“I [Won’t] Subject My Wife To This Abusive Trainwreck”: Man Skips Sister’s Wedding, Citing Her Rage
While there are various things that might trigger disagreements between siblings, based on this man’s story, a family name might be one such thing. According to sociologists, surnames tend to root the individual in a kin network, and even though surnaming practices traditionally are governed by patrilineal cultural rules, an individual isn’t legally obligated to follow them. Needless to say, even when holding different opinions than another family member about this specific custom, staying respectful and dealing with them directly might help to preserve a relationship with them.
Contrary to this Redditor’s sister, who chose to express her disagreement with her brother’s new surname by insulting his wife, which naturally only resulted in the man blocking his sister and declining her wedding invitation.
More info: Reddit
A sister’s wedding invitation was only addressed to the man using his old surname and not his wife’s, so he ended up not going
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Image credits: Pexels (not the actual photo)
After his wedding, the man took his wife’s surname, because it was easier to pronounce
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Everyone liked the change, except the man’s sister, who called the man’s wife abusive
![“I [Won't] Subject My Wife To This Abusive Trainwreck”: Man Skips Sister’s Wedding, Citing Her Rage](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/2-72.jpg "“I [Won't] Subject My Wife To This Abusive Trainwreck”: Man Skips Sister’s Wedding, Citing Her Rage")
Image credits: Leeloo Thefirst (not the actual photo)
The sister eventually sent an invitation to her wedding to her brother with no mention of his wife
A man brought his disagreement with his sister, which started after he chose to take his wife’s surname, to the Reddit community online and asked if he was a jerk to decline his sister’s wedding invitation.
The man changed his surname because of practical reasons – his surname was hard to pronounce, while his wife’s was a word. Something along the lines of “Jessica Rabbit” or “Grace Slick”. Even the man’s colleagues thought it was a good idea, commenting it to be “much easier” and “good call”.
However, the man’s sister was furious. She reacted to the news by screaming and calling the man’s wife an “emasculating abusive b****,” threatening to call the man “Mrs.” and not invite the man’s wife to her wedding.
After a few months of silence, the man received the wedding invitation, but it was only addressed to him using his old surname, with no mention of his wife. The man told his sister that they would only attend if she apologized to his wife, and after she didn’t, the man refused to go, disappointing the rest of the family.
The man agreed to attend his sister’s wedding if she apologized to his wife
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Image credits: Clem Onojeghuo (not the actual photo)
The man’s sister refused to apologize to his wife, so he declined the wedding invitation
In their article Understanding Tradition: Marital Name Change, three scholars were researching marital surname practices in specific Western countries and raised the question of how the phenomenon of the majority of women choosing to take their husband’s surname after marriage (for example in Britain it was 89% of married women in 2016) as well as those couples who chose differently are to be understood today.
They analyzed the data from Britain and Norway respondents and pointed out the problems of seeing the change in practices only as detraditionalization – the progressive disappearance of tradition, noting that people, when faced with some new situation or problem, tend to adapt what they already know, or what is easily available, to find a certain solution.
However, using tradition doesn’t make it unthinking or uncritical, as certain parts of it can be examined and may be changed or abandoned. Scholars suggest that people use tradition in various ways when adapting to new situations and specific circumstances that emerge. Therefore, they suggest understanding the discussed marital surname practices to be neither purely new nor traditional, but a combination of the two.
Coming back to the original poster’s story, the community judged not the man, but his sister to be a jerk in this situation.
What’s your take on the situation? Have you experienced family conflicts about surnames? Share your thoughts in the comment section.
Redditors shared their takes on the situation
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That is what my son does with any cards or invitations relatives send that address him by the (female) name he was given at birth but has not used in the 8 years since his transition. He sends it back marked "No Such Person at This Address."
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I also feel sorry for her husband to be. He is marrying the devil and his life will be hell. I thing that somebody must warn him.
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I will never understand why people are okay with short girls acting like raging demons from hell. We had one at uni and frankly, if anyone else had done it, the police would have been involved. I'm pretty tall, almost as tall as the average man in my country so I do stand out a lot compared to other girls. I was literally assaulted by one of these garden gnomes in middle school yet somehow it was my fault and I should be ok with it since I'm so big. We wanted equality, right? So how about equal responsibility as well? Aggressive behaviour should be treated the same way regardless of the gender of the perpetrator.
Not nearly to the same degree, but I experienced a little of this: I didn't change my name when I got married. Husband was very supportive of it. He comes from a large family where there were already grandkids (we didn't plan to nor do we have kids) so it shouldn't have been an issue. But for several years they would continue to introduce me as Mrs. Hislastname or send us invites to Mr. & Mrs. Hislastname and constantly asking when we were going to be pregnant. I wish I had stood up to them decisively like OP, but I just corrected in person, in writing, and never let on I was as upset as I was. It did eventually die down, but 25 years later when I did change my name to his for sentimental reasons I won't detail here, they apparently came up with many ugly excuses as to why I had done that. Funny thing, my husband who had never really cared was quite touched by my decision and went with me to file the paperwork. So I applaud OP for standing up for their decision!
Some of my husband’s relatives send us things addressed to “[his full name] and family”. It’s just the two of us.
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“Miss your sister’s big day”. No worries. She’ll be having another wedding, or two or three, on down the line. Bro might even come to one of her other weddings, if there’s going to be good food and an open bar.
Why so people feel they have a right to an 'opinion' in someone else's life? It does not impact sister. Doesn't put anyone at risk, harm anyone, etc.
Sister has a right to her opinion that OP's wife is a bich. OP and his wife also have a right to their opinion that sister is a bich. No contact. Problem solved!
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“Can’t be held accountable because planning a wedding is stressful” might be one of the worst excuses ever!
Especially as she has been like that long before there was any likelyhood of her expecting to marry.
Load More Replies... I got an invitation to a cousin's wedding addressed to "Miss (Maiden Name) and Guest". It's because they were too lazy to look up my husband's name. It would have involved a) calling myself or my mother or b) looking at facebook. We had been married for 9 years. Just lazy/trashy.
Sister needs to realise it's not the 1950s, and that there's a difference between voicing your opinion and forcing your opinion, she is obviously doing the latter. I think OP should go low contact - and I say low because he should send her and her husband a Christmas card every year and use his sister's maiden name.
It's not like the sister actually cares whether he's there or not, she's annoyed she can't decide where he is. I don't see the question, everybody knows nothing good will come from going so OP and wife don't want to go; sister didn't care to come to his, so where's the argument? Let's just hope she doesn't get kids, all the rest can be disentagled.
As Elvis sang 🎶 Return to Sender, address Unknown. No such number, no such Zone🎶
Why don't we take the mothers last name? Until in vitro there was no question who was the babies mom. It just makes more sense.
Rhetorical question? The one word answer is "patriarchy".
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105 lbs soaked and wet !! Hell, she's a human enraged chihuahua... lol
Chihuahua's account for a surprisingly high percentage of dog attacks, because people overlook the warning signs due to their size. Sounds like sister could also have used some time housetrained as a child 😂
I was thinking that too. An unfortunate number (not all ofc) of small dog keepers don't properly train their dogs because "they're so small, how much damage could they do?" Same BS logic behind letting this petite bridezilla run rampant her whole life... The answer is "too much." Too much damage, as evidenced in this post. A family basically broke up.
Load More Replies... NTA. So she doesn’t come to your wedding, calls you and your wife all kind of names and people think you are wrong????? You should take stock in what you get from that relationship. Sister or not, you may need to go NC for your own mental health. (She does need some kind of therapy)
Perhaps OP should talk to sister's future husband about her lifelong misbehaviour, so he knows what he will have to deal with.
Yes, you did give an ultimatum and you are punishing her for her opinion. And congratulations on both counts. Your mother has allowed this sort of behavior to be hard-coded into your sister, and there will be no change. You might as well cut your losses right now.
I love the response that said, "Maybe he can go to her future weddings." Genius!
If the rest of the family wants to b subjected to all that, they can b. But don't even THINK to begin telling me that I HAVE to!
She told him to f.u.c.k off and so he did, and now she is pissed? If it was a really small wedding ensemble, (think less than 10 people and a far away location) there might be practical/economic reasons for not inviting the wife, but as it does not sound like it was the case, it is a huge faux pas to only invite him and not her. She may be stressed out by the planning, but that should only excuse honest mistakes, not delibrately malicious acts. He might be giving her an altimatum (by her definition) but that is only because what she have planned is not a working solution either, and to quite frank, I think that what will be best for him is not to attend the wedding. that sister is twisting and turning everything to her own advantage and trying to portray him as the bad guy in this when she cannot have it her way but have to give a bit. She is not just having an opinion, as that would be fine, she is also taking some really harmfull actiong based on that opinion and that is the problem.
I really don't get why people can't say no and leave it at that. "No I won't be attending the wedding", without all the only if you apologize. Or, sister saying "ok, thanks for the rsvp. Catch up sometime." And leave it at that... simple
NTA - the sister is the a....s, block her out of your life and you will be happier. We do not need every family member in our lives to feel good about ourselves. Be as selective with your relatives as you are with your friends. After all blood relation is just a weird gene pool lottery we have no influence on.
Maybe your sister should keep her name for herself and future kids if she's worried about the family name.
NTA. who cares why you changed your last name, your choice. and it doesn't sound like you are close. better not to go.
I love that the husband stood up for his wife. I hate reading about abusive in-laws and the spouse who will not stand up to them. My sister-in-law whom I have never met in person tried to accuse me of being abusive. This was only because I had to tell her that she needed to stop contacting my wife just for money. At the time my wife was not working, and I was glad to help her sister financially when I could. But it got out of hand and she only contacted her when she needed money, and they had not even seen each other in 20+ years. The response I got back from her sister was that I was holding her wife hostage and that I was living the life she deserved to live and Trump would be president and take care of people like me (I am black). That I am preventing them from building a relationship and blah blah blah nonsense to make herself feel better. My wife cut off all contact with her and of course, I was blamed for that also. Awesome husband for having her back, as it should be.
She unloaded the whole bucket of "stupid insults that don't make sense if you think about them for more then seven seconds."
you don't need seven seconds. The alarm bells starts ringing emidiately after you have reached the end of those sentences. It is classic blameshifting, so she can feel good about herself despite taking some awfull actions.
Load More Replies... Actually sounds like there were independent and previous issues between the sister and the wife, and just because the poster says the sister is always angry doesn't mean that she is as people who post for clout will always spin their story to their own advantage. That said, even in the best of scenarios, the sister deadnamed the poster and ignored the wife on the invitation which is pretty much the only nail a coffin would need for me if I were him. He was right to defend his wife at least in that regard and even 'die on that hill.' Also, as a woman who cut off her abusive family and changed her surname to something that only I have, men interested in me have joked that if we married, they would want to take my 'cool' surname instead of their own. Nothing wrong or emasculating about that; actually, it seems more empowering for a man to say, 'hey, I ain't gonna follow society's dictates and I'm going to do life MY way.'
It's definitely a big deal changing a name...all the paper work involved....
That is what my son does with any cards or invitations relatives send that address him by the (female) name he was given at birth but has not used in the 8 years since his transition. He sends it back marked "No Such Person at This Address."
Load More Replies... I also feel sorry for her husband to be. He is marrying the devil and his life will be hell. I thing that somebody must warn him.
Load More Replies... I will never understand why people are okay with short girls acting like raging demons from hell. We had one at uni and frankly, if anyone else had done it, the police would have been involved. I'm pretty tall, almost as tall as the average man in my country so I do stand out a lot compared to other girls. I was literally assaulted by one of these garden gnomes in middle school yet somehow it was my fault and I should be ok with it since I'm so big. We wanted equality, right? So how about equal responsibility as well? Aggressive behaviour should be treated the same way regardless of the gender of the perpetrator.
Not nearly to the same degree, but I experienced a little of this: I didn't change my name when I got married. Husband was very supportive of it. He comes from a large family where there were already grandkids (we didn't plan to nor do we have kids) so it shouldn't have been an issue. But for several years they would continue to introduce me as Mrs. Hislastname or send us invites to Mr. & Mrs. Hislastname and constantly asking when we were going to be pregnant. I wish I had stood up to them decisively like OP, but I just corrected in person, in writing, and never let on I was as upset as I was. It did eventually die down, but 25 years later when I did change my name to his for sentimental reasons I won't detail here, they apparently came up with many ugly excuses as to why I had done that. Funny thing, my husband who had never really cared was quite touched by my decision and went with me to file the paperwork. So I applaud OP for standing up for their decision!
Some of my husband’s relatives send us things addressed to “[his full name] and family”. It’s just the two of us.
Load More Replies... “Miss your sister’s big day”. No worries. She’ll be having another wedding, or two or three, on down the line. Bro might even come to one of her other weddings, if there’s going to be good food and an open bar.
Why so people feel they have a right to an 'opinion' in someone else's life? It does not impact sister. Doesn't put anyone at risk, harm anyone, etc.
Sister has a right to her opinion that OP's wife is a bich. OP and his wife also have a right to their opinion that sister is a bich. No contact. Problem solved!
Load More Replies... “Can’t be held accountable because planning a wedding is stressful” might be one of the worst excuses ever!
Especially as she has been like that long before there was any likelyhood of her expecting to marry.
Load More Replies... I got an invitation to a cousin's wedding addressed to "Miss (Maiden Name) and Guest". It's because they were too lazy to look up my husband's name. It would have involved a) calling myself or my mother or b) looking at facebook. We had been married for 9 years. Just lazy/trashy.
Sister needs to realise it's not the 1950s, and that there's a difference between voicing your opinion and forcing your opinion, she is obviously doing the latter. I think OP should go low contact - and I say low because he should send her and her husband a Christmas card every year and use his sister's maiden name.
It's not like the sister actually cares whether he's there or not, she's annoyed she can't decide where he is. I don't see the question, everybody knows nothing good will come from going so OP and wife don't want to go; sister didn't care to come to his, so where's the argument? Let's just hope she doesn't get kids, all the rest can be disentagled.
As Elvis sang 🎶 Return to Sender, address Unknown. No such number, no such Zone🎶
Why don't we take the mothers last name? Until in vitro there was no question who was the babies mom. It just makes more sense.
Rhetorical question? The one word answer is "patriarchy".
Load More Replies... 105 lbs soaked and wet !! Hell, she's a human enraged chihuahua... lol
Chihuahua's account for a surprisingly high percentage of dog attacks, because people overlook the warning signs due to their size. Sounds like sister could also have used some time housetrained as a child 😂
I was thinking that too. An unfortunate number (not all ofc) of small dog keepers don't properly train their dogs because "they're so small, how much damage could they do?" Same BS logic behind letting this petite bridezilla run rampant her whole life... The answer is "too much." Too much damage, as evidenced in this post. A family basically broke up.
Load More Replies... NTA. So she doesn’t come to your wedding, calls you and your wife all kind of names and people think you are wrong????? You should take stock in what you get from that relationship. Sister or not, you may need to go NC for your own mental health. (She does need some kind of therapy)
Perhaps OP should talk to sister's future husband about her lifelong misbehaviour, so he knows what he will have to deal with.
Yes, you did give an ultimatum and you are punishing her for her opinion. And congratulations on both counts. Your mother has allowed this sort of behavior to be hard-coded into your sister, and there will be no change. You might as well cut your losses right now.
I love the response that said, "Maybe he can go to her future weddings." Genius!
If the rest of the family wants to b subjected to all that, they can b. But don't even THINK to begin telling me that I HAVE to!
She told him to f.u.c.k off and so he did, and now she is pissed? If it was a really small wedding ensemble, (think less than 10 people and a far away location) there might be practical/economic reasons for not inviting the wife, but as it does not sound like it was the case, it is a huge faux pas to only invite him and not her. She may be stressed out by the planning, but that should only excuse honest mistakes, not delibrately malicious acts. He might be giving her an altimatum (by her definition) but that is only because what she have planned is not a working solution either, and to quite frank, I think that what will be best for him is not to attend the wedding. that sister is twisting and turning everything to her own advantage and trying to portray him as the bad guy in this when she cannot have it her way but have to give a bit. She is not just having an opinion, as that would be fine, she is also taking some really harmfull actiong based on that opinion and that is the problem.
I really don't get why people can't say no and leave it at that. "No I won't be attending the wedding", without all the only if you apologize. Or, sister saying "ok, thanks for the rsvp. Catch up sometime." And leave it at that... simple
NTA - the sister is the a....s, block her out of your life and you will be happier. We do not need every family member in our lives to feel good about ourselves. Be as selective with your relatives as you are with your friends. After all blood relation is just a weird gene pool lottery we have no influence on.
Maybe your sister should keep her name for herself and future kids if she's worried about the family name.
NTA. who cares why you changed your last name, your choice. and it doesn't sound like you are close. better not to go.
I love that the husband stood up for his wife. I hate reading about abusive in-laws and the spouse who will not stand up to them. My sister-in-law whom I have never met in person tried to accuse me of being abusive. This was only because I had to tell her that she needed to stop contacting my wife just for money. At the time my wife was not working, and I was glad to help her sister financially when I could. But it got out of hand and she only contacted her when she needed money, and they had not even seen each other in 20+ years. The response I got back from her sister was that I was holding her wife hostage and that I was living the life she deserved to live and Trump would be president and take care of people like me (I am black). That I am preventing them from building a relationship and blah blah blah nonsense to make herself feel better. My wife cut off all contact with her and of course, I was blamed for that also. Awesome husband for having her back, as it should be.
She unloaded the whole bucket of "stupid insults that don't make sense if you think about them for more then seven seconds."
you don't need seven seconds. The alarm bells starts ringing emidiately after you have reached the end of those sentences. It is classic blameshifting, so she can feel good about herself despite taking some awfull actions.
Load More Replies... Actually sounds like there were independent and previous issues between the sister and the wife, and just because the poster says the sister is always angry doesn't mean that she is as people who post for clout will always spin their story to their own advantage. That said, even in the best of scenarios, the sister deadnamed the poster and ignored the wife on the invitation which is pretty much the only nail a coffin would need for me if I were him. He was right to defend his wife at least in that regard and even 'die on that hill.' Also, as a woman who cut off her abusive family and changed her surname to something that only I have, men interested in me have joked that if we married, they would want to take my 'cool' surname instead of their own. Nothing wrong or emasculating about that; actually, it seems more empowering for a man to say, 'hey, I ain't gonna follow society's dictates and I'm going to do life MY way.'
It's definitely a big deal changing a name...all the paper work involved....
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