“Should I Have Done Something?”: Coworker Shames New Mom For Not Being Productive While On Maternity Leave, Wonders If They’re Right
Raising kids takes up a ton of your time and energy. Really, it’s like a full-time job (though the benefits, aka spending time with the most adorable munchkins ever, are better than in any corporate environment). However, some of your acquaintances might not see it that way, especially if they don’t have kids themselves. In fact, some of them might low-key shame you for not doing ‘enough’ during your maternity leave, no matter how much you may have achieved.
That’s exactly what happened to one mom, who spent the past 12 months on maternity leave. She shared with all the other parents on Mumsnet how she’s now getting back to work, and her coworker made her feel guilty for not being more ‘productive’ during that time. The colleague suggested that she could have started a business or renovated her home.
Read on for the full Mumsnet post, as well as how all the other moms reacted to the story. Meanwhile, be sure to scroll down for Bored Panda’s chat about parenting and maternity leave with blogger Samantha Scroggin, from Walking Outside in Slippers.
A mom anonymously shared how she spent the past year taking care of her newborn
Image credits: Hollie Santos (not the actual photo)
However, she’s coming back to work and a coworker made her feel bad about not having been more ‘productive’ during her maternity leave
Image credits: Caroline Feelgood (not the actual photo)
The Mumsnet poster felt ashamed that she hadn’t ‘done more’ over the past year and wondered how all the other moms on Instagram manage to find the time for parenting and major projects. However, parenting is a very unique thing.
Every family’s situation is different. Keeping your kid alive, fed, and happy is what matters the most. Everything else is, all things considered, secondary and any additional achievements are a bonus. Absolutely nobody should have to feel guilty for doing their best. And nobody should believe that every Instagram parent’s life is as ‘perfect’ as it looks. Some moms find the time to work on various projects; others focus just on their kids. Both lifestyles are valid, but finding a balance between the needs of your kids and your own dreams can be rewarding as well. You’re a parent, but not just a parent.
Mom and parenting blogger Samantha, from the US, shared with Bored Panda that she took advantage of her maternity leave with her daughter “to tackle my life-long dream of becoming a writer.”
“I started up a blog, and told little jokes here and there on Twitter. Nothing major. It was a great stress release, and I felt so fulfilled finally writing like I’d always wanted to,” she told us.
“I would encourage parents to nurture their own hobbies in addition to those of their kids. Even if that means subtracting a class for your kids from the weekly schedule and adding your own. You’re a better parent when you are fulfilled and rested,” Samantha said.
The mom shared some of her thoughts on dealing with exhaustion as a new parent. “I was fortunate to have fairly easy babies, so the parenting difficulties for my husband and me definitely grew with the kids as behavior challenges and other issues arose,” she said.
“If you have someone who can help you with the kids so you can take a break now and then, even just to sleep, definitely grab onto those opportunities! Take care of yourself as best as you can. Eat well, stay hydrated, watch your favorite shows when you can. Try to hang onto your hobbies. You are a parent, but you’re not only a parent. Nurture those pre-parent aspects of yourself.”
Maternity leave can be different depending on where in the world you live. For instance, the United States doesn’t have national paid paternal leave, unlike the vast majority of countries around the globe. Very recently, Bored Panda spoke about this and why it’s vital for parents to spend plenty of time with their newborns with Labor and Delivery Nurse Holly D., from Georgia.
“Unfortunately, here in the United States, that is common, especially with lower-paying jobs. We are just recently seeing more of a trend for paternity leave. Most times it is unpaid leave of absence but it is ‘excused’ time. The amount of time off is minimal, however, the ‘work benefit’ for the paternal side is making a presence here. It still does not equate to other countries who practice this idea and most times it is not a benefit in ‘blue collar’ type jobs,” she said.
“I hate to use the word ‘benefit’ because it’s not much of a benefit to have a week or two off with a newborn, however, that’s the way employers like to portray it as part of their ‘benefit packages.’ I do believe a parent that is unable to have paternity leave with a newborn is at a disadvantage of bonding and transitioning into a new role as a parent and spouse. It causes a significant strain on both parents. If the parent is single and unable to take ‘paid paternity’ leave, it can lead to significant mental and emotional distress,” the nurse told Bored Panda.
“In the US, most internationally owned businesses have set a standard of paternal paid leave causing a new influence on the US-owned businesses to follow suit. The older generations here in the US have always practiced in an older model where the paternal figure works and the maternal figure stays home to care for family,” she explained how the American approach to paternal leave is slowly shifting.
“However, in the new family model, everyone is working and contributing financially and the need for paid paternity leave is more necessary than ever. Lower paying jobs still tend to follow the old model of no paid paternity leave, but my hope is the influence of internationally owned businesses helps drive the practice of standard paid paternity leave.”
According to nurse Holly, it’s essential for new parents to spend quality time with their babies. “It is necessary that the time is not rushed. Everyone is different in how much time is required to take off. I feel that it can be absolutely beneficial to relationships with the newborn and spouses/significant others to partake in the PAID time off. As well as their mental health in the transition into a major life event,” she said.
“I don’t know if there is a ‘right amount’ of time [to spend together], however, I have personally seen some of our neighboring paid paternity leave practices and I am envious.”
Here’s how some other moms responded on Mumsnet
Meanwhile, here’s what some social media users thought
This week on "Social Media is a crock of unrealistic horsesh1t that ruins people's lives"... Seriously, everyone needs to get used to treating social media, especially Instagram and TikTok as FICTION. Entertaining fiction maybe, but it's so heavily curated by the creator to show their *best* elements of life and has absolutely no resemblance to reality.
Yes exactly! And the pressure to be perfect is driving some teens to the brink of suicide.
Load More Replies...I sincerely doubt that the person making that comment has kids. Regardless, it is nobody's business what how you spend your personal time when it comes to...well anything. The real issue here is allowing social media and/ some other persons values to make you feel bad. When it comes to maternity leave, you have obligation to your kid(s) and to yourself. Period. You don't need to make excuses or justify your actions.
My niece got a whole bunch of home projects done and had an active social life during her matleave. But her placid baby sleep 10 hours through the night plus two good naps. My other niece’s baby was colicky and slept fitfully. My niece didn’t sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time for nearly a year and could barely shower. Sleep deprivation is awful. It really depends on your circumstances.
Honestly, every time (3 kids) when I went back to work after being on parental leave (little over a year with each kid) I felt like I could finally relax again. Small things. At work you can go to the bathroom alone and you can let go of some of that constant inner stress that often comes with having young kids (when your ears hear everything and you are constantly on call). You can finally hear yourself think again. And you have co-workers instead of being trapped in your own adult mind around kids. I would NEVER expect anyone to be "productive" while doing something that's more stressful than the thing you are on leave from (work) to do. Sounds absurd to me. Yes, it's wonderful and magic to be home with your kids too, like when you get to plan days just for you and everyone play together or when you all nap together but the majority of it is hard work as it is.
There are a number of reasons for maternity leave. It is to allow your body time to recover after all of the hormonal and physiological changes of pregnancy and birth. It is to allow key bonding between parent and baby. It is to allow the parent to get some rest - looking after a newborn is so unbelievably tiring - if you also try to work you will be beyond exhausted and make so many mistakes.
It is also not a competition. Different people can cope with different things - some people seem to thrive on managing a handful of children and others might struggle with one. The children vary, our abilities vary. We can only ever try to do our best.
Load More Replies...OP you created a whole new human being! Your work colleague can go fock herself.
It's called "Maternity Leave" not "General Leave". It's right there in the name. Leave for becoming a mother. To bond with your baby, learn how to care for it, ensure there is nothing wrong physically or mentally with both the baby AND the mother. Carrying a child around for 9 months is a huge thing. It's exhausting. You don't magically recover the day after you give birth. It takes time. Especially if there were complications, but also just normally too. A birth with no complications can still leave the mother exhausted and needing to recover from tears, stitches, etc. Then your hormones have to get back into order after being weird for months. Your body has to adjust. This all takes time.
DONT YOU DARE!!! You brought a life into this world, cared, nurtured and loved your baby. And that is MORE than enough. Tell them to f*ck.ofd
Did you spend time with the baby? then you did EXACTLY what you are suppose to do. it is a time to bond and love your baby... not to ignore them so you can "grow". If you want to improve yourself, do it before you decide to volunteer to raising the best person you can.... Just my opinion
Good grief - it's mat leave, not a vacation! As for looking at Instagram and comparing oneself to the influencers on there - gods no! If what you're looking at generates negative emotion, it's not inspiration, it's a guilt trip. And that's one trip where you WANT your baggage to get lost! :)
Were this the typical US maternity leave of 9 weeks, then yes, this coworker would be insane to expect the OP do anything but survive. But she was off for an entire YEAR, and it was the second time she'd done so, so thinking she might have picked up a new hobby or something once the kid began to sleep through the night and go to daycare 3 days a week is not the egregious overstep we're pretending it is.
My first was an easy baby and we did a lot of social-type things while I was off with him (12 month leave). My second was also an easy baby, and the first was in full time daycare, so I started working on getting a certification for work during nap times...then the pandemic hit and my older son was home with us and the rest of my leave was spent trying to entertain them both while maintaining my house and sanity. Was it personally productive? No. But that's not the point of mat leave. You're supposed to prioritize the baby, then your health...then decide how you want to spend any extra time you may have. And some days that time is spent doing a project, some days it's spent in front of the TV with a bag of cookies.
op should've said she was working on a project called "nonya" as in "none of ya f****n business"
Seriously, sometimes other moms are a mom's worst enemy. It's not a competition.
Hahaha. Just wait until you’re 57, kids are grown, and you truly DGAF what other people don’t think. The feeling is indescribable!
If only people could stop comparing themselves with others in this way. Maternity leave is for a mom to do what she wants with. It could be focusing on bonding with the new baby, focusing on healing her body after the trauma of giving birth or anything she wants. It is no one’s business what someone else does with their time off. So rude of that coworker to even ask
The ONLY time I got around to do anything out of the ordinary when I was on maternity leave with my twins, was when the twins were slowly getting settled into day care at 12 months and I had the first childfree hours since their birth, but didn't have to work yet. I made them each two dresses in two weeks. Now they're 19 months old, I'm working full time, and it took me two months to complete my stepdaughter's dress for her birthday, and I only got that done by sewing up until 11pm and getting even less sleep than I usually do.
Garsh dang it! You are enough and you did enough just existing on this wonderful planet with awful people who think everyone has to prove something just to live. You're more than enough and do enough every single day, and don't let anyone tell you diff or make you feel unworthy. This is for anyone who needs to hear it, you are so enough and you're cared about and valued for all that you do. (。♡‿♡。) ༼ つ ◕‿◕ ༽つ(◕ᴗ◕✿)
Well that's dumb of you. I don't think anyone in the US gets 12 months. So maybe don't assume that if a person is an a*****e, they must be American.
Load More Replies...This week on "Social Media is a crock of unrealistic horsesh1t that ruins people's lives"... Seriously, everyone needs to get used to treating social media, especially Instagram and TikTok as FICTION. Entertaining fiction maybe, but it's so heavily curated by the creator to show their *best* elements of life and has absolutely no resemblance to reality.
Yes exactly! And the pressure to be perfect is driving some teens to the brink of suicide.
Load More Replies...I sincerely doubt that the person making that comment has kids. Regardless, it is nobody's business what how you spend your personal time when it comes to...well anything. The real issue here is allowing social media and/ some other persons values to make you feel bad. When it comes to maternity leave, you have obligation to your kid(s) and to yourself. Period. You don't need to make excuses or justify your actions.
My niece got a whole bunch of home projects done and had an active social life during her matleave. But her placid baby sleep 10 hours through the night plus two good naps. My other niece’s baby was colicky and slept fitfully. My niece didn’t sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time for nearly a year and could barely shower. Sleep deprivation is awful. It really depends on your circumstances.
Honestly, every time (3 kids) when I went back to work after being on parental leave (little over a year with each kid) I felt like I could finally relax again. Small things. At work you can go to the bathroom alone and you can let go of some of that constant inner stress that often comes with having young kids (when your ears hear everything and you are constantly on call). You can finally hear yourself think again. And you have co-workers instead of being trapped in your own adult mind around kids. I would NEVER expect anyone to be "productive" while doing something that's more stressful than the thing you are on leave from (work) to do. Sounds absurd to me. Yes, it's wonderful and magic to be home with your kids too, like when you get to plan days just for you and everyone play together or when you all nap together but the majority of it is hard work as it is.
There are a number of reasons for maternity leave. It is to allow your body time to recover after all of the hormonal and physiological changes of pregnancy and birth. It is to allow key bonding between parent and baby. It is to allow the parent to get some rest - looking after a newborn is so unbelievably tiring - if you also try to work you will be beyond exhausted and make so many mistakes.
It is also not a competition. Different people can cope with different things - some people seem to thrive on managing a handful of children and others might struggle with one. The children vary, our abilities vary. We can only ever try to do our best.
Load More Replies...OP you created a whole new human being! Your work colleague can go fock herself.
It's called "Maternity Leave" not "General Leave". It's right there in the name. Leave for becoming a mother. To bond with your baby, learn how to care for it, ensure there is nothing wrong physically or mentally with both the baby AND the mother. Carrying a child around for 9 months is a huge thing. It's exhausting. You don't magically recover the day after you give birth. It takes time. Especially if there were complications, but also just normally too. A birth with no complications can still leave the mother exhausted and needing to recover from tears, stitches, etc. Then your hormones have to get back into order after being weird for months. Your body has to adjust. This all takes time.
DONT YOU DARE!!! You brought a life into this world, cared, nurtured and loved your baby. And that is MORE than enough. Tell them to f*ck.ofd
Did you spend time with the baby? then you did EXACTLY what you are suppose to do. it is a time to bond and love your baby... not to ignore them so you can "grow". If you want to improve yourself, do it before you decide to volunteer to raising the best person you can.... Just my opinion
Good grief - it's mat leave, not a vacation! As for looking at Instagram and comparing oneself to the influencers on there - gods no! If what you're looking at generates negative emotion, it's not inspiration, it's a guilt trip. And that's one trip where you WANT your baggage to get lost! :)
Were this the typical US maternity leave of 9 weeks, then yes, this coworker would be insane to expect the OP do anything but survive. But she was off for an entire YEAR, and it was the second time she'd done so, so thinking she might have picked up a new hobby or something once the kid began to sleep through the night and go to daycare 3 days a week is not the egregious overstep we're pretending it is.
My first was an easy baby and we did a lot of social-type things while I was off with him (12 month leave). My second was also an easy baby, and the first was in full time daycare, so I started working on getting a certification for work during nap times...then the pandemic hit and my older son was home with us and the rest of my leave was spent trying to entertain them both while maintaining my house and sanity. Was it personally productive? No. But that's not the point of mat leave. You're supposed to prioritize the baby, then your health...then decide how you want to spend any extra time you may have. And some days that time is spent doing a project, some days it's spent in front of the TV with a bag of cookies.
op should've said she was working on a project called "nonya" as in "none of ya f****n business"
Seriously, sometimes other moms are a mom's worst enemy. It's not a competition.
Hahaha. Just wait until you’re 57, kids are grown, and you truly DGAF what other people don’t think. The feeling is indescribable!
If only people could stop comparing themselves with others in this way. Maternity leave is for a mom to do what she wants with. It could be focusing on bonding with the new baby, focusing on healing her body after the trauma of giving birth or anything she wants. It is no one’s business what someone else does with their time off. So rude of that coworker to even ask
The ONLY time I got around to do anything out of the ordinary when I was on maternity leave with my twins, was when the twins were slowly getting settled into day care at 12 months and I had the first childfree hours since their birth, but didn't have to work yet. I made them each two dresses in two weeks. Now they're 19 months old, I'm working full time, and it took me two months to complete my stepdaughter's dress for her birthday, and I only got that done by sewing up until 11pm and getting even less sleep than I usually do.
Garsh dang it! You are enough and you did enough just existing on this wonderful planet with awful people who think everyone has to prove something just to live. You're more than enough and do enough every single day, and don't let anyone tell you diff or make you feel unworthy. This is for anyone who needs to hear it, you are so enough and you're cared about and valued for all that you do. (。♡‿♡。) ༼ つ ◕‿◕ ༽つ(◕ᴗ◕✿)
Well that's dumb of you. I don't think anyone in the US gets 12 months. So maybe don't assume that if a person is an a*****e, they must be American.
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