Woman Promises Not To Order Spaghetti, Proceeds To Break Her Promise And BF Leaves Restaurant
Eating is as universal as breathing to pretty much everyone on this planet. It should be second nature at this point—and it is to some degree. But the degree to which it ought to be apparently depends on people’s whims.
Sure, animals and kids leave a mess because they can’t help it, but what do you do when your significant other—a grown woman—keeps going at her food like a deaf raccoon with zero social spatial awareness?
Table manners are there for a reason—it keeps things clean and tidy, all the while making sure nobody’s grossed out
Image credits: Ron Lach (not the actual photo)
However, this guy had a problem with his girlfriend who always made a lot of obnoxious noises whilst eating—especially pasta
Image credits: shotprime (not the actual photo)
Image credits: NextStopMyA**
The guy did tolerate it for the longest time until his girlfriend betrayed his trust and so he walked out. And somehow it’s his fault?
Image credits: Ron Lach (not the actual photo)
That is really the gist of the story—the girl slurps like she’s playing a kazoo in a library and the guy can’t take it any more, especially after she lies about not getting spaghetti and still orders it.
She did not take kindly to his walkout. Not only was there the silent treatment, but also an equally loud passive aggressive rant at home. The guy really needed some perspective, so Reddit caught wind of the story.
And folks online were on the guy’s side. Not only did they think it was rude as heck to be grossly loud in restaurants, it’s also a turnoff for many. In fact, to many it felt like a losing battle—if she can’t change her immature ways, then it’s not worth investing in that relationship.
Others pointed out that it’s not that hard to switch between home you and public you. Many people do it flawlessly, and it should stay that way. Because, yes, it’s rude, but folks with aural sensitivity would be extremely uncomfortable, so the jerkiness persists.
Apparently, “disgusting mouth sounds” are right there at the top of the greatest pet peeves when dining
Image credits: Nadin Sh (not the actual photo)
And by disgusting mouth sounds, they mean everything from lip smacking to biting the spoon to slurping and chewing like there’s no tomorrow.
Besides dining etiquette simply being the civil and respectful thing to do, adhering to it means not getting on other people’s nerves. Staying under the sound and visual radar and keeping to yourself is generally considered a good thing in many societies, so noise is definitely a big nope.
And it’s not just mouth noises—it’s also considered rude to make your plate suffer as you use excessive force on it using your eating utensils and then doing the same with your partner’s plate if you happen to be trying to nab some of their food without asking first.
If anything, there are even medical reasons to keep your mouth on mute. What if someone in your general area has misophonia—a disorder whereby certain sounds trigger emotional and physiological responses that might just ramp up the crazy to 11?
So, we’d love to hear what you think about all of this. Do you tolerate loud eating, or is it a complete turnoff for you? Share your takes and stories in the comment section below!
Right off the bat, most folks thought that the guy is not at fault here and some saw zero prospects in staying invested in the relationship
There were also those with an egalitarian devil’s advocate approach to it, saying walking out is just as rude
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I am going to go even further and say that I couldn't date a person like that. It's not just the table manners, it's the complete refusal to do anything about it. That's like people not showering when they stink because THEY don't think they need a shower. Fine, I guess, but not for me then.
Some ESH comments are priceless. Table manners are cultural, so this could be an excuse to behave like pigs? If where you are at a given moment, politeness requires NOT to slurp, you just don't. Or else you're an AH who shows no respect to others.
Exactly. If it was her custom to fart during dinner as no one before had objected to it and it was normal in her family, would it be ok? Slurping pasta might have been cute as a kid. If someone can't help eating like that due to a disability or the occasional slurp due to enthousiasm as someone said, that's fine. But really not even trying to look around and see how others eat (after hearing that how you eat isn't the norm), about what is the social norm in the environment... I would be very disappointed in that person. And that would be a dealbreaker for me. Have some awareness of your surroundings, some consideration.
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I think that he is missing the point. I do not think he is an AH, I would not be with someone who does anything that I find disgusting. (I have a friend who's boyfriend picks his nose and flicks it on the carpet... doesn't bug her, bugs me, but I am not the one dating him, so it's not my business as long as he doesn't do it in my home). The point is, if that bothers you about her now, and she has no intention of changing it, in a few years it will seem unbearable. Leave, before you start a life together. Stop wasting each other's time. You are not compatible.
He seems to have clued in that her refusal to compromise or consider his comfort is the bigger problem. Lots of people listen and adjust their habits. One person will compromise by making an effort and the other compromises by accepting the odd imperfection. He's made the effort, she won't.
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IMHO, it;s not even about her table manners. It's that she doesn't give a s**t about other people around, and lies to gets what she wants (they both going to the restaurant). As for the ESH who claim that table manners are 'classicist' and 'don't matter because they're arbitrary', yeah, so is the rule to stop at a red light...
Stopping at a red light is not an arbitrary rule, there's a very good reason: so that you don't die or cause other people to die. Most manners are absolutely arbitrary. You can respect them or not, but you'll have to deal with the consequences within any given culture. Him not wanting to be in a restaurant with her when she eats pasta is a reasonable boundary and a direct consequence of her not respecting these cultural table manners.
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Forget the noodles, what about the passive aggression and manipulation. Saying things like "oh yeah, you're so perfect I get it." Going into another room to trash talk him to herself loudly so he would hear it. Run away from those red flags as fast as you can.
Yeah. That's the behavior that concerns me. It's childish and I would be done with her after that reaction.
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There are some REALLY chronically online responses in the ESH responses. Calling his thoughts "classist" and "elitist" and "policing how someone enjoys their food"...good lord those people need to get away from their phone screens and their tiktok buzzwords. He set a boundary, not to "police her behaviour", but to say that he as a person wanted to avoid being in a situation where that behaviour occurs. She lied to put him in that situation, so he removed himself from it. He didn't tell her that she couldn't have spaghetti, or that she couldn't eat it the way she wants. He said that he just wasn't going to put himself in a position to be exposed to that, and stood by that. The only behaviour he was changing was his own.
I agree. If he was trying to police her behavior, he would be trying to get her to stop completely. Instead, he offers to drive her if she would like to do it by herself or with friends. All he wants to to not be involved.
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I can understand him. I have a really hard time with people who eat loud. Not only annoying but mostly it takes my appetite away. You should have learned to not slurp o chew with your mouth open when you were a small child.
Same here Makabert, it's probably my number one peeve, to those of you that don't suffer and say they just ignore it then good for you, but for those of us that can't, we wish we could ignore noisy eaters.
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I won't eat burgers in public coz yeah I'm a mess trying to eat them. At home though I can make all the mess I want
Same with ribs, big messy sandwiches, or any other potentially messy food. Home, OK. In public? No way.
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Insisting on doing something disgusting and embarrassing after having it pointed out, just to f**k with him, is a choice. She’s not a nice person.
People need to learn table manners. I walked out on my ex because we had been at a restaurant for 30 minutes and he never spoke a word to me or looked up from his phone so I got up and left. He lost it about how badly I had embarrassed him, bro was on his phone for a full on 30 minutes and didn't even put it away when the food came out. I was embarrassed and also just having a miserable time.
The issue is not the way she's eating anymore, it's her lying and breaking a promise. You don't want to eat with someone looking and sounding disgusting, but you should even less eat and be in a couple with such an immature liar.
Everyone seems to have focused on the table manners. The more significant thing is that he told her he wouldn't eat with her if she ordered spaghetti, and as a condition of getting him to go to the restaurant, she agreed to order something else - and immediately went back on it the first chance she got. That's lying and manipulation and is not acceptable. He was right to walk out - because that was made clear in advance.
As someone who hates gross eating noises, NTA. Just because it might be acceptable in another cultures does not mean it's acceptable everywhere. If you eat at public, it's inconsiderate and rude to disturb others with noisy eating. I would understand if she had some sort of disability and couldn't eat quietly, but this just seems that she does not give single f**k about anyone else.
The poor table manners and eating noises are really secondary here to her behavior afterwards. The OPs description of her berating him, shrieking over him, and immature passive aggressive insults would have seen me breaking up with her that night. I couldn't maintain any kind of respect or attraction to someone after that behavior. After seeing a grown adult have a tantrum like a toddler I'd be out.
Agree 100%! Those are certainly the more concerning behaviors, much more so than the table manners.
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In my culture, we eat with our hand. That does not mean I go to a nice sit down restaurant and shove my hand in everything (unless it's something like moss sticks, but that's besides the point). I use the silverware properly. She can slurp her pasta to high heaven in her own home. But if she is with friends, at least have some decency.
*Correction: I meant moss sticks, stupid autocorrect
Load More Replies... Slurping when you can't help it and did what you could to avoid it would absolutely be acceptable to me. Slurping on purpose, no. (Unless it's a cultural way of expressing your enthusiasm over the food, but even that is usually only the occasional slurp, because the food is so good you can't help yourself. )
So she's saying you embarrassed her by walking out yet dhe embarrasses you every single time and that's ok......
yeah, for me its not about the noodle slurping its about the inability to compromise/have a discussion about it. On both their parts. They've been living together for 5 months, and are having problems over what is essentially a very small issue. Imagine in 20 years when they might have kids or get into an argument over something actually important. If they can't deal with spaghetti, I can't see them dealing with more important things.
I'm a bit (okay, a lot) of a B, the moment "You embarrassed me!" came out her mouth I would have hollered with a great big smile and total perkiness "Great! Now you see how I feel, how'd you like it?! Was it amazing?!" Also, forget the slurping, my big peeve is the talking c**p in another room with the obvious intent to be heard. If you have something to say frigging say it to me. I don't even mind, I'm autistic, I can't always tell when I'm annoying, I will gladly accept criticism, just frigging tell me, not the carpet and walls in the next damn room!
Ahaha, damn is okay but carp, spelled right, is bad?
Load More Replies... Responding to the comments above about table manners being classist. I disagree. Majority of manners are about making other people comfortable and showing respect others. The onus is on us to learn manners, to think of others, and show respect to others. If someone is bothered by seeing someone chew with their mouth full, it is not a classist or arbitrary, they are breaking societal norms. Someone using poor manners shows lack of knowledge or care and respect for others. Cutting in line, eating loudly, or belching are all considered rude in many places yet acceptable in some. It’s important to learn and follow these rules, to show respect, and care for the comfort of those around us. His girlfriend lack of care is awkward enough, but also the embarrassment this causes in public situations. Whether you believe it or not people judge. Care or not these judgements have consequences in how smoothly our social interactions go and in affect our own perceptions of people and day to day life.
I have sensory processing issues and noisy eating is one of the sounds that I just can't handle. I have a co-worker who eats CONSTANTLY and always chews with his mouth open, and if I can't leave the office, I need to turn the radio up AND use ear plugs until he's done eating. I tried to hide it, but he noticed eventually and I feel bad, but like sorry dude, I will literally throw up if I have to listen to that.
Think about it this way. If OP is building a career, there are bound to be company dinners and parties that he and his SO would be attending. Imagine what his bosses will think about OP when they see his SO eating the catered dinner like a pig at a trough, and making a scene when he tries to discreetly whisper to her to tone the slurping down. Yeah, no impressing the bosses, and no next rung on the corporate ladder for OP if that happens. It’s one thing if she was brought up practically feral and doesn’t know any better. In that case, she would hopefully be very interested in learning proper table etiquette. But, since it appears his SO isn’t even interested enough to behave better in public, which is a big red flag btw, OP is better off severing the relationship before any huge damage is done. Now I’m not saying people should only marry people they think will help their careers, no way. But people should be taught—-and more importantly, want to learn—-how to behave in certain situations, so as not to embarrass the person they’re supposed to care about. I don’t mean anything abusive here, just that if the girlfriend really cared about OP, she would at least want to discuss ways to deal with her table manners, at least when they’re around other people. We can’t always do and act and be exactly what and how we want when we’re around other people. We need to take their comfort into consideration along with our own, and modify our behavior accordingly, simply because that’s what civilized societies do, to avoid chaos.
It's really not about how she eats pasta. And lasagna is probably the least important thing she's lied to him about.
I can't even stand to hear someone slurp their morning coffee. I wouldn't even say that it was the slurping that did this, it's her inability to keep a promise or compromise on something that really isn't hard to adjust to.
She sounds like an unhinged psychopath. Not entirely for the the slurping, but it adds to it. Who goes into another room and complains loudly enough that you can hear it instead of having a conversation like an adult.
The primary issue here is that she made a promise to get him to agree to take her there, and then immediately broke that promise. Whether the issue that the promise was about is truly important is mostly irrelevant—it’s the fact that she blamed him for being unhappy about her breaking the promise. That makes her fundamentally untrustworthy.
I don't get all of the YTA and ESH comments. OP informed his GF that the way she eats spaghetti lacked common courtesy, and that he didn't want to be around her when she ate it. Snarky response: red flag #1. At the restaurant, she proceeds to order spaghetti, even after she said she wouldn't: red flag #2. Angry at OP enforcing his boundaries, she s**t-talks him to herself--LOUDLY: red flag #3. I think that's his cue to reevaluate the relationship and call it a day. She will only continue with her passive-aggressive behavior, which will amplify as the days go by. OP should break the lease if necessary, and write this off as a lesson learned. Maybe she'll find someone like-minded, and they'll live slurpily ever after. Or, she'll wonder why her friends are in decent relationships/marriages, and she's still single, while slurping a plate of spaghetti.
nta. op made it clear he has tried numerous ways to approach this issue. hes suggested other ways she can still enjoy the same foods, he's addressed directly how much it bothers him and hes made clear that this is a single behavior of hers that is bothersome. his girl friend has made zero effort to meet him half way. in some cultures some slurping is allowed/normal but i highly doubt anyone finds it socially acceptable to slurp so loudly that it disgusts or disturbs other patrons. op might need to re-evaluate how much he wants to be with this girl after she has shown shes not willing to negotiate or meet half way (ie not eating noodles, or eating noodles at home, or eating noodles out with friends)
For the record, there is no need of a spoon when eating spaghetti. Try that in Italy and you'll get some looks. That said, there is also no need to noisily slurp your spaghetti. I learned this when I was 5 or so. You roll a few strands around your fork, then help out the loose strand with your fork. Done. You don't suck them in. -- When I was an officer in the italian army, I had a few soldiers under my charge that had never used utensils in their lives. They were mostly shepherds from the mountains, used to sleeping under the stars and roughing it. I had to teach them how to use a fork (we couldn't have people eating with their hands in the mess). They learned. They probably could have taught me a lot about surviving in the wild, we just had different skillsets. My driver was such a shepherd. He was killed in a stupid highway mishap when a Belgian truck driver didn't see the Jeep he was driving and sent it down a ravine. I still miss him. (wow, this went off course)
I knew a man from Italy. He used a spoon. That's where I learned how to use the spoon with a fork to eat spaghetti. So I can say for sue at least one Italian uses a spoon and did not look at me funny.
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There are people who comment that Asian culture is ok, but it is not all Asian culture, don't believe, come try it in Singapore, I will bet that you will be the next headline in the social media, Some of the Singaporeans love to shoot bad behaviour and post online to let people see.
I personally can't eat with other people in a completely quiet place. Hearing people chew their food just grosses me out. Chewing loudly, smacking, chewing with their mouth open, crunching chips loudly, all things that irk me to be around. I'd make a point of not eating with someone again if I already knew I would lose my appetite listening to them eat.
Everyone assume she lied. She ordered her regular at a restaurant she loves. He first response should have been "I thought you wanted lasagna?" instead of immediately walking out.
NTA this is a heard deal breaker. I know Im on the opposite end if the spectrum from her, having misophina I wouldn't make it more than 1 date. Beyond that he spoke to her about it, REPEATEDLY and she chose to lie and behave like a child. Ontop of that he waited for her. If she cant grow up and treat her SO with respect. She doesn't deserve to be in a relationship.
It doesn't matter where you come from, manners, table or otherwise, cost nothing. This woman clearly has none and needs dumping!
did she skipped a kindergarden or was behind a nursery when they tech kids how to behave at the table? or why tf is he dating a kid who cant behave?
Cut it, problem solved....I don't think my Italian great grandfather would care :p
She has shown you who she is. It's your decision whether or not to continue this relationship. She has no respect for you, her "promises" to you or your feelings at all. 10 years down the road married to this sow, you're at a restaurant, with her and the KIDS. All of them are basically having a slurping contest to see who can slurp the loudest.
Another idiotic list of ESHs that totally ignore her breaking her promise which is a crimson flag compared to her manners which are just as red ...
So my partner doesn't have great table manners. We was going for a meal with my family. I explained I expected him to at least have the manners of our children and eat with mouth closed mouth and not to put too much in at once ect which he took and even asked my opinion on what he should order to eat. He is autistic so it's a lot of training on basic things but he is brilliant in other ways. Have had to teach him to be a dad and he is now excellent at it. But at home he eats how he wants. When in public he knows the rules lol 😆 so defo nta. I would walk out if he ate like an animal out in public
Only toddlers suck up spaghetti and only because there are no lumps in the sauce. It is not acceptable in any way for an adult to do so. Noodles can be slurped but only if in an Asian country where it is acceptable.
Welp, immediate dealbreaker for me. I can't stand the sound of myself eating though so I'm at the extreme end
Definitely break up. Or buy her a white dress for a night out. Or play a fun game of guess the eating sounds - her, a pig or a rhino.
I love slurping my spaghetti. If you want to know why, we'll it is a personal memory. But i dont slurp my spaghetti in public, noodles are a different manner and i have been stared at for slurping those loud. Just catch the mood of the venue and do what would least bother other people around you. Also NTA, and you can apologise with trying to find some place that does 'etiquette lessons' for adults and take a workshop.
I don't believe in totally bending over backward to please everyone but observing common manners in public shows some basic consideration. Sounds like these two aren't compatible.
You learn when youre 1 how to eat without slurping. I wouldve walked out permanently
I wouldn't be telling someone what to eat but then I wouldn't get that far into a relationship with someone that slurps.
I'd put this up there with things I wouldn't be able to handle, like loud chewing and lip smacking. I'm far from a "manners for everyone at all times" but I find just belting out burps and farts in private, let alone in public, to be gauche, rude, and gross. It's okay if two people are incompatible. She shouldn't be policed with how she eats and he shouldn't be with someone who eats in a way he can't stand. Nothing wrong with either of them, just not right for each. THOUGH, I think if you're in public certain manners should be adhered to. I kind of feel like her eating like that is like burping and should be changed. But then if she didn't want to we'd just break it off. Not the complictaed.
They both sound like a terrible couple that should move on from eachother
For the same reason people outside of the US call cookies biscuits.....because people have words for things others don't and that's just that. Why does it bother you so much?
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Dude is a controlling weirdo. The girl has bad manners. They both need to move on. They both suck.
I disagree. He's not trying to get her to change her behavior. He just doesn't want to be involved. That's not controlling at all, especially when he offers to drive her so she can do the behavior with friends or by herself, thus enabling the behavior.
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I see I'm in a minority here, but I don't really think OP is very nice. I think he has cherry picked some facts. He tried to teach her how to eat? Hmmm. Also, is he talking about pasta or noodles, it makes a difference - noodles taste quite different when slurped. Everyone is assuming it must be very loud for people to look, but another take on this story might be that people are not looking at her because she is making a noise but looking at him because his reaction to her eating is worrying. I have had boyfriends in the past get angry at me for embarrassing them, only to have women come over to check I'm alright. What ever the truth of this, I do hope they brake up.
Sure blame the man Alice. You should have learned table manners as a child
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Why is everyone assuming this guy is telling things exactly as is. Is it not possible he is over exaggerating the noise she makes?
Even if he was shes still being gross... snd mean to continue doing it after being asked not too and lying about it.
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I'm conflicted on this one, because my 18-year-old daughter does the same thing. I've tried in vain to teach her how to eat spaghetti (our mutual favorite food) her whole life, to no avail. Texture is really important in eating for people on the spectrum, and she genuinely enjoys eating her spaghetti that way and no other. I'm wondering if maybe the girlfriend has similar sensory issues. Either way, I agree with the people who say "incompatible." My daughter's bf has eaten spaghetti with her, and he thinks it's "cute." An option I've discussed with her that may work for the girlfriend is to learn to eat noodles at an Asian restaurant with chopsticks. In that setting, almost everyone slurps a bit, and it may satiate her noodle craving so that she's happier ordering lasagna.
Your daughter is old enough to know the difference between what is acceptable at home and what isn't when eating out. The boyfriend is in the first stages of love, everything she does is cute and adorable, it won't stay that way.
Load More Replies... Tge German word for pasta is "Nudeln". Spaghetti is one of the many shapes/types "Nudeln" are available. Tagliatelle (Italian type) and Mie (Asian type) are both "Nudeln". Singular "Nudel". Pronounciation same as noodle.
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People are capable of having adult conversations, reflecting on themselves, and improving themselves over time. The right thing to do is to discuss things with your partner, not to abandon them immediately.
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What about lying to his face? All good with you? (Honest curiosity, not snark)
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We don't all have 'disorders', sometimes we just, plain, don't like something. Disgusting behaviour at the restaurant table is one of those. Noises made whilst eating should not be loud enough to be heard at another table, end of.
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I am going to go even further and say that I couldn't date a person like that. It's not just the table manners, it's the complete refusal to do anything about it. That's like people not showering when they stink because THEY don't think they need a shower. Fine, I guess, but not for me then.
Some ESH comments are priceless. Table manners are cultural, so this could be an excuse to behave like pigs? If where you are at a given moment, politeness requires NOT to slurp, you just don't. Or else you're an AH who shows no respect to others.
Exactly. If it was her custom to fart during dinner as no one before had objected to it and it was normal in her family, would it be ok? Slurping pasta might have been cute as a kid. If someone can't help eating like that due to a disability or the occasional slurp due to enthousiasm as someone said, that's fine. But really not even trying to look around and see how others eat (after hearing that how you eat isn't the norm), about what is the social norm in the environment... I would be very disappointed in that person. And that would be a dealbreaker for me. Have some awareness of your surroundings, some consideration.
Load More Replies... I think that he is missing the point. I do not think he is an AH, I would not be with someone who does anything that I find disgusting. (I have a friend who's boyfriend picks his nose and flicks it on the carpet... doesn't bug her, bugs me, but I am not the one dating him, so it's not my business as long as he doesn't do it in my home). The point is, if that bothers you about her now, and she has no intention of changing it, in a few years it will seem unbearable. Leave, before you start a life together. Stop wasting each other's time. You are not compatible.
He seems to have clued in that her refusal to compromise or consider his comfort is the bigger problem. Lots of people listen and adjust their habits. One person will compromise by making an effort and the other compromises by accepting the odd imperfection. He's made the effort, she won't.
Load More Replies... IMHO, it;s not even about her table manners. It's that she doesn't give a s**t about other people around, and lies to gets what she wants (they both going to the restaurant). As for the ESH who claim that table manners are 'classicist' and 'don't matter because they're arbitrary', yeah, so is the rule to stop at a red light...
Stopping at a red light is not an arbitrary rule, there's a very good reason: so that you don't die or cause other people to die. Most manners are absolutely arbitrary. You can respect them or not, but you'll have to deal with the consequences within any given culture. Him not wanting to be in a restaurant with her when she eats pasta is a reasonable boundary and a direct consequence of her not respecting these cultural table manners.
Load More Replies... Forget the noodles, what about the passive aggression and manipulation. Saying things like "oh yeah, you're so perfect I get it." Going into another room to trash talk him to herself loudly so he would hear it. Run away from those red flags as fast as you can.
Yeah. That's the behavior that concerns me. It's childish and I would be done with her after that reaction.
Load More Replies... There are some REALLY chronically online responses in the ESH responses. Calling his thoughts "classist" and "elitist" and "policing how someone enjoys their food"...good lord those people need to get away from their phone screens and their tiktok buzzwords. He set a boundary, not to "police her behaviour", but to say that he as a person wanted to avoid being in a situation where that behaviour occurs. She lied to put him in that situation, so he removed himself from it. He didn't tell her that she couldn't have spaghetti, or that she couldn't eat it the way she wants. He said that he just wasn't going to put himself in a position to be exposed to that, and stood by that. The only behaviour he was changing was his own.
I agree. If he was trying to police her behavior, he would be trying to get her to stop completely. Instead, he offers to drive her if she would like to do it by herself or with friends. All he wants to to not be involved.
Load More Replies... I can understand him. I have a really hard time with people who eat loud. Not only annoying but mostly it takes my appetite away. You should have learned to not slurp o chew with your mouth open when you were a small child.
Same here Makabert, it's probably my number one peeve, to those of you that don't suffer and say they just ignore it then good for you, but for those of us that can't, we wish we could ignore noisy eaters.
Load More Replies... I won't eat burgers in public coz yeah I'm a mess trying to eat them. At home though I can make all the mess I want
Same with ribs, big messy sandwiches, or any other potentially messy food. Home, OK. In public? No way.
Load More Replies... Insisting on doing something disgusting and embarrassing after having it pointed out, just to f**k with him, is a choice. She’s not a nice person.
People need to learn table manners. I walked out on my ex because we had been at a restaurant for 30 minutes and he never spoke a word to me or looked up from his phone so I got up and left. He lost it about how badly I had embarrassed him, bro was on his phone for a full on 30 minutes and didn't even put it away when the food came out. I was embarrassed and also just having a miserable time.
The issue is not the way she's eating anymore, it's her lying and breaking a promise. You don't want to eat with someone looking and sounding disgusting, but you should even less eat and be in a couple with such an immature liar.
Everyone seems to have focused on the table manners. The more significant thing is that he told her he wouldn't eat with her if she ordered spaghetti, and as a condition of getting him to go to the restaurant, she agreed to order something else - and immediately went back on it the first chance she got. That's lying and manipulation and is not acceptable. He was right to walk out - because that was made clear in advance.
As someone who hates gross eating noises, NTA. Just because it might be acceptable in another cultures does not mean it's acceptable everywhere. If you eat at public, it's inconsiderate and rude to disturb others with noisy eating. I would understand if she had some sort of disability and couldn't eat quietly, but this just seems that she does not give single f**k about anyone else.
The poor table manners and eating noises are really secondary here to her behavior afterwards. The OPs description of her berating him, shrieking over him, and immature passive aggressive insults would have seen me breaking up with her that night. I couldn't maintain any kind of respect or attraction to someone after that behavior. After seeing a grown adult have a tantrum like a toddler I'd be out.
Agree 100%! Those are certainly the more concerning behaviors, much more so than the table manners.
Load More Replies... In my culture, we eat with our hand. That does not mean I go to a nice sit down restaurant and shove my hand in everything (unless it's something like moss sticks, but that's besides the point). I use the silverware properly. She can slurp her pasta to high heaven in her own home. But if she is with friends, at least have some decency.
*Correction: I meant moss sticks, stupid autocorrect
Load More Replies... Slurping when you can't help it and did what you could to avoid it would absolutely be acceptable to me. Slurping on purpose, no. (Unless it's a cultural way of expressing your enthusiasm over the food, but even that is usually only the occasional slurp, because the food is so good you can't help yourself. )
So she's saying you embarrassed her by walking out yet dhe embarrasses you every single time and that's ok......
yeah, for me its not about the noodle slurping its about the inability to compromise/have a discussion about it. On both their parts. They've been living together for 5 months, and are having problems over what is essentially a very small issue. Imagine in 20 years when they might have kids or get into an argument over something actually important. If they can't deal with spaghetti, I can't see them dealing with more important things.
I'm a bit (okay, a lot) of a B, the moment "You embarrassed me!" came out her mouth I would have hollered with a great big smile and total perkiness "Great! Now you see how I feel, how'd you like it?! Was it amazing?!" Also, forget the slurping, my big peeve is the talking c**p in another room with the obvious intent to be heard. If you have something to say frigging say it to me. I don't even mind, I'm autistic, I can't always tell when I'm annoying, I will gladly accept criticism, just frigging tell me, not the carpet and walls in the next damn room!
Ahaha, damn is okay but carp, spelled right, is bad?
Load More Replies... Responding to the comments above about table manners being classist. I disagree. Majority of manners are about making other people comfortable and showing respect others. The onus is on us to learn manners, to think of others, and show respect to others. If someone is bothered by seeing someone chew with their mouth full, it is not a classist or arbitrary, they are breaking societal norms. Someone using poor manners shows lack of knowledge or care and respect for others. Cutting in line, eating loudly, or belching are all considered rude in many places yet acceptable in some. It’s important to learn and follow these rules, to show respect, and care for the comfort of those around us. His girlfriend lack of care is awkward enough, but also the embarrassment this causes in public situations. Whether you believe it or not people judge. Care or not these judgements have consequences in how smoothly our social interactions go and in affect our own perceptions of people and day to day life.
I have sensory processing issues and noisy eating is one of the sounds that I just can't handle. I have a co-worker who eats CONSTANTLY and always chews with his mouth open, and if I can't leave the office, I need to turn the radio up AND use ear plugs until he's done eating. I tried to hide it, but he noticed eventually and I feel bad, but like sorry dude, I will literally throw up if I have to listen to that.
Think about it this way. If OP is building a career, there are bound to be company dinners and parties that he and his SO would be attending. Imagine what his bosses will think about OP when they see his SO eating the catered dinner like a pig at a trough, and making a scene when he tries to discreetly whisper to her to tone the slurping down. Yeah, no impressing the bosses, and no next rung on the corporate ladder for OP if that happens. It’s one thing if she was brought up practically feral and doesn’t know any better. In that case, she would hopefully be very interested in learning proper table etiquette. But, since it appears his SO isn’t even interested enough to behave better in public, which is a big red flag btw, OP is better off severing the relationship before any huge damage is done. Now I’m not saying people should only marry people they think will help their careers, no way. But people should be taught—-and more importantly, want to learn—-how to behave in certain situations, so as not to embarrass the person they’re supposed to care about. I don’t mean anything abusive here, just that if the girlfriend really cared about OP, she would at least want to discuss ways to deal with her table manners, at least when they’re around other people. We can’t always do and act and be exactly what and how we want when we’re around other people. We need to take their comfort into consideration along with our own, and modify our behavior accordingly, simply because that’s what civilized societies do, to avoid chaos.
It's really not about how she eats pasta. And lasagna is probably the least important thing she's lied to him about.
I can't even stand to hear someone slurp their morning coffee. I wouldn't even say that it was the slurping that did this, it's her inability to keep a promise or compromise on something that really isn't hard to adjust to.
She sounds like an unhinged psychopath. Not entirely for the the slurping, but it adds to it. Who goes into another room and complains loudly enough that you can hear it instead of having a conversation like an adult.
The primary issue here is that she made a promise to get him to agree to take her there, and then immediately broke that promise. Whether the issue that the promise was about is truly important is mostly irrelevant—it’s the fact that she blamed him for being unhappy about her breaking the promise. That makes her fundamentally untrustworthy.
I don't get all of the YTA and ESH comments. OP informed his GF that the way she eats spaghetti lacked common courtesy, and that he didn't want to be around her when she ate it. Snarky response: red flag #1. At the restaurant, she proceeds to order spaghetti, even after she said she wouldn't: red flag #2. Angry at OP enforcing his boundaries, she s**t-talks him to herself--LOUDLY: red flag #3. I think that's his cue to reevaluate the relationship and call it a day. She will only continue with her passive-aggressive behavior, which will amplify as the days go by. OP should break the lease if necessary, and write this off as a lesson learned. Maybe she'll find someone like-minded, and they'll live slurpily ever after. Or, she'll wonder why her friends are in decent relationships/marriages, and she's still single, while slurping a plate of spaghetti.
nta. op made it clear he has tried numerous ways to approach this issue. hes suggested other ways she can still enjoy the same foods, he's addressed directly how much it bothers him and hes made clear that this is a single behavior of hers that is bothersome. his girl friend has made zero effort to meet him half way. in some cultures some slurping is allowed/normal but i highly doubt anyone finds it socially acceptable to slurp so loudly that it disgusts or disturbs other patrons. op might need to re-evaluate how much he wants to be with this girl after she has shown shes not willing to negotiate or meet half way (ie not eating noodles, or eating noodles at home, or eating noodles out with friends)
For the record, there is no need of a spoon when eating spaghetti. Try that in Italy and you'll get some looks. That said, there is also no need to noisily slurp your spaghetti. I learned this when I was 5 or so. You roll a few strands around your fork, then help out the loose strand with your fork. Done. You don't suck them in. -- When I was an officer in the italian army, I had a few soldiers under my charge that had never used utensils in their lives. They were mostly shepherds from the mountains, used to sleeping under the stars and roughing it. I had to teach them how to use a fork (we couldn't have people eating with their hands in the mess). They learned. They probably could have taught me a lot about surviving in the wild, we just had different skillsets. My driver was such a shepherd. He was killed in a stupid highway mishap when a Belgian truck driver didn't see the Jeep he was driving and sent it down a ravine. I still miss him. (wow, this went off course)
I knew a man from Italy. He used a spoon. That's where I learned how to use the spoon with a fork to eat spaghetti. So I can say for sue at least one Italian uses a spoon and did not look at me funny.
Load More Replies... There are people who comment that Asian culture is ok, but it is not all Asian culture, don't believe, come try it in Singapore, I will bet that you will be the next headline in the social media, Some of the Singaporeans love to shoot bad behaviour and post online to let people see.
I personally can't eat with other people in a completely quiet place. Hearing people chew their food just grosses me out. Chewing loudly, smacking, chewing with their mouth open, crunching chips loudly, all things that irk me to be around. I'd make a point of not eating with someone again if I already knew I would lose my appetite listening to them eat.
Everyone assume she lied. She ordered her regular at a restaurant she loves. He first response should have been "I thought you wanted lasagna?" instead of immediately walking out.
NTA this is a heard deal breaker. I know Im on the opposite end if the spectrum from her, having misophina I wouldn't make it more than 1 date. Beyond that he spoke to her about it, REPEATEDLY and she chose to lie and behave like a child. Ontop of that he waited for her. If she cant grow up and treat her SO with respect. She doesn't deserve to be in a relationship.
It doesn't matter where you come from, manners, table or otherwise, cost nothing. This woman clearly has none and needs dumping!
did she skipped a kindergarden or was behind a nursery when they tech kids how to behave at the table? or why tf is he dating a kid who cant behave?
Cut it, problem solved....I don't think my Italian great grandfather would care :p
She has shown you who she is. It's your decision whether or not to continue this relationship. She has no respect for you, her "promises" to you or your feelings at all. 10 years down the road married to this sow, you're at a restaurant, with her and the KIDS. All of them are basically having a slurping contest to see who can slurp the loudest.
Another idiotic list of ESHs that totally ignore her breaking her promise which is a crimson flag compared to her manners which are just as red ...
So my partner doesn't have great table manners. We was going for a meal with my family. I explained I expected him to at least have the manners of our children and eat with mouth closed mouth and not to put too much in at once ect which he took and even asked my opinion on what he should order to eat. He is autistic so it's a lot of training on basic things but he is brilliant in other ways. Have had to teach him to be a dad and he is now excellent at it. But at home he eats how he wants. When in public he knows the rules lol 😆 so defo nta. I would walk out if he ate like an animal out in public
Only toddlers suck up spaghetti and only because there are no lumps in the sauce. It is not acceptable in any way for an adult to do so. Noodles can be slurped but only if in an Asian country where it is acceptable.
Welp, immediate dealbreaker for me. I can't stand the sound of myself eating though so I'm at the extreme end
Definitely break up. Or buy her a white dress for a night out. Or play a fun game of guess the eating sounds - her, a pig or a rhino.
I love slurping my spaghetti. If you want to know why, we'll it is a personal memory. But i dont slurp my spaghetti in public, noodles are a different manner and i have been stared at for slurping those loud. Just catch the mood of the venue and do what would least bother other people around you. Also NTA, and you can apologise with trying to find some place that does 'etiquette lessons' for adults and take a workshop.
I don't believe in totally bending over backward to please everyone but observing common manners in public shows some basic consideration. Sounds like these two aren't compatible.
You learn when youre 1 how to eat without slurping. I wouldve walked out permanently
I wouldn't be telling someone what to eat but then I wouldn't get that far into a relationship with someone that slurps.
I'd put this up there with things I wouldn't be able to handle, like loud chewing and lip smacking. I'm far from a "manners for everyone at all times" but I find just belting out burps and farts in private, let alone in public, to be gauche, rude, and gross. It's okay if two people are incompatible. She shouldn't be policed with how she eats and he shouldn't be with someone who eats in a way he can't stand. Nothing wrong with either of them, just not right for each. THOUGH, I think if you're in public certain manners should be adhered to. I kind of feel like her eating like that is like burping and should be changed. But then if she didn't want to we'd just break it off. Not the complictaed.
They both sound like a terrible couple that should move on from eachother
For the same reason people outside of the US call cookies biscuits.....because people have words for things others don't and that's just that. Why does it bother you so much?
Load More Replies... Dude is a controlling weirdo. The girl has bad manners. They both need to move on. They both suck.
I disagree. He's not trying to get her to change her behavior. He just doesn't want to be involved. That's not controlling at all, especially when he offers to drive her so she can do the behavior with friends or by herself, thus enabling the behavior.
Load More Replies... I see I'm in a minority here, but I don't really think OP is very nice. I think he has cherry picked some facts. He tried to teach her how to eat? Hmmm. Also, is he talking about pasta or noodles, it makes a difference - noodles taste quite different when slurped. Everyone is assuming it must be very loud for people to look, but another take on this story might be that people are not looking at her because she is making a noise but looking at him because his reaction to her eating is worrying. I have had boyfriends in the past get angry at me for embarrassing them, only to have women come over to check I'm alright. What ever the truth of this, I do hope they brake up.
Sure blame the man Alice. You should have learned table manners as a child
Load More Replies... Why is everyone assuming this guy is telling things exactly as is. Is it not possible he is over exaggerating the noise she makes?
Even if he was shes still being gross... snd mean to continue doing it after being asked not too and lying about it.
Load More Replies... I'm conflicted on this one, because my 18-year-old daughter does the same thing. I've tried in vain to teach her how to eat spaghetti (our mutual favorite food) her whole life, to no avail. Texture is really important in eating for people on the spectrum, and she genuinely enjoys eating her spaghetti that way and no other. I'm wondering if maybe the girlfriend has similar sensory issues. Either way, I agree with the people who say "incompatible." My daughter's bf has eaten spaghetti with her, and he thinks it's "cute." An option I've discussed with her that may work for the girlfriend is to learn to eat noodles at an Asian restaurant with chopsticks. In that setting, almost everyone slurps a bit, and it may satiate her noodle craving so that she's happier ordering lasagna.
Your daughter is old enough to know the difference between what is acceptable at home and what isn't when eating out. The boyfriend is in the first stages of love, everything she does is cute and adorable, it won't stay that way.
Load More Replies... Tge German word for pasta is "Nudeln". Spaghetti is one of the many shapes/types "Nudeln" are available. Tagliatelle (Italian type) and Mie (Asian type) are both "Nudeln". Singular "Nudel". Pronounciation same as noodle.
Load More Replies... People are capable of having adult conversations, reflecting on themselves, and improving themselves over time. The right thing to do is to discuss things with your partner, not to abandon them immediately.
Load More Replies... What about lying to his face? All good with you? (Honest curiosity, not snark)
Load More Replies... We don't all have 'disorders', sometimes we just, plain, don't like something. Disgusting behaviour at the restaurant table is one of those. Noises made whilst eating should not be loud enough to be heard at another table, end of.
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