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“He’d Understand If I Chose Divorce”: Husband Chooses Ill Ex Over Current Wife
Most of us don’t end up marrying our first love. And if a young couple does make it down the aisle before the age of 25, statistically, they’re not likely to stay married forever. But there’s nothing wrong with experiencing heartbreak and going on to find the second love of your life. As long as you actually get over your first love, that is…
One woman recently reached out for advice on Reddit after her husband began spending all of his time nursing his sick ex-wife back to health. Below, you’ll find all of the details, as well as some of the replies invested readers shared.
RELATED:
This woman’s husband has been supporting his ex-wife through her cancer treatment
Image credits: rawpixel / Freepik (not the actual photo)
But now, she’s wondering if her spouse’s dedication to his ex will lead to the end of their marriage
Image credits: shisuka / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ThrowRa_paul123
Image credits: Olivia Bauso / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Keeping in touch with an ex is risky after entering into a new relationship
According to the Wilkinson & Finkbeiner law firm, couples who get married between the ages of 20 and 25 have a 60% divorce rate. And, regardless of age, if both spouses have been divorced before, their marriage is 90% more likely to fail than if it was each partner’s first marriage.
As painful as it may be, divorce is simply a part of life. And it can actually be a great thing when individuals are able to find love and happiness again after their marriage has ended. But it’s important not to rush into another relationship, and definitely not into another marriage, before you’ve healed from your previous one.
It’s natural to always have a soft spot for people you once loved and cared deeply about, but Marriage.com notes that there are risks when it comes to talking to your ex while in a new relationship. One of which being the emotional confusion that you may experience when talking to an ex. It can become impossible to focus on your new relationship when you have thoughts about your previous partner swirling around your mind.
Jealousy and insecurity can definitely come into the picture as well. Your current partner may not feel secure, knowing that you’re in touch with your ex. And they might start to feel threatened, which can put a strain on your relationship. At the same time, this can lead to making comparisons and unhealthy competition. You should be focused on your current partner, not comparing them to your ex.
Boundaries and respect are also incredibly important components of any healthy relationship, and keeping in touch with your ex can quickly erode them both. It’s not fair to blur the lines between your past and current relationship, and it’s disrespectful towards your partner to make them wonder if they’re a second choice.
Image credits: Kateryna Hliznitsova / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Your current partner should always be your top priority
Finally, there’s the issue of potential temptations. If your ex is single and still has feelings for you, there’s a potential risk that they might try to rekindle the romance. You never want to find yourself in a situation where you’ll be tempted to do something you’ll immediately regret.
Now, this doesn’t mean that exes can never ever be friends. But it’s clear that in this particular situation, the man has chosen to neglect his marriage to prioritize his ex over his wife. A marriage is doomed if both parties aren’t able to put their partner first. And when it comes to what exactly that means, First Things First notes that this requires paying attention to your spouse’s needs and considering the impact that your behavior has on them.
Marriage is a commitment, and once you’ve decided to dedicate your lives to one another, there’s no more thinking about yourself first. You’re a team, and you have to consider how you’ll work through issues together.
It’s not fair to sideline your partner to put your own desires first. Marriage requires clear communication and making compromises that will accommodate you both. Otherwise, you may wake up one day and be hit with the news of divorce like a ton of bricks, before you even realized that you had been neglecting your relationship.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Do you think it’s time for this woman to pull the plug on her marriage? Then, if you’d like to check out another Bored Panda article discussing similar relationship issues, look no further than right here.
Readers pointed out that the author’s husband has made his choice and encouraged her to get a divorce
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What do you think ?
Orysha 4 months ago (edited)
If I'm not mistaken, Op's husband helped his former spouse throughout cancer and as soon as she was cured she left him. Then she was sick again and ak him to help her again? Op's husband is a spineless doormat and Op should leave that invertebrate asap.
Mabelbabel 4 months ago
He wants a divorce, but he doesn't want to initiate it as he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy. This way, he can say "she divorced me because she was jealous." He's still in love with his ex obviously, and it sounds like the first divorce wasn't his choice. I hope Op doesn't decide to stick around for him, he's been lying to her from the start. Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.
Kathy Brooke 4 months ago
The thing that's missing here is a timescale. Is she going to die in a fortnight? You can wait that out, let him get the closure he needs. Is it going to rumble on for months, with her possibly recovering? Then I'd give it a fortnight and start divorce proceedings. Too much missing from this story.
BeesEelsAndPups 4 months ago
"Fortnight" great word that should really enter the American lexicon. I much prefer saying "we should meet fortnightly" rather than "we should meet biweekly". The latter is confusing. Does that mean twice a week or once every two weeks?
Load More Replies...
The_Nicest_Misanthrope 4 months ago
Don't care if i get downvoted for this, bit wow, Lexi is a b***h!
Tim Gearing 4 months ago (edited)
How did OP think this was going to work out? That hubby would support his ex until the end of her life and then come back as if nothing has changed? If he has that kind of emotional commitment to his ex, he will never be the same again. Being with someone at the end of life has a profound effect that doesn’t easily go away. Personal experience has taught me that. Maybe he is different?
Scott Rackley 4 months ago
Life is too short to have a garbage human being in your life, let alone two.
azubi 4 months ago
When I was first introduced to the concept of polyamory, my question was: but who are you there for when all your partners need you at the same time? Poly is not my thing, but it turns out that this question comes up a lot anyway. Every relationship with a person is a relationship of some kind, and sometimes you are needed by people you have a connection to from the past, and then everything will be wrong no matter what you do The guy was decent, he made it clear what was possible and what was not. That's hurtful and unfair because life is mean. OP obviously shouldn't wait because her husband won't the same and the relationship can't be the same when this is over. She might be able to see that her husband is the kind of person where you don't lose all importance with the end of the relationship, and that can be a good thing because it will be true for her too. The difficulty is to somehow get through this hurt now. Translated with DeepL.com (free version)
BeesEelsAndPups 4 months ago
Not sure what this has to do with polyamory, since your argument applies to all human relationships. But there is a difference saying I am going to invest my heart and soul into maximizing the comfort of a dying friend or kinsman, and doing the same for somebody who clearly disregarded you in the past. If a close friend told me they had cancer and needed help, I'd probably move them into my spare bedroom so I could be there for them. If it's my parent I'd go to them. But if my ex-wife, who left me after I cared for her through cancer, called me I would probably send her a really nice gift basket. Maybe a $500 gift-card to GrubHub so she doesn't have to worry about cooking for a few meals. But I think it is selfish to ask this of him. And he is being selfish with his desire for closure (or whatever it is he's after here) to ask this of his current wife. SHE is the one who he is committed to. He's even putting the question of divorce squarely on her shoulders. Another d*ck move
Load More Replies...
ॐBoyGanesh 4 months ago
This is really simple: does OP want a divorce or not? If she does, they should divorce. If she’s willing to step back & put the relationship on hold, then she needs to ask him if he wants to pick up where they left off after being a caregiver to his ex or if he prefers a divorce with no plans to reconnect. He already put all the responsibility onto her. She can at least make educated choices. With that said, I can’t see a healthy way forward after the position he’s put OP in.
Bacon Tentacles 4 months ago
I think the commenter who mentioned that hubs didn't want the divorce from his ex was spot on. Poor OP. Divorce, block, move on.
Kate Johnson 4 months ago (edited)
OP is a bit dim, clearly. She married someone who clearly was NOT over his ex as he ran back to her at the first opportunity, and now they are wondering if they should wait around to see what happens? No. Time to understand that this man was NEVER in love with you, since he could so easily walk away and not waste any more time on a relationship that was never real in the first place, but just a convenient place holder.
Orysha 4 months ago (edited)
If I'm not mistaken, Op's husband helped his former spouse throughout cancer and as soon as she was cured she left him. Then she was sick again and ak him to help her again? Op's husband is a spineless doormat and Op should leave that invertebrate asap.
Mabelbabel 4 months ago
He wants a divorce, but he doesn't want to initiate it as he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy. This way, he can say "she divorced me because she was jealous." He's still in love with his ex obviously, and it sounds like the first divorce wasn't his choice. I hope Op doesn't decide to stick around for him, he's been lying to her from the start. Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.
Kathy Brooke 4 months ago
The thing that's missing here is a timescale. Is she going to die in a fortnight? You can wait that out, let him get the closure he needs. Is it going to rumble on for months, with her possibly recovering? Then I'd give it a fortnight and start divorce proceedings. Too much missing from this story.
BeesEelsAndPups 4 months ago
"Fortnight" great word that should really enter the American lexicon. I much prefer saying "we should meet fortnightly" rather than "we should meet biweekly". The latter is confusing. Does that mean twice a week or once every two weeks?
Load More Replies... The_Nicest_Misanthrope 4 months ago
Don't care if i get downvoted for this, bit wow, Lexi is a b***h!
Tim Gearing 4 months ago (edited)
How did OP think this was going to work out? That hubby would support his ex until the end of her life and then come back as if nothing has changed? If he has that kind of emotional commitment to his ex, he will never be the same again. Being with someone at the end of life has a profound effect that doesn’t easily go away. Personal experience has taught me that. Maybe he is different?
Scott Rackley 4 months ago
Life is too short to have a garbage human being in your life, let alone two.
azubi 4 months ago
When I was first introduced to the concept of polyamory, my question was: but who are you there for when all your partners need you at the same time? Poly is not my thing, but it turns out that this question comes up a lot anyway. Every relationship with a person is a relationship of some kind, and sometimes you are needed by people you have a connection to from the past, and then everything will be wrong no matter what you do The guy was decent, he made it clear what was possible and what was not. That's hurtful and unfair because life is mean. OP obviously shouldn't wait because her husband won't the same and the relationship can't be the same when this is over. She might be able to see that her husband is the kind of person where you don't lose all importance with the end of the relationship, and that can be a good thing because it will be true for her too. The difficulty is to somehow get through this hurt now. Translated with DeepL.com (free version)
BeesEelsAndPups 4 months ago
Not sure what this has to do with polyamory, since your argument applies to all human relationships. But there is a difference saying I am going to invest my heart and soul into maximizing the comfort of a dying friend or kinsman, and doing the same for somebody who clearly disregarded you in the past. If a close friend told me they had cancer and needed help, I'd probably move them into my spare bedroom so I could be there for them. If it's my parent I'd go to them. But if my ex-wife, who left me after I cared for her through cancer, called me I would probably send her a really nice gift basket. Maybe a $500 gift-card to GrubHub so she doesn't have to worry about cooking for a few meals. But I think it is selfish to ask this of him. And he is being selfish with his desire for closure (or whatever it is he's after here) to ask this of his current wife. SHE is the one who he is committed to. He's even putting the question of divorce squarely on her shoulders. Another d*ck move
Load More Replies... ॐBoyGanesh 4 months ago
This is really simple: does OP want a divorce or not? If she does, they should divorce. If she’s willing to step back & put the relationship on hold, then she needs to ask him if he wants to pick up where they left off after being a caregiver to his ex or if he prefers a divorce with no plans to reconnect. He already put all the responsibility onto her. She can at least make educated choices. With that said, I can’t see a healthy way forward after the position he’s put OP in.
Bacon Tentacles 4 months ago
I think the commenter who mentioned that hubs didn't want the divorce from his ex was spot on. Poor OP. Divorce, block, move on.
Kate Johnson 4 months ago (edited)
OP is a bit dim, clearly. She married someone who clearly was NOT over his ex as he ran back to her at the first opportunity, and now they are wondering if they should wait around to see what happens? No. Time to understand that this man was NEVER in love with you, since he could so easily walk away and not waste any more time on a relationship that was never real in the first place, but just a convenient place holder.
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