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"What’s The Best Litmus Test You Can Give To Someone To Tell If They’re A Red Flag?"
Dating, and first dates in particular, come with a sort of acrobatic-like juggling performance. One has to put their own best foot forward, while being engaging, funny and interesting with, ostensibly, a stranger. At the same time, they also need to actually pay attention if this person is giving off weird vibes. So, naturally, some folks have developed their own strategies.
Someone asked women “what’s the best litmus test you can give to someone to tell if they’re a red flag?” and people detailed their best strategies. So get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorites and be sure to share your own thoughts and experiences in the comments down below.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
When I was online dating I had a rule that I didn’t give out my number until I met you in person and liked you. I was pretty up front about it bc guys would want to switch over to snap or endless texting but It weeded out d**k pics and it got the ball rolling on getting to know someone in person.
Let me tell you, I could tell a metric f**k ton about a person from the way they responded to being told no and having an easy boundary put in place. It wasn’t an intentional test, but it provided great insight about how people deal with being told no in a zero stakes environment.
Ace 4 months ago
You really need to educate yourself a bit on this subject.
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#2
Pay attention to how they talk about their exes and past relationships. If somehow their exes were all "crazy" or they seem to lack any accountability, run. They're probably the problem.
Salvador Figueroa 4 months ago
This can go either way, they're either embellishing who was the problem or they're drawn to unstable people.
Grumpy old man 4 months ago
Or theyre just nice to unstable people. There's a meme: I'm in therapy because the ones that need to go to therapy dont
Load More Replies... #3
Not online dating at the moment, but something that clicked for me as a red flag (and honestly applies in so many other circumstances) - if you explain that you do or don’t want to do something out of safety or precaution and the man’s very first instinct is to go AGGRESSIVELY try to convince you they’re safe - run.
I’m not talking a normal reassurance along with an understanding of the boundary you put in place.
Ie - If the man offers to pick you up and you were to say, “I’ve had some fairly jarring experiences with dating (or men in general) so it’s important to me that initially we meet in a public space to get to know each other, but I sincerely appreciate the offer”
And they’re response is anything adjacent to “Okay but I’m safe you don’t have to worry about that seriously it’ll be okay” or “I’m a gentleman and I have sisters, I’d really like to pick you up, chivalry isn’t dead you know?” or “Well you can’t let one bad apple ruin the crop, seriously it’ll be fine. I’ve always picked up my dates and never had issues, just trust me” - RUN
To seasoned daters this might sound obvious and to others I might sound absurd but it’s such a “people show you exactly who they are - listen to them” moment.
They’re breaking down a perfectly reasonable boundary or limitation because they take issue with that limit. This shows not only a lack of empathy and understanding, but is also a huge indicator of other major issues.
Best case scenario it hurt their ego and they care more about convincing you to bend to their will than they do your feelings, your safety, or getting to know you. Worst case scenario - well there’s a lot of them.
Stay safe! ❤️❤️.
#4
Do they throw their trash away when the theater movie is over? Do they move their plates, dirty silverware and other trash to the end of the table in the restaurant so cleanup is easier for the service worker?
Nils Skirnir 4 months ago
I never wanted patrons to move their plates, silverware to the end of the table. Maybe at Applebees, but not at an upscale place
Eastendbird 4 months ago (edited)
Yeah, I read another post where someone who was a waiter said please don't pile up your plates and cutlery, I know you think it's helpful but it's not.
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Kirsten Kerkhof 4 months ago
I have never heard of people moving dirty plates and silverware to the edge of the table. Is that more of a US thing?
#5
How they treat service workers
Where they put a shopping cart when they’re done with it
What happens with a minor inconvenience or they don’t get their way
How much attention do they pay to their phone vs you
What happens if you don’t immediately text or call back
Their opinions about people’s role in society or relationship based on their gender.
Salvador Figueroa 4 months ago
"What happens with a minor inconvenience or they don’t get their way" this one is a great way to weed problem people out.
#6
Say "no" to something small.
Red flag is a person who tries to argue you out of it or gets mad. Those people don't respect consent.
Nina 4 months ago
If they can't take a 'no' on something small, they won't respect a 'no' on bigger things. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone like that.
Grumpy old man 4 months ago
Humanity is doomed. Dooooooooooomed! I miss Morbo
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#7
Lack of general courtesy is a good place to start.
- Looking at alerts on your phone when you're on a first date and doing the "so, tell me about yourself" stuff. Unless you need to be "on call" or you are someone's primary caretaker, put the d**n phone away.
- Rude to people in the service industry
- Cuts you off when you are speaking and changes the conversation topic.
- Makes rude comments about a group of people ... good chance those comments become slurs and hate speech later.
- Tries to change your mind on something ...
not ideologically (though that is a whole separate thing) ... e.g. "No, thank you, I don't like seafood." "Come on, have you ever had seabass like this, I *insist* you try some."
Canuck 4 months ago
On a lunch date with a man who seemed like a great match. He suggested a few things. I said I was a vegetarian so would choose on of those options. The look of disgust on his face before he angrily said FFS, you're not one of those are you. Instant turn off mixed with fear from his unwarranted anger.
Crystalwitch60 4 months ago
N I insist you shut up n try list ting to what I actually say ! I adore seafood lol but cant stand or eat spicy foods ,n no way anyone’s pushing me in to trying them end off
Debbie 4 months ago
I disagree with looking at alerts on my phone as I have kids.I'm not going to extensively text ofourse, and only reply if necessary. But my phone will be near. Also, maybe for my own safety, I might be texting a friend to say where I am / that the date is going well.
Lila Allen 4 months ago
I think that qualifies under the OP's primary caretaker clause
Load More Replies... Emilu 4 months ago
I agree with most of these. A couple sound like the asker might be a bit socially awkward as opposed to going out of their way to be rude. Eg, the fish one. I've had friends who've sworn black and blue they don't like a particular food but enjoy it when it's a certain way, etc. I suppose on a first date you don't necessarily have the rapport with someone to trust their tastes over your own, though.
#8
If they don't like or have no regard for animals. Also if my pet/s don't like a person.
Emilu 4 months ago
I'm with most of these, but I think people should be able to not like pets. As long as you don't go around harming them, you can like what you like. Admittedly, it probably means we wouldn't be compatible, but I don't think it's a red flag in itself. No regard, however... that's far different.
Kit Black 4 months ago
It's a dating red flag for someone who has pets. Why on earth would you date someone who doesn't like animals if you have pets???
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Gavin Johnson 4 months ago
My partner and I were discussing this yesterday, we established that we’d immediately be suspicious of someone who didn’t speak to her dogs when they met them. It was more in jest than anything else, we do understand there are people out there with cold, dead hearts 😜
Strack Attack 4 months ago
I work with animals, but this one is stupid. Not everyone has to love animals. Some people may have a phobia, or just think that animals are dirty. And sometimes animals don't like certain people for no reason at all.
#9
This works for friendships as well as romantic relationships. But sometimes you will meet somebody and you'll get along super great and everything is wonderful, but then just as you're moving from acquaintances to friends or seeing each other to going steady, still very early in the relationship, all of a sudden they do something dramatic and weird. Like maybe they blow up with anger at you, or they show up at your house sobbing and asking for your immediate support. And you're there for them in the moment because they have some logical reason for why they exploded like that. Their boss said something absolutely criminal and they're spiraling about quitting their job, or their uncle had a heart attack and they found him just in time.
They get exactly one of those. Everybody has weird outlier stuff happen from time to time.
The second time it happens, if it isn't years later, you walk away immediately. Immediately.
Even if it's the edgiest of the edge cases, they had two enormous life altering wildcard events in a month purely by chance, the fact that they are bringing them to you, a person they knew for 2 months, means that they can't keep a friend for long enough to find somebody closer than you to bring this to. They have burned out everybody close to them on this c**p.
Walk away now. It will only get harder.
KatSaidWhat 4 months ago
things I wish I had learned way too long ago. Also, meeting someone in grief does not mean a lifelong bond. It means a shared emotion at that time which may not last as you grieve differently. Something I just learned. Don't call me your grief buddy but not take my calls yet call me any hour of the day when you feel like it.
#10
When I was on Tinder, if a guy was picking me up I would say hello and then take a photo of his license plate right in front of him and send it to someone in my family. Almost every single time, the guy would laugh about it and it would be a topic of conversation. There was only one time the guy got super upset and took it personally - red flag.
Rika 4 months ago
I would take it as a red flag if someone took a photo of my license plate. Sure, you say it's because it makes you feel safe, but it makes *me* feel unsafe. You're worried I might harm you, I'm worried you might use the plate info to find my address and stalk me or you might frame me for a crime. Paranoia can go both ways.
Daria 4 months ago
Agreed. I wouldn't like someone taking pictures of me or mine without at least asking me first. I think common courtesy should go both ways.
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LouLou Bella 4 months ago
In no way should a girl allow a tinder date to pick her up. How has this become normal? you find your own way there and back, No ifs, ands, or buts.
Salvador Figueroa 4 months ago
To be fair that alone is a red flag but I wouldn't make an issue of it. You suspect I'm a danger yet still are continuing on the date?
KatSaidWhat 4 months ago (edited)
You know the #notallmen? Try #wedon'tknowhichmen. ETA - your immediate reaction colours your flag.
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Uncle Panda 4 months ago (edited)
I think I'd end the date right there. "If you're that worried about me, I don't think we should go out at all. Best wishes for you. Can I call you an Uber." And then drive away slowly so all the cameras caught me leaving alone.
Papa 4 months ago
That is not an American thing. Even police officers can be charged with a crime in the US if they look up a license plate for personal reasons.
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#11
I have been "lucky" to have my car break down in early dating situations. This was a real eye opener for me. You can tell a lot about a person when they are put in difficult situations, but only an inconvenience.
- did they get angry at the flat tire or fix it.
- did the rage at missing the show
- did they blame you, call you names.
T.M.P Janssen 4 months ago
I can also angrily change a tire. I can be angry at the tire without being angry at another human.
Fire Singer 4 months ago
Right? I don't mind someone getting angry in a situation like this, it's what they do with the anger that tells me more.
Load More Replies... Emilu 4 months ago
I can get being disappointed at missing a show (especially since those things can be expensive!), but who in their right mind blames you for your car breaking down? That seems a bit unhinged. Also, point one needs a medium ground because not everyone can fix/replace tyres. I don't think a guy deserves a red flag for simply not knowing how to fix a flat.
Debbie 4 months ago
Indeed, does the (female) OP know how to change a tire and fix it or did OP expect others to do it for them?
Load More Replies... Debbie 4 months ago
Also, I'd say how good can you work together to fix this. If both can't change a tire, but you know you have the tools, can you see this as an opportunity to learn together? Is one person constantly muttering under their breath making you feel uneasy about offering help? Or is over person changing the tire (without muttering) and the other isn't even offering help?
Kit Black 4 months ago
Yeah, if I'm dating a woman who can't fix a flat tire, she's totally not my type...
Lila Allen 4 months ago
Would you accept can't change a tire but can stitch up a wound and likes snakes in exchange? I mean is it a hard and fast must know cars thing or just a not super girly?
Load More Replies... #12
A man told me I have "Trump derrangement syndrome" because I'm worried about our rights being taken away. That was a pretty good indicator.
Blue Bunny of Happiness 4 months ago
Kind of him to put up a full bunting worth of red flags there.
#13
Match their energy with your energy.
People who give you their all are worth your all in return. People who give you nothing and expect everything need to know they aren’t going to get it from you.
I had a friend for years who was notorious for blowing me off when we made plans, or making promises and never keeping them, or being late to everything. I communicated to her multiple times that I didn’t like being treated like that, that I thought it was disrespectful, and she didn’t change.
So I started treating her the same way. She’d ask me to hang out and I would be super vague about confirming, then just not show up. It only took her two months to completely blow up and burn down the whole friendship. I think she regretted her actions in the end, but I’ve blocked her on everything. I’m not interested in being friends with people who treat others so poorly.
Grumpy old man 4 months ago
I just ended my last longest 30+ year friendship because Im not important enough for her. Plus she has 6 kids, but most are over 12.
#14
I’ve had several red flag relationships. My husband was completely different and I realized what red flags actually were after meeting him. These weren’t things that I could see right away, but within 3-4 months. Some things I picked up on:
- How does he respond to information or advice from women versus men? Does he value their opinion or consistently argue or dismiss? Does he treat women the same in conversation (facing, engaging, listening) as men? How does he respond to women when the GROUP is primarily men? Is he only talking to women because they could provide status or some direct benefit to him? Does he have close women friends at all that he hasn’t dated?? Super telling about intentions and how he sees women.
- 100% check relationship with mom and grandma, possible sisters. My worst relationships were men who had bad and neglectful relationships with their mothers. I didn’t pick up on it because I had a bad relationship with my mom and thought it was normal. Most men should have a healthy relationship with their (relatively stable) mom simply because moms tend to favor sons. The exes that loathed their hardworking, supportive moms were very a*****e in my case.
- 100% analyze relationship and responsibility with pets. My exes would treat and talk about pets like roommates. Cheap food and not much play. But my husband with his senile dog: I watched him hand feeding premium dog food, cooing, holding him with so much patience and love in his eyes like he was still a puppy. I literally almost cried watching him pour pure love into his dog. I wanted to be the dog 😭
- This is related to the dog thing, but how does he respond to inconvenience, people with illnesses or disabilities, or transient/cyclical conditions (including PMS and PMDD)? The way he was always inclusive and cared with urgency and no complaints, no matter what… versus my exes who would say I was being “lazy” or “dramatic” or “you need to figure that out, it’s not normal, but it’s not my problem” or couldn’t be bothered to QUICKLY get me an ice pack when I had a severe burn on my arm…
After seeing how my husband took care of me and others, I felt safe… EXAMPLE: a year into our relationship (already engaged), I choked on a fishbone for 20 hours (literally 19.5). He took me to the ER straight from the airport (I was solo traveling for most of the day). I was scared and helpless. I remember I was crying on the ER bed, drooling from late stage choking, scared, completely exhausted... The way he held me tightly and rubbed my back with pure love - even when he couldn’t do anything else - it was everything I needed and I relaxed enough to swallow the bone myself.
Deep down, I knew he could and WOULD take care of me always. He loves with his whole heart, and those signs showed me from the beginning. Been together for 3.5 years now, and every day feels like a blessing.
(Edits to take out extra words).
Maria Maria 4 months ago
My husband told me on our first date that he has no contact with his mother. Happily married for 20 years now.
azubi 4 months ago
To me this sounds like OP is sucking the soul out of that poor man she has now.
Mabelbabel 4 months ago
They sound exhausting and hard work. Hopefully its because they've chosen specific examples to illustrate their points best, but the relationship seems all give on one side, all take on the other.
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Toothless Feline 4 months ago
A man’s relationship with his mother depends on the mother as much as the son. And you don’t want a man who has too close a relationship with his mother— if he still depends on her as an adult, he will continue to do so during your relationship.
#15
Talk about consent and boundaries and see how they respond. If it bothers them that’s not good and also if they don’t keep their promises that’s a really bad sign. Does this person respect things that are important to you? How do they relate to your friends and family or even pets? Do they treat your property with care and respect?
#16
Yes – for the first date, reject his first suggestion regardless of what it is, and propose an alternate that is as similar as possible in terms of cost, convenience, etc.
"I'm not keen on that coffee shop, how about this one a block away?"
You're looking at how he responds when you assume equality. His reaction can show you whether he feels threatened by that: does he demand justification or even flat out refuse your alteration? does he complain about the venue when you get there, as if for the sake of it? Or on the other hand, does he bring it up in a positive way?
"These tables are too narrow; we should have gone somewhere else; I'm an expert on coffee you know; you shouldn't order that."
"I haven't been here before; those pastries look great; I'll try the house hazelnut syrup; what made you choose this café in particular?"
Which guy gets the second date?
Loudawg76 4 months ago
I think dismissing his suggestion just to play silly games is just rude. It doesn’t show equality - it shows that you’re dismissive and arrogant
LuckyL 4 months ago
It doesn't show. It's just a simple "no, can we make a minor change" and if someone isn't okay with taking a "no" - wheres the point in going any further (the bad thing about this is that there's to many people who can't handle a "no" and you need to figure out, if they are one of them)
Load More Replies... Salvador Figueroa 4 months ago
This stupid, ladies don't do this. You're just playing weird mind games at this point.
Malamutes 4 months ago
"Just s**t-can his first suggestion". Uhm, no. I'll put up with that s**t about twice, and thats it. If your go-to response to whatever I suggest is "No", I'm gonna get tired of that c**p pretty fast. I don't know "which guy gets the second date", but you won't be getting a third.
Crystalwitch60 4 months ago
The second one , although some guys dint show you who they really are till they put a ring on it ! . Be so much easier if they all showed us instantly , would have saved me many many yrs of a b u. S e n now ptsd ,
Sophie j 4 months ago
Check out the burned haystack dating method. It's all about finding out who the a*shats are early and never going on a date with them. Applies to lots of situations. So many men cannot help but give themselves away
Load More Replies... #17
Rude to service workers or the opposite-being overly nice in order to curry favor. Being loud or obnoxious. Rude to elderly people and children.
Roger9er 4 months ago
I don't get it really. You think an overly nice guy is a red flag or a rude guy is a red flag? Make up your mind
Debbie 4 months ago
I don't like slijmballen either. Forgot the English word. A*s-kissers? Something like that? People who act nice but are not nice.
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Jake Bertz 3 months ago
Why wouldn't you want to curry favor with service workers? it gets you better service!
#19
Watch how they deal with an inconvenience.
For instance, they badly need a specific item, and they call a store that's an hour away, and this store says they have it. They drive to the store, and the store does not actually have it. Are they able to roll with the punches, or do they throw a tantrum at the minimum wage store clerk?
azubi 4 months ago
I get the general idea, but if you're looking for someone who isn't annoyed after calling to check and then driving for an hour, I think you're looking for a pushover.
Trillian 4 months ago
This. If I drove somewhere for an HOUR after checking if it's available d**n right would I be annoyed. I am not going to yell at some poor store clerk but I am definitely not going to "roll with the punches".
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Kit Black 4 months ago (edited)
So if you call a store to make sure they have an item and then drive an hour to find out they don't actually have it - you should just slink away feeling like an idiot, because the employee lied?!?
Papa 4 months ago
I agree that it's okay to get upset (but not throw a tantrum) if you drove an hour to get the item that you had been told was there and it wasn't, but the employee lying is not the only possibility. The item may have been sold after the phone call, or the employee may have just been mistaken.
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Eileen Heath 4 months ago (edited)
Yeah, no. If he storms out of the house without checking and berates the staff for not having something - that's the red flag. Having a store manager lie to you over the phone so you waste time and gas, that's a worthy thing to get miffed about. Because 85% of the time, it's the manager that answers the phone.
#20
Ask them how their past relationships ended. If there is a lot of one-sided blame and no sense of learning/accountability of one’s own actions, that’s pretty much a no go from me. All of us make mistakes in relationships, sometimes we’re the problem. If they can’t cop to a least one thing they did and now do differently its easy to assume I will be the next victim of blame regardless.
I remember I was in a date with a guy and asked him about his exes and he proceeded to tell me how each and every one was crazy. After his monologue I said “Wow, you must really like crazy then.” He didn’t like that, lol.
Grumpy old man 4 months ago
My last real gf and I broke up because she got covid twice and I didnt know Type O is immune. This was before the vax/jab. The next two just wanted cash, so I walked away from that.
sofacushionfort 4 months ago (edited)
What happens when the answer is “my past is none of your business?” I thought asking “body count” inquiries were what immature insecure incels ask.
#21
Bring up feminism.
Jeolas1 4 months ago (edited)
Yes, I like to bring up feminism, too. Because many men immediately get verbally aggressive/competitive/misogynistic/ when you bring up feminism. Many will immediately start explaining that feminism isn't necessary anymore because nowadays it is men who are being oppressed, or that while they are of course pro women's rights, feminists are taking things much too far.
Load More Replies... Salvador Figueroa 4 months ago
hahaha yep. probably should have come up before any date in todays climate.
Eileen Heath 4 months ago
A simple "What is your definition of feminism" should do the trick. If he says "Fat, hairy, manless" - ask him if that's a quote. He might be quoting old Bloom County - which you can gauge if that's a plus or minus.
#22
Pay attention to the fact if everyone else in their life is the issue, not them.
Exes are crazy, coworkers are incompetent, their brother is an idiot, dad can’t do anything right, neighbors are rude. It may even be said in a backhanded complimentary way.
A guy I went out with once said on the second date that his brother didn’t appreciate all the nice stuff he did for him, I thought it was odd to share with a new date, but I let it go. That turned out to bite me later. Turned out he thought that about everyone in his life. If you see that pattern, run.
Maria Maria 4 months ago
I had this experience with a friend. Her exes were crazy and awful, her parents weren't doing enough for her, several former friends were bad, coworkers crazy and unfair, etc. When it's like that, you can be sure you are going to be next on that list. Also, if a person has no other friends than you, there is usually a reason.
Lila Allen 4 months ago
Basically if the common denominator is them...red flag. If they can't take responsibility and identify why everything around them is a mess, it's them.
Load More Replies... Grumpy old man 4 months ago
Histerocal Personality Syndrome. Lots of dramtic gays are this way. Always assuming some old lady hates them or something
#23
I can certainly echo watch how they react to minor inconveniences or frustrations.
Also how they react when you put up a boundary. I’m someone who needs alone time, and a lot of men/potential partners take that very personally rather than understanding that you have needs that have nothing to do with your feelings towards them.
When was their last dentist appointment that they set up themselves? Can they take care of themself? Can they remember details?
#24
When I online dated I would leave them on read for a day. Open the message, and not answer untill late evening or next day. I would of course apologize and say it slipped my mind/was busy all day. Just to see if they would bombard me with text and if so if they were angry.
So many did. From the "Helloooo, are you there?" to downright threats.
Edit: I would do this within the first week when it was still very casual.
Earonn - 4 months ago
Yes, the same way a driving exam is 'game playing'. If men don't like the game, they need to reign in their violent fellow guys.
Load More Replies... Ace 4 months ago
It's one thing to look at peoples' reactions but another entirely to deliberately test them like this.
Bur* 4 months ago
In a work friendship where you will likey only see the person in public before you decide to meet at a second location, sure, it would be weird to test someone like this. The deliberate test is for potential PARTNERS, to weed out the narcissist creeps who think of women should be subservient to them. 😘 Hence the poor girl getting DEATH THREATS for not responding soon enough.
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WindySwede 4 months ago
I think it's leave on 'read'. Like you've seen message, the 'read'-note is presented to the sender. But not getting an answer. And to see if the sender feels dismissed.
Load More Replies... #25
How do you feel about female body hair?
The answer tells me a ton about a man.
Luke Branwen 4 months ago
I like them the way that makes the woman feel the happiest and most confident. Hairy, shaved, everything in between, it's all good, and if I have genuine feelings for her she's gonna be the most stunnning no matter what.
Emilu 4 months ago
Curious... what would be the flag for you? Would it be the asking, or the having?
Load More Replies... Papa 4 months ago
This may give OP some information that's helpful, but I would say it's more about finding out preferences instead of a red flag.
JK 4 months ago
Not exactly, let's just say men who find *any* body hair below the eyes to be "disgusting" often have a certain penchant for the only type of female that doesnt grow hair below the eyes (if you havent worked it out, I mean *children*)
Load More Replies... g90814 4 months ago
As a gay man: body hair is fine (smooth, hairy, whatever), but stubble is not. Facial stubble is fine, but otherwise maintain whatever your choice is.
Grumpy old man 4 months ago
Lol thanks. I dont know about you, but I knew women with hair who smelled of pee... Like when that guy said tasting your soup in your beard hours later...
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Zig Zag Wanderer 4 months ago
Trimmed enough that I don't have to keep picking it out of my teeth....
JK 4 months ago
Dont know why you were downvoted. Perfectly acceptable answer, for men or women!
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#26
When you first meet, do they listen and respond or wait for their turn to talk about (usually) themselves?
#27
Travel with them for a weekend.
Sandy Jones 4 months ago
I agree, Traveling with someone can be stressful & has a way of bringing out the worst in some people
Data1001 4 months ago
There are people in my life who I adore, and who I get along with great whenever we visit each other -- but when we travel together, we totally get on each others' nerves. When you travel with other people, you are giving up a bit of your freedom, so if the other person does something (or behaves in some way) which you feel goes against what you prefer to do, it can feel like you're no longer in control of your life, and for many of us, that is an unpleasant feeling. I think it's more of an issue when both parties are stubborn and inflexible.
Salvador Figueroa 4 months ago
Another good one, traveling for some folks is VERY traumatic as you're really out of your environment. I find it enjoyable but it seems to stress alot of folks.
Zig Zag Wanderer 4 months ago
When my partner and I got together, I suggested that she join me for a road trip across Australia, Cairns to Broome and back. She said yes immediately. I pointed out that it's probably the longest trip of sweet FA in the developed world, taking about a week each way. We'd definitely get to know each other. She still said yes. We didn't in the end, spent a long weekend in bed instead 😁
#28
Just watch how they behave
- with someone that they have nothing to expect from. --> this is a huge red flag if they are all honey with someone they want something from, then are rude to a random person without valid reason
- when they are frustrated at someone/something --> This is a huge red flag if they start to blame violently anyone else around instead of acknowleding their responsibility, that is a huge red flag if they drive dangerousely to 'revenge' against someone one the road, ...
- do they respeect your boundaries ? or do they need to push it (even 'with kindness') ?
#30
Calmly and kindly express your authentic disagreement with something - an ethical principle, a date idea, an opinion - and see how they react.
#31
Do they listen when you talk?
Luke Branwen 4 months ago
I'll never understand men who complain about talkative women... I literally know nothing more attractive than a woman enthusiastically talking about something she's passionate about. I'll listen for hours if needed.
Data1001 4 months ago
Fair point, but I think men who say that are referring more to women who just gab endlessly about absolutely nothing, or the most mundane topics.
Load More Replies... #32
If someone puts the trolley back at the supermarket. It doesn’t benefit them but is so telling of their overall character.
meeeeeeeeeeee 4 months ago
They were supposed to go for dinner at a restaurant but one of them changed the plans to a supermarket shop to test how the other accepts boundaries
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Emilu 4 months ago
You have to here. Well, okay; that's not wholly true. You don't *have to* but you lose your dollar/two dollars, and I'm too cheap for that shit. 😂
nottheactualphoto 4 months ago
To my knowledge, this is only the case at Aldi.
Load More Replies... #33
Love bombing is quite an obvious sign. Wanting to spend every second with you. Being the exact person you need in that moment, if you’re going through a tough time they will be everything and more that u need. Financial problems, no problem, here’s the money. Showering you with gifts and compliments. Making you feel the most important special person in their lives. It’s not normal it’s not being kind or cute it’s manipulation and if done properly and successfully it always turns into an a*****e relationship that’s very hard to escape from.
I suppose while dating the test could be rearranging plans you had together and seeing how desperately they try to get you to change your mind/manipulate you into seeing them. A respectful person who is genuinely into you can accept a change of plans and rearrange. A red flag will go into overdrive trying to control the situation.
meeeeeeeeeeee 4 months ago
Tbf, aspies also don't like the plans being changed. It's not just abusers. If someone changed plans on me, I'd be very unimpressed because it physically pains me.
Zig Zag Wanderer 4 months ago
I dunno. My partner and I have been lovebombing each other for about 3 years now, no problems 😁
#34
Tell them you're withholding s*x until you're in a relationship. Believe me.
Rika 4 months ago
I really don't understand how you can expect to have a healthy relationship with someone when you tell them, "If you wanna f*ck me, you must tell the world we're in a relationship first!" It's like, if you wanna f*ck me, you better buy me this LV bag. It's completely okay to set conditions to dating you, but you can't call someone a red flag for not agreeing with those conditions.
JK 4 months ago
My dude - openly committing to a relationship with a person is not equal to buying a $1k handbag. Your responses to a lot of these posts is red flag central 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Load More Replies... Ace 4 months ago
Well, "no one-night stands" really ought to be assumed, so... TBF I've no idea what's considered normal in the world of online dating, but if someone's just looking for a casual séx hookup I would have thought that would be obvious from the start.
Debbie 4 months ago
Still when I said no one night stands, not even kissing on the first date, I want to get to know you first and take it slow. many still tried to do so. Or then thought it was ok at the second date. I mean, I don't have a fixed number of dates before it's ok, but if I really stress that I want to take it slow and get to know one another first, how is a second date considered slow?
Load More Replies... Giraffe Sitter 4 months ago
Sorry, but “withholding” screams transactional relationship. If you don’t want to rush into getting physical on the first or second date, that’s fine, but don’t make it about passing a test.
Craig Reynolds 4 months ago
Then I'm withholding support for you. Every date is 50/50 or it's over.
#35
Ask for their celebrity crush. I wrote a paper in college about attraction and found a few studies stating people were attracted to people they thought they shared characteristics with. Every guy who says Zoey Deschanel seems to be seeking a manic pixie dream girl, every guy who says Sydney Sweeney may not necessarily be looking beyond the surface, etc. Obviously the theory isn’t perfect, but my now husband said Hayley Williams. I hadn’t heard someone say that before and it opened a door into his music tastes. The best answer I ever heard was the cast of The Mummy, lol.
Luke Branwen 4 months ago
I don't have celebrity crushes... can I list my fictional crushes instead? 😅
spacer 4 months ago
i dont even have one, i can find certain people nice to look at but a "crush"? nope
Luke Branwen 4 months ago
Exactly. Do I think Saoirse Ronan is beautiful? Hell yeah. Would I date / spend the night with her if she hypothetically approached me and asked me to? Nah, not my thing.
Load More Replies... Emilu 4 months ago
I don't think I could even answer this question if someone asked me. I don't keep up with celebrities enough to have a crush on them. (My extent is whatever shows up on BP about them, really). I personally think that this is a ridiculous thing about which to judge someone, but okay.
Rika 4 months ago
Most of my celebrity crushes have nothing in common with my husband, they're not even the same ethnicity. And everyone I've been with had celebrity crushes that didn't look like me at all. I think the red flag would be if someone is desperate to date a person who looks like their celebrity crush. Fortunately, a majority of people don't go that far into parasocial relationships.
meeeeeeeeeeee 4 months ago
Why do people need to be beyond the surface with their f*****g celebrity crushes?
Jake Bertz 3 months ago
To be fair, the cast of The Mummy is just a list of hotties from the 90s.
#36
Be 6'1, agree to a date with a guy who says he's 6 ft tall. See how he reacts to being 4 to 5 inches shorter than you.
Stephanie A Mutti 4 months ago
I think she's saying some men lie about their height.
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Diogenes 4 months ago
Well, i am 1,66 m (i don't know, what that is in feet), so it's not seldom for me, that i am shorter than my date. And even though believe OP, that she had her experiences with men who react pathetic to meeting a woman who is taller then them, my personal experience is the other way around. A lot of women don't like it, when the man is shorter. Or even when i am taller, that i am apparently still to short. And no, i am not lying about my height before the date.
Eileen Heath 4 months ago
Hang on, I gotta go to the store to get some bananas...
Load More Replies... #37
Honestly impossible bc the worst red flags don't show that they're red. They will be green, make you get attached to them and then slowly shift into red when you're already deeply emotionally involved...
katiekat0214 4 months ago
Wrong. Learn how to spot red flags early because the tells are always there. However, I will say that yes, sometimes it takes a while for the mask to slip, the more successful a sociopath is. Lundy Bancroft says that around 18 months is when most masks come off. If someone is truly playing a long game, that's a whole other level of evil and manipulation.
#38
I ask what they think about the terms "reverse racism" and "reverse sexism.".
Dove Bradshaw 4 months ago
If they a "few specific cases" then it is a real thing!
Load More Replies... Emilu 4 months ago (edited)
Yeah... I would not entertain this on a date unless if I was in a specific mood. (TMI probably, but an argumentative mood; not a horny one.)
Load More Replies... Grumpy old man 4 months ago
Pseudo Intelectual college age girls do this. I remember from that time. I cant keep up with a girl half my age anymore. I dont have Belchek money
meeeeeeeeeeee 4 months ago
A really random way to say racism or sexism. Ya, people can be racist to whiteys and sexist to men.
#39
Tbh I don't know if this is a litmus test, but I would ask them how they feel about animals. Unless they're allergic to dogs or cats, they should like one or the other (and if not, maybe a different kind of pet like a bird). Animals are very innocent, so if someone doesn't like them I think that says a lot about them. Maybe try sending them funny cat or dog videos and see their reaction. Do they laugh or are they unamused?
Mabelbabel 4 months ago
Maybe I'm old and boring, but I really would not want my phone clogged up with funny animal videos and pointless memes etc. I'd be a bit annoyed if someone continually spammed me with those.
Emilu 4 months ago
Memes are so personal, too, as to what someone finds funny or not. I admit I have been guilty of doing things like Lost Panda's wife and sending videos to people I thought were funny. I try not to now (unless it's my mum. "You signed up for this, Mum!!" 🤣), because they're not to everybody's jam -- unless they indicate it *is* their jam, in which case... all the videos. 😂
Load More Replies... Rafael 4 months ago
I love dogs. So much so that I carry the fur of my dogs everywhere I go, whether I want it or not. As for cats... I don't like cats. And they don't care about it the least, and cuddle to me all the same. Those fluffy, warm bástards, how dare they?
Emilu 4 months ago
I think cats really do pick the person least likely to want them to be around and then give them all the love. Seen it happen so many times 😂
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Lost Panda 4 months ago
The video part no. I love cats and dogs, and doggon near all animals, but that doesn't mean I'm going to laugh at a video unless I find it funny. My wife has showed me countless videos she thought were funny. Some I laughed at some I didn't.
#40
Having armpit hair. Amazing test.
Rafael 4 months ago
Ah, the woman having it... I was wondering why men self conscious of their hygiene were being singled out...
Trillian 4 months ago (edited)
Even if it was men's hair meant: it doesn't even say if having or not having armpit hair would be the problem?
Load More Replies... #41
I see myself as a litmus test. With how people treat me I can gauge what kind of person they are.
#42
I used to ask them the following question on the first date:
*“What does it mean to you to be a good man?”*
It was a good conversation topic becasue we can talk about what makes a good person in general, they can talk about good male role models in their life, I can talk about mine, we can see if we are aligned on what it means to be a good man.
Then followed by:
*“What does masculinity mean to you?”*
If they get defensive or make it immediately about politics, done and done. I think it a great conversation topic.
If you use this make sure to explore the opposite yourself too! What does it mean to be a good woman and what femininity means to you!
Mabelbabel 4 months ago
It's a matter of opinion, but that sounds way too intense for a first date. A first date is to see if there's a connection and gauge if you'd like to spend more time with them. Once you've established a rapport, then you can start on the deeper and more abstract values and beliefs. And on a first date, most people are going to be more guarded and on their best behaviour, so words may not represent their real character-I'd rather see how they behave over time to assess their character (like do they click their fingers at wait staff, do they laugh at someone dropping something or tripping up) than what they say as a one-off.
Maria Maria 4 months ago
What does masculinity mean to you? Someone asking me that would be a huge red flag. I'd run away.
#43
See how quickly / enthusiastically they respond when you need them to do something for you.
WindySwede 4 months ago
But also leave them on 'read'? But a quick respond from them for this? 🤷♂️
#44
When the soap dispenser pump in the bathroom is out of soap, how long does it take for them to replace it?
BrownEyedGrrl 4 months ago
We have 4 bathrooms in our home. They all have soap dispensers. So does the kitchen.
Load More Replies... #45
How many long time friends they have.
Maria Maria 4 months ago
Nonsense. They may have moved around a lot because of family or work. That is the case with me.
robingd 4 months ago
My parents and I moved around a lot, about every 2-4 years. I have friends that I've known for 55 years.
Load More Replies... Mabelbabel 4 months ago (edited)
I don't think its the number of friends thats important, its whether they have old friends at all. There are some people who use up friends, they cut friends out of their lives after a time (once they can no longer be useful) and move on. Someone who only has friends that they've made in the last year or so would be a bit concerning as it could indicate they have trouble maintaining long term connections and relationships.
#46
How they feel about skylar in breaking bad.
Marissa Voleta 4 months ago
This is a funny one, but def true. I can see how people didn't like her, but after having watched the series about 10 times, I'm for Skyler. She did the best she could with what was going on. She was a strong woman who took care of her family, stood her ground, set boundaries, while trying to be a wife who stood by Walt's side. That's a TALL order.
Luke Branwen 4 months ago
If this one isn't an option, Rey from Star Wars is a good alternative
nottheactualphoto 4 months ago
I've seen a few Star Warses, but never one that had a "Rey" character.
Load More Replies... #47
This is very specific, but if you mention Beyoncé and they react with disproportionate negativity, there’s probably a problem. If it’s anything more than a “Not my type of music,” I know this person is likely not someone I want to spend time with. Beyoncé inhabits a very specific place in pop culture as a successful Black woman, and people who dislike her usually do so due to unchecked misogyny and/or racism. That’s not to say people can’t dislike her—but if they do so without nuance, they probably are just going along with everything they’ve ever heard about her unquestioningly. And I just don’t vibe with that, in friendship or romance.
Rafael 4 months ago (edited)
To repeat my comment about Taylor Swift in another entry (right now it is the previous one), which I think applies more or less the same: By coincidence had a similar talk about this with my wife. I don't hate her (Taylor Swift), I even like some of her music, and think she is pretty awesome by how she handled her scúmmy former record label. However, I'm tired of all the hype and adulation, and non stop media exposure. And some people can't separate this from "hating" the person. For Beyonce there's the additional racial layer that is very fúcked up right now in the US, and I kind of sidestep on account of being brown (so my "meh" dismissal of her music isn't normally taken as racial)
meeeeeeeeeeee 4 months ago
I don't like Beyoncé, there's something very off about her. I really dislike how she photoshops herself while pretending to be about girl power and her pretending to be this strong woman who takes no s**t but just accepts her cheating s*****g husband. plus jay Z is very close with Diddy. They are dodgy af. It's not about her race. I have no issue with Rihanna. The test might be better using Rihanna or someone less of a t**t than Beyonce
meeeeeeeeeeee 4 months ago
Right? Like pick someone who isn't super close to a peado ring
Load More Replies... Emilu 4 months ago
Yet another "don't let the door hit you on the way out, bye!!" for me. I dislike her music intensely; I am so over her that I'm probably at the stage of going under her again at this point. (Figuratively). I think she's a beautiful woman and obviously she does what she does well to the people that *do* like her music, given how popular she is. But if someone calls me a racist based on my thinking someone is overplayed and overhyped, then yes... I wouldn't want to be in a friendship or relationship with you, either.
Smeghead Tribble Down Under 4 months ago
I can't stand Beyonce, but it's got nothing to do with her fkn skin colour, JFC.
JK 4 months ago
This is awful, whilst I dont doubt her success, its the cost (and people shes trodden over) to achieve it, that i have a problem with. Let's not forget the circles she swam in (and still does), circles with people like R Kelly and P Diddy. That woman has enough power to bring all that to the light and be believed. Her silence has spoken volumes.
James Twong 4 months ago
This is giving off super fan, stalker vibes. 'I'm just a fan Alan...your biggest fan...'
#48
I ask them how they feel about Taylor Swift. I don’t care if they like her music, that’s not what’s important. The red flags almost immediately show themselves if the guy says “oh I hate her” like dude, you don’t know her. I think you just hate women.
Rafael 4 months ago
By coincidence had a similar talk about this with my wife. I don't hate her (Taylor Swift), I even like some of her music, and think she is pretty awesome by how she handled her scúmmy former record label. However, I'm tired of all the hype and adulation, and non stop media exposure. And some people can't separate this from "hating" the person.
Emilu 4 months ago
This. If you can't separate the people on the side of "I think she's overhyped, overplayed and I don't like much of her music, but she's obviously great at what she does even though it's not my thing at all" from the diatribe of "I hate her guts and I want her to perish in the fiery depths of... somewhere fiery" then, frankly, I think you're the flag. If someone came straight out with, say, "I hate her; I think she's a skank and hope she dies early from something painful" then absolutely yes, I'd have issues with that.
Load More Replies... Zig Zag Wanderer 4 months ago
I have no interest in her per se or her music. I can't stand the hype and adoration, however.
adi cosmin 4 months ago
You don't know her either. And you love her. How are you better? Also, not "women", cause Taylor swift is a stage persona, not a woman. Celebrities are not real people and that is part of their contract
Malamutes 4 months ago
This is the third one of these I've read. How do you feel about Beyonce? What do you think about Skylar? Whats your opinion on Taylor Swift? I don't give a d**n about these people. I don't like em, I don't dis-like them. I know nothing about them, and I'm not motivated enough to learn. Lets put the shoe on the other hand. How would you, as a possible romantic interest, like it if I said "What do you think about Karl Mecklenburg? Should Steve Atwater and Tom Nalen be in the HOF?" Be careful how you answer hypothetical woman, because I'm weighing the possibility of future dates on your response. Whaddya mean you've never heard of these guys, and have no clue who I'm talking about?? All three of them were in Superbowl XLV, and 162.9 million people watched it. How could you not know who they are? I'm starting to think you're not relationship material.
What do you think ?
Nils Skirnir 4 months ago
Many of these are red flags themselves. Glad I never had to date via on-line apps.
Uncle Panda 4 months ago
Playing games like this would constitute starting the relationship on dishonesty in my mind. I'd quit as soon as I realized that.
Uncle Panda 4 months ago
None of the items nor the title needed to be gendered. That was just a sleazy easy move to get clicks. That's pretty common here but Justin usually does better.
Emilu 4 months ago
So many of these could be gender-reversed, except I feel (perhaps unfairly, I'm not sure) that fewer men would be willing to play the games that some of these women are. I say this as a woman that's dated both men and women, so it's not like I detest women or anything like that, but I personally have never dated/heard of any acquaintance or friend, etc, dating a guy who would message a girl and then ghost her for a day or so just to see how she reacted to it, for example. Obviously I haven't dated everyone in the world and I'm sure there are people like this out there of both genders, but toxic behaviour is toxic, whether from man or woman.
Ol' Stevie 4 months ago
Wholeheartedly agree, none of this is gender specific.
Load More Replies... Papa 4 months ago
Is anyone else seeing ads that take up a third of your screen, won't go away, and clicking anywhere on the screen, even off the ad, goes to the site for the product being advertised? It's happened to me twice today, and the only way to make it go away is to close the browser window.
nottheactualphoto 4 months ago
Ublock Origin saved my sanity. It's a browser plugin. 100% worth having.
Load More Replies... L.V 4 months ago
Not a test, but a personal preference. I'm married, but back when I was dating, I didn't want to have s*x right away, I wanted to wait until I was confortable too do so. At least 4 ghosted me because I didn't want to do it after a couple dates, even though they said they originally wanted to date. Even had one saying it showed a "lack of commitment", because we hadn't done it after 2 weeks...
Debbie 4 months ago
This is still the case. I'm not sure how to explain "take it slow and get to know each other first" translates to let's get handy and kiss then on the second/, third date.
Load More Replies... Eileen Heath 4 months ago
Big red flag: "Hahaha kidding" after every comment, whether said or sent. And I do mean nearly every comment.
Maikai 4 months ago
Instead of going for a contrived predictable meet up, I wouldn’t waste any time. I’d shoot for getting to draw out their true colors by finding conditions that bring out critical thinking: e.g. bouldering, surfing, other basic active pursuits where interacting with others will be necessary & basic problem-solving skills will show up. This would also be an opportune set up for testing how one reacts to teamwork, agreeing to disagree, negotiating and being told no.
nottheactualphoto 4 months ago
"Bouldering?" Is that like "grey rocking?"
Load More Replies... Nils Skirnir 4 months ago
Many of these are red flags themselves. Glad I never had to date via on-line apps.
Uncle Panda 4 months ago
Playing games like this would constitute starting the relationship on dishonesty in my mind. I'd quit as soon as I realized that.
Uncle Panda 4 months ago
None of the items nor the title needed to be gendered. That was just a sleazy easy move to get clicks. That's pretty common here but Justin usually does better.
Emilu 4 months ago
So many of these could be gender-reversed, except I feel (perhaps unfairly, I'm not sure) that fewer men would be willing to play the games that some of these women are. I say this as a woman that's dated both men and women, so it's not like I detest women or anything like that, but I personally have never dated/heard of any acquaintance or friend, etc, dating a guy who would message a girl and then ghost her for a day or so just to see how she reacted to it, for example. Obviously I haven't dated everyone in the world and I'm sure there are people like this out there of both genders, but toxic behaviour is toxic, whether from man or woman.
Ol' Stevie 4 months ago
Wholeheartedly agree, none of this is gender specific.
Load More Replies... Papa 4 months ago
Is anyone else seeing ads that take up a third of your screen, won't go away, and clicking anywhere on the screen, even off the ad, goes to the site for the product being advertised? It's happened to me twice today, and the only way to make it go away is to close the browser window.
nottheactualphoto 4 months ago
Ublock Origin saved my sanity. It's a browser plugin. 100% worth having.
Load More Replies... L.V 4 months ago
Not a test, but a personal preference. I'm married, but back when I was dating, I didn't want to have s*x right away, I wanted to wait until I was confortable too do so. At least 4 ghosted me because I didn't want to do it after a couple dates, even though they said they originally wanted to date. Even had one saying it showed a "lack of commitment", because we hadn't done it after 2 weeks...
Debbie 4 months ago
This is still the case. I'm not sure how to explain "take it slow and get to know each other first" translates to let's get handy and kiss then on the second/, third date.
Load More Replies... Eileen Heath 4 months ago
Big red flag: "Hahaha kidding" after every comment, whether said or sent. And I do mean nearly every comment.
Maikai 4 months ago
Instead of going for a contrived predictable meet up, I wouldn’t waste any time. I’d shoot for getting to draw out their true colors by finding conditions that bring out critical thinking: e.g. bouldering, surfing, other basic active pursuits where interacting with others will be necessary & basic problem-solving skills will show up. This would also be an opportune set up for testing how one reacts to teamwork, agreeing to disagree, negotiating and being told no.
nottheactualphoto 4 months ago
"Bouldering?" Is that like "grey rocking?"
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