30 People Share Their Heartbreaking Love Bombing Experiences So That You Know What Red Flags To Look Out For
Love bombing is manipulation. It occurs when a person overwhelms you with sweet words and actions to get something in return.
Usually, this technique involves over-the-top gestures, such as buying expensive plane tickets for a vacation, and not taking no for an answer.
All of this can seem harmless, but the point is to get you into thinking you owe them something.
To figure out how to spot it, Reddit user -ethereality- made a post on the platform's r/AskWomen page, saying: "How did you know you were being love bombed?" Luckily, the ladies responded.
As of this publication, the post has 600 comments, many of which contain honest experiences from toxic relationships that we all can use as valuable lessons.
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My dad did this to me every time he did something horrible, like 'disciplining' me with the belt, or throwing me outside in the middle of the night when I 'misbehaved.' It was repulsive to be held tightly in his arms afterward, with him crying and whispering fervently for me to forgive him. F*ck that. Now, as an adult, I cannot stand to be around him
We managed to get in contact with -ethereality- and she was kind enough to have a little chat with us about her now-viral post.
"I had heard before about love bombing, and I realized that someone I was talking to at the time was doing that to me. I read more about it online and a lot of the signs resonated with me," -ethereality- told Bored Panda about its origins. "I thought I would ask the women in the subreddit to share their experiences to confirm my findings and also bring more awareness to this issue, since most people I know are unaware of it until they experience it themselves"
When he was courting me, he was like a romance novel. When we fought, he would turn into a complete monster and do anything to hurt me, mentally and emotionally. And then when he thought I was about to leave, he would be like a romance novel again. When I finally had enough and decided I was in fact leaving, he turned so mean I didn't even recognize him. He pulled the breakers from the breaker box and left for four days, leaving my daughter and I with no power or water. In July, in Alabama. He also bolted locks on the kitchen cabinets and refrigerator. The breakup was a year ago. I've maintained no contact. He messages me about once a month asking why I won't talk to him. He cannot believe that I don't want him in my life anymore
Didn’t figure it out until I told him I was leaving for real after 13 years of marriage. I agreed to one counseling session to appease him and the treacle that flowed out of his mouth - how great I am, how much he loves me, blah blah - was so f*cking fake and inconsistent with his actions that I was physically repulsed. He was so kind when he was BEGGING me not to leave him and then SO cruel when he realized I wasn’t backing down. So cruel. Unreal.
The abuse cycle and trauma bonds are nooooo joke.
It works like milking a cow: pressure on, pressure off. Only he's milking you for your energy. This is no New Age metaphor. It's the real deal; just look at yourself in the mirror and see how fast you've aged.
Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., who is a professor and chair of the Counseling and Higher Education department at Northern Illinois University, thinks there's nothing wrong with a person who falls for these schemes. "When someone tells you just how special you are, it can be intoxicating, at first," she wrote in Psychology Today.
"However, when a person uses such comments to keep your focus trained on him or her, or to keep bringing you back in if you've started to back off, it could be a case of manipulation. Not everyone who whispers sweet nothings in your ear is a narcissist or predator, of course, but if you're feeling that something just isn't right about the person or your relationship, these constant reminders of 'how good you are together' — when you suspect that you really aren't — can be an effort to keep you tethered. It's often the first line used by a potential abuser."
At the beginning it was constant compliments, telling me everything I ever wanted to hear. I didn’t even realize what was happening, and then after a year it all stopped. Then came the control and manipulation. When I tried to end it after 5 years, and him telling me how much marriage and kids sounded horrible, suddenly he wanted me to be the mother of his children and saying we should go look at rings. I almost fell for it, but I’m glad I stayed strong.
this is something that happens to a lot of women, and I get why some have no trust...to be honest, is easy to know what someone wants to hear, and create an image, until the vail falls and people are stuck in a destructive relationship, the longer it goes the harder is to get out...women do this too, is a typical narcissistic move
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They dangle the carrot but never give it to you. Realize that he doesn't even have a carrot. At most it is a picture of a drawing of a carrot that was drawn by a 6 year old with down syndrome.
I am in a situation right now where I think the love bomb has finally exploded. Everything I do and say is wrong. I literally can’t get through a sentence without being interrupted by him.. he called me a b*tch and wrestled with me and actually psychically hurt me.... he wouldn’t let me hug or kiss him..... then I brought up that I didn’t feel good and cried and he yelled at me for that saying I’m “manipulating him”
I left and am scared to go back and face him. The love bombing leads to nothing but misery and danger. I feel like a fool. What do I even say to him when I go to pack up my things and leave? Help someone
According to Degges-White, even though nonstop attention and daily roses sound appealing, if you were the object of this type of affection — from someone you just met — listen to your gut if it's telling you the situation is more creepy than charming.
"Most of us prefer relationships that unfold in a relatively gradual way. It's normal to feel a rush of excitement at every glance, touch, or meeting at the start of a new romantic relationship, but when someone's trying to move it along too fast, it can be more than a little disconcerting."
My mom would act as if everything I did was spectacular, so long as it fell in line with what kind of person she wanted me to be. She never treated any of my siblings this way, so it caused a lot of jealousy towards me which I think was also part of it. If they wanted love then they needed to try harder, and if I wanted to maintain the love from the one person who could love me (because my siblings hated me) then I couldn't step out of line. At this point in my life I am preparing to move out, not tell them my new address, and never speak to any of them again. One huge blessing from all this is that I can spot these signs and recognize when someone is trying to manipulate or lie to me, and I can handle it pretty gracefully
Get away from her. Now. My mother was the same way. She only showed affection and approval if I did something to please her, which wasn't very often. She was big on calling my sister and I names, belittling us in front of people and giving us the silent treatment. I was always too fat and was sent to Weight Watchers at 14yo. I was 5'4 and 130lbs at the time. It continued into my adult years. One day she told my 10yo daughter, "No offense, but I think you're gonna be the fat one of the family." I lit into her and didn't speak to her or let her see my kids for several years. Then I softened and let her come back around. It only took a short time before her real self started to show through, again. I separated her from my family and have never looked back. Save yourself. Go be happy! You DO NOT have to be around someone just because they gave birth to you!
Received an I Love you within two days of our conversation. I thought that maybe it's hard for me to accept that I'm being loved that I was just sabotaging myself,so I kept discarding my gut feeling. Ladies,our gut instinct is our gift,make sure to use it correctly!
At the beginning of a tumultuous relationship I had with a toxic person, he was as kind and complimentary as he could be, and it felt off. He gave me butterflies, which I thought was love-related but it was fear-related. Two years later, every day when he came home from work I got those damned butterflies, followed by a sense of dread.
Many of these people are terrifically charismatic and that gets you going. After that he just had to use the Alfred Hitchcock approach: Show the scary thing once, and for the rest of the movie the audience is terrified by just imagining it.
Chitra Raghavan, a professor of psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, said that one of the complicated things about dating is the fact that everything in healthy relationships can also happen in unhealthy relationships.
"If someone pays you attention and is generally present during the first date, that generally signals interest," Dr. Raghavan, who also specializes in domestic violence and sex trafficking, told The New York Times. "But then there's also someone that pays you interest in such a way that you’re consumed by it."
And sometimes, the line is blurry.
When he began to project his insecurities and gaslight me. He'd say something like "I bought you all these nice things and you still want to go out with your 'friends'?"
I actively encourage my other half to go out with her friends. Sometimes she goes for a girly weekend! How else am I going to get some me time and have her come home smiling like the Cheshire cat?
In a relationship; I didn't know until we broke up. He was very abusive and I looked back at how he was when we first dated. I realised that if someone can be so extreme one way (love bombing) that they are probably capable of the other extreme (abuse).
It also happens in the workplace. You can meet a colleague and they force some kind of connection too soon and talk to you like you're friends, not colleagues. Those ones are the ones to be the most cautious around. I learned this the hard way.
He pretty much immediately wanted us to spend all of our free time together. He introduced me to his kids immediately — I met his older son on our second date. When I told him I thought it was too soon for that, he just convinced me by talking about how compatible we were, how much fun we had together, and how great I am. I had been pretty lonely before then. I moved to a new city and didn't have many friends yet. I welcomed the attention and chose not to notice the stuff that bugged me. I remember a few weeks in, I was going to a friend's wedding and I ended up taking him with me. He kept telling me how he wanted to fast forward to the part where we have been together for a couple of years and he knew all of my friends and we were getting married. We weren't even together a month when he said that stuff. He was actually the one to end things initially, which led to a long push and pull of breaking up, trying to be friends, him wanting more, etc. Looking back, I think when he told me he needed to work on himself and that he shouldn't have a girlfriend, he was actually trying to get me to be like, 'Noooo, I'll do whatever it takes and be who you want.'
Instead, I told him I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. During the friendship facade, he told me several times how much my saying that hurt him. He didn't understand why I wouldn't apologize for that and stood by it. It was all very dramatic and I'm glad it's done. I'd rather be single and have happily been so ever since
Coming back to the author of the post, -ethereality- was pretty surprised to see how similar many of the situations were, in terms of the pattern of behavior the love bombing would follow. "For example, declaring love and making plans for the future very early on in the relationship (weeks). Then as soon as the woman is emotionally attached, they suddenly do a 180 and start the emotional abuse (gaslighting, degradation, violence)," she said after going through these stories.
"It's so scary to see how someone can have an entirely different facade compared to their true colors."
First date and he kept talking about future plans with me and using “we”. I’ll take you to this place, we can do this thing etc. Dude, I don’t know if I even want to go on a second date yet!
If I disagreed with him on anything, he’d either act like I was so charming or change the subject. Usually when I disagree with others, they’d explain themselves, which is great cause I want to know more about them and how they think. This guy kept hiding himself.
Tbh, on a first date, I'd cut the guy some slack. He sounds really nervous, infatuated, and worried that you won't like him. If you don't like him, then that's that. But a lot of people try to avoid arguments on a first date. If it continues by the third or the fourth date, then I'd be concerned.
Dated an ex for 3 years starting when I was 20 and he was 24, he was incredibly abusive in every way except physically (though he threatened it a number of times). I can only remember this incident toward the end of the relationship, not sure what prompted it, but I came home to his house and there was a big bouquet of flowers and a cookie from my favorite place waiting for me. This, from a man who used to brag that a florist he used knew him by name because he went there so much for exes, but not once in 3 years did he ever buy me flowers or really ever went out of his way to do or buy anything nice for me. He came home and was suddenly being really sweet and asking if I liked the flowers, and "oh, did you see the cookie was from [place]?" At that point, I had already signed a lease to move the hell away from him and was just waiting for the keys, so I wasn't falling for it anymore, but he was very disappointed that I didn't immediately fawn all over him.
Any suggestion that we slow down or not make big future plans was met with sulking and the silent treatment.
-ethereality- thinks love bombing is toxic because even though there's emotional abuse involved, "it becomes difficult to leave the relationship, and it is also difficult to recognize it is happening to you. Love bombers are masters at manipulation and it's a push and pull dynamic that makes it hard for someone to leave."
If there's one piece of advice Degges-White has for people who end up love bombed is to be honest and direct. Both with yourself and the other person.
"When a relationship moves too fast — or one partner tries to push it too forcefully — it's essential that you call your partner on it, and let him or her know how you feel," she said. "If he or she is willing to listen, and dial it back a notch, there may be reason to give them, and the relationship, more time to develop. If a partner won't listen to your protestations and just tries to excuse away the smothering behavior, that's a sign that there's only likely to be less freedom and more manipulation in the future if you stay together."
Remember, the only person you need to please is yourself. Stay safe!
He mirrored everything. I realised later on that it was impossible for someone to be so similar to me. Not even my sibling shared my opinions / likes that much.
Also, that feeling of dread / nerves that I mistook for butterflies. I didn’t know then that it was my gut telling me to run, now. (I did run, but towards him. I was a fu—ing idiot, but I learned my lesson now )
He stopped being loving when he got me. He quit giving me attention and barely spoke to me at all… …like a kid getting tired of a toy. I’m still angry about it.
I was pretty starved emotionally as a child and when dating became a thing it was like I’d cracked the code to being loved. I was really cute and decent looking in my teens and early twenties so it made finding boys really easy. The problem was that I was so desperate for someone to show me they loved me that love bombing felt AMAZING. I was like WOW this is what it’s SUPPOSED to be like. When someone loves you, you’re SUPPOSED to be the center of their world. I was in awe of it and couldn’t get enough.
The first few times, the love bombing turned into future faking and eventually completely slowed to a grinding halt and then turned the other direction towards complete neglect/being cheated on. Those experiences completely destroyed my self worth for a while.
Then I had to put a guard up and really get to know someone before believing a thing they said. It took til I was about 25 to get there but I guess that’s a pretty normal age to feel like you’ve really matured.
25 is very young still--good on you for learning about yourself and heeding the signs.
I just got out of it. He love bombed and gaslighted. He told me he was going to marry me on our first date. I thought maybe he had a strong intuition. Then came the compliments. Honestly, it was hard for me to believe most of them but they were nice to receive anyway. Then I came to find out he uses IV drugs and was cheating.
Oh my god this is so part of my story that it made my stomach hurt to read it
It feels like it’s all just too much and there’s a lingering doubt of the authenticity. There’s just this “too good to be true” feeling that sits in the back of your mind.
That’s how I identify it: intuition. I like to be appreciated but damn I don’t want someone to be obsessed with me simply for breathing. No one can maintain that.
It happened to my godmother. He wooed her for two weeks straight, proposed, and then married her within a month. Soon after he had her, he moved into her home. Then the violence began. Six months after she went radio silent on friends and family, she had to sell her home and flee the state where we live.
It happened after every screaming session. My mom would just go off on me for the most random of reasons, very “wire hangers mommy dearest” then afterwards it was a complete 180. With lots of hugs and kisses and affection.
As an adult I could recognize it in men and steered very very clear.
People who love bomb seem like they are trying very hard, because that’s what they are doing “trying”. Love and affection is a natural thing not something to be forced.
Too strong, too much, too fast. You cannot love me when you do not even know me. Getting to know someone requires TIME. Some might argue you can never truly know someone in toll, but you sure as hell cannot know someone well in a few months.
She was, at the time, my most intense relationship — friendship or romantic. We had a tumultuous years-long friendship, marked by lots of build-ups to what looked like long-term romance, only for her to get cold feet, walk away, then come back around a couple months later, and start the whole thing over again. Each time was cyclic, the same pattern of testing the waters for how I felt. I was always still head-over-heels and happy just to have her back, and we would slowly escalate. It would be this cascade of how amazing and wonderful and special I was. I just ate it up because I felt that way about her too. The difference was I didn't ebb and flow in how I felt about her, which is why I always welcomed her back with open arms. She was deeply insecure and wanted me to try and fight for her attention and love, which is why she would withdraw it. It wasn't until long after she was out of my life I even learned what the term love bombing meant and connected it to her behavior. But even then, I had too much pride to chase someone who didn't want me. I would put on the bravest face and play nice, like it wasn't hurting me and she would come back. Truth be told, it hurt a lot and I probably shouldn't have allowed it to go on as long as I did.
She ended up doing some incredibly terrible things that I couldn't see through, and ran away halfway across the country to be with her parents when I figured her out. I still miss her, and would forgive her in a heartbeat — it was years ago now and I hope we are both different people. But like most manipulative people, she has cast me as the villain in her story for catching her in her wickedness and trying to hold her accountable.
I don't mind though because for the most part, I've moved on with my life
It felt sticky and saccharine, and I felt obliged to “accept” it which was exhausting and more about him than me. Also, he said he wanted to marry me after a few days because he “just knew and loved me so totally”. I didn’t know what to say to that but inside I knew… Sadly I didn’t see the glaringly obvious red flags and months later had two get two court orders and police to remove him. I still barely knew the guy.
A day after meeting and texting he was telling me what a “good girl” I was and he wanted a future with me. He would insist I stay on the phone with him as he slept even though it made me super uncomfortable. And the last straw was him sending hundreds of messages in a row without response and parking outside my house hoping to catch me on my way to work.
Actions never matches their words
Being overly "loved" and praised beyond what would be expected. Overly showered with praise to other people while you are present for things that are normal. If someone is over the top, it's a red flag.
Also, pay attention to how they speak of their exes and how long their friendships are.
Mm…my bf and I have been together for 5 years and moved in together, and he’s wonderful. But he never had a relationship longer than a few months before this, and he’s almost 40. He’s just super awkward until you get to know him. I was a little weary at first because it could be a red flag. It wasn’t.
He spent over $100 on me on the first date. Then messaged me all day and kept FaceTiming me when I went on a trip begging me to turn around and just stay with him as a staycation. There was so much loving I really thought I was so super special that this man would do anything to have me be his gf. But once I started reciprocating he dropped the act and was his true self. That’s what I realized it was love bombing.
Because once I became dependent on it, the love went away.
When he invited me to come on his study abroad trip to Europe. I had only met him once in person
Haven’t had this from a romantic partner, but from multiple “best friends.” In the beginning, they make a point to highlight how all our commonalities make us “the same person.” How I just naturally “get” them. This then evolves to shaming me when I express a different opinion, have a different preference, or express individuality. “Getting” them turns into expecting me to anticipate their needs without communication. Then I’m stuck, shamed and accused, blamed and discarded. My new rule is anyone who finds my individuality threatening (why would you like THAT thing? Why don’t you like MY favorite thing?) off the bat I know this is not a safe person. Take me as I am, or not at all.
Also, a big one is if they tell you about how rotten other people are and designate you as special and "chosen"--especially if they don't really know you.
I'm not sure if it's lovebombing, exactly, but it's definitely in the same family: oversharing. Telling me things that a really close friend would know after only a little amount of time. When I realized that it made me uncomfortable to know those things about a person (guy or girl) it became an immediate red flag and I always backed away before too much entanglement. And I was usually right.
Didn’t put 2 and 2 together until after a few months of dating. I had never heard of the term before, so I didn’t think there was anything wrong at the time. Literally 1 day after our first date, the guy asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes because I was definitely in an emotionally vulnerable state back then. I was pretty desperate to be in a relationship and went with the first guy who treated me like a human being after running into a string of emotionally unavailable guys.
Anyway, me and the guy dated for a few months and most of the time, I was his main focus. He called out and skipped work often to hang out with me all day, always told me how perfect I am and how he can’t believe I’m with someone like him (tell-tell sign). He avoided arguments/disagreements like the plague, he spent money on buying me things instead of paying bills sometimes, told my mom that he was planning on getting me pregnant which was very strange to me, told me he loved me a few days after meeting.
Looking back now, all of this sounds insane to just overlook but I was a firm believer in when you meet someone and you just know ‘they’re the one,’ everything is going to be perfect. No. It takes time to REALLY get to know someone. No matter how bad you feel like you’re ready to be in a serious relationship, start a family and all of that, always take your time with dating and understand that things like that can’t be rushed.
When someone is present, especially after a long line of partners who do not want to commit, it makes it harder to see this behaviour for what it is.
When his actions weren't matching his words. In the beginning he was really affectionate, kept making elaborate plans for the future, gave me a lot of attention and made me feel like he was falling in love with me in a short period of time.
Two weeks later, he was just not the same. Kept telling me he wanted to meet me and still made plans for the future but there was no follow through. Initially I chalked it up to being busy/ work stress but after a while I realised that this inconsistent behaviour is not okay with me and broke things off.
Side note: that wonky mug looks like a failed ceramics experiment. Or something I'd make.
It started with 'I am so lucky to have you' three days after we met to 'I am always right, let me teach you.' He shut me down every time I tried to express an opinion. Our 'discussions' were a monologue. Everything I said was wrong. It was the first time I had a relationship that wasn't long distance or forced, so I fell face-first super fast. We got together less than a week after we started talking. Love bombing lasted for less than a month, then he ignored me and only wanted sex."
"I didn't realize it was bad until after I broke up with him because I was tired of fighting for the relationship alone
Honestly I didn't know until a very long time after we broke up, when I read a comment on reddit defining love bombing.
One of my friends had expressed that she thought I was being love bombed waaayy before I figured it out...I guess I wasn't ready to see it when she told me. Listen to your friends! Their perspective is invaluable.
It is…but some people apparently aren’t ready to be open to listening to their friends over their love-bombing, gaslighting, manipulative a*****e partners. It’s sad and frustrating beyond belief, but they’ll get there one day. Hopefully before too much damage is done.
I didnt fully understand until we were about to break up. When i met this man he would text me and call me constantly, if i didnt respond or answer he would just keep going. Hed compliment every inch of me even my butthole lol. He told me pretty much that he thought i was the one. Hed say he was going to take me and the kids to france one day, we also debated about circumcising our said kids. He told me he was going to provide for me that he wished i could move in with him. All within the first month or two of meeting. I actually thought hmmm idk what lovebombing is, is this that? And i ignored that thought because i enjoyed someone being so in love with me. There were glimpses of him behaving in ways that didnt align with his words, especially when he would have a bad day or id try to set a boundary. But the facade didnt fully slip until the last time i saw him. He was having a bad day and he was lashing out at me, ignoring me, and hurting me. He showed he didnt really care. He was too stressed to keep up the act or pretend to be kind and dumped me a week later.
It generally sounds very fake. I was always put off by this one person who kept singing super high praises when we barely knew each other, and I didn't feel terribly flattered by it. It's not that I don't already know some of the things they praised me for about me, it's the way they tried to express it to me that turned me all the way off from them. Plus the way they would apologize sounds more like he was expecting sympathy than actual forgiveness.
My suspicions were confirmed when I learned they were trying to isolate me from a friend of mine, and when I cut them off as a friend, he attempted to publicize it and it was just really ??? Like I thought nothing of it, it was just pathetic behavior
Healthier contrast to this is when I met a newer friend (several newer friends actually) and I could tell their feelings were genuine, and I didn't feel any of those weird butterflies or sirens going off.
Making friends in adulthood is so hard, and this kind of thing makes it even harder. When someone wants it so much, they're willing to force it or fake it. I used to feel like a jerk for shying away from these people; like they were better for being outgoing, and I needed to stop being so withdrawn. Now I'm just grateful to know better!
It felt fake and as if he wanted something, like he had an agenda. It wasn't organic or appropriate. I'm not a romantic person so I find love bombing easy to spot. Even if it's not intentional and the person is just easily swept away I find it shows they lack a lot of forthought. It shows they either are playing me or overly emotional. Either way it's not good.
If their reaction isn't proportional be suspicious.
One guy ordered an expensive sweater for me after our first date. Then, he proceeded to talk about taking me on a trip to Hawaii. He kept wanting to take me out to incredibly expensive restaurants, the ones with four dollar signs on Yelp. But then he kept testing me and always wanted to know where I was and who I was with, one month into meeting — we were not together or exclusive
The constant needing to know where you are and who you’re meeting is a MAJOR red flag.
Lack of boundaries. I’m not going to use terms of comfort or discomfort here because I’ve been known to be a very happy recipient of love-bombing. But I recognise when it’s happening nonetheless. It’s when there’s no clear distinction of healthy boundaries either established or upheld on one side or both—think codependency.
It is so weird to be with someone who only shows or tells you what you want to hear. For most things, my ex was like that. He never drew any hard line with me ever, until I said no to anal sex. Then he got weird and argued with me for five hours, because I had the audacity to draw that boundary. I was on the phone with him since we were at different colleges, and I didn't hang up or break up with him then — it took me another eight months. The final straw was when he got pissed that I wanted to hang out with friends instead of chat with him all night on AOL Instant Messenger since I finally had friends at school after two years of spending time with only him every night online, and almost every weekend in person
He would ‘sincerely’ apologize for things he’d done, and then the next time it was brought up, he would turn around and blame me or refuse to acknowledge the things he did. When I was breaking up with him, he offered to pay for a tattoo I wanted, only to turn around and ask me for money for the things I was taking that were mine
He was telling me how much he loved me after a week of dating. Also no matter what I did, he would say “this is why I love you.” It just felt bizarre
I had just met him and he was giving me TONS of compliments right away, like compliments someone would give you if they’ve known you for a long time.
Every thing I did was amazing. He got excited that my favorite animated movie was a movie he had only seen on time as a child. He didn’t even remember it! Yet, he cited that as a reason I was a 'perfect' match for him. Anything I did, even if it directly conflicted with one of his opinions, would turn into yet another reason I was perfect
My now ex-boyfriend wanted to get me a promise ring after three months, later added me to his life insurance policy without asking me, and somehow made me out to be the bad guy. He said I was overreacting and that he was just 'giving me the serious relationship' I wanted
I know I need time to warm up to people gradually, so no one has gotten close to me. The one guy who got closest I met one time very casually, and fairly shortly, at the beach. A few days later, I told him I didn't want to meet again. He sent a picture of a gift bag. He was trying to guilt me into giving him another chance probably, by expressing his disappointment because he had a gift for me...as if it was terrible of me to end things because he had a gift for me
I knew as soon as he wanted a relationship after about a month of dating me. I was fine with us just being friends and explained that to him. He was very adamant that he wanted a relationship with me. Before then, he was very attentive to every detail about me, from my hair to the color of my eye shadow to the design of my nails that week. He took me out every week. The first sign of his temper was one night I showed up 'late' to his place because I needed to re-do my makeup. He was very displeased over it, and I took note. It started to slowly go downhill from there and became a very abusive relationship for the next three and a half years
Had someone I was talking to for a while.
When I felt high whenever we talked and low whenever he would ignore me as punishment. Usually, for being too honest or not saying what he was wanting to hear.
He would shower me in love, affection, compliments, and make me feel really good. It became addictive to talk to him.
It was happening really early into the relationship. We hardly even knew each other yet he was expressing really big feelings. Too much too soon. Also, would pile it on when I wanted to do something he didn't want me to do (ie. spend time with friends instead of him)
I’ve never understood being so insecure you need to control who your partner sees and talks to. I actively try to get mine to meet his friends more, and one of my best friends is a guy whom I see now and then and usually stay over with since he lives nowhere near us now. My bf just says have fun, say hi for me, and call me when you’re heading home again. By contrast, every time my (other, female) friend comes round her bf phones/texts her literally every five minutes to demand photographic proof that she’s here with me. Can we take one of us snogging, he’ll suggest at some point, and she’ll actually only half-jokingly consider it. She’s one of those who just isn’t ready to listen to my repeated pleas of “for the love of God get the f**k rid of him”.
It felt like when he was showering me with love that he was describing/experiencing a connection that I in no way was reciprocating. It felt “off” and rushed and although it felt like it was authentic to him, I know from previous relationship that emotions like he was describing can only develop so strongly with enough time. In the beginning I thought okay maybe he’s just clicking more than he usually does on dates, maybe the sex is better than he’s used to, maybe he just really loves the idea of me (guys in IT often glorify having a gf in IT, I’ve felt this from guys often).
A couple of weeks in I was really feeling it was too much, though I couldn’t tell if he was fooling me or himself. I end it, it was a little back and forth but it climaxed in an evening where he showed up at my apartment and refused to leave. I begged, pleaded, commanded, growled but nothing worked. He didn’t leave until I had a screaming crying fit locked in my bathroom, then came out like I was psychotic to push him out.
At this he turned nasty fast. It came totally out of left field for me as I have always managed to end my relationships amicably with mutual respect. He turned to messaging me that he hates me, that I’m deceiving, that I need psychological help, that he’s worried for my friends because I might hurt them (because of how I freaked out when he wouldn’t leave my house). A day or two later he’s sending me sweet messages again saying “he was just angry” and pretending like it’s nothing.
I have never been abused, I have never been in a toxic relationship, my exes are all wonderful people. This was a crazy experience for me. I realized what women are talking about when they are describing gaslighting and toxic communication with a partner and I was utterly shocked. I cut contact with the guy and when he messaged me 4 months later wanting to talk (after a 2 week fling…) I told him no.
There were a lot of smaller instances leading up to this but one time I changed every single radio preset he had in his car just to see if he would actually get upset with me and finally stand up for himself. He apologized TO ME for having radio stations that didn't like before that. Ooof.
I feel kind of bad for the guy. Was he hiding a dark side? Or just painfully insecure?
I dislike the term "love bomb" b/c the juxtaposition of these demeans the concept of love, IMO. There's no "love" in that. It's obsession, power trip, ownership, psychopathology, but not *love*.
I believe it was first coined in the context of cult research. New recruits are typically bombarded by signs of affection and then the withdrawal of this affection would be used to control.
Load More Replies... I'd never heard of this before. I was expecting a nice and fluffy article about people being showered with love. Boy did I learn something new today.
I suppose the article served it's purpose, at least one person (you) learned to look out for red flags.
Load More Replies...
Never heard this expression before. Just now learning that I've been love bombs twice in my life. I just thought it was mental illness.
It probably was mental illness. I'm only passingly familiar with the DSM but reading these definitely was enough for me to pick out some personality disorders. BPD or NPD in many cases with maybe a smattering of bipolar. However, whatever the reason is for the abuse it's still abuse.
Load More Replies... Guess this was 'love bombing'? Knew a woman who would 'fall' for some poor sap everytime she needed something major done, it would be quite the romance and then when it was complete would come the breakup. Got moved, house painted, roof repaired, and basement renovated. Seemed there was always another guy waiting She was quite an attractive woman but she is older now and last I heard is very much alone.
I'm assuming these men also got what they wanted which was sex? Love bombing is when someone makes you fall in love w them and then abuses you bc they enjoy the control they have over another person. It's part of domestic violence and usually perpetuated by a narcissistic personality. The abuse and control is all they want it makes them feel good about themselves to have that so called worship.
Load More Replies...
I was love bombed a few times. One time I let it happen. I had the time of my life as soon as he said the first toxic thing I was out but those two weeks I had a great time.
Don't think this is being love bombed. Seems you were in it just for the good times. Definitely if you thought it was love after only 2 weeks that'd be more on you.
Load More Replies...
My family is strange… I don’t trust my parents a whole lot and they often guilt trip and gaslight me. I didn’t see the signs until recently that it might have been signs of it being an unhealthy relationship. I’m often starved for affection when I make mistakes and if I don’t keep my grades up? They ignore my emotional needs. They’re also unsupportive about my identity and CONSTANTLY refer to me as their “baby girl”.
Bait and switch. They pretend to love and adore you, as soon as you are hooked they hurt you, use you, treat you like garbage, but expect you to take it and treat them like royalty still.
Load More Replies...
omg. Stop giving pathological abuse cutesy names!! it is not "love bombing", it's abuse. Call it was it is.
Had a guy "love bomb" me. He'd push compliments by the bucket load at me. How smart I was. How beautiful I was. Meanwhile he would get angry if I told him no about hanging out. He'd say how we only had a short time (we were overseas doing charity work) how he loved hanging out with me. Thankfully I dragged my feet on ever dating him seriously so by the time I would've caved he moved on (I joined the military and suddenly he couldn't see us together shocker!). Didn't realize till now that the compliments were a part of his manipulation. What's been said in this post sound eerily familiar. Thank God I got away.
Wish men would speak up more about how women can be just as crazy as these guys are. I used to be one of these guys because I was so insecure and desperate for a relationship and have bad mental health issues. I'm getting better and better at respecting boundaries. I have alot of trust issues because of the toxic women I've fallen for. Wasn't love but I thought it was.
Women can be absolutely venomous. My hubby's grandma (or as every one calls her, the town mattress) is currently looking for a rich man that will take care of her and her dog, pay for every thing, yadda yadda. I find that disgusting.
Load More Replies...
I could have written a few of these myself. Didn't know it was called love bombing. I'm now discovering how dangerous these types of people can be and how to avoid relationships with them full stop.
I clicked on this thinking it was gonna be "good happy" stories. The word Love shouldn't be in there.
My experience is how he seemed perfect for me and my daughter for almost a year. Then we got a house together. That's when things changed.... 4 yrs down the road, I am currently looking for a new place for me and my daughter to move to. Very iffy situation, rebellious teenage girl living with a guy who can't control his temper and is verbally and emotionally abusive. It took too long for me to realize what was going on. The kid purposely pushes his buttons, he has extremely high unrealistic expectations. I didn't realize until a year ago how much I gave him control. Once I started making changes his attention was on me more than the kid. With help from the therapists (assigned to us by DCFS) I have a plan and emotional support to stand my ground and do what needs to be done. Have 1 month left on the house lease, trying to move out by then. I told him my plans a week ago. He has been super nice since. Told my daughter to soak it up and not to expect it to last.
14 yr old girls have no problems being showered with shopping sprees and "fun days". She says she wants him to literally pay for all the emotional damage he has caused us. The past week he has spent more on her for fun or just because than he had the past 5 yrs accumulated.
Load More Replies...
Nr 5. Do not go alone!!!!!! Please!!!! Take a man with you. Write down what you want to say. Get your things, say what you wrote down and leave.
I would like to point out that the ability to be upset one moment then happy the next can be due to BPD. It can definitely be a red flag, particularly if manipulation or gas lighting is involved but just having sudden emotional changes are not always a red flag. I think it's more how the person behaves or treats others when those swings happen is where a red flag can be.
I just learned a new term. My exex was like that. He showered me with love and attention initially, putting me on a pedestal that I determinedly got off of. He said stuff like having found the person he wanted to live with the rest of his life when we weren't even dating and proposed to me when we were just dating for a few months. That all changed when we moved in together and I was the only one working. I was supposed to go to college full-time, work part-time, cook, clean, do the laundry, be there for him emotionally, and not complain. I was head over heals in love with him from the love bombing and kept hoping he'd go back to that through the time he was bringing other women into our relationship and up until he left me "for good" and I attempted suicide. After I moved on, he revealed that he was only putting out relationship on hold until I finished therapy and stopped being told that he was the badguy and being so selfish for wanting to be with someone who found me pretty.
I didn't even know what to call it growing up.....but yup love-bombing is no joke, my ex-step-dad and mom did this my while childhood. I would get screamed at for at least 30 minutes for doing "something" wrong (99% of the time it was something so small that it wasn't even something I could avoid doing, plus it always changed). After the insults and "lecture" they would be all nice and loving, how it was for my own good, they only do this because they're the only ones that really love me. I'm no contact with ex-step-dad and I only see/speak to my mother to keep up appearances since she's gotten so angry and toxic, I don't want my kids around her
I dislike the term "love bomb" b/c the juxtaposition of these demeans the concept of love, IMO. There's no "love" in that. It's obsession, power trip, ownership, psychopathology, but not *love*.
I believe it was first coined in the context of cult research. New recruits are typically bombarded by signs of affection and then the withdrawal of this affection would be used to control.
Load More Replies... I'd never heard of this before. I was expecting a nice and fluffy article about people being showered with love. Boy did I learn something new today.
I suppose the article served it's purpose, at least one person (you) learned to look out for red flags.
Load More Replies... Never heard this expression before. Just now learning that I've been love bombs twice in my life. I just thought it was mental illness.
It probably was mental illness. I'm only passingly familiar with the DSM but reading these definitely was enough for me to pick out some personality disorders. BPD or NPD in many cases with maybe a smattering of bipolar. However, whatever the reason is for the abuse it's still abuse.
Load More Replies... Guess this was 'love bombing'? Knew a woman who would 'fall' for some poor sap everytime she needed something major done, it would be quite the romance and then when it was complete would come the breakup. Got moved, house painted, roof repaired, and basement renovated. Seemed there was always another guy waiting She was quite an attractive woman but she is older now and last I heard is very much alone.
I'm assuming these men also got what they wanted which was sex? Love bombing is when someone makes you fall in love w them and then abuses you bc they enjoy the control they have over another person. It's part of domestic violence and usually perpetuated by a narcissistic personality. The abuse and control is all they want it makes them feel good about themselves to have that so called worship.
Load More Replies... I was love bombed a few times. One time I let it happen. I had the time of my life as soon as he said the first toxic thing I was out but those two weeks I had a great time.
Don't think this is being love bombed. Seems you were in it just for the good times. Definitely if you thought it was love after only 2 weeks that'd be more on you.
Load More Replies... My family is strange… I don’t trust my parents a whole lot and they often guilt trip and gaslight me. I didn’t see the signs until recently that it might have been signs of it being an unhealthy relationship. I’m often starved for affection when I make mistakes and if I don’t keep my grades up? They ignore my emotional needs. They’re also unsupportive about my identity and CONSTANTLY refer to me as their “baby girl”.
Bait and switch. They pretend to love and adore you, as soon as you are hooked they hurt you, use you, treat you like garbage, but expect you to take it and treat them like royalty still.
Load More Replies... omg. Stop giving pathological abuse cutesy names!! it is not "love bombing", it's abuse. Call it was it is.
Had a guy "love bomb" me. He'd push compliments by the bucket load at me. How smart I was. How beautiful I was. Meanwhile he would get angry if I told him no about hanging out. He'd say how we only had a short time (we were overseas doing charity work) how he loved hanging out with me. Thankfully I dragged my feet on ever dating him seriously so by the time I would've caved he moved on (I joined the military and suddenly he couldn't see us together shocker!). Didn't realize till now that the compliments were a part of his manipulation. What's been said in this post sound eerily familiar. Thank God I got away.
Wish men would speak up more about how women can be just as crazy as these guys are. I used to be one of these guys because I was so insecure and desperate for a relationship and have bad mental health issues. I'm getting better and better at respecting boundaries. I have alot of trust issues because of the toxic women I've fallen for. Wasn't love but I thought it was.
Women can be absolutely venomous. My hubby's grandma (or as every one calls her, the town mattress) is currently looking for a rich man that will take care of her and her dog, pay for every thing, yadda yadda. I find that disgusting.
Load More Replies... I could have written a few of these myself. Didn't know it was called love bombing. I'm now discovering how dangerous these types of people can be and how to avoid relationships with them full stop.
I clicked on this thinking it was gonna be "good happy" stories. The word Love shouldn't be in there.
My experience is how he seemed perfect for me and my daughter for almost a year. Then we got a house together. That's when things changed.... 4 yrs down the road, I am currently looking for a new place for me and my daughter to move to. Very iffy situation, rebellious teenage girl living with a guy who can't control his temper and is verbally and emotionally abusive. It took too long for me to realize what was going on. The kid purposely pushes his buttons, he has extremely high unrealistic expectations. I didn't realize until a year ago how much I gave him control. Once I started making changes his attention was on me more than the kid. With help from the therapists (assigned to us by DCFS) I have a plan and emotional support to stand my ground and do what needs to be done. Have 1 month left on the house lease, trying to move out by then. I told him my plans a week ago. He has been super nice since. Told my daughter to soak it up and not to expect it to last.
14 yr old girls have no problems being showered with shopping sprees and "fun days". She says she wants him to literally pay for all the emotional damage he has caused us. The past week he has spent more on her for fun or just because than he had the past 5 yrs accumulated.
Load More Replies... Nr 5. Do not go alone!!!!!! Please!!!! Take a man with you. Write down what you want to say. Get your things, say what you wrote down and leave.
I would like to point out that the ability to be upset one moment then happy the next can be due to BPD. It can definitely be a red flag, particularly if manipulation or gas lighting is involved but just having sudden emotional changes are not always a red flag. I think it's more how the person behaves or treats others when those swings happen is where a red flag can be.
I just learned a new term. My exex was like that. He showered me with love and attention initially, putting me on a pedestal that I determinedly got off of. He said stuff like having found the person he wanted to live with the rest of his life when we weren't even dating and proposed to me when we were just dating for a few months. That all changed when we moved in together and I was the only one working. I was supposed to go to college full-time, work part-time, cook, clean, do the laundry, be there for him emotionally, and not complain. I was head over heals in love with him from the love bombing and kept hoping he'd go back to that through the time he was bringing other women into our relationship and up until he left me "for good" and I attempted suicide. After I moved on, he revealed that he was only putting out relationship on hold until I finished therapy and stopped being told that he was the badguy and being so selfish for wanting to be with someone who found me pretty.
I didn't even know what to call it growing up.....but yup love-bombing is no joke, my ex-step-dad and mom did this my while childhood. I would get screamed at for at least 30 minutes for doing "something" wrong (99% of the time it was something so small that it wasn't even something I could avoid doing, plus it always changed). After the insults and "lecture" they would be all nice and loving, how it was for my own good, they only do this because they're the only ones that really love me. I'm no contact with ex-step-dad and I only see/speak to my mother to keep up appearances since she's gotten so angry and toxic, I don't want my kids around her
