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126 Funny Things To Say That Would Get You On A Comedy Show
Not all of us have been blessed with superb humor or wit as sharp as a whip. Most of us feel caught off-guard when there's a necessity to deliver a funny reconnaissance in a conversation or brighten up the mood. So much so that you might find yourself in very awkward situations, lacking not only funny things to say but things to say at all! Luckily, this pain is shared among many, and plenty of options exist to get out of such a pickle. One of them is to read this list where we've rounded up all the funny expressions. Learn them by heart and use them as a safety net if needed.
You might even use these funny sayings as conversation starters, but be sure to read the room carefully before you do. They might work the best with the people you already know, but those who don't take risks don't drink champagne. Or don't find themselves in a socially awkward situations.
So, dust off your notebook and search for a pen (one that you most likely got for being a loyal customer of your local Chinese joint) to jot down these hilarious, funny random things to say in a conversation. Give the conversion topic you liked the most your vote, and share this article with anyone you'd like!
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#1
Auto-correct should have been named more precisely as auto-assume.
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#2
After Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
#3
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. But a warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
#4
Why aren’t shorts half the price of pants?
#5
Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.
What Are Some Funny Phrases to Say When You're Not Sure How to Respond?
Conversing for those less fortunate in the social world might be hard. It's times like these when funny phrases or silly quotes come into play. Also, nothing will ever beat a batch of funny work quotes if you're at the office.
But there are also occasions when any of the funny sayings will work. So, if you're stuck in a void of awkward silence, try out some trivia questions or spit out a random fact to get the conversation back on track.
#6
I clean my house almost every day. I almost cleaned on Monday, almost cleaned it on Tuesday, almost cleaned it on Wednesday…
#7
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
#9
LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."
#12
If you’re the kind of person that has no good luck, when you see the light at the end of the tunnel… run, because the train is coming.
#14
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
#15
A birth certificate could easily be called a baby receipt.
What Are Some Funny Expressions to Say After Answering the Phone?
Answering our phones is something we do regularly without giving it much thought; however, you can spice up even that. Get some hilarious quotes out, which are more than welcome to include references to anime TV series, Marvel action movies, etc. You can also use these neutral, funny phrases when answering the phone:
- "Go ahead, caller, you're on the air!"
- "Bob's crematorium, you kill 'em, we grill 'em."
- "This is me, is this you?"
- "Goodbye."
- "Hippity Hoppity, what's Poppity?"
- "Is it done?"
Of course, don't go answering phones in your office with a "moshi moshi"; that probably wouldn't get you an "employee of the month" award. But to your friends and family, it would be an excellent start to a conversation.
#16
9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I’m crazy. The tenth is just playing drums.
#17
My head is very slowly 3D printing my hair.
#18
If you put one lasagna on top of another one, you still have just one lasagna.
#19
There is too much emphasis on the early bird's good luck and not enough on the early worm's bad luck.
#20
If you think no one cares whether you're alive or dead, just skip a handful of credit card payments.
#21
If we were on a plane about to crash and only had one parachute, I promise I'd give an amazing speech at your funeral.
#22
Just take my advice because I’m not going to use it.
John Lattanzio 4 years ago
Personally, I learn from the mistakes of people who take my advice...
#23
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
#24
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s just impossible to put down.
#25
Earth is like the insane asylum for the universe.
What Are Some Funny Random Things to Say in a Conversation After Starting With "Guess What"?
You never know what to expect after hearing "Guess what?". It might be some excellent news, a revelation, or something so out of context that you struggle to understand. And that's the joy of it! The suspense following the inquiry and the relief after finally finding out what's that "what." You can serve up something new in your life this way, dashing it with a little bit of comedy quotes and spicing up the otherwise regular conversation.
#26
It's difficult to do nothing because you never know when you're done.
Roberta Bray-Enhus 4 years ago
That’s not true. I always know when I’m done with doing nothing
#27
Refusing to go to the gym is one of the best forms of resistance training.
#28
Whatever is eating you must be really hungry.
#29
The devil shakes a pitchfork, the grim reaper swings a scythe… farming must be a big thing in hell.
#30
If you lend someone money and never see them again, it was probably worth every penny.
#32
I sold my vacuum cleaner because all it was doing was gathering dust.
#33
I would really like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
#34
I had used up all of my sick leave, so I called in dead.
#35
The secret for a good relationship is not having one.
#36
Isn't it strange that cigarettes are sold in gas stations, since smoking is prohibited there?
#37
Love must truly be blind because it can’t see me at all.
#40
Running in place will get you nowhere fast.
#42
Bullets are the only things on Earth that do their job after they’ve been fired.
#43
Whisper audibly to yourself while someone recalls an experience, “Just like in my dream!”
#47
I've always thought air was free. That is, I did until I went out and bought a $3 bag of crisps.
#49
Please excuse my naivety. I was born at a very early age.
#52
I don't really need a hairstylist since my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
OtterGold Mistwalker 4 years ago
It's time to get a haircut when I frighten myself in the morning.
#55
I don't understand how people can be so open-minded. Whenever I try, my brain keeps falling out.
#57
If a market is well stocked, is it called the stock market?
Telepathetic 4 years ago
If you own a lot of beef stock, chicken stock and vegetable stock are you a Bouillon-Aire ?
#58
I was looking for the good side of life but concluded that life is a sphere.
#60
If history repeats itself, I'm getting a pet dinosaur.
#61
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let my wife sleep.
#62
My friendship is not for sale, but we can talk about a short-term rental.
#63
The next time you buy a donut, complain that there’s a hole in it.
Glen Moore 4 years ago
Now, I've gotta get in my car, drive like 10 miles to Tim Hortons, just so I can use this joke, it took me like a month to finally use this one; when the cashier asks whether I would like my milk in a bag, I said "no, please just leave it in the jug", then I laughed and laughed and laughed
#64
Dogs can't see inside your body, but CAT scan.
#65
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a mural worth?
#69
Barbie is so popular and yet, kids still buy friends for her.
Brianna Bacic 4 years ago
But that's why she's so popular - can't be popular if they didn't make friends for her
#70
You're in the wrong lane when everything is coming at you.
Jessica Allred 4 years ago
And even if you are in the right lane, you'll still get run over if you aren't moving forward.
#71
Why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator if you're not supposed to eat at night?
#72
If I won the prize of laziest person, I’d ask somebody to go get it for me.
#73
There’s only one thing that is worse than waking up early: a holiday on a Sunday.
#74
Tell a friend, “I had a dream about you last night. You did terrible things.”
#75
Always remember that you’re unique... just like everyone else is.
Brianna Bacic 4 years ago
As Michael Scott would say - my mom says average people are the most special people and that's why God made so many of them!
#76
I’m out of my mind. I’ll be back in five minutes.
#77
It is impossible to dig half of a hole.
Mason reimroc 4 years ago (edited)
My grampa says "if it take u a day and a half to dig a hole and a half how long does it take u to dig half a hole".
#78
I had a sweet side, but I ate it.
#80
My tallest finger loves giving people standing ovations.
#81
A cookie a day keeps your sadness away, but an entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
#82
How does the non-stick coating stick to the pan?
#83
Whoever said you can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop!
#84
The only thing I get out of Algebra is when I look at X and wonder Y.
#86
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
#87
What if every country has its own ninjas but we only know about the Japanese ninjas because they are the worst?
#88
Kids believe in fairy tales. I’ve moved on to soap operas and political speeches.
#89
I took the road less traveled by. Thanks a lot, Google Maps!
#90
Every person should marry an archeologist, because the older person gets, the more they'll love them.
#91
Is cardboard more board than card or more card than board?
#92
If you are on a diet, the first three letters of that word are probably feeling pretty accurate right now.
#98
A bed is basically a shelf for the body.
#99
Gossipy? I’m just an historian of other people’s lives!
#101
I promise to step on your feet if you dance with me.
#102
I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once.
#104
I said ‘No’ to drugs, but they wouldn’t listen.
#105
I’ll have a bloody mary because they say it helps cure hangovers.
#106
My hair hurts.
Muhammad Farabi 4 years ago
In Quebec/France you'd say this if you have a hangover (mal de cheveux)
#107
Don’t beat yourself up. A new beginning is only a new chance for failure.
#109
I am going to get my toe nail-pierced this Friday.
#110
I tried rearranging the alphabet, but for some reason, the letters U and I would never separate.
#111
What is the soul good for if laughter is good for the soul?
#112
If I tried to look as attractive as all of the celebrities I like, I'd end up looking about as ugly as I am.
#113
I’d be happy to give you a shoulder to cry on, except I don’t want my shoulder to get wet.
#114
Every single thing in this world is either a motorbike or not a motorbike.
#115
Laziness is the mother of all vices, and as a mother, she deserves to be respected.
#116
Please don’t eat that in my presence. I get sympathy gas.
#117
I'm so glad we have brown cows, otherwise there wouldn’t be any chocolate milk.
#119
If someone gets plastered just where do you find the plaster?
Jessica Allred 4 years ago
It's at the bottom of the glass. The more they drink the more plastered they become.
#120
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Marek Čtrnáct 4 years ago
Is there any word in English that IS? The unholy alliance of Gutenberg and Shakespeare broke the language long ago.
#121
Is there a connection between candy corn and corn nuts?
#122
Those who sneezes are the most blessed.
#124
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s exactly what you are looking for, go live with a car battery.
Jessica Allred 4 years ago
Except that you have an estimate for how long the battery will last. And they're a lot less expensive to replace.
#125
Why aren't coffees served on a coffee table?
Caliban Taylor 4 years ago
They used to be! You can see how they used to be used in Golden Girls reruns!
