If you’re a parent who’s lucky enough to have a “built-in babysitter” in the form of a close friend, sibling, mom, dad or neighbor, you’ve hit the parenting jackpot. Eliminating the stress of scrolling through websites and apps every time your little one needs to be watched for a few hours is a huge luxury. But it’s still important to make sure you don’t take advantage of your beloved babysitters.
One grandmother recently decided that she wouldn’t be providing free childcare any more, but her daughter refuses to start paying her. Below, you’ll find the full story the mother recently shared on Reddit, as well as some of the replies invested readers left.
This woman used to rely on her mother for last-minute babysitting
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
But now that her mom’s demanding to be paid, she’s wondering if she was wrong to keep her wallet closed
Image credits: Rido81 (not the actual photo)
Image credits: getDoor21
Most families enlist the help of a babysitter once or twice a month
Every family has their own individual needs and might require a babysitter more or less frequently than others, depending on the parents’ jobs, how many relatives live nearby, and what kinds of needs the children have. But according to Kidsit, the average family enlists the help of a babysitter once or twice a month, and the average American family spends about $1,000 a year on babysitters.
When bringing in someone outside of the family to babysit, there’s no question that they’re doing a job. They’ll be playing games with the kids, feeding them, making sure they’re safe, and they might even need to help them with homework, give them a bath, and put them to bed. UrbanSitter reports that the average rate for babysitting one child at a time in the US in 2022 was $20.57 per hour.
When deciding how much to pay your sitter, Parents.com says moms and dads should consider the babysitter’s experience, the number of kids they’ll be watching, how many hours they’ll be there, the level of responsibility, and the total time commitment, including their transportation and how often they’ll be needed.
Image credits: Lina Kivaka (not the actual photo)
There’s no question that taking care of children is a job, even if family members refuse payment
So why do some of us fail to consider the fact that babysitting is a job when our family members offer to help out? Well, some relatives might refuse to accept payment just to spend time with their grandchildren or nieces and nephews, and if the babysitting is only needed once in a while, it might not be seen as a burden at all. But according to Verywell Family, there are a few factors parents need to consider before enlisting their own parents to help with childcare.
They recommend discussing payment as an option before even scheduling your parents for help, as babysitting is a job. If your mom and dad aren’t well off or don’t have a lot of free time, it might make more sense to compensate them for their help. Assuming they don’t want payment can be presumptuous and lead to resentment.
It’s also recommended to keep their responsibilities simple. They’re older, and they probably don’t have the energy to be running around with kids for hours each week. Suggest calm activities that are safe and won’t wear them out, and don’t expect them to be watching your kids for too long at any given time.
Image credits: Markus Spiske (not the actual photo)
It’s important not to take advantage of relatives who are willing to help out with childcare
As much as your parents must love their grandchildren, Verywell Family also says it’s important to give them an out if they no longer have the time or desire to babysit for you. You should always have a plan B in place to make sure they don’t feel taken advantage of or obligated to reorganize their schedules around babysitting.
If you’re in need of alternatives to hiring your family members to babysit, parents can look into programs like Mom’s Day Out and babysitting co-ops, or reach out to other parents to see which babysitters they can recommend. If using family for childcare starts putting your relationships at risk, it might not be worth it anymore. And if literally paying them is the price you have to pay to ensure your children are in safe, capable hands while you’re out running errands, it might be well worth the cost.
We’d love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this mother is being unreasonable by expecting her mom to babysit for free? Feel free to share, and then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article, you can check out this one discussing whether or not to pay family members for childcare!
Image credits: Nikoline Arns (not the actual photo)
Some readers were unsure where they stood on the situation, noting that the mom didn’t share enough details
However, some thought the mother was being unreasonable by refusing to pay
And others noted that they would never expect compensation to watch a family member
This one seems weird all round. I think one of the first commenters might have hit the nail on the head. This might be the grandmas way of saying "you're just using me as a babysitter, so pay me like one". There is a difference between asking a grandparent to look after a kid and expecting them to. When she says "at most twice a week" makes me think it's actually pretty frequent and potentially interrupting stuff grandma wants to do. This is grandmas way of pushing back without explicitly saying "no I won't watch your kid all the time" hoping the Mum will reduce the amount of babysitting she wants as a result. Seems to me (like most problems on Reddit) this would be solved by the two sitting down and having a sensible conversation. "Do you really need me to pay you, or is this about something else? Am I imposing too much?"
Fair. I’d add that we only have one side of the story too - and that nobody ever tells a story to emphasise the ways in which they’re the AH. My sympathies are with grandma.
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This is crazy. How often is she leaving her kid for at least a week that it has become a regular paid thing? She has a nanny and has her mom watch the kid sometimes multiple times a week? Can't take her kid to run errands? So clearly no one wants this poor kid around.
I don't think the grandma doesn't want the kid around, but clearly the mother doesn't. The grandma just wants to be compensated for her time and money she spends on her granddaughter, because raising a kid takes a lot of time, effort, and money, which she most likely isn't earning anymore. If this mother barely has money for her kid, why is she going out with friends so often? The fact errands is in parenthesis tells me she doesn't wanna say what she's actually doing. The poor kid is just in the middle of their pissing match now
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Be honest. You didn't need to do "errands". Generations of parents have taken their kids along while doing actual errands.
She pays her mother $115/day. Let's be generous and say the kid sleeps 8 hours a days so the mother is working 16 hour days. That's ~$7/hour. Even if the mother is well off, that's less than minimum wage. Sure it'd be great of she did it for free but it really feels like something OP is not saying (or self-aware enough to realize) going on here. The mother pay request feels like a move someone makes when they feel their kindness is being taken advantage of. She says sometimes it's 1-2 times a week, which is actually a lot for it not being someone's child nor being paid. Especially if you have a nanny. And how often is that nanny unavailable? And how are other accommodations not able to be made when they're unavailable? And she says sometimes it's only 1-2 times per month? The kid is 8. And based on OP's entitlement this has presumably gone of for 8 years.
That struck me too. Cost is usually $100 for the time they're asleep plus a regular wage - about $18/hr for each hour they're awake. Plus overtime. Mom has no idea how good she's got it. She should pay grandma and be grateful she has affordable childcare.
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I'm not sure why Dorians comment got downvotes. We are literally in a recession..... Parents don't watch their kids they take care of them. Grandparents already raised their children. Their duty is done. Why do some automatically just assume that because you are family you HAVE to do what is asked if you?
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Anyone who says NTA isn't getting the point. Op is telling her mother she needs to babysit, instead of asking her mother to babysit. Presuming and assuming, which is just taking advantage of another person, who maybe has better things to do than always be expected to watch a kid. That is the real message here.
What hasn't been mentioned by OP or any comments in the article is, what does the daughter do for her mother. "Family takes care of each other" means daughter needs to help her mom too. And if she's acting spoiled, her mother just figured out what she did wrong raising her. I bet the sudden change in conditions is because the mom asked her daughter for something she needed help with and got turned down. Then was told to babysit again.
Bigger issue, grandma is on a fixed income, her grown daughter knows that and doesn't care. The cost of everything around us has greatly increased. Meaning Grandma's monthly checks can't keep up. The costs for groceries, heat, air, water, insurance, gas, car insurance, restaurants, car wash, clothing, hair salons, nail salons, etc. Everything. If the chic can pay a Nanny she can definitely pay her. Especially if she cares Abt her fixed income. Back n the day Grandma's checks covered everything, but those days are over. The chic is selfish
Load More Replies... My mom pushed me a lot about getting grandkids and how she wanted to babysit them and taking them out. Now she has had grandkids for 12 years and not offered to babysit a single time.Not even when I lost my baby before delivery and she just said "Oh, thats to bad" and I had to give birth to my dead baby alone as no other sitter was found (mum is retired and spends all time at home). At the funeral she did turn up, but the only words she uttered was that she didnt like the stairs to the parking lot and that it was a hassle walking from the car to the church (the priest and funeral service car had a parking right behind the church, prob meant we should have taken that one for her). She accepts visits from grandkids, if I arrange it all, and seems happy to sit and look at them, if they dont make to much sound or messes. I Wonder where that "my life goal is to be a granny" went.
She was probably hoping you wouldn't have grandkids after realizing that she would be part of their life the way she wanted them to be.
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What most parents need to realize: The only one who has to legally watch your kids for free is you.
I agree, I know one grandma that didn't do this and now all her daily free time is used for babysitting. Daily. She's older, tired, still working and her daily life is babysitting. She never set boundaries now it's her set daily life. She has to pick up her grandkids in morning so her lazy daughter can sleep, take them to school, then pick them up, mind u leaving her job to run n pick them up, then her daughter drops them off every afternoon before she goes to work, then is supposed to come get them after work but guess what often never shows up. So grandma being all nice is now raising 3 more kids for another 18 years, breakfast, transportation, pick ups, dinner, baths, homework, etc. She's stuck! Cuz she didn't do what this grandma did! Set boundaries. Cuz at first they're grateful and kind then after a month or so, they get comfortable and and treat u like u birthed the darn kids and don't care if ure tired, short on income, have to work, busy etc. It's now ur regular daily life.
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Since I havent seen it mentioned anywhere, OP pays her mother $4.79/hour for at least a weeks worth of 24 hour care, during "work trips".
To be fair, most grandparents happily watch grandkids for free, even for a week or two. It's just something they do because "family". I feel like the fact she has to pay means she's either abusing the privilege or... hmm nope. Just that.
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She said she "only" asks for once or twice a week, that's a lot to be asking, especially if she doesn't give much notice. I think her mother asked for payment to try and show her daughter she felt like she was being taken advantage of. It's a lot to take on and some compromise is needed. Until I got really sick I would only occasionally ask my parents to babysit and I lived with them and wouldn't go out in the evening until after I had done the bedtime routine and my daughter was asleep. They had to help me more after I got sick and I was so grateful because they were the stability kiddo needed whilst I was in and out of hospital.
You are willing to pay a stranger such as a babysitter why not your own family. They are not doormats for you to dump your problems of having no one last minute. YTA
Depends on culture I guess idk my Chinese mom expects me to pump a kid for her to babysit
My Slavic mom loves my child more than she loves me, which is a lot😅 sometimes she gets offended if I leave her alone for a couple of hours (she's big enough) instead of bringing her to granny's place in the other part of the town.
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She only babysits one or twice a week. Dude thats A LOT. Entitled mom, maybe cause you are used to her doing it for free. But still, come on.
The morons who are calling the people who are telling OP to pay her mother "boomers" is some hilarious s**t. As if "it happened in their day therefore I should also get it" isn't the most boomer mentality. Knowing your worth and expecting to be paid for it is something Millenials and zoomers are known for. How out of touch of a boomer are you for not recognizing the current labor and economic climate and just expect you to receive a benefit because the previous generation got it. They don't even acknowledge that OP is clearly taking advantage of mother.
I think grandma being “well-off” is immaterial; the woman’s mother is just pushing back and charging something so that the woman knows it’s not free.
I agree, I know one grandma that didn't do this and now all her daily free time is used for babysitting. Daily. She's older, tired, still working and her daily life is babysitting. She never set boundaries now it's her set daily life. She has to pick up her grandkids in morning so her lazy daughter can sleep, take them to school, then pick them up, mind u leaving her job to run n pick them up, then her daughter drops them off every afternoon before she goes to work, then is supposed to come get them after work but guess what often never shows up. So grandma being all nice is now raising 3 more kids for another 18 years, breakfast, transportation, pick ups, dinner, baths, homework, etc. She's stuck! Cuz she didn't do what this grandma did! Set boundaries. Cuz at first they're grateful and kind then after a month or so, they get comfortable and and treat u like u birthed the darn kids and don't care if ure tired, short on income, have to work, busy etc. It's now ur regular daily life.
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Woman up. You say you couldn't find another sitter on such short notice, which tells me you were willing to pay someone for their time. Personally, I would pay mum for her time & nurturing of my child before hiring out. I'm also a Boomer & my parents never babysat. I didn't babysit my Granddaughter either, but she spent her entire summers with us until she was 17 then, the occasional weekend. Pay your mum, she's not an anytime drop-in care facility or a sitter that really doesn't give 2 hoots about your child, mum loves her, sheesh...
I don't have children, but I don't like hearing people take grandparents for granted, as natural babysitters. They have a life too! Did you want children? It's up to you to keep them.
I agree, I know one grandma that didn't do this and now all her daily free time is used for babysitting. Daily. She's older, tired, still working and her daily life is babysitting. She never set boundaries now it's her set daily life. She has to pick up her grandkids in morning so her lazy daughter can sleep, take them to school, then pick them up, mind u leaving her job to run n pick them up, then her daughter drops them off every afternoon before she goes to work, then is supposed to come get them after work but guess what often never shows up. So grandma being all nice is now raising 3 more kids for another 18 years, breakfast, transportation, pick ups, dinner, baths, homework, etc. She's stuck! Cuz she didn't do what this grandma did! Set boundaries. Cuz at first they're grateful and kind then after a month or so, they get comfortable and and treat u like u birthed the darn kids and don't care if ure tired, short on income, have to work, busy etc. It's now ur regular daily life.
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I couldn't read that entire drivel. What a spoiled brat and I'm not talking about the child. Well, just the adult child whose supposed to be a mother to her daughter, and bring her places to run errands and show her daughter how things are done in the world.
Unpopular opinion here: humans are the only species (or so I'm told) that outlives their reproductive years. There has to be a reason for that. When my children have children of their own, my only reason to exist is to help my children to ensure their children grow up healthy.
know one grandma that didn't do this and now all her daily free time is used for babysitting. Daily. She's older, tired, still working and her daily life is babysitting. She never set boundaries now it's her set daily life. She has to pick up her grandkids in morning so her lazy daughter can sleep, take them to school, then pick them up, mind u leaving her job to run n pick them up, then her daughter drops them off every afternoon before she goes to work, then is supposed to come get them after work but guess what often never shows up. So grandma being all nice is now raising 3 more kids for another 18 years, breakfast, transportation, pick ups, dinner, baths, homework, etc. She's stuck! Cuz she didn't do what this grandma did! Set boundaries. Cuz at first they're grateful and kind then after a month or so, they get comfortable and treat u like u birthed the darn kids and don't care if ure tired, short on income, have to work, busy etc. She was so upset when sharing this with us
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My mother took early retirement so my sister could work. My mother provided free childcare for the youngest from the day he was born, after school care for the older 3, AND cooked dinner for her family (all 5 of them) FOR NINE YEARS. She never even asked for money to help buy groceries to feed them with. One day, my mother needed to see a specialist about a medical issue. She could only get an afternoon appointment, so she told my sister that she needed to make plans for the boys that day. My sister had the audacity to complain about the inconvenience and cost of finding someone with 3 days notice. That is when my mother sat down with her calculator and presented my sister with an invoice of $53,236 for 9 years of childcare and dinner service (and I think she undercharged). My sister was flabbergasted, and my mother informed her that since she had taken my mother for granted and been ungrateful, she was going to start charging my sister $250/week for after school care and dinner servic
Asking you mom to babysit because you work is one thing but asking her to babysit just to run errands is taking advantage.
know one grandma that didn't do this and now all her daily free time is used for babysitting. Daily. She's older, tired, still working and her daily life is babysitting. She never set boundaries now it's her set daily life. She has to pick up her grandkids in morning so her lazy daughter can sleep, take them to school, then pick them up, mind u leaving her job to run n pick them up, then her daughter drops them off every afternoon before she goes to work, then is supposed to come get them after work but guess what often never shows up. So grandma being all nice is now raising 3 more kids for another 18 years, breakfast, transportation, pick ups, dinner, baths, homework, etc. She's stuck! Cuz she didn't do what this grandma did! Set boundaries. Cuz at first they're grateful and kind then after a month or so, they get comfortable and treat u like u birthed the darn kids and don't care if ure tired, short on income, have to work, busy etc. It's now ur regular daily life.
Load More Replies... My mother and MIL would never have accepted money to care for my daughter but MIL had 2 adult granddaughters, a 14 year old granddaughter and an 11 year old granddaughter when mine was born and had always taken care of them whenever she was free. They were both retired and my parents were both disabled so when I wasn’t at work I took care of them and of my daughter so they were more than happy to help without payment. I had a lot of family members helping, even my daughter’s cousins who loved having a new baby. Not once did I TELL anyone that I needed them to look after my child. Especially to go and meet a friend. It doesn’t matter how well off the grandmother is, taking advantage is taking advantage.
First off I have to say "your mom isn't your free, any time, built-in babysitter". I read a majority of the responses and I have to say Boomers were not terrible and selfish parents. My parents rarely asked my grandparents to babysit, the only time we went over to visit is when my grandma asked if my parents would bring us over. When I was a young, single mom my mom would babysit my firstborn on occasion. I would try to pay her but she always refused. So I would buy her groceries instead. YTA when you assume your mom will watch your child last minute, free if charge. Your mom raised you, you had a baby, that baby/child is your responsibility not your mother's. Grandparents have a life of their own, some even work. When you need a last minute sitter and you expect your mom to watch your child you're intruding on her time. Maybe she has to cancel her plans or call into work sick. Her time is valuable and you're taking advantage of her! Shame on you, pay your mother for her time!
I for enjoy every moment I can with my grandchild. Right now it's every Tuesday & maybe other days too out the week. Sometimes we go out to eat, some times eat @ home. As 4 babysitting (getting to spend more time together) I do not ask 2 be paid. My daughter ask way in advance if free, which about 90% I am
"I had to bring her with me when I met my friend." So this wasn't a work thing or anything formal, it was her meeting with friends. What kind of bad parent dumps their kid on someone else repeatedly, doesn't pay them and feels entitled to do this whenever they feel like? The g-ma charging is her way of saying to her daughter that she needs to start acting more responsibly and less entitled. When you have a child, that child comes first, not hanging out with your friends. And you ask someone if they can watch your kid, you don't tell them they'll be doing it. So tired of entitled parents. Don't have kids if you don't want the responsibility.
Why can’t she plan her “errands” during the time she supposedly has a paid nanny? She said the child support from her ex barely covers basic needs, but that means it does cover them, so is mom not also contributing to her daughter’s needs? If she has a PAID nanny I’m assuming she works and isn’t on government assistance so why is there no more money to offer mom if dad already covering kids food and general upkeep? Sounds like she might be mad her “errands” (eg likely lunch or drinks with friends, maybe a salon or nail appointment) wouldn’t be financially possible if she has to pay her mom for care. What a selfish little urchin. I bet SHE won’t be willing to watch her own daughter’s kids someday either for nothing, she doesn’t seem like she’d sacrifice anything for family but she sure expects them to do it. I don’t like her.
I have a feeling this may have nothing to do with money at all, or how much she is asking her mother to babysit. It is probably about the way this woman is treating her mother in general. Does she only call her mom when she needs/ wants her to watch the grand? If she doesn't make an effort to connect with her mom and have a caring relationship with her unless she needs something, grandma might just be feeling used. If my kid was treating me as nothing more than an employee, I'd want to be paid too.
Yes! I think that you are just expecting Grandma to babysit and not asking her. Maybe it was not convenient, maybe she had plans. maybe you are just being entitled. The Grandma card does not mean a free babysitter for life. It does not matter what Grandma's age is, she may not be feeling well. Maybe she does not have enough patience to watch the child. Ask her, and have a good discussion about everything. Hit the baby daddy up for more child support specifying daycare cost. If you did not have time to pre-plan for a sitter, it must not be work-related. Maybe your mom would like you to take her to lunch or bring over some takeout. You know, make her feel special!
I have read many of the comments and one thing the mother should understand is that her mother is getting OLDER. I know that I won't babysit anymore because of that reason. Did she notice that?
Site openly admitted to her entitlement in the first line of the 2nd paragraph. I "TOLD" my mom "I NEEDED" her to watch my daughter.....STA
My husband and I watch our grandchild 2 days a week. The baby stays overnight. He is 15 months old and still gets up during the night. We love every minute, but it is a lot of work. I'm 60+ and work full time. My husband is retired. I make the baby food from scratch as I believe it's best for his growth. If he's not here, we might have leftovers for lunch and popcorn for dinner. We actively play with our grandchild, bathe him and do his laundry. It is definitely more work on the days he's with us. Sounds like the daughter was not asking her if she was available, but telling her mom ( grandma ) she was babysitting. There is a huge difference. Maybe grandma had some plans of her own! I also think the granddaughter is at grandma's house much more often than she is telling us in her story. I'd love to get the grandmothers side of the story!
Couple of questions need to be asked: 1 Are you social with your mother full time or has contact become only when you need a babysitting favor. 2 I might have missed i
Anyone saying yta has a crappy relationship with their family
My mother watches her great grandkids a few times a week. She doesn't ask for monetary payment, but when she needs help with something, like, having her car taken to the mechanic, or picking up a few things from the grocery, or fixing the lock on her front door, she feels free to ask for that help. And the parents are more than willing to assist her. And it's not like "I'll watch the kids if you do something for me in return". She loves being with the greats. It's a good time of bonding for all of them. And the greats love the time together just as much.
YTA, no question about it. If you're not getting enough In child support, it's time to go back to court (since he's not involved in any other way). Maybe you need to take mom out and show her appreciation. I had a MIL that straight out said, "I will not be a babysitter " and it was OK (she wouldn't follow food guidelines)
my son lives next door to me and my widowed dad lives on the other side of my house. most people find that out and exclaim 'omg! that must be terrible!' nope. it's because we have boundaries. yes. the son/dil, etc will pop over unannounced but it's not often. but, when it comes to watching their son (and their two dogs, btw) they always ask if i have plans or if i feel up to it. that makes all the difference. for the most part, it's never a problem & on the few times when i have had an appointment i tell them that i will have to take him with me. the only time i got annoyed was this last summer because my house is just not much fun for an 8 yr old. they had missed the time to register him for a summer program so there wasn't another option as they both work out of down and different shifts. and, my annoyance was based in that i had wanted to do somethings without the responsibility of caring for a kid, whether that means grabbing my fishing pole for a few quiet hours or something els
My grandparents had me with them most of the time on their farm when I was little because mom was a young single mom trying to pay the bills in the city. There’s no way they would have taken payment, it was their idea and I had a wonderful childhood. A loving mom that came home nearly every weekend and adoring grandparents, aunts and uncles. Yes, I was spoiled, but not a brat so they say. Mom has tended all of her grandkids plus a few strays that needed a bonus grandma. I’ve taken care of mine, both when parents were working and when they needed a night out or a vacation. With great joy. That being said, no one ever “told” any grandparent they were taking the kids. It was always a request or the grandparent’s idea. Even when I’m staying with one of my kids they always ask if it’s ok to leave, even for a few minutes. They’ll bring me dinner or a treat home, and never let me buy my own dinner if we go out.
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According to OP, grandma is "well-off", so she didn't need the money to watch her kid??? How about it's GRANDMA who probably had her own plans all made up (Dr appt, shopping with friends, going on a day trip, etc), only for OP to suddenly come by with baby in tow, and dropping baby off with a rushed explanation, a brief kiss and a promise to be back "in a couple hours"! That throws everything off kilter for grandma, who now had to cancel HER plans in order to settle down a crying child, while mommy gets to do her thing! OP should remember that grandma has a life too, and respect it!
Perhaps you are treating her as an employee to some degree. I don't think you intend to. However your saying you need hrr to come watch your daughter sounded more like telling than adking. I've been in a position somewhat like thus. I would have done anything if asked. But sometimes the ask was more of a direction that you woukd give an employee. Although I never asked for money. I coukd see feeling like if yoy treat me as an employee I'll charge you. It sounds like errands and her babysitting could have be pre-arranged with the mother taking part in the planning process.
Grandparents have lives too. So if her life is put on hold some of those babysitting days, she should get paid. Also, maybe she needs extra money and charging for her services is the only way to make extra money. Just some thoughts.
Sounds like OP is demanding. "Only once to twice a week" where she demands her mother watch her kid? Yeesh! Ask her nicely, set up fun things for them, and offer her compensation. Or OP can learn to be a mother and take her child on errands. If the child is a handful, then maybe she's not doing a very good job parenting her.
She has a nanny for the kid. The daughter is not hurting for cash. She is just entitled.
Simple question: "Does the nanny work for free?" Then why should your mother when you use her as a replacement?
How much time is the mother away from the child? She has a nanny and still asks g-ma to watch her kid. 8 is a great age, they listen, they can walk, talk and laugh. Maybe g-ma is forcing the issue to make mom spend some actual time with her chilld.
If your mother demanded that you give her grandchildren, I’d say you’re entitled to demand free childcare from her. If not, then you need to pay her.
I am an American 69 year old grandmother who drives 42 miles roundtrip to help care for my 2 year old grandchild for 6 hours on Sundays (so my daughter and son-in-law can have time off together from parenting duties), as well as every Monday, Tuesday and recently added Fridays, 5- 6 hours each day. I pay for my own gas, bring my own lunch and don't expect payment; none has any been offered. However, even though I am retired from gainful employment, childcare has begun to feel like a part time job and I find myself exhausted on the few days I do have to myself to do things I need to do. I worked full-time when my children were little, they went to paid preschool/sitters and then public school. I changed my work hours to accommodate their schedules and attend after school activities. My parents and in-laws lived too far away. Visits with them were family time, not babysitting time. Parenting is a 24/7 responsibility that many young people don't seem to comprehend today.
I wonder if this is a cultural thing. I find it absolutely bizarre that a grandparent would ever expect payment to look after their grandchild. Like really completely and utterly bizarre. And at 8 years old it's not even like it's hard work to look after her. No diapers and bottles and putting her down for naps. Just make sure she's fed and not burning the house down.
I have a feeling grandma doesn't really want to be paid. Grandma just wants her time to be respected. OP is calling her up at the last minute once or twice a week and not asking, but getting her to babysit. Grandma is just tired of being taken advantage of.
Load More Replies... Someone who is seen as a convenience and not as family.
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This one seems weird all round. I think one of the first commenters might have hit the nail on the head. This might be the grandmas way of saying "you're just using me as a babysitter, so pay me like one". There is a difference between asking a grandparent to look after a kid and expecting them to. When she says "at most twice a week" makes me think it's actually pretty frequent and potentially interrupting stuff grandma wants to do. This is grandmas way of pushing back without explicitly saying "no I won't watch your kid all the time" hoping the Mum will reduce the amount of babysitting she wants as a result. Seems to me (like most problems on Reddit) this would be solved by the two sitting down and having a sensible conversation. "Do you really need me to pay you, or is this about something else? Am I imposing too much?"
Fair. I’d add that we only have one side of the story too - and that nobody ever tells a story to emphasise the ways in which they’re the AH. My sympathies are with grandma.
Load More Replies... This is crazy. How often is she leaving her kid for at least a week that it has become a regular paid thing? She has a nanny and has her mom watch the kid sometimes multiple times a week? Can't take her kid to run errands? So clearly no one wants this poor kid around.
I don't think the grandma doesn't want the kid around, but clearly the mother doesn't. The grandma just wants to be compensated for her time and money she spends on her granddaughter, because raising a kid takes a lot of time, effort, and money, which she most likely isn't earning anymore. If this mother barely has money for her kid, why is she going out with friends so often? The fact errands is in parenthesis tells me she doesn't wanna say what she's actually doing. The poor kid is just in the middle of their pissing match now
Load More Replies... Be honest. You didn't need to do "errands". Generations of parents have taken their kids along while doing actual errands.
She pays her mother $115/day. Let's be generous and say the kid sleeps 8 hours a days so the mother is working 16 hour days. That's ~$7/hour. Even if the mother is well off, that's less than minimum wage. Sure it'd be great of she did it for free but it really feels like something OP is not saying (or self-aware enough to realize) going on here. The mother pay request feels like a move someone makes when they feel their kindness is being taken advantage of. She says sometimes it's 1-2 times a week, which is actually a lot for it not being someone's child nor being paid. Especially if you have a nanny. And how often is that nanny unavailable? And how are other accommodations not able to be made when they're unavailable? And she says sometimes it's only 1-2 times per month? The kid is 8. And based on OP's entitlement this has presumably gone of for 8 years.
That struck me too. Cost is usually $100 for the time they're asleep plus a regular wage - about $18/hr for each hour they're awake. Plus overtime. Mom has no idea how good she's got it. She should pay grandma and be grateful she has affordable childcare.
Load More Replies... I'm not sure why Dorians comment got downvotes. We are literally in a recession..... Parents don't watch their kids they take care of them. Grandparents already raised their children. Their duty is done. Why do some automatically just assume that because you are family you HAVE to do what is asked if you?
Load More Replies... Anyone who says NTA isn't getting the point. Op is telling her mother she needs to babysit, instead of asking her mother to babysit. Presuming and assuming, which is just taking advantage of another person, who maybe has better things to do than always be expected to watch a kid. That is the real message here.
What hasn't been mentioned by OP or any comments in the article is, what does the daughter do for her mother. "Family takes care of each other" means daughter needs to help her mom too. And if she's acting spoiled, her mother just figured out what she did wrong raising her. I bet the sudden change in conditions is because the mom asked her daughter for something she needed help with and got turned down. Then was told to babysit again.
Bigger issue, grandma is on a fixed income, her grown daughter knows that and doesn't care. The cost of everything around us has greatly increased. Meaning Grandma's monthly checks can't keep up. The costs for groceries, heat, air, water, insurance, gas, car insurance, restaurants, car wash, clothing, hair salons, nail salons, etc. Everything. If the chic can pay a Nanny she can definitely pay her. Especially if she cares Abt her fixed income. Back n the day Grandma's checks covered everything, but those days are over. The chic is selfish
Load More Replies... My mom pushed me a lot about getting grandkids and how she wanted to babysit them and taking them out. Now she has had grandkids for 12 years and not offered to babysit a single time.Not even when I lost my baby before delivery and she just said "Oh, thats to bad" and I had to give birth to my dead baby alone as no other sitter was found (mum is retired and spends all time at home). At the funeral she did turn up, but the only words she uttered was that she didnt like the stairs to the parking lot and that it was a hassle walking from the car to the church (the priest and funeral service car had a parking right behind the church, prob meant we should have taken that one for her). She accepts visits from grandkids, if I arrange it all, and seems happy to sit and look at them, if they dont make to much sound or messes. I Wonder where that "my life goal is to be a granny" went.
She was probably hoping you wouldn't have grandkids after realizing that she would be part of their life the way she wanted them to be.
Load More Replies... What most parents need to realize: The only one who has to legally watch your kids for free is you.
I agree, I know one grandma that didn't do this and now all her daily free time is used for babysitting. Daily. She's older, tired, still working and her daily life is babysitting. She never set boundaries now it's her set daily life. She has to pick up her grandkids in morning so her lazy daughter can sleep, take them to school, then pick them up, mind u leaving her job to run n pick them up, then her daughter drops them off every afternoon before she goes to work, then is supposed to come get them after work but guess what often never shows up. So grandma being all nice is now raising 3 more kids for another 18 years, breakfast, transportation, pick ups, dinner, baths, homework, etc. She's stuck! Cuz she didn't do what this grandma did! Set boundaries. Cuz at first they're grateful and kind then after a month or so, they get comfortable and and treat u like u birthed the darn kids and don't care if ure tired, short on income, have to work, busy etc. It's now ur regular daily life.
Load More Replies... Since I havent seen it mentioned anywhere, OP pays her mother $4.79/hour for at least a weeks worth of 24 hour care, during "work trips".
To be fair, most grandparents happily watch grandkids for free, even for a week or two. It's just something they do because "family". I feel like the fact she has to pay means she's either abusing the privilege or... hmm nope. Just that.
Load More Replies... She said she "only" asks for once or twice a week, that's a lot to be asking, especially if she doesn't give much notice. I think her mother asked for payment to try and show her daughter she felt like she was being taken advantage of. It's a lot to take on and some compromise is needed. Until I got really sick I would only occasionally ask my parents to babysit and I lived with them and wouldn't go out in the evening until after I had done the bedtime routine and my daughter was asleep. They had to help me more after I got sick and I was so grateful because they were the stability kiddo needed whilst I was in and out of hospital.
You are willing to pay a stranger such as a babysitter why not your own family. They are not doormats for you to dump your problems of having no one last minute. YTA
Depends on culture I guess idk my Chinese mom expects me to pump a kid for her to babysit
My Slavic mom loves my child more than she loves me, which is a lot😅 sometimes she gets offended if I leave her alone for a couple of hours (she's big enough) instead of bringing her to granny's place in the other part of the town.
Load More Replies... She only babysits one or twice a week. Dude thats A LOT. Entitled mom, maybe cause you are used to her doing it for free. But still, come on.
The morons who are calling the people who are telling OP to pay her mother "boomers" is some hilarious s**t. As if "it happened in their day therefore I should also get it" isn't the most boomer mentality. Knowing your worth and expecting to be paid for it is something Millenials and zoomers are known for. How out of touch of a boomer are you for not recognizing the current labor and economic climate and just expect you to receive a benefit because the previous generation got it. They don't even acknowledge that OP is clearly taking advantage of mother.
I think grandma being “well-off” is immaterial; the woman’s mother is just pushing back and charging something so that the woman knows it’s not free.
I agree, I know one grandma that didn't do this and now all her daily free time is used for babysitting. Daily. She's older, tired, still working and her daily life is babysitting. She never set boundaries now it's her set daily life. She has to pick up her grandkids in morning so her lazy daughter can sleep, take them to school, then pick them up, mind u leaving her job to run n pick them up, then her daughter drops them off every afternoon before she goes to work, then is supposed to come get them after work but guess what often never shows up. So grandma being all nice is now raising 3 more kids for another 18 years, breakfast, transportation, pick ups, dinner, baths, homework, etc. She's stuck! Cuz she didn't do what this grandma did! Set boundaries. Cuz at first they're grateful and kind then after a month or so, they get comfortable and and treat u like u birthed the darn kids and don't care if ure tired, short on income, have to work, busy etc. It's now ur regular daily life.
Load More Replies... Woman up. You say you couldn't find another sitter on such short notice, which tells me you were willing to pay someone for their time. Personally, I would pay mum for her time & nurturing of my child before hiring out. I'm also a Boomer & my parents never babysat. I didn't babysit my Granddaughter either, but she spent her entire summers with us until she was 17 then, the occasional weekend. Pay your mum, she's not an anytime drop-in care facility or a sitter that really doesn't give 2 hoots about your child, mum loves her, sheesh...
I don't have children, but I don't like hearing people take grandparents for granted, as natural babysitters. They have a life too! Did you want children? It's up to you to keep them.
I agree, I know one grandma that didn't do this and now all her daily free time is used for babysitting. Daily. She's older, tired, still working and her daily life is babysitting. She never set boundaries now it's her set daily life. She has to pick up her grandkids in morning so her lazy daughter can sleep, take them to school, then pick them up, mind u leaving her job to run n pick them up, then her daughter drops them off every afternoon before she goes to work, then is supposed to come get them after work but guess what often never shows up. So grandma being all nice is now raising 3 more kids for another 18 years, breakfast, transportation, pick ups, dinner, baths, homework, etc. She's stuck! Cuz she didn't do what this grandma did! Set boundaries. Cuz at first they're grateful and kind then after a month or so, they get comfortable and and treat u like u birthed the darn kids and don't care if ure tired, short on income, have to work, busy etc. It's now ur regular daily life.
Load More Replies... I couldn't read that entire drivel. What a spoiled brat and I'm not talking about the child. Well, just the adult child whose supposed to be a mother to her daughter, and bring her places to run errands and show her daughter how things are done in the world.
Unpopular opinion here: humans are the only species (or so I'm told) that outlives their reproductive years. There has to be a reason for that. When my children have children of their own, my only reason to exist is to help my children to ensure their children grow up healthy.
know one grandma that didn't do this and now all her daily free time is used for babysitting. Daily. She's older, tired, still working and her daily life is babysitting. She never set boundaries now it's her set daily life. She has to pick up her grandkids in morning so her lazy daughter can sleep, take them to school, then pick them up, mind u leaving her job to run n pick them up, then her daughter drops them off every afternoon before she goes to work, then is supposed to come get them after work but guess what often never shows up. So grandma being all nice is now raising 3 more kids for another 18 years, breakfast, transportation, pick ups, dinner, baths, homework, etc. She's stuck! Cuz she didn't do what this grandma did! Set boundaries. Cuz at first they're grateful and kind then after a month or so, they get comfortable and treat u like u birthed the darn kids and don't care if ure tired, short on income, have to work, busy etc. She was so upset when sharing this with us
Load More Replies... My mother took early retirement so my sister could work. My mother provided free childcare for the youngest from the day he was born, after school care for the older 3, AND cooked dinner for her family (all 5 of them) FOR NINE YEARS. She never even asked for money to help buy groceries to feed them with. One day, my mother needed to see a specialist about a medical issue. She could only get an afternoon appointment, so she told my sister that she needed to make plans for the boys that day. My sister had the audacity to complain about the inconvenience and cost of finding someone with 3 days notice. That is when my mother sat down with her calculator and presented my sister with an invoice of $53,236 for 9 years of childcare and dinner service (and I think she undercharged). My sister was flabbergasted, and my mother informed her that since she had taken my mother for granted and been ungrateful, she was going to start charging my sister $250/week for after school care and dinner servic
Asking you mom to babysit because you work is one thing but asking her to babysit just to run errands is taking advantage.
know one grandma that didn't do this and now all her daily free time is used for babysitting. Daily. She's older, tired, still working and her daily life is babysitting. She never set boundaries now it's her set daily life. She has to pick up her grandkids in morning so her lazy daughter can sleep, take them to school, then pick them up, mind u leaving her job to run n pick them up, then her daughter drops them off every afternoon before she goes to work, then is supposed to come get them after work but guess what often never shows up. So grandma being all nice is now raising 3 more kids for another 18 years, breakfast, transportation, pick ups, dinner, baths, homework, etc. She's stuck! Cuz she didn't do what this grandma did! Set boundaries. Cuz at first they're grateful and kind then after a month or so, they get comfortable and treat u like u birthed the darn kids and don't care if ure tired, short on income, have to work, busy etc. It's now ur regular daily life.
Load More Replies... My mother and MIL would never have accepted money to care for my daughter but MIL had 2 adult granddaughters, a 14 year old granddaughter and an 11 year old granddaughter when mine was born and had always taken care of them whenever she was free. They were both retired and my parents were both disabled so when I wasn’t at work I took care of them and of my daughter so they were more than happy to help without payment. I had a lot of family members helping, even my daughter’s cousins who loved having a new baby. Not once did I TELL anyone that I needed them to look after my child. Especially to go and meet a friend. It doesn’t matter how well off the grandmother is, taking advantage is taking advantage.
First off I have to say "your mom isn't your free, any time, built-in babysitter". I read a majority of the responses and I have to say Boomers were not terrible and selfish parents. My parents rarely asked my grandparents to babysit, the only time we went over to visit is when my grandma asked if my parents would bring us over. When I was a young, single mom my mom would babysit my firstborn on occasion. I would try to pay her but she always refused. So I would buy her groceries instead. YTA when you assume your mom will watch your child last minute, free if charge. Your mom raised you, you had a baby, that baby/child is your responsibility not your mother's. Grandparents have a life of their own, some even work. When you need a last minute sitter and you expect your mom to watch your child you're intruding on her time. Maybe she has to cancel her plans or call into work sick. Her time is valuable and you're taking advantage of her! Shame on you, pay your mother for her time!
I for enjoy every moment I can with my grandchild. Right now it's every Tuesday & maybe other days too out the week. Sometimes we go out to eat, some times eat @ home. As 4 babysitting (getting to spend more time together) I do not ask 2 be paid. My daughter ask way in advance if free, which about 90% I am
"I had to bring her with me when I met my friend." So this wasn't a work thing or anything formal, it was her meeting with friends. What kind of bad parent dumps their kid on someone else repeatedly, doesn't pay them and feels entitled to do this whenever they feel like? The g-ma charging is her way of saying to her daughter that she needs to start acting more responsibly and less entitled. When you have a child, that child comes first, not hanging out with your friends. And you ask someone if they can watch your kid, you don't tell them they'll be doing it. So tired of entitled parents. Don't have kids if you don't want the responsibility.
Why can’t she plan her “errands” during the time she supposedly has a paid nanny? She said the child support from her ex barely covers basic needs, but that means it does cover them, so is mom not also contributing to her daughter’s needs? If she has a PAID nanny I’m assuming she works and isn’t on government assistance so why is there no more money to offer mom if dad already covering kids food and general upkeep? Sounds like she might be mad her “errands” (eg likely lunch or drinks with friends, maybe a salon or nail appointment) wouldn’t be financially possible if she has to pay her mom for care. What a selfish little urchin. I bet SHE won’t be willing to watch her own daughter’s kids someday either for nothing, she doesn’t seem like she’d sacrifice anything for family but she sure expects them to do it. I don’t like her.
I have a feeling this may have nothing to do with money at all, or how much she is asking her mother to babysit. It is probably about the way this woman is treating her mother in general. Does she only call her mom when she needs/ wants her to watch the grand? If she doesn't make an effort to connect with her mom and have a caring relationship with her unless she needs something, grandma might just be feeling used. If my kid was treating me as nothing more than an employee, I'd want to be paid too.
Yes! I think that you are just expecting Grandma to babysit and not asking her. Maybe it was not convenient, maybe she had plans. maybe you are just being entitled. The Grandma card does not mean a free babysitter for life. It does not matter what Grandma's age is, she may not be feeling well. Maybe she does not have enough patience to watch the child. Ask her, and have a good discussion about everything. Hit the baby daddy up for more child support specifying daycare cost. If you did not have time to pre-plan for a sitter, it must not be work-related. Maybe your mom would like you to take her to lunch or bring over some takeout. You know, make her feel special!
I have read many of the comments and one thing the mother should understand is that her mother is getting OLDER. I know that I won't babysit anymore because of that reason. Did she notice that?
Site openly admitted to her entitlement in the first line of the 2nd paragraph. I "TOLD" my mom "I NEEDED" her to watch my daughter.....STA
My husband and I watch our grandchild 2 days a week. The baby stays overnight. He is 15 months old and still gets up during the night. We love every minute, but it is a lot of work. I'm 60+ and work full time. My husband is retired. I make the baby food from scratch as I believe it's best for his growth. If he's not here, we might have leftovers for lunch and popcorn for dinner. We actively play with our grandchild, bathe him and do his laundry. It is definitely more work on the days he's with us. Sounds like the daughter was not asking her if she was available, but telling her mom ( grandma ) she was babysitting. There is a huge difference. Maybe grandma had some plans of her own! I also think the granddaughter is at grandma's house much more often than she is telling us in her story. I'd love to get the grandmothers side of the story!
Couple of questions need to be asked: 1 Are you social with your mother full time or has contact become only when you need a babysitting favor. 2 I might have missed i
Anyone saying yta has a crappy relationship with their family
My mother watches her great grandkids a few times a week. She doesn't ask for monetary payment, but when she needs help with something, like, having her car taken to the mechanic, or picking up a few things from the grocery, or fixing the lock on her front door, she feels free to ask for that help. And the parents are more than willing to assist her. And it's not like "I'll watch the kids if you do something for me in return". She loves being with the greats. It's a good time of bonding for all of them. And the greats love the time together just as much.
YTA, no question about it. If you're not getting enough In child support, it's time to go back to court (since he's not involved in any other way). Maybe you need to take mom out and show her appreciation. I had a MIL that straight out said, "I will not be a babysitter " and it was OK (she wouldn't follow food guidelines)
my son lives next door to me and my widowed dad lives on the other side of my house. most people find that out and exclaim 'omg! that must be terrible!' nope. it's because we have boundaries. yes. the son/dil, etc will pop over unannounced but it's not often. but, when it comes to watching their son (and their two dogs, btw) they always ask if i have plans or if i feel up to it. that makes all the difference. for the most part, it's never a problem & on the few times when i have had an appointment i tell them that i will have to take him with me. the only time i got annoyed was this last summer because my house is just not much fun for an 8 yr old. they had missed the time to register him for a summer program so there wasn't another option as they both work out of down and different shifts. and, my annoyance was based in that i had wanted to do somethings without the responsibility of caring for a kid, whether that means grabbing my fishing pole for a few quiet hours or something els
My grandparents had me with them most of the time on their farm when I was little because mom was a young single mom trying to pay the bills in the city. There’s no way they would have taken payment, it was their idea and I had a wonderful childhood. A loving mom that came home nearly every weekend and adoring grandparents, aunts and uncles. Yes, I was spoiled, but not a brat so they say. Mom has tended all of her grandkids plus a few strays that needed a bonus grandma. I’ve taken care of mine, both when parents were working and when they needed a night out or a vacation. With great joy. That being said, no one ever “told” any grandparent they were taking the kids. It was always a request or the grandparent’s idea. Even when I’m staying with one of my kids they always ask if it’s ok to leave, even for a few minutes. They’ll bring me dinner or a treat home, and never let me buy my own dinner if we go out.
Load More Replies... According to OP, grandma is "well-off", so she didn't need the money to watch her kid??? How about it's GRANDMA who probably had her own plans all made up (Dr appt, shopping with friends, going on a day trip, etc), only for OP to suddenly come by with baby in tow, and dropping baby off with a rushed explanation, a brief kiss and a promise to be back "in a couple hours"! That throws everything off kilter for grandma, who now had to cancel HER plans in order to settle down a crying child, while mommy gets to do her thing! OP should remember that grandma has a life too, and respect it!
Perhaps you are treating her as an employee to some degree. I don't think you intend to. However your saying you need hrr to come watch your daughter sounded more like telling than adking. I've been in a position somewhat like thus. I would have done anything if asked. But sometimes the ask was more of a direction that you woukd give an employee. Although I never asked for money. I coukd see feeling like if yoy treat me as an employee I'll charge you. It sounds like errands and her babysitting could have be pre-arranged with the mother taking part in the planning process.
Grandparents have lives too. So if her life is put on hold some of those babysitting days, she should get paid. Also, maybe she needs extra money and charging for her services is the only way to make extra money. Just some thoughts.
Sounds like OP is demanding. "Only once to twice a week" where she demands her mother watch her kid? Yeesh! Ask her nicely, set up fun things for them, and offer her compensation. Or OP can learn to be a mother and take her child on errands. If the child is a handful, then maybe she's not doing a very good job parenting her.
She has a nanny for the kid. The daughter is not hurting for cash. She is just entitled.
Simple question: "Does the nanny work for free?" Then why should your mother when you use her as a replacement?
How much time is the mother away from the child? She has a nanny and still asks g-ma to watch her kid. 8 is a great age, they listen, they can walk, talk and laugh. Maybe g-ma is forcing the issue to make mom spend some actual time with her chilld.
If your mother demanded that you give her grandchildren, I’d say you’re entitled to demand free childcare from her. If not, then you need to pay her.
I am an American 69 year old grandmother who drives 42 miles roundtrip to help care for my 2 year old grandchild for 6 hours on Sundays (so my daughter and son-in-law can have time off together from parenting duties), as well as every Monday, Tuesday and recently added Fridays, 5- 6 hours each day. I pay for my own gas, bring my own lunch and don't expect payment; none has any been offered. However, even though I am retired from gainful employment, childcare has begun to feel like a part time job and I find myself exhausted on the few days I do have to myself to do things I need to do. I worked full-time when my children were little, they went to paid preschool/sitters and then public school. I changed my work hours to accommodate their schedules and attend after school activities. My parents and in-laws lived too far away. Visits with them were family time, not babysitting time. Parenting is a 24/7 responsibility that many young people don't seem to comprehend today.
I wonder if this is a cultural thing. I find it absolutely bizarre that a grandparent would ever expect payment to look after their grandchild. Like really completely and utterly bizarre. And at 8 years old it's not even like it's hard work to look after her. No diapers and bottles and putting her down for naps. Just make sure she's fed and not burning the house down.
I have a feeling grandma doesn't really want to be paid. Grandma just wants her time to be respected. OP is calling her up at the last minute once or twice a week and not asking, but getting her to babysit. Grandma is just tired of being taken advantage of.
Load More Replies... Someone who is seen as a convenience and not as family.
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