This Person Explains Why Children From Abusive Families Analyze Every Single Detail And It’s Heartbreaking
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It is a well-known fact our families are one of the guiding factors that shape our personalities while we’re growing up. Parents raise us to the best of their abilities, but these abilities may vary, and some poor kids grow up in more than unwanted household situations. Recently, Dawson, an LA-bases genderqueer writer shared a story about how growing up with mentally unstable parents can shape your personality and can even turn you into a person who over analyzes.
“I’ve been writing since I was old enough to spell, it is at the core of who I am as a person. I always joke that I write my tangled experiences and feelings into straight lines…which is why I write so much about my personal experiences from abusive relationships. It’s self-reflection and catharsis and storytelling and poetry and sharing. The sharing is important to me. Sometimes people write to tell me how much something I wrote impacted them or clarified something for them and that’s one of my biggest goals in my writing…for people to know they aren’t alone. Lonely as life can be…we’re out here. We’re surviving. And sometimes…that’s all you have to do. Stand up and say “I survived. You can too.” That’s the best I have to offer, I think,” Dawson told Bored Panda on his experiences of abusive parents and living in poverty as a kid.
Scroll down to read the full text on mental illness affected parents, raising kids and surviving it all.
More info: geekdawson | Facebook image credits: Mojpe, Steve White
Dawson is a California-based writer who received a lot of attention online after sharing a short text
The story reflects on how growing up with mentally unstable parents can shape your personality
Image credits: bernafe
Many people were touched by Dawson’s text
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I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I didn't realize how damaging this was until about 15 years ago. She committed suicide at 91. It was her last f* you to the family. We found a "hate" journal, full of every negative we children had ever done, in her opinion. It was evil. I lost my entire family when she died. I struggle every day with depression and anxiety, it is a never ending battle. Thank you for sharing your perspective. It is on target.
She sounds like a real charmer. My father committed suicide in 1997 - about a month after he discovered that no one wanted to be around him. He'd hurt everyone in his orbit so badly that even casual acquaintances refused to answer his phone calls. It wasn't his fault according to the note. It was mine.
Oh my. I had an absolutely wonderful childhood myself, and it took me many years to realize that one of my friends was not what she made out to be, but a psychopathic narcissist who sees everybody around her as being hers to use and abuse. Nothing was ever her fault. Once, when I demanded that she start paying back the money she had borrowed she retorted that when she borrowed it, she had hoped to pay it back, adding "and it is the intention that counts." NO, was my answer, it is always and only the result that counts! For a moment or two, she actually seemed shaken by that terrible thought, but then quickly regained her composure. I pity her two grown-up daughters.
You cannot forgive - you cannot forget - the abuser is sick and needs the help they will not ask for
Please tell me you have gotten lots of therapy. There's a line for all of us. We can manage our crap to that line and then we need help.
I feel so sorry you had to deal with that sort of accusation. Adult people are fully responsible for themselves, their actions and interactions. What a shame to put it on you.
I totally know the feeling. My Mother is a Narcissist with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am only child, and the adults in my life (father, aunts and uncles) would just ignore her when she was lashing out, and just leave me with her. Now that I am nearly 30, have stopped talking to her, and dealing with my own Depression and Anxiety, she sings her sad song to all of them, and I have them all telling me how I need to move on and forgive her and speak to her again. The very people who looked the other way when I was abused as a child, and know exactly how horrible she is, tell me that I need to accept her back into my life.
Oh Ahkilah, you and only you know what it was like to live with your mother. I am sorry that the rest of your family looked away and pretended not to notice anything. I am not related to you, or know you, but all I can say is - all YOU NEED to do is to continue to take care of yourself because that is what you've been doing so far. You should only have one goal in life - to be as happy as you can. "In life, you can only choose your friends." Good luck :)
Continued...sorry..... I babble.... //// .... Anyone who tells you that you need to "forgive" your abuser has no bloody idea what they're talking about. They didn't live in that house, they were not subject to what you are, and if they tell you that you "have" to "forgive", then they are NOT acting in your best interest. I can tell you right now that only YOU know what your best interest really is. /// If you have to, stop talking to them. In time, you need to learn to stop renting them space in your head. Whatever you're feeling is something you have a right to feel. You DO have a right to be angry, and there are some things that can never be forgiven. /// I'm 55. I know where you are, I've been there. Walk away. Make a life that YOU own, and never look back. That is your right.
Remember that DNA does NOT make "family". If you're related to someone that you'd cross the street to avoid, you are fully justified in never talking to them again. /// My mother died in May. She did not cover herself in glory as a parent, to say the least. My father physically abused me, and mentally abused the entire family and she let it happen. Her entire life was a series of bad choices, and while I feel sorry for her and I know where she was coming from, that does not justify what she did - and chose not to do, which is protect me. /// I only found out after the funeral that she always believed that I was lying about my father's abuse, until about ten years ago, when a neighbour told her she'd seen it happening. My godmother, one of Mom's friends, my cousin...they all told me that they would have believed me if I'd told them, but by then I'd been well-trained not to say a word. Call someone a liar often enough, and we learn to shut up. /// You do NOT "owe" your mother a thing.
You stand strong. I am in your boat. After nearly 50 years of that kind of abuse from my parents, I walked away. They do this to this day... just this morning I hear that Mother Dearest was whining to someone about how she has NO IDEA why I won't communicate anymore. And, how she learned that her granddaughter (my oldest girl) died in a car accident from her brother. Yes, that's on me. But, the reason I did not call her was because of the NASTY STUFF she and my father and sister did after my younger daughter was injured severely in Afghanistan... Really, really crappy stuff, that I won't get into here. They pushed me to the edge of suicide. I finally realized that for my own survival, and for the sake of the husband and children who actually DID love me, I had to break that stuff off. Its TOXIC. And like you, there were lots of people who turned a blind eye to the abuse when I was growing up. No one would say or DO anything. It just continued. I'm free now. Like you.
Seems like they're still looking the other way, cowards that should have protected you, stay strong and look after yourself.
Just cut them all out of your life; live YOUR life for YOU. Remember to love yourself - you deserve it! xxxx
Keep in mind you can forgive from a distance and never contact her again. I am sorry you bore this weight alone. I hope you find supportive friends to guide you so you can avoid toxic people in your life.
Your behavior isn’t about forgiving or not forgiving. It’s about protecting yourself from the abuser. If you like, you may forgive me – or not – for over-analyzing your relatives, because I know very well that’s what I’m doing: I don’t think they care whether you forgive your mother, so much as they want an excuse to forgive themselves for abandoning you. If you “forgive” her, they’ll feel that it wasn’t so bad that they abandoned you. Then they’ll feel that they’re forgiven too – not that they’ll ever admit to themselves that this is what it’s all about.
Juli this sounds like your mother was the reason you lost your family. I hope she didn't poison them against you or something. I have a narcissistic mother in law. I am gratefull that we do not live with her anymore because I changed so much for the worst when we did. I would't have been able to cope any longer with her. I can't imagine how it is for actual children with such a mother. :(
Hi Juli, I am very sorry you had to go through all that and still have to deal with the consequences to this day. Not just you, your whole family. I'm not a doctor or an expert on mental health of any kind, and I don't know the whole story of course. But I think your mother probably had some mental problems, I think she hated herself the most. And I think she spread all that hatred throughout your family so she would feel less and she would hurt less. I've known a few people like that, in my own family. I apologize if this offends or hurts you in any way, that is not my intention. My stand point is that if you try to understand just a little bit the reasons behind someone's actions/words, it might help you process it internally. It helps me a bit. It doesn't mean forgive and forget, but just that - understand. Not offering a cure, just maybe a different perspective for you. For your health. Because these things, they just sit and fester in our hearts, in our mind.
A lot of people make the same mistake you do. It doesn't bloody matter WHY her abusers attack her. It ONLY matters what they did and what they're doing. Stop making excuses for abuse. There is NEVER an excuse to abuse someone, ever. ....///... Her mother's problems are HERS to deal with. Analyzing her is a stupid waste of time.The effect she has had on her child what this is about it. The OP 's experience is the ONLY thing that's relevant here..
I agree with you if understanding that there are mental problems, ie mental illness, or different mental wiring, can make a victim, especially if that victim is the child, move on and stop trying to find what made any particular incident happen has the potential to bring a lot of good. It is simply NOT the victim's fault.
I would say 91 is leaving it a bit late...
Wow. I hope you've gotten lots of therapy so you can leave her behind.
She sounds like a clone of my paternal grandmother. :(
This comment has been deleted.
I know the huge mood-antenna very well. And I knew where it came from, too. But I never thought of it to be a common and absolutely sense-making strategy of kids that had to deal with that kind of shit. I admire the determination in the authors choice of ignoring subtext whatsoever. I try to, too but reading this inspired me to do it even stricter and with a better feeling of being allowed to make that choice. Thank you so much for sharing.
My husband has hyper-vigilance like this from his mentally and emotionally abusive step-father. He never knew if or when anything would come at him, there was never any real rhyme or reason to the punishments he received. He's calmed down a lot over the past 18 years, but he does have a debilitating anxiety disorder now, feels like "the world" is out to get him and is judging him, and every tiny anything on my face when we're talking means something negative, even when (as far as I'm aware) my face hasn't changed from one moment to the next.
Is he getting help? Has had help? I hope so.
He does see a therapist every week. He has proven to be medication intolerant thus far, but we keep trying when something new comes out.
I totally understand. I am that way, too. Through therapy, I am beginning to catch myself. I constantly remind my husband that nothing I am doing is because of him. I tell him to please try not to do the eggshell walking.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I didn't realize how damaging this was until about 15 years ago. She committed suicide at 91. It was her last f* you to the family. We found a "hate" journal, full of every negative we children had ever done, in her opinion. It was evil. I lost my entire family when she died. I struggle every day with depression and anxiety, it is a never ending battle. Thank you for sharing your perspective. It is on target.
She sounds like a real charmer. My father committed suicide in 1997 - about a month after he discovered that no one wanted to be around him. He'd hurt everyone in his orbit so badly that even casual acquaintances refused to answer his phone calls. It wasn't his fault according to the note. It was mine.
Oh my. I had an absolutely wonderful childhood myself, and it took me many years to realize that one of my friends was not what she made out to be, but a psychopathic narcissist who sees everybody around her as being hers to use and abuse. Nothing was ever her fault. Once, when I demanded that she start paying back the money she had borrowed she retorted that when she borrowed it, she had hoped to pay it back, adding "and it is the intention that counts." NO, was my answer, it is always and only the result that counts! For a moment or two, she actually seemed shaken by that terrible thought, but then quickly regained her composure. I pity her two grown-up daughters.
You cannot forgive - you cannot forget - the abuser is sick and needs the help they will not ask for
Please tell me you have gotten lots of therapy. There's a line for all of us. We can manage our crap to that line and then we need help.
I feel so sorry you had to deal with that sort of accusation. Adult people are fully responsible for themselves, their actions and interactions. What a shame to put it on you.
I totally know the feeling. My Mother is a Narcissist with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am only child, and the adults in my life (father, aunts and uncles) would just ignore her when she was lashing out, and just leave me with her. Now that I am nearly 30, have stopped talking to her, and dealing with my own Depression and Anxiety, she sings her sad song to all of them, and I have them all telling me how I need to move on and forgive her and speak to her again. The very people who looked the other way when I was abused as a child, and know exactly how horrible she is, tell me that I need to accept her back into my life.
Oh Ahkilah, you and only you know what it was like to live with your mother. I am sorry that the rest of your family looked away and pretended not to notice anything. I am not related to you, or know you, but all I can say is - all YOU NEED to do is to continue to take care of yourself because that is what you've been doing so far. You should only have one goal in life - to be as happy as you can. "In life, you can only choose your friends." Good luck :)
Continued...sorry..... I babble.... //// .... Anyone who tells you that you need to "forgive" your abuser has no bloody idea what they're talking about. They didn't live in that house, they were not subject to what you are, and if they tell you that you "have" to "forgive", then they are NOT acting in your best interest. I can tell you right now that only YOU know what your best interest really is. /// If you have to, stop talking to them. In time, you need to learn to stop renting them space in your head. Whatever you're feeling is something you have a right to feel. You DO have a right to be angry, and there are some things that can never be forgiven. /// I'm 55. I know where you are, I've been there. Walk away. Make a life that YOU own, and never look back. That is your right.
Remember that DNA does NOT make "family". If you're related to someone that you'd cross the street to avoid, you are fully justified in never talking to them again. /// My mother died in May. She did not cover herself in glory as a parent, to say the least. My father physically abused me, and mentally abused the entire family and she let it happen. Her entire life was a series of bad choices, and while I feel sorry for her and I know where she was coming from, that does not justify what she did - and chose not to do, which is protect me. /// I only found out after the funeral that she always believed that I was lying about my father's abuse, until about ten years ago, when a neighbour told her she'd seen it happening. My godmother, one of Mom's friends, my cousin...they all told me that they would have believed me if I'd told them, but by then I'd been well-trained not to say a word. Call someone a liar often enough, and we learn to shut up. /// You do NOT "owe" your mother a thing.
You stand strong. I am in your boat. After nearly 50 years of that kind of abuse from my parents, I walked away. They do this to this day... just this morning I hear that Mother Dearest was whining to someone about how she has NO IDEA why I won't communicate anymore. And, how she learned that her granddaughter (my oldest girl) died in a car accident from her brother. Yes, that's on me. But, the reason I did not call her was because of the NASTY STUFF she and my father and sister did after my younger daughter was injured severely in Afghanistan... Really, really crappy stuff, that I won't get into here. They pushed me to the edge of suicide. I finally realized that for my own survival, and for the sake of the husband and children who actually DID love me, I had to break that stuff off. Its TOXIC. And like you, there were lots of people who turned a blind eye to the abuse when I was growing up. No one would say or DO anything. It just continued. I'm free now. Like you.
Seems like they're still looking the other way, cowards that should have protected you, stay strong and look after yourself.
Just cut them all out of your life; live YOUR life for YOU. Remember to love yourself - you deserve it! xxxx
Keep in mind you can forgive from a distance and never contact her again. I am sorry you bore this weight alone. I hope you find supportive friends to guide you so you can avoid toxic people in your life.
Your behavior isn’t about forgiving or not forgiving. It’s about protecting yourself from the abuser. If you like, you may forgive me – or not – for over-analyzing your relatives, because I know very well that’s what I’m doing: I don’t think they care whether you forgive your mother, so much as they want an excuse to forgive themselves for abandoning you. If you “forgive” her, they’ll feel that it wasn’t so bad that they abandoned you. Then they’ll feel that they’re forgiven too – not that they’ll ever admit to themselves that this is what it’s all about.
Juli this sounds like your mother was the reason you lost your family. I hope she didn't poison them against you or something. I have a narcissistic mother in law. I am gratefull that we do not live with her anymore because I changed so much for the worst when we did. I would't have been able to cope any longer with her. I can't imagine how it is for actual children with such a mother. :(
Hi Juli, I am very sorry you had to go through all that and still have to deal with the consequences to this day. Not just you, your whole family. I'm not a doctor or an expert on mental health of any kind, and I don't know the whole story of course. But I think your mother probably had some mental problems, I think she hated herself the most. And I think she spread all that hatred throughout your family so she would feel less and she would hurt less. I've known a few people like that, in my own family. I apologize if this offends or hurts you in any way, that is not my intention. My stand point is that if you try to understand just a little bit the reasons behind someone's actions/words, it might help you process it internally. It helps me a bit. It doesn't mean forgive and forget, but just that - understand. Not offering a cure, just maybe a different perspective for you. For your health. Because these things, they just sit and fester in our hearts, in our mind.
A lot of people make the same mistake you do. It doesn't bloody matter WHY her abusers attack her. It ONLY matters what they did and what they're doing. Stop making excuses for abuse. There is NEVER an excuse to abuse someone, ever. ....///... Her mother's problems are HERS to deal with. Analyzing her is a stupid waste of time.The effect she has had on her child what this is about it. The OP 's experience is the ONLY thing that's relevant here..
I agree with you if understanding that there are mental problems, ie mental illness, or different mental wiring, can make a victim, especially if that victim is the child, move on and stop trying to find what made any particular incident happen has the potential to bring a lot of good. It is simply NOT the victim's fault.
I would say 91 is leaving it a bit late...
Wow. I hope you've gotten lots of therapy so you can leave her behind.
She sounds like a clone of my paternal grandmother. :(
This comment has been deleted.
I know the huge mood-antenna very well. And I knew where it came from, too. But I never thought of it to be a common and absolutely sense-making strategy of kids that had to deal with that kind of shit. I admire the determination in the authors choice of ignoring subtext whatsoever. I try to, too but reading this inspired me to do it even stricter and with a better feeling of being allowed to make that choice. Thank you so much for sharing.
My husband has hyper-vigilance like this from his mentally and emotionally abusive step-father. He never knew if or when anything would come at him, there was never any real rhyme or reason to the punishments he received. He's calmed down a lot over the past 18 years, but he does have a debilitating anxiety disorder now, feels like "the world" is out to get him and is judging him, and every tiny anything on my face when we're talking means something negative, even when (as far as I'm aware) my face hasn't changed from one moment to the next.
Is he getting help? Has had help? I hope so.
He does see a therapist every week. He has proven to be medication intolerant thus far, but we keep trying when something new comes out.
I totally understand. I am that way, too. Through therapy, I am beginning to catch myself. I constantly remind my husband that nothing I am doing is because of him. I tell him to please try not to do the eggshell walking.