“I’m Very Keen On Consent And Protecting My Baby’s Privacy”: Mom Is Mad At MIL After She Changed Her Baby’s Diaper
Everyone tends to think that their approach to parenting is the best one and that they and they alone know what’s best for their children. And, in part, that’s very true. But asking for help or a spot of advice isn’t something that should be judged. Quite the opposite—it’s the mature thing to do. Luckily, there are plenty of places on the internet where parents can do just that. And anonymously, too, so there’s no ‘shame’ in asking for someone’s input.
One mom took to the popular Mumsnet forum to ask the community for their thoughts on whether she was being unreasonable to limit who can and cannot change her baby’s diapers. All in the name of consent, something that she values very much and that many parents would agree is an important issue. Scroll down for the mom’s post, as well as how everyone reacted to it.
Bored Panda wanted to learn more about teaching kids the importance of consent, so we reached out to Jayneen Sanders, a children’s safety and education advocate, elementary school teacher, mother of three, and the author of over 100 stories for children. Her goal is to help keep children safe by teaching them age-appropriate and empowering prevention education. Jayneen, from Australia, explained to us when formal lessons about consent can begin, how parents can establish healthy boundaries with their relatives when it comes to their kids, and kindly walked us through what lessons ought to be taught at what age. Read on for her insights.
Consent is an important topic. However, they can create rifts in families if some members don’t communicate about it
Image credits: Yan Krukau (not the actual photo)
One parent believes that her baby’s grandparents shouldn’t be allowed to change its diapers
Image credits: RODNAE Productions (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Mum070322
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Parents can start having conversations about consent with their children from an early age
According to children’s safety advocate Jayneen, from Educate2Empower Publishing, it is never too early to begin having conversations about consent with your children.
“If consent and respect are modeled to children from an early age, it is what they naturally come to expect. However, formal lessons in consent can begin from around the age of 2 years,” the children’s book writer explained to Bored Panda.
“If a family member values and understands the importance of consent and practices it themselves, then they will know how to change the child’s diaper respectfully. If they do not appreciate the importance of consent, then maybe the parent or carer can provide a simple explanation as to why consent and respect are so important to their family,” Jayneen offered some advice.
“A child’s voice is important. Just like adults, they too have a body boundary and it is their right for it to be respected. Of course, if the child is non-verbal, we cannot ask for consent but we can explain what we are doing and why,” she told us.
“For example, ‘I just need to move your arms so I can put you into your seatbelt. My job is to keep you safe so that is why I need to move your arms into the straps.’ For non-verbal children, it is as simple as explaining what you are doing as you interact with them. As children begin to speak, offer them more choice. For example, ‘Would you like to lift your arms up or shall I do that for you? We need to put on your seatbelt to keep you safe.’”
Image credits: RODNAE Productions (not the actual photo)
As the kids grow, they can start learning more about body safety
The children’s safety advocate also shared some useful guidelines for what lessons about consent and body safety parents can teach their children at what age. She noted that all children are different, so the guide is only approximate. What’s more, these important conversations are ongoing and can happen over many years.
Writer Jayneen suggests using the correct terms for your child’s private parts from the moment they’re born. It’s important to tell your child what you’re doing to their body and why, notice how their body language changes, and ensure that health professionals also talk to your child about what they’re doing.
From the age of 2 to 3, parents can introduce the term ‘body boundary,’ and explain that everyone needs to ask for consent before entering this ‘invisible space.’ Jayneen explained that, at this point, you can teach your kids that they are free to say ‘no’ to any hugs or kisses, as well as any ‘tickling games.’ You should also consider informing older children and adults that if your child says ‘no’ or ‘stop,’ that they should comply. Meanwhile, parents can let their children make more choices and have more agency in their daily lives if it’s safe to do so.
From the age of 3 onwards, parents can continue to reinforce the concepts of consent and body boundaries. Meanwhile, they formally teach their children about feeling safe and unsafe, creating a safety network, the difference between secrets and surprises, the difference between safe and unsafe touch, how private parts are private, and what to do if they’re touched inappropriately.
Image credits: Arina Krasnikova (not the actual photo)
All family members must be on the same page when it comes to consent
To be very clear, consent is an essential topic to cover, and something that kids should learn about from an early age. However, the question isn’t just about that and when those lessons should start. It’s also about what to do when you have an urgent problem on your hands that a relative decides to take care of themselves—like changing a smelly diaper.
In short, the mom who posted on Mumsnet wants only herself and her partner to be the ones to change her child’s diapers. The OP notes that she is not entirely happy with the baby’s grandparents changing the nappies. Though she does mention that she’d be fine with others doing this under some circumstances, say at a nursery or while they’re babysitting the child.
The mom wrote that she’s been finding her mother-in-law increasingly “more overbearing” and is “getting close to drawing a line.” In other words, she wants the grandparents to get the parents’ approval before they take the initiative and change their grandchild’s diapers. However, not everyone on the internet could quite understand where she was coming from.
Two main issues clash here. On one side of the fence, you have a mom who has a clear understanding of her own values and wants to raise her child to understand the importance of consent, privacy, and body autonomy. On the other side of the fence, you have the simple question of practicality: the way the OP envisions things doesn’t necessarily mesh well with how things sometimes work in reality.
Image credits: August de Richelieu (not the actual photo)
Some readers considered that the main issue might not have been consent but the mother-in-law
For instance, it feels a bit peculiar that she has a problem with her mother-in-law taking care of the baby while also mentioning that a babysitter doing the same might not be all that bad. With everything that parents have to do (taking care of their children juggling work, doing the chores, etc.), many adults would be happy that someone close to them is offering to lend a hand.
The people who thought they were lending a helping hand might feel confused if they’re berated for trying to be kind, especially if you hadn’t explained to them the importance of consent to them. Of course, if you already had this conversation with them (once, twice, or even more), it’s a different story entirely if they keep ignoring your boundaries.
Some Mumsnet users wondered whether the OP might in fact simply have an issue specifically with her mother-in-law. Most readers thought that she was being a bit unreasonable towards the baby’s grandparents. A baby cannot understand simple or difficult concepts. However, as the kid develops, consent becomes an important concept for them to internalize.
To put it simply, there is no ‘perfect’ age when to start teaching them about this. Even though your baby doesn’t understand informed consent at all, as it can’t even speak or reason about deep philosophical concepts yet, you could start by talking to them about what you’re doing with their body as you change their diapers or wash their body. You’re subconsciously setting the foundation for future lessons.
Teaching kids about consent is essential because it educates them about how to protect their privacy, boundaries, and autonomy in the future, and teaches them how to be respectful of other people. It helps them push back against unwanted physical contact while also helping them consider what behaviors others might find unwanted. In other words, the child learns that they have the freedom to say ‘no’ to unwanted physical contact, and understands the boundaries of (in)appropriate behavior, whether in a family context or when interacting with strangers.
Many internet users criticized the mom for her approach and couldn’t quite understand her logic
Say it with me folks: Babies cannot consent! They can be comfortable or uncomfortable with things, but those little brains cannot make decisions for themselves. That's what caregivers are for. Start worrying about consent when your kid understands the difference between yes and no.
@Monday....Thank you for saying that. I couldn't have said it better myself. OP needs therapy to get past these issues.
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The babies don't care about consent. It's literally s******g itself without realizing it, what consent are you planning to get from it?
It's not about asking the baby for consent, it's about asking the parents for consent. The diaper's getting changed either way.
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there was an article by someone i read once that said you shouldnt change a babies nappy without consent how exactly does a baby give consent let alone understand the concept and even if they do understand and say no are you supposed to leave them in a poopy nappy until they give consent
Throwing in a thought, I think this is from Gwenna Lakeland. She doesn't ask her young children for consent to do something that is necessary for their health and safety. She can't, for example, not change a diaper or not bathe them. So asking for consent or permission or anything is counterproductive to the lesson she's trying to teach - if the kid doesn't consent but the situation has to happen anyway, it's teaching that adults won't pay attention if you don't agree. In those situations, she offers autonomy in other ways - offering to let the kid choose between two diaper change locations, or which parent bathes them.
Load More Replies... Everyone here is making really valid comments. The only thing not mentioned that I picked up on is zero mention of the baby's father and how he feels about his own Mother trying to help.
Don't poke that hornets nest. "He didn't carry the child for 9 months, so he has no say..."
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This is 100% about the MIL and her relationship with OP and nothing to do with the nappy/diaper. Or consent. "I'm starting to find her more overbearing" makes me think OP is having her parenting questioned by MIL who needs to step back and respect the parental privilege to raise their child as they see fit, but OP needs to be open and honest with herself that consent and privacy are not what she is protecting here.
I see both sides here, but at the end of the day the grandparent has seen it, done it had to wash the t- shirt experience and usually are just trying to help, give pointers to the new parent. The new parent may not like it with their first born, but I'm sure that when they become the grandparent, they'll be offering the same advice to that next generation.
Load More Replies... This isn’t about privacy and consent - this is about OP’s sense of boundaries with they MIL. OP said they are happy for a babysitter or nursery to change the nappy, but prickled at the MIL. This is a very normal phase most mothers I have known go through as everyone works out comfortable boundaries they feel with their parents and parents-in-law and their kids. And it can be manifested in all sorts of ways: MIL taking over pushing the pram, changing the baby, feeding the kids junk food, touching the baby while they’re breastfeeding, buying older kids expensive gadgets, paying for University if the child agrees to do a particular course - the list can go on for ever. This OP felt a boundary was overstepped by the MIL taking over a basic care need for their little baby without asking them first. There’s no right answer, here - boundaries are very subjective things. OP needs to simply say “Can you please check with me before nappy changing?” Or “Can you leave the nappies for me, please?”
I totally agree! I have the same issue when my parents "help me out" with various tasks that people tell me I should be grateful for. But I've asked them many many times not to do this and they still disregard that boundary. So much so that I'm keeping a lot of distance from them. Also, repeating a list of things I do NOT want them to do every time I see them - for those who have mentioned communication issues - is not practical. Whether it's "unreasonable" or "neurosis" or however people have described this depends entirely on the relationship between the mother and MIL. No need to add insult to injury.
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I think the grandmother was trying to be a grandmother. However, the baby can't give consent to anything. Therefore grandma should've asked mom if it was okay. But honestly I think they are both in the right. Grandma needs to ask, mom needs to chill a little. My grandma wanted my parents to pierce my ears when I was a baby. My dad said no because I can't give permission, he wanted me to choose when I was able to. And I love him for that, I got my ears pierced a week or so ago and I'm glad I got to choose.
People get mad cause relatives wont help with the baby and they get mad if they do? You have to ask permission to change the babys diaper? I doubt she does that every time she changes the diapers. Exhausting....
People are making a big thing about consent of the baby. It was consent of the mother at that particular time that the poster is talking about. Also the fact that she was right there "on-site" so to speak and grandmother took over. However, she should have said at the time and not in retrospect feel the need to b***h about it
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 OMG! I would have been THRILLED to have ANY other human being change my kiss’s diapers! This person needs therapy!
This is the kind of behavior that gives crazy conservatives the excuse to dismiss people who are just trying to be respectful as being 'woke extremists'. It's insane. Ridiculous.
??? Grandma changed the baby's nappy instead of handing the baby back to you and saying, he needs changing, and you're complaining????? Do you know how many new mothers would die for someone that helpful???!!! Fess up, OP, this isn't about your MIL changing the nappy without the baby's 'consent' (babies can't consent, lol) but it's about your feeling that your MIL is overbearing. You need to identify for yourself what you MIL is doing that you actually find overbearing (comes over without warning, takes baby away from you without your permission? insists on holding baby too long when you want to feed him or bathe him? interferes in your parenting by telling you you are doing it wrong or ignores your rules??), discuss it with your husband and when you two have decided what, if anything, needs changing, then the two of you discuss with MIL and ask her to change that particular aspect of her behavior. It's not about the nappies.
Yes it's a normal thing nans and other family members do, the mother is just being precious and making a mountain out of a molehill. I pity the baby now and when they grow older, this mother will be insufferable.
This lady sounds like she needs therapy. What an odd thing to complain/be concerned about.
I've spent most of my adult life working with children and families victimized by abuse and other trauma. I was part of a nationwide group that developed a successful child assault prevention program. We stress the importance of teaching kids body autonomy. I'm very passionate about this idea and believe it helps prevent assault. However, in this case, I think the mom is very much at fault. Changing a baby's diaper is not sexual. It is not invasive to the child. It does not deny them autonomy. As you child grows older, by all means allow him to say no to unwanted touch of any sort. Support his right to make choices. But, here...perhaps you might examine your reasons for being so upset at this innocent act. It might indicate an issue you need to address for your own well-being.
So, did you actually say to her 'I don't want anyone else to change his nappies'? I ask, because, as a mother and grandmother, had my daughters said that to me, I would have complied, but it would never ever occur to me that a relative of mine would say that, so yes, I changed their nappies when needed, just to give them a break. You are seeking consent, not the baby.
Land the helicopter mom!! You're going to drive your kid to insanity
This is a passive-aggressive act against the MIL disguised as a privacy-consent issue. Babies cannot understand either concept.
I thought this was going to be about teaching her child about consent, and the grandmother being made aware of that. No, the baby is much too young for that, so it's about.....OP's consent? To change a nappy? There is a difference between changing a nappy - normal, HELPFUL thing to do - and, for example, trying to hug an older toddler/child who does not want to be hugged. I thought this was going to be something similar to the latter.
I worked in a daycare a few years ago. I never asked the babies for consent to change their diapers because that would have been a stupid thing to do. This person clearly has some sort of issue from their past and they need to discuss it with a therapist. Babies cannot give consent and diaper rash would occur if everyone thought the way that this person does. This is a very strange way to think about diaper changes.
I think this is pretty normal for a new mom. The hormones and maternal instincts are raging, and with the added sleep loss you can easily become a little overprotective and unreasonable. And you want to do everything right but you have not yet had the time and peace of mind to think things through. I don't think she needs therapy, just give it a couple of months (until the baby is weaned and sleeps better) and it will all calm down.
From a very large family, what ever family member was closer changed the baby. And took toddler learning the ropes, to the toilet.We thought of ourselves as one FAMILY and interested in the comfort of our newest member
Imo, I don't sense this is a mental state issue with the mom. She's just wanting some autonomy over her parenting style, as so many parents do, and just want to set boundaries. Perhaps she needs to communicate better with her mother in law. (I was going on a tangent before and then I realized it was a bit unrelated. Related in a way, but for a much later age.)
Unless there are other serious family problems that we know nothing about, this woman appears to have a psychiatric disorder. Poor child. And poor grandparents and husband.
I was minding the 14 m/o of a friend at a get-together while said friend was playing volleyball. When the nappy needed changing, I walked the child inside, found the nappy bag, and changed her. No big deal. After the game, I let my friend know I'd changed the nappy.
OP needs therapy. I already feel sorry for this kid and he's only 4 months old.
She was either sexually abused and/or MIL oversteps lots of other boundaries and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
Sadly, OP appears to be an attention-seeking narcissist and I doubt very much whether other people's good intentions are a factor in her decision-making process.
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The only person you have a problem with when they voluntarily do a chore for you is your MIL? Either we’re not getting enough information or you’re having issues with trust. You’re feeling very protective of your baby and that’s a good thing. But you’re going to need a circle of people you can trust with your child. Is there a reason you don’t trust this lady? Does she try to override your wishes or plans? Does she need to get permission from you for her every interaction with her grandchild? What are you afraid of? Maybe you can tell her you’re going through a big mamma bear phase and until that’s over you need to take care of all your baby’s needs right now but you promise to let her know when you’ll feel more comfortable. It could be hormones. Talk to your doctor about it.
I doubt this was actually about privacy and consent. While I agree that the baby was in no danger with mother right there, I do wonder if this triggered something from mom's childhood. More likely is the fact that she's a new mom. She may feel inadequate and projecting onto MIL. Maybe MIL is expressing dissatisfaction over DIL's parenting. Instead of "getting close to drawing a line", she should talk to her MIL before it gets so far that there are going to be hurt feelings all the way around. Better to build a bridge than burn it particularly since this is going to be a long-term relationship. Sweetpotato's comment about "trusted family member", though... most sexual abuse is committed by family members or trusted friends.
Mother is being ridiculous. It's a baby, it's 4 months old. He aint gonna know what's going on, or ever even remember it. Nor can he even communicate in order to give consent. I'd rather someone change the kids diaper than the poor thing end up with diaper rash and infections etc.
Most of what's on Mumsnet is people making up s**t to troll. The legit posters have been driven away by the ten billion posts ranting about how "trans woman are predatory men and drag is womanface" and "Meghan Markle is an evil whore" and "BLM are terrorists thugs, George Floyd was a criminal and blackface is a lighthearted piece of traditional culture." Mumnet is straight up Neo Nazi these days.
This is an odd thing to have a new parent rule about…but, if its how the new parents want things to go, they should tell the MIL and the MIL should respect it. If I were the MIL, I'd respect it…but also wonder how I should handle it if I was watching the baby for longer than an hour? If she didn't know the rule, hopefully she does now and won't make that same kind-hearted mistake again. Hopefully also, the new parents will grow to see that THIS is a ridiculous rule, but there will be other very important ones that they do need to make clear in the years and decades to come…and this one is not the hill to die on. Hopefully they'll also let the MIL in on this exclusive nappy changing club so she can watch the baby for them in the future!
So I guess I should have allowed my son to eat things he found on the floor when he was a baby? He didn't consent to me prying things out of his mouth.
If the concern was she was too rough or mean or brusque or maybe disregarding some other clear need of the baby's that might have helped the diaper change go smoother that would make sense. But it doesnt sound like this is the case at all. I had a bit of a diapering routine with my baby, a little song I'd sing everytime, and by four months he knew it meant he was getting a fresh diaper and his discomfort was about to improve so he would clearly anticipate it. However I did not require others to learn this when they cared for him. I didn't have a lot of help, but I trusted my mother with my baby. I even trusted my step father whom I despise. He's an emotionally manipulative AH but he's good with babies and was fine with the gross stuff.
As someone who has control issues regarding my everyday tasks, i can relate. Bare with me, i am just sharing my point of view: saying it's about the kid's privacy -if it was up to me- could be mostly a projection. Rather than thinking immediately it is because of me, that I would like others to ask for my "permission" to change the diaper,it is mostly because :1. I do it daily, it is on me 2. My kid got rather used to the way I change it (how i turn it around, etc.) 3. I am also germaphobe, which in some days it's hard to handle and it extends to not just to objects,but to people as well( i am working on it,but it is a long journey) . Overall, this mother also might not realize why she's feeling this way, but it is her feeling and it is valid in this sense. Edit: by control issues I mean that due to some experiences in my past, I can easily have anxiety if my everyday tasks don't go the way I got used to it. I don't think I have any kind of form of autism, but then again, this is not causing me major issues in my or others' life around me on a high level.
I think the issue is not so much with grandma changing the baby as such, but doing so without asking the parent who is standing right there. Strange comparison, but I would not want an overnight guest to wash the dishes or changing the bedsheets without asking me first, it's just not their place to do so.
Aside from the whole consent thing, the grandmother did it right in front of OP. Why didn't she step in and stop her if she didn't want her to do it? Did the grandmother know in advance that OP felt this way?
I fear for when the baby grows up. She told, that he kept crying, so I suspect he felt his mothers anger and that is why he cried. Will she still be like that when he grows up?
My in-laws shaved my son bald. While his father watched. 1st cut, not my permission. I'd be glad if anyone would change those cloth diapers, nope. 6 kids worth of cloth diapers over 6 years and I did it alone. I Escaped
It blows my mind how many people don't understand this idea of consent with babies. Of course no parent is expecting the baby to give consent. It's about setting up expectations.
The mother in the op was probably sexually assaulted by someone and needs therapy.
so if a child says no you cannot change my nappy is he/she supposed to sit in their own filth all day?
You know what is more important to that baby? Community, family. You know what that baby is not going to have as it grows up? Community, family. They'll avoid you more and more and more (and your kid) because spending time with you and the kid is a minefield. Pick your battles carefully, and this isn't one. What happens if you and husband dies in 10 years and this kid knows virtually no one else? If you don't, how prepared for the world do you think this kid is going to be if you keep the reins this tight? Not at all. It's a baby, it doesn't get the concept of consent. Depending on the age can't even see your face unless it is in a certain range. Get over yourself. Have boundaries, but don't make your kid a minefield, they WILL suffer for it.
I've never changed a diaper on a kid yet. I had a girlfriend who was incontinent, and I changed hers when her arm was in a cast (that, I had nothing to do with...). Grandparents doing so, on a kid that's four months young, is just about the most normal thing. Maybe getting the parents' consent would be better, but I don't really see any wrong in this itself, only possible wrong about this that I can imagine to be true is, if there are issues with Grandma anyway, and then, she shouldn't touch the kid at all, by any means, anywhere, for whatever reason. Is there anything wrong with Grandma? If not - it's a favour. I haven't changed a diaper on a kid yet, but I don't think I have any reason to miss it.
1. If you don't trust someone around your child, don't leave your child with them. 2. This is covered by consent legislation - implied consent. The same way paramedics can treat an unconscious patient. Implied consent also covers actions to care for someone who is not mentally competent to legally give consent. Babies, cognitively impaired adults (developmentally, chemically, or if they are in an altered state of consciousness from injury or illness, etc) can't give or deny consent. 3. Thus person seems to confuse lack of consent with abuse. That's dangerous, it's two different topics. Touching without consent from someone capable of giving it is assault (with few exceptions) but even if a child or dementia patient, for example, agreed to touching, does not mean it isn't abuse.
This consent stuff is trash. Teaching kids they don't need to give gma a hug if they don't want to. This is what creates monsters that do not know how to navigate social situations properly
I do actually understand the privacy idea with this, when that baby grows up he will know that his parents changed his nappies, but how would he feel if he found out that everyone in the village and their dog has seen his w***y? He might be embarrassed.
"It takes a village to raise a child." Is the saying. That means most children in the world have had their nappies changed by many others and that many others have seen what's under them. If you train grandma not to change the nappies on this first one but get overwhelmed on say baby number 2 or 3 they're going to be out of luck because she's going to say, "I'm sorry, but you didn't want me changing nappies so you do it yourself. "
Load More Replies... Say it with me folks: Babies cannot consent! They can be comfortable or uncomfortable with things, but those little brains cannot make decisions for themselves. That's what caregivers are for. Start worrying about consent when your kid understands the difference between yes and no.
@Monday....Thank you for saying that. I couldn't have said it better myself. OP needs therapy to get past these issues.
Load More Replies... The babies don't care about consent. It's literally s******g itself without realizing it, what consent are you planning to get from it?
It's not about asking the baby for consent, it's about asking the parents for consent. The diaper's getting changed either way.
Load More Replies... there was an article by someone i read once that said you shouldnt change a babies nappy without consent how exactly does a baby give consent let alone understand the concept and even if they do understand and say no are you supposed to leave them in a poopy nappy until they give consent
Throwing in a thought, I think this is from Gwenna Lakeland. She doesn't ask her young children for consent to do something that is necessary for their health and safety. She can't, for example, not change a diaper or not bathe them. So asking for consent or permission or anything is counterproductive to the lesson she's trying to teach - if the kid doesn't consent but the situation has to happen anyway, it's teaching that adults won't pay attention if you don't agree. In those situations, she offers autonomy in other ways - offering to let the kid choose between two diaper change locations, or which parent bathes them.
Load More Replies... Everyone here is making really valid comments. The only thing not mentioned that I picked up on is zero mention of the baby's father and how he feels about his own Mother trying to help.
Don't poke that hornets nest. "He didn't carry the child for 9 months, so he has no say..."
Load More Replies... This is 100% about the MIL and her relationship with OP and nothing to do with the nappy/diaper. Or consent. "I'm starting to find her more overbearing" makes me think OP is having her parenting questioned by MIL who needs to step back and respect the parental privilege to raise their child as they see fit, but OP needs to be open and honest with herself that consent and privacy are not what she is protecting here.
I see both sides here, but at the end of the day the grandparent has seen it, done it had to wash the t- shirt experience and usually are just trying to help, give pointers to the new parent. The new parent may not like it with their first born, but I'm sure that when they become the grandparent, they'll be offering the same advice to that next generation.
Load More Replies... This isn’t about privacy and consent - this is about OP’s sense of boundaries with they MIL. OP said they are happy for a babysitter or nursery to change the nappy, but prickled at the MIL. This is a very normal phase most mothers I have known go through as everyone works out comfortable boundaries they feel with their parents and parents-in-law and their kids. And it can be manifested in all sorts of ways: MIL taking over pushing the pram, changing the baby, feeding the kids junk food, touching the baby while they’re breastfeeding, buying older kids expensive gadgets, paying for University if the child agrees to do a particular course - the list can go on for ever. This OP felt a boundary was overstepped by the MIL taking over a basic care need for their little baby without asking them first. There’s no right answer, here - boundaries are very subjective things. OP needs to simply say “Can you please check with me before nappy changing?” Or “Can you leave the nappies for me, please?”
I totally agree! I have the same issue when my parents "help me out" with various tasks that people tell me I should be grateful for. But I've asked them many many times not to do this and they still disregard that boundary. So much so that I'm keeping a lot of distance from them. Also, repeating a list of things I do NOT want them to do every time I see them - for those who have mentioned communication issues - is not practical. Whether it's "unreasonable" or "neurosis" or however people have described this depends entirely on the relationship between the mother and MIL. No need to add insult to injury.
Load More Replies... I think the grandmother was trying to be a grandmother. However, the baby can't give consent to anything. Therefore grandma should've asked mom if it was okay. But honestly I think they are both in the right. Grandma needs to ask, mom needs to chill a little. My grandma wanted my parents to pierce my ears when I was a baby. My dad said no because I can't give permission, he wanted me to choose when I was able to. And I love him for that, I got my ears pierced a week or so ago and I'm glad I got to choose.
People get mad cause relatives wont help with the baby and they get mad if they do? You have to ask permission to change the babys diaper? I doubt she does that every time she changes the diapers. Exhausting....
People are making a big thing about consent of the baby. It was consent of the mother at that particular time that the poster is talking about. Also the fact that she was right there "on-site" so to speak and grandmother took over. However, she should have said at the time and not in retrospect feel the need to b***h about it
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 OMG! I would have been THRILLED to have ANY other human being change my kiss’s diapers! This person needs therapy!
This is the kind of behavior that gives crazy conservatives the excuse to dismiss people who are just trying to be respectful as being 'woke extremists'. It's insane. Ridiculous.
??? Grandma changed the baby's nappy instead of handing the baby back to you and saying, he needs changing, and you're complaining????? Do you know how many new mothers would die for someone that helpful???!!! Fess up, OP, this isn't about your MIL changing the nappy without the baby's 'consent' (babies can't consent, lol) but it's about your feeling that your MIL is overbearing. You need to identify for yourself what you MIL is doing that you actually find overbearing (comes over without warning, takes baby away from you without your permission? insists on holding baby too long when you want to feed him or bathe him? interferes in your parenting by telling you you are doing it wrong or ignores your rules??), discuss it with your husband and when you two have decided what, if anything, needs changing, then the two of you discuss with MIL and ask her to change that particular aspect of her behavior. It's not about the nappies.
Yes it's a normal thing nans and other family members do, the mother is just being precious and making a mountain out of a molehill. I pity the baby now and when they grow older, this mother will be insufferable.
This lady sounds like she needs therapy. What an odd thing to complain/be concerned about.
I've spent most of my adult life working with children and families victimized by abuse and other trauma. I was part of a nationwide group that developed a successful child assault prevention program. We stress the importance of teaching kids body autonomy. I'm very passionate about this idea and believe it helps prevent assault. However, in this case, I think the mom is very much at fault. Changing a baby's diaper is not sexual. It is not invasive to the child. It does not deny them autonomy. As you child grows older, by all means allow him to say no to unwanted touch of any sort. Support his right to make choices. But, here...perhaps you might examine your reasons for being so upset at this innocent act. It might indicate an issue you need to address for your own well-being.
So, did you actually say to her 'I don't want anyone else to change his nappies'? I ask, because, as a mother and grandmother, had my daughters said that to me, I would have complied, but it would never ever occur to me that a relative of mine would say that, so yes, I changed their nappies when needed, just to give them a break. You are seeking consent, not the baby.
Land the helicopter mom!! You're going to drive your kid to insanity
This is a passive-aggressive act against the MIL disguised as a privacy-consent issue. Babies cannot understand either concept.
I thought this was going to be about teaching her child about consent, and the grandmother being made aware of that. No, the baby is much too young for that, so it's about.....OP's consent? To change a nappy? There is a difference between changing a nappy - normal, HELPFUL thing to do - and, for example, trying to hug an older toddler/child who does not want to be hugged. I thought this was going to be something similar to the latter.
I worked in a daycare a few years ago. I never asked the babies for consent to change their diapers because that would have been a stupid thing to do. This person clearly has some sort of issue from their past and they need to discuss it with a therapist. Babies cannot give consent and diaper rash would occur if everyone thought the way that this person does. This is a very strange way to think about diaper changes.
I think this is pretty normal for a new mom. The hormones and maternal instincts are raging, and with the added sleep loss you can easily become a little overprotective and unreasonable. And you want to do everything right but you have not yet had the time and peace of mind to think things through. I don't think she needs therapy, just give it a couple of months (until the baby is weaned and sleeps better) and it will all calm down.
From a very large family, what ever family member was closer changed the baby. And took toddler learning the ropes, to the toilet.We thought of ourselves as one FAMILY and interested in the comfort of our newest member
Imo, I don't sense this is a mental state issue with the mom. She's just wanting some autonomy over her parenting style, as so many parents do, and just want to set boundaries. Perhaps she needs to communicate better with her mother in law. (I was going on a tangent before and then I realized it was a bit unrelated. Related in a way, but for a much later age.)
Unless there are other serious family problems that we know nothing about, this woman appears to have a psychiatric disorder. Poor child. And poor grandparents and husband.
I was minding the 14 m/o of a friend at a get-together while said friend was playing volleyball. When the nappy needed changing, I walked the child inside, found the nappy bag, and changed her. No big deal. After the game, I let my friend know I'd changed the nappy.
OP needs therapy. I already feel sorry for this kid and he's only 4 months old.
She was either sexually abused and/or MIL oversteps lots of other boundaries and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
Sadly, OP appears to be an attention-seeking narcissist and I doubt very much whether other people's good intentions are a factor in her decision-making process.
Load More Replies... The only person you have a problem with when they voluntarily do a chore for you is your MIL? Either we’re not getting enough information or you’re having issues with trust. You’re feeling very protective of your baby and that’s a good thing. But you’re going to need a circle of people you can trust with your child. Is there a reason you don’t trust this lady? Does she try to override your wishes or plans? Does she need to get permission from you for her every interaction with her grandchild? What are you afraid of? Maybe you can tell her you’re going through a big mamma bear phase and until that’s over you need to take care of all your baby’s needs right now but you promise to let her know when you’ll feel more comfortable. It could be hormones. Talk to your doctor about it.
I doubt this was actually about privacy and consent. While I agree that the baby was in no danger with mother right there, I do wonder if this triggered something from mom's childhood. More likely is the fact that she's a new mom. She may feel inadequate and projecting onto MIL. Maybe MIL is expressing dissatisfaction over DIL's parenting. Instead of "getting close to drawing a line", she should talk to her MIL before it gets so far that there are going to be hurt feelings all the way around. Better to build a bridge than burn it particularly since this is going to be a long-term relationship. Sweetpotato's comment about "trusted family member", though... most sexual abuse is committed by family members or trusted friends.
Mother is being ridiculous. It's a baby, it's 4 months old. He aint gonna know what's going on, or ever even remember it. Nor can he even communicate in order to give consent. I'd rather someone change the kids diaper than the poor thing end up with diaper rash and infections etc.
Most of what's on Mumsnet is people making up s**t to troll. The legit posters have been driven away by the ten billion posts ranting about how "trans woman are predatory men and drag is womanface" and "Meghan Markle is an evil whore" and "BLM are terrorists thugs, George Floyd was a criminal and blackface is a lighthearted piece of traditional culture." Mumnet is straight up Neo Nazi these days.
This is an odd thing to have a new parent rule about…but, if its how the new parents want things to go, they should tell the MIL and the MIL should respect it. If I were the MIL, I'd respect it…but also wonder how I should handle it if I was watching the baby for longer than an hour? If she didn't know the rule, hopefully she does now and won't make that same kind-hearted mistake again. Hopefully also, the new parents will grow to see that THIS is a ridiculous rule, but there will be other very important ones that they do need to make clear in the years and decades to come…and this one is not the hill to die on. Hopefully they'll also let the MIL in on this exclusive nappy changing club so she can watch the baby for them in the future!
So I guess I should have allowed my son to eat things he found on the floor when he was a baby? He didn't consent to me prying things out of his mouth.
If the concern was she was too rough or mean or brusque or maybe disregarding some other clear need of the baby's that might have helped the diaper change go smoother that would make sense. But it doesnt sound like this is the case at all. I had a bit of a diapering routine with my baby, a little song I'd sing everytime, and by four months he knew it meant he was getting a fresh diaper and his discomfort was about to improve so he would clearly anticipate it. However I did not require others to learn this when they cared for him. I didn't have a lot of help, but I trusted my mother with my baby. I even trusted my step father whom I despise. He's an emotionally manipulative AH but he's good with babies and was fine with the gross stuff.
As someone who has control issues regarding my everyday tasks, i can relate. Bare with me, i am just sharing my point of view: saying it's about the kid's privacy -if it was up to me- could be mostly a projection. Rather than thinking immediately it is because of me, that I would like others to ask for my "permission" to change the diaper,it is mostly because :1. I do it daily, it is on me 2. My kid got rather used to the way I change it (how i turn it around, etc.) 3. I am also germaphobe, which in some days it's hard to handle and it extends to not just to objects,but to people as well( i am working on it,but it is a long journey) . Overall, this mother also might not realize why she's feeling this way, but it is her feeling and it is valid in this sense. Edit: by control issues I mean that due to some experiences in my past, I can easily have anxiety if my everyday tasks don't go the way I got used to it. I don't think I have any kind of form of autism, but then again, this is not causing me major issues in my or others' life around me on a high level.
I think the issue is not so much with grandma changing the baby as such, but doing so without asking the parent who is standing right there. Strange comparison, but I would not want an overnight guest to wash the dishes or changing the bedsheets without asking me first, it's just not their place to do so.
Aside from the whole consent thing, the grandmother did it right in front of OP. Why didn't she step in and stop her if she didn't want her to do it? Did the grandmother know in advance that OP felt this way?
I fear for when the baby grows up. She told, that he kept crying, so I suspect he felt his mothers anger and that is why he cried. Will she still be like that when he grows up?
My in-laws shaved my son bald. While his father watched. 1st cut, not my permission. I'd be glad if anyone would change those cloth diapers, nope. 6 kids worth of cloth diapers over 6 years and I did it alone. I Escaped
It blows my mind how many people don't understand this idea of consent with babies. Of course no parent is expecting the baby to give consent. It's about setting up expectations.
The mother in the op was probably sexually assaulted by someone and needs therapy.
so if a child says no you cannot change my nappy is he/she supposed to sit in their own filth all day?
You know what is more important to that baby? Community, family. You know what that baby is not going to have as it grows up? Community, family. They'll avoid you more and more and more (and your kid) because spending time with you and the kid is a minefield. Pick your battles carefully, and this isn't one. What happens if you and husband dies in 10 years and this kid knows virtually no one else? If you don't, how prepared for the world do you think this kid is going to be if you keep the reins this tight? Not at all. It's a baby, it doesn't get the concept of consent. Depending on the age can't even see your face unless it is in a certain range. Get over yourself. Have boundaries, but don't make your kid a minefield, they WILL suffer for it.
I've never changed a diaper on a kid yet. I had a girlfriend who was incontinent, and I changed hers when her arm was in a cast (that, I had nothing to do with...). Grandparents doing so, on a kid that's four months young, is just about the most normal thing. Maybe getting the parents' consent would be better, but I don't really see any wrong in this itself, only possible wrong about this that I can imagine to be true is, if there are issues with Grandma anyway, and then, she shouldn't touch the kid at all, by any means, anywhere, for whatever reason. Is there anything wrong with Grandma? If not - it's a favour. I haven't changed a diaper on a kid yet, but I don't think I have any reason to miss it.
1. If you don't trust someone around your child, don't leave your child with them. 2. This is covered by consent legislation - implied consent. The same way paramedics can treat an unconscious patient. Implied consent also covers actions to care for someone who is not mentally competent to legally give consent. Babies, cognitively impaired adults (developmentally, chemically, or if they are in an altered state of consciousness from injury or illness, etc) can't give or deny consent. 3. Thus person seems to confuse lack of consent with abuse. That's dangerous, it's two different topics. Touching without consent from someone capable of giving it is assault (with few exceptions) but even if a child or dementia patient, for example, agreed to touching, does not mean it isn't abuse.
This consent stuff is trash. Teaching kids they don't need to give gma a hug if they don't want to. This is what creates monsters that do not know how to navigate social situations properly
I do actually understand the privacy idea with this, when that baby grows up he will know that his parents changed his nappies, but how would he feel if he found out that everyone in the village and their dog has seen his w***y? He might be embarrassed.
"It takes a village to raise a child." Is the saying. That means most children in the world have had their nappies changed by many others and that many others have seen what's under them. If you train grandma not to change the nappies on this first one but get overwhelmed on say baby number 2 or 3 they're going to be out of luck because she's going to say, "I'm sorry, but you didn't want me changing nappies so you do it yourself. "
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