“Man up.” That’s the ‘advice’ that some guys end up hearing from their family and friends when they’re not acting ‘manly’ enough because they’re showing ‘too many’ emotions. And, frankly, it’s the kind of advice that ends up doing more harm than good. Unconditional love and support are what strengthens a person; toxic masculinity is what leads to real problems in the future.
A teenager who goes by the name imaginehavingIFunny on Reddit shared his story about how he cried after not getting into a soccer team. It was a pretty big blow to him and, naturally, he was upset. And while his mom and his sisters comforted him, his dad had a different attitude to the entire situation. A big fight followed full of accusations of the teen supposedly not being enough of a man.
You can read through the 16-year-old’s full story below, dear Pandas, and be sure to share your thoughts and opinions about what happened. Toxic masculinity can have a whole host of negative effects on mental health, including leading to depression. Be sure to read on for Bored Panda’s interview about how to tackle cases of extreme depression and feelings of isolation below.
A dad told his son to “man up” and stop crying because he didn’t get into a soccer team
Image credits: kate_sept2004 (not the actual photo)
The teenager’s dad scolded him for “not doing enough” to get on the soccer team. He then went on to give the teen advice on how to be more athletic and take care of his diet more, even though he was already following that advice.
What’s more, the dad then went on to say that he never cried like his son when he was young, that it was “stupid” to cry over a thing like this, and that it was time that he ‘manned up.’ What followed was a long argument and afterward, the teen ignored his dad for a week straight. Reddit overwhelmingly supported the teen, saying that he did nothing wrong for showing his dad that he was upset with how he reacted.
There are some very dangerous mental health concerns linked to toxic masculinity. HealthLine states that men adhering to toxic masculinity tend to harm their physical and mental health, which contributes to poor sleep and depression.
Men, just like women, experience depression, anxiety, and mental illness. However, men are traditionally told to keep their emotions in check and to not share their problems with others, as it’s seen as being ‘weak.’ As a result of the stigma around addressing mental health, men are much more likely to die by suicide than women, according to VeryWellMind.
Taking care of your mental health is incredibly important
Bored Panda spoke about depression, suicidal thoughts, and feelings of isolation with Emma Morton from the University of British Columbia. Emma told Bored Panda that it’s vital that you seek professional support if you’re not certain that you can keep yourself safe when experiencing suicidal thoughts.
“Like any other health crisis, there may be times when you need the support of a doctor or health professional to navigate the situation safely. However, it can be hard to know what to do when you are in the middle of overwhelming and distressing thoughts, so coming up with a safety plan ahead of time with important phone numbers (such as a crisis hotline or trusted friend), ways to keep the environment safe (e.g., removing means of suicide or substances that can increase your risk like alcohol), and strategies that can help distract or soothe you is important,” Emma explained how people ought to act in times of crisis.
According to Emma, something like making a physical ‘hope box’ full of things that are soothing or distracting can help. Something that you could add inside are notes with reasons to keep living. What’s more, thinking about how you would help your friends through depression and difficult patches in life can give you yourself reasons to keep going despite how difficult life might be at the moment.
“In the long run, working with a psychologist or other mental health professionals to identify healthy ways to cope with stress and develop more flexible and self-compassionate thought patterns is key to maintaining good mental health,” Emma said that working through mental health issues, whatever their source, is a long-term project.
Here’s how some Reddit users reacted to the teenager’s story about his argument with his dad
Men are human beings and have feelings too! Toxic Masculinity needs to end! I have nothing but respect for any brave man who shows their feelings.
You have every right to cry if you're sad, regardless of your gender. You can smile when you're happy. You can frown when you're mad or upset. You can worry if you're scared. You can make a strange face if you're genuinely disgusted. And you can cry when you're sad. There's a big difference between crying when you're sad and crying all the time about every single thing that disappoints you. Crying when you're sad is A-ok, and in fact encouraged by me. It's healthy to get a few tears out sometimes. When people (male or female) cry about every little thing, then I can see why people have a problem, but crying when you don't get into a game team? Go right ahead!
aren't there like b-teams and c-teams to give everybody the opportunity to play at their level?
OK, you win the Non Sequitur of The Day award.
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Am I the a hole for thinking that bored panda shouldn't have these self validating posts that don't do anything to help anyone and there is no closure. PS: Yes his dad needs to figure out what it means to be a man and no the kid isn't an a hole. I just don't think this should be on BP
There is a big difference between crying because the emotion is too strong and crying out of whim or frustration by reacting like a spoiled child. In this case, we don't know enough to form an opinion, or at least personally I would be very careful not to decide one way or the other.
As always with these, we know only one side of the story. However, this young man describes a deep disappointment with how his father talked to him. Regardless of what was talked and in which way, a parent ought to take that seriously. Besides, to "man up" is almost exclusively used in a toxic context. That men shall "man up" but women are not asked to "women up" suggests a fundamental difference in how emotion is perceived and how it affects the two sexes. I do not think there is any psychological backing for this. Of course, humans need to balance letting emotions flow and being self-controlled. Crying because you spilled a drop of water onto your jacket likely is unwarranted. However, the OP does not describe himself as overly emotional. We cannot judge if crying because of the rejection was warranted or not, but it obviously deeply hurt him. This should be accepted unconditionally by those who love him.
The father should also factor in that at 16 years, few people are emotionally stable, as they still seek for their place in life. (Do we really ever stop doing that?) The father's speech on how to practice even harder can come as a motivation, but only if he first unconditionally takes his son seriously. Asking his son to change his behaviour because of his gender is just crap.
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Crying is normal. Crying is human. Crying is sane. And, FYI, my hubby cries, he's currently over 50, and I am *honored* he feels safe enough to cry with me/in my presence, so.... Men cry. Women cry. Kids cry. Just cry. It's okay. It really is.
Spend one whole day crying for not being selected to play sports ... is not normal in a mature person
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Pretty sure OG post will not read this but if you, or anybody else in this position and of similar age, does read this: I am a 50 yr old individual who has constantly been bashed by my father. Literally just today received a message saying that i have a father but he doesn't have children. And it hurts to hear him think that. It's manipulative and "toxic". It hurts because i love him and he's my blood. It's a constant struggle to take distance and maybe to be brave enough to cut ties. Life is given to you but it's yours to live. You don't owe your parents anything. Don't choose things which don't choose you. Rise up! Much love
In short: Love, but from a *safe* distance. It hurts but it's what we need to do sometimes. *fist bump*
Load More Replies... OK Devil's advocate here. You are NTA for crying and being upset. That's a human condition we all share, we cry when we are upset. OK that settled. Your said in your statement that your Dad came to you when you were crying and at first tried to comfort you and show you how you could have done more. Maybe he didn't go to psychiatry school and learn how to handle this type of conflict but he was reaching out to you and trying. A toxicly masculine male would not have done that. His ideas about men not crying and all are toxic but he is not. He was simply passing on to you what he was told/taught. That does not make him bad, on the contrary it hurt him to see you crying and he was trying to help. Now this generation has figured out that the stereotype of a manly man is total bs and unreasonable in a real world situation but he was giving you what he thought was fatherly advise. That makes him a caring father, it doesn't make him right but he cares and therefor deserves your care.
I respectfully disagree, simply because the dad is the adult, and so should be the one to say, "Son, wow, I shouldn't have said such a thing, that wasn't okay", right? Adult has the responsibility, not the kid. The kid didn't say he hates his dad, but it's not okay to pressure him into being okay when he is NOT okay. That message reinforces that he is in the wrong, when his dad, as an adult, has also had a week to med the breach. Again, just IMHO.
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Oh sweetheart, you can show your emotions. It's ok. It doesn't make you any less of a person if you cry when you feel like crying. Your father is wrong trying to tell you not to. But, you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. He might not agree with you, but you have to stand up for yourself. And I'm sorry you didn't make the team. Unfortunately that is part of life. You don't always get what you want even if you work like crazy for it.
This kind of Dad may even not recognize if you don't talk to him for a week. Like, you tell him you did and he'll say "Oh ... really?", and continues reading the newspaper. I'm a bit older than your Dad, and ... well, we didn't have it THAT hard. It's not like we were born into the stone ages or so, most things were pretty much like they are today, it was just easier to evade all the onlinery, and ordering stuff was done by Fax often, or by sending in a postcard or so ... other than that, your Dad did not live in a vastly different society than today's.
This is just one side of the story...lets hear it from the dads side for fairness
1st sorry you didn't make the team. It's okay to cry about it it doesn't make you less of a man. But it seems to me that you have plenty of support from family and friends.You said that you're dad checked to make you sure you were okay. Then he gave what appeared to be constructive criticism until the man up part. And the point being made about being the most athletic in the fam is only valid if the fam was trying to make the team. My advice forgive your father because unforgiveness is a prison you put yourself in. Get your father to help train you so he can see the work you put in and that would change his perspective. And make the team next year. Good luck.
Commenters: nowhere in this article did dad say not to cry, he said he was being stupid about it, but nowhere does it say don't cry, it's not MANLY. This post has been taken way out of context.
for me it is always a relief when I can cry in stressful / emotional situations. It's unbelievable how this reduces the internal pressure and makes you feel relieved and better. So: Free right to cry for every age and gender!
Do not call it "man up", if that word offends you. Call it "grow up" "mature up" or as you prefer. Do not play in the soccer team is not a life issue. It is a game. A mature person (and being 16, with a girlfriend implies that you should have advanced in that path) would not spend one day crying for not playing in a soccer team. What kind of society are we building that one 16 y.o. boy passes one day crying for not be selected to play? When will he learn that life is full of things quite worse than that?
Toughen up, not man up. Otherwise the dad would be right, but he ruined it by making it gendered like a fuçking idiot. The kid needs to toughen up. “There’s no crying in baseball!” - A league of their own, a movie about a women’s team.
What you say is right. Fall down and step up. This is not to "man up", though. Why should women not fail and return stronger? To "man up" implies swallowing the emotion, well, probably even ignoring them. However, they are there to tell you an important lesson.
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First of all, you have no idea how hard this kid worked to get on the team. Second, it's really really bad parenting to try to tell your son to "suck it up and be a man." Boys are constantly told to bottle up their feelings and not show any weaknesses. that advice is antiquated BS. He didn't cry in front of his friends because they can be cruel about it, especially if they also have dickhead fathers that tell them to suck it up. But you would think of all the people to sympathize with this kid, he could count on his own family. Dad was being an AH...tell the kid you're sorry he didn't get in...there was no need for the rest of it.
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Men are human beings and have feelings too! Toxic Masculinity needs to end! I have nothing but respect for any brave man who shows their feelings.
You have every right to cry if you're sad, regardless of your gender. You can smile when you're happy. You can frown when you're mad or upset. You can worry if you're scared. You can make a strange face if you're genuinely disgusted. And you can cry when you're sad. There's a big difference between crying when you're sad and crying all the time about every single thing that disappoints you. Crying when you're sad is A-ok, and in fact encouraged by me. It's healthy to get a few tears out sometimes. When people (male or female) cry about every little thing, then I can see why people have a problem, but crying when you don't get into a game team? Go right ahead!
aren't there like b-teams and c-teams to give everybody the opportunity to play at their level?
OK, you win the Non Sequitur of The Day award.
Load More Replies... Am I the a hole for thinking that bored panda shouldn't have these self validating posts that don't do anything to help anyone and there is no closure. PS: Yes his dad needs to figure out what it means to be a man and no the kid isn't an a hole. I just don't think this should be on BP
There is a big difference between crying because the emotion is too strong and crying out of whim or frustration by reacting like a spoiled child. In this case, we don't know enough to form an opinion, or at least personally I would be very careful not to decide one way or the other.
As always with these, we know only one side of the story. However, this young man describes a deep disappointment with how his father talked to him. Regardless of what was talked and in which way, a parent ought to take that seriously. Besides, to "man up" is almost exclusively used in a toxic context. That men shall "man up" but women are not asked to "women up" suggests a fundamental difference in how emotion is perceived and how it affects the two sexes. I do not think there is any psychological backing for this. Of course, humans need to balance letting emotions flow and being self-controlled. Crying because you spilled a drop of water onto your jacket likely is unwarranted. However, the OP does not describe himself as overly emotional. We cannot judge if crying because of the rejection was warranted or not, but it obviously deeply hurt him. This should be accepted unconditionally by those who love him.
The father should also factor in that at 16 years, few people are emotionally stable, as they still seek for their place in life. (Do we really ever stop doing that?) The father's speech on how to practice even harder can come as a motivation, but only if he first unconditionally takes his son seriously. Asking his son to change his behaviour because of his gender is just crap.
Load More Replies... Crying is normal. Crying is human. Crying is sane. And, FYI, my hubby cries, he's currently over 50, and I am *honored* he feels safe enough to cry with me/in my presence, so.... Men cry. Women cry. Kids cry. Just cry. It's okay. It really is.
Spend one whole day crying for not being selected to play sports ... is not normal in a mature person
Load More Replies... Pretty sure OG post will not read this but if you, or anybody else in this position and of similar age, does read this: I am a 50 yr old individual who has constantly been bashed by my father. Literally just today received a message saying that i have a father but he doesn't have children. And it hurts to hear him think that. It's manipulative and "toxic". It hurts because i love him and he's my blood. It's a constant struggle to take distance and maybe to be brave enough to cut ties. Life is given to you but it's yours to live. You don't owe your parents anything. Don't choose things which don't choose you. Rise up! Much love
In short: Love, but from a *safe* distance. It hurts but it's what we need to do sometimes. *fist bump*
Load More Replies... OK Devil's advocate here. You are NTA for crying and being upset. That's a human condition we all share, we cry when we are upset. OK that settled. Your said in your statement that your Dad came to you when you were crying and at first tried to comfort you and show you how you could have done more. Maybe he didn't go to psychiatry school and learn how to handle this type of conflict but he was reaching out to you and trying. A toxicly masculine male would not have done that. His ideas about men not crying and all are toxic but he is not. He was simply passing on to you what he was told/taught. That does not make him bad, on the contrary it hurt him to see you crying and he was trying to help. Now this generation has figured out that the stereotype of a manly man is total bs and unreasonable in a real world situation but he was giving you what he thought was fatherly advise. That makes him a caring father, it doesn't make him right but he cares and therefor deserves your care.
I respectfully disagree, simply because the dad is the adult, and so should be the one to say, "Son, wow, I shouldn't have said such a thing, that wasn't okay", right? Adult has the responsibility, not the kid. The kid didn't say he hates his dad, but it's not okay to pressure him into being okay when he is NOT okay. That message reinforces that he is in the wrong, when his dad, as an adult, has also had a week to med the breach. Again, just IMHO.
Load More Replies... Oh sweetheart, you can show your emotions. It's ok. It doesn't make you any less of a person if you cry when you feel like crying. Your father is wrong trying to tell you not to. But, you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. He might not agree with you, but you have to stand up for yourself. And I'm sorry you didn't make the team. Unfortunately that is part of life. You don't always get what you want even if you work like crazy for it.
This kind of Dad may even not recognize if you don't talk to him for a week. Like, you tell him you did and he'll say "Oh ... really?", and continues reading the newspaper. I'm a bit older than your Dad, and ... well, we didn't have it THAT hard. It's not like we were born into the stone ages or so, most things were pretty much like they are today, it was just easier to evade all the onlinery, and ordering stuff was done by Fax often, or by sending in a postcard or so ... other than that, your Dad did not live in a vastly different society than today's.
This is just one side of the story...lets hear it from the dads side for fairness
1st sorry you didn't make the team. It's okay to cry about it it doesn't make you less of a man. But it seems to me that you have plenty of support from family and friends.You said that you're dad checked to make you sure you were okay. Then he gave what appeared to be constructive criticism until the man up part. And the point being made about being the most athletic in the fam is only valid if the fam was trying to make the team. My advice forgive your father because unforgiveness is a prison you put yourself in. Get your father to help train you so he can see the work you put in and that would change his perspective. And make the team next year. Good luck.
Commenters: nowhere in this article did dad say not to cry, he said he was being stupid about it, but nowhere does it say don't cry, it's not MANLY. This post has been taken way out of context.
for me it is always a relief when I can cry in stressful / emotional situations. It's unbelievable how this reduces the internal pressure and makes you feel relieved and better. So: Free right to cry for every age and gender!
Do not call it "man up", if that word offends you. Call it "grow up" "mature up" or as you prefer. Do not play in the soccer team is not a life issue. It is a game. A mature person (and being 16, with a girlfriend implies that you should have advanced in that path) would not spend one day crying for not playing in a soccer team. What kind of society are we building that one 16 y.o. boy passes one day crying for not be selected to play? When will he learn that life is full of things quite worse than that?
Toughen up, not man up. Otherwise the dad would be right, but he ruined it by making it gendered like a fuçking idiot. The kid needs to toughen up. “There’s no crying in baseball!” - A league of their own, a movie about a women’s team.
What you say is right. Fall down and step up. This is not to "man up", though. Why should women not fail and return stronger? To "man up" implies swallowing the emotion, well, probably even ignoring them. However, they are there to tell you an important lesson.
Load More Replies... First of all, you have no idea how hard this kid worked to get on the team. Second, it's really really bad parenting to try to tell your son to "suck it up and be a man." Boys are constantly told to bottle up their feelings and not show any weaknesses. that advice is antiquated BS. He didn't cry in front of his friends because they can be cruel about it, especially if they also have dickhead fathers that tell them to suck it up. But you would think of all the people to sympathize with this kid, he could count on his own family. Dad was being an AH...tell the kid you're sorry he didn't get in...there was no need for the rest of it.
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