“I Don’t Feel Guilty About It”: Mom Is Expected To Pull Toddler Out Of Daycare While On Maternity Leave, But She’s Having None Of It
It’s important to learn not to judge other people before you get their entire story. Especially when it comes to parenting, a topic that pretty much everyone seems to have an opinion about. Sometimes, decisions that might initially sound a bit unusual are actually for the best once you think about them.
Redditor u/edamommy_, a mother of two, recently went viral on the r/workingmoms online community. She shared how she’s on maternity leave after giving birth to her second child, however, she and her husband decided that their first kid should continue to stay in daycare during this time. Many internet users were very supportive of this decision and pointed out that maternity leave isn’t the same as a vacation. Read on for the full story and to see what people had to say about it.
Many parents are critical of how everyone else raises their kids
Image credits: Prostock-studio (not the actual photo)
One mom shared how she decided to keep her firstborn in daycare while she’s on maternity leave with her second child
Image credits: lithiumphoto (not the actual photo)
Image credits: edamommy_
It’s essential to stay practical, instead of giving in to social pressure
The OP shared on Reddit how some people are very critical of her decision to keep her toddler in daycare while she’s on maternity leave. “Most of the people who question this decision are either people who don’t have kids, or were/are stay-at-home parents (my mom chief among them),” she shared.
However, she points out that it makes a lot of sense from a practical point of view to keep her first child at the nursery. This has given the mom more time to focus on her second baby. What’s more, she revealed that she’s finished up plenty of house projects and family to-do’s. Something that she might not have had the time and energy for if she was taking care of both children at home.
And that’s what lies at the core of the story: no matter how much people might love their children, this doesn’t mean that it’s feasible to spend 24/7 around them. Chores, work, hobbies, travel, exercise, meeting up with others—all of these things still happen and responsibilities pile up. Life goes on, and every family needs to find a balance between what’s great for all the kids, and how to keep the couple thriving, too. Because—and let’s not forget it—parents aren’t just parents.
It’s completely understandable if a new parent is feeling overwhelmed by, well, absolutely everything. Not only do they have to battle insomnia as they’re changing diapers, but they might also need to balance their other important commitments, like work. It’s not a weakness to ask for help or to look for ways to catch a breather. Daycare and school can free up a large chunk of the day. As can asking your family and friends to come over and babysit for a little while. Meanwhile, the parents can have a romantic date night, catch up on some sleep, or take some time off to work on their passion projects… or simply be alone with their thoughts. Everyone needs rest. Wanting it doesn’t make you a ‘bad’ parent.
The situation with (un)paid parental leave is very chaotic in the US
In an ideal world, both parents should be able to take long-lasting parental leave once their child is born. This time can be spent bonding with the baby and supporting one another at the start of that wonderful journey called parenthood.
In many developed countries, there are laws protecting a person’s right to paternal or maternal leave. Unfortunately, the situation in the United States is… messy. To say the least. It speaks volumes about how great of a company redditor u/edamommy_ works at that she’s been given a whopping 24 weeks of leave! Not everyone is as lucky.
The US does not have mandated paid maternity or paternity leave. It is up to each individual employer to decide whether to offer parental leave. Meanwhile, Federal employees are granted a mere 12 weeks of paid parental leave. To put it somewhat bluntly, this is beyond peculiar in a developed Western nation.
The idea of taking time off to be with the baby is very popular in the US. According to Investopedia, 7 out of 10 Americans support the idea of paid parental leave. Meanwhile, 55% of employers offer paid maternity leave while 45% of businesses also offer paid paternity leave. The key word here is ‘paid.’
On the flip side, to qualify for unpaid parental leave in the US, you have to have worked for the company for at least a year, and the business has to employ at least 50 employees within 75 miles of the HQ. You can have a maximum of 12 weeks of unpaid leave.
Many readers showed their support for the mom of two with their comments
Some parents who pulled their toddlers out of school and babysitting shared their stories
Mom has made good points but she shouldn't have to justify herself to anyone! Daycare also isn't just a place to leave kids when you can't look after them - it's a place where they learn social skills and do activities that are often difficult to do at home. People need to stop judging.
Yes, to all of this! My son (4) is academically ready for kindergarten, but his social skills are lacking. We can't afford daycare or preschool, and because of the pandemic, there still aren't a lot of community activities that allows him to socialize with children his own age.
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Zero people expected me to keep my toddler home when I had my second kid. They were surprised that I even did drop off and pick up the first month post partum. Life is A LOT more difficult with baby and toddler and disrupting toddler's routine even more isn't good for toddler
In my country we have 1 year of paid maternity leave and you don't lose a spot in kindergarten if you pull a kid out (you pay about 10 € per month to "keep the spot"), and yet it's perfectly normal to do what OP did. Only sometimes it's common to pull the older one out for a few days/weeks if there's an epidemic if some sort in the kindergarten so the baby doesn't get sick.
My 1st and 2nd children hated day care with a vengeance. I only worked 2 days a week after having kids so that was the most they ever did in care, anyway. I did pull them out when I had their younger siblings because I genuinely didn’t want them there anymore than necessary (child care’s expensive too!). They had playgroups, mothers groups, friends, each other, family etc. for all the socialisation, craft, stories and all the other things day care did. BUT my mother-in-law did offer to take them once a week and I did relish in that day! Days spent focusing on the baby, getting things done without toddlers around, even days just spent napping in front of Netflix with the baby on the boob. That one day off was a blessing and a great chance to reset me for another 6 days of crazy. (They are all big school kids, now - I miss those early years a lot sometimes).
In Austria, sadly, that's the law. If your child is under 3, it automatically loses its daycare place as soon as you are "not working".
In Canada it's similar. If you're between jobs daycares give you 3 months to land a job. If you're not working or job seeking it's their discretion whether or not you can use that space.
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Here's an idea: How about we stop shaming the choices parents make for their own children and their families? If it works better to keep the older child in daycare while you're tending to a newborn, do that. If it works better for you to have both your kids home, do that. There isn't one correct way; every child is different and every family is different.
Retired daycare teacher here (6 weeks - 18 mos) MANY of my parents did this. They also kept their oldest kids home every so often. I never questioned their decision. I didn't have my own kids in daycare but I do know how difficult it was to have older ones home with a newborn (mine were all 3 years apart) if I had that opportunity, I would have moved heaven and earth to utilize it!! People really need to stop being so judgemental! Mind your own darn business!!
I wish my eldest could have gone to daycare after I had my second!!! Our families do not approve of using daycare when there are older adults available to watch small children, so none of my children ever went to daycare. That being said, I gave birth to a new baby via c-section, and less than a week later I was on my own with a 3yo and a newborn. My mama lived with us at the time, but worked third shift, so she was not always available to help!! OMG daycare would have made things so much easier...
I'm confused. Who on earth is being critical of her? Maternity leave isn't some stay at home vacation, party. It's for her to rest and bond with the baby. For the baby to adjust to the flow of the household. Why would you disrupt your other child(ren) or do things that would be counter to the purpose. I don't even have kids and that seems like a no brainer.
There are clearly a couple of people on here who think if you don't want to spend every instant with your kid you shouldn't have them. I would guess it's those type of people.
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It doesn't matter what people think. If it's what you need then it's right for you. The people that judge and condemn are not worth listening to.
I understand how the opposers may feel. She's forgetting there are families desperate for childcare but must wait over long periods. At the same time, I can understand she would lose her spot. Since her mat leave isn't very long, compared to Canada's one year long mat leave, it would make more sense that she just keep her first kid in the spot, considering it's just 24 weeks. Otherwise she may never be able to go back to work. But I do have to wonder what she's going to do with her baby when she has to go back to work. Another thing, she wouldn't have to defend herself so much if she just kept her parenting decisions off the internet. I get it's okay to seek solidarity or present ideas for other parents. However, there will always be those who judge, too. She needs to ignore them and keep on doing what she needs to do. Sometimes daycare is beneficial. Sometimes not. Depends on the family and the kind of care that's given at the daycare. If it works for her and she has the luxury to keep her kid in daycare while on mat leave then great. Not every parent has that as an option. Js
What about the toddler? How is it fair to rip a toddler out of their routine and away from their friends and age appropriate activities to put it with their mom who won't have the capacity to care gor them in the same way, forcing them to be away from other children to play with and having to play alone for themselves instead? What exactly is the gain for the child that gets pulled out of daycare, missing chances to socialize with other children and learning new skills? It's not the mother's fault that there are not enough daycare spots. They're not responsible for making space. And it's extremely unfair against the first and the second child forcing them in a less than ideal situation. The baby needs and deserves the mom's full attention. The toddler needs and deserves their time to play and develop skills and have their routine.
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I didn't have this situation. I got to be an at home mom. When we put our son and my friends daughter into preschool the two of us stood outside sniffling. Our kids? Never looked back. They loved being with other kids, doing the projects etc. They were so happy going to that school. Can't imagine having to keep them home when they get so much out of socializing with other kids etc. Why would anyone feel guilty about that?
My sons are 2.5 years apart, and we left the older one in full time daycare when we had the younger (in Canada- so 12-18 month leave, depending on the person...I did 12). I asked my husband if he thought we should go to part time, but he looked at me like I was crazy and said that sounded horrible for me. We're lucky we could afford it, because I know many couldn't. Of course, Covid hit 4 months later, so everyone ended up at home, but at least my husband was there to help if things got too overwhelming for me, and I got a half hour break at lunch where he'd watch them while I worked out.
S**t, if I had a toddler today, I’d send that thing away for about 15 years.
Why would anyone try to shame/guilt OP? I just don't understand. She's paying for the preschool and her child likes it. I'm seriously confused. Oh, and my kids are grown...I did the same thing when mine were little. Also, I put them in daycare during my stay-cations, too.
Don't have kids and don't see anything wrong with what she is doing. It would give her loads of time to bond with the new one.
I really don’t know why I am responding to this article, maybe I am tired and cranky… I don’t like these types of articles. I feel like they are either purposely click bait, or they ignorantly perpetuate a stereotype. I did not take my toddler out of day care when I had my next child. Why would I? I did not receive criticism from anyone. There was no expectation. No one I know did either. I have never heard of that. Maybe I just live in a very enlightened area, (but that would literally be the only evidence supporting that theory).
Why WOULD u take the child out of school? I see no benefits at all-
It would be absolutely absurd to pull their toddler out of preschool just because the mother is on maternity leave. The toddler needs socialization and time with their friends and they wouldn't get that at home. Also, I am sure that it is a lot easier to take care of new baby when you don't have to worry so much about what is going on with the toddler. This woman should not have to explain this, but unfortunately we live in a society in which everyone feels like they need to know everyone else's business.
She wasn't forced to explain anything. She's the one who put her life out there.
Load More Replies... Why do people want to punish the older kid by forcing them to stay with a tired mother and a newborn baby instead of going to a place where they can play with other children of their own age all day, have enrichment and chances to learn social skills with trained people who are solely there to care for them and don't have to do chores on top? What have the older toddlers done to deserve that?
That's so weird she's judged. I absolutely know I'd be judged by everyone I know for removing my son from the place that offers constant stimulation, curriculum, consistency, a hot lunch and a lot more attention than I could with a newborn. For several months? Then what? A new facility? Any kid would be rightfully messed up by an ordeal like that. Strange.
If she came home from the hospital after being there for two broken legs, should she drop the day care then?
I think I read your comment wrong. So I have to change my answer. Or you changed it. It's not like the kid is in daycare 24/7. It takes a village to raise a child. The healthiest parents are the ones who have the supports behind them.
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Mom has made good points but she shouldn't have to justify herself to anyone! Daycare also isn't just a place to leave kids when you can't look after them - it's a place where they learn social skills and do activities that are often difficult to do at home. People need to stop judging.
Yes, to all of this! My son (4) is academically ready for kindergarten, but his social skills are lacking. We can't afford daycare or preschool, and because of the pandemic, there still aren't a lot of community activities that allows him to socialize with children his own age.
Load More Replies... Zero people expected me to keep my toddler home when I had my second kid. They were surprised that I even did drop off and pick up the first month post partum. Life is A LOT more difficult with baby and toddler and disrupting toddler's routine even more isn't good for toddler
In my country we have 1 year of paid maternity leave and you don't lose a spot in kindergarten if you pull a kid out (you pay about 10 € per month to "keep the spot"), and yet it's perfectly normal to do what OP did. Only sometimes it's common to pull the older one out for a few days/weeks if there's an epidemic if some sort in the kindergarten so the baby doesn't get sick.
My 1st and 2nd children hated day care with a vengeance. I only worked 2 days a week after having kids so that was the most they ever did in care, anyway. I did pull them out when I had their younger siblings because I genuinely didn’t want them there anymore than necessary (child care’s expensive too!). They had playgroups, mothers groups, friends, each other, family etc. for all the socialisation, craft, stories and all the other things day care did. BUT my mother-in-law did offer to take them once a week and I did relish in that day! Days spent focusing on the baby, getting things done without toddlers around, even days just spent napping in front of Netflix with the baby on the boob. That one day off was a blessing and a great chance to reset me for another 6 days of crazy. (They are all big school kids, now - I miss those early years a lot sometimes).
In Austria, sadly, that's the law. If your child is under 3, it automatically loses its daycare place as soon as you are "not working".
In Canada it's similar. If you're between jobs daycares give you 3 months to land a job. If you're not working or job seeking it's their discretion whether or not you can use that space.
Load More Replies... Here's an idea: How about we stop shaming the choices parents make for their own children and their families? If it works better to keep the older child in daycare while you're tending to a newborn, do that. If it works better for you to have both your kids home, do that. There isn't one correct way; every child is different and every family is different.
Retired daycare teacher here (6 weeks - 18 mos) MANY of my parents did this. They also kept their oldest kids home every so often. I never questioned their decision. I didn't have my own kids in daycare but I do know how difficult it was to have older ones home with a newborn (mine were all 3 years apart) if I had that opportunity, I would have moved heaven and earth to utilize it!! People really need to stop being so judgemental! Mind your own darn business!!
I wish my eldest could have gone to daycare after I had my second!!! Our families do not approve of using daycare when there are older adults available to watch small children, so none of my children ever went to daycare. That being said, I gave birth to a new baby via c-section, and less than a week later I was on my own with a 3yo and a newborn. My mama lived with us at the time, but worked third shift, so she was not always available to help!! OMG daycare would have made things so much easier...
I'm confused. Who on earth is being critical of her? Maternity leave isn't some stay at home vacation, party. It's for her to rest and bond with the baby. For the baby to adjust to the flow of the household. Why would you disrupt your other child(ren) or do things that would be counter to the purpose. I don't even have kids and that seems like a no brainer.
There are clearly a couple of people on here who think if you don't want to spend every instant with your kid you shouldn't have them. I would guess it's those type of people.
Load More Replies... It doesn't matter what people think. If it's what you need then it's right for you. The people that judge and condemn are not worth listening to.
I understand how the opposers may feel. She's forgetting there are families desperate for childcare but must wait over long periods. At the same time, I can understand she would lose her spot. Since her mat leave isn't very long, compared to Canada's one year long mat leave, it would make more sense that she just keep her first kid in the spot, considering it's just 24 weeks. Otherwise she may never be able to go back to work. But I do have to wonder what she's going to do with her baby when she has to go back to work. Another thing, she wouldn't have to defend herself so much if she just kept her parenting decisions off the internet. I get it's okay to seek solidarity or present ideas for other parents. However, there will always be those who judge, too. She needs to ignore them and keep on doing what she needs to do. Sometimes daycare is beneficial. Sometimes not. Depends on the family and the kind of care that's given at the daycare. If it works for her and she has the luxury to keep her kid in daycare while on mat leave then great. Not every parent has that as an option. Js
What about the toddler? How is it fair to rip a toddler out of their routine and away from their friends and age appropriate activities to put it with their mom who won't have the capacity to care gor them in the same way, forcing them to be away from other children to play with and having to play alone for themselves instead? What exactly is the gain for the child that gets pulled out of daycare, missing chances to socialize with other children and learning new skills? It's not the mother's fault that there are not enough daycare spots. They're not responsible for making space. And it's extremely unfair against the first and the second child forcing them in a less than ideal situation. The baby needs and deserves the mom's full attention. The toddler needs and deserves their time to play and develop skills and have their routine.
Load More Replies... I didn't have this situation. I got to be an at home mom. When we put our son and my friends daughter into preschool the two of us stood outside sniffling. Our kids? Never looked back. They loved being with other kids, doing the projects etc. They were so happy going to that school. Can't imagine having to keep them home when they get so much out of socializing with other kids etc. Why would anyone feel guilty about that?
My sons are 2.5 years apart, and we left the older one in full time daycare when we had the younger (in Canada- so 12-18 month leave, depending on the person...I did 12). I asked my husband if he thought we should go to part time, but he looked at me like I was crazy and said that sounded horrible for me. We're lucky we could afford it, because I know many couldn't. Of course, Covid hit 4 months later, so everyone ended up at home, but at least my husband was there to help if things got too overwhelming for me, and I got a half hour break at lunch where he'd watch them while I worked out.
S**t, if I had a toddler today, I’d send that thing away for about 15 years.
Why would anyone try to shame/guilt OP? I just don't understand. She's paying for the preschool and her child likes it. I'm seriously confused. Oh, and my kids are grown...I did the same thing when mine were little. Also, I put them in daycare during my stay-cations, too.
Don't have kids and don't see anything wrong with what she is doing. It would give her loads of time to bond with the new one.
I really don’t know why I am responding to this article, maybe I am tired and cranky… I don’t like these types of articles. I feel like they are either purposely click bait, or they ignorantly perpetuate a stereotype. I did not take my toddler out of day care when I had my next child. Why would I? I did not receive criticism from anyone. There was no expectation. No one I know did either. I have never heard of that. Maybe I just live in a very enlightened area, (but that would literally be the only evidence supporting that theory).
Why WOULD u take the child out of school? I see no benefits at all-
It would be absolutely absurd to pull their toddler out of preschool just because the mother is on maternity leave. The toddler needs socialization and time with their friends and they wouldn't get that at home. Also, I am sure that it is a lot easier to take care of new baby when you don't have to worry so much about what is going on with the toddler. This woman should not have to explain this, but unfortunately we live in a society in which everyone feels like they need to know everyone else's business.
She wasn't forced to explain anything. She's the one who put her life out there.
Load More Replies... Why do people want to punish the older kid by forcing them to stay with a tired mother and a newborn baby instead of going to a place where they can play with other children of their own age all day, have enrichment and chances to learn social skills with trained people who are solely there to care for them and don't have to do chores on top? What have the older toddlers done to deserve that?
That's so weird she's judged. I absolutely know I'd be judged by everyone I know for removing my son from the place that offers constant stimulation, curriculum, consistency, a hot lunch and a lot more attention than I could with a newborn. For several months? Then what? A new facility? Any kid would be rightfully messed up by an ordeal like that. Strange.
If she came home from the hospital after being there for two broken legs, should she drop the day care then?
I think I read your comment wrong. So I have to change my answer. Or you changed it. It's not like the kid is in daycare 24/7. It takes a village to raise a child. The healthiest parents are the ones who have the supports behind them.
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