Couple At Breaking Point After Horrid Accident: “I’m Making Her Choose Between Me And The Kids”
Being on the same page when it comes to anything from politics to life goals, from finances to intimacy is crucial for making your relationship work. The same, however, applies to having children. And if there’s a sudden change of heart in this department, it can be a cause for some serious turbulence.
As u/aita-frazzledfiance shared in his story, everything matched except for one significant event: the fiancée’s perspective on becoming a mother shifted after a tragic accident that left her niece and nephew orphaned. Not wanting to be a heartless monster for refusing to take in the grieving kids under his roof but also not wanting his life changed because of the sudden turn of events, the author, feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place, turned to the Am I The [Jerk] community for additional perspective on the matter.
After an unexpected turn of events, a person had to choose between becoming a parent against his will or sabotaging his current relationship
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
Image credits: LightFieldStudios (not the actual photo)
Image source: aita-frazzledfiance
If you’ve ever been in a committed, all-possible-strings-attached relationship, you must know that one of the most important ingredients is a handy little word called “compromise.” Whether it’s a split decision between prioritizing Oppenheimer or Barbie on its opening night, or choosing between Indian and Italian for dinner, it’s only inevitable that sometimes you’ll have to compromise in order for things to have its “forever after…”
Of course, these are all trivial things that don’t mean that much in the long run. A bruised ego, at most. And when you’re in that blissful stage of romantic discovery à la honeymoon phase, boy, you could swear that you’ll do anything it takes for you to be together. Even if means following your soulmate into uncharted waters or abandoning your dream job.
Speaking about relationship compromises, Statista Research Department published a fascinating study on the subject matter. According to its findings, among American men and women, 24% of respondents stated that they would be willing to leave their profession for their love, with converting to their partner’s religion or forgetting about their friends and families following behind with 10% and 11% respectively. Still, the majority of respondents (32%) said they’d move abroad if it was necessary.
Image credits: Timur Weber (not the actual photo)
Understandably, when we enter a relationship, we hope that we’ll get to reach our “forever after…” with the same person we fell for. Of course, that’s wishful thinking, and not entirely conceivable. “If someone marries their partner for them to stay the same,” Michele Paiva, a licensed psychotherapist specializing in finance therapy, told Bored Panda, “they are in for a huge surprise. Couples need to realize that a relationship is never stagnant. People change and evolve.”
However true that might be, it’s undeniably difficult to grasp for the partner if that development, no matter how great it is, gets in the way of the future you once envisioned together. “A partner’s polar-opposite stance on once-agreed-upon decisions can make the other partner feel betrayed, let down, and stressed. Suddenly, they wonder who this stranger is that they married,” Paiva explained.
So what should you do if you find yourself stuck in u/aita-frazzledfiance’s position, feeling like there’s no easy way out of it? As cliché as it might sound, Paiva says hearing our your partner’s motivations and feelings is the key to solving this conundrum. “Both partners should feel that their feelings and decisions are respected even in disagreement,” she said. “Both should feel it is safe to be honest.” In other words, no need to judge. And if only after everything is said and done and there’s still no compromise in hindsight, “then you need to be honest with yourself and have some uncomfortable conversations.”
The OP gave extra details in the comments
Most people thought that no one should be judged for doing something what’s in their best interest
Some, meanwhile, sided with the OP for standing his ground
However, some people didn’t shy away from pointing out how apathetic his decision is
And once again someone confuses "Is it my right/my job" with AITA. It is your perfect right to back out of that situation, it is not your job to raise those kids. But offering absolutely zero support or empathy towards someone in need, especially someone you claim to care about, especially if they have not brought that situation upon themselves, does generally mean you are quite an AH, no matter what the specific situation is.
If I were his fiancee I'd leave no matter what now. He's shown a complete lack of empathy and it would make me worry about what would happen of I contracted a terminal illness. Would he just leave cause it's inconvenient for him?
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On a side note: OP said they had many discussions about having (their own) kids before getting engaged. But if both parties were adamant about a child free life, there wouldn't have been many discussions. It sounds like he's firm on this point, but perhaps she is not so sure. I don't think they would have been compatible in the long run.
In my thirties, I decided I was not going to have children, but if something had happened to my sister and brother in law I would have raised my niece without thinking twice. You can plan your life as much as you want, but s**t happens.
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And once again someone confuses "Is it my right/my job" with AITA. It is your perfect right to back out of that situation, it is not your job to raise those kids. But offering absolutely zero support or empathy towards someone in need, especially someone you claim to care about, especially if they have not brought that situation upon themselves, does generally mean you are quite an AH, no matter what the specific situation is.
If I were his fiancee I'd leave no matter what now. He's shown a complete lack of empathy and it would make me worry about what would happen of I contracted a terminal illness. Would he just leave cause it's inconvenient for him?
Load More Replies... On a side note: OP said they had many discussions about having (their own) kids before getting engaged. But if both parties were adamant about a child free life, there wouldn't have been many discussions. It sounds like he's firm on this point, but perhaps she is not so sure. I don't think they would have been compatible in the long run.
In my thirties, I decided I was not going to have children, but if something had happened to my sister and brother in law I would have raised my niece without thinking twice. You can plan your life as much as you want, but s**t happens.
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