Learning is a lifelong process. Every day we absorb, sift, and catalog new information. Unfortunately, not everything we learn is healthy, correct, or optimal. When we're presented with new information that challenges prior knowledge, we have the opportunity to reevaluate our understanding.
Unlearning can take time. Sometimes it's as easy as breaking a benign habit. Other times we may need moral support. And, generally speaking, we can benefit from professional help of some kind.
Fortunately, unlearning is a rollercoaster we all get to experience. No one is immune. So, whether it's driving at 2 and 10, microaggressions, or changing the cycle of abuse, we want to hear about your unlearning process.
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All of the horrible things my father used to say to me all the time when I was a child until I was around 22 years old. He told me that I was worthless, a waste of time, stupid, ugly, wouldn't amount to anything or anyone. He told me that I was a mistake and a bad daughter. He said that no one would ever love me. For the longest time, I believed him. I am still working on unlearning all of the abuse he and my mother did but it's tough. When you are told something constantly by the very people who are supposed to protect you, it's really hard to change that way of thinking. I just take it a day at a time.
No need to be available or "on call" 24/7. Don't have to rush shopping to get home, can go outside and stay there. Don't have to answer the phone when I'm away from the house. The guilty feeling when I'm at a neighbour's house having a cuppa. I need to get used to that and unlearn the availability.
self loathing... still working on it
I came here to say the same thing. It's nice to know I'm not alone. 💖
That waking up later than 8 is ok, and doesn't make you less of an adult. I'm a musician and music teacher, I'm home and eating dinner around 9:30-10, sometimes 11. Why in the world would i wake up at 6 the next day
WHOLY SHYTE YOU MUST HAVE HELL SOMETIMES ! THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO, KIND TACOCAT ! LOVE, A STUDENT WHO LOVES MUSIC. NOT YOUR STUDENT THO. Edit: Wow, I was cringe when I was younger lmao. This 100% reflects my opinions on music, music teachers, and their students tho. Thank you so much.
I'm trying to learn to not think about myself in a negative way. It's a work in progress.
Procrastinating.
I'm doing it even by writing this post. 😬
I’m doing it by reading on BP rn. I have to get up for school in a min though.
Apologizing for things that I am neither responsible or sorry for. That automatic "I'm sorry...." I know y'all know what I'm talking about LOL
That when someone does something that upsets me or hurts me, i don't have to just say "it's fine", or "no worries" with a smile and pretend it's not a big deal. My parents (dad especially) would get mad at me for being "defensive" if anything they said or did made me upset and I said something or wasn't happy about it. It's taking a while to unlearn that one....
Using my wheelchair is not “givingup”
Unhealthy eating habits.
My mom started her "You shouldn't eat that much", "People will always judge you by your weight/image", "You're gaining weight, do something for your body" thing when I was about 8-10yo. When I was 14 I weighted 99 pounds at 5'4" and exercised 6 days a week, my bones showed through my skin, and still she was there telling me "if you keep gaining weight, you'll never get a job when you need one". I learnt my weight defines my worth at a very young age.
Ironically, when I started college at 18 yo, she banned me from sports cuz according to her, I had to study at least 8 hours a day. I never studied those hours but didn't dare to start a sport, despite being in another city, so I put up a lot of weight. Needless to say I've cried countless times about it and, since I haven't been able to drop it despite intense dieting and intense excercise, I still to this day do. I'm unlearning hatred towards myself and my body now. It's a tough ride.
That was my dad. I understand. My sis had even worse body image than I do, which is saying a lot. Being a healthy weight was, to my dad, "fat". It was all about his issues, his control over us, his way of punishing the world. HUGS ---- to every milligram of you, all of which is worth loving!
Asking. Ever since I can remember, my family taught me to not going everybody on the nerves.
So today I'm an adult who thinks asking for the printer at work is to much. Everybody around me is very busy, so I'm not allowed to ask anything... It could be annoying.
I don’t believe in sin. Trying to unlearn 40+ years of biblical Christianity.
Anxiety generated by work. No, I'm not irreplaceable so I can stay home when I'm sick. No, I won't be executed if I make a mistake. No, my bosses have no right of life and death over me. No, if I don't answer a call or email after hours, I won't automatically find myself unemployed the next day, etc...
Holding my fingers automatically over WASD keys even on games that don't use them.
If someone in the classroom is blocking the path, rather than asking them to move for a sec I will walk all the way around the room instead. I hate that I do this but I just can’t not.
Accepting help is a good thing.
My mom was the oldest child, so I grew up with the "take care of everyone else" mentality. And I very often spend my day helping everyone else. Yet when a very good mutual friend reassured me that relying on my fiance for help is a good, natural thing, I cried and had a panic attack.
You gotta remind yourself that, as your own friend, people can be there for you.
People pleasing. For the love of god I just cannot seem to stop.
To try and not be loud, still working on it
I have the opposite. I'm trying to build up my tolerance of noise. I think I have hyperacusis. Even people speaking in normal volume hurts sometimes.
My habit of being unable to maintain a system in order
Find someone who needs help with it as well, and work together on it. Just my thoughts.
How to act with kids.
I’m older with several little siblings. There’s always been one below 2 1/2 since I was ten. Watching my parents take care of them (and when I was younger, myself), I naturally picked up their habits that I’m now trying to unlearn. Their parenting methods included
Always forcing them to share- would you do that to an adult? Yes, generosity is a good habit, but by forcing them to share every little thing you’re discouraging the ability to say no when they really need to.
Adults are ALWAYS right- Imagine someone with bad intentions approaches your kid. What are they gonna do? Avoid them, right? Scream? Run? Not when you tell them grown-ups know best. Kids trust. They need to know what’s dangerous.
Forcing hugs/kisses- goes along with the above, and it’s an intrusion of their personal space. Children are people and should be treated as such.
Any feedback during a punishment/crabby situation is immediately “backtalk”. 🙄
The list goes on. Kids need to walk TO somebody if they need them and give the reason why. Adults shout at a kid from across the house, and they’re expected to come running. Like a dog. Monitor every little thing they do. Not letting them do anything without a parent knowing every little detail. The whole household revolved around an atmosphere of worshipping the parents. It makes me so angry and it scares me when I see myself thoughtlessly do some of the same things. I’m not saying there’s a right way to parent; however, there is most definitely a wrong way.
That family always comes first. If your family is dysfunctional or toxic (or both), you don't have to hang around those creeps and let them stack s### on you. You're better off with friends who respect you and treat you like a human being. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
That I don't need to be afraid of my husband if we ever have an argument. I dated several men before him that were emotionally and verbally abusive and it wrecked me.
You married him. Just tell him! It will likely help, as you trust him to the point you married him.
That not everyone has an ulterior motive or wants to betray/humiliate/hurt me in some way
1. I've been singing the lyrics to Free Bird wrong for 40 years. Can't stop.
2. I type on my keyboard with 2 fingers, I can't unlearn that.
not to feel like im guilty or lying about something when someone askes me about something, whenever something went wrong in anyway i would get treated like it was my fault somehow even if i wasnt there when it happened, an exaple we ran out of butter and my dad (not that he deserved that title) rang me in the middle of a date yelling at me for making my siblings go without it in the mash potato that he was making and saying that he hoped that i choked on my food, the thing is i made sandwiches for my lunch when i went to collage, my bf made them too and we would swap one of the "halves" to try each others, but because my partner didnt like butter much i stopped using it, so i had no idea that we were out of butter but it was my fault because "you shouldve f*ing checked!"
How to hold a pen/pencil. Been holding it wrong my entire life without realizing. Then was corrected and still havent figured out how to hold it right.
If your writing is readable, don't worry about how you hold a pen. If not, look up italic writing, a type of calligraphy, and think of drawing the letters.
That your insecurities are not the things that make up who you are.
So far, it's job searching with today's methods. Everything is so different compared to even 10 years ago. I've been at my job for so long I needed help with everything. My whole resume had a complete overhaul and reno. Everything I knew about interviews I had to relearn and needed some coaching on breaking some old habits I had learned from High School. I still don't have everything down pat and currently in doubt my resume is any good.
Job hunting is not like what it used to be. I've gotten one interview I bombed. Nothing else. I've seen 1 other employer glance at my resume and that's it. I have no idea if the resource centre helped or made things worse. It feels like I may never get another job and I'll be stuck here.
Tell me about it! I can barely navigate around job finding sites. I always end up getting lost, and instead of applying for a medical office support position, I end up at Amazon, applying for a warehouse worker job.
This makes me think about drug sniffing dogs. Going from one day finding marijuana gets you a good boy and a treat to post legalization not so much. How do they unlearn this?
I want to unlearn my fear/hatred/distrust of the human race.
Being defensive all the time. It was a defense mechanism learned during long term psychological and emotional abuse and neglect in childhood. I've done well eliminating or mitigating most of the effects, but decades later this one is just as tenacious as ever.
Workaholism. I really loved my job despite my autoimmune illness. I was killing myself for it but my doctor said he was tired of putting me back together and needed to retire or die. I had to retire young because I couldn’t walk without a walker and could no longer drive. My addict brain wanted to keep working. I felt like my only value was what I did, not who I was. I went through drug and alcohol addiction before I stopped. I learned that I have value outside of my job. 15 years later and on “bad” days I occasionally struggle with my value but still working on it. Glad to be addiction-free.
Not everyone is out to get me. I have a paranoia problem and some ex-friends who WERE out to get me. and its been pretty hard to trust people since that, i have to keep telling myself that not everyone is trying to get dirt on me so they can talk s**t behind my back, but its awfully hard to believe.
Trying to unlearn my habit of getting angry at my white friends for buying instant rice.
Laziness
Social gender norms. I was raised fundamental babysit and even though I now identify as non-binary it's hard not to think of things as male vs female.
Blaming s**t my old friends put me through on myself - saying they wouldn't treat me so badly if I could make myself a better or different person, or that they would be happier if I didn't exist at all.
For anyone going through this, you are worth SO much more than that. Find people who can see how amazing you are. I know it's super hard, I'm still working through it, but I promise you deserve so much more of the beauty that life has to offer.
That being disorganised is somehow a 'lovable' trait. It's not, it just shows a lack of engagement and a 'can't be arsed' attitude really. I am definitely losing this one more than winning it but still trying
Not necessarily. You may not have had good examples. Every brain is different. Any system has to be easy for you and make sense to you. Focus on one small issue at a time. A habit can be formed in 6 weeks, but not always.
I had some bad friends, you know, you are annoying, stop asking questions, I moved schools, but I still are like, "I don't wanna bother them, or them notice me!" So I have like 2 good friends. Just can't ask people stuff.
My bad golf swing. Nearly impossible.
That my opinion doesn't matter as much. I was taught that I should speak last as I was often the only child present at adult functions. I was tolerated because I behaved well. But out of respect i would change or withhold my opinion. 35 yrs later still trying.
Letting go of my insecurities, over trusting people, expecting people to give back the same amount/way that I give, overthinking, self-destruction especially diminishing myself, bottling up my emotions, depending on people.
I can't stop singing all the lyrics to all of the songs I like. It drives my daughter's boyfriend Austin the Terrible (please see my other posts for more on ATT) up the wall, and people look at me funny when I sing out loud in the grocery store. It's a defense mechanism, probably developed to cope with my unhappiness, and partly to shield myself from all the negative energy I absorbed as a child of a narcissistic mother.
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Michele, don't stop singing for anyone! If it helps you then sing your heart out! As for ATT, screw him (not literally). Tell him that he is lame for not singing with you. I am tone deaf but I will sing out loud when I hear a song that I like or if one gets stuck in my head.
biting my fingernails. No matter how hard I try I CANNOT stop it!
Hm. Tough to remember. probably that caffeine is gonna f**k me up. The funny thing is, I learned that the hard way through an OD. But I'm fine. I still drink energy drinks to this day.
Nothing quite like anyone else's submissions, but a while back I learned about a-I'm not going to tell you, but it was really sad, and horrific, and ruined a small part of my childhood. Since then, I have tried to unlearn it, and I got close to forgetting it (or at least a part of it), and then I read it on BP again. If you want to know I'll write it in the comments.
