“What In The Psychological Horror?”: Woman Is Expected To Replace Late Sister As BIL’s New Wife
Interview With Expert
Losing a family member can turn your world upside down in an instant. Suddenly, you have to navigate the world shrouded in a thick cloud of grief, being expected to make rational decisions and continue on with your life while all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.
It’s completely understandable to say or do things that are a bit out of character while grieving, but one woman’s family has definitely crossed the line when it comes to what’s appropriate. Below, you’ll find a story that this woman recently posted on Reddit, detailing how she’s been told to marry her late sister’s husband, as well as a conversation with Andy Langford, clinical director at Cruse Bereavement Support.
Losing a loved one can turn your entire world upside down
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
Following her sister’s death, this woman was disgusted by her family’s suggestion to marry her brother-in-law
Image credits: voronaman111 / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Positive-Mirror3791
Later, the woman responded to readers and provided even more information on the situation
Losing a spouse can take a huge toll on a person
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk / pexels (not the actual photo)
To learn more about the toll it takes on a person to lose a spouse, we reached out to Andy Langford, clinical director at Cruse Bereavement Support. Andy was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and explain how devastating it is to lose a spouse or partner.
“There is a considerable emotional load – it’s usual to feel low in mood, anxious, angry, insecure, and to be left wondering why this has happened,” he explained. “There are also so many practical considerations. Many bereaved people in such a situation come to Cruse and talk with us about the financial strain that this leaves them in. Issues around housing are also often present.”
“Childcare or care for elderly parents are also serious issues, that are often overlooked by those who are in the wider community of the bereaved person, and so it’s vital to consider everyone who has experienced the loss,” Andy continued. “Childcare and care for other dependents can also put the bereaved person’s job at risk, if all together these considerations become unmanageable. That’s why it’s important to seek support from friends, family and our wider communities, as well as services, if need be.”
“For many of us, when we are grieving – particularly soon after the death of someone close – we can find it difficult to think clearly”
Image credits: Andrew Neel / pexels (not the actual photo)
It’s best to keep an eye on our loved ones while they grieve to ensure they’re safe and supported. “Ultimately, if after experiencing the death of someone close, the grieving person does something that is either harmful to themselves or harmful to others, then it may or may not be to do with the death itself,” Andy says. “However, whatever the situation, it is advisable to contact emergency services or another support service for support. It is important to make sure that any risk is mitigated for the benefit of all concerned.”
It’s also crucial to understand that each person’s grief experience is unique, and it can change over time. “However, for many of us, when we are grieving – particularly soon after the death of someone close – we can find it difficult to think clearly,” Andy shared. “This is because of the emotional load we often have to bear. Many bereaved people describe this as feeling like you have a ‘foggy head’ or ‘foggy brain.'”
“Grief can also affect us physically, resulting in us feeling slowed up, exhausted and either sleepy or not able to settle and sleep,” the expert says. “This, however, does not usually mean that when we grieve we are not rational. It means that when we have experienced a bereavement, we find it most helpful to be able to speak with someone we trust when we need to, and also have space when we need this as well. Both help us get the head space we need, to think more clearly.”
“All of the weight of one person’s role pressed on to someone else isn’t helpful to all concerned”
Image credits: Deesha Chandra / pexels (not the actual photo)
“Grieving doesn’t mean that we ‘act out of character.’ However it does mean that some of the emotions we tend to keep private or hold down, can come to the surface,” Andy explained. “It’s important to give someone the space to talk, cry and feel how they feel, whilst also conveying that we are there to help and support.”
When it comes to this particular situation, Andy says, “It’s not helpful to ask someone, in this way, to step into the role of the person who has died. There may be functions that the person who has died used to fulfil, that others may need to step into and support (childcare is a good example for many families who experience the death of a parent of grandparent). However, essentially trying to replace the entire role of one person with another person is not a good idea.”
“If we’ve lost someone close, we need to grieve them as a unique person,” the expert noted. “We also need to work out what life is going to be like without the presence of them around us. This means drawing people in collectively. All of the weight of one person’s role pressed on to someone else isn’t helpful to all concerned, and would probably increase the chance of diminished mental and physical wellbeing for the person being or feeling pressured.”
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. What would you do if you were in this woman’s shoes? Then, if you’re interested in checking out another Bored Panda article discussing family drama, look no further than right here.
Readers shared their concern for the woman and urged her to get out of this situation
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all of this from the mother makes more sense when you say she's mentally ill but "cured" by religion. there is no cure for scizophrenia, just maintenance to help manage it with therapy and medication. why everyone else is on board, i have no idea. but holy cow.
As a Mormon: THIS WOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED NORMAL TO ANY OF US. These people are crazy. It is NOT a religious thing. We absolutely support our family as much as we can, but not to that degree.
It would only be 'normal' in one of the cults and I'm not sure how many of the polygamy cults still exist.
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Why is a 23 year old being saddled with caring for 6 kids??? Everything about this story sounds insane. Why isn't the kids' father taking car of them?
Reading about the kids father makes me think that the kids should be anywhere but with him.
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I know this sounds harsh, but don't make yourself a hostage to the children: they will use them against you if they can. Instead, notify the proper authorities if they are in harm's way. Forget about them being family: to them you are just a replacement, not a person with her own personality, wishes and opinions. Go no contact with BIL and mother. This has such creepy overtones! Get yourself to safety and do it now!
This horrible custom existed all the way back in biblical days. Genesis 38 for example. It's appalling.
But it probably wasn't common even then, and usually had to do with inheritance. It protected the kids from being replaced by any subsequent kids by a new wife. And obviously a single dad wouldn't make a good story. Hardly anyone in Genesis or Exodus marries a partner who is more distantly related than second cousin, but it's unlikely that was standard.
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How very Henry the VIII. He married his brother's wife after his brother died. And we all know had badly that ended for poor Isabella! (No, he didn't kill her. But she got a possibly even worse deal.)
Not Isabella. Catherine of Aragon. Isabella was her mother. And at least in Henry's case, it made a sort of political sense. Catherine was married to his brother Arthur to seal a political alliance. So it made sense, that since her marriage to Arthur was never "official" (not consummated) that she should instead marry Henry. This scenario however, is just batshit.
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The only reason I don't dismiss this as made up (because it's so bizarre) is having watched my own female sibling forced into a shotgun wedding, then ending up a breeding mare for endless kids. LEAVE. NOW. Get out, get away, get a restraining order. Report all of them for mental illness.
Just curious how this would work if the deceased didn't have any sisters. Would the mother offer to step in? A brother?
It's very old testament, but thankfully in the last several thousand years we've learned that women are in fact individuals and not interchangable outfit accessories. Nearly boaked reading about the wedding dress. Gross. Unfortunately, there won't be anything OP can do to stop whatever the next replacement/substitution for mom is, but great to hear there are allies with some legal rights to the kids. Get them into therapy and get this on record in case kids need some kind of restraining order down the line.
Old Testament??? Look up an obscure guy called Henry VIII. He was Katherine of Aragon's second husband.
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Insane!!!! As an aside: 6 kids and the BIL wants more.... mind -blown. Are massive families like that still a thing, btw?!!! Wow!
Yes I'm one of 8 and my mother had 2 miscarriages so basically 10. As a big family we somehow attract big families and so the biggest family I know is 14 children (though they are all adults) 6 is a relatively normal amount among our friends families!
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This happened to my dad when his wife died. (My adoptive parents.) Her brother suggested that he date the older sister, which caused a falling out on that side of the family. My dad didn't tell us that until my brother was getting married. So much messed up stuff in my life, I am no longer surprised when things like this pop up.
This happened in my family two generations ago and the tension and ill feelings is still being felt between all the cousins. This is weird and scary.
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I mean in olden days this happened in some cultures, though it was never forced on the sister, it was requested. But I have not heard of this being practiced in over 100+ years. The theory was to give the children a mother who had a vested blood interest in them to avoid a potential "evil stepmother". You read about this in history books (and one of my 5th great grandmother was the younger sister in such a situation, though her case she consented and worked out well according to family history). But this is both ancient, outdated, and was never forced when it was done.
I don't know everything that I'd do if I were in OP's situation, but I'd start with cutting/coloring my hair, colored contact lenses, and anything short of surgery I could think of to make myself look less like my sister. What a nightmare!
Betty, it did indeed used to be a thing. It happened in my husband's family. The cast: great grandfather - Joe, Joe's wife - Annie, Annie's sister - Sarah. Annie died in childbirth, and her sister Sarah moved in to look the baby, and the children. After 4 years, Joe and Sarah decided to marry. My husband's grandfather was one of Sarah and Joe's children. However, it must be stressed, there was no co-ersion at all. Looking after Annie and Joe's children was Sarah's idea. Over time, Sarah and Joe fell in love.
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OP is 23. A child really. She also needs to realise that she has no responsibility to those children. she should get herself out of that situation and go live her own life.
23 is not a child but she still has no responsibility to these kids
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The bottom line is no one can "make" you get married. I know you want to be there for your nephews, but you need to put your own safety (and sanity) first. It sounds like the grandparents are willinig to take custody of the boys. You can still be a part of their lives and stay away from your BIL. He and your Mother both sound absolutely insane.
Run away and get a restraining order against your BIL and even your parents if need be. That is some pure psycho nonsense they are trying to pull.
This is called a sororate marriage, and it is still practiced in some cultures. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sororate_marriage#:~:text=Sororate%20is%20a%20custom%20which,with%20a%20lowered%20bride%2Dprice. But for the entire family bar the MIL trying to FORCE this on you is called sexual slavery. RUN. Forget about the nephews and R's inconvenience. This is what he gets for being vastly inappropriate.
I was wondering if the family was in a cult, but hearing that OP's mother was "cured by god" and many of the family were mormon it answers my question. If the children's father wants another wife he can go find one on his own. OP needs to get as far away from this madness as possible.
This girl needs to get a lawyer fast and if she can't look after the kids on her own then get social services involved as it sounds like the father is having a mental break of some sort and her mother is crackers. It's not safe for tge OP or the kids
Baby it's time for you to get gone cuz WTentireF! They want you to sacrifice your life and your identity to replace your deceased sister who I'm thinking wouldn't want this for you. Don't allow yourself to be trapped or guilted into an unhealthy and unstable situation.
It's the Mormon thing. I believe that is a practice of theirs in the very strict sects. Polygamy is as well. If the sister's Hubs and BIL are practicing Mormons, they've probably taken the teachings to an extreme and believe in this cr*p. I hope R's parent's can offer enough protection that you feel comfortable with staying around. Adopting the 4 mo. old would be wonderful. If I were you, and I'm extremely paranoid, I would have some system in place that R's parents always know where you are. I probably watch too much Lifetime, but I wouldn't rule out a forced marriage by kidnapping with Mom's help, and possibly even drugging you. Sounds wild, but I've heard of even weirder stuff and that was real life.
Stay--and leak it to the press and any pro-woman groups you can contact/ You can't 'just leave' as you're really got no place to go. And you can't just 'take' your nephews because you don't have legal custody. Your only choices are stay and fight or leave alone.
Wow! That is just so psychologically and mentally messed up and d**k. Her mother and those who agree with her definitely needs major therapy . My advice to the OP is to runaway from these sickos and go NC with them.
Leave, now. Now! Whatever else needs to be, you can sort out from a safe distance to them. They're out of their minds, or their minds are severely broken. But, this, no matter how you turn, twist, push, pull, stretch, condense, evaporate it - it's wrong on more levels than a wedding or marriage even is able to be able to be right in. Run, now. Leave, now. Don't return, don't look back, but make sure your Sis' MIL has as much of custody, contact, time, with your nephews as possible, so there's something else they can pick up from relatives. But, if you don't feel safe around them, you likely aren't ... trust yourself. Leave.
Unfortunately, , about 200 years ago, and especially in close families, and religious communities, it was no u common that is a spouse died, and left children that the sister of the deceased, be made to marry, and become a wife and mother to her sisters' family. Mormons were fond of this practice. Also, anyone I. A big family, that the woman lost a husband, that his brother or cousin, be made or step up to marry the widow. This way, children were not taken away from the families, there was support for the grieving spouse, now married to a new family member. In doing my DNA/ ancestry, I found this to have happened several times! A wife died, and my ancestors had a lot of sons, so the next oldest or whomever, stepped up and married their sister-in-law. This way, the kids were still with family! I found it more in the 17-1800's, and counted 4-5 times it happened in my own history! So, though it was not unusual in the past, it is now! There are more choices for partners now, without travel
all of this from the mother makes more sense when you say she's mentally ill but "cured" by religion. there is no cure for scizophrenia, just maintenance to help manage it with therapy and medication. why everyone else is on board, i have no idea. but holy cow.
As a Mormon: THIS WOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED NORMAL TO ANY OF US. These people are crazy. It is NOT a religious thing. We absolutely support our family as much as we can, but not to that degree.
It would only be 'normal' in one of the cults and I'm not sure how many of the polygamy cults still exist.
Load More Replies... Why is a 23 year old being saddled with caring for 6 kids??? Everything about this story sounds insane. Why isn't the kids' father taking car of them?
Reading about the kids father makes me think that the kids should be anywhere but with him.
Load More Replies... I know this sounds harsh, but don't make yourself a hostage to the children: they will use them against you if they can. Instead, notify the proper authorities if they are in harm's way. Forget about them being family: to them you are just a replacement, not a person with her own personality, wishes and opinions. Go no contact with BIL and mother. This has such creepy overtones! Get yourself to safety and do it now!
This horrible custom existed all the way back in biblical days. Genesis 38 for example. It's appalling.
But it probably wasn't common even then, and usually had to do with inheritance. It protected the kids from being replaced by any subsequent kids by a new wife. And obviously a single dad wouldn't make a good story. Hardly anyone in Genesis or Exodus marries a partner who is more distantly related than second cousin, but it's unlikely that was standard.
Load More Replies... How very Henry the VIII. He married his brother's wife after his brother died. And we all know had badly that ended for poor Isabella! (No, he didn't kill her. But she got a possibly even worse deal.)
Not Isabella. Catherine of Aragon. Isabella was her mother. And at least in Henry's case, it made a sort of political sense. Catherine was married to his brother Arthur to seal a political alliance. So it made sense, that since her marriage to Arthur was never "official" (not consummated) that she should instead marry Henry. This scenario however, is just batshit.
Load More Replies... The only reason I don't dismiss this as made up (because it's so bizarre) is having watched my own female sibling forced into a shotgun wedding, then ending up a breeding mare for endless kids. LEAVE. NOW. Get out, get away, get a restraining order. Report all of them for mental illness.
Just curious how this would work if the deceased didn't have any sisters. Would the mother offer to step in? A brother?
It's very old testament, but thankfully in the last several thousand years we've learned that women are in fact individuals and not interchangable outfit accessories. Nearly boaked reading about the wedding dress. Gross. Unfortunately, there won't be anything OP can do to stop whatever the next replacement/substitution for mom is, but great to hear there are allies with some legal rights to the kids. Get them into therapy and get this on record in case kids need some kind of restraining order down the line.
Old Testament??? Look up an obscure guy called Henry VIII. He was Katherine of Aragon's second husband.
Load More Replies... Insane!!!! As an aside: 6 kids and the BIL wants more.... mind -blown. Are massive families like that still a thing, btw?!!! Wow!
Yes I'm one of 8 and my mother had 2 miscarriages so basically 10. As a big family we somehow attract big families and so the biggest family I know is 14 children (though they are all adults) 6 is a relatively normal amount among our friends families!
Load More Replies... This happened to my dad when his wife died. (My adoptive parents.) Her brother suggested that he date the older sister, which caused a falling out on that side of the family. My dad didn't tell us that until my brother was getting married. So much messed up stuff in my life, I am no longer surprised when things like this pop up.
This happened in my family two generations ago and the tension and ill feelings is still being felt between all the cousins. This is weird and scary.
Load More Replies... I mean in olden days this happened in some cultures, though it was never forced on the sister, it was requested. But I have not heard of this being practiced in over 100+ years. The theory was to give the children a mother who had a vested blood interest in them to avoid a potential "evil stepmother". You read about this in history books (and one of my 5th great grandmother was the younger sister in such a situation, though her case she consented and worked out well according to family history). But this is both ancient, outdated, and was never forced when it was done.
I don't know everything that I'd do if I were in OP's situation, but I'd start with cutting/coloring my hair, colored contact lenses, and anything short of surgery I could think of to make myself look less like my sister. What a nightmare!
Betty, it did indeed used to be a thing. It happened in my husband's family. The cast: great grandfather - Joe, Joe's wife - Annie, Annie's sister - Sarah. Annie died in childbirth, and her sister Sarah moved in to look the baby, and the children. After 4 years, Joe and Sarah decided to marry. My husband's grandfather was one of Sarah and Joe's children. However, it must be stressed, there was no co-ersion at all. Looking after Annie and Joe's children was Sarah's idea. Over time, Sarah and Joe fell in love.
Load More Replies... OP is 23. A child really. She also needs to realise that she has no responsibility to those children. she should get herself out of that situation and go live her own life.
23 is not a child but she still has no responsibility to these kids
Load More Replies... The bottom line is no one can "make" you get married. I know you want to be there for your nephews, but you need to put your own safety (and sanity) first. It sounds like the grandparents are willinig to take custody of the boys. You can still be a part of their lives and stay away from your BIL. He and your Mother both sound absolutely insane.
Run away and get a restraining order against your BIL and even your parents if need be. That is some pure psycho nonsense they are trying to pull.
This is called a sororate marriage, and it is still practiced in some cultures. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sororate_marriage#:~:text=Sororate%20is%20a%20custom%20which,with%20a%20lowered%20bride%2Dprice. But for the entire family bar the MIL trying to FORCE this on you is called sexual slavery. RUN. Forget about the nephews and R's inconvenience. This is what he gets for being vastly inappropriate.
I was wondering if the family was in a cult, but hearing that OP's mother was "cured by god" and many of the family were mormon it answers my question. If the children's father wants another wife he can go find one on his own. OP needs to get as far away from this madness as possible.
This girl needs to get a lawyer fast and if she can't look after the kids on her own then get social services involved as it sounds like the father is having a mental break of some sort and her mother is crackers. It's not safe for tge OP or the kids
Baby it's time for you to get gone cuz WTentireF! They want you to sacrifice your life and your identity to replace your deceased sister who I'm thinking wouldn't want this for you. Don't allow yourself to be trapped or guilted into an unhealthy and unstable situation.
It's the Mormon thing. I believe that is a practice of theirs in the very strict sects. Polygamy is as well. If the sister's Hubs and BIL are practicing Mormons, they've probably taken the teachings to an extreme and believe in this cr*p. I hope R's parent's can offer enough protection that you feel comfortable with staying around. Adopting the 4 mo. old would be wonderful. If I were you, and I'm extremely paranoid, I would have some system in place that R's parents always know where you are. I probably watch too much Lifetime, but I wouldn't rule out a forced marriage by kidnapping with Mom's help, and possibly even drugging you. Sounds wild, but I've heard of even weirder stuff and that was real life.
Stay--and leak it to the press and any pro-woman groups you can contact/ You can't 'just leave' as you're really got no place to go. And you can't just 'take' your nephews because you don't have legal custody. Your only choices are stay and fight or leave alone.
Wow! That is just so psychologically and mentally messed up and d**k. Her mother and those who agree with her definitely needs major therapy . My advice to the OP is to runaway from these sickos and go NC with them.
Leave, now. Now! Whatever else needs to be, you can sort out from a safe distance to them. They're out of their minds, or their minds are severely broken. But, this, no matter how you turn, twist, push, pull, stretch, condense, evaporate it - it's wrong on more levels than a wedding or marriage even is able to be able to be right in. Run, now. Leave, now. Don't return, don't look back, but make sure your Sis' MIL has as much of custody, contact, time, with your nephews as possible, so there's something else they can pick up from relatives. But, if you don't feel safe around them, you likely aren't ... trust yourself. Leave.
Unfortunately, , about 200 years ago, and especially in close families, and religious communities, it was no u common that is a spouse died, and left children that the sister of the deceased, be made to marry, and become a wife and mother to her sisters' family. Mormons were fond of this practice. Also, anyone I. A big family, that the woman lost a husband, that his brother or cousin, be made or step up to marry the widow. This way, children were not taken away from the families, there was support for the grieving spouse, now married to a new family member. In doing my DNA/ ancestry, I found this to have happened several times! A wife died, and my ancestors had a lot of sons, so the next oldest or whomever, stepped up and married their sister-in-law. This way, the kids were still with family! I found it more in the 17-1800's, and counted 4-5 times it happened in my own history! So, though it was not unusual in the past, it is now! There are more choices for partners now, without travel
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