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DIL Stands Her Ground On Keeping Maiden Name, FIL’s Outburst Leaves Her Crying
Getting married is supposed to be about love, commitment, and possibly arguing over where to put the air fryer in the kitchen. But for one newlywed, the biggest post-wedding controversy wasn’t about honeymoon plans or finances, it was about her last name.
Today’s Original Poster (OP) and her husband had agreed before marriage that she would keep her maiden name, but her in-laws had a very different idea. And let’s just say, things got heated.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
Many things could lead to friction after a wedding, but it’s not every day it’s caused by a last name change or the lack thereof
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The author and her husband had agreed that she would be keeping her last name after they got married
Image credits: pianohog
Image credits: picjumbo.com / Pexels (not the actual photo)
She didn’t think she would have to tell anyone, but she once mentioned it to her sister-in-law
Image credits: pianohog
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko / Pexels (not the actual photo)
By the time she and her husband visited his parents, they knew she didn’t take on their last name and they were deeply upset about it
Image credits: pianohog
They told her she was being difficult by not taking up their last name, which would gain her respect in society, but she had her reasons
Before tying the knot, the OP and her husband had a straightforward agreement that she would keep her maiden name. No drama, no objections. But what they didn’t anticipate was that the rest of the family might have strong opinions about it. The OP hadn’t explicitly announced her decision to anyone else because she assumed it wasn’t necessary.
At the wedding itself, the pastor kept it simple and avoided their last names altogether. However, at some point, the OP casually mentioned her choice to her sister-in-law. Whether it was an innocent slip or a bit of pot-stirring on the sister-in-law’s part, word quickly spread to the in-laws, who were far from pleased.
Not long after the wedding, the OP and her husband were invited to a family gathering which quickly turned into an unexpected interrogation. Her father-in-law launched into a speech about how prestigious their last name was and how it would automatically earn the OP respect in his community.
When she explained her reasons which had to do with the hassle that would come with changing her last name, its uniqueness, and also for her brand, they were all dismissed. Her mother-in-law and father-in-law countered her arguments with comparisons to other family members who had changed their names, implying that she was being difficult. Feeling unheard and overwhelmed, the OP walked out on them.
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Maggie Sottero explains on their website that the decision to change one’s last name after marriage is entirely personal, with valid reasons for both choices. Some individuals indeed keep their maiden name because it is unique or has sentimental value, while others maintain it for professional reasons, as rebranding under a new name can be challenging.
According to Flor-Ala, the tradition of women taking their husbands’ last names dates back to the Norman conquest of England and was rooted in the legal doctrine of coverture. This law effectively erased a woman’s separate legal identity upon marriage, making her part of her husband’s household.
Today, however, women have more autonomy over their names, with options like keeping their maiden name, hyphenating both names, or even creating a new last name. However, this historical context explains why some older generations are uncomfortable when a woman decides to keep her last name.
Netizens were focused on the OP’s lack of intervention, and Bustle indicates it could be a problem in a marriage when one partner doesn’t defend their spouse in moments of conflict. They acknowledge that standing up to family can feel more complicated due to feelings of loyalty.
However, a strong relationship requires a united front, even if one partner disagrees in the moment. Avoiding conflict doesn’t always mean disrespect, but consistently failing to support a spouse can damage trust.
Netizens affirmed that the OP wasn’t wrong in the situation, pointing out that her father-in-law’s insistence outdated and controlling, Others advised her to stop trying to please people who clearly don’t respect her decision.
What do you think about this situation? Do you think a woman should feel obligated to take her husband’s last name, or is it entirely a personal choice? We would love to hear your thoughts!
The father-in-law insisted the author was being disrespectful to the name, but netizens maintained he was the one being disrespectful to her name
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What do you think ?
superfluous 9 months ago
I am flabbergasted she needs an excuse to keep her name! It is HER NAME! And to have to justify it to her father in law? Seriously? NONE OF HIS F*****G BUSINESS. Period.
ThisIsMe 9 months ago
NTA. When my husband and I got married, we agreed I wouldn't change my name because I was well establish in my career and the only child of an only remaining son, so the name meant a lot to me and my dad. My husband's large family refused to acknowledge this, even when told. They sent me birthday cards addressed to wrong name, introduced me to people at events by wrong name, etc. I guess they got tired of being corrected in public, because it eventually stopped. 20 years later well after my father had passed, I decided to change my name. How did my in-laws respond? Speculated behind our backs that one of us had cheated and I was trying to save the marriage! We are now LC or NC with most of his family.
Binky Melnik 9 months ago
Ha! You can’t win, can you? It looks as if no matter what you do, you’re wrong in their eyes. I totally get why you’re LC/NC with those crazy people!
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FreeTheUnicorn 9 months ago
It's your name. You should be able to keep it, change pronounce it however you want because it means you. Anyone who suggests otherwise, asks you to justify your own name or argues about it, is disrespecting you and who you choose to be. Go NC until they show basic human respect.
superfluous 9 months ago
I am flabbergasted she needs an excuse to keep her name! It is HER NAME! And to have to justify it to her father in law? Seriously? NONE OF HIS F*****G BUSINESS. Period.
ThisIsMe 9 months ago
NTA. When my husband and I got married, we agreed I wouldn't change my name because I was well establish in my career and the only child of an only remaining son, so the name meant a lot to me and my dad. My husband's large family refused to acknowledge this, even when told. They sent me birthday cards addressed to wrong name, introduced me to people at events by wrong name, etc. I guess they got tired of being corrected in public, because it eventually stopped. 20 years later well after my father had passed, I decided to change my name. How did my in-laws respond? Speculated behind our backs that one of us had cheated and I was trying to save the marriage! We are now LC or NC with most of his family.
Binky Melnik 9 months ago
Ha! You can’t win, can you? It looks as if no matter what you do, you’re wrong in their eyes. I totally get why you’re LC/NC with those crazy people!
Load More Replies... FreeTheUnicorn 9 months ago
It's your name. You should be able to keep it, change pronounce it however you want because it means you. Anyone who suggests otherwise, asks you to justify your own name or argues about it, is disrespecting you and who you choose to be. Go NC until they show basic human respect.
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