There’s just something about grandpas that makes them the best. First of all, they’ve seen the good and the bad and managed to pull through. Second, they know some handy facts about stuff you never knew existed. Lastly, no matter their age, they are generally good-hearted and good-humored, if not a tad bit aloof.
However, even with this much wisdom, they sometimes can't figure out modern-day happenings, creating a fertile ground for some hilarious grandpa jokes. Treat these grandad jokes like dad jokes, except a tad bit wiser.
In this collection of grandpa’s funnies, you will surely see grandfathers battling their number one nemesis, social media. Even the most well-rounded paw-paw somehow struggles to get a grasp of it. On the other hand, maybe they don’t want to. Either way, it creates perfect situations for some silly jokes. These funny grandpa jokes also touch on the moments when older people tend to overshare (we don't want to hear about the best fake teeth, Grandpa).
Prepare for silly grandad jokes that make you cringe, shake your head, and laugh. Upvote the jokes that you like best, and tell us some of your grandpa’s jokes. Don’t forget to share this article with your grandfather so that he gets a couple more ideas.
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Grandpa: "Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!"
Boy: "No you go hide. I told her you were dead!"
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.
During a church service, a grandfather leans over to his wife and whispers, “I just let out a fart. It was silent. What should I do now?”
Grandma answers, “You need to change the batteries in your hearing aid.”
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
A guys asks his grandpa how come he still calls his wife "darling" after being married for over 60 years.
The grandpa says: "Shush it, I forgot her name 30 years ago."
Girlfriend: "Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I'm pregnant?"
Me: "Leave that to me."
*later at dinner*
Her dad: *coughs* "I need water."
Me: "Oh no! Grandpa needs water!"
"Grandpa, grandpa! I'm watching a soccer game!"
"Who's playing?"
"Austria-Hungary."
"Against who?"
My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa.
Then my mom hid the urn from me.
My granddad asked me how to print on his computer.
I told him it’s Ctrl-P.
He said he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
My grandpa’s so cheap, when he dies, he’ll probably walk towards the light – and turn it off.
Grandpa Always told me:
"Find a woman who is smart. Find a woman who is great in bed. Find a woman who loves you for who you are. And make sure none of these women ever meet."
Why did the grandchild call grandpa a hipster?
Because grandma told him, hipsters buy clothes from thrift shops, wear glasses that are thick, and look different.
My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open…
Which is probably why his submarine sank.
My grandpa would always tell me that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork.
He says you can't do that nowadays, way too many security cameras.
Why do grandpas always smile?
Because they cannot hear anything that you are saying.
At a kid’s party, the hired clown was late to arrive. When he finally did arrive, he walked up to grandpa and asked, “Where are the kids, sir?”
Grandpa looked him straight in the eye and answered very seriously, “That would be us. We grew up in the time it took for you to arrive.”
Why are grandparents and grandchildren always close to each other?
They both have a common enemy at the homefront who makes a fuss about eating sweets.
How are stars and fake teeth alike according to my grandfather?
My grandfather said, "These two come out only during the night."
My grandpa would always says, “When one door closes, another opens.”
He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.
An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
"Aquarius?... No, no no... Was it gemini?... Naaah..."
Young doctor can't stand it anymore and walks to him:
"Cancer grandpa, you got cancer!"
I asked my dad, "What's it like having the best son in the world ?"
He replied, "I don't know, you'll have to ask Grandpa."
My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers. He said, "This one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I pooped myself."
I raised my eyebrows, "You bet I believe it, I'd have pooped myself too if that happened to me."
"That's not what I mean goddamnit, go fetch me some toilet paper."
Why did grandpa like an 'All-you-can-eat' restaurant more than grandma's cooking?
Because he could decide when he was full at the restaurant.
My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
Dad Jokes vs Grandad Jokes
Dad jokes are known for their light-hearted and cringy nature. Those are often puns or one-liners that never fail to miss the mark. When someone becomes a dad, we presume he immediately starts spouting these jokes. But we’re honestly not sure.
We have noticed that dad jokes are slightly less corny than grandpa jokes because a dad has to graduate from “the school of parenting” to get that title. However, it’s up to you to decide whether we’re right. Are funny grandpa jokes really less cringy than dad jokes?
I was talking to my grandfather when he said, "Your generation relies too much on technology".
I then said, "No grandpa, yours does..."
Then I unplugged his life support.
My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
We still don't know to whom that leg belonged.
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...
Says he has always been able to count on them.
How would grandpa react when you tell him about online classes?
He would say, "Why is your education on the line? How will that work?"
Why didn't anyone know where the grandfather was?
Because he started walking 10 miles every day since his 65-year-old birthday and now he is 95.
My granddad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
He’s now classed as a seasoned veteran.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
A dying grandfather tells his grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."
The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandpa, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With his last breath, Grandpa whispered, "Facebook..."
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"
I'll never forget what my grandpa said to me just before he died...
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
What confirmed the fact that grandpa should retire?
When he stopped lying about his age and switched to boasting about it.
What did grandpa say when everyone told him my father looked like him?
He said, "He's a poor guy, don't worry he'll grow out of it".
What does grandpa say when a waiter asks about the food at the restaurant?
He points at our finished plates and confirms, "They almost didn't like it."
What did the grandpa say when he couldn't understand his grandson's jokes?
He yelled, "Back in my days, at least jokes made sense!"
This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans. I said, “Who is this guy?”
My Grandpa said, “My hip replacement.”
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.
Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive.
Turns out, he just let one R.I.P.
My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese single-handedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
The other day I went to the ATM and this old man asked if I could check his balance, so I pushed him over.
A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport. He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport:
"Good morning, First time in Germany?"
"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before."
"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"
"T-34, I was the gunner."
In America, it's called "Alt Right".
In Germany, it's called "This is Why Grandpa Lives in Argentina".
I remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket...
"Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?"
A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age and the reporter asks, "Do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"
The old man thinks for a second and says, "You know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad".
And the reporter, stunned, stammers, "Y-your dad? Where is he right now??"
And the old man says, "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".
My grandpa knew the Titanic was going to sink. He said it loudly countless times...
Then he got kicked out of the theater.
Grandpa Mike died this weekend. He led a simple life, loved by family and friends while enjoying a long career as a crop duster. In accordance with his final wishes, his cremated remains will be mixed with water and sprayed over the seashore where he spent his final days.
He will be mist.
What did the mother turkey say to her mischievous son?
"If your grandpa saw you now, he would roll over in his gravy!"
Two grandpas were sitting together. One turns to the other and says, “I am in my eighties now, and everything hurts. You are around the same age as me. Do you feel the same?”
The second grandpa answers, “I feel the same as a new-born. No teeth, no hair, and I am pretty sure I just peed in my pants.”
What was the reason for grandpa changing his major?
So that he could switch to Classics from Literature.
Why didn't the grandpa use glasses even when he was an 80-year-old?
Because he likes drinking from the bottle.
Why do you think grandpa says that his wife makes cookies the fastest?
Because she just takes nana-seconds to bake them.
Why did grandma call grandpa spiderman?
Because she said, "That boy finds it difficult to get out of the bathtub".
Why did grandpa have the dog beside him always?
So that he could blame the dog day in and out for all his gas leaks.
What did the lawyer grandfather say to the waiter who wrote the bill at the cash counter?
"Whoever writes it, pays for it."
How did grandpa react when his grandson told him he wanted to go abroad to study?
He said, "You sure got to study lots of boards".
My grandpa always used to say to me, “Fight fire with fire.”
It’s no wonder he got sacked from the fire service.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.
The other day, my professor asked me what I'd name my dog if I got one.
I said, "Well I'd name him Grandpa". That way, when people asked how my day was, I can say things like:
"Oh man, I forgot to feed Grandpa today."
"I feel bad for leaving Grandpa outside last night."
"Grandpa pooped in the living room again."
"I had to put grandpa down today."
"Grandpa ran away again."
And people who don't know me, won't know what I'm talking about.
What do you say when a grandpa, his son, and his grandson all hear a joke, laugh a lot, and wet their pants?
It runs in their ‘jeans’.
Why do you think grandpa says that he was made upside down?
Because his feet smell and his nose is always running.
Why did grandpa like to wear glasses while collecting take out for dinner?
He goes to pick up the dinner with a contact-less drive-through.
What did grandpa say after reading 'Karaoke Tonight' at a restaurant?
He just asked what sort of fish that was.
Why didn't grandpa like the new walking shoes?
Because he unwrapped them and kept looking but they didn't walk on their own so he thought they were broken.
Why did grandpa yell 'gallons, liters, pints' the day after the Christmas party?
Because he likes to speak in volumes.
An old man was sitting next to a kid and he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack... So the man asked the kid, "Do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate?"
The kid answered, "My grandpa died at 100 years old."
Old man asked again, "And you think it's because he ate chocolate?"
"No, it's because he minded his own business."
What is the best thing about being 100 years old according to grandpa?
Grandpa said, one get's to live without peer pressure.
Why did grandpa spend only one hour with the grandchildren?
Because one hour with them and he felt like a young fellow, more than that he said he feels drastically old.
Which Grandpa Joke Is Your Favorite?
As you probably noticed in this list, there were many instances where grandpas didn’t manage technology very well. You’ve probably been the victim of hilarious texts from grandparents, too. What would we do without these oldies to make us laugh? Honestly, probably wouldn’t exist.
Anyhow, remind them that you care and appreciate your grandfolks by sharing this article with them. Also, don’t forget to upvote the funniest grandpa jokes that made you chuckle. And if you are interested in even more similar content, we invite you to check out our posts featuring grandma and grandparent jokes!
