As children, we grow up in a rather small circle. The older we get, the more people from different parts of the world we meet. That is when our instilled values can be challenged. Most of the time, we don't change a thing, but sometimes we get faced with contradictions that shake up our view forever.
When the sudden moment of realization hits, you can never see the way you did before. So, dear fellow Pandas, I ask you, what was that moment for you?
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When I was about 9 I went to spend Christmas with my grandmother in Zambia. She had an orphanage and every year would put on a Nativity play and hold a Christmas party for all the children in the village. This particular year she had it on my birthday (21st Dec).
I'd made friends with a girl about my age and even though we didn't speak each other's language we were instant friends, as only children can be. During the day my new friend gave me part of an eraser - needless to say, I was confused.
I asked my grandmother why she would give me part of my eraser and her response was 'that little girl has nothing, but she still wanted to give you something for your birthday'.
To this day I remind myself that often people are giving all they can, even if it doesn't seem like much to us.
That’s very similar to a story from the Bible, where a widow came to the temple and donated two small coins to the offering. The priests and rich people were saying that she wasn’t putting in enough, but Jesus told them that even though they were putting in 10% of their income as required, she was putting in all she had. Those two coins were worth more to God than all the donations of the rich people, because it showed that she actually cared about the temple, instead of just doing what was asked.
I think that's such a beautiful story! And it also relates to our time, too. Some people might feel like they're not doing enough to help others. But don't compare yourself to other people, just do your best. You might not have the means to make a huge difference in the entire world, and that's fine! You might make a difference to just one person and that in itself is very powerful.
Load More Replies...And it’s always those who have very little or nothing who are the most generous people in the world. NOT those with way more than enough. No. There are multi-billionaires who could vastly improve the lives of people in entire countries, even entire regions of the planet, and never even miss the money. But no, instead of doing good with their good fortune, they prefer to waste vast amounts of cash on the ultimate in expensive toys—-playing spaceman in their d**k rockets.
and I bet you still have that gift since is more valueable than all the others
My parents' church sponsored a summer trip to Georgia (state) to help build HUD houses. When the volunteers returned, they told stories about the people and their experiences. One volunteer told us about the little boy having a birthday. His mother told him to invite seven of his friends, and she would take them to McDonald's and buy them A burger. The kid was thrilled to get one-eighth of a McDonald's hamburger for his birthday.
Children are so amazing - they see right through adult constructs without a blink about color of skiin, ethnic backgrounds, etc. Because it just doesn't matter where we come from, how we look, we're all the same. We're really all the same. And children get this. Why don't adults?
That is so sweet! Despite her poorness, she gave the little girl something!
A black person I worked with was called the N-word by an angry customer. She turned to me and said, “there is nothing I can call you that will ever make you understand how much that hurts”. That completely changed my thinking.
Fu*king racists. I'm famous for using wrong words (ahum) but never intentionally. I'm trying to think of a word that would hurt me like the N-word and I can't think of one. I've never thought about this. I'm glad you posted this Martha.
Sticks and stones could break my bones but words SHOULD never hurt me, sometimes they do don't they?
Load More Replies...I hate as a black person when other black,people use it as well. Or ancestors fought to hard not to be called it and then we just throw it around like confetti, how can we expect others to know the pain that word causes when we use it ourselves.
Like in rap? When they use that word and call women b!tches. Grrrr
Load More Replies...we have a similar word with the same connotation in South Africa and it drives me to rage when I hear it, or a mix of rage and the urge to projectile-vomit on the white guy who uses it. Totally unacceptable. It's vile. It implies that the person being addressed isn't human, or is sub-human. To use that word is to be a nazi, nothing less.
The K-word isn't even popular within the black community. It's not used like the n-word where some people reclaim it. It's legit hated by black people to the point of not even calling each other by it, colloquially or otherwise.
Load More Replies...It's a word that says someone is seen as subhuman. As inescapably lesser. As deserving of all the injustices and cruelties that black people have been subjected to, now, and throughout history. I can never understand how it feels to be called that. I can tell you that hearing a white person use that word forever changes the way I regard them, because their beliefs and ideals are unspeakably vile.
i get called a f@g sometimes, but i dont think i will ever really understand the effect that the n word has on people of color. especially since the n word has so much more history
I grew up in the 70's and it was used all the time as an insult for many reasons and even then I knew it was a horrible word. I'm so eternally grateful that my parents were extremely socially conscious and raised us to be that way in a time where it wasn't the norm.
Load More Replies...I wish retail workers were given instances where reacting normally was allowed when placed in extreme situations. Racist customers were the worst breed and being able to scream at them or chew them out for their unacceptable behavior should be allowed without consequences.
Yep. Refusing to serve someone who's actively insulting and threatening should be a right. It is in some parts of the globe. Also looks like we have downvoters here. You were at -2, I was at -1.
Load More Replies...I'm white & the other day my black friend called me "bird s**t." Original & hilarious imo.
That's funny! Go on TikTok, I have seen the most hilarious names for racist white people there, they are so funny that even white people laugh at them. The ones that come to mind are flour rangers and alabaster disasters. edit: I meant to say racist white people.
Load More Replies...C***k is one for Asians...I found it unbelievably insulting and upsetting. Still upsets me when I hear it. Racist pigs
Interesting comment from someone with the screenname IDGAF about your feelings. Maybe if you wanted more empathy toward how you feel, you should have more empathy about how others feel. It's a two way street, you get what you give.
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I used to cashier and was often way more honest than I should have been for working in customer service. Someone asked me how my day was going and I said “I’m considering abandoning ship.” It was during the worst time in my life and I was thinking of packing my bags and moving back across the country to where I grew up.
The customer responded: Don’t abandon the ship. Sail a different sea.
Completely changed how I look at situations and life as a whole.
I wish I could thank him.
I’m now a first-year high school English teacher which has been my dream since I was 11. I’m 33.
I've always wanted to be a high school English teacher, too, so it's easy to connect with that. This is so inspiring, thank you so much for sharing!!!
Wait, really?! Same :) everyone else thinks it's weird
Load More Replies...And this 👆, people, is why you should always be kind. You never know how far a minuscule act of kindness can bring someone else.
I have an assumption that some people (in the context of a brief interaction with a cashier at a grocery store) would think you meant something more serious (not that moving across the country is not serious) by saying "I'm thinking of abandoning ship". Meaning they might have thought you were thinking of ending your life. I'm glad you weren't and didn't and that the customers words helped you! Happy teaching!
I like the sentiment. I really like the sentiment. Congratulations on achieving your goal.
Good on you for following your dreams! Sometimes the best life advice comes from random strangers :)
I applaud you for being the smartest person on the planet. What a feeling it must be!
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Once when I was about 10, a fox wandered into our backyard in broad daylight and we noticed it moving around in a peculiar way on a dirt patch in the corner of the yard which we always used to bury our pets (we had many pets over the years). As we slowly got closer to it, we realized the fox was twitching severely, as if having a seizure that wouldn't stop. It didn't react to our presence even as we got closer. We called animal control to take care of it, and they arrived and explained that it had some kind of brain infection that slowly takes over its functions until it becomes completely incapacitated but still functioning as we see it today. They quickly helped it to the final door and it was buried in that very spot.
The fact that it was neurological forced me to consider the state of mind it had been in that day - How long were its motor skills and basic functions slipping away? Did it know what was happening when it walked through broad daylight? Did it know it would pass away soon? Was it fully aware that we were standing over it? How much did it suffer?... How much did it suffer *mentally*?
Until then I had loved animals but still considered them like autonomous bots. This was the first time that I was brought to terms with them as cognizant equals and understood that they have internal mental capabilities and struggles just the same as humans. It brought me to recognize a whole new genre of suffering, and I became significantly more caring because of it.
Troux, that's a good story. I also think about this. People say that animals have no emotions but only instinct. No way !!! When we are away for a whole day the cat(s) sit by the window and wait till we are home and then won't leave us out of their sight for the rest of the day and the following. Aaaw.
People who think animals have no emotions obviously never had a pet. Or they have no empathy whatsoever.
Load More Replies...Animals do have complex emotions just like us. It takes time to speak ‘bird’, or ‘horse’ or ‘dog’ or ‘cat.’ It is about learning what their body language means, what their vocalizations mean. Above all else, the expression in their eyes. In moments of stillness it is such a pure and serene place to be. I am more in tune with those animals around me because I have learned this. Even our fish do a happy dance when we come in the room where there tank is, I used to be able to stroke the tops of our Goldfish, Ciclids and Blue Gourami’s heads. Fish have long memories, can count, some species use TOOLs. I routinely give sugar water to bees, pick them up and never get stung. Body language, your mood conveys your energy and intent It is about showing respect, reverence and listening to what they have to say. They are a part of our world as much as we are a part of theirs and they do speak to us. The natural world is where we came from and there is so much to learn from it and them.
No, a parasite. This parasite infects moose and deer, and feeds on brain matter. The animal literally becomes a zombie just walking around in circles and other odd behavior.
Load More Replies...I just had to put down my 15 1/2 year old dachshund last week. But I hired a vet to come to my house. He was in his favorite bed and I had my other dog right there all snuggled together so she could understand. One of my adult sons was able to get here also. They put some much love and trust into us, they deserve a good life too.
Yeah, I was a toddler when I started to realize that. Long story short, my mom read me Black Beauty.
My problem is that for me animals are the same as we are, they feel the same pain, sadness, fear, love, happiness. I always see them as equal to humans, and honestly - even better. It brings me lot of sadness and suffer as well. The understanding of animals, and my power of compassion for them.
In terms of emotions, I also think animals are better than humans. Their emotions and reations are pure.
Load More Replies...My cat had a simple dental cleaning but she is terrified of the vet. I always believe it's because she was declawed (by previous owners) and it's forever given her a PTSD of any clinic or vet that want to touch her. It breaks my heart to think of what she mentally goes through but she needs her health check ups and vaccines.
When I started a new job as a counselor for inmates in one of our city's detention centers. I always thought people in jail failed society, but I realized I had it backward - society has failed these people.
I have since dedicated my practice to doing what our prisons fail to do - rehabilitating people, starting with basic skills, and mental health issues.
THIS IS BEYOND TRUE. I am also a mental health counselor working with the inmates. The male inmates are more respectful to me as a female then some guys on the outside. Most of them are genuinely appreciative that someone is empathetic and supportive as most of them have never experienced that before. A large majority have also experienced childhood trauma.
I'm glad you have had a great experience in the faculties you work in. Been a CO for a while now and the hour you spend with them compares nothing to the other 23. Mental illness is an issue, but let me tell you now that when I see the 65% return rate and asking what they did. It's either the same or worse crime. They get help and revert because it is all they know and it's comfortable. If someone has been in jail for more than 5 years and get out. You will see them again within 2 years. Sometimes an a*****e is an a*****e and sometimes an a*****e got in a bad situation. They did something to be there, I wouldn't feel sorry for 99%. Maybe I'm jaded from seeing even the good ones I like come back with attempted murder or something else, but that's the truth without the sugar.
Load More Replies...This a hard one for me. As someone working in a prison in the US, yes. sometimes, society failed these people, but also, a majority of these people are grown a*s men who took advantage of young children. THAT is not a fail on society, that is a fail on them.
Right, because the cycle of abuse isn't a thing.
Load More Replies...So ... society failed the guy who bought an AR and started shooting at kids? Society failed the mom who let strangers abuse her child? Society failed the guy who mixed some poison into baby formula? What about the drunk driver who took out a whole family? I'm sure you have cases where your help is needed. But I wouldn't go as far as to say that society failed everyone who's in jail.
Some societies fail harder than others. The USA has more people in jail per capita than any other nation - I'd suggest that maybe isn't a great sign that society is peachy. As for sole of your examples - society upheld the guy's right to buy an AR and preached to him about how sexy and cool guns are. Society certainly failed the mum who didn't have the tools to spot or deal with abuse. Society probably hasn't been great to the alcoholic in the car, because lots of addicts have had rough rides. Society envelops and encircles your whole life. It take a village, remember.
Load More Replies...I used to watch LivePD. One of the most memorable moments was a man who was arrested for violating his parole by being high and out past curfew. He was crying the whole time saying he stayed clean for so long, but then they had to send him back to the neighborhood and family that were the original cause. He begged them not to take him back to his family or friends. He said he wanted to stop. There are plenty of people that want to change and better themselves, but get thrown back into the mix of what caused the problems to begin with. The correctional system and the mental health system are seriously messed up. We need to fix them.
I work in a state juvenile correctional facility. That means prison for kids. The “inmates” that we call Youth really frequently come from hard environments filled with trauma. Yes, they made choices to get themselves here. And their experiences really explain a lot of how they developed such distorted thinking and engage in such awful behavior. I can tell you that we are constantly trying to improve the treatment, education, and support these kids get because what we do is not enough for all the kids. AND when it comes down to it, these kids will have to live with the consequences of their choices. I have a lot of empathy for them because I can see them as a whole person where most people just see their crimes. Keep in mind that no one is 100% good or bad and don’t completely write someone off because they’ve been to prison. Many people do turn their lives around.
If there are any people still under the misconception that prison in the US is about rehabilitation just know that every instance you see in the movies of someone getting parole from the feds is fiction. Parole was abolished in 1987
I’m sorry, what?? Is this true of the federal system? Because it is NOT true in the state corrections systems. Parole absolutely exists still. I work in a state correctional facility and have first hand experience with this.
Load More Replies...This is so true. No one is born the villian. Thanks for sharing!
The American penal system is a for profit corporation. That tells you a lot.
When my son was about 5 I was doing some housework. He came to me and wanted me to play with him. I told him I was sorry, but I was busy. He said, "But you're always busy."
I put the housework aside and went and played with him. The housework could wait.
I recognize that I should have done this often past the point. Then I tell myself to make sure spending time with the kids is priority
Never say "No" to playing with your child. He won't want to play with you forever.
That's a stupid rule. They won't have food or clothes to wear if you NEVER say no. I make room for the twins while I'm doing stuff. They stand on a chair watching me cook and talk with me, they can "clean" the counter top when I wash dishes (they're not even 2, they swipe around with a wet cloth and have fun), they hand me the dishes from the dishwasher, they can stuff the heap of laundry into the washing machine... We're with each other, we're having fun together, I'm sometimes done quicker when they help, they might even learn the worth of the work, and these things just have to be done. If I stopped every time the children want me to play with them, I would work myself to death in the evenings when they're asleep and still wouldn't get everything done. I make time to play with them once the time pressing things are off the table, and I make that time count. And I DO pause in what I'm doing when they need a hug, and pick one of them up while I'm working where possible.
Load More Replies...I have been playing with my little nephew, putting together a jigsaw puzzle. My mom said that thinking of it, she never played with us much, did she? All I could say was "No, you didn't."
Making a point to spend time with the kids (such as playing & reading & doing art projects indoors/burning off energy outdoors/going on fun outings), is definitely an important priority and part of emotional, physical and mental development. That being said - it's ok for kids to see that sometimes you truly do need to perform essential tasks to take care of the household, other family members, and *gasp* even yourself - no guilt necessary. This can actually be part of their development - learning a healthy balance in an age-appropriate way (a five year old can understand this better than a toddler, for example). They can also learn about time management ("if we get your room picked up this morning, then we'll have time to visit the library this afternoon," etc). I just really wanted to put this out there in case it helps anybody with parent guilt.
THANK YOU! I don't get all these "I drop everything as soon as I'm asked to, nothing is more important than playing with your children"-comments: So I should stop to make breakfast and go play with them until they're crying because they're hungry and their rhythm is off? So I shouldn't throw in the laundry, so it won't be done before Monday, even though they need clean bedding for daycare? The most important thing is to make your children feel loved and seen and interacted with, and I just include them in whatever we're doing and stick to my promises about what I'm doing before we can play: "I'll just take a shower and dress, then I can read to you", "we'll throw in a load of laundry together and then we can play, will you help me so we're done quickly?". I'll always stop in my tracks for a hug if they ask for it, and I'm talking and joking with them while I work. People can be so unreasonable in their advice to others. Thank you!
Load More Replies...Yep!! My grandson lives with me, he's 4 years old and calls me PopPop. He's the only child living with me. There have been many times I've been busy around the house and he'll say " PopPop will you play with me"? No matter what I'm doing I'll stop and play with him. I know this won't last forever, he's only going to be this young once. I just want to remember that PopPop was always there for him no matter what.
I feel like 5 is old enough to be included in the work process to learn the worth of what you do all day. I don't get all these "I drop everything as soon as I'm asked to, nothing is more important than playing with your children"-comments: So I should stop to make breakfast and go play with them until they're crying because they're hungry and their rhythm is off? So I shouldn't throw in the laundry, so it won't be done before Monday, even though they need clean bedding for daycare? The most important thing is to make your children feel loved and seen and interacted with, and I just include them in whatever we're doing and stick to my promises about what I'm doing before we can play: "I'll just take a shower and dress, then I can read to you", "we'll throw in a load of laundry together and then we can play, will you help me so we're done quickly?". I'll always stop in my tracks for a hug if they ask for it, though, and I'm talking and joking with them while I work. It works.
I had never been aware of the level of racism that is out there (living in the Southern US.) Had finished getting a man ready for surgery and he asked who was "putting him to sleep." I told him his name and then he started to repeatedly ask me "What is he?" I'd answer doctor, anesthesiologist, again that he's a doctor until he got to the part he was really getting at. "Is he an N-word or what? Because you never know what he's going to do to me while I'm asleep."
I felt like I was going to explode inside. "NO HE'S NOT, he's an African American and an excellent physician. While you are asleep he's going to take exceptionally good care of you." Then, I could not resist this. Go ahead mister, try and report me. I dare you. I turned to him as I was going through the curtain and said, " I guess the pre-op interview nurse forgot to tell you our sheets are cream-colored. Next time remember to bring your own white sheet." The look on his face was so worth it. Another time I had been in a room while the MD was also there.
When he left the man said, "He sure is a good doctor for a black man." Exploding inside. "The fact that he is African American is completely irrelevant. He's one of the best cardiologists in the country and you are more than fortunate to have him." Again, the look was so worth it."
Another encounter with a racist patient was so infuriating to all of us... well, just don't p**s off the nurses about something like that.
People that have to deal with racism are usually more kind... When Covid started, I got brought to the ER 2 days in the row bc my bloodsugar went so low during the night, I wasn't waking up but I was screaming like a banshee, according to my family. The first day, the responding doctor was white and didn't believe I'm diabetic and I just wanted attention (I'm 32 btw, not a child) and they also left me freezing in the garage they turned into the covid section at the hospital and made me walk to the entrance of the hospital to wait to be picked up bc they wouldn't let me wait inside there. The second day, the doctor was a young, black man, seemed to be early in his career as a doctor, who came to check on me multiple times, and when he was sure I was feeling well enough, he personally brought me bread and jelly to make a sandwich, before he called my mother to come pick me up...
Never p**s off a nurse, full stop. If you are in a place with nurses, it is probably because you need them for one reason or another, and pissing them off can make your life a lot more problematic then.
I work in the “service response center” of a hospital. Been there 6 months now. We take calls for housekeeping and transport but mainly its “room service” calls. For the patients who can’t order their meals for themselves, their nurses will call for them. I am not exaggerating when I say there are as many horrible nurses as there are fabulous ones. Nurses who don’t actually ask the patients what they want and will tell me “just send them whatever”. Nurses who will say “anything we can do to get this f*****g a*****e the f**k out of here”. Nurses who are so completely disrespectful towards me because my screen isn’t loading fast enough for them or I’m asking them questions ABOUT THEIR PATIENT that I’m required to ask in order to do my job. Nurses who talk over me, talk down to me and hang up on me. I get that they’re overworked and underpaid but SO AM I. My hope is that they have a lot more respect for their patients than they do for me.
Load More Replies...I used to work with this kid that wanted to be a stereotypical “good ok boy”(southern USA). He was being a racist dingleberry one day and I finally stopped him and asked if anyone of any color/shade/race/whatever did anything to him in his whole life (we’re both white). He started stuttering and couldn’t answer me. I said something to the effect of “ I’ve been the only white guy more times than I can count and no one has mistreated me more than other white people, so from my experience your little theory has some issues”. He finally shut up for a little while.
A nurse told me in the 80s, a man took his critically-ill daughter to another hospital because there were only black nurses on the ward. She called ahead to the hospital he was taking her too (and not in an ambulance), but she said, all the nurses there were black as well. She doesn't know what the father did, but that child---he put her life at risk; she could have died. Maybe she did. By the way, this was in Canada.
A friends friend was working at a british hospital and hw was the only white doctor among collegues from India and Africa. Some white patients were happy to see him, but when he opened his mouth and they heard his strong german accent, the reaction was "The only white doctor here is a Nazi!"
Edit: From Canada. Never heard something like this before.
It is hard for people to understand how Black people, and other POC's, in the US have to deal with racism... I wish people would understand that the things we go through are not loud and obvious anymore. It is usually done in quiet because it is not 1950 anymore. Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it is not happening.
It's saddening how much racism is still living so actively in the US... I'm not saying that it's not happening in Europe, because it is. Having The Orange Hellmouth for president all those years sure stirred up the fire under racism a bit more.
I was visiting a small town in upstate NH. We dropped by Walmart and as we were walking through the parking lot to the entrance, these two younger guys were leaving. As they walked to their vehicle, everyone was staring at them… like eyes glued to them, heads turning to follow them, some of them stopping just to stare. I didn’t understand what was going on. I didn’t recognize them as someone famous. Why were people staring? They just looked like two normal guys to me. So, I asked my uncle who lived there, “Why is everyone staring at those guys?” He said, “They’re black. We don’t get to see many black people up here.” I was flabbergasted. It was definitely an eye opening moment for me.
When I realized that my life would be so much better for me, emotionally, when I let someone in my life go. Permanently.
I was always very friendly as a kid and always tried to make others happy. There were several times growing up where I would introduce friends to other friends and they would end up being really good friends and end up ignoring me for some reason, pushing me out of the friend group. When I was old enough (about 20) to realize how being treated unkindly or purposely ignored by "friends" and family scarred me, I purposed that I would never ever treat anyone that way. I now try to go and talk to and show interest to people who seem lonely or insecure, even if it means I have to push past my own discomfort or lack of motivation in the moment. I don't want people to have to feel the way I did when younger and wish that those people would understand their self-worth apart from others...
Same thing happened in my life. I'm still working on getting past the discomfort.
Load More Replies...That includes your family members, if they are toxic and abusive. They will not change for the better just because you desperately wish for it and do your best to be kind and tolerant (it's just not working).
I agree. I’ve had to do this, I feel guilty about it, but it’s better for my mental health.
Load More Replies...i was friends with someone for over 20 years but it wasn't until i met someone else who was kind to me and made me happy to see them did i realise that this other person wasn't really a friend they moved away and i slowly stopped speaking to them its been about 6 years now i dont wish any ill will on them but i have changed as a person for the better since
I was often taught to refrain from dating until I was 16. And there was this girl in my church whom I really wanted to go out with, but shortly after my 16th birthday, COVID-19 hit and I was trapped inside for weeks. Eventually, I was able to ask her out, but by then, she already had a boyfriend. I had no choice but to say "Oh. Never mind then." and leave it at that.
That kind of desicion takes a lot of courage...I look up to you now
This! Walking away from my toxic mother 25 years ago was the best life changing decision I ever made.
When I realized that my son would be better with no father than with a toxic, manipulative, alcoholic father. It’s only happened in the last two weeks that I have finally found the strength to cut him out of our lives, but I already feel so much calmer. I always thought I would know the signs of mistreatment, and that because I was not being hit that things weren’t that bad, that it was just “normal” couple stuff that everyone went through. But it’s not.
Being constantly belittled, stolen from, guilted into giving money & taking out loans, gaslit, having any self-confidence destroyed, manipulated, etc. takes its toll. They develop a hold over you. And I felt like I couldn’t cope without him in my life because no one else would want me. But then I had the realization that I cannot have my son grow up and see the relationship between his parents and think that it is an acceptable way to treat a woman (or anyone for that matter).
We’re finally free. I’m going to get therapy. I have amazingly supportive family & friends, that are just glad that I have finally seen the light. My son will grow up surrounded by love, happiness & good people.
Same with my mom. Divorced for 15yrs now, a whole new person! You made the right decision really!
Thank you! 10 months on and still no contact (and he hasn’t even attempted it either). So glad I made that choice. I’m glad your mom is doing well ❤️
Load More Replies...I promise you everything will get better. I've been there myself, only difference was, I was being hit and beaten at the end of the relationship. I never thought I would smile, be confident or have a decent life again. But EVERYTHING has changed for the better since I threw that A*shole out of our lives. I even found the man of my dreams and are now happily married and having the best relationship of my life. It took a lot of time, but it was worth all of the tears,, therapy and struggels. Wishing you and your son all of the best to come.
Thank you, I’m so glad you’re in a wonderful marriage now.
Load More Replies...My best to you, Lolabean. Good on you for leaving that life and finding support and love!
Good for you! So proud of you, friend. I chose not to stay with my daughter's toxic father many years ago, and trust me, BEST decision ever. She now has an incredible stepdad in my husband, and he is truly her "papa." Being a single mom is hard, no joke, but fighting for your kid makes it so worth it. You got this. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you. I’m glad you found a wonderful husband and papa for your daughter, you deserve it!
Load More Replies...Oof this hits unexpectedly hard. Respect to you, that must have been tough. I kicked out my husband and divorced who was so exactly like this. Fortunately he refused to even discuss having children because "they would take my time and were expensive" and he wanted that time and money to himself. Now I have a wonderful partner and a little girl - I dread to think that this is what would have happened if I had managed to convince my first husband that I did want a family.
I’m glad that you found the partner you deserve and had your little girl.
Load More Replies...Yay im so happy to read this! Went threw the same thing ( but with the violence as well) and it truly is a freeing experience and to see the changes in your children when you get away from it is so rewarding
Thank you. I’m so thankful that my son was young, 8 months, when we cut off contact. I’m glad that you found the courage to leave and that your children are happier now too.
Load More Replies...Someone would want what you have to offer. But alone is better than abuse.
I am proud of you. A lot of times it's harder to see and realize emotional abuse because it's more subtle. There's this wrong narrative about staying together for the kids and that you need to have the dad around. No if the dad (or mom) is a toxic piece of work then it's best to minimize or cut contact. Staying in an unhappy marriage/relationship makes the while family miserable. My mom told me she wished her parents had divorced and she moved out when she was still a minor because she couldn't handle it. You are right. Kids learn from their parents/guardians and what your son was learning was that it was ok to be a drunk and emotionally and financially abuse a romantic partner.
The realization that being angry is a choice.
And untrue. Our emotions are much more complex than rational choice, and usually happen before we can choose. What we can choose is how to deal with them and what to do about them. Avoid oversimplifications in any part of life.
Load More Replies...Becoming angry is not always a choice. It's an emotional response. Acting out of anger is a choice. Holding on to anger instead of working through your emotional response and resolving it, is a choice. Allowing yourself to habitually be angry instead of working on managing your emotions, is a choice. Not being angry takes work. Choose to do the work.
Not nessesarily, your emotions can be hard to control and sometimes they just run wild. However you can choose how you will handle them, and whether you want to act on your first impuls and shout "IDIOT!" at someone, or if you'd rather keep that thought to yourself, stop for a moment and look for the deeper cause of why he might have chosen to act that way.
No, not really. Not dealing and/or acknowledging the situation that has caused that anger can lead to mental health problems. And the situation can be perplexing and intellectually incredibly frustrating. But to allow our emotions to be constantly in turmoil because of that situation is harmful. And to set aside that turmoil in order to lead a balanced happy life is sometimes the only power we have over that situation.
Load More Replies...We may not be conscious of it, but yes, we do choose our reactions. We can also choose not to react negatively by becoming aware of it. Kind of like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, where we are trained to change disturbing, destructive, negative behaviors by becoming aware of them when they flare up, and replace them with positive and constructive behaviors.
Experiencing emotions is involuntary. How you react to them is not.
When I found out the church I attended was a bunch of hypocrites and liars. Left that church and religion altogether when I realized all was based on lies and misinformation.
That's quite a broad statement. You've studied "all" religions?
Load More Replies...While true faith is a beautiful thing to behold, unfortunately there aren’t many people who have it. Most people who claim to be religious are anything but. That hypocrisy, plus the long history of religion being used as an excuse for unspeakable acts of violence—-on massive scales—-turned me away from it too. Though many of the guidelines of major religions make sense to me, as a way to live amongst other people and keep society from descending into chaos, and I do try to live by the most sensible of them, I am completely turned off by how others misinterpret, cherry-pick, and use the guidelines and stories in the Bible for their own selfish endeavors. Religion isn’t at fault here, people are. Humans can take anything that’s good and pure and turn it into s**t. We always have and, unless there’s some great reckoning ahead of us or we finally put the knuckledraggers behind us and finally allow ourselves to evolve to a higher level, we always will.
I would disagree that faith is beautiful, its a reason to believe in something with no evidence. All religions cant be right, but they can all be wrong.
Load More Replies...At the risk of being burned at the stake I will say two things: 1. I think there is more than one way (religion) to get to heaven/nirvana or whatever your religion calls it - as long as your religion does not advocate forced conversion or ostracizing people as a means of conversion. I think the best means of spreading or advocating a religion is by example. Most of the folks I think are the best at spreading their religion are the ones who live it. They will not say what it is unless you ask them. And they do not tell people they are "wrong", "sinners", or going to "hell". 2. Having said that, the most "righteous" and "holiest" (their words not ours) of most religions are the biggest hypocrites who are not the example folks should follow. And this is across the religious spectrum - it is one thing all religions are the same - from Adventist to Zoroastrians (well, not the Zoroastrians but you get what I am saying.)
Why is hatred and discrimination of people of faith still acceptable? If you made statements like these regarding people's nationality, skin color, etc., you'd be totally shut down. But say it about a person of faith, and it's still socially acceptable. The last acceptable discrimination...
See the post below this one for examples (about the gay 58-y-o, #12 for now). It's incredibly common for people to suffer because of (fanatic) faithful people, and it's incredibly common for faithful people to put their faith above all else and let nothing, not even facts or the feelings of their own children, change their mind. This is different from ageism, racism etc. in that the faith you have IS your decision (past a certain age) and you can't make the "that's just who they are"-argument cause it can change easily. My mother recently apologised for pushing the Christian faith so much when I was young, saying she understood how that must have been a big part of me turning "atheist" (rather agnostic, really). You can have your faith, teach your children about it and STILL let them choose on their own, but most people don't do that, because they are so sure they "picked" the right religion out of thousands.
Load More Replies...The churches can be full of hypocrites and liars, but I never went for the other people, I went to learn more about the Bible. Plus, what better place for them to be then in a place they may learn to NOT be hypocrites and liars?
The bible was written and edited by liars and hypocrites. 🤷🏼♀️
Load More Replies...Not all churches or religions are bad. There are certainly many that take advantage of people, but there are many that help people, too.
Religions are man-made! I do claim to be a Christian but I don't believe in 'man-made' religious laws. I believe in treating EVERYONE RIGHT and FAIR and JUST until you show me different. After that I leave you up to FATE and whatever it brings you. I believe those that do others wrong will pay, one way or another.
"Jesus loves you. If you don't love him back, he'll send you to burn in hell for eternity."
Load More Replies...Ivo is right. I'd strongly recommend reading Joseph Campbell's writings, including the "functions of religion:" 1. Mystical/Philosophical - keeps navel-gazers occupied 2. Cosmological - Explains natural phenomena supernaturally - god of the (shrinking) gaps 3. Sociological - reinforces us vs them, permitting genocide (gets more land, less competition) - Read Deuteronomy 20:16-18 (1st Yahweh-sanctioned genocide) 4. Enforce behavioral "moral" norms. - bearded judge in the sky... (see Santa Claus)
I (58M) allowed my fanatically religious mother to bully and harass me about religion for my entire life. She drilled Jesus into me every day as a child. I was sent to Christian schools and we attended church every time the doors were open. We went to revivals and camp meetings at every opportunity. When I became an adult I move out, but she continued the campaign of trying to convert me to her fanatical brand of hate-based Christianity. I grew up among racists, misogynist, and homophobes. They preach interracial couples are a sin, women are subservient to men, and gays are going straight to hell. The latter has been particularly painful for me because I'm gay. I knew the moment puberty hit. The preachers preached that gays were the lowest form of life to slither across this earth and they deserved to burn in hell. There were no role models on TV. I had no one to turn to. My parents gave my siblings cars when they turned 16. I bought my own car so I would have something to live in if they found out I was gay. My teen years were terrifying. During adulthood, I have withstood my mother's religious mistreatments to keep the family peace and to avoid offending her (given how she has treated me, I know that sounds crazy). But she is my mother and no one wants to hurt their mother. I turned the other cheek when she came after me, until... I married my husband in 2013. In 2018, I finally mustered the courage to tell my mother we were married. She offered no kind words, no congratulations, no support, and didn't ask a single question. She just lowered her head and said, "I know." That was the end of the conversation. During my next visit to her house (I was 55 at the time), her Christian anger erupted. She physically restrained me in a chair, got in my face, and said over and over and over that I'm going to hell. Despite the devastation, that moment was cathartic for me. That one minute interaction with my mother changed my life forever. I stood up, walked out of her house and life, and I haven't looked back. I blocked her on my phone so she can't call me. I am free of this woman finally. My only regret is that I didn't do it 30 years ago. Oh how much more peaceful my life would have been. By the way, I have seen psychotherapists for my entire adult life trying to recover from her. It has helped.
Thank you for pointing out that that is a fanatical brand of hate-based Christianity, not what the Bible actually teaches. People like that are what give God a bad name.
It is SO pathetically sad that the Christian religion, which speaks of love, mercy and redemption, is so hideously misunderstood by some people, like your mother. She wasn't a Christian. She was mentally ill, and really needed help.
Her beliefs were Christian but her acts weren't because Christians are supposed to love are enemies like Jesus Christ said. I don't agree with the way she tried to forcibly make him Christian it is unchristian. Also raising your child in your belief isn't bad it's just the way parenting is, you just hope he continues in your belief is just the way life has been.
Load More Replies...Neither you or your husband deserve that kind of toxicity in your life and your so called "mother" doesn't deserve to have you guys in her life. It's a privilege to be a mother, not a human right and if you can't treat your kid(s) right, you don't deserve to be in their lives when they are adults. Wishing you all the best.
I had a mom just like yours, but her god was her narcissism. Our relationship went a similar path, except my mom would escalate int committing Class A federal felonies against me before I finally cut her off and got therapy. Within months of this sunder, I underwent an entire positive paradigm change. I had no idea how much of my suffering and setbacks were due just to having her in my orbit. I can fully appreciate the courage, conviction, endurance, self-doubt, lonliness, and wishing for what might and should have been, that you went through. I respect that you married your soulmate regardless of the crippling insecurites and societal taboos. The only way out of that darkness is to follow a heart fired by conviction. I'm guessing that you were first following your husband's heart until the fire in your own heart was finally given enough to shine instead of starve. Your greatest victory though was to not become the monster who bit you. I wish you love and happiness everlasting.
If you want new parents, my spouse and I are volunteering for the job.
It's more likely that your mother will go to hell because of her treatment of you. I no longer believe in God, because reasons, but the church I was involved with preached to love your fellow man and respect them even if their life doesn't match your own.I never get this completely right but - don't mention the speck in your neighbour's eye when you have a log in your own.
Before my mother died, my sister said she constantly asked if I was mad at her, why didn't I call her...why didn't I come to see her. It's because I spent most of my childhood being verbally abused and beaten and most of my adult life being harassed by this woman that would manipulate and interfere anytime she thought she could get something out of it. She's one of those people that you have to watch what you say around her because she'd take your words, twist them and try to use them to split you apart from other people in your life. I'd had enough. I walked away. I wasn't mad...I was just tired of the mind games.
Good for you! And Jesus never said those things about women or gay people, so you're fine.
or interracial marriage for that matter
Load More Replies...NOBODY should be punished for something they didn't choose. I didn't choose to be autistic. My friend in elementary school didn't choose to be black and my high school bully didn't choose to be gay. NONE of them should be shunned or antagonized by people for it. In my church, I was taught to love one another as Jesus loves you and that is the philosophy I plan to live by.
It’s been 15 months since I gave up alcohol, and my life is recognizable again. Best decision I’ve ever made.
Four months for me! I wouldn’t even classify myself as an alcoholic. I just…drank too much and for some of us, abstaining is easier than controlling so I cut it out. My life has never been better. I thought it would be so hard but, as it turns out, it was one of the easiest things I have ever done!
Hey me too. I like to say I wasn't an alcoholic but on my way there and saw some parts of the family waiting for me. I had to turn it around or I was going to pull up and I'd never leave again
Load More Replies...When you stop drinking and the good emotions start returning and then suddenly you realize one day “hey I’m walking around with a bounce in my step, feeling great and in a good mood, thinking clearly - and yet I’m completely sober! I can feel this way without alcohol!” it’s the best feeling ever :)
Hurrah for you you. You can do this.i know because I've been sober for 22 years.if you need to talk you can reach me at duane.johnston@gmail.com and I'll give you my phone #
In my early 20s, I became frustrated with the constant harassment and general bulls**t of working a dead-end office job and decided to go back to school and earn a degree. I was in a slightly male-dominated program (science) but felt respected by my peers.
Fast-forward six years to graduation and I was at a celebration with students from my program. I overheard a large group of drunk male students talking about a female classmate, referring to her with a disgusting, objectifying "nickname." They saw the look on my face and one of them said "relax, we've got names for all of you." I was less shocked than I was disappointed in myself, for being stupid enough to think that "educated" men would be more respectful.
I've worked in research for 25 years and have had a lot of great male colleagues, but sadly there is just as much sexist bulls**t as in any other job.
As a female securityguard with over 15 years of experience, I sadly, can confirm this. Why some people think that a certain gender can't do a good job in a "male/female" dominent field, still puzzles me.. We live in 2022 not the 1950'ies.
There's certain things about some jobs that recommend them for one gender above the other: barely anyone would want a male midwife if ever a man decided to get into that, because it's something so innately bound to "womanhood"; my sister knew when she started going into carpentry that her female body would probably bring her back pain and joint pain much earlier than her male colleagues, because the muscles are differently distributed (she left because of sexist aholery after she had a child and is a day care teacher now); a female bouncer might attract more trouble than repel it because of guys trying to "prove" their "manliness"; a male dessous salesman might not be thought to be an expert on bra comfort... There's reasons, not always strictly sexist reasons, that some jobs are male/female dominant. I absolutely support people who blur the borders (my sister was a great carpenter!), but there will probably always be some differences.
Load More Replies...The ego of men is so damned fragile they are forced to join forces and put down everyone that threatens them. Women threaten them because women are smarter, braver and more driven. All men have over women is brute strength, so when that is taken out of the equation, they freak out.
Why the hate?! Not EVERY man is like that! Maybe I don’t understand your comment?
Load More Replies...My response to that would have been: "You do? Great! The gals have names for all of you too! And some of them are f-ing hilarious! Oh, gotta go! Later, guys!"
Wouldn't this kind of response just make them think their behaviour is justified & acceptable?
Load More Replies...Really difficult to be conscious, in a majority of men, about our mental limitations. It is part of a greater inner transformation
that is horrible. I've found that academic men in my country do not often behave like this, obviously there are exceptions but not all.
The tragedy is how stupid *we* feel when someone else says something horrible.
When a dear friend passed away suddenly, and when clearing out their desk, I found their mantra on a piece of paper on top of their workload in the drawer…
1. Don’t worry about things, as most things never happen.
2. Don’t sweat the small stuff, it too will probably not happen
3. Give more.
4. Expect less.
(and the one I always smile at, as they said it often)
5. To get something you never had before, you gotta do something you have never done before.
That last one sounds so great - the symmetry is wonderful but too bad it's usually not true. If the thing you never had can be purchased and you have a job to make money which is usually the case, you just keep doing your job that you always did to save enough to get the thing you never had. Why are there so many "great" sayings that sound so much better than they are actually true.
I think that’s a rather materialistic way to think about it, how about when it’s applied to character development or relationships?
Load More Replies...Those things I tell my son whenever he's hanging in to things that lead nowhere ;)
I was doing an internship for my Ph.D. in psychology at a large, public hospital. I told my supervisor about a patient and he asked me what I did about the situation. I told him I didn’t do anything, that I waited to ask him. He said, “If you don’t do anything, who will?” That statement taught me to take on my professional role and step up to help. It guided me through a long career.
To be fair, in many cases, taking the issue up with someone who has the power to do something IS what you are capable of and what you should be doing. Nobody expects us to handle global warming all on our own, but we CAN reach out to the people we put in the position to pass legislation and force a change. Nobody can expect a child to stop a mugging, but the child can call out and draw attention to it, and get someone to help. Nobody can do it all alone. You should not feel guilty for delegating responsibility, as long as you do your fair share.
I relate to this! I don’t work in healthcare so people’s lives aren’t at risk, but when I first took on my marketing job I was really shy about some stuff. Some projects were taking me a long time because I was waiting for the (very busy) management to approve every tiny decision I made. Eventually I learned where the boundaries lie and became smarter and more confident, and now I often follow the “ask for forgiveness not permission” model haha, it got me a fat raise last year :)
When I learned that my doctors didn’t expect me to survive cancer. They told me I’d never see my 40th birthday.
I’m 45 now, but facing my own mortality completely changed me.
Every single person who has had cancer (or has it) changes. I'm glad you are ok now. Hugs for you Rebecca.
You're never quite the same. They talk about a "new normal" after cancer. It's different for each person but a positive attitude helps tremendously
Load More Replies...Congratulations!! You did it, made it to "You're new Normal". I'm 2 years cancer free :)
Getting MRI results back next week. Fingers crossed I won't be facing my mortality. *I'm so frickin stressed rn*
I'll be thinking of you Remi. We are here for you. X
Load More Replies...I disclosed my diagnosis to only a handful of people. I stopped sharing when a friend told me they know how I feel, it could be worse. Another said, only six chemotherapy treatments, that’s nothing my friend had nine and radiation. I was dumbfounded…this is not a game of ‘top that whoa’. If you never had cancer…how can you possibly know how I feel? That diagnosis is the most alone and singular I’ve ever felt. No one who has never faced it can really understand the vortex of fear that envelopes you. You are now in a different reality than friends and family. You could be in a room with many friends or family but you are alone. Thank you for posting!! Your’s is a great survivor story, I’ll keep it close to my heart!❤️
I faced the same with my 30th birthday.... but I'm 42 now! I do think it makes you look at life (and death) differently.
I've survived cancer (so far), but it hasn't made me appreciate life any more than I did before. In fact, it's been the exact opposite. I'm grateful that I haven't suffered a drawn out and painful end, and I'm grateful that my family and friends haven't had to deal with me leaving them, but that's all. I have no appreciation of living. Having had cancer simply underscored to me how horrible it is to live, because living means possibly getting a horrible disease (among other horrible possibilities). When I see people celebrate overcoming cancer, I can't relate to them, even though I am one of them. I can't feel any joy about it. And I certainly don't treasure the days or make them count. Each day has a pointlessness and sadness to it that only dissipates slightly when I fall to sleep, but returns and repeats itself the very next day. No joy, no value, and no hope.
I think you might need to see a doctor regarding depression or anhedonia.
Load More Replies...I got out of a serious car accident (very large lorry versus my tiny car at 70mph) with my life (and a host of disabilities). I faced a time where they honestly thought I was not going to make it and frankly I did too. Facing the end alters you, not always in good ways - I became paranoid of everything, the ptsd will not go away.. ..but I also make more of a point to nurture good relationships, tell people I love them because I don’t want to regret not doing it.
Same same. I was 27. When I try to explain why it was the most profound and important thing that’s ever happened to me, people either get it or think I’m nuts. I never thought of myself as fearing death until I had to confront my own mortality. Everything important to me changed. My purpose in life, particularly my time, became more valuable than anything and how I use it is the ultimate measure of success. It was a paradigm shift and catharsis that put me on a path so very different, but I’m much more content and take nothing in life for granted. My happiness, the people in my life and their happiness means the world to me.
Every single person I have known who has suffered cancer has changed, from living people to dead people. I have never been lucky enough to know someone who has been cured.
I m truly sorry for your experience. I hope that changes for you, either that no one else develops cancer or they are able to survive.
Load More Replies...
I used to be an awful person (Well, more than I am now), and I was generally being an a**hole because I got stressed out (which was a poor excuse), and I accidentally made my grandfather cry.
I’m a shi**y person, but it opened my eye to how awful I truly was. I make sure to at least apologize and stop myself now.
You're much less shitty when you realize what you did was shitty. Glad you owned up, takes strength! Wish you all the best hopefully you read this.
At my sentencing, my grandma saw me in chains and burst into tears. That was the last time she ever got to see me. It still hurts so much, knowing how much I took from us.
I'm sorry. I hope you're out the other side and life is better.
Load More Replies...Yeah, and It’s most definitely my fault
Load More Replies...You are not 'sh*tty'; you just didn't know better. Keep learning, friend; I can really relate to you.
When I see my Dad cry, it's like the world stops and I have to do everything to make it better. Nothing cuts me down more.
If you acknowledge that, maybe you are not as awful as you think.
When I was maybe 9 or 10 I was jealous of the "rich" families in our small town, and I asked my mom why we didn't have a nice new big house and a nice car.
She told me they probably aren't really rich, they just have a lot of debt, and it has always stuck with me. Now as an adult I don't feel jealous, I feel sorry for them because they feel the need to display their "wealth".
No need to be sorry either. They used their lives and their money their way, they are most probably not struggling, just made a different choices. Just be happy with your life and don’t mind theirs.
You’re right. Some might have worked hard, might contribute time or money to charities, had times where they themselves have struggled, you will never know.
Load More Replies...Honestly, feeling sorry for them and assuming they have a need to display their "wealth" is as unhealthy as a rich person seeing someone driving a cheap rig or wearing old clothes and assuming they're poor. Sure, some people are ostentatious jerks, but most are simply living in a way that is most comfortable for them. I don't expect my doctor to drive the same car I do, and I don't begrudge him his high salary. Just treat everyone with respect, ignore the trappings (whether they're diamonds and Mercedes or janky jalopies and old jeans) focus on personality, ethics, and kindness.
I asked my mom the same thing. She said, Drive down the streets in the late evenings and notes how many lights are off. That's because they're all still at work. Haha thanks, Mom : )
I never understood the need to put yourself in financial debt to impress the neighbors. I spent most of my childhood in public schools that catered to upper middle class families. I got a great education out of it, but never understood why my mother wouldn't buy the latest greatest things for us so we could stay in with the hip crowd. Fast forward a decade later and I'm hearing a group of doctors at a hospital cafeteria brag about the Rolex watches they bought. I walked up to them and showed them the Casio watch I bought for $10..it tells time, is water proof and has lasted me for 7 years...and I can spend the money I save on buying food for the local food bank. They shut up quickly.
My coworker and I both needed new shoes for work. He wanted the high-end brand like all the fancy managers have, couldn’t settle for less. I got something mid-tier - best quality for the price point. He spent $450. I spent $100. That was years ago, both our shoes are starting to fall apart. His $450 didn’t really get him anything better except for the name of the label on the tag, which means nothing to me but was worth a lot to him, he needed the world to know he spends a lot of unnecessary money on his image. I’ll stick with the $100 pair.
Load More Replies...PS the car in the above image is a Jag XKR 2009. You can get them nowadays for around GBP 10 000 or so. Not bad.
Thank you! I was trying to decide if it was a Jag or a Ferrari. Beautiful body style.
Load More Replies...Also. We looked rich, because we had a lot of debts. Now only really poor ppl envy me. My parents, you'd think they have no cent. I was worried about them. They never buy anything luxurous. Dad eats beans with peas. Turns out they have 45.000 on their bank account LOL. I had an uncle. He had a small farm. He ate onions for dinner. They built a highway and he had to sell his land, got loads of money and he gave it all to some good cause. His son started his own business in an old barn and is now a millionair with a gigantic house and he has cattle for fun.
Load More Replies...still a shitty & judgemental way to think & live. Let people live their lives, wealthy or not.
I was basically told to be afraid of gay people my entire life. My dad decided to take a job down in the Florida keys. Gay capital or Florida. After high-school I basically came to the conclusion I love everyone as long as their not f*****g a**hats to me. Problem solved. Well not for my dad. This still cracks me up to this day.....fast forward 6 years. Dad comes down after leaving Florida to come see me. I still live in key west and work at a "gay bar" as a shot girl. I allowed people to take body shots off my belly button. Yeah...eww... but it's liquor so there's that. Anywhom.... took my dad to the bar. He is mortified. Constantly making homofobic comments but to only me. I told him to shut the f**k up. This is my family. He finally sits down watches one of the drag queens and falls in love with it all. Because of me I have single handly changed my family to the point my conservative grandma loves the f**k out of the gay community and supports them from harm at her church. Who has a rainbow flag flying from their temple or worship. Thank you lord. 💓
Made me cry---from happiness. She did a great job showing them the light.
Load More Replies...That's really nice! My family changed because of me being queer and disabled as well. Isn't that the nicest feeling? Like to truly touch someone's life and have them change for the better.
This was my favorite by far! And it just gave me my own revelation! My parents and family did not respond well (to say the least) to my coming out. This was quite a long time ago now. But now they call my husband they're son, and encourage their grandchildren (all of my sibling's children) to be themselves. And it has never once occurred to me that I did that... Thank you for sharing this, and for making me see myself in a way that I thought I would never get to!
BP why are people being down voted??? ATT: Board Panda Staff.
I feel my siblings and I have e helped temper my parents stone-age indoctrinated attitude to being openly gay. It's not like gay was invented in the 60s.. it's just people are starting to realise that they were misinformed about what love actually is.
When my best friend came out and I realized I wasn’t straight either and I was opened up to a whole new world of LGBTQ+ people.
For me it was my cousin. I started thinking about my own sexuality, and came to the conclusion that if it was okay for her to like girls, then it's okay for me to like them too. I'm bisexual, but I haven't told anyone outside BP. EDIT 9 months later: I'm out, I'm proud, and I've been having a blast now that the secret is out :).
Same here. I befriended a girl in sixth grade, she was very open about the fact that she was bi. She introduced me to the alphabet mafia and caused me to reconsider my view of relationships and myself.
My gay awakening was when someone in my class said it was weird to kiss another girl if you were a girl. I sat up all night thinking about it. What would it be like to kiss a girl? I came to the conclusion of... Pretty nice. Thank you homophobic classmate! /hj
I like your story. It's sort of reversed my story. I just tried it out in my teens. Kissing both, boys and girls. Figured that kissing girls was, depending on the girl, nice but I liked kissing boys better 😂
Load More Replies...Yep me too guy, girl, or preferred gender…..although I relized differently…………….
My mom had a gay friend she worked with. Never occurred to me he was different. As an adult, a friend came to a party as someone else. Oldest asked if she was his uncle .... Said yes. Knew I'd done well when all he said was "She sure is pretty. " Kids friends coming out to me, my own kids being bi and trans. Nice people are nice regardless. A$$holes are a$$holes regardless.
I realised when I was looking through my mates social media and realised she was in a lgbt group, only as an ally then I think. Going to a christian school and living in a fairly conservative house, I hadn't realised that women could love women and some people aren't cis. I asked what the acronym stood for, got a response and sort of continued from there.
There were some famous hot musicians when I was just the age to start noticing. Guys, girls, alien of indeterminate gender and that's when I knew
When I realized that nothing really matters, like to the universe. This thought actually helped my depression and anxiety because it lifts some of the weight off my chest, that even if I mess something up, the universe will carry on just fine, it's not the end of the world if I do/say something wrong.
Learned this also. We are all basically a bunch of billion years old carbon-atoms... we go where we came from and the universe isnt affected by it at all, so it doesnt matter what we all do. Its about us how we feel and how we do through our current state of life. 😊
This! I love the song 'Follow the sun' from Xavier Rudd... When you feel life coming down on you, like a heavy weight. When you feel this crazy society, adding to the strain. Take a stroll to the nearest waters and remember your place. Many moons have risen and fallen long, long before you came. So which way is the wind blowin', and what does your heart say?
What a beautiful song, I just checked it out and downloaded it, thank you :)
Load More Replies...Optimistic nihilism. This helped me get through a few dark places. In the end nothing matters so take joy in making the world a better place while youre here and don't sweat the stuff that will ultimately be oblivion in a few years. This explains it much better and opened my eyes to it https://youtu.be/MBRqu0YOH14
When I was severely depressed the fact that no one seemed to care about what their actions (and inactions) were doing to the planet made it all much worse. But then I realized that no matter what we do, no matter how destructive, will destroy Mother Earth. We are in what appears to be the planet's sixth age of major extinction which is pretty sad. But no matter what Life will find a way and go on.
See, for me it was the other way around as a teenager: the thought that nothing we did ever really made a difference, like ants in a hailstorm, terrified and froze me. I only got out because I realised that it matters - to someone, even if it's just me.
When God's booming voice from above told me to quit drinking & using drugs...OR ELSE!
Well, it was actually a judge, but he thought he was a god. 😁
i think that's a good way to look at it. so many people wait for a god to speak to them, but never consider he might be speaking through other people. it's like the classic joke of the man who keeps thinking god will save him as he's dying and refuses medical help, and when he gets to heaven he asks god why he didnt help him, and god says "well i sent you all that medical help, didn't i?"
Load More Replies...Actually, I did have God tell me. What do you do? I stopped, pronto.
I was in a cruel relationship for years. I didn't mind being the victim as much as it bothered me that he would mistreat our daughter. I'm normally a non-confrontational person and often had recurring nightmares of the mistreatment. I was being stalked, harrassed as i had come to expect from this recurring nightmare, and i kept waiting for someone to save me. These nightmares kept going even after i left the relationship. Then, one night, it occurred to me that nobody was coming to save me. I was on my own. I could either get used to being someone's domestic plaything, or i could stand up and save myself. So i did. Five years later, i'm married to an amazing man, and the mistreatment is just a bad memory from long ago. My husband's friends regard me as a terrifying force of nature. All because i decided to be my own damn hero.
How dare you take my line! Jk! I'm in total agreement.
Load More Replies...I wish my mum could realise this. She was 18 when she met my dad and 25 when he left her for one of his many girlfriends. She met my brother and sisters dad at 30 which was basically he dropped over whenever he was horny. Neither men were active partners or fathers, both left us hungry, cold and neglected. It never occurred to my mum to help herself. She's 65 now and has waited her whole life for a knight in shining armour all her life. We grew up on benefits with nothing to our name ( my grandparents put their old fashioned views on my mum and she basically did what she was told ) the worst thing was she encouraged the same for me and my sister........... heck no! We've both married amazing men who are amazing dads and we've got an equal partnership I've been with my husband 27 years and my sister and her husband for 17. No one can rescue you but you!
In my final year of high school, I (F) hung out with a girl. We did everything together but I mostly enjoyed the sleepovers. We lost touch after graduation. A few years later we are both back home visiting family and run into each other. She tells me she is recently engaged and brought her fiancé to meet her dad. A young woman approaches us and I get introduced - to her fiancée.
I am clearly surprised and asked her how long she had known. She said since she was 13. Does your dad know? Yep, since I first knew. Why did you not tell me? You know why. Indeed, I did. It was not something that was ever spoken - just a given. It was not right - period!
It was then that I realized any prejudices, racism, or anything else in that regard that I may have, was not of my own. I swore, that day, to rid myself of all the toxic garbage that my parents and family had passed onto me and, especially, to never pass it on to my future children.
Skip ahead 20 years and I am watching Lethal Weapon with my 15-year-old son. Mom, I can't remember that one actor's name. Which one? The guy with the mustache. I tell him, Danny Glover. And then I had a silent cry.
My father was racist and homophobic. My mother... she didn't think she was but she would say things like 'a very nice black man helped me today' as if the description was necessary. I'd say 'you don't need to say he was black' and get told 'but he was'. Pointing out that she never mentioned skin colour when talking about white people went over her head. I was lucky to end up getting to know very open minded people early in life and realising my parents were not great role models here!! Well done for being that much better role model yourself.
Thanks, but it wasn't easy. Still isn't. There are so many sayings passed on that contain a racial slur. I usually catch myself but when I don't he tells me. I struggle with the LGBT terminology so I ask him. What does cis mean? "You, Mom! The LGBT community is evolving so fast I can't keep up. Google it!" As for my son - in elementary school I put him in the most diversified classrooms I could. I wanted him to know that the world was made up of multi- race, language, religion, abilities. Some teachers thought I was crazy but education is more than just english and math. And it made him a better person than myself.
Load More Replies...I don't understand the last part ... why did you cry? Ah ... I get it now. Mustache, not black guy. Nice!
Years ago I was asked to direct a visitor to the work station of a colleague - I said, 2nd Floor, 3rd desk on the RHS, she is wearing a yellow t-shirt today. A bit later, visitor came back to me and said 'you could just have said she was the black girl!'. I feel so proud that my folks raised me colour blind.
As a black person, we have no problem with being described by our race by anyone. Most of us don't have a problem with our race (meaning there are people who have PTSD from either direct or indirect mistreatment of black people that causes them fear or resentment of their own skin color). I completely understand what the OP is saying and it truly is a lovely thought and a sincere sentiment for her son, but what many of us don't want is people who "don't see color" when there is still so much racism. Racism is based in ignorance, whether willful or just lack of knowledge. We exterminate racism by discussing race, not by ignoring it. And I know it's an uncomfortable talk for some people to have. But imagine the discomfort of POC who have to deal with overt and subliminal racism every day that they then can't even confront because, who can they even talk to about it that can SOLVE the issue?
This! I'm very very white but I grew up with POC and I understand that saying your colorblind when it comes to people is a kinda racism. You need to acknowledge that they are black, because you have to acknowledge that they matter for who they are and that they deserve to be seen as much as anyone else. I hope that in my own way I'm doing my part.
Load More Replies..."Toxic garbage" is exactly it. My father passed away this past February. There is a whole world out there that I was not allowed to know about, as people were "different" from us. I have a whole lifetime to make up for. One day at a time.
Did it make you question your previous friendship with her as maybe being something more?
I did ask her. She said no because I liked boys too much! lol
Load More Replies...Refused to let FIL see son (only grandson) for almost 6mo unless he came to my house. He regularly used racial slurs. Asked him to please try not to in front of him. He said he'd talk however he wanted in his own house. Agreed but if he wouldn't even try, he wouldn't see my son unless it was at my house, where he WOULDN'T talk that way. MIL finally put her foot down about his language. Took some time but FIL stopped speaking that way.
I'm still always shocked that people get this from their parents. By the age of 12 I knew the things my dad said about black people was ridiculous. That they were people of a different color, but nothing else. That their are good and bad people period. Skin color is just that, skin color.
There is a story arc in the Manga one piece that is very clearly about racism but with presented a little different. Leaders from both factions realize one day that it only continues because the kids learn it from the adults. So they make a vow even if we can't get past our prejudice we can never let the kids see it. That one always stick with me and I try to not let my bias towards anything impact my kids decisions, and really evaluate any bias once I become aware of it
so weird they do a lesson about racism but use sambo lips on black and brown characters.
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I never truly understood what real helplessness was until my infant daughter had an illness that she might never recover from. Thankfully everything is fine but I often think of that and it centers me on any life problems I might encounter to provide perspective.
My sisters less than 2 month old step granddaughter died about an hour ago from a rare blood disorder. The baby was her 19 year old mothers first child and she only had hours to prepare and cope with her baby's illness/death. Life is so fragile and insignificant compared to the cosmos.
That's like the day my sister said that me and my husband were two of the most selfish people she ever met because we put our needs above our son. A few months later and my son was diagnosed with Autism. Everything changed and he became the center of every choice or move that we made. He's now a healthy functioning adult who is terrified of butterflies, loves cats and is big brother to any struggling toddler. (I once witnessed a riveting conversation between him and a 7 year old about all the Pokemon that just came out in the new release. That 7 year old was truly amazed that an adult knew so much about them.)
When I found out my favorite dinosaur the Brontosaurus ("B" from now on) wasn't real. I still believed in Santa so this was my first big "lie". The guy who found/named it had cludged it together from several dinosaurs and made a fake skull to say he found the biggest one. Scientists realized the mistake several years later and fixed it but the guy who funded the "B" scientist was a publisher so he continued the lie. I wasn't heart broken when the guy at the museum told me. Instead it hooked me on science because he showed me why. Science is about finding better answers and its ok to correct things that are wrong. For the first time, dinosaurs became real because they weren't perfect. I became a scientist whose chased marmots up mountains and worked in organ banks because of that "lie". Happy ending - they found a "B" skull in 2015 that matched most of the other bones from the original "B" and 3 species are back. So a mistaken mistake was corrected. I love science.
Wot? Weird entry unless written by a very old pensioner. Yes the original "brontosaur" was an apatosaur, but that discussion is from the 1900s (say, by 1915 it was agreed there was no brontosaur). However, in 2015 a genus of sauropods that were apatosaurs, yet noticeably distinct and smaller, were given their own genus of brontosaur --- so as we speak there are brontosaurs, and the referred-to controversy is over 100y past.
yeah all my dinosaur books as a kid in the 1980s listed brontosaur so... no, not corrected by 1915.
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That I have full control of my own happiness. No matter what anyone says, it is their opinion and I have my own as well. What I do that will make me happy, I chose that... whatever the consequences are, I take full responsibility for it.
Happiest I have ever been in the past 2 decades. I wish I knew this when I was younger! I chose my choices!
emotions are the point where mind and body meet. dont let your mind control you, you are not your mind, be the watcher over your thoughts. accept every situations like you chose it. that helped me a lot.
Unless you have a mood disorder. Then you don’t always have a say.
Load More Replies...Wouldn't that be nice. Unfortunately doesn't work if you have clinical depression.
It should be the first. My life changed upside down when I understand I can choose what emotion I want to feel in every situation. It is a decision and you have right to choose. They should teach it in the schools to kids.
Minor comment: you can’t choose what emotions to feel immediately. Emotions are reflexes, there’s going to be an instinctive reaction. The question is how long you let yourself feel that for.
Load More Replies...When I was about 11, I was talking with my best friend and I don't remember what I said, but it wasn't about Africa, but she misunderstood something and yelled, "I am not African!" and ran home crying. This is in the US and she was black and I was white. She rarely got mad and rarely yelled. She was a quiet, sweet person who would typically get hurt rather than mad. I didn't understand all that stuff. (I thought I was black for 6 months when I was 7, because she was "black" and we were the same in my view.) I realized when she went home crying that she had some ongoing, never-ending pain in her life that I didn't have in mine (and which nobody should have, let alone a little girl). I don't remember how I figured out exactly what this was all about not being African (probably my Mom explained). She was two grades below me, so if people were saying mean, racist things to her in school, I didn't know. The kids in the neighborhood were fine as far as I know, but my other friend's mom was clearly prejudiced, possibly racist. That is the day I lost my innocence and realized how incredibly unfair the world can be. And the saddest thing about that is that she had learned it years before :-(
Some kids in our neighborhood weren't allowed to play with me because I had a "black" friend. Didn't understand it then or now. Figured out I didn't really like most of them anyway. Stayed friends until they moved in middle school. We were just kids playing, for crying out loud!
I also realized that not everyone who screams that someone is being racist is telling the truth. I was in college and there was a guy in our class. He seemed to be angry all the time. I called him Calvin because I thought that was his name...he got angry and said "Who the F*** is Calvin." I apologized and said I thought that was the name the professor had used when addressing him. He said it was Kayden. Honest mistake. Then he was trying to get his backpack on and I saw it was getting hung up on his leather jacket...I reached out to help correct it and he whipped around saying "Don't touch me!" and the stormed off calling me a racist white B****. I saw him maybe one more time on campus and never saw him again.
Why people refer to black people as African I'll never understand. Unless they are actually IN Africa, most blacks have never set foot on the continent.
I remember the day I lost my innocence, I was six years old. There was a girl in my class who was the sweetest, kindest, most helpful person you could ever wish to meet. Her father, who I had met lots of times and was just like his daughter, had a massive heart attack and was dead before he hit the floor. Even though it happened more than 35 years ago I can still remember the day the class was told. The most amazing thing was that even though she was consumed by grief, she never stopped being the wonderful person that she was.
Leaving all toxic people behind. 28 rn but have never been this happy before.
good for you massive change in your life when you do that you realise the difference big time
It helps. I still have a couple that try to say "i miss you" or some sentiment but that's all they do, not actually ask about the issues or why I am now absent. It's a choice for the better.
I did the same. Modern day hermit, and my mental health is vastly improved. Remember to have hobbies, too.
The time I started to read the Bible on my own - not relying on what others had told me about the Bible.....
Which is why the church and state did not want the Bible printed in anything other than Latin...
Follow the words, no not those ones, who let you have a copy, give it back. That's it secret code.
Load More Replies...THAT'S absolutely wonderful! So many people claim they know the Jewish/Christian faiths, but have never read the scripture that defines them. They listen to the political/social justice rubbish that some pastors spout in the pulpit and never understand what true Christianity is. Or they read one or two verses without reading the context of the whole, and think that's all there is. The bible has been so misunderstood.
Probably the English version, which is kinda corrupted.
Load More Replies...The fastest way to realise you are an atheist is to read the bible in its entirety.
It's been translated so many times in so many languages we'll never know what it actually said. Just use the golden rule
WAY too many aggressive 'Christians' need to actually read what Jesus SAID.
There's a very amusing TikTok going around with a woman at what looks like a school board meeting talks about a book that should be removed from the library because it's filled with stories of incest, child murder/sacrifice, rape, etc. And it quickly comes clear that without mentioning it by name, she's talking about the Bible.
The moment in my life that changed the way I think was being told I had stage 3c ovarian cancer. It actually changed a lot more than my way of thinking.
I hope you are getting treatment and will experience a long long remission.
A few years earlier , I used to HATE K-pop and My friends who liked it. I am born in a Homophobic Family and always saw the world from their eyes. But as Now I grew up a bit , I realized How racist I am becoming !! I hated them because they have tiny eyes , and because K-pop guys wore makeup !! I was so embarrassed when I learned about Homophobic people , Because I was one and didn't knew !! Even tho I was just 11 , Im Still embarrassed that how stupid I was. If we should not judge a book by its cover , Why judge music by its language ? Why judge people by how they look ? WHY JUDGE PEOPLE ??
Good on you! However, I think you're meaning "xenophobic" (fear/dislike of foreigners) rather than "homophobic" (fear/dislike of members of the LGBTQ community) Your last sentence says it all!!
I also hated them because many of them had gay moments with their members tbh. Im so embarrassed. I was such an asshole
Load More Replies...At 11 ys old, you mostly repeat other people's ideas anyway. Many people never grow out of it even when they are much older. So you should be proud of yourself, it's not so easy to defy your whole family at a young age (l suspect you are still relatively young).
I dislike the whole k-pop trend only because I have a tendency to dislike anything that lots of other people really like (anime, some songs, Fortnite dances, etc. I was actually taught a Fortnite dance once by a friend and just went along with it, but then found out what it was and decided I’d never do it again. And I’m too stubborn to change my mind.)
I'm just not a fan of K-Pop in general, just never could get into it. I love J-pop/J-Rock though.
Got promoted to a leadership role. Shortly afterwards, of my closest coworkers get in a beef. I try to sort it out myself because one or both of them could have been fired over the incident. I deal with it before anyone else finds out, but neither one appreciates my help. First one (same position as me) reports me for using the word "s**t" in our conversation (trust me - every second word out of his mouth was worse). I get hauled into the manager's office and a letter placed in my employee file for being "unprofessional". Not much I can do about it. Second one (my subordinate) invites me to her place for a bbq where she gets stoned and tells me something disturbing about how she stalked an ex-coworker (that I was still friends with). Next day - coincidentally- the ex-coworker asks if I think she was crazy to think she was being stalked. I said no. It gets back to the stalker that I had the conversation with the ex-employee and said she wasn't crazy ... and I get hauled into the manager's office and suspended for two days for "breaching confidentiality" of my subordinate...... For talking to someone not employed by our company...... about something that had nothing to do with our business....... in the private residence of the subordinate..... who was high at the time. This has changed the fundamental nature of who I am as a leader. It's everyone for themselves out there. There is no such thing as a work-friend.
I hate to say it and I hate to follow it, but as a leader you really should not hang out with your subordinates unless it's a work outing (i.e. multiple coworkers, tame setting). Even if things never go badly, it can look like special treatment.
We worked on the together at a job before this one so we had history that goes back but yes - I hear you loud and clear. That was my mistake.
Load More Replies...You can have work friends! No real friend should be making your job harder.
There is no such thing as a work friend. When it comes down to it, you are 100% responsible for yourself, your words and your actions.
Load More Replies...You have to watch your back always. Being and honest person should be all it takes, but sadly, it's not! There's always someone looking to take you down.
I suffer from honesty, as well! So, I try to respond to tricky questions with, "I really couldn't say," or "Honestly? I wouldn't know without more information." My other new response to comments from folks I don't really agree with is, "I hear what you're saying!" Good luck out there!
Lol i made the similar (not the same, i am not the leader/manager) mistake at the company i am working atm. Small company, few people, thought we are all friends. Well, those "friends" showed their colour fast and would sacrifice anyone just to get closer to the managers, to score a point. TBH, it would be a great work envrioment if we could fire like 1 or 2 people (the biggest gossipers and negative energy spreaders, also the biggest backstabbers). Now i mostly sit in my office, eat my lunch there and only talk work with all of them. Those are coworkers, not friends people. Remember that
I learned soooo much about life once I was placed in a leadership role. I very much disliked the social dynamic, and I'm generally not interested in becoming someone's boss.
Started my own business about 20 years ago. Hired people and friends I knew really well, liked, and trusted. It's been the best place ever to go during the day. I could/should have retired some years ago but why would I want to? One of them yesterday was gently inquiring when I would quit and it turns out he doesn't want it to end, either. Had the same discussion with another a couple of weeks ago. THIS is the way to do it, if you can.
I didn't complain. I told the my story of what I learned and how if fundamentally changed who I am. You're out of line saying I complained. All I have done since that day is eat the s**t short that ensued because I accepted my accountability. The lesson is that there is no such thing as a work friend. I learned that and I will lead that way going forward.
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I worked in a highly competitive sporting industry when I was a young adult. I enjoyed some association with the England squad and ended up being on 'standby' for an International junior tournament. Flash forward to me turning professional and being as green as they come, trusting everybody, thinking everyone would be my friend. Like a daft labrador, wagging my tail at people.
The situation was that we had the first team (that you would see on the TV) and the reserves (that people came to watch in the stadium). There were three of us battling for those two positions. Healthy competition, I thought. May the best man win.
Oh, how wrong I was. Everyone was friendly to your face but was just in it for themselves. I thought they were my friends but things got back to me that they had been saying behind my back. I was so disappointed in them that I was inconsolable. How can someone be so two-faced? The worst was yet to come.
As I caught up on my experience, I was a threat to the position of the other two guys. Exactly around that time, I was called into the manager's office where I was accused of having a gambling problem - I did not. A couple of weeks later the manager asks me whether I thought I would pass a drug test. Of course, I would. Then it was a drinking problem - nope. Somebody was spreading rumors.
Eventually, I realized that you can't trust anybody and it's not paranoia if they really are all out to get you.
It was one of my hardest realizations how awful people really are!!! Even over the littlest thing!
I was in a similar situation in the Italian-American literary community. I thought everyone was so kind, especially when someone more advanced in her career was helping me out. Then I was told by someone that, if a successful person helped you out, you were expected to help her out as soon as you were able. And all those people who were so nice to me spread nasty rumors about me behind my back. Now they say that I don't know how to get along with people, as if lying, cheating, stealing and gossiping are how you should get along with people. I think they're just jealous because I achieved all I wanted in literature without sucking up.
Some people are born a$$holes and other people practice. They practiced a lot
I used to take everyone at face value, including myself. Learned some hard lessons there. Even worse when you have addicts and sociopaths as "friends".
I have been set up to fail a couple of times because insecure people got threatened. Turns out it was a blessing in disguise, first to be fired from a job at 18 for stealing cancelled checks; I asked them WHY would I steal CANCELLED checks WHEN YOU PAY ME? Idiocy. Second time recently I quit when I got written up for making a suggestion for health and safety! No point working around a place with a fixed mindset, around insecure idiots, and written up for something completely unreal. Noped out, slight regret, since the work itself was very beneficial to the community, but oh well, life.
When Russians, sorry Russian soldiers in unofficial disguise, invaded Ukraine's Crimea. Peaceful post-WW2 era and my youth ended right then even though I'm not Ukrainian myself...
sorry to say but actually most of the middle east has been a warzone for the last 60 years or more... since ww2 onwards and even before. Largely due to western adventurism. So actually, there's never been a peaceful post-ww2 era. Maybe just in your country.
"Largely due to western adventurism. "? Uh, no. Largely due to their own tribalism.
Load More Replies...The Crimea situation was lost on my, I have to admit. But seeing Russia invade Ukraine in the beginning of the 22nd century was mindblowing to me. I actually thought we, as a modern society, have stopped being bullies and would handle our differences legally.
Wow, there are currently 27 armed conflicts going on all over the world.
Load More Replies...Here's the url; not sure if it's "legal" to post it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tIdCsMufIY
"Be prepared to fail" - like things don't always work out perfectly. Some things just fail and that's normal. My perfectionist a** just took a new perspective.
"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life." Jean-Luc Picard.
The USMC and Iraq, I don’t recommend either.
Thank you for your service and I am sorry for what you experienced. I hope somewhere in all of that you found happiness. I have a father who served in Vietnam for 4 years. Green Beret. Much love and respect to you.
Compassion yes, respect no. There is no honor in occupying other, much poorer countries.
Load More Replies...Thanks for your service. Husband Navy 6 years. FIL Navy seal, 3 tours Vietnam, pow 3 years. Sister & BIL Air Force, brother usmc
My husband was in Afghanistan and to this day said that he did what he had to do, but was it really worth it to destroy his body and his mind for a government that doesn't really care. And I agree with him when he wakes up at night in sweats imagining he's back in the desert.
Rob O’Neil, the SEAL who shot Bin Laden, realized that we’re only killing each other because the narcissists at the top are having us do so. The military is an eye opening experience not in a good way but valuable none the less for the insights in to the awfulness of people who are given a little bit of power.
Load More Replies...Soldiers go into warlike situations with the idea that they are right and they will not get hurt or even die, they think they're heroes. Soldiers on the other front think the same, are so alike the first soldiers, but they at least are defending their country. Soldiers die and get hurt on both sides, and no one wins, except politicians, officers and the war industry. If all soldiers lay down their weapons and refuse to fight the world wins.
I often go to church and pray (I’m Catholic) and ask God questions about life.
Once I asked Him, "If you are God, and you are almighty, and you let us deliberately struggle in life, and with all those problems we got, doesn’t it make you mean?" And I heard a voice, like coming directly from my heart, "Like a parent watches his kid learning how to walk, and even if it fails and tries again over and over," and "The real purpose is to never give up the process, and watching all of you doing so fills Me with immense love" (I don’t know how to express it accurately in English… it was very intense).
First of all, that kind of an answer would have never come out from my then actual state of mind (I was in a bad divorce from a narcissistic manipulative person) so that was definitely not me; and secondly, it totally opened my eyes: from that point on I just try very, very hard at everything without being obsessed with the outcome. It made me become a lot more positive and generous person, and professionally I even got multiple promotions since. Just wanted to share.
I've heard the voice too. Just as you described. Once in the yard while gardening and once during a tornado.
Or utilize his herbivores creations to serve as food to carnivorous and die with unspeakable pain and utmost fear. He must be a sadist.
Load More Replies...What if god was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? 🎶 I’m agnostic but I find this post very interesting and gives me something to think about, thanks!
There is an important difference. Parents die. They have to prepare their children to live in a world without them. Sometimes, they don't help to teach them what to do when they won't be ABLE to help. God lacks that. If he's eternal, then there will never be a point where he's unable to help. Here is where the analogy with parentship breaks down. If there is a god, we will NEVER be free from him, even after death.
Also, parents are HUMAN. They're allowed mistakes. A God, who demands prayer and respect and guilt trips you when you make mistakes, should at least be close to perfection.
Load More Replies...I know this is an older post but I’m going to reply anyways… letting someone struggle in life and not interfering is one thing but when one of God’s children has an lifelong illness and struggles it’s not really a level playing field and to do that to someone is arseholery to the hilt.
Thank you for the overestimating
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You know, life's not fair. Although I miss the mark on some days. Some days I get it right. After hearing Bobby Mcferrin's song "Don't worry be happy ", I realized it's all a state of mind and it changed the way I think about what it takes for me to be happy.
I honestly didn't know it was possible for someone to actually choose to be happy. Good for you.
Usually what I go with is the idea that happiness is an emotion, joy is a choice. You can’t choose “oh, I’m not going to be sad when blah blah blah happens”, emotions are instincts and you can’t stop yourself from feeling them. Joy is a state of mind, though. You can be sad and still look at the world with joy. You just have to choose to see the bright side of things instead of letting life weigh you down.
Load More Replies...Foundation of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Some people need some support to restructure their thinking. So glad you were able to make that work for you.
Happiness CAN be a choice, and sometimes that choice is hard. I try to be upbeat & all to often let the moods of those around me influence my attitude. But I keep trying, especially when things are hard.
Everyone can be happy because of circumstances. The trick is to decide to be happy in spite of circumstances. No, it's not always easy.
When I hit 50 and realized I had no idea what was going on socially or globally anymore. Life went into hyper-speed after I graduated from college but I wasn't paying attention to the changes going on unless they directly concerned me. Once I hit 50 I found myself standing around with a "who farted" look on my face way too often. I realized I needed to start listening to people younger than me and try to understand life from their point of view and not mine. I also realized I needed to move out of my middle age comfort zone and take a good look at what was going on in the world and how I would respond. Not easy and I'm still working on it.
I am often the "translator" between my kids and my parents as they try to understand each other. But at least they're trying
I've recently been actively listening to and trying to learn from people who are younger than me who are in my social circle. Often when they approach me with a problem or situation and ask for my perspective or just say outright "I don't know what to do, what do you think?" As we begin to talk I find that I'm the one who gets the better perspective. I'm only in my 40's but life is so very different today than it was during my "young and reckless" years and being able to see and hear how much the world and society has changed is important, insightful and necessary. We need to keep cross generational conversations going, no matter our age. There is always something new to learn x
The day I walked into the rooms of recovery
Just before my sophomore year in high school, my newly acquired friend came out to me. I had been told by others that he was gay, but since it was still his story to tell, I ignored them. The time I spent with him over the next couple of years before he left for college opened my eyes to a lot of things - intellectually, socially, culturally - and he never put limits on what he thought I could accomplish or expected me to be someone I was not. He changed the lens of how I looked at life and myself, which prevented me from just living the narrow-minded, sheltered existence that I was raised to follow. Now 40 years later we are reconnecting from hundreds of miles apart, and he is helping me to reclaim a view of myself that I thought I had lost. And it all started with an awkward conversation in my room long ago.
The day that I got in a really scary car accident. I was hit on the driver's side of my vehicle while trying to make a U- turn. I ended up in a ditch with glass everywhere and the only visible injury I had was being cut with broken glass. The fire department had to cut the door off of the vehicle in order for me to get out. A lot of people showed up to help in the situation and they were very concerned. This made realize that there are still some good people in the world. The accident also helped me realize how precious life truly is.
Sir Write A Lot, I was paying attention. I was doing a U turn and the person behind me somehow slammed into me and caused me to crash into a ditch. She was not injured at all and was able to get out of her vehicle. We were on a two lane, so it is very strange that she hit my car in the first place. Instead of trying to start arguments, why not try to ask questions. I always think about other people's lives. I even stop for animals in the road. So thank you for being inappropriate.
Hubby and I were driving down a side street when a huge branch fell in front of us, hitting the hood and damaging the wheel well and undercarriage. Branch was about 9 inches around and over 8 feet long. So many people stopped to check on us, some insisted on staying, others brought us food & water (we're diabetic). These were strangers to us. Good people are out there
I had a similar experience when I miraculously survived a terrible car accident after nodding out at the wheel while driving 80 on the freeway. Crashed into a tree and obliterated the entire passenger side of my car but somehow survived mostly unscathed. So many people stopped to help. Life can be “nasty, brutish and short” but people often do show up to help.
The birth of my son, when I held him in my arms…literally 3milliseconds changed it all: purpose, meaning, priorities…
When I got diagnosed with autism.
It's been a blessing for me. Got my diagnosis a couple days after my 50th. Explains SO MUCH, and has helped me forgive myself and start to actually LIKE myself, which is f'in HUGE.
Eight years ago, I was sitting in a Bible class at my church (I was 54 then), and the (creationist) teacher said "90% of the scientific evidence proves the earth is young" (6,000-10,000 years old), not 4.6 billion years old. I thought to myself, "If that's true, why does nearly every scientist I ever heard of say it's old? Surely they're not all dupes of Satan!" So I started researching, and quickly discovered that creationist "evidence" of a young earth was bullc**p, and mainstream science overwhelmingly supports an old earth (and universe). Plus, plenty of Christians accept mainstream science. So that day was the beginning of the end of my blindly accepting whatever my church told me, and the start of trying to use my brain as well as my Bible. A fellow church member (an actual astrophysicist) later told me the universe was only 6,000 years old because that's what the Bible says (according to him). When I mentioned evidence for the Big Bang, light taking billions of years to travel throught space, etc., he just said maybe God created the universe to LOOK old. When I asked him why would God do that, he basically said it's a mystery. Nice guy, but I can't accept a nonsense "explanation" like that.
You can still be Christian and not always believe what the Bible tells you. None of actually met God and there for have no idea what he had to say or do. I believe in being a good human to others and the rest will follow.
I'm a Christian and im gay and thank you for this comment :') (even though im nine months late lmao)
Load More Replies...You can believe in both the Bible and the Big Bang theory. It says so in the Bible. In the beginning God said, Let There Be Light”, and then BANG, there was light.
Btw, there’s no real reason why everyone says the Bible teaches a 6000 year old earth. It was literally one guy who tracked back genealogies and came up with a ridiculously precise number (down to the minute) for creation, and then everyone believed him. If you’re at all interested, look up the book “A Matter of Days” by I think Hugh Ross, it’s a great explanation of how the Biblical account actually fits better with the old earth idea than the 6000 year estimate.
I used to work with a brilliant PhD physicist who somehow believed the "young earth" stuff. To this day I don't know how he reconciled it in his mind with the science. What exactly is God going to do to you if you think dinosaurs were real?
When I asked my mother how I could improve my drawing. She should have said she was busy just then, but instead, she said it was fine. I never asked her another question.
That's sad. I hope you kept on with your drawing - her disinterest has no bearing on your abilities. Parents do scar us all too easily. Reminds me of This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin. Larkin-61d...4-jpeg.jpg
I really like that poem. I hope it is meaningful for lots of others too.
Load More Replies...She was a pro photographer, and I was asking about composition, which is common to both disciplines.
Load More Replies...So many. When I fought with someone I knew from another racial group and they pointed out to me, in anger, that I was coming across as racist. Huge reality slap. When my first girlfriend left me and I realised I had made a mistake and that I was a disrespectful POS. When my first child was born and I realised that I'd never love anyone more than that. When my dad passed away and I realised how powerless I was against the universe and that a person can be gone when their body is still alive. When I got divorced and realised what I wanted most was freedom. Life is tough.
In short, I used to think I was somehow special and could do/say whatever I wanted. I realised I was crap and that actually, the most important thing is to be kind to everyone, and help as many people as you can. That's what I learnt. I now dedicate my time to helping others and trying to pay back my debt from the time when I was an a$$hole.
ZAPanda, your posts and comments are so honest. Bless you for realizing and accepting your faults and doing something about them. Don't forget: If you recognize faults and act upon them then it's a good thing but do it without guilt! X
Load More Replies...Life is full of lessons to be learned, but some folks aren't paying attention. Sounds like you are. That's something I admire and hope I can yet do, too.
Was looking at an ad for a very very cheap but horrible and run-down appartment. And was later wondering, who buys such horrible appartments. And realised, it could bring much better return on investment as the nice appartments I was looking at previously. So the at the next opportunity, I was the only one bidding, got it and turned it into a gem. Two gems, actually, one is already sold and the other one is waiting for the final touches.
I was just a kid when I realized my parents were getting a divorce. Took me a wile to get over it, but I was still homesick( both of my parents moved)
I'm in my mid fifties. I've seen and done a whole bunch of sh*t (military, global travel, journalism, etc), but the only event that changed the way I see EVERYTHING was reading my wife's first draft of her debut novel about a couple of years ago. It's a thriller, but it's based on facts. She showed me her research notes, and the statistics literally left me speechless. The theme of the book concerns the biggest threat to the survival of our species and our planet, and it's not global warning - it's overpopulation. The human race is expanding exponentially. I cannot overstate how worried I am for us all. The book is called 10:59 by N R Baker and it's available online. Check out reviews - hundreds of other people seem to agree with my thoughts about it. Truly a novel that could change your world view.
I read another novel once (actually at least three times) that’s based on the idea that overpopulation is the biggest danger to humanity, it’s called Eva by Peter Dickinson. The story isn’t exactly about the dangers of overpopulation, but more of how far medicine can go ethically. But because of the super advanced medical techniques, hardly anyone was dying, so the world became way overpopulated. It’s really a fascinating read, and does a great job of showing what the future could be if the world continues on its current trajectory.
Accidently put an end to a frog. No more ending lives.
If it was an accident don't be too hard on yourself. If it was on purpose never do it again
When will the world end. When will you pass away. These sort of questions keep me up at night. The answer is I don’t know, but don’t treat your life as if something or someone is going to kill you every second in your life. What I’ll say is treat your day like it’s your last meaning have fun, you’ll never know when you’ll be able to do it again.
I just need to find out *where* I will die so I can make sure to never go there.
Treat every day like it's your last. Lie in bed, smacked off your tits on morphine. - Jeremy Hardy
When my Aunt used my Mother to her benefit and didn't even looked back when we were in need or bothered to pay my mom back. Never fully trust people even if they're your family or friend
I have been working as Accountant in small companies. When I met with some accountant of large companies then I came to know that I am a better accountant as I have full control of all accounting aspects from start to end. That accountant can't do any thing other then assigned to them by their seniors. That's Then I added "Account Manager" confidently in my resume.
I first became suspicious around age two, when I hat to respect my older sister's feelings, but she didn't have to recognize mine. I worked for better gender equality for decades, but decided that it was impossible, and we should seek parity instead when Canada refused to include males in the study on missing and took out indigenous people, even though they are the clear majority of cases.
Incels be like "It's SOOOO difficult being a man in this patriarchal society!"
Positive discrimination can SOMETIMES be a good thing. But when that pendulum swings too far, it's important to correct it. We would not want to have a "fairer society" for one group at the expense of another. Ignoring a little boy's needs because there are still too many male CEOs is unfair.
Load More Replies...When I was 8, I had just learned my LGBTQ’s. I was a misinformed child with no knowledge such a community existed. I immediately realized i was part of it (i first thought i was a lesbian, but I now identify as pan openly). I apologize to anyone in my community I insulted when I was 8
At age 8?! How did you find this out? Are you sure you don't mean 18?
People learn things at different life stages depending on how well they can process the information.
Load More Replies...My parents never told me about this either. I found out when I was 9 through my friend, and I gradually learned more about it. So if my friend is on BP and sees this, she'll probably know its me. SPORKS!
The moment I realized I will never be happy if I keep blaming everyone else for the s**t I did wrong and that I indeed can be a better person today even if I wasn't always my best self in the past.
The day I realised that my ex-husband asking for a divorce was the best the thing could have happened. I'd suffered from chronic depression and anxiety for 12 years, increasing meds and treatment without success. Turns out all I needed was to be without him.
The day I saw the video of George Floyd crying for his mom while being murdered by the police. It changed the way I saw the world and people as a whole. I used to not be too involved in activism(unless it was woman's rights) now I see everyone needs help no matter how small my contribution is. I realized one person can really make a difference and start a movement. I no longer hold my tongue and I've learned NO is a full sentence.
The raw video of that was the last thing I posted on Facebook before deleting my account. I didn't even bother to look at any replies.
Load More Replies...Try being gay and being called a F g ot by someone that isn't. Ya, names won't make be back down but they hurt none the less.
When my daughter, crying, told me I didn't spend as much time with her as I used to. She said "It's like you don't look at me anymore." It was EXACTLY how my mother made me feel when I stopped being a cute kid and started being an awkward pre-pubescent. My daughter is 10 and I hug her, and look at her beautiful face, and tell her I love her every day. And so much more.
When a scientist that I was dating told me about the oxytocin hormone and how its responsible for our feelings of love. This changed my perspective and helped me not get so attached to those feelings when they come up. Instead of love = magic, love = biology. I stopped looking for 'the one' and became more aware of healthy vs unhealthy qualities in my relationships.
Just because it has an explanation doesn't mean it's any less real or profound.
Load More Replies...Uvalde. I used to have respect for the police putting their " lives on the line " and I used to be pretty much skeptical when it came to their interaction with black people. "They risk their lives to protect us " I used to say. Turns out the police won't do anything for you if their lives are at stake. And, by law, they are not required to do so. You are on your own. And if you don't believe it look it up. I have no words to describe my feelings about Uvalde. What happened there is beyond shame and beyond redemption. The saddest part is nothing has changed. Nothing changed after Sandy , and nothing changed after Uvalde. "A gun in the right hands can stop all of that from happening "? The Uvalde police were heavily armed, had plenty of time to stop it, heard the kids screaming and did NOTHING. So, there goes that argument. I have ZERO respect for the police. The cutsie articles of the police embracing an orphan or helping an animal are idiotic . All I see is a closed knit fraternity composed of bullies and cowards. Black people have been right all along: F the police.
i have struggled with my weight a lot i started working out and exercising and i lost a lot of weight 26kg but then i fell off the wagon stopped working out as much and started eating unhealthy again gained some weight but lost some again then came the dreaded lockdown and over the course of 2 years i gained back all the weight i lost and more i couldnt stand for long periods of time without my back hurting i didnt like the way i looked my bestie said i should go to the doctor to make sure im ok as she could see i was struggling alot even with just walking and was out of breath very easy. the moment that made me change was when they told me i had very high blood pressure then i thought i could die especially as im near 40 so since then i started eating healthy working out 4 days a week i lost a lot of weight i am still on that journey but my thinking about things has changed big time
You're doing great. Just never stop trying. The only time we fail is when we give up.
Load More Replies...The day my father died and I became the oldest person in my family. There was no one to ask about my childhood or my grandparents or what world war 2 was really like. I got older and lonelier.
Ww2 sucked. 70s alot of drugs and also alot of loving parents. Sames for all issues to now. Alot of drugs and family issues. I pray you found it in your heart to find someone worth settling for. It not. You didn't miss out on much. We are all still boring. Plotics suck ass. And mostly we joke the we have hope the world will die off before we do.
Load More Replies...Back in the early 70's both me and my sister laughed at a disabled kid on crutches walking funny. My dad stopped us on the spot and said "Don't you dare laugh at disabled people. Just because they might not be able to do things like you do or look different does not mean they are not as clever as you or deserve less respect. But they do need our help." I will never forget that moment. In the 70's my dad was the most accepting person I ever knew no matter your race, ability or sexual gender.
The moment I realized I will never be happy if I keep blaming everyone else for the s**t I did wrong and that I indeed can be a better person today even if I wasn't always my best self in the past.
The day I realised that my ex-husband asking for a divorce was the best the thing could have happened. I'd suffered from chronic depression and anxiety for 12 years, increasing meds and treatment without success. Turns out all I needed was to be without him.
The day I saw the video of George Floyd crying for his mom while being murdered by the police. It changed the way I saw the world and people as a whole. I used to not be too involved in activism(unless it was woman's rights) now I see everyone needs help no matter how small my contribution is. I realized one person can really make a difference and start a movement. I no longer hold my tongue and I've learned NO is a full sentence.
The raw video of that was the last thing I posted on Facebook before deleting my account. I didn't even bother to look at any replies.
Load More Replies...Try being gay and being called a F g ot by someone that isn't. Ya, names won't make be back down but they hurt none the less.
When my daughter, crying, told me I didn't spend as much time with her as I used to. She said "It's like you don't look at me anymore." It was EXACTLY how my mother made me feel when I stopped being a cute kid and started being an awkward pre-pubescent. My daughter is 10 and I hug her, and look at her beautiful face, and tell her I love her every day. And so much more.
When a scientist that I was dating told me about the oxytocin hormone and how its responsible for our feelings of love. This changed my perspective and helped me not get so attached to those feelings when they come up. Instead of love = magic, love = biology. I stopped looking for 'the one' and became more aware of healthy vs unhealthy qualities in my relationships.
Just because it has an explanation doesn't mean it's any less real or profound.
Load More Replies...Uvalde. I used to have respect for the police putting their " lives on the line " and I used to be pretty much skeptical when it came to their interaction with black people. "They risk their lives to protect us " I used to say. Turns out the police won't do anything for you if their lives are at stake. And, by law, they are not required to do so. You are on your own. And if you don't believe it look it up. I have no words to describe my feelings about Uvalde. What happened there is beyond shame and beyond redemption. The saddest part is nothing has changed. Nothing changed after Sandy , and nothing changed after Uvalde. "A gun in the right hands can stop all of that from happening "? The Uvalde police were heavily armed, had plenty of time to stop it, heard the kids screaming and did NOTHING. So, there goes that argument. I have ZERO respect for the police. The cutsie articles of the police embracing an orphan or helping an animal are idiotic . All I see is a closed knit fraternity composed of bullies and cowards. Black people have been right all along: F the police.
i have struggled with my weight a lot i started working out and exercising and i lost a lot of weight 26kg but then i fell off the wagon stopped working out as much and started eating unhealthy again gained some weight but lost some again then came the dreaded lockdown and over the course of 2 years i gained back all the weight i lost and more i couldnt stand for long periods of time without my back hurting i didnt like the way i looked my bestie said i should go to the doctor to make sure im ok as she could see i was struggling alot even with just walking and was out of breath very easy. the moment that made me change was when they told me i had very high blood pressure then i thought i could die especially as im near 40 so since then i started eating healthy working out 4 days a week i lost a lot of weight i am still on that journey but my thinking about things has changed big time
You're doing great. Just never stop trying. The only time we fail is when we give up.
Load More Replies...The day my father died and I became the oldest person in my family. There was no one to ask about my childhood or my grandparents or what world war 2 was really like. I got older and lonelier.
Ww2 sucked. 70s alot of drugs and also alot of loving parents. Sames for all issues to now. Alot of drugs and family issues. I pray you found it in your heart to find someone worth settling for. It not. You didn't miss out on much. We are all still boring. Plotics suck ass. And mostly we joke the we have hope the world will die off before we do.
Load More Replies...Back in the early 70's both me and my sister laughed at a disabled kid on crutches walking funny. My dad stopped us on the spot and said "Don't you dare laugh at disabled people. Just because they might not be able to do things like you do or look different does not mean they are not as clever as you or deserve less respect. But they do need our help." I will never forget that moment. In the 70's my dad was the most accepting person I ever knew no matter your race, ability or sexual gender.
