O, Dwight, however much we love you! Thine quirks, thine wisdom, thine unmatched grit! Thou art probably the greatest TV series character ever that gives us, the socially ungraceful introverts, at least a smidgen of bravery in being as non-conforming as we like to be. Well, you might’ve gotten the gist by now - we cannot get enough of Dwight Kurt Schrute III, and he’s at the very top of our list of the most beloved fictional characters ever. And thus, we’ve created a whole list of Dwight Schrute quotes and now are sharing it with you!
Unlike the rest of The Office characters, Dwight is much more multi-layered. In fact, although he’s probably the weirdest person you’ve ever met on screen due to the complexity of his character, Dwight’s also probably the most real of them all. And just read some of his wise quotes! All of his phrases will make you laugh the hardest but will also carry a message about dignity, authenticity, bravery, and loyalty. You know, the things that make humans human. And did we mention that some of them are just hilariously funny quotes? We did? Well, no harm in repeating it, then.
Now, prepare yourself beetroot tartar to go with these wonderful quotes - a combo to die for! Once you’re done reading them, give the best ones your vote, and if you’d like a bit more, then read our The Office quotes article, too! Oh, and also, don’t forget to share these funny Dwight Schrute quotes with anyone who seems to be a bit down these days - it will surely improve their disposition!
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“I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”
I had that happen to me too... but it turned into my neighbor... I got in way more trouble
"I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends."
"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
"People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck."
"R is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not muckduck."
Michael Scott: “Why do you have a diary?”
Dwight: “To keep secrets from my computer.”
“If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.”
"Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually, Jim is my enemy..."
"There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately, I spoke to Oscar on the phone, so none of this is useful."
I Shall Know. I Am Invincible Mind-Reading Lap Cactus. and sacred Lap Cactus sees All.
“Do I have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yes. February 14th.”
"When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her."
"Who is Justice Beaver?"
This from an episode in 2011 and you'd have to be an Office fan to enjoy this. As I understand it, Jim wanted to play a prank and told Dwight he was going to offer free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert and provide a phone number to call to claim the tickets. The phone number to call was Todd Packer's (yuck!). Dwight's response was 'Who is Justice Beaver"? And - that's how Justice Beaver was born. Justice Beaver has had a great life, including being a supreme court member, a crime fighting hero, another name for make-up sex, etc., etc.
"In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me, and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead."
“You only live once? False. You live every day. You only die once.”
"There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague."
"I am fast. To give you a reference point, I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… and a panther."
"I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly."
"I am better than you have ever been or ever will be."
Yeah, I've worked for people with this level of confidence. Emphasis on 'worked'.
"Not everything is a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail."
"Always the Padawan, never the Jedi."
"Today, smoking is going to save lives."
"As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical."
"I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart."
“Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.”
"Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when you're gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone."
"Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller, should be indestructible."
"Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision."
“Michael always says, ‘K-I-S-S: keep it simple, stupid.’ Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.”
"You couldn’t handle my undivided attention."
"Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!"
"I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors."
“How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.”
“It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis. The person who I most medium suspect.”
"You know, I really would’ve appreciated a heads up that you were into dating mothers. I would’ve introduced you to mine."
“Can’t a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they’ll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Jeez. When did everyone get so cynical?”
"Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so badass!"
"You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize."
"Blink once if you want me to pull the plug."
To be successful, one must create fail safe plans. Blinking is an semi-autonomic response. The plugs gonna get pulled...
“And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t."
“PowerPoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.”
“Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence.”
“To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this. Maybe they have something against living forever.”
“Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.”
“Once I’m officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So, I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.”
"First rule in roadside beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, 'Wow. I need this beet right now.' Those are the money beets."
"I’m a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I’m better at hiding than they are at vision."
"Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR."
"I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
"Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
“Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.”
“There are three things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.”
“There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory.”
“As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy, I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out… she was. With a couple of guys actually, so… mystery solved.”
“I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted. I’m sorry, only part of me meant that. He’d probably end up a hero there, anyway.”
“OK. When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher could ever copy.”
"We, Schrutes, don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness."
"Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player. Or her husband."
"There are several ways to kill a zombie. But the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick."
"All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter.”
"Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her, and I will bring her to you. And as God as my witness, she shall bear your fruit."
"Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."
"Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate twice the speed of a normal man's."
"Listen up, kid! I don't like you. But because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights."
“Jim told me you could buy gaydar online.”
“Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.”
“When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.”
“Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”
“Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma! In the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.”
“Schrute Farms is very easy to find. It’s right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you’ve gone too far.”
"No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes."
"You can't get flowers for someone who's in a coma. They'll wilt before he wakes up."
"Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors."
“I really like Andy these days. He’s pretended, and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we’re in for an epic, confusing showdown.”
“Now that I own the building, I’m looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center? Muahahahahahahahaha. Well, I guess it’s not an evil idea, it’s just a regular idea, but there’s no good laugh for a regular idea.”
“I always knew I would be destroyed by my own creation, but honestly, I thought it would be that bull that Mose and I are trying to reanimate.”
"That butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but I don’t think it’s kicked in yet. I’m gonna count down from ten. Ten, nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple."
"Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would be chaos."
"For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it to find himself... in jail!"
"I will never be happier than I am right now. I will also never be less happy. I will be at my current maximum happiness for the rest of my life. Because I am manager of the Scranton Branch of Dunder Mifflin. Acting Manager."
"Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender."
"Salesman is king. As the best salesman, I am king of kings. Oh, you say Jesus is king of kings? Well. What does that say to you about how I think of myself?"
"The geometric proportions of my face are perfect in every way but one. My nose is too small. I mean, it still works. I can smell things. I just have to be much closer than most people."
"If a vampire bat was in the U.S. It would make sense for it to come to a "Sylvania," like Pennsylvania. Now, that doesn't mean that Jim is gonna become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ."
"Ah, French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat."
"There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep!"
"My perfect Valentine’s Day? I’m at home. Three cell phones in front of me. Fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago."
"I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides."
"That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed."
"The Schrutes have a word for when everything in a man's life comes together perfectly. Perfectenschlag. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate. I am assembling a competent team. I am likely a father. I am so deep inside of perfectenschlag right now."
“It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.”
“The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. Whatever. I’m over it. It’s just grossly irresponsible.”
Oscar: “Don’t you want to see the baby?”
Dwight: “Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.”
“When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”
“In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.”
“I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. ‘Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks… they come when you least expect it.”
“They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!”
“The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel.”
“I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.”
"With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.”
“At first, I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean, the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?”
“Listen up, Flenderson, you’re being weak and ineffectual. I’m cowboying this meeting, OK! Here are the new rules, OK? Earth tones only. Also, women are forbidden to wear pants.”
“When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine.”
“Yes, I am taking Andy hunting after work. Not long ago we were sexual competitors. I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. I studied him, to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do.”
“There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn’t destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died.”
“Schrutes don’t celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality and then, moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year!”
“He’s gone. I miss him so much. Oh, I cry myself to sleep, Jim. False. I do not miss him.”
"The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others; supreme. That’s great. If I wanted the dictionary definition, I’d buy a dictionary. I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order; supreme.”
"I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me, but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them."
"If Jim has bedbugs, that means they're everywhere. I can't risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200 year old mattresses."
"I wanna have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything."
"What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless."
"In the Schrute family, the youngest child raises the others. I’ve been raising children since I was a baby."
"I'm going to live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Mannheim is 103, and still puttering around down in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation."
Erin: "Dwight, what a ridiculous, fancy clown you are."
Dwight: "I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died."
"In a head-to-head contest, people prefer Belsnickel over Santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. It was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel."
"The Schrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. It makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair."
"Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger and Tonto and Bonto."
