Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
Woman Decides To Completely Change Her Style, Ignores Partner’s Comments About Not Liking It
The 2020 lockdown was a weird time. Some were trekking across the land looking for more toilet paper to stock up on, others watched seven seasons of a show in one day, others turned to making sourdough at home. Everyone had their own mechanism for keeping sane.
But one woman discovered that her plan, to change up her personal style, didn’t go over well with her partner. A netizen asked the internet if they were wrong for constantly and consistently criticizing their girlfriend’s new fashion and hair color choices. As one can imagine, this caused no small amount of drama in their household.
RELATED:
Changing up one’s style is a relatively normal thing to do
Image credits: ADDICTIVE_STOCK/Envato (not the actual photo)
But one netizen decided they hated their GF’s new clothes and decided to tell her that directly
Image credits: tonodiaz/Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: wfhstress2020
Telling a partner what to wear is pretty toxic
Identifying controlling behavior in a relationship can be like trying to spot a chameleon in a dense forest because it often disguises itself as genuine care or simple concern for a partner’s wellbeing. In the story of the partner who decided to embrace fluorescent green hair and platform sneakers, we see a textbook example of how control often begins with critiques of a partner’s physical appearance. While the narrator frames their discomfort as being about social norms or professional standards, the underlying issue is a lack of respect for the other person’s bodily autonomy. Research on psychological control indicates that when a partner attempts to influence how another person dresses or grooms themselves, they are often exerting a form of dominance that can erode the other person’s self esteem over time. This behavior is rarely about the hair color itself and more about the narrator’s desire to maintain a predictable and socially safe image of their partner.
One of the primary signs of a controlling dynamic is when one person feels entitled to set the standard for what is considered normal or acceptable behavior. When the narrator in the post repeatedly asks their partner to wear normal things when they hang out, they are creating an environment where the partner’s authenticity is treated as a problem to be solved. This is a subtle form of social monitoring. Controlling individuals often use the threat of social embarrassment to keep their partners in line, much like how the narrator mentions the stares their partner receives for not wearing a bra.
Image credits: drobotdean/Freepik (not the actual photo)
Instead of supporting their partner’s comfort or choice, the narrator uses public perception as a tool to pressure them into conformity. According to experts at The Gottman Institute, criticism that targets a person’s character or identity rather than a specific behavior is one of the most destructive forces in a relationship. By labeling the partner’s new style as something that needs to be fixed for public consumption, the narrator is prioritizing their own comfort over their partner’s self discovery. This often stems from a fear that if the partner changes, the relationship dynamic will shift in a way the controller cannot manage.
There is a difference between preferences and control
Another major red flag is the refusal to accept a partner’s boundaries when they express a desire for independence. In the story, the partner explains that they feel more comfortable and more themselves in their new style, but the narrator continues to push the issue until it erupts into a fight. A healthy response to a partner’s change would involve curiosity and support, but a controlling response involves judgment and a demand for a return to the status quo.
When the narrator asks what the partner will do when they return to the office, it isn’t just a logistical question but a way to plant seeds of doubt about the partner’s professional competence. This tactic is often used to make a partner feel like they cannot survive or succeed without the rational guidance of the controller. Research published by Psychology Today highlights that controlling people often present themselves as the voice of reason while making their partners feel impulsive or irrational. This gaslighting of a partner’s choices makes them second guess their own reality and preferences.
It is also important to look at how a person reacts when their advice is ignored. In the Reddit scenario, the narrator is annoyed that the partner isn’t listening, which suggests an expectation of compliance. In a balanced relationship, both people should feel free to experiment with their identity without fearing that it will cause a major conflict with their significant other. When the phrase “I don’t like your hair” turns into “you are being rude for not dressing how I want,” the shift from preference to control is complete.
Love should be a safety net that allows a person to jump into new experiences, not a cage that keeps them grounded for the sake of appearances. Control can also manifest as emotional manipulation where the narrator makes their own annoyance the centerpiece of the conversation, effectively guilt tripping the partner for their joy. Understanding these patterns is the first step toward building a relationship based on true equality and respect. If you find yourself in a situation where your partner’s style makes you uncomfortable, it might be worth asking whether you love the person or the version of them that makes your life feel more convenient. True partnership requires us to let go of the steering wheel and trust that our partner knows exactly who they are becoming, even if they look like a bright green neon sign while doing it. This kind of radical acceptance is what separates a controlling dynamic from a loving one that fosters growth and happiness for both individuals involved.
One reader wanted more details
A handful saw the author’s point of view
But many thought he was being controlling
Poll Question
Total votes ·
Thanks! Check out the results:
Total votes ·
Newsletter
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
What do you think ?
V 6 days ago
E and my husband started dating in our mid twenties, and that's a bit over 15 years ago now. Both of our senses of style have changed a handful of times during those years. Did I like everything my husband has worn in that time? No. But did I buy him this ugly a*s jacket he'd been eyeing for months, yes. Because our love runs deeper than our sense of style.
Andrei Iepure 6 days ago
So many people run online for things they should decide by themselves. Don't like her new style? Just walk away. It's not that deep. If you don't want to walk away, then it's not that big of an issue.
Skogsrået 5 days ago
Totally agree, if you are so shallow that a change in style from the person you claim to love makes you rethink the relationship then just leave cause they deserve better then a shallow ahole.
Load More Replies...
KatSaidThat 5 days ago
YTA - she is experimenting with stuff she never had the confidence to play with before and you are more bothered about how it looks for you. She had a wardrobe update, not a personality transplant.
Austzn 5 days ago
Pretty shallow. What's next; judging her for trying a new food or type of coffee or something? If clothing "means" something that much to the other person, they are the one with the problem.
Scott Rackley 5 days ago
It's went beyond just clothing. If she changed enough that he no longer finds her attractive he should just "tough it out"? If I shave my head and start wearing pasties around, I would expect my GF to not like it.
Load More Replies...
Roberta Surprenant 5 days ago
How dare she change and evolve like that! Doesn't she know she has to always be same person she was five years ago when they got together?
Load More Replies...
Emilu 5 days ago
Seems kind of petty (IMO) to dump her for her changing her style, but OP has the right to do that if they wish. The GF is her own person though, so OP needs to take her or leave her as she is/as she wants to be. I disagree with OP telling her to wear "normal things" because she can do whatever she wants, but overall NAH, leaning toward OP being TA if I *had* to pick anyone.
Tabitha 5 days ago (edited)
Notice thatOP never once mentions wondering WHY his GF has so drastically changed her style. That should be his first concern. The best case scenario is that it’s just experimentation while in lockdown and not having to go into the office and conform to the office “uniform”. Hell, I took the opportunity of lockdown and WFH to stop wearing makeup and straightening my hair and get my skin healthy again, and my natural waves back. I wouldn’t have been able to do it if I had to conform to the accepted ‘“look” that was the norm where I was working then. My husband was just fine with me saying I was going to take the opportunity to experiment with going barefaced and radically changing and hairstyle from a straightened bob to long waves. I’m glad I did, and my husband has noticed the improvements too. My skin and hair are actually the healthiest they’ve even since I was a teenager. So let the GF experiment for a bit. She may go back to her former look, or retain certain elements of all the new styles she tries on, to change it up a bit. Now, the worst case scenario is if she’s had some kind of fundamental change in her perception of herself, or the stress of COVId and the lockdown have been too much for her, and this “exploration” of new looks is actually her way of acting out. In that case, OP STILL needs to talk to her and try to understand her motivations better. Then he could try to GENTLY direct her toward seeking some help processing that stress in less extreme ways than totally leering her appearance. Regardless of her motivations, the crux of the issue still requires that OP start communicating better and try to get to the actual trigger of the changes, INSTEAD of complaining about them and insulting her appearance. That’s selfish and 100% not helpful. If he really cares about her, THAT is what he should do.
Chrystina Sumpter 5 days ago
I have known my husband for 39 years, married for 24. For most of those years I have worn my hair long and my husband has expressed many times how much he loves my hair long. I mentioned that I was thinking of cutting my hair short and he reacted strongly, telling me I can’t cut my hair. I reminded him, none too gently, that it was my hair and I could do whatever I wanted to it. He sighed and agreed with me, but asked that I warn him ahead of time so he had time to adjust. I did eventually cut my hair short, primarily because I realized that the weight of all that hair was causing/exacerbating my headaches. I did let him know ahead of time and although he did gaze at me sadly for a while afterwards, he got over it. No one stays the same. If a relationship is going to last, you have to accept change.
Space Invader 5 days ago
It's the "She's stopped wearing bras and that's also awkward because I can tell she gets stares" line that slightly rubs me the wrong way. Could it be this is less about not finding her attractive anymore and more about him being jealous of the new attention she now gets?
V 6 days ago
E and my husband started dating in our mid twenties, and that's a bit over 15 years ago now. Both of our senses of style have changed a handful of times during those years. Did I like everything my husband has worn in that time? No. But did I buy him this ugly a*s jacket he'd been eyeing for months, yes. Because our love runs deeper than our sense of style.
Andrei Iepure 6 days ago
So many people run online for things they should decide by themselves. Don't like her new style? Just walk away. It's not that deep. If you don't want to walk away, then it's not that big of an issue.
Skogsrået 5 days ago
Totally agree, if you are so shallow that a change in style from the person you claim to love makes you rethink the relationship then just leave cause they deserve better then a shallow ahole.
Load More Replies... KatSaidThat 5 days ago
YTA - she is experimenting with stuff she never had the confidence to play with before and you are more bothered about how it looks for you. She had a wardrobe update, not a personality transplant.
Austzn 5 days ago
Pretty shallow. What's next; judging her for trying a new food or type of coffee or something? If clothing "means" something that much to the other person, they are the one with the problem.
Scott Rackley 5 days ago
It's went beyond just clothing. If she changed enough that he no longer finds her attractive he should just "tough it out"? If I shave my head and start wearing pasties around, I would expect my GF to not like it.
Load More Replies... Roberta Surprenant 5 days ago
How dare she change and evolve like that! Doesn't she know she has to always be same person she was five years ago when they got together?
Load More Replies... Emilu 5 days ago
Seems kind of petty (IMO) to dump her for her changing her style, but OP has the right to do that if they wish. The GF is her own person though, so OP needs to take her or leave her as she is/as she wants to be. I disagree with OP telling her to wear "normal things" because she can do whatever she wants, but overall NAH, leaning toward OP being TA if I *had* to pick anyone.
Tabitha 5 days ago (edited)
Notice thatOP never once mentions wondering WHY his GF has so drastically changed her style. That should be his first concern. The best case scenario is that it’s just experimentation while in lockdown and not having to go into the office and conform to the office “uniform”. Hell, I took the opportunity of lockdown and WFH to stop wearing makeup and straightening my hair and get my skin healthy again, and my natural waves back. I wouldn’t have been able to do it if I had to conform to the accepted ‘“look” that was the norm where I was working then. My husband was just fine with me saying I was going to take the opportunity to experiment with going barefaced and radically changing and hairstyle from a straightened bob to long waves. I’m glad I did, and my husband has noticed the improvements too. My skin and hair are actually the healthiest they’ve even since I was a teenager. So let the GF experiment for a bit. She may go back to her former look, or retain certain elements of all the new styles she tries on, to change it up a bit. Now, the worst case scenario is if she’s had some kind of fundamental change in her perception of herself, or the stress of COVId and the lockdown have been too much for her, and this “exploration” of new looks is actually her way of acting out. In that case, OP STILL needs to talk to her and try to understand her motivations better. Then he could try to GENTLY direct her toward seeking some help processing that stress in less extreme ways than totally leering her appearance. Regardless of her motivations, the crux of the issue still requires that OP start communicating better and try to get to the actual trigger of the changes, INSTEAD of complaining about them and insulting her appearance. That’s selfish and 100% not helpful. If he really cares about her, THAT is what he should do.
Chrystina Sumpter 5 days ago
I have known my husband for 39 years, married for 24. For most of those years I have worn my hair long and my husband has expressed many times how much he loves my hair long. I mentioned that I was thinking of cutting my hair short and he reacted strongly, telling me I can’t cut my hair. I reminded him, none too gently, that it was my hair and I could do whatever I wanted to it. He sighed and agreed with me, but asked that I warn him ahead of time so he had time to adjust. I did eventually cut my hair short, primarily because I realized that the weight of all that hair was causing/exacerbating my headaches. I did let him know ahead of time and although he did gaze at me sadly for a while afterwards, he got over it. No one stays the same. If a relationship is going to last, you have to accept change.
Space Invader 5 days ago
It's the "She's stopped wearing bras and that's also awkward because I can tell she gets stares" line that slightly rubs me the wrong way. Could it be this is less about not finding her attractive anymore and more about him being jealous of the new attention she now gets?
You May Like Woman Ends Engagement After Fiancé’s Assumption Reveals A Side Of Him She’s Never Seen: “Shocked And Humiliated” “Am I Unreasonable To Want To Leave My Partner Over A Chocolate Cake?” 32 People Spill The Darkest And Most Disturbing Secrets Hidden By Their Partners
Justinas Keturka
Mindaugas Balčiauskas
Justinas Keturka
Related on Bored Panda
29
14