bernard Tinsley 3 years ago (edited)
To be brutally honest they are both right and both wrong, I have to give it a 50-50 situation. ... But I'm leaning towards the OP.
Panda Kicki 3 years ago
How can a funeral cost that much? Here, if no funds are left you get a free funeral, not a bad one either. Those 10k would have been better used put in a fund for the kid.
Tris Hunt 3 years ago (edited)
In some places, for example the US, funerals are expensive especially if the deceased have no life or health insurance which could, and I heavily emphasize on could, lower the costs but the debt would be much more.
Load More Replies... Logan Locke 3 years ago
Makes no sense. It doesn't add up. Every 12 year old boy that's been orphaned gets a social security check so this story is bogus
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
OP asked her ex-fiance to apply for it but he refused.
Load More Replies... Ramona Jackson 3 years ago
The half-brother should be recieving SSI survivor's benefits & medical insurance via Meficaid until he turns 18 years old. That would certainly help with expenses. However, this person seems to base decisions on a transactional basis. There's no future in that. Why on earth spend $10K of money you don't have for an expensive funeral when cremation costs less than $1K? Brother needs to get a part time job anyway without whining about the cost or time. A 13 TO needs a bed, a room & loving support to overcome such a huge loss. Money's the least of the boy's problems.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
Of course money is the least of the boy's problems. It was OP's problem. OP was the one dishing out the money, her fiance was fine with it then. The moment she asked for help he complained. People need to understand, that money is necessary to live.
Load More Replies... Tuna Beach 3 years ago
I wonder what country this is? In the US, Social Security would cover a big chunk of the expenses until he is 19.
Tabitha Martel 3 years ago
The only reason I'm leaning to YTA is because you seem to be keeping score financially which to me sounds like you aren't really emotionally invested anymore. It also sounds like you have some work to do on yourself. Just because you went thru the system and survived does NOT mean you make others do it. "I went thru this hard time so you have to too" is NOT a vibe. YTA because it sounds like you weren't happy on this relationship for awhile but are using one of the worst things a family can go thru as the reason to break up.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
This makes no sense. OP pointed out that he kept holding what he done for OP and he expected the exact same treatment. OP "keeping score" is common sense. Half the people I know do this. It's being responsible and knowing your limits.
Load More Replies... ERIKA H. 3 years ago
Esh, but i am leaning on her as more of TA. relationships are not tit-for-tat. If you only do things for someone with the expectation of getting something in return, then you're just going to build resentment and be faced with constant disappointment. As for this child thing, she should not he forced to raise a kid if she doesn't want to, but her coldness toward the situation is concerning. Life is unpredictable and turmotulous at times, and relationships are about supporting one another when these things inevitably happen.
Maggie Avilla 3 years ago
I'm leaning more towards him being TA because he can't put his education on hold or get a job for his own little brother. She's supposed to support them all just because he supported her. She probably can't afford it. Especially after paying for the funeral and this semester of college for him.
Load More Replies... Stevie 3 years ago
3k for a move? Wow, I have never spent more than 500€. But maybe it's different in the USA
Bex 3 years ago
Live in a city, upstairs, no car. Pay movers, deposits, setting up utilities, time off work, additional deposit cost for more expensive place, furnishings for boy's room + delivery (remember, no car). Easily 3k in many places.
Load More Replies... dxisy xo 3 years ago (edited)
NTA but why the hell you live in such an expensive place? this could all be solved so easily if u just moved to a more cheaper living place
Jen 3 years ago
Diance is in college, most college areas are more expensive, and moving to a different area is likely not possble because it would mean dropping out of school for him and finding a new job for her. Moving to a new area completely is often not at all helpful in cutting expenses.
Load More Replies... Terry Rex 1 year ago
I agree with you that he was being unreasonable and shouldn't have given you an ultimatum. His problem now is multiplied. Since now he will either have to find a new roommate willing to pay for everything or get a job and not do college until the brother gets out of his hair.
Marian Moore 3 years ago (edited)
If they are in the USA, then the man can file for #SS and other benefits for brother. I don't blame her, after giving her an ultimatum who's to say when the kid graduates, he could very well break up with her because her money would no longer be needed. She is doing what's right for her. The guy wouldn't have to move because it's a half-brother not a half-sister. He could put in for a Pell grant for his schooling and get a part time job. There is always a way if he is determined enough. 4 yrs. will fly by for the boy, and he will be 18. I also think boyfriend as forgotten she paid $10,000 for a double funeral. Nah, she doesn't owe him a thing. He should be grateful that she could pay for that.
Eva Køhler 3 years ago (edited)
Original thought was YTA, as being in a relationship means supporting each other - also when things gets though, and it's not like anyone asked for the brother to become an orphan. But after reading how the fiancée wasn't up for any kind of compromise on his part for finding a solution, then I have more sympathy - good for her moving out and getting a cat!
Paloma Vita 3 years ago
The fact that he hates cats sums it up for me... Joking aside, I feel for her and the kid. She was willing to find a solution but was met with a wall. In his shoes, I would have chosen to go back to work and delay my studies by at least a year to meet her halfway. I am glad she figured out this would not work out for her before she married him. Wishing all of them to find peace with their new situation.
Anthony LoPrimo 3 years ago
At first I thought she was a little unreasonable. Solely because stuff happens. Stuff you don't want happens. You're dating this man, and things come up. You take care of family (as long as they're not toxic saps on your life). But then I saw she actually crunched numbers. She was willing to sacrifice a bit - as long as the husband actually works a bit to contribute. That's absolutely fair - it's his child after all. And he didn't, instead giving an ultimatum? Yeah, she is definitely NTA. That's beyond disgusting. Time for the husband to learn a hard and fast lesson.
onise ikeji 3 years ago
Well thing is I feel men are always way to quick to sacrifice for women. Might be wrong but seems to me that whenever financial sacrifice is asked of women .,, there is always reluctance. Though I understand that taking a human into a home weighs heavier on a woman as she tends to take care of the home more than the guy …Another thing … if it was a young girl needing help .. y’all would be more willing to help. My takeaway is … Men need to look out for men more and stop sacrificing for women soo much … they don’t seem to be willing to do the same for us unless it directly benefits them.
Kimberly Wiltshire 3 years ago
Yeah I am leaning towards yta. I do think Derek could cut back on his course load and work parttime, but honestly. Just because you had it tough doesnt make it right. I get tired of hearing in my day... also why do you need to get a return on supporting your fiance and his let me remind you 12 year old brother who tragically lost their parents. I just here alot about the dollar sign. Money seems to be the driving issue. It wont be easy in anyway, but I think you're showing where your loyalty lays. Also, lets be clear the money you are claiming is yours is also Derek's. He did support you already through school. Tbh I dont think the kid deserves having you foisted on him. It's clear you wont treat him without resentment.
Ana Maria 3 years ago (edited)
I see the posts of everyone but really she is one cold hearted b***h and for her everything revolves around money. A successful relationship is based on much more than that and family is important no matter the extra hundred bucks that will cost to keep it together. If you ask me, he is better without her. Life will give her what she deserves when time comes because the way she goes about things she will end up alone
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
News flash, money is the only way to live. Her fiance could have easily gotten a job to help with the load, but whined instead. He got what was coming to him and I guarantee she'll live a great life with someone better.
Load More Replies... Michael Allen 3 years ago
I feel so sorry for the poor kid. What a time to get whiffs of being unloved. It could affect his future big time. Although I understand her point of view, I don't think they should get married. What if she got pregnant by accident? Life changes, lady and you have to adjust. I would suggest that Derek seek advice and assistance from his city's child services to see if he can qualify for some financial and housing assistance. He will need to make some major sacrifices, but NOTHING compared to the problems he will face if he marries her.
Louise Platiel 3 years ago (edited)
A near miss from spending life with the wrong person. I admire how sensible this young woman was in calculating the cost. Derek would have certainly got them into financial difficulties in the long run. Setting practical boundaries and sticking to them firmly helps avoid regret and resentment. Also, don't give an ultimatum if you aren't prepared for either outcome. This was a good one!
Celeste Jacinthe Esau 3 years ago
The problem with this world is that Jesus is in none of your lives. You do everything based off of this temporal world, and how you feel and what you want. None know what true love and sacrifice is. I think Derek and his brother are better off without a Jezebel female. Hopefully you will have a perfect life (I know you won't) and won't be in the situation where you need someone to be selfless and provide whatever it is you will need. Heed these words lady.
Maggie Avilla 3 years ago
And she's better off not supporting the both of them. Is it so terrible to ask him to get a small part time job and help while his brother lives with them?
Load More Replies... Jenessa Squires 3 years ago (edited)
OP is 1000% the AH and never loved her fiance. She clearly states it has everything to do with her valuing her time and money over anything, including her fiance and his family. He dodged a bullet with her leaving him, really! This lady not only insisted he would have to get a job, but also solely provide for the child so not even help out at all apart from a little bit financially (although not much if he has a pt job). Her contribution to try to "work with him" was basically offering to do nothing and asking him to cover the expenses too. She clearly just didn't want this relationship. You make compromise and sacrifices in relationship which she was unwilling to do. She average her cost increase to an extra 1000+ to move to a 2 BR but the average doesn't mean you can't find a good deal! Most landlords would even be willing to help out given the situation but she clearly wasn't having any of it from the start and she intentionally pushed him to breakup with her.
Jenessa Squires 3 years ago (edited)
She also falsified her math, acting like her additional cost was only 300 extra but he also payed her half of rent and utilities?? So she calculates 15k over 4 years which is very understated considering their rent is 1200 so add 600 to her so called monthly addition she cost him. That actually equals out to $43,200 he spent supporting her. Bit if a difference when you do the math correctly. She now leaves him to support himself when they agreed to support eachother and he sacrificed his 4 years to allow her to go to school without having to work. That 15k she 'payed back' is bs. She owed him so much more including his time and the love she pretended to have for him.
Load More Replies... LeAnn Robertson 3 years ago
I understand her point, but having been raised in foster care you think she'd have a little more compassion for the younger brother.
Maggie Avilla 3 years ago
True, but like she said. He's not in foster care. He's at his aunt's house.
Load More Replies... Dorothy Stovall 3 years ago
Babe, you're going to go through a lot of unplanned and unbargained-for things in your life. Life is not fair, neat and pretty, nor easy. I guess if your math doesn't add up go ahead and leave. Since your "fiancé" supported you through school and now you're done, how are you going to make it up to him? Regardless, I'd say if you have this type of tit-for-tat relationship you might as well split up, because life isn't always equal. It's hard to say who's the AH here, prizes all around.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
Oh yeah, the fiance is a massive AH. Good luck with him being selfish.
Load More Replies... El Dee 3 years ago
I think in this situation I would want the brother to come and stay with us and I would feel reassured that my fiance is a decent human being. Take the hit on money and then cut back on what you can buy, if he's willing to live without a lot of luxuries then fine, if not he can take a job. I just feel she's trying to justify her callous behaviour - what kind of man would he be to turn away his 12 year old brother??
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
In other words, she should potentially put herself in debt because he's to lazy to get a job. OP said she didn't want children, despite this she was willing to compromise. All he had to do was get a job and be his brothers guardian. But instead he complained, and wanted her to do all the work.
Load More Replies... Dizzie D 3 years ago
This is what life can throw at you unfortunately and she was planning to marry this man and saw him as her future husband. What if it were the other way around? What if it was her little sister? This is not an adult here that should go out and get a job. It's an innocent kid that her fiancé loves and is his family. She has obviously known since she met him that he has a younger sibling, why is she surprised that her fiancé wants him to live with them after their parents died? I think she is a heartless cow doing this so soon. She could have at least taken him in for maybe a year and planned methodically how to deal with it all, slowly and without sticking the knife in on these people who are grieving. I think her fiancé, though traumatised has had a lucky escape with her.
Maggie Avilla 3 years ago
But she can't, just moving to a new place, because they can't just stay in the studio apartment with the boy, will completely wipe all her savings. She isn't saying he can't live with them, she's saying that her fiance needs to help out. That she can't support everyone alone. He won't work because the deal was she would support him after he supported her. She says she is fine with that, but she cannot afford the kid along with his college. He is unwilling to either wait until his brother gets out of high school or get a part-time job. Because it's not fair that he has to work when she didn't. Smh
Load More Replies... Carol Emory 3 years ago
This must not be in America. If the mother and father of the half brother are dead, the brother would qualify for survivor benefits from Social Security. It basically supplements the finances of whomever is appointed guardian of the kid. A friend of mine received it after her mother died from cancer and her father was too ill to take care of her. Her half brother was appointed her guardian and he received money each month from social security to pay for her expenses. If this OP is in America, contact Soc Sec to apply for emergency survivor benefits.
Pamela Wilkinson 3 years ago
Wow, sounds like my ex husband. My son in law had been sick and 2 days after we git married, he was admitted to the hospital. My ex was furious that we had to go and calm down my 2 very young grandc
Lori Wolf 3 years ago
This is a so sucky situation. My fiance and I decided to fight to get custody of his 13 yr old daughter after her mom lost custody of her. She was able to get out of foster care when her aunt and uncle applied to take her. She ended up not being happy there, so I moved from Orange County, CA to Lancaster, CA. Big difference in lifestyle for sure. In the high desert. We were able to get custody of her and she came to live with us, including my niece, Shay, who wad already living with me. So we had a very blended family. I also had never had kids. My niece was almost over 21, but a disability and lack of transportation was keeping her from working. I made her go down and get on assistance, with the goal of her receiving SSI eventually. They denied her. I knew that at 13, Bri would most likely have some adjustment problems, and she did. One of the main differences with our story is that I live on RSDI (FULL DISABILITY INS.) and PERS retirement, and her dad worked in construction.
Elijah Giffen 3 years ago
Presumably after getting a college degree she's able to get a higher paying job than he could when he was supporting her. The difference in pay should also be attributed to the fiance's contribution to her education, it's essentially interest. Really the dollar value should be meaningless and going strictly off of that makes it seem like a relationship of convenience rather than love. I guess the love and support over the four years was worth less to her than the money and inconvenience of the little brother.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
You mean Derek. Considering he kept bring up what he did for her while knowing first hand that she didn't want kids. This guy could have easily gotten a part time job to help and raise his brother. But he chose to push everything onto her plate. It must really be inconvenient for a guy to have to get a job now, especially if he wants to take care of his brother.
Load More Replies... Daniel Starrett 3 years ago
While the op had some fair points in regards to the cost of taking his half brother in, she is still most definitely the AH in this picture. 1st (and foremost), you do not keep tally of who spends what, when if you are in a relationship. Yes a certain amount of energy needs to be put into earning the money needed, but there are other aspects that require just as much work if not more. 2nd. It's time for her to grow up and stop expecting life "to be fair". It isn't. It never has been and it never will be. Yes they had their ideas about what they wanted in life as a couple. They had their plans. Then life happened. Grow up. 3rd. She keeps mentioning that she grew up in foster care... So she should be the last person advocating the system to any child. In regards to thinking the brother should be grateful to not be in the system, but having to sleep on the floor and babysit five little cousins?! Tbh I am surprised the courts even allow the brother to live with his aunt...
Jen 3 years ago
Working for decades with kids in the system, the courts will ALWAYS prioritize putting a child with known adult family over strangers. Unless another aunt or uncle had a separate bedroom for him and was willing to take him, they will put this aunt first as guardian choice - even over the brother because he isnt working and would be expecting the child to share a room with an unrelated adult. The courts wont take her income into account because they arent married so she isnt obligated. AND if the parents specified that that aunt becomes guardian in thier will, the courts are unlikely to go against those wishes. Fiance may want to take in his brother but courts arent likely to agree right now.
Load More Replies... Exotic Butters 3 years ago
I hope OP leaves. Her being openly disinterested in the kid's life would surely be emotionally damaging for him. But his other option is the Aunt. Poor kid.
Leah Petitto 3 years ago
To even question this is crazy to me. Tell the kid it's temporary to see how things go, at least to see if you can swing it, then go from there! You don't just say no to your fiance's sibling after a horrific event. If it's the money you're concerned about, not only does a child get death benefits,(they back pay from death date)should also be able to apply for something called kinship care which is around $300, at least in Ohio, plus the child would, or should, qualify for food assistance through your counties local job & family services, it's the same place you apply for the kinship caretaker cash. If you need a bigger place, there are also services like Catholic Charities that will pay for 1st month & security deposit depending situations which this one sounds like it would qualify. Don't give up on your relationship, or this kid, just because of money. You just need to be thrifty. I'm a single widowed mother of 2 & still took in 5 of my nephews! It's not easy but it's doable!
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
OP didn't say no. She was willing to compromise, but her fiance refused. He needed to get a part time job to help with the money and he refused to get financial help when she asked. The fiance intended on her paying for everything and taking care of everything with a single paycheck.
Load More Replies... Kathi Falk 3 years ago
I bet a lot of people here read and have been influenced by Ayn Rand. The brother would have an income until he is 19 through social security, no matter how poor his parents were. He helped get her through school. Sounds like she stuck around just to take and never give. She is definitely the one in the wrong.
Ana Maria 3 years ago (edited)
Take her to court thats what she deserves if he usually paid 1400 for rent half of that she suppose to pay for it not only 300 thay she said it cost him additional because she was there. She has to take responsibility of her own full expenses not to say that he wouldve paid anyhow the 1400 if he was living there alone. The thing is he didnt live there alone he lived with the f*****g b***h that he supported to finish education , so she has to pay him back half of the total expenses he had over 4-5 years she did to take her degree and it doesnt come to 3500 USD that she mentioned here. Take her to court Derek and teach her a lesson because apparently she needs one. She used you and now she crying here pretending to be hurt? And you people here taking her side you should think harder and see the bigger picture, there is always another side of the story if you dig down you can see it without Derek coming here to give it to you.
Maggie Avilla 3 years ago
You mean 3500, plus 10k for the funeral, and the expenses for his 1st college semester.
Load More Replies... Bob Chester 3 years ago
that man dodged a bullet. what a selfish, selfish woman. he grew up, she never will. without him she would never have been able to afford everything her now job gives her.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
Hate to break it to you, she grew up. He never did. If you think it's okay, for a grown man to whine about getting a part time job to help his little brother you need to sort out your priorities.
Load More Replies... Katrina Lemin 3 years ago
Wow, I feel sorry for this man who wants to care for his young brother. Love is about understanding, caring and respecting others. Love has it’s own rewards that can’t be calculated with an excel spreadsheet. What a cold way to calculate the worth of a relationship.
Celeste Jacinthe Esau 3 years ago
I can't get over how heartless and selfish the OP is... Is life about choosing what you want to deal with??? Where is that option??? "I don't want my dad to die so it won't happen"... Oh please, grow up! She's going to get a huge shock which she so rightly deserves.
Linda Ann Weist 3 years ago
My condolences to the two brothers. The elder brother should check with the Social Security Administration, because the younger sibling should be eligible for survivor benefits and he should check with his local department of social services, because the child should be eligible for Snap benefits and the elder brother should be able to receive financial assistance for taking care of an underage child. I know this, because my cousin and her late husband, took in familial related children and are raising them. I think the woman is being selfish. If this tragedy recently occurred, she cannot expect her fiancé to be clear headed. She sounds, as though the issue is more than just a monetary issue. These two brothers have recently lost their parents. She does not seem supportive. She reiterated the idea of not wanting children. Things change when younger siblings are left orphaned.
Ashley Kay 3 years ago
Well, for starter she talked to him about getting government assistance. OP's ex-fiance refused to get help. The guy wanted her to do everything without having to contribute all because he was going to school. He's the definition of childish, she tried to compromise. He refused and had to have it his way.
Load More Replies... Nina Harper 3 years ago
She says she did not sign on for this, but she did(I assume)promise to love for better or for worse. Her husband did not foresee this happening, but they both need to step up and do this. She needs to realize that life isn't all about what she wants or doesn't want. This boy needs family now. I think she needs to stop being selfish, and be an adult.
Tris Hunt 3 years ago (edited)
They're not married. Plus, if she stayed, Derek would not contribute financially and would have her do everything herself. How is her walking from a toxic person selfish? He mooches off of her. She offered to compromise for the sake of the little brother, but Derek won't do sh*t.
Load More Replies... Ronda Indgo 3 years ago
Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. It can be so unfair. So it's how the individual(s) mindset and their moral conscious effect the outcome. My opinion is the fiance need to marry her . Why hanging on. His brother is his brother and do he want to be responsible raising his little brother. Or live his life always wondering I should have or we never got married and I should have took care of my brother regardless. No one asked to be in the situation they are in. But here we are. It's going to be hard emotionally, financially and maybe some joy may come out of it. Sometimes when we make a sacrifice and hard it can be it benefits everyone in the future. Nothing is promise to us . Life is a challenge and unpredictable. If it was me I would take my brother in and try my best to take care of his needs and give a chance in life. Regardless the sacrifice.
Arthur W. Arre 3 years ago
Social Security was mentioned as " we could get it" .Kid should already be receiving check . "150 to 180 percent of the parent's full benefit amount" so even if parents had ho hum jobs will be big chunk of that $1100.
Diana Thacker 3 years ago
You can get SSI for the 12 year brother my niece little girl her daddy died and she got benefits every month until she's 18 beyoncé can go to school part-time and work part time and could probably also get some help with food and medical insurance for his 12 year old brother through the department of human services so there's a lot of help out there for that boy if you just serve the fiance just gets takes the time to find out what kind of stuff there is to help him poor boys gone through so much you just spoke parishes died and now he feels like nobody wants him when is this poor boy supposed to have time to grieve for his mother....can't you live in the place he was living with his mom and dad
Elaine Morinelli 3 years ago
I'm sorry but you sound cruel and selfish. The kid lost his parents for gods sake! .
Isabella Desantis 3 years ago
So did many other kids. Doesn't mean op is responsible for him.
Load More Replies... Veronica Miner 3 years ago
I have a cure...Henan come stay with me....... I understand the issue...and feel like Iike you both in a tough spot...but thus is family and u forseen event...family just stay together..,nd work threw this and shoulder such a awful event....you don't see that little boy. Grief and how th I s effect him l9sing his family all you see is your own selfneshness....comptise .or send him to me I'd be glad to have him
onise ikeji 3 years ago
Men need to stop sacrificing for women soooo much .., they seem to always find a way out of their own share of the deal
Michael Casey 3 years ago
I think it's just me but this world has gotten very selfish and this guy is better for it. When you get married it's not about you now I'm a Christian so I don't expect most to see or understand my view. You get married it's not about you no you did not agree to this from the get go but you did get in gage so you did except all his flaws and responsibilities or you should. Second this guy paid so you could go through school now he left biting the bullet cause he loves his brother. You should have a career so you mite be making more money then he was when you went through school. No person should ever have to decide between there brother and wife that's just not right. Long term this woman was not willing to stick through sickness and health good and bad. Just what she wants unfortunately I do see this is just marriage I'm going to get what I need out of you and if not I'm divorce. She got what she wanted. Fine go get job and go to school part time you do not need her.
M.D. Friedman 3 years ago
When I got married, my Sister in Law had my Father in Law's power of attorney. And she was making a mess of it. My wife's grandmother asked me to intervene. I hired attorney and got the P.O.A. to my wife. She has a step brother who is 13 years younger. He was fifteen when we married. We were well prepared to give him a room in the house he grew up in. Instead, my Sister in law had a friend who was she was quite close to. Her daughter was my brother in laws girl friend. They eventually got married...
lenka 3 years ago
They are both arseholes and this is a prime example of making sure you share fundamental values with your partner. If they shared values the Husband would reduce his study hours and get a part time job to contribute to finances and care for his brother., and the wife, who has a four year start on her career and some savings BECAUSE of the husband should have stepped up and supported her man. Instead she has now abandoned him with $3.5k and a little brother. So much for better or worse - lucky they never took the vow. I really feel for the kid :(
Tris Hunt 3 years ago
Do you realize that he won't get custody of his brother because he has no job? And they're not even married, it's her money that has paid for basically everything in that relationship. He only contributed when she was in school, and because it was med school, that alone takes a lot of time and money, most of which was probably her own.
Load More Replies... Wes 3 years ago
Seems like they are both needing some growing up. All her math does is show how shallow her love and commitment is to her fiancé. If she is using math she could have took into account the value of 4 years of her fiancé's life that he gave up so she could go to school first and now she has a good job, thanks to his willingness to let her go first, and she is set for life. To think all she owed him was a few thousand by leaving him even after paying for the funeral when she is leaving him to care for his brother, while he is still uneducated and unable to get a decent job is pretty cruel. She was right to call his bluff for sure, and he is being unrealistic in not realizing he is going to have to go part time on his schooling to make ends meet, bu her unwillingness to accept his apology and work something out seems to make clear she was never really that committed to him or grateful for the sacrifice he made to get her on her feet financially. Sad story, hope it all works out for the boy
Silence Dogood 3 years ago
I agree. I'll also add that he's probably not thinking clearly and not totally himself right now. We can't judge him by his ultimatum because he is going through a lot of mental trauma. And there may be some details she's conveniently leaving out as well.
Load More Replies... Angie Cunningham 3 years ago
I don't know, she did say she'd take him, if his brother got a job. In my opinion, school or not, he should have a job any way. At first I thought she was the AH to, until I read all she wanted was the brother to get a job and help out, which Is completely understandable to me. Hell a part time job is 20 hours a week. If a man that young can't handle that, he isn't mature enough to be getting married in on the first place.
Load More Replies... Kristi Northcutt 3 years ago (edited)
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Load More Replies... Ashley Kay 3 years ago
Someone didn't pay attention. She acknowledged that he paid for her school, for 4 years. He was going to school to be a doctor. Unless things have changed, that's 8 years. In the end, she was putting him through school and paying for his parents funeral. The guy got an added 3,500. All she added was that she didn't want kids, she didn't reject his brother. OP just told him to get a part time job so they could take care of his brother financially. He refused like a child. Oh, he also refused to get financial help.
Load More Replies... Rhia Corvalis 3 years ago
If she had the capacity, why would she ask for his help in at least getting a part-time job? Unless, I don't know, she didn't?
Load More Replies... Tris Hunt 3 years ago
Sometimes one has to care about money. Because without it, they'd be in trouble. She is the only one financially supporting herself and the douchebag of a fiance. He's not willing to help out. He needs to grow up and honestly grow a pair.
Load More Replies... Ashley Kay 3 years ago
OP was using common sense. She knew her limits and told her ex-fiance her concerns. He ignored her concerns and regurgitated the bs that he did for her. Grief is NOT an excuse to be an AH or to get away with c**p.
Load More Replies... BoopBoop 3 years ago
It's also b******t. It only cost him $300 a month to support her for 4 years? For food, medical care, housing, transportation, and entertainment? How does that work?
Load More Replies... rabbitsrabbit 3 years ago
1 - she was willing to pay him back for the years he supported her 2 - the help he needs from her is not just financial, its taking care of a child, a huge responsibility when she has been clear she isnt interested in parenthood 3 - she was willing to compromise if BF takes a part-time job at the very least but he wasn't willing to even though he was the one who wanted to take the kid in. Wheres the sense of responsibility? 4 - it sucks for the kid. But they are not 'family' since OP isn't married to BF. Most importantly, its not like the child has no alternative. His aunt IS family and while not the most ideal childhood, his basic needs (food, shelter, etc) will be met.
Load More Replies... Chris berkley 3 years ago
God help her patients? Seriously, go wander into traffic and stare straight into the son. Passing judgement just because she stood her ground, she didnt even say no she just said he had to get a job and he isnt willing to do that. But seriously take my traffic suggestion to heart, o
Load More Replies... PotatoPanda 3 years ago
I'm going to clarify this isn't an argument I'm just explaining something, sometimes people can't handle being a parent, why would you give time to someone you don't care about, and them knowing you don't care about them can harm them psychologically, it's not just about her it's also about not damaging the child later in life.
Load More Replies... Chris berkley 3 years ago
Evil, seriously, she doesn't want to be a parent and she cant afford too, it's not her family, she will have a lonely life??????she will prolly live a good life without the financial instability of becoming a parent when she didnt want too, you know what is evil though, judging people and deeming them less then just because they dont adhere to your beliefs or "moral" way of life.
Load More Replies... Tamra 3 years ago
I'm boggled at everyone blaming her. She literally said the boy could live with them, if only the boyfriend would get a job, which he refused. Sorry, but being a parent means putting your desires on hold sometimes, which she was willing to do, but the BF was not. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she's automatically required to care for a child. The only a*****e here is the BF.
Load More Replies... Tamra 3 years ago
Are people unable to comprehend what they're reading? She offered to take the child in - even though she has no desire to be a parent. Even though she's spent 10K in funeral expenses for his family. The only thing she asked was for the boyfriend to get a damn job, which he refused to do. It seems he wants her to not only fully support him, but also raise his little brother, which she rightly declined at the end. I feel sorry for the young man who lost his parents, but if his big brother was willing to grow up and make some sacrifices, he could have had a home with them.
Load More Replies... Tamra 3 years ago
Ah, I was waiting for the misogynists to come out. Some men are so threatened by a woman who knows what she wants, especially if that includes having a career, or no kids, or even self respect. Just admit that a strong woman scares you. This woman offered to take this child in IF her boyfriend would be willing to help by getting a job which, by the way, is the bare minimum he should be willing to do. If anyone in this story is focused solely on their own desires, it's the boyfriend.
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