Just a dad joke, it dosn’t even have to be funny.
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Q: Where do bad rainbows go?
A: Prism. It's a light sentence though.
I'm reading a horror book in Braille... Something's about to happen... I can feel it!
I was walking past a farm and a sign said "Duck, eggs"... I thought that was an unnecessary comma and then it hit me...
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars... Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses... Clearly the stables have turned!
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar... but it's a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house... the difference is staggering!
Waiter: "How would Sir like his steak?"
Sir: "Like winning an argument with my wife"
Waiter: "Rare it is then"
The Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part anthology... parts A-D are for free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E!
Child: Dad. I am hungry
Dad: Hi hungry. I am dad
Child: dad I'm serious. dad: I thought you were hungry. child: WHAT THE F**K
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB...
It was a trip down Memory Lane.
This is my step ladder....
I never knew my real ladder
Q: why dont seagulls fly over bays?
A: cus then they’d be bay-gulls, geddit?
what do you call a deer with no eyes?
no idea.
what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
still no idea
what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
still no f*^king idea.
Poop jokes aren't my favourite kind of jokes... but they're a solid number 2!
Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts cost $1.25. Deer nuts are under a buck.
YES! Sorta naughty dad jokes that are also puns are the best!
Two men walked into a bar.
The third one ducked.
This one my dad told me a while ago
Did you hear of the math teacher who was scared of negative numbers
She stopped at nothing to avoid them
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
Whomever stop my copy of Microsoft Office I WILL FIND YOU... you have my word!
Dad: What’s the first letter in “yellow”?
Kid: Y.
Dad: Because I want to know.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like?’.
I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’
She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’
‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.'
My uncle got his tongue shot off during the war. He never talked about it
6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down🤣🤣 ( this is my dad’s favorite)
When is it time to go to the dentist? ................................2:30!
Two snowmen standing in a field. One says to the other "Can you smell carrots?"
My husband announced that he was divorcing me in a letter he left taped to the ceiling. Our marriage ended on a high note.
Woman in the bathroom hears knock on her front door, yells who is it? Voice from the door says, it's the police ma'am your husband has been run over by a steam roller. Woman says, can you slip him under the door, I'm in the shower.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?
Cause they're so dam good at it
How do you spot an elephant hiding in a tree? You look for his red tennis shoes. Why didn't you find the elephant in the tree? Because he's wearing his blue shoes today.
I have a few!! 1. What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint! 2. Some people think prison is just one word, however to a criminal it’s a whole sentence. 3. Shout out to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is.
What do you call an albino alcoholic Rhinoceros?
An albino wino rhino
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter 'W'.
Why didn't Cleopatra realize she was in danger until it was too late?
Because she was Queen of Da Nile
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!
(Then he’d always say, “get it? No-eye-deer!”, with such a happy look only seen immediately before, during or after a dad joke has occurred - we all know ‘the look’)
I sure hope the rain keeps up.
Huh, why?
So it won't come down!
Did you ever look up and see geese flying in a "V" formation?
Isn't that pretty?
Did you ever notice that one side of the "V" is usually longer than the other side?
Did you ever wonder why this is?
..because there's more gesse in that one line.
So, the potato chip company owner was thinking of new products and was having trouble coming up with something. After a long day at work, he sat down in his chair at home, took off his shoes and socks. He exclaims: Ahhh, Fritos!
The Dali Lhama (sp?) is in NYC and decides to get a hot dog from a vendor at a cart:
"Make me one with everything" and hands the vendor a $20 bill
The vendor assembles the dog and adds all the condiments, sauerkraut, onions, etc. and hands it over to the DL
DL says to the vendor,
"thanks, but where is my change, I handed you a $20
Vendor replies back, "all change must come from within !"
... I will see myself out!
-Actual Dad of 2
This is a series of jokes
How many elephants can fit in a Volkswagen Beetle?
Four-two in the front and two in the back!
How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter!
How can you tell if two elephants have been in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter!
How can you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge?
You can’t close the door!
How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?
Their Volkswagen Beetle is parked outside!
And then another set
How do you get an elephant into your fridge?
You open the door, put the elephant in, and then close the door!
How do you put a giraffe in your fridge?
You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and then close the door!
The lions want to have a meeting with all the animals. Who isn’t there?
The giraffe! The giraffe is still in the fridge!
I hope these made you laugh!
What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your hands in a Buffalo.
What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
Where's my tractor 🚜 🤣
Pete and Re-Pete were sitting on a fence. Pete hopped off, who was left?
Re-Pete.
Pete and Re-Pete were sitting on a fence. Pete hopped off, who was left?
Re-Pete!
Source: a YouTube video seen months ago
10 yo me: Dad, where are we going?
Dad: Why, are you writing a book?
Me: Y...yeah!
Dad: Leave that chapter out and call it a mystery
What do you get when you push a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
Never count on horses for encouragement. They're just a bunch of neigh-sayers.
Why do nurses love red crayons? Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas.
Dad: did I ever tell you my corn joke?
Me: no.
Dad: shucks.
And then he threw a sheep, a drum, and a snake off a cliff. Bath-dum-hissss.
A skeleton walks into a bar: He orders a beer and a mop.
Q: Why did the toilet paper stop rolling down the hill?
A: It got stuck in a crack.
hear about the man with 5 penises? his pants fit him like a glove...
I named my favorite cow Queen Victoria. She was not a-moo-sed.
A hunter entered a bar & started a conversation with the person sitting next to him. Chatting for a while and seemingly hitting it off, the hunter asked his new pal, ‘You wanna hang out together again sometime?’ As to which his new friend replied, ‘Sure, I’m game!’ So the hunter shot him.
Mom why don't we have chocolate milk because child your dad never came home with it
Jokes I made up:
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
I know tyjits!
I know tyjits who?
Ooo you threatening me?
What kind of jacket does a cop wear?
- A pullover
Why did the kid put his Dad in the freezer?
- He was trying to make a pop-sicle.
What is the oldest living organism?
Zebra.. cus it's black and white...
Why was the fish in the fishbowl happy?
They had indoorfins (Endorphins)
How does a disabled gingerbread man get around?
He uses a tuilechair.
Late for work, sitting on the toilet and super irritated.
Man, I don't have time for this sh*t!
My sister and I went to Paris a while ago. My sister saw a Ferris Wheel, and wanted to show me.
I told her it was called a Paris Wheel.
I was a clumsy child but I begged my dad
for some boxing gloves anyway.
He surprised me on my birthday, saying,
"Knock yourself out, kid"
What are they going to call Bob the Builder, when he retires?
Bob
Dung beetle walks into a bar, looks around and decides to leave. All the stools were taken.
Remember: you can only ran in a campground, because it’s past tents.
there's a line of people waiting to punch you in the face. . . . . . that's the punch line.
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Elephino...
My dad and I every time we pass a graveyard..
My dad: "You know people are doing to get in there..🤪😝"
Me: 😑🤦♀️
Not sure how to edit but I made a small typo..the word doing is supposed to say dying..sorry guys
What is invisible and smells like earthworms?
Bird farts!
The internet’s gone
Looks like we need to start putting up some missing posters
Q: what would the country be called if Canada and the United States combined?
A: the United States of Eh
Why did Adele cross the street? So she could call from the other side.
Best joke I have heard listening to comedy radio:
For father's day my kids got me a gift certificate good for 1 full body massage at a local parlor.
I have never had a good massage before so I thought what the heck and went down there the next day.
Expecting an oriental woman masseuse I was quite surprised when a man with a French accent entered the room. I figured as long as he knew what he was doing I guess it doesn't matter after all a massage is a massage.
So I'm lying on my back in my underwear and he is working his magic on my shoulders and it's feeling really nice. At that moment I get embarrassed and ask him "this is my first good massage so forgive me when I ask you, is it common to get an erection?" He replies "actually it happens quite often if not every time I give a nother man a massage" to that I reply "well to each his own but could you get it out of my face?"
"knock knock" "who's there" "you" "you who?" "yoohoo! big summer blowout!"
My favorite: What do you call a seagull flying over the bay? ... A bagel!
What did the cop say to his belly button ?
your under a vest!!!
My grandfather (Dad's Dad) had one, but it hasn't aged all that well. I still think it's kind of funny though.
Q: How can you tell the difference between boy and girl potatoes?
A: The boys only "have eyes" for the girls.
Answer: Siss, Boom, Bah!
Question: Describe the sound made when a sheep explodes.
(Thanks to Carnac the Magnificent)
If April showers bring May showers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!
I failed my driving test because I ran over a kid carrying some cymbals. *ba dum ching*
3 men covered in coal dust walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry. We don't serve miners here".
I failed my driving test because I ran over a kid carrying some cymbals. *ba dum ching*
3 men covered in coal dust walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry. We don't serve miners here".
