People Are Convinced That Those Who Do These 41 Things Are Not Mature

According to BACP member Rawlinson, developing emotional intelligence is a process involving self-awareness, empathy, and genuine openness to personal growth. She shared some steps that we can all take in our day-to-day lives.

“Practice self-reflection and expand emotional vocabulary. Becoming more in tune with your emotions starts with regularly checking in with yourself. Setting aside time each day—whether through journaling, meditation or simply pausing to ask, ‘What am I feeling right now?’—helps cultivate self-awareness,” she explained to Bored Panda.

“However, many people struggle to accurately name their emotions, which can make it harder to process or communicate them effectively. Expanding your emotional vocabulary can be incredibly helpful. A great tool for this is The Feelings Wheel, which breaks broad emotions down into more nuanced categories. For example, instead of just saying ‘I feel upset,’ you might recognize that you actually feel sad, angry, humiliated, or disappointed. The more precise we can be with our emotions, the better we can understand and manage them,” she said.

Something else that we can do to grow our emotional intelligence is to cultivate deep listening skills. “There are two key elements to being a good listener: being fully present and being agenda-free,” Rawlinson said.

“Being fully present means putting your phone away and focusing entirely on the other person. Pay attention to their body language and show genuine interest by asking open-ended questions. It can be tempting to jump in and complete their sentences, but emotional maturity involves patience—allowing others to find their own words and speak at their own pace. One of the most powerful ways to show someone that you’ve truly heard them is through mirroring—repeating back their key thoughts and emotions using their own language.”

Meanwhile, being agenda-free means putting your own wants, needs, and opinions aside for the duration of the conversation. “When we listen with an agenda—whether it’s to fix, convince, or insert our own experience—we often focus more on formulating our response than on truly hearing the other person. This can make people feel unheard or defensive. Being a good listener isn’t about knowing exactly what to say—it’s about knowing exactly what the other person is saying,” the therapist explained to Bored Panda.

Another approach to consider is embracing the power of ‘both/and.’ “Many people tend to think of emotions in black-and-white terms, believing they can either be happy or sad, calm or angry. But emotionally intelligent people understand that it’s completely normal—and even healthy—to experience seemingly conflicting emotions at the same time.”

Rawlinson gave a few examples of this: “When someone dies, you might feel both sad about the loss and thankful for the memories you shared. When you start a new job, you might feel both excited for a fresh start and disappointed to leave your old colleagues. You might be angry at your ex but also miss them deeply. More than one thing can be true at the same time, and learning to hold space for these complexities is a key part of emotional growth.”

Vulnerability holds a lot of power, too. “At its most concrete, vulnerability involves sharing the true parts of ourselves that we fear may result in rejection or judgment. It might mean telling someone that you feel depressed, admitting that someone has hurt your feelings, or expressing romantic interest in another person,” Rawlinson said.

“Vulnerability can feel uncomfortable, even risky, but it’s a risk worth taking if we want to build authentic relationships. Emotionally mature people understand that vulnerability isn’t a weakness—it’s the foundation of deep, meaningful connections. When we express our vulnerability, we are more likely to be perceived as authentic, honest, and relatable. People appreciate vulnerability. It signals trust, invites support, and adds depth to our relationships.”

Meanwhile, we also wanted to figure out why someone might pretend to be more emotionally mature than they actually are. According to Rawlinson, this can happen for various reasons, whether consciously or without the person even realizing they’re doing it. “Emotional maturity is widely valued in personal and professional settings, so there can be a strong incentive to perform it rather than truly embody it,” she said.

For instance, the person might mistake being attuned to others’ emotions for emotional maturity. “One of the biggest misconceptions about emotional intelligence is that it’s primarily about understanding other people’s emotions. Some people pride themselves on being highly empathetic, reading social cues well, or offering advice to others, and they take this as evidence of their own emotional maturity. But real emotional intelligence isn’t just about recognizing emotions in others—it’s about understanding, processing, and regulating your own emotions, too.”

Furthermore, the person might fake emotional maturity to be seen as wise or evolved. “Emotional intelligence is increasingly associated with self-awareness, wisdom, and even social status. Some people may want to present themselves as enlightened or highly evolved, especially in spaces where personal development is valued. They might use the right terminology (e.g., ‘I’m setting a boundary,’ ‘That’s just my attachment style,’ or ‘I’ve done the inner work’) without actually engaging in the difficult emotional processing that real growth requires,” Rawlinson explained to Bored Panda.

“With the rise of self-help content online, people are exposed to more psychological terms and personal development concepts than ever before. While this can be positive, it also makes it easier for people to adopt the language of emotional intelligence without deeply integrating it into their lives. They may use buzzwords like ‘trauma response,’ ‘boundaries,’ and ‘self-awareness’ but struggle to actually apply these concepts in their own relationships.”

According to the therapist, the difference between and performed emotional maturity often comes down to humility. “Emotionally mature people are willing to admit when they’re still growing, while those pretending to be mature often present themselves as already having all the answers.”

If you live in the United Kingdom and are considering counseling, you can take a look through the BACP’s therapist directory. Meanwhile, feel free to visit therapist Rawlinson's website and take a look at her book, Reclaiming You.