Guy Asks If He Was A Jerk For ‘Silencing’ His GF, The Internet Gives Him A Reality Check About Her
I’ll go on a limb and say that most of us probably wouldn’t like to be teaching someone we’re dating manners. But life is full of surprises, and a now-deleted Reddit user got into a situation he probably couldn’t even imagine before.
He recently asked the ‘Am I The [Jerk]?’ subreddit for their opinions about whether or not he was wrong to “silence” his girlfriend who mocked a cancer patient for her appearance. Sadly, it’s as bad as it sounds, and even though the guy may have made the post to see if their relationship is worth saving, people thought it’s not.
This guy didn’t like his girlfriend making mean comments about people’s appearances
Image credits: titovailona (not the actual photo)
And her making fun of a cancer patient was the last straw
Image credits: Anna Shvets (not the actual photo)
Image source: [deleted]
Of course, it’s hard to say why the woman acted in such a despicable manner when we don’t know her. But according to Nigel Barber, Ph.D., who taught psychology at Bemidji State University and Birmingham Southern College, it often comes from personal self-doubt.
“In a verbal society, such as the human one, physical aggression is less often used to settle issues of status: these are mostly deferred to verbal interactions,” Barber wrote. “An insult can thus be interpreted as an attempt to reduce the social status of the recipient and raise the relative status of the insulter.”
“If that logic is correct, we can assume that insults are often motivated by anger surrounding issues of status insecurity,” he added.
We now live in an era of extreme concern about how we are perceived by others; social psychologists have been charting a steady increase in narcissism among college students. There is little consensus about why this is happening, but some experts believe that the more children are measured on evaluative scales—aptitude tests, IQ scores, and GPA—the more sensitive they are to threats to their social rank.
But this narcissism trend is accentuated by other factors as well. For example, social media where people are subject to unrelenting evaluation by others who encourage them to inflate their egos, often at the expense of others.
“Concern with how one is perceived creates social insecurity that may be relieved by lashing out at other … people,” Barber continued.
And this is not the way to go. “Effective communities maintain solidarity by keeping direct insults to a minimum. Hence the elaborate traditions of politeness and respect found in real-world communities of the past; people behaved that way to avoid unnecessary anger, disputes, and violence.”
After the story went viral, the original poster (OP) gave more information in the comments
This story illustrates just how difficult modern dating can be
Image credits: bernardbodo (not the actual photo)
Setting two people up can be a tricky business even if it comes from good intentions. After all, not everyone’s matchmaking skills are the same as Cupid’s.
But whether you’ve met someone online or have been introduced to at a friend’s party, the truth of the matter is that nowadays romantic relationships are tricky business.
Among those who are on the dating market – the 15% of American adults who are single and looking for a committed relationship or casual dates – most say they are dissatisfied with their dating lives and that it has been difficult to find people to date, according to a Pew Research Center survey from 2019.
Daters who had difficulty finding people to date in the past year were also asked about some of the possible reasons that might be the case.
Among these daters, the most common explanations include the challenge of finding someone who is looking for the same type of relationship (53% say this is a major reason), difficulty in approaching people (46%) and trouble finding someone who meets their expectations (43%).
Sadly, for the author of the post, their now-ex girlfriend failed them as well.
And the majority of people unanimously said he did nothing wrong
Some, however, pointed out that he should’ve done something when he noticed her red flags
My (28M) girlfriend (45F) is an assassin. She kills people for money. Recently she beheaded my little cousin. I'm thinking about maybe leaving her. I'm so confused ... AITA??? I need help from strangers on the internet .... what should I dooooo?
YTA, you obviously can’t deal with female professionals making more money than you, she should divorce you right away, you giant red flag!
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A man defending a female cancer survivor from the cruel and nasty comments of another female is not how misogyny works, it might be how being a decent human being works , hope he kicked her to the curb. That being said if he argued to her that she was a batch and not a lady for his comments, he did, unfortunately walk right into her crapfest.
Agreed. Her claiming he is being "misogynistic" for "silencing her" after her mean-spirited, nasty comments is no different to a man making a really sexist (or abusive) comment and then claiming it's a "joke" and "don't you have a sense of humour?"
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As a cancer survivor, I find her behavior HIGHLY offensive! You think we want to look like that!?! You think we don't hate how much we've changed, to be point we don't recognize ourselves? Yet she thinks her comments are funny, not hurtful. And if you are still with her, shame on you!
Oh Lord you survived cancer? I see your comments a lot on here and think you be quite funny..I'm really glad you survived and hope you are okay xx
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She is making me sick and is dysfunctional...
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When a person shows you who they are, believe them. She's shown you--she's a vicious narcissist. She gets her kicks out of demeaning others. (Mocking a cancer survivor?!) If there is a strand of humanity in your soul, dump that pathetic imitation of a human being. Block her, and avoid her and her family like the plague. Continuing to associate with someone like her will wreck every relationship you have with family and friends. She's not worth it.
You hit the nail on the head: vicious narcissist. This isn’t a flippant cynic hiding esteem issues behind a crappy sense of humor. This isn’t a strong, powerful “open book” who speaks their mind or truths. Mocking peoples appearance isn’t humor and it isn’t a freewheeling type of fun. It’s pathological. As in, malignant narcissism or straight up sociopathic.
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Who in the world makes fun of a cancer patient? You should be ashamed of yourself if you stay with this monster.
Of course. OP was the misogynist for standing up for A WOMAN THAT SHE WAS BODY SHAMING. Here's the thing about the misogynist label. If you abuse it, and weaponize it to try to discredit others for calling you on your s****y behavior, you aren't just insulting that man, you are also dragging down women, and inflating the meaning of a word that is normally used to describe for other women, real people, who face real pain. That girl is toxic trash and OP should dump her a*s faster than a bag of radioactive waste.
Yeah this is the perfect example of toxic femiminity. As a lady I've seen it irl far too much. Makes me angry and sick to my stomach.
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YTA for bringing her around your family when you clearly expected her to be mean about people's appearance. This is one of those, "If they're nice to you, but mean to people around you, they are not a nice person, they just want something from you." situations.
OP had subjected himself to 60 days of her meanness before taking around his family. He knew what she was about.... He's a simpleton.
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My god, can't I insult cancer patients in peace? Just the other day I watched one of those St. Jude commercials. I made some hilarious comments about that little girl being bald, and the silence made me think the people with me had no sense of humor. I sulked all the way home until I saw the old lady next door being wheeled out to an ambulance. I made a joke about how an apartment would be opening up soon, it was met with silence. I said I needed to get some new, less uptight friends, and they agreed.
I hope this is sarcasm. Otherwise, I'll send John Wick to deal with you.
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Bragging about being a mean girl? That’s a red flag, banner even. Hopefully he dumps her.
I see people saying it is ingrained in her and her parents are that way. Doesn't mean she has to be. Do her a favor and tell her that her comments are off-putting and insensitive, joke or not, but that she doesn't have to be that way. A little therapy or just a good push towards some self reflection that her family hasn't provided might make a difference in her life. You don't have to stay with her, but the human thing to do would be to explain to her why, and in a way that might make a difference in her life.
I doubt she'd go for help - she'd probably see anyone in the helping professions as "controlling" and "misogynistic". That said, worth a shot to tell someone toxic why one's breaking up with them.
Load More Replies... This is as “YTA” as it comes. I don’t care how much he wants companionship or has the urge to get his dîck wet. She’s an abusive narcissist at best, most likely a sociopath to some degree. That he tolerates being with someone who can be so cruel and wrong speaks volumes about him. He knows her behaviour. He knows she’s going to say inappropriate bs. That he apologizes profusely afterwards doesn’t excuse that he puts others in the firing line in the first place. Fück Nancy, but especially FÜCK this dude.
Good grief. What he is really saying is "the sex is good, do I HAVE to leave her? Or can we keep skating by I life like this?"
That's what I thought. She really pretty and/or the sex is amazing. Mate - dump her.
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OP one day your gf is gonna open her mouth to the wrong person and end up in hospital. Why are you with her and your sh!tty friend?
at this point, I think people just post to r/AITA to tell stories they want to tell, not to actually ask if they're an a*****e. This is the easiest one yet, it's not close, and OP knows it.
YTA. He knew what she was, and only when she insulted someone he cares about, did he finally give her rotten a*s the boot. He stood around for two months and said nothing. Plus she told him she was a "bit of a mean girl". Dude Stevie Wonder could see she's not a nice nor good person.
Thank you Rosie Cat for stating the real deal. Stevie, Ray and José could see who this chick is. Needs to also get shed of the friend who introduced him to her. April Fool's Day, indeed. ;|
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Omg, that’s awful!! Honestly, reading this left a bad taste in my mouth, because only a complete bunghole would “make jokes” about someone who is/was suffering from cancer. You definitely don’t need such a toxic person in your life. 🫢🙅♀️
You’re “spoiling her fun”? You should have dumped her then. She’s TA but YTA if you stay.
Geez my bf mocks people but not that bad. He'll refer to people he doesn't know by their most noticeable feature and to me only. Not even family or friends just me only. Hey did you see hungry bum today (always looks like he has a wedgie) or big boobs has been loud today (great woman tbh) dog lady has lots of dogs Huskey drunk (owns Huskey drinks alot nice man though) ... Nothing much worse and only because we know who he means around the apartment. Names you give familiar strangers. Sometimes not so nice when they're not liked like crackwh.ore. because she literally is one or minion because she fallows the landlady around like a dog. But mocking someone dieing like that is beyond any normal realm of human decency.
Taking pleasure from causing pain is sadism. She needs intensive therapy. She sounds narcissistic and possibly sociopathic.
This woman must be hot AF or super freaky in bed for this guy to have dated for that long, put up with her petty bullying and narcissistic comments, met her narcissistic parents and STILL brought her childish mean a*s around his family.
When people show you who they really are, believe them. Seriously dude, time to move on from her and realize you deserve a better partner than someone who insults others for “fun.”
She has a real problem, and is just plain mean. Don't think it'll get better, at some point she'll aim her venom at you.
It would be misogynistic to let her get away with this c**p just bc she's female.
The fact that this is being posted realistically as a quandary... a... difficulty-in-deciding about this person is a red flag and reflection that maybe this big trending/viral wave of "Be extra understanding to everyone, no matter what they've done" is a load of c**p? Excusing or trying to "find her side of things" and "playing devil's advocate to be fair" with this kind of behaviour is simply enabling and encouraging it. I've never thought being a 'mean girl' was an attractive/enviable/desirable thing. Why does everyone else? What, it's okay as long as they're not mean to you or your family? If that's what it is.. then yeah, maybe you ARE TA.
Someday, someone Nancy loves dearly will go through cancer treatment, and she will realise how awful she was in this instance, which will hopefully help her to realise how awful a person she is in general. I sincerely hope that this is not what it will take to make her realise that, but cancer is so common that it will have an impact on her life in some form.
My (28M) girlfriend (45F) is an assassin. She kills people for money. Recently she beheaded my little cousin. I'm thinking about maybe leaving her. I'm so confused ... AITA??? I need help from strangers on the internet .... what should I dooooo?
YTA, you obviously can’t deal with female professionals making more money than you, she should divorce you right away, you giant red flag!
Load More Replies... A man defending a female cancer survivor from the cruel and nasty comments of another female is not how misogyny works, it might be how being a decent human being works , hope he kicked her to the curb. That being said if he argued to her that she was a batch and not a lady for his comments, he did, unfortunately walk right into her crapfest.
Agreed. Her claiming he is being "misogynistic" for "silencing her" after her mean-spirited, nasty comments is no different to a man making a really sexist (or abusive) comment and then claiming it's a "joke" and "don't you have a sense of humour?"
Load More Replies... As a cancer survivor, I find her behavior HIGHLY offensive! You think we want to look like that!?! You think we don't hate how much we've changed, to be point we don't recognize ourselves? Yet she thinks her comments are funny, not hurtful. And if you are still with her, shame on you!
Oh Lord you survived cancer? I see your comments a lot on here and think you be quite funny..I'm really glad you survived and hope you are okay xx
Load More Replies... She is making me sick and is dysfunctional...
Load More Replies... When a person shows you who they are, believe them. She's shown you--she's a vicious narcissist. She gets her kicks out of demeaning others. (Mocking a cancer survivor?!) If there is a strand of humanity in your soul, dump that pathetic imitation of a human being. Block her, and avoid her and her family like the plague. Continuing to associate with someone like her will wreck every relationship you have with family and friends. She's not worth it.
You hit the nail on the head: vicious narcissist. This isn’t a flippant cynic hiding esteem issues behind a crappy sense of humor. This isn’t a strong, powerful “open book” who speaks their mind or truths. Mocking peoples appearance isn’t humor and it isn’t a freewheeling type of fun. It’s pathological. As in, malignant narcissism or straight up sociopathic.
Load More Replies... Who in the world makes fun of a cancer patient? You should be ashamed of yourself if you stay with this monster.
Of course. OP was the misogynist for standing up for A WOMAN THAT SHE WAS BODY SHAMING. Here's the thing about the misogynist label. If you abuse it, and weaponize it to try to discredit others for calling you on your s****y behavior, you aren't just insulting that man, you are also dragging down women, and inflating the meaning of a word that is normally used to describe for other women, real people, who face real pain. That girl is toxic trash and OP should dump her a*s faster than a bag of radioactive waste.
Yeah this is the perfect example of toxic femiminity. As a lady I've seen it irl far too much. Makes me angry and sick to my stomach.
Load More Replies... YTA for bringing her around your family when you clearly expected her to be mean about people's appearance. This is one of those, "If they're nice to you, but mean to people around you, they are not a nice person, they just want something from you." situations.
OP had subjected himself to 60 days of her meanness before taking around his family. He knew what she was about.... He's a simpleton.
Load More Replies... My god, can't I insult cancer patients in peace? Just the other day I watched one of those St. Jude commercials. I made some hilarious comments about that little girl being bald, and the silence made me think the people with me had no sense of humor. I sulked all the way home until I saw the old lady next door being wheeled out to an ambulance. I made a joke about how an apartment would be opening up soon, it was met with silence. I said I needed to get some new, less uptight friends, and they agreed.
I hope this is sarcasm. Otherwise, I'll send John Wick to deal with you.
Load More Replies... Bragging about being a mean girl? That’s a red flag, banner even. Hopefully he dumps her.
I see people saying it is ingrained in her and her parents are that way. Doesn't mean she has to be. Do her a favor and tell her that her comments are off-putting and insensitive, joke or not, but that she doesn't have to be that way. A little therapy or just a good push towards some self reflection that her family hasn't provided might make a difference in her life. You don't have to stay with her, but the human thing to do would be to explain to her why, and in a way that might make a difference in her life.
I doubt she'd go for help - she'd probably see anyone in the helping professions as "controlling" and "misogynistic". That said, worth a shot to tell someone toxic why one's breaking up with them.
Load More Replies... This is as “YTA” as it comes. I don’t care how much he wants companionship or has the urge to get his dîck wet. She’s an abusive narcissist at best, most likely a sociopath to some degree. That he tolerates being with someone who can be so cruel and wrong speaks volumes about him. He knows her behaviour. He knows she’s going to say inappropriate bs. That he apologizes profusely afterwards doesn’t excuse that he puts others in the firing line in the first place. Fück Nancy, but especially FÜCK this dude.
Good grief. What he is really saying is "the sex is good, do I HAVE to leave her? Or can we keep skating by I life like this?"
That's what I thought. She really pretty and/or the sex is amazing. Mate - dump her.
Load More Replies... OP one day your gf is gonna open her mouth to the wrong person and end up in hospital. Why are you with her and your sh!tty friend?
at this point, I think people just post to r/AITA to tell stories they want to tell, not to actually ask if they're an a*****e. This is the easiest one yet, it's not close, and OP knows it.
YTA. He knew what she was, and only when she insulted someone he cares about, did he finally give her rotten a*s the boot. He stood around for two months and said nothing. Plus she told him she was a "bit of a mean girl". Dude Stevie Wonder could see she's not a nice nor good person.
Thank you Rosie Cat for stating the real deal. Stevie, Ray and José could see who this chick is. Needs to also get shed of the friend who introduced him to her. April Fool's Day, indeed. ;|
Load More Replies... Omg, that’s awful!! Honestly, reading this left a bad taste in my mouth, because only a complete bunghole would “make jokes” about someone who is/was suffering from cancer. You definitely don’t need such a toxic person in your life. 🫢🙅♀️
You’re “spoiling her fun”? You should have dumped her then. She’s TA but YTA if you stay.
Geez my bf mocks people but not that bad. He'll refer to people he doesn't know by their most noticeable feature and to me only. Not even family or friends just me only. Hey did you see hungry bum today (always looks like he has a wedgie) or big boobs has been loud today (great woman tbh) dog lady has lots of dogs Huskey drunk (owns Huskey drinks alot nice man though) ... Nothing much worse and only because we know who he means around the apartment. Names you give familiar strangers. Sometimes not so nice when they're not liked like crackwh.ore. because she literally is one or minion because she fallows the landlady around like a dog. But mocking someone dieing like that is beyond any normal realm of human decency.
Taking pleasure from causing pain is sadism. She needs intensive therapy. She sounds narcissistic and possibly sociopathic.
This woman must be hot AF or super freaky in bed for this guy to have dated for that long, put up with her petty bullying and narcissistic comments, met her narcissistic parents and STILL brought her childish mean a*s around his family.
When people show you who they really are, believe them. Seriously dude, time to move on from her and realize you deserve a better partner than someone who insults others for “fun.”
She has a real problem, and is just plain mean. Don't think it'll get better, at some point she'll aim her venom at you.
It would be misogynistic to let her get away with this c**p just bc she's female.
The fact that this is being posted realistically as a quandary... a... difficulty-in-deciding about this person is a red flag and reflection that maybe this big trending/viral wave of "Be extra understanding to everyone, no matter what they've done" is a load of c**p? Excusing or trying to "find her side of things" and "playing devil's advocate to be fair" with this kind of behaviour is simply enabling and encouraging it. I've never thought being a 'mean girl' was an attractive/enviable/desirable thing. Why does everyone else? What, it's okay as long as they're not mean to you or your family? If that's what it is.. then yeah, maybe you ARE TA.
Someday, someone Nancy loves dearly will go through cancer treatment, and she will realise how awful she was in this instance, which will hopefully help her to realise how awful a person she is in general. I sincerely hope that this is not what it will take to make her realise that, but cancer is so common that it will have an impact on her life in some form.
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