Man Visits Mom To Introduce Baby Son To Her, Is Met With Full-Blown Family Intervention Instead
The first sentence of Leo Tolstoy’s novel Anna Karenina reads: “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
I don’t know if we could call Reddit user Euphoric-Exam509‘s family unhappy quite yet, but it’s heading that way.
In a post on the subreddit ‘Am I the [Jerk]?’, the man said that because of their never-ending disagreements, he and his sister haven’t been talking for 5 years now.
Although he was fine with the no-contact, their mom was not. So she recently organized an impromptu intervention for her son, painting him as the bad guy.
He thought this was unfair and stormed off. However, this decision made him the family villain, and all the negative reactions planted doubts in his mind about its justifiability.
This man hasn’t been in contact with his sister for years
Image credits: ᕈ O W L Y (not the actual photo)
So his mom decided he needed an intervention
Image credits: christopher lemercier (not the actual photo)
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Euphoric-Exam509
As his post went viral, the man provided more information on the family conflict
Image credits: Naassom Azevedo (not the actual photo)
Experts say they’re witnessing a “silent epidemic” of family break-ups
“The declaration of ‘I am done’ with a family member is a powerful and distinct phenomenon,” says Karl Andrew Pillemer, professor of human development at Cornell University, US. “It is different from family feuds, from high-conflict situations, and from relationships that are emotionally distant but still include contact.”
After realizing there were few major studies of family estrangement, Pillemer carried out a nationwide survey for his 2020 book Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them.
The results show that there are many people who are in a similar situation as the author of the Reddit post. In fact, more than one in four Americans reported being estranged from another relative.
Similar research for British estrangement charity Stand Alone suggests the phenomenon affects one in five families in the UK, while academic researchers and therapists in Australia and Canada also say they’re witnessing a “silent epidemic” of family break-ups.
Image credits: Matt Bennett (not the actual photo)
Most break-ups between a parent and a grown-up child tend to be initiated by the child
Although research in the field is still limited, Joshua Coleman, psychologist and author of The Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict, says most break-ups between a parent and a grown-up child tend to be initiated by the child.
One of the most common reasons for this are past or present abuse by the parent, whether emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual, and divorce, with consequences ranging from the adult child ‘taking sides’ to new people coming into the family such as stepsiblings or stepparents, which can fuel divisions over both financial and emotional resources. Clashes in values are also increasingly thought to play a role.
“While there’s nothing especially modern about family conflict or a desire to feel insulated from it, conceptualizing the estrangement of a family member as an expression of personal growth, as it is commonly done today, is almost certainly new,” Coleman explains. “Deciding which people to keep in or out of one’s life has become an important strategy.”
Coleman argues that our increased focus on personal well-being has happened in parallel with other wider trends, such as a shift towards a more individualistic culture — many of us are much less reliant on relatives than in previous generations.
“Not needing a family member for support or because you plan to inherit the family farm means that who we choose to spend time with is based more on our identities and aspirations for growth than survival or necessity,” he says. “Today, nothing ties an adult child to a parent beyond that adult child’s desire to have that relationship.”
Hopefully, the Redditor will find a way out of this whole mess.
After reading the man’s story, people thought he did nothing wrong
How ironic the mom wants the son to be an adult but is constantly chastising and meddling in his ADULT life and relationship with his equally ADULT sister. She can't expect him to be an adult and obey like a child smh.
Oh boy. NTA. I have a similar scenario at the moment with my mum and sibling. My mum has written in her will that my brother will only be entitled to a share of the estate if he "receives the forgiveness of his siblings" i.e. me. My brother's conduct is unforgiveable - and she agrees with me on this point. Rather than stand her own ground, she has knowingly created a scenario in which my brother will blame me for the consequences of his actions. Worst of it is that I am supposed to be her executor which means if I act (I wont, I intend to decline the appointment) I would have to defend my unforgiveness when he contests the will. Toxic as f**k.
I'm so sorry you had to go through whatever happened. But if your mother really felt like you, she just could have cut him out - in extremo with mentioning why, in case he tries to contest the will. After all, if you forgive him, you can always share whatever there is with him willingly. S**t move, honestly.
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Goddamn. Reminds me of a mother trying to force her daughter to remain in contact with the brother who abused her and threatened to kill her. Yeah sure, mum.
I can imagine what you're going through, since I lived through the same situation years ago with my sister. At the time I did understand, to some extent, where the rest of the family came from: any dissension within the family was seen as a threat not only to what they thought family should be, but they also didn't want to deal with the fall-out. For example: I absolutely refused to visit if my sister was there too. Was I childish, are you childish for not reconciling? No, not at all. No one has the right to insult and defraud someone else, family or not. If family is so important, how is it they're taking the side of the offending party? Nope: your first loyalty is to yourself and to your lovely family; the rest.....up to you. Sis and I are on speaking terms now after almost ten years, but I will never trust her again nor will I go beyond civil chit-chat. Your sister is a coward and is shifting the blame onto you. Don't engage, focus on your own life and leave them to themselves.
This. I always find it creepy, these "family before ethics or even law" people. They're the ones that would protect a rapist. You do what you feel is best to protect yourself.
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I don't regret telling my mom to f**k off forever when she was 90 and had cancer. For me, she had been a cancer my whole life (I was 50 at the time). She died a year later and it surprised me that I didn't cry or care. I sent my siblings sympathy cards (Sorry your mom died) out of respect for their loss.
I am there too. I can't get my father and my sister to see as a whole person... I won't go NC - but I will go LC... I can't do this anymore... They make decisions that involve me and think i'm ok without asking. I'm not and has never been...
This is why people that have no professional training should leave therapy to those that do!
I've gone no contact with my immediate family and it feels very lonely at times but not having to deal with the stress of what my family represents gives me solace. They weren't there when I needed them the most (hospitalized) and won't be in the future. Families can be toxic and just because they are family doesn't mean you have to let them be in your life. Friends are the families you choose.
As a parent and grandparent, I find it baffling that the mother would risk not having a relationship with her son and grandchild by pulling this stunt.
Don't ever feel forced to be nice to someone that screwed you over for their benefit knowingly. Yes it be nice to makeup w sis for moms sake. But mom wants it. Prob not the sis whose doing it to look good in moms eyes a get her hands on moms estate. Just enjoy your simple life w your wife an baby. Block their numbers but let step dad be able to reach you only in an emergency and give him a code word so if mom or sis take his phone to scam you with a 911 you can confirm it's legit.
There is family, then there is relatives. The Venn diagram does not overlap as much as people would like. This is my boundary mantra: "My love for you is unconditional. My continued presence in your life is not"
So NTA. Brenda has essentially lost out on a relationship with her grandson because she refuses to stop trying to "fix" the relationship between her grown children. She must not understand why they are not speaking or just wants family life to be like a sitcom. Either way, the OP did what is best for his little family. People need to stop trying to force people to have relationships with family members that they don't want to have anything to do with.
The only family I have is my mom and brother. I was born into a family of legitimately mentally ill people. They're all freaking insane.
I am completely no contact with both of my sisters. My middle sister for over 20 years, the youngest for a little over 2. They are absolutely the most awful, horrible TOXIC AF people you can imagine - AND my Mom is Switzerland, God love her. She doesn't take sides, she doesn't judge, she has the very adult brain that says, "Hey - it's your relationship & it's none of my business".
My mother tried setting me up once, I walked into my sister leaving my parents' place. Another time she told me in advance she'd invited my sister on the samd day I was supposed to be there (also had to fly in). I left them to it and spent the day with my in-laws, but made it clear I wouldn't be visiting if it happened again. It stopped, but later I also went NC with my mother because tgw whole toxic situation wad just too much. No regrets
Sounds like this is ALL about money, and U got robbed? Either way, U are definitely NOT the a**hole! Now, Mom threatening to withhold her money (when she’s gone), unless U fall into line and do as told? Nope! Stand your ground. U can either give in, take the high road and try to make the “children” happy … or, stand your ground and possibly never have a relationship of any kind, with your Mother, or sister, again. Either way … U are not in the wrong. The only other thing I will say is that I had a similar situation with my stepdad (he had been bad mouthing my wife and giving her a hard time, behind my back, for several years … and I found out). I cut him out of our lives, BUT … lost precious time with my Mother (tho she understood, and we still talked on the phone regularly). I still wish I would’ve found another way.
Years ago, a friend of mine had gone LC/NC with her mother. My friend tried for years to conceive, and had finally managed to give birth to a healthy son. Grandma (friend's mother) kept trying to insist that Son be baptized in Grandma's faith. Both parents refused. When Son was about to turn a year old, Grandma wanted to have a "party" for him. As my friend, her husband, and their son were approaching the address of the "party," they realized that it was Grandma's church, and she'd hoped to ambush them into having Son baptized. They turned around and left without ever getting out of the car. Grandma was angry that "they embarrassed her!" Oh well...
Why do people call it an ‘intervention’ when it’s no such thing? They aren’t trying to help someone heal themselves or turn away from behaviour which might be harmful to them which is what an intervention means. They are basically just trying to make their own lives more comfortable. Presumably they knew what the sister had done so why were they on her side? The fact that she even turned up just shows what a smug, self absorbed person she is. She’s a liar and a fraud. Why should he forgive her?
How ironic the mom wants the son to be an adult but is constantly chastising and meddling in his ADULT life and relationship with his equally ADULT sister. She can't expect him to be an adult and obey like a child smh.
Oh boy. NTA. I have a similar scenario at the moment with my mum and sibling. My mum has written in her will that my brother will only be entitled to a share of the estate if he "receives the forgiveness of his siblings" i.e. me. My brother's conduct is unforgiveable - and she agrees with me on this point. Rather than stand her own ground, she has knowingly created a scenario in which my brother will blame me for the consequences of his actions. Worst of it is that I am supposed to be her executor which means if I act (I wont, I intend to decline the appointment) I would have to defend my unforgiveness when he contests the will. Toxic as f**k.
I'm so sorry you had to go through whatever happened. But if your mother really felt like you, she just could have cut him out - in extremo with mentioning why, in case he tries to contest the will. After all, if you forgive him, you can always share whatever there is with him willingly. S**t move, honestly.
Load More Replies... Goddamn. Reminds me of a mother trying to force her daughter to remain in contact with the brother who abused her and threatened to kill her. Yeah sure, mum.
I can imagine what you're going through, since I lived through the same situation years ago with my sister. At the time I did understand, to some extent, where the rest of the family came from: any dissension within the family was seen as a threat not only to what they thought family should be, but they also didn't want to deal with the fall-out. For example: I absolutely refused to visit if my sister was there too. Was I childish, are you childish for not reconciling? No, not at all. No one has the right to insult and defraud someone else, family or not. If family is so important, how is it they're taking the side of the offending party? Nope: your first loyalty is to yourself and to your lovely family; the rest.....up to you. Sis and I are on speaking terms now after almost ten years, but I will never trust her again nor will I go beyond civil chit-chat. Your sister is a coward and is shifting the blame onto you. Don't engage, focus on your own life and leave them to themselves.
This. I always find it creepy, these "family before ethics or even law" people. They're the ones that would protect a rapist. You do what you feel is best to protect yourself.
Load More Replies... I don't regret telling my mom to f**k off forever when she was 90 and had cancer. For me, she had been a cancer my whole life (I was 50 at the time). She died a year later and it surprised me that I didn't cry or care. I sent my siblings sympathy cards (Sorry your mom died) out of respect for their loss.
I am there too. I can't get my father and my sister to see as a whole person... I won't go NC - but I will go LC... I can't do this anymore... They make decisions that involve me and think i'm ok without asking. I'm not and has never been...
This is why people that have no professional training should leave therapy to those that do!
I've gone no contact with my immediate family and it feels very lonely at times but not having to deal with the stress of what my family represents gives me solace. They weren't there when I needed them the most (hospitalized) and won't be in the future. Families can be toxic and just because they are family doesn't mean you have to let them be in your life. Friends are the families you choose.
As a parent and grandparent, I find it baffling that the mother would risk not having a relationship with her son and grandchild by pulling this stunt.
Don't ever feel forced to be nice to someone that screwed you over for their benefit knowingly. Yes it be nice to makeup w sis for moms sake. But mom wants it. Prob not the sis whose doing it to look good in moms eyes a get her hands on moms estate. Just enjoy your simple life w your wife an baby. Block their numbers but let step dad be able to reach you only in an emergency and give him a code word so if mom or sis take his phone to scam you with a 911 you can confirm it's legit.
There is family, then there is relatives. The Venn diagram does not overlap as much as people would like. This is my boundary mantra: "My love for you is unconditional. My continued presence in your life is not"
So NTA. Brenda has essentially lost out on a relationship with her grandson because she refuses to stop trying to "fix" the relationship between her grown children. She must not understand why they are not speaking or just wants family life to be like a sitcom. Either way, the OP did what is best for his little family. People need to stop trying to force people to have relationships with family members that they don't want to have anything to do with.
The only family I have is my mom and brother. I was born into a family of legitimately mentally ill people. They're all freaking insane.
I am completely no contact with both of my sisters. My middle sister for over 20 years, the youngest for a little over 2. They are absolutely the most awful, horrible TOXIC AF people you can imagine - AND my Mom is Switzerland, God love her. She doesn't take sides, she doesn't judge, she has the very adult brain that says, "Hey - it's your relationship & it's none of my business".
My mother tried setting me up once, I walked into my sister leaving my parents' place. Another time she told me in advance she'd invited my sister on the samd day I was supposed to be there (also had to fly in). I left them to it and spent the day with my in-laws, but made it clear I wouldn't be visiting if it happened again. It stopped, but later I also went NC with my mother because tgw whole toxic situation wad just too much. No regrets
Sounds like this is ALL about money, and U got robbed? Either way, U are definitely NOT the a**hole! Now, Mom threatening to withhold her money (when she’s gone), unless U fall into line and do as told? Nope! Stand your ground. U can either give in, take the high road and try to make the “children” happy … or, stand your ground and possibly never have a relationship of any kind, with your Mother, or sister, again. Either way … U are not in the wrong. The only other thing I will say is that I had a similar situation with my stepdad (he had been bad mouthing my wife and giving her a hard time, behind my back, for several years … and I found out). I cut him out of our lives, BUT … lost precious time with my Mother (tho she understood, and we still talked on the phone regularly). I still wish I would’ve found another way.
Years ago, a friend of mine had gone LC/NC with her mother. My friend tried for years to conceive, and had finally managed to give birth to a healthy son. Grandma (friend's mother) kept trying to insist that Son be baptized in Grandma's faith. Both parents refused. When Son was about to turn a year old, Grandma wanted to have a "party" for him. As my friend, her husband, and their son were approaching the address of the "party," they realized that it was Grandma's church, and she'd hoped to ambush them into having Son baptized. They turned around and left without ever getting out of the car. Grandma was angry that "they embarrassed her!" Oh well...
Why do people call it an ‘intervention’ when it’s no such thing? They aren’t trying to help someone heal themselves or turn away from behaviour which might be harmful to them which is what an intervention means. They are basically just trying to make their own lives more comfortable. Presumably they knew what the sister had done so why were they on her side? The fact that she even turned up just shows what a smug, self absorbed person she is. She’s a liar and a fraud. Why should he forgive her?
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