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Woman’s Ultimatum Backfires When BF Chooses Sister’s Wedding Over Her Birthday Party
All too often, we’re forced to pick between two things, be it what to order at a restaurant or who to give your time. Choices aren’t easy, particularly when, generally, there are more things to do than there is time. Relationships are often the ultimate test of this, so much so that not prioritizing things correctly can and will cause actual conflict.
A netizen asked if he was wrong to prioritize attending his sister’s wedding instead of his girlfriend’s birthday. Conflict arose when the GF decided to issue an ultimatum over this, while readers did their best to give some advice and suggestions in the comments.
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Sometimes it can feel like life is shoving too many things into one’s plate
Image credits: Jayson Hinrichsen (not the actual image)
So one man had to deal with a very unhappy GF when he wanted to attend his sister’s wedding over her birthday
Image credits: Ahmed (not the actual image)
Image credits: cookie_studio (not the actual image)
Image credits: weirdbutok__
Ultimatums are not really associated with things going well
Getting an ultimatum in a relationship feels a bit like being shoved onto a game show you never signed up for, except instead of winning a car, you’re just trying not to end up single. It’s rarely a casual, low-stakes moment. No one gives an ultimatum over something mundane, everyday. If they do, run, that’s a pretty huge red flag. . It’s usually something big, often, like in this story, related to attention, priorities and time. And suddenly, the relationship isn’t a partnership anymore, it’s a ticking time bomb, and you’re now on the hook to defuse it.
Even if the demand is reasonable, it still stings. Because an ultimatum doesn’t just say “I need this.” It says “You have no other options but to comply or walk away.” It turns love into a transaction, where one person is the boss and the other is scrambling to meet the requirements, reasonable or not. Of course, sometimes ultimatums are necessary, when someone refuses to change harmful behavior, for instance. But other times, they’re just a shortcut for avoiding real communication. Instead of talking, compromising, and figuring things out together, one person decides it’s their way or the highway.
And when you’re on the receiving end? It’s lonely. It makes you question if your choices matter or if you were just here to fill a role. Because even if you do end up meeting the demand, there’s always that lingering feeling of uncertainty, did you pick the “right” option or were you coerced into it.
Image credits: mandriapix (not the actual image)
But some readers jumped to conclusions a bit early
As many commenters note, the girlfriend being upset isn’t unreasonable, particularly if she was really looking forward to her birthday, however, turning it into an ultimatum was the real issue. Importantly, this wasn’t some understandable demand like “stop texting other girls” but a choice between her and his family. As he posted, his sister is, hopefully, only getting married once, this is not something you can miss. A birthday, as important as it might seem, comes around every single year.
This isn’t to disregard her feelings, but she has to remember that her BF’s sister was there first. This is not the sort of relationship she can just butt in on. There are cases of someone being all too close with their family, to the point where it’s “weird” but attending your sibling’s wedding is a very normal thing to do.
Fortunately, as he shares in a small update, she did seem to come around. Many comments suggested he break up with her for issuing an ultimatum which can be good advice, however, all too many netizens are eager to give suggestions with long-lasting consequences without actually knowing the situation.
Image credits: vh-studio (not the actual image)
Some folks needed more info
Many saw his point of view
Some thought everyone was being unreasonable
Some thought he needed to prioritize his GF
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What do you think ?
The Other Guest 12 months ago
She may be celebrating her "full adult" birthday, but she sure isn't acting like one. I get it, him missing the party is a big disappointment, but that doesn't justify sobbing like an infant and issuing an ultimatum. Is that how she plans to "solve" every conflict?
François Bouzigues 12 months ago
Lets see... 100% chance OP sister will always be his sister. 100% a wedding is a bigger / more meaning full event than a birthday 100% a new birthday will come every year. True question is. If situations were opposite, would you simply not cancel / postpone your birthday so that she does not miss her brother wedding ?
LB 12 months ago
I'm conflicted though. Like, why did the sister not check with OP before rescheduling? Is that weekend really the only option for them? What about an extra week earlier, or one week later? I mean, it's her only sibling... I know my sister would be really hurt her BF suddenly decided to go to his sister's wedding on her 30th, because it means that much to her.
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Jumping Jellyfishes 12 months ago
Ah! Thanks to my big bro, who, when I was fresh into teenagehood taught me anyone saying, "If you loved me, you'd do ___" to you was a manipulating red flag. Over-dramatic ultimatums like this fall in this category and should never be used unless you're truly ready to have the relationship end over said issue.
G A 12 months ago
21st? Jebus Fvcking Christ. Children. Barely out of nappies. What a drama queen.
Petra D. 12 months ago
When he said important milestone I was thinking maybe 40, but then, maybe I'm just old haha
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Earonn - 12 months ago
How "committed" is he to his GF of 2 years that his sister doesn't know about her upcoming big birthday? Not even the big party, just the birthday itself? And doesn't invite his GF? Is GF not "family"?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 12 months ago
I was with my ex-boyfriend for 23 years and I guarantee you that my sister still has no idea when his birthday is. When you're an adult, your siblings' partners' birth dates aren't always a thing you automatically learn/pay attention to, especially if your sibling's partner celebrates mostly with their own friends/family and doesn't have a huge birthday bash where everyone is invited. OP mentioned flights/flying, so I assume that his sister doesn't live close to him - there's absolutely no overt reason why she would or should know her brother's girlfriend's birth date, especially since they've only been together for two years. Also, not sure where you're getting the "doesn't invite his GF" part - OP doesn't say that his sister DIDN'T invite his GF to attend her wedding as her brother's plus-one.
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George Costanza 12 months ago
There is no situation in which girlfriend's bday trumps sister's wedding unless the OP hates his sister or is no-contact with his sister. Your adult bday is meaningless in comparison to a wedding. Get over it.
ThisIsMe 12 months ago
AT 21, she needs to start acting like an adult and understand that things happen (the health issues that impacted the wedding). Yeah, it sucks not to be two places at once, but it cannot be helped and OP is offering reasonable solutions. The wedding was not rescheduled to disrespect her birthday, for heaven's sake!
LakotaWolf (she/her) 12 months ago
I can confidently say that, having just turned 43 (my birthday was on the 22nd), I can't remember a single frigging thing about my 21st birthday. And I don't view turning 21 as a "milestone birthday" any more, except for the fact that I was now legally old enough to drink and gamble in Las Vegas, but not old enough to rent a car XD I know at age 20, it seems like life or death to GF that OP be there for her 21st birthday, and her 21st birthday may actually feel like a "milestone" to her. But she's still maturing emotionally. And the way OP phrased it that GF has "always felt her birthdays haven’t been celebrated properly in the past" - that may just be poor phrasing, but that is a SCARY concept if it's true. Note it's that SHE felt her birthdays haven't been celebrated properly in the past. That's a bit of a warning that she wants her birthdays to be the most event in the world.
Lady Eowyn 12 months ago
Agree. I'm 70. I don't even remember my 60th birthday, LOL. With any luck, the wedding will be a once-in-a-lifetime event for his sister. The GF will have other birthdays. It's not that big a deal. No, a GF isn't "family" the way a sister is. YA commenters are, as usual, AHs themselves.
Load More Replies... Robin Roper 12 months ago
There could be no bigger red flag waved in front of OP - he should run as fast as possible. GF is trouble.
KT 12 months ago
Wow. Just read his update. He went to the wdding and she texted him constantly with fake emergencies, sent him food with "wish you were here" all in a 24hour period, made passive aggressive comments when he got back about how she isn't a priority. And he is still with her unless it changed in the past couple weeks.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 12 months ago
Where did you find the update? OP's Reddit account is suspended, so I can't search their profile.
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millac 11 months ago
I agree with the anon answer: he isn't doing anything to compromise or make this right. He's told his girlfriend to do so, and is making her bear the cost of this, but hasn't himself. He didn't say he would take her out for some special thing he'd arrange at a different time, pay the cost of rescheduling, or that he'd try to fly back to make part of it, and he didn't even mention he was unavailable to the sister when the new date was still being kicked around. If the girlfriend has spent months planning and quite a lot of money, this is not so easy a thing as moving a dinner and cake cutting. He is looking for reasons to call her crazy and she can tell. It's a red flag on his side that his family didn't invite his girlfriend of two years or check the availability of their nearest and dearest. I have the feeling he'll think he has the moral high ground until he comes back and finds himself dumped because she spent her birthday getting more and more pissed at him and his family.
Laura A Ivett 11 months ago (edited)
Your girlfriend is a childish a*****e, her trying to pull a power move on you was trash. How dare her say you are prioritizing your family over her. Umm what? She is just a girlfriend; your sister is forever. If anyone gave me an ultimatum they would lose, your girlfriend didn't think that one thru because when you called her out, she backed down. She needs to grow up, the world doesn't revolve around her, I would rethink that whole relationship, life is too short to be with someone that tries to emotionally blackmail you, or manipulates you, "if you loved me you would", naw, hell no!!!..
Binny Tutera 11 months ago (edited)
The GF is turning 21. Most likely these 2 will not get married, they are young. And, f they do, will she be understanding if someone decides her wedding is not as important as a 21 yo's birthday party???
Bertha Madott 12 months ago
Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh. 21 and has the brains of a chicken. Break up. Good luck.
KT 12 months ago
Assuming this is in the states. A 21st birthday is only a milestone birthday in that you can now get legally drunk. That is it. Wedding is more important.
Thanos'Fingers 11 months ago
That's a big one in this country. You've sat with your problems for 21 years, it's time to wash them down. (not true high school drinking is RAMPANT)
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Max Fox 11 months ago
As usual, the YTA's are delusional and/or toxic. A 21st Birthday is not a wedding. It's a party, and the only reason that it's a "milestone" is because this fvcked up country is obsessed with controlling young people. Wooo-hooo she can drink legally. SUCH an important milestone. SOOOO much more important than a sister's wedding. The GF is an immature drama queen, and is manipulative as well. The YTA gang also all sound like a bunch of manipulative a$$holes.
Michelle Randazzo 11 months ago
Another All About Me snowflake! Run!!! Now!!! You get serious and married! You are in for an All About Me nightmare! She is the Princess and you are nothing.
antoinette maldari 12 months ago
I ask this to the YTA's; What if there wasn't any wedding, but the OP got sick or in some kind of (minor) accident on the day of the birthday event, would it be appropriate for the GF to throw her princess tantrum that he couldn't be there? Maybe (?) she would postpone it like she should have when there is a wedding (OP's SISTER)
The Other Guest 12 months ago
She may be celebrating her "full adult" birthday, but she sure isn't acting like one. I get it, him missing the party is a big disappointment, but that doesn't justify sobbing like an infant and issuing an ultimatum. Is that how she plans to "solve" every conflict?
François Bouzigues 12 months ago
Lets see... 100% chance OP sister will always be his sister. 100% a wedding is a bigger / more meaning full event than a birthday 100% a new birthday will come every year. True question is. If situations were opposite, would you simply not cancel / postpone your birthday so that she does not miss her brother wedding ?
LB 12 months ago
I'm conflicted though. Like, why did the sister not check with OP before rescheduling? Is that weekend really the only option for them? What about an extra week earlier, or one week later? I mean, it's her only sibling... I know my sister would be really hurt her BF suddenly decided to go to his sister's wedding on her 30th, because it means that much to her.
Load More Replies... Jumping Jellyfishes 12 months ago
Ah! Thanks to my big bro, who, when I was fresh into teenagehood taught me anyone saying, "If you loved me, you'd do ___" to you was a manipulating red flag. Over-dramatic ultimatums like this fall in this category and should never be used unless you're truly ready to have the relationship end over said issue.
G A 12 months ago
21st? Jebus Fvcking Christ. Children. Barely out of nappies. What a drama queen.
Petra D. 12 months ago
When he said important milestone I was thinking maybe 40, but then, maybe I'm just old haha
Load More Replies... Earonn - 12 months ago
How "committed" is he to his GF of 2 years that his sister doesn't know about her upcoming big birthday? Not even the big party, just the birthday itself? And doesn't invite his GF? Is GF not "family"?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 12 months ago
I was with my ex-boyfriend for 23 years and I guarantee you that my sister still has no idea when his birthday is. When you're an adult, your siblings' partners' birth dates aren't always a thing you automatically learn/pay attention to, especially if your sibling's partner celebrates mostly with their own friends/family and doesn't have a huge birthday bash where everyone is invited. OP mentioned flights/flying, so I assume that his sister doesn't live close to him - there's absolutely no overt reason why she would or should know her brother's girlfriend's birth date, especially since they've only been together for two years. Also, not sure where you're getting the "doesn't invite his GF" part - OP doesn't say that his sister DIDN'T invite his GF to attend her wedding as her brother's plus-one.
Load More Replies... George Costanza 12 months ago
There is no situation in which girlfriend's bday trumps sister's wedding unless the OP hates his sister or is no-contact with his sister. Your adult bday is meaningless in comparison to a wedding. Get over it.
ThisIsMe 12 months ago
AT 21, she needs to start acting like an adult and understand that things happen (the health issues that impacted the wedding). Yeah, it sucks not to be two places at once, but it cannot be helped and OP is offering reasonable solutions. The wedding was not rescheduled to disrespect her birthday, for heaven's sake!
LakotaWolf (she/her) 12 months ago
I can confidently say that, having just turned 43 (my birthday was on the 22nd), I can't remember a single frigging thing about my 21st birthday. And I don't view turning 21 as a "milestone birthday" any more, except for the fact that I was now legally old enough to drink and gamble in Las Vegas, but not old enough to rent a car XD I know at age 20, it seems like life or death to GF that OP be there for her 21st birthday, and her 21st birthday may actually feel like a "milestone" to her. But she's still maturing emotionally. And the way OP phrased it that GF has "always felt her birthdays haven’t been celebrated properly in the past" - that may just be poor phrasing, but that is a SCARY concept if it's true. Note it's that SHE felt her birthdays haven't been celebrated properly in the past. That's a bit of a warning that she wants her birthdays to be the most event in the world.
Lady Eowyn 12 months ago
Agree. I'm 70. I don't even remember my 60th birthday, LOL. With any luck, the wedding will be a once-in-a-lifetime event for his sister. The GF will have other birthdays. It's not that big a deal. No, a GF isn't "family" the way a sister is. YA commenters are, as usual, AHs themselves.
Load More Replies... Robin Roper 12 months ago
There could be no bigger red flag waved in front of OP - he should run as fast as possible. GF is trouble.
KT 12 months ago
Wow. Just read his update. He went to the wdding and she texted him constantly with fake emergencies, sent him food with "wish you were here" all in a 24hour period, made passive aggressive comments when he got back about how she isn't a priority. And he is still with her unless it changed in the past couple weeks.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 12 months ago
Where did you find the update? OP's Reddit account is suspended, so I can't search their profile.
Load More Replies... millac 11 months ago
I agree with the anon answer: he isn't doing anything to compromise or make this right. He's told his girlfriend to do so, and is making her bear the cost of this, but hasn't himself. He didn't say he would take her out for some special thing he'd arrange at a different time, pay the cost of rescheduling, or that he'd try to fly back to make part of it, and he didn't even mention he was unavailable to the sister when the new date was still being kicked around. If the girlfriend has spent months planning and quite a lot of money, this is not so easy a thing as moving a dinner and cake cutting. He is looking for reasons to call her crazy and she can tell. It's a red flag on his side that his family didn't invite his girlfriend of two years or check the availability of their nearest and dearest. I have the feeling he'll think he has the moral high ground until he comes back and finds himself dumped because she spent her birthday getting more and more pissed at him and his family.
Laura A Ivett 11 months ago (edited)
Your girlfriend is a childish a*****e, her trying to pull a power move on you was trash. How dare her say you are prioritizing your family over her. Umm what? She is just a girlfriend; your sister is forever. If anyone gave me an ultimatum they would lose, your girlfriend didn't think that one thru because when you called her out, she backed down. She needs to grow up, the world doesn't revolve around her, I would rethink that whole relationship, life is too short to be with someone that tries to emotionally blackmail you, or manipulates you, "if you loved me you would", naw, hell no!!!..
Binny Tutera 11 months ago (edited)
The GF is turning 21. Most likely these 2 will not get married, they are young. And, f they do, will she be understanding if someone decides her wedding is not as important as a 21 yo's birthday party???
Bertha Madott 12 months ago
Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh. 21 and has the brains of a chicken. Break up. Good luck.
KT 12 months ago
Assuming this is in the states. A 21st birthday is only a milestone birthday in that you can now get legally drunk. That is it. Wedding is more important.
Thanos'Fingers 11 months ago
That's a big one in this country. You've sat with your problems for 21 years, it's time to wash them down. (not true high school drinking is RAMPANT)
Load More Replies... Max Fox 11 months ago
As usual, the YTA's are delusional and/or toxic. A 21st Birthday is not a wedding. It's a party, and the only reason that it's a "milestone" is because this fvcked up country is obsessed with controlling young people. Wooo-hooo she can drink legally. SUCH an important milestone. SOOOO much more important than a sister's wedding. The GF is an immature drama queen, and is manipulative as well. The YTA gang also all sound like a bunch of manipulative a$$holes.
Michelle Randazzo 11 months ago
Another All About Me snowflake! Run!!! Now!!! You get serious and married! You are in for an All About Me nightmare! She is the Princess and you are nothing.
antoinette maldari 12 months ago
I ask this to the YTA's; What if there wasn't any wedding, but the OP got sick or in some kind of (minor) accident on the day of the birthday event, would it be appropriate for the GF to throw her princess tantrum that he couldn't be there? Maybe (?) she would postpone it like she should have when there is a wedding (OP's SISTER)
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