Starting college marks a new beginning; often somewhere far from home. And despite being scary sometimes, it can also be very exciting.
Redditor u/Abject_Panda_27 was looking forward to starting her college experience away from home. However, she was met with pressure from her family members, who weren’t happy about her leaving her single-mother twin sister. Their reactions made the OP wonder if she was a jerk for wanting to move out of state.
Starting college is a new chapter that often takes place somewhere far from home
Image credits: Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas (not the actual photo)
This young woman’s family wasn’t too excited about her leaving for college out of state
Image credits: Alicia (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Zhivko Minkov (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Rodolfo Quirós (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Abject_Panda_27
Quite a few students choose to attend college out of state
Image credits: Sincerely Media (no the actual photo)
Starting college is a significant moment in one’s life as it’s often followed by a time of change and new exciting experiences. For one reason or another, quite a few students decide to seek education further from home, whether it’s a different state or a different country altogether. According to HireAHelper’s College Move Index, roughly 40% of students move for college; as many as one-fifth of them move out of state (at least that’s how many did in 2021).
Data suggests that the states that see the largest number of local students leaving are generally smaller and less populated; they typically have fewer colleges and universities for them to enroll in. The leading states when it comes to the highest share of students leaving for another state are the District of Columbia (where 85% of students leave), New Hampshire (53%), and Minnesota (51%).
States on the other end of the list with the majority of students staying to get their education locally include Utah (with 92% of students staying), Arizona and California (88%), and Alabama, Mississippi, and Florida (all roughly at 87%), among others. (Back in 2016, The New York Times covered student migration in great detail, sharing information about each state.)
The College Move Index also determined which schools in the country arguably had the strongest “pull” for students in the US. Among them, Harvard University took the lead, followed by Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Yale University, and Columbia University respectively.
Children moving out of the nest can bring all sorts of emotions
Image credits: Fa Barboza (no the actual photo)
There are numerous reasons for young individuals to move out of their parents’ place, from getting accepted into their dream college far, far away to simply seeking a change of environment. But research suggests that those willing to take the plunge have to weigh quite a few significant factors, with or without college in the picture. Some of the main ones include the person’s resources, the state of the housing market, factors underlying leaving home to live with a partner or on their own, and opportunities offered by the new location.
The decision to move out of the parents’ home and leave the family can be met with varying reactions that depend on many factors, such as family dynamics or people’s attachment styles, just to name a couple. But quite often, it can become the cause of conflict among household members.
Psychotherapist and psychoanalyst F. Diane Barth suggested that things can get tense around the house right before the child leaves for college. In a piece for Psychology Today, she pointed out that when both the parents and the child feel sad and vulnerable about the upcoming separation, seemingly anything they say or do can provoke a fight.
She also referred to the idea that fighting with parents can be an adolescent’s way of differentiating themselves from them and practicing to put their ideas and thoughts into action. “So these difficult conflicts can be adaptive, even though they can also be draining,” Barth explained.
In the OP’s situation, the main cause of arguments in the family was seemingly leaving her twin sister and her little daughter. However, people in the comments suggested that the redditor shouldn’t hold herself back because of them and encouraged her to embark on the new journey of starting college.
People in the comments shared their opinions with the OP
The most important issue here is who decided that a 14 year old should carry her baby to term... especially when the father is AWOL and money was already tight for the family? Maybe the parents are religious nutjobs who wouldn't even let that girl think of an abortion.
That is the first thing I thought of. If the parents were so dead set on their 14 year old child giving birth, then they can take on all responsibility. This is appalling. I hope OP gets out as quickly as possible, and practices healthy boundaries with her family.
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Wow, and here I am, thinking family members want the best for each other.... Maybe there is something to be said for a chosen family after all, considering how toxic some families can be.
On the bright side, if you were thinking family members want the best for each other then at least you have a good family?
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If twin sis had the baby at 14, and they’re both now 18, the kid has to be four, or close, so we’re not talking about an infant demanding 24/7/365 care and attention, we’re talking a four year old who can be content for a while sitting at a table with paper and crayons. They’re now pre-school age, and next year kindergarten age. Half days in school for two years. Twin sis can then go get a part time job—-or enroll for part time classes at a local college—-either of which she can do full time when the kid hits six and is in school all day. Plus many colleges, especially community colleges, offer daycare (good practice for their Pre-School Education majors). That way, Twin sis can eventually be a self-supporting single mom making a decent salary, instead of freeloading off their parents as a forever child who never leaves the nest. So yeah, OP isn’t hamstringing anyone by going on to college out of state right now. I say leave, go limited contact, have fun in your college years, graduate, go on to grad school if you want, have YOUR life, and don’t look back. Misery loves company, and when they can’t find any, they try to create some. OP’s family is miserable with the way things are, and they’re trying to make OP join them in their misery too. Don’t do it girl!
Sensible ideas. I'm not blaming a 14-year-old for getting pregnant, but the parents don't need to make the mistake worse by dumping on their other child.
Load More Replies... This situation is very wrong and OP is right to leave. However I think comments about the sister 'spreading her legs' etc are very wrong. Someone had sex with a child who was legally too young to consent. No child should be judged for becoming pregnant.
Or the dad was another 14 year old. OP didn’t say sis was taken advantage of.
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Why do you think it ok for the baby and a girl stupid enough to get knocked up at 14, to have priority? Your Patents are TAH for neglecting one child so gravely. Why did you give them your money?? Run and dont look back -none of this is your problem or your responsibility
Sis, you're being gaslighted and have been psychologically abused by your parents, Mary, and her child. You're being made to suffer for Mary's behavior, and I would laugh in their faces as I left that house for good. Don't you dare give up this opportunity to finally be free. Tell Mary that she made her life hard so she's going to have to roll with her decision to have a baby baby. Your parents need to hear that they punished you and by mistreating you, you're leaving. Bet they will miss your wages and babysitting more than you. Girl, go to college and find a family of your own creation. Don't look back!
Not my kid, not my f*cking problem. Go to college and distance yourself from your toxic, entitled family members!
From her other comments not shown here it sounds like Mary is just sharing my with no job while OP has been working hard at school and at home and giving her earned money to the family. It's time to leave and reap the rewards of her hard woek, and create space for Mary to be required to step up. Mary needs to get a job and/or go to community college and start contributing to the family, especially since the child is old enough for preschool and soon kindergarten.
Sister chose to have a baby, parents chose to support her (indefinitely it seems), so how the hell is that the sister's problem? If the parents made her keep it, they assume 100% responsibility. Sister is now 18 with a 4 year old, there's no reason that kid can't go to pre-K and sis go to work. Messed up priorities.
Why tf is a 14 yo keeping the baby, if she hid it until she couldn't abort it it would be one thing, but even then she should probably had given it up. OP is being neglected and financially abused and needs to get tf away from there. Also OP's sister needs a therapist having a kid at that age may have side effects, also she was 14, a legal kid and under the legal age of consent where I live which is 15.
I know how she feels. I babysat my sisters kids and my brothers kid after he and his girlfriend dumped her on our mother. My mothers reasoning I’m supposed to help family. She also figured it would make me not want kids. I would end up watching four kid days at the age of 10 from sunup to sundown. Sometimes my she would be at work other times I’m told they were running errands. When I became a teen I would disappear all day/night or weekend. When I came home it wasn’t”I was worried where have you been” it was “where have you been we needed you to babysit”. I actually was in the basement once and they didn’t know it. Now my mother is mad because she wants me to take care of her. I’m taking care of her finances with her retirement but she’s not going to live with me.
I'm curious. Did you have kids? One of the reasons I hesitated when it came to having my own kids was because I had to watch my step-siblings all the freaking time. Believe me, I ran as soon as I could after high school graduation!
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Isn't sex with a minor, I'd think that 14 is a minor, also called statutory rape? Why in all that's holy has she had the child? Hasn't the OP been parentified? So many things that have gone wrong that OP has born the brunt of. The one who got pregnant should be working by now. It's her child and it is not up to her sister to support her.
Girl, you are not Cinderella, and these are not your wicked step mother and step sister. Don't let them make your life choices for you now that you're making a real life for yourself. Run and enjoy the fruits of your hard work while you can.
I hope she made it out of there and is living a happy healthy life!
YNTA your parents and sister are! Your parents are responsible for her and she’s responsible for the consequences of getting pregnant 2 times. Move, go to college and get on with YOUR life.
Run, do not walk, as fast as you can to college. Take EVERYTHING of value, monetary or otherwise, so it doesn't get "lost" or tossed. Go as little contact as possible, but go full NC if they keep trying to guilt you. YOU did not make the mistake your twin did, so YOU aren't required to give up your future!
The parents need to step up here, all three of them. A single woman can take care of a 4 year old all by herself especially with no rent, car payment or insurance payments. This 'baby' will be starting school soon and Mary will be able to get a part time job. It was Mary's choice that lead them here whether it was her choice to have sex or to carry the baby to term, Mary made this decision, Mary should be responsible for the consequences not her sister who did not make the decision, is not actually the same person as Mary and has no responsibility here. Go to college so you can have a life, Mary is an adult now too and needs to step up and take care of her own child and figure out how to support them both and move out from your parents so they can age in peace. And if you continue to let them use you, you'll be a lot more valuable with a good college degree. Don't waste this opportunity with a stupid major.
I am confused... How many kids does Mary have? She got pregnant at 14, but that was four years ago, so that can not be the baby her parents expect her sister to take care of now... So Mary must have both the baby her sister is writing about plus an older kid (3-4 years old), or...? But on the other hand, it sounds as of there is only one child... The OP writes about her niece... But a child conceived over 4 years ago is no baby... She stopped being a baby 2-3 years ago...
3 year Olds are harder to care for than babies and 100 times more active
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This is why children shouldn't be forced to bear a rapist's baby. And she WAS raped. A child cannot legally consent. A middle school girl was raped, then forced to carry, birth, and raise it. That is child abuse, trafficking, and neglect. OP needs to get out of that house before they find a more direct method of forcing her to be a teen mom.
How do you know she was raped? In some states 14 is the legal age for consent (lookin’ at you, Deep South).
Load More Replies... The most important issue here is who decided that a 14 year old should carry her baby to term... especially when the father is AWOL and money was already tight for the family? Maybe the parents are religious nutjobs who wouldn't even let that girl think of an abortion.
That is the first thing I thought of. If the parents were so dead set on their 14 year old child giving birth, then they can take on all responsibility. This is appalling. I hope OP gets out as quickly as possible, and practices healthy boundaries with her family.
Load More Replies... Wow, and here I am, thinking family members want the best for each other.... Maybe there is something to be said for a chosen family after all, considering how toxic some families can be.
On the bright side, if you were thinking family members want the best for each other then at least you have a good family?
Load More Replies... If twin sis had the baby at 14, and they’re both now 18, the kid has to be four, or close, so we’re not talking about an infant demanding 24/7/365 care and attention, we’re talking a four year old who can be content for a while sitting at a table with paper and crayons. They’re now pre-school age, and next year kindergarten age. Half days in school for two years. Twin sis can then go get a part time job—-or enroll for part time classes at a local college—-either of which she can do full time when the kid hits six and is in school all day. Plus many colleges, especially community colleges, offer daycare (good practice for their Pre-School Education majors). That way, Twin sis can eventually be a self-supporting single mom making a decent salary, instead of freeloading off their parents as a forever child who never leaves the nest. So yeah, OP isn’t hamstringing anyone by going on to college out of state right now. I say leave, go limited contact, have fun in your college years, graduate, go on to grad school if you want, have YOUR life, and don’t look back. Misery loves company, and when they can’t find any, they try to create some. OP’s family is miserable with the way things are, and they’re trying to make OP join them in their misery too. Don’t do it girl!
Sensible ideas. I'm not blaming a 14-year-old for getting pregnant, but the parents don't need to make the mistake worse by dumping on their other child.
Load More Replies... This situation is very wrong and OP is right to leave. However I think comments about the sister 'spreading her legs' etc are very wrong. Someone had sex with a child who was legally too young to consent. No child should be judged for becoming pregnant.
Or the dad was another 14 year old. OP didn’t say sis was taken advantage of.
Load More Replies... Why do you think it ok for the baby and a girl stupid enough to get knocked up at 14, to have priority? Your Patents are TAH for neglecting one child so gravely. Why did you give them your money?? Run and dont look back -none of this is your problem or your responsibility
Sis, you're being gaslighted and have been psychologically abused by your parents, Mary, and her child. You're being made to suffer for Mary's behavior, and I would laugh in their faces as I left that house for good. Don't you dare give up this opportunity to finally be free. Tell Mary that she made her life hard so she's going to have to roll with her decision to have a baby baby. Your parents need to hear that they punished you and by mistreating you, you're leaving. Bet they will miss your wages and babysitting more than you. Girl, go to college and find a family of your own creation. Don't look back!
Not my kid, not my f*cking problem. Go to college and distance yourself from your toxic, entitled family members!
From her other comments not shown here it sounds like Mary is just sharing my with no job while OP has been working hard at school and at home and giving her earned money to the family. It's time to leave and reap the rewards of her hard woek, and create space for Mary to be required to step up. Mary needs to get a job and/or go to community college and start contributing to the family, especially since the child is old enough for preschool and soon kindergarten.
Sister chose to have a baby, parents chose to support her (indefinitely it seems), so how the hell is that the sister's problem? If the parents made her keep it, they assume 100% responsibility. Sister is now 18 with a 4 year old, there's no reason that kid can't go to pre-K and sis go to work. Messed up priorities.
Why tf is a 14 yo keeping the baby, if she hid it until she couldn't abort it it would be one thing, but even then she should probably had given it up. OP is being neglected and financially abused and needs to get tf away from there. Also OP's sister needs a therapist having a kid at that age may have side effects, also she was 14, a legal kid and under the legal age of consent where I live which is 15.
I know how she feels. I babysat my sisters kids and my brothers kid after he and his girlfriend dumped her on our mother. My mothers reasoning I’m supposed to help family. She also figured it would make me not want kids. I would end up watching four kid days at the age of 10 from sunup to sundown. Sometimes my she would be at work other times I’m told they were running errands. When I became a teen I would disappear all day/night or weekend. When I came home it wasn’t”I was worried where have you been” it was “where have you been we needed you to babysit”. I actually was in the basement once and they didn’t know it. Now my mother is mad because she wants me to take care of her. I’m taking care of her finances with her retirement but she’s not going to live with me.
I'm curious. Did you have kids? One of the reasons I hesitated when it came to having my own kids was because I had to watch my step-siblings all the freaking time. Believe me, I ran as soon as I could after high school graduation!
Load More Replies... Isn't sex with a minor, I'd think that 14 is a minor, also called statutory rape? Why in all that's holy has she had the child? Hasn't the OP been parentified? So many things that have gone wrong that OP has born the brunt of. The one who got pregnant should be working by now. It's her child and it is not up to her sister to support her.
Girl, you are not Cinderella, and these are not your wicked step mother and step sister. Don't let them make your life choices for you now that you're making a real life for yourself. Run and enjoy the fruits of your hard work while you can.
I hope she made it out of there and is living a happy healthy life!
YNTA your parents and sister are! Your parents are responsible for her and she’s responsible for the consequences of getting pregnant 2 times. Move, go to college and get on with YOUR life.
Run, do not walk, as fast as you can to college. Take EVERYTHING of value, monetary or otherwise, so it doesn't get "lost" or tossed. Go as little contact as possible, but go full NC if they keep trying to guilt you. YOU did not make the mistake your twin did, so YOU aren't required to give up your future!
The parents need to step up here, all three of them. A single woman can take care of a 4 year old all by herself especially with no rent, car payment or insurance payments. This 'baby' will be starting school soon and Mary will be able to get a part time job. It was Mary's choice that lead them here whether it was her choice to have sex or to carry the baby to term, Mary made this decision, Mary should be responsible for the consequences not her sister who did not make the decision, is not actually the same person as Mary and has no responsibility here. Go to college so you can have a life, Mary is an adult now too and needs to step up and take care of her own child and figure out how to support them both and move out from your parents so they can age in peace. And if you continue to let them use you, you'll be a lot more valuable with a good college degree. Don't waste this opportunity with a stupid major.
I am confused... How many kids does Mary have? She got pregnant at 14, but that was four years ago, so that can not be the baby her parents expect her sister to take care of now... So Mary must have both the baby her sister is writing about plus an older kid (3-4 years old), or...? But on the other hand, it sounds as of there is only one child... The OP writes about her niece... But a child conceived over 4 years ago is no baby... She stopped being a baby 2-3 years ago...
3 year Olds are harder to care for than babies and 100 times more active
Load More Replies... This is why children shouldn't be forced to bear a rapist's baby. And she WAS raped. A child cannot legally consent. A middle school girl was raped, then forced to carry, birth, and raise it. That is child abuse, trafficking, and neglect. OP needs to get out of that house before they find a more direct method of forcing her to be a teen mom.
How do you know she was raped? In some states 14 is the legal age for consent (lookin’ at you, Deep South).
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