“My Stepmom Is Two Hours Older Than Me”: 30 Wild Family Stories That Sound Made Up

You'll notice a pattern as you read through the entries on this list that most stories involve parents or stepparents. Our mothers and fathers are our first contact when it comes to experiencing love. The ways in which they show us that love or lack thereof often shapes us for life.

However, Melbourne-based psychotherapist Amanda Robins cautions against generalizing all bad parents as 'toxic'. "Most parents are well-meaning," she believes. "However, as a broad generalisation I would say that parents need to have the ability (and the capacity) to empathise with their child."

'Toxic' parents or parents who are 'not good enough' are on the whole unable to 'attune' to their child," Robins explains. "They are either too self-focused, too distracted, too stressed, or too traumatised themselves to be in the moment with their child and to keep the child’s mind in mind."

For these types of parents, their relationship with their children is often a quid pro quo. "Narcissistic parents generally need something from their children rather than allowing the child to be safely dependent on them," Robins notes. This can come in forms of wanting the child to behave in ways that reflects well on the parents to maintain their image as 'good parents'. Other times, they want love, affection, and attention from their children so they can feel powerful.

Children who have toxic parents can often grow up to be people pleasers. They think that someone will love them only if they are serving someone else's needs. "Adults who have experienced this kind of parenting become people pleasers an sometimes compulsive caregivers expecting very little from relationships," Robins adds.

Robins goes through some hints that might point to whether an adult grew up with 'not good enough' parents. She says that a lack of boundaries is one the tell-tale signs. Some parents don't allow their children privacy or don't shield them from adult fears and problems. "[They] will discuss intimate details of their marital relationship with their children, expecting the child to provide empathy and a sympathetic ear," Robins points out.

Robins says that parentification is another sign of having 'not good enough' parents. Having too much responsibility, such as parenting your younger siblings, can result in dysfunctional relationships as an adult. Other dysfunctional parents use triangulation. As a strategy to get back at their spouse, they co-opt the child to side with them against the other parent.

Toxic parents often guilt their children for not doing things their way. According to Robins, shame and shaming becomes a parenting strategy for these types of parents. "They will make the child feel guilty for having needs that aren't aligned with their own," she says. And they don't work to repair that relationship, either. Instead of talking things out, they use ' silent treatment' and expect the child to find out what they did wrong for themselves.

Robins explains that this guilt and shame contribute to why children of toxic parents choose to cut contact with them once they grow up. They believe that the only way to manage the relationship is to leave. And, Robins says, the guilt and shame won't end after going no-contact. "The adult child will need to learn to self-soothe and stay grounded in their decision making process," she explains.

The psychotherapist lists the things people can do to soothe their feelings of guilt and responsibility after they distance themselves from toxic parents:

1. Accept that you will feel bad about this;
2. Practice self-compassion;
3. Gather understanding and empathetic people around you.

"You may experience disenfranchised grief as there is a lot of social disapproval around going no-contact," Robins shares as a reminder. "It's seen by a lot of people as 'selfish' or extreme."

Still, Robins encourages people to be brave and put themselves first. "Although you will need to take responsibility for your decision, that doesn't mean you are responsible for your parent's or your family's mental health or emotional wellbeing. Maintaining good emotional boundaries is part of a successful separation process," the psychotherapist says.