Daughter Excludes 2 ‘Boring’ Girls From Her Birthday Party, Mom Instructs Her To Invite Everybody
Interview
Having a cool 12th birthday party is a big deal, you know? You want to be the coolest person in your class, for everybody to be talking about your birthday and for only the coolest people to be able to attend. However, when you are 12, sometimes moms may get in the way and destroy our epic plans…
Well, about that – not long ago, one Reddit user shared her story online asking community members if she was being unfair for telling her daughter to invite all her classmates, including ‘uncool’ kids that she excluded, to her birthday party.
More info: Reddit
Being ‘mean girls’ may look, let’s say, powerful, but it’s always better to be kind to everybody
Image credits: Ivan Samkov (not the actual photo)
Daughter plans to have a ‘cool’ birthday party with a lot of friends
Image credits: Ron Lach (not the actual photo)
As it turns out, she plans to invite the whole class except 2 girls, because they have no fashion sense and are boring
Image credits: Vlada Karpovich (not the actual photo)
Mom adds that her daughter has changed a lot and she didn’t like the way she was talking, so she instructed her to invite everybody
Image credits: u/CuteCoyote2080
Her daughter got upset and called this unfair as it’s her birthday and it’s supposed to be for her
A Reddit user shared her story online asking folks for their opinions regarding the recent situation with her daughter’s 12th birthday party planning. The woman asks if she was wrong for instructing her daughter to invite everybody from her class, including 2 girls that were excluded as they are ‘uncool’. The post received 5.5K upvotes and almost 3K comments.
She starts by explaining that her daughter is well liked in school, has many friends and wants to have a ‘cool’ birthday party which she plans to spend playing laser tag. She’s even planning the color themes, decorations and invitations – so, as you can see, it’s a big deal. However, when printing invitations, she shared that she is inviting everybody from her class except 2 girls.
OP found out that these girls hadn’t hurt her daughter, she just doesn’t like them, because nobody likes them as they have no fashion sense and are boring in general. Mom didn’t agree with this view and instructed her daughter to invite everybody, which was met with the daughter’s frustration.
The post author received the ‘Not the A-hole’ badge but community members shared similar situations they have been through and had different memories. “In middle school (13 yo) I was a forced invitee to a popular girl’s b-day party. Had to invite the whole class, exactly like this. I was actually really happy. It just felt nice to be included for once, and I had a really great time,” one user remembered.
On the contrary, another wrote “I was the girl that someone forced their daughter to invite to a sleepover/birthday. It was awful. Nobody really wanted to talk to me.”
Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)
Additionally, we contacted Vicki Broadbent, Bored Panda’s parenting expert, and she kindly agreed to share her insights regarding influence on a kid’s early friendships, how parents can address judgments of other kids with their children and red flags that parents can spot from their kids’ friendships.
To begin with, Vicki shares that early friendships can be formative and being excluded, especially in school, can have long-lasting effects. “It took me years personally to overcome being excluded by a group of so-called friends in the first week of starting high school.”
“I was alone for weeks, friendless, eating my lunch in the school toilet (!) before finding a new friendship group and it honestly took therapy as an adult and years to overcome trust issues with new friends because of it,” she adds. Now, she teaches her children repeatedly how important it is to include everyone and uses the motto “you can sit with me”.
Additionally, the parenting expert notes that children are easily impressionable, so sitting down with them and candidly but gently discussing any friendship issues at school is key. Encourage them to feel empathy towards those excluded, such as by asking them to imagine how they would feel if they were in their place, followed by asking them for suggestions on how they can rectify the issues.
Vicki notes that speaking about the girls that criticize the other two shows their immaturity and how impressionable they are. “We were all young once so whilst we can be compassionate towards their naive behavior, we also have a duty to guide them and ditto to prevent others from feeling upset or bullied,” she adds.
So by guiding and advising how to be open to everyone, not judging others on their appearance or choices and celebrating everyone’s individuality and brilliance shining through is critical. Vicki advises parents that it’s a must to practice and demonstrate what they preach. And if the behavior prevails, practically taking your children out of their limiting friendship group more, nurturing new friendships through sports, music or drama classes outside of the pressures which exist at school could help open their eyes to a different way of behaving and acting.
Now, speaking about this exact situation, Vicki emphasizes “I think the parents did the morally right thing here, they were inclusive and kind, modeling caring behavior to their child who was hosting the party. This way too, the ball is in the court of the usually excluded girls to decide whether they are comfortable in attending the party or not.”
And what do you think about this situation? Was the parent right to include all the kids from the class, or did the birthday girl have every right to decide by herself who she wants to invite? Share your opinion below!
Redditors had discussion and various opinions regarding this situation
I think giving her a choice between everyone or half the class is a fair compromise
Sounds like giving her an option called " you will only be friends whom I want to be your friends" .
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I don't need to say anything the first comment in the post basically summed it up
I was in support of OP until I read that comment and it opened my eyes to what could happen. It seemed unfair to me to seemingly leave those two out but I now see it being justifiably unfair to "pity invite" them into a situation no one wants them at.
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I think middle school is a good age to stop inviting the whole class. That being said, handing out the invites privately should come into play as well. My kinder kid invites everyone because they are 5. They play (fairly) nicely no matter what. *My kinder even says she has a memesis named Otis, but he's coming to her party. My 9 and 14 year olds invite who they want.
As the weird kid with no fashion sense, please don't invite someone who no one wants to come. It doesn't boost confidence, it just forces an uncomfortable social situation. Don't dress it up as teaching benevolence, this is just a parent refusing to let go of the everyone could be friends if they tried fantasy, usually held onto by people I didn't want to hang out with.
Yup. Please god no. If she just sticks to the kids she’s actually friends with (no way is she friends with the whole class except those two kids), the whole thing becomes moot anyway.
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I’m not sure it was the right choice, but my mom had a solution to this. My only sister was spoilt. She didn’t want to invite 4 or 5 kids in her class because they were “dorks” and too immature. My mom said, “okay!” The weekend before her party, she announced she was taking us boys to Disneyland. My sis was super excited & my mom said, “oh, sorry. Didn’t you hear me? I’m just taking the boys.” My sister was completely dismayed & then angry/upset. She asked why. To which she replied, “Disneyland is for geeks or dorks. You’ve made it clear that’s not the company you want to keep. Also, you’re just so young and immature.” After a fit of rage then heartbreak , my mom asked her why she felt so bad. She then said she imagined the classmates she was excluding would prob feel exactly the same. My sis got the message along with what it would feel like to be ignored when she obviously came on the trip. She realized she had to invite them & do her best to include/integrate them.
Sorry but as a former lonely girl, I find your mother's ways rather tough. Class mates are not supposed to be all very close, people are free to choose their friends. This has nothing to do with family which you don't choose. So she's free not to like some people and not invite them. Just like we adults do every day.
Load More Replies... Yep. Invite those 2 kids and they will be bullied more than they likely are now.
I know op would not see this, but inviting everyone is not a good idea. if your daughter is downright bullying them, she needs to be taught a lesson, but just not liking someone and not wanting them at your party is not bullying. and it would be hard time for those girls too. and plus, it your daughter's birthday. she gets the final say and the decisions. if the doesn't want them there, then they shouldn't be there.
Forcing your daughter to invite someone whom she doesn't like, on her birthday is not a brilliant step. YTA.
As the girl who has never cared about makeup and clothes at ANY age, those girls do not want the invitations. They aren't interested in conversation that is focused on makeup and clothes. They don't want to go to a party with the most shallow, annoying people they know. She should be trying to encourage her daughter to be less shallow herself, rather than forcing her to include classmates who want nothing to do with that scene.
As a former lonely girl, I can relate being invited out of pity is a terrible thing to do if the main person (here, the girl whose birthday is to be celebrated) doesn't want to. If she wanted to include them, she would have done so far before her birthday party. Why should her day be about inclusion and not about being with whoever she cares for? You can talk with her about the situation, to make her understand how the lonely girls must feel being rejected, but not force her to invite them. All it will bring shall be even more resentment. Don't try to force feelings, it never works this way.
Sometimes I come here to get my fill on other people's drama and sometimes I learn to see things a little differently. This post was one of those. I felt OP was correct in wanting her daughter to include the 2 girls but after reading through the comments I've learned that it would be much worse for those 2 girls to be invited than to be left out. Hopefully OP does take those red flags and is able to give guidance in regards to what type of person her daughter wants to be; just not at the other girls' expense.
Exactly. 12 is old enough to choose your own friends, it is also old enough to understand empathy and the jerk move of inviting everyone except the two weird kids. Being more selective in the invites, and teaching her kid not to go around telling everyone her mom told her she can't invite everyone because of the weird kids, ,leading to endless weird kid torture. Frankly I find the daughters attitude concerning and I'd nip that right in the bud.
It's a tough one - all my instincts say it's wrong to leave out 2 people only out of invites. But will forcing to invite them cause more harm? One thing for sure, like OP said red flags go up when the kid says the reason to not invite someone is that they're boring or untrendy: this is at least a good prompt to try teach the kid about empathy (important at this age), but maybe not by using the other kids as a tool for that purpose. Moreover, the kid should really understand what's going on: who actually wants to be a basic follower, not a leader?? We adults know those who are not part of the herd will become the stars in the future. Maybe those "boring" kids actually think your kid is basic AF, and wouldn't come even if invited! Not trying to diss anyone, but food for thought.
Load More Replies... I think giving her a choice between everyone or half the class is a fair compromise
Sounds like giving her an option called " you will only be friends whom I want to be your friends" .
Load More Replies... I don't need to say anything the first comment in the post basically summed it up
I was in support of OP until I read that comment and it opened my eyes to what could happen. It seemed unfair to me to seemingly leave those two out but I now see it being justifiably unfair to "pity invite" them into a situation no one wants them at.
Load More Replies... I think middle school is a good age to stop inviting the whole class. That being said, handing out the invites privately should come into play as well. My kinder kid invites everyone because they are 5. They play (fairly) nicely no matter what. *My kinder even says she has a memesis named Otis, but he's coming to her party. My 9 and 14 year olds invite who they want.
As the weird kid with no fashion sense, please don't invite someone who no one wants to come. It doesn't boost confidence, it just forces an uncomfortable social situation. Don't dress it up as teaching benevolence, this is just a parent refusing to let go of the everyone could be friends if they tried fantasy, usually held onto by people I didn't want to hang out with.
Yup. Please god no. If she just sticks to the kids she’s actually friends with (no way is she friends with the whole class except those two kids), the whole thing becomes moot anyway.
Load More Replies... I’m not sure it was the right choice, but my mom had a solution to this. My only sister was spoilt. She didn’t want to invite 4 or 5 kids in her class because they were “dorks” and too immature. My mom said, “okay!” The weekend before her party, she announced she was taking us boys to Disneyland. My sis was super excited & my mom said, “oh, sorry. Didn’t you hear me? I’m just taking the boys.” My sister was completely dismayed & then angry/upset. She asked why. To which she replied, “Disneyland is for geeks or dorks. You’ve made it clear that’s not the company you want to keep. Also, you’re just so young and immature.” After a fit of rage then heartbreak , my mom asked her why she felt so bad. She then said she imagined the classmates she was excluding would prob feel exactly the same. My sis got the message along with what it would feel like to be ignored when she obviously came on the trip. She realized she had to invite them & do her best to include/integrate them.
Sorry but as a former lonely girl, I find your mother's ways rather tough. Class mates are not supposed to be all very close, people are free to choose their friends. This has nothing to do with family which you don't choose. So she's free not to like some people and not invite them. Just like we adults do every day.
Load More Replies... Yep. Invite those 2 kids and they will be bullied more than they likely are now.
I know op would not see this, but inviting everyone is not a good idea. if your daughter is downright bullying them, she needs to be taught a lesson, but just not liking someone and not wanting them at your party is not bullying. and it would be hard time for those girls too. and plus, it your daughter's birthday. she gets the final say and the decisions. if the doesn't want them there, then they shouldn't be there.
Forcing your daughter to invite someone whom she doesn't like, on her birthday is not a brilliant step. YTA.
As the girl who has never cared about makeup and clothes at ANY age, those girls do not want the invitations. They aren't interested in conversation that is focused on makeup and clothes. They don't want to go to a party with the most shallow, annoying people they know. She should be trying to encourage her daughter to be less shallow herself, rather than forcing her to include classmates who want nothing to do with that scene.
As a former lonely girl, I can relate being invited out of pity is a terrible thing to do if the main person (here, the girl whose birthday is to be celebrated) doesn't want to. If she wanted to include them, she would have done so far before her birthday party. Why should her day be about inclusion and not about being with whoever she cares for? You can talk with her about the situation, to make her understand how the lonely girls must feel being rejected, but not force her to invite them. All it will bring shall be even more resentment. Don't try to force feelings, it never works this way.
Sometimes I come here to get my fill on other people's drama and sometimes I learn to see things a little differently. This post was one of those. I felt OP was correct in wanting her daughter to include the 2 girls but after reading through the comments I've learned that it would be much worse for those 2 girls to be invited than to be left out. Hopefully OP does take those red flags and is able to give guidance in regards to what type of person her daughter wants to be; just not at the other girls' expense.
Exactly. 12 is old enough to choose your own friends, it is also old enough to understand empathy and the jerk move of inviting everyone except the two weird kids. Being more selective in the invites, and teaching her kid not to go around telling everyone her mom told her she can't invite everyone because of the weird kids, ,leading to endless weird kid torture. Frankly I find the daughters attitude concerning and I'd nip that right in the bud.
It's a tough one - all my instincts say it's wrong to leave out 2 people only out of invites. But will forcing to invite them cause more harm? One thing for sure, like OP said red flags go up when the kid says the reason to not invite someone is that they're boring or untrendy: this is at least a good prompt to try teach the kid about empathy (important at this age), but maybe not by using the other kids as a tool for that purpose. Moreover, the kid should really understand what's going on: who actually wants to be a basic follower, not a leader?? We adults know those who are not part of the herd will become the stars in the future. Maybe those "boring" kids actually think your kid is basic AF, and wouldn't come even if invited! Not trying to diss anyone, but food for thought.
Load More Replies...
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