Controlling Mom Loses It When Her Adult Son Doesn’t Get The Job After She Crashed The Interview
Parents know what’s best for their children. Except in instances when they become over-involved and start hovering over every aspect of their child’s life. See, helicopter parenting is notorious for its backfiring effect, and controlling moms and dads often exercise judgments clouded with the desire to make their kids succeed. They can’t seem to let their little ones off the leash — even when they grow up, go to college, and try to navigate the twists and turns of this thing we call life.
So what happens when the microparenting doesn’t stop? Well, a story posted on the popular AITA subreddit illustrates it can swiftly turn into a significant challenge and a hindrance that makes everything more complicated. As a hiring manager at a tech company detailed, what was supposed to be an internship interview with a 19-year-old guy suddenly became an interview with a mom meddling in his career.
Naturally, this whole ordeal put a strain on the process and cost the young man his job. But guess if the woman let it slide? Scroll down to find out how the situation escalated below, as well as the verdict readers were quick to deem. Keep reading to also find an interview with licensed psychologist Gail Post, Ph.D., and then let us know what you think of the incident in the comments!
After a mother crashed her 19-year-old son’s internship interview, this hiring manager is asking for perspective on how they handled the situation
Image credits: Malte Helmhold (not the actual photo)
Image credits: NordWood Themes (not the actual photo)
Image credits: apartmentroublee
Children often want parents to have their backs, but getting overly involved in their lives does not seem to be the answer. Guessing from the comments, the majority of readers sided with the hiring manager, calling out the mother and her questionable ways. But some people chimed in with different opinions, explaining it seems unfair for the kid to lose the opportunity because of his mom, especially when he seemed to know the technical part of the interview well.
For most of us, it may seem common sense that parents shouldn’t attend a job interview alongside their kids. But these situations may be more common than you’d think.
An OfficeTeam survey of over 600 senior managers at companies with 20 or more employees in the US found that more than 1 in 3 senior managers (35%) said they’re annoyed when helicopter parents are involved in their kids’ search for work. Another one-third (34%) stated that while they prefer moms and dads to stay out of the job hunt, they would let it slide. And for 29% of managers, parental involvement is not a problem.
To gain more insight on the topic from a parenting expert, we reached out to Gail Post, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and author of The Gifted Parenting Journey: A Guide to Self-Discovery and Support for Families of Gifted Children. “When children are very young, parents automatically assume a greater level of control,” Post told Bored Panda. “Transitioning to giving a child more freedom is difficult for some parents who struggle with letting go and also trusting that their child is up to the task.”
According to the psychologist, excessive control these parents attempt to wield often stems from anxiety: “Parents love their children and want the best for them, but intervene inappropriately because their anxiety drives their behavior.”
Unfortunately, when these behaviors are left unaddressed, they tend to do more harm than good. “When a child (or young adult like the college student in the story) is restricted from engaging in developmentally appropriate tasks, like a job interview, they never learn to trust their own abilities, resulting in feelings of inadequacy,” Post explained.
The obvious problem with helicopter parenting is that it prevents kids from developing the skills they need in life and damages their emotional well-being. “Some children become overly fearful and dependent on excessive guidance and reassurance; others may rebel and push their parents away. The parent’s overcontrolling behavior backfires and creates an outcome that is counter to what they really want — a happy and successful child or adult.”
But is it possible to put a stop to overparenting? Well, explaining what’s the best approach to dealing with overbearing parents can be complicated, as everything depends on a particular situation. But Post suggested that parents should start by listening to themselves, their feelings, and managing them appropriately.
“If a parent suspects (or is told by others) that they are overly controlling, they would benefit from addressing the anxiety that drives this behavior,” she explained. “Seeking support from trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional can provide an outlet and guidance for reducing the controlling behavior.”
When it comes to children of controlling parents, how they respond depends on their age. “Young children may not be able to express their feelings verbally and may act out, rebel, or withdraw,” Post said.
“Older children, teens, and young adults, though, can calmly let their parent know that they love them and understand that the behaviors are due to their concerns, but that it is making the situation worse. They can tell them how the controlling behavior is affecting their feelings about themselves and their confidence, and that it is creating a barrier in their relationship with them.”
“If the parent is unwilling to listen and try to change their behaviors, the child would benefit from seeking guidance from other trusted adults, friends, or a mental health professional,” Post concluded.
The vast majority of readers assured the user they did nothing wrong, calling out the mother for meddling in her son’s career
But some users disagreed and shared a different opinion
While it would have been good for the young man to be promptly informed that his mother's interference cost him that opportunity, I can't fault the hiring manager for not being willing to hire that kind of guaranteed psycho-drama with Momma bulldozing her way into everything Baby does and throwing raging tantrums when informed she needs to back off and let her ADULT offspring handle HIS career himself as a grownup.
I really feel bad for the poor kid with an overbearing mom like his. It's possible that the job would have been a chance for him to escape his mom's influence for a while and become more confident and start shining as his own person... However, fixing those issues is not what an employer is responsible for. I absolutely understand that the company didn't hire the young man. Who knows how much his mom would've continued to interfere.
NTA for telling his mom her actions took him out of consideration and would put him into the do not hire pile for a lot of companies, that will hopefully be the shock she needs to change her behaviour going forward. I do however think OP should have been more forceful at the time of the interview, rather than just dropping hints, as hiring manager surely he could have addressed the applicant when the interruptions began to inform the teen they could only consider responses from the applicant and had a limited time before the next one was scheduled so interruptions would negatively affect the interview. That way, they could have also seen how the 19yo, and his mom, reacted. Continuing with the interview knowing the mom had written off the applicant's chances (as mom was later told) was a waste of everyone's time.
Kids like this have never had to deal with anything - mommy and daddy try to make sure they bulldoze any issues for them, and they have no problem solving skills and just can't function on their own. I hired a 16 year old girl who didn't know how to sweep a floor. She never had to do chores and was useless as an employee. She seemed really confused whenever she was faced with a task that required multiple steps and how to do them if they were explicity spelled out for her. That kid is going to have a rough life
This simple truth appears to be beyond the comprehension of those who said the hiring manager was unfair to the kid. I would seriously question their competence if they hired the kid.
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Parents, please do not put your noses in your kids interviews. I interviewed a potential candidate whose mother sat in through the whole interview. It was very short and went to the do not hire pile as well.
Oh geez deja Vu all over the place.....NTA, my mom did this to me and my nephew, and it was so humiliating...not with a zoom interruption, but with blackballing my background check on a job for me in the 80s, and then taking my nephew and going in with him on a job interview in the 2000s. She needed to be bluntly, firmly, and perhaps rudely told to stop interfering. The kid will never learn on his own and who knows what opportunity she's screwing up for him. When I didn't get hired for my good job I wanted, my mom gave me number to call so I could be the shampoo girl for her hairdresser. I lit into her, and on my next job interview requiring background check, I told the investigator my mom is an interfering nut. I got that job, has it for 27 years, did MY thing with it, and retired a few years ago. All in one piece.
I have to say it bothers me that they never gave him a response back after a month went by and they knew immediately he wasn't a good fit. If anything the poster should have said something sooner about the mom, and been more direct and let them know that anyone other than the applicant is not welcome on the call. If they refused to leave the call, then they would be disconnected
I agree something should have been said sooner during the interview about the mom's presence/interruptions. But as far as them not giving a response until a month later, OP does state it is something they usually do but it must have slipped through the cracks. If HR were busy and/or short staffed, it could have been a simple administrative oversight which only came to their attention a month later when it was chased up by the mom, or if could have been the rejection had been sent but landed in the applicant's spam folder and not noticed as result.
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The onus is on the kid to kick his mom out of the interview and apologize to you. How does he let his mom do this without objection? Failing to do this makes him a do not hire / more boy than man kinda guy.
It's not the kid's fault. Children of helicopter parents don't learn, that this behaviour is wrong. It's so normal for them, that the idea of speaking up against the mom doesn't even occur to them.
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As a former recruiter. I can understand of the DNH. We should not try to fix applicant parents FFS.. That could bring a ton of nasty problem. Imagine that our company image be damaged because we try to lecture a grownup. I will send some hint about the problem, but not directly address the mother.
My ex's parents are the same way. Heck, she has dyslexia, and because of that, her dad put her on disability. And when she got a job, he said he'd report it to the social security office. He didn't. And now they're garnishing her wages because she owes for what *HE* collected. Mind you, he convinced them shes unfit to handle the money herself (she's not), and even before she got the job, he was only giving her a $25 a week allowance out of the $750 she was collecting. Of course, thats outside of any rent or gas money she needed to ask for, that he complained about needing to supply. He also controlled her food stamps, until she deliberately chose not to renew it to have one less thing he controlled in her life. Point is, kids may fail. And thats fine. But they NEED to pass for fail on their own merit. Sure, offer help. But you don't need to hold the pencil for them.
These parents drive me crazy. Your job as a parent is to raise a fully functioning, capable adult who will add to society, not a helpless baby man forever chained to someone else's hip because they can't survive without help. Frankly, the interview should have ended the minute she started in and she should have been told that they aren't hiring mothers at that time. I recall coaching both my kids before they went for job interviews, but there is no way I would have even considered involving myself in any way. SMH.
Generally NTA, but TBH hiring managers and HR in general have over-complicated the hiring process so much that getting hired is like trying to join a cult. Perfectly experienced people get passed over for the most ridiculous reasons, like not answering the "quirky question" with the answer HR already wanted.
I think the hiring manager did nothing wrong. Another thought, explain to the applicant because of his mother's interference you'd like to make another appointment with him from another location. Give him a second chance.
Why so you can hire somebody whose Mom will call and b***h at you over every little thing, for years? F**k off
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That second to last one, "conipto", is all wet. A 19 year old is not "basically still a child". They're on the cusp of adulthood and need to practice this.
I attended community college and worked part time. Just before I turned 20, I was offered a job clear across the country (USA) and I jumped at the chance to leave my parents' home. I moved with one suitcase, found an apartment and finished college while working full time. You'll grow up when you have to.
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This has been an issue for years (although, get's worse every generation). Back ink the late 70's I was a 21 year old head "stock Boy" at a factory in Providence Rhode Island. It was a department of 6, and since the pay was minimum wage we had a goodly amount of turnover so parrt of my job was hiring the workers.. We didn't get high school kids, because we only used full time workers. So, in any case, this kid (yeah I was 21 but he was 18ish so ergo a kid). He had his mom with him and she sat in on the 5 minute interview, she insisted on interrupting him (and me) to answer questions, he didn't get the job.
Chances are the kid knew exactly why he didn't get the job, and wanted to drop the whole thing. Mom on the other hand couldn't get that through her thick head. Also, and someone who has hired hundreds of people over the years, If you bring anybody to the interview, you're not getting hired. If you need a ride, they should be waiting in the car.
It is not only the interference from the mother that cost him the internship, it's the young man's lack of response to it. After the interview, if he had called the hiring manager and apologized for his mother's behavior saying she does this frequently and could he have a second chance to interview without her around, the hiring manager might have considered giving him a second go. It's not the kids fault that mom is overbearing, but he could have easily followed it up with a way to fix the issues. IMO, that would have shown more initiative and independence to the point of probably landing him the internship.
In a lot of instances the kid is afraid to say or do anything. If she threw a fit at the HR guy what do you think her reaction to her kid saying something would be?
Load More Replies... Fifty years ago, it was common for a parent to help their kid get a job at their workplace. I got a job at our local library while still in high school because my mom worked there, but that was then and this is now. At least when I was 16 my mom didn't come to the interview with me! For the record, this was a basic low-level part time clerical job, not a career position.
Retail stores I've worked at. I've seen several applicants not be considered because their friend/Bf/Gf came into the store to wait while applicant was being interviewed. they didn't interfere but the fact they came in with no intention of actually being a customer displayed to management that they would likely hang out while said applicant would be working. Rule #1. Always apply alone. If someone brings you tell them to either stay in the car out of sight or leave and come back.
I feel so, so, so bad for this kid. He has been set up for a lifetime of dealing with her, whether she is physically there or not. I left home at 17 to get away from my mother, and I'd have taken my Dad with my if I could have. At 54 I'm still dealing with the leftovers. She literally ruined my relationships throughout my life due to the mental sh*t. I hope he does better.
NTA. I could see wording what was said to her just slightly different so that she had a clear understanding that her presence in an interview will immediately end his consideration for employment. Also, I would have ended the interview after multiple interruptions from the mom. The 1st interruption would warrent a notice thst she needs to allow you some privacy. Further interruptions would bring warnings that the interview will end if she continues to interrupt. Make good on the threat of she continues. Offer to reschedule for a time when he's available to be uninterrupted. If he's smart, he'll go sit on the bus. I'd rather interview someone with a bunch of background noise than listen to someone continuously answer questions for them.
Yeah, those who are saying he was unfair to the kid, did it occur to them that if he were actually hired, his mom would constantly be pestering his boss? Yeah I didn't think so. You don't hire someone in that situation unless you're a drooling moron.
Probably should have tried to reschedule it for a time when she wouldn't be there. He's 19, and in our economy college is expensive, along with housing (depending on where you live) and food, so living with his mother is reasonable (even if she is overbearing) just til l he's financially stable enough to live on his own.
For those saying YTA, ESH, etc: You do realize that, while they are TECHNICALLY children, in most states, provinces, etc, 18 is LEGALLY considered an adult, except for buying and consuming alcohol and tobacco. The young man in question was trying to interview for a position via zoom, which is about the same as doing it in person but for covid. Mom, in her well-meaning way, thought she was doing her son a favor, when, in reality, she'd ruined whatever chance he had getting hired with that company. Most likely, the young man lives at home with mommy watching his every move. If I were the young man, I would put a lock on the door on the inside to prevent mom from walking in. If I can't, I would go elsewhere to conduct that interview (a friend's or relative's house, a local library where they have wifi and meeting rooms, or a coffee shop like Starbucks). That way, there'll privacy, and no interruptions from mom, plus, he'd succeed or fail on HIS own merit!
Internship should be a position. The mother should not have been there. The son is going to have to be the one to stand up to her. And lock the door.
I am fed up to the back teeth of these rehashed Reddit posts. Especially when the original post was over 2 years ago. For goodness sakes, come up with something more original. If I wanted to read AITA posts I'd read them on Reddit, not here.
The young man should have been told by the HM. The only way mom stops, is for her adult son to put her in her place. If he doesn't, he'll be loosing things for the rest of his life.
While it would have been good for the young man to be promptly informed that his mother's interference cost him that opportunity, I can't fault the hiring manager for not being willing to hire that kind of guaranteed psycho-drama with Momma bulldozing her way into everything Baby does and throwing raging tantrums when informed she needs to back off and let her ADULT offspring handle HIS career himself as a grownup.
I really feel bad for the poor kid with an overbearing mom like his. It's possible that the job would have been a chance for him to escape his mom's influence for a while and become more confident and start shining as his own person... However, fixing those issues is not what an employer is responsible for. I absolutely understand that the company didn't hire the young man. Who knows how much his mom would've continued to interfere.
NTA for telling his mom her actions took him out of consideration and would put him into the do not hire pile for a lot of companies, that will hopefully be the shock she needs to change her behaviour going forward. I do however think OP should have been more forceful at the time of the interview, rather than just dropping hints, as hiring manager surely he could have addressed the applicant when the interruptions began to inform the teen they could only consider responses from the applicant and had a limited time before the next one was scheduled so interruptions would negatively affect the interview. That way, they could have also seen how the 19yo, and his mom, reacted. Continuing with the interview knowing the mom had written off the applicant's chances (as mom was later told) was a waste of everyone's time.
Kids like this have never had to deal with anything - mommy and daddy try to make sure they bulldoze any issues for them, and they have no problem solving skills and just can't function on their own. I hired a 16 year old girl who didn't know how to sweep a floor. She never had to do chores and was useless as an employee. She seemed really confused whenever she was faced with a task that required multiple steps and how to do them if they were explicity spelled out for her. That kid is going to have a rough life
This simple truth appears to be beyond the comprehension of those who said the hiring manager was unfair to the kid. I would seriously question their competence if they hired the kid.
Load More Replies... Parents, please do not put your noses in your kids interviews. I interviewed a potential candidate whose mother sat in through the whole interview. It was very short and went to the do not hire pile as well.
Oh geez deja Vu all over the place.....NTA, my mom did this to me and my nephew, and it was so humiliating...not with a zoom interruption, but with blackballing my background check on a job for me in the 80s, and then taking my nephew and going in with him on a job interview in the 2000s. She needed to be bluntly, firmly, and perhaps rudely told to stop interfering. The kid will never learn on his own and who knows what opportunity she's screwing up for him. When I didn't get hired for my good job I wanted, my mom gave me number to call so I could be the shampoo girl for her hairdresser. I lit into her, and on my next job interview requiring background check, I told the investigator my mom is an interfering nut. I got that job, has it for 27 years, did MY thing with it, and retired a few years ago. All in one piece.
I have to say it bothers me that they never gave him a response back after a month went by and they knew immediately he wasn't a good fit. If anything the poster should have said something sooner about the mom, and been more direct and let them know that anyone other than the applicant is not welcome on the call. If they refused to leave the call, then they would be disconnected
I agree something should have been said sooner during the interview about the mom's presence/interruptions. But as far as them not giving a response until a month later, OP does state it is something they usually do but it must have slipped through the cracks. If HR were busy and/or short staffed, it could have been a simple administrative oversight which only came to their attention a month later when it was chased up by the mom, or if could have been the rejection had been sent but landed in the applicant's spam folder and not noticed as result.
Load More Replies... The onus is on the kid to kick his mom out of the interview and apologize to you. How does he let his mom do this without objection? Failing to do this makes him a do not hire / more boy than man kinda guy.
It's not the kid's fault. Children of helicopter parents don't learn, that this behaviour is wrong. It's so normal for them, that the idea of speaking up against the mom doesn't even occur to them.
Load More Replies... As a former recruiter. I can understand of the DNH. We should not try to fix applicant parents FFS.. That could bring a ton of nasty problem. Imagine that our company image be damaged because we try to lecture a grownup. I will send some hint about the problem, but not directly address the mother.
My ex's parents are the same way. Heck, she has dyslexia, and because of that, her dad put her on disability. And when she got a job, he said he'd report it to the social security office. He didn't. And now they're garnishing her wages because she owes for what *HE* collected. Mind you, he convinced them shes unfit to handle the money herself (she's not), and even before she got the job, he was only giving her a $25 a week allowance out of the $750 she was collecting. Of course, thats outside of any rent or gas money she needed to ask for, that he complained about needing to supply. He also controlled her food stamps, until she deliberately chose not to renew it to have one less thing he controlled in her life. Point is, kids may fail. And thats fine. But they NEED to pass for fail on their own merit. Sure, offer help. But you don't need to hold the pencil for them.
These parents drive me crazy. Your job as a parent is to raise a fully functioning, capable adult who will add to society, not a helpless baby man forever chained to someone else's hip because they can't survive without help. Frankly, the interview should have ended the minute she started in and she should have been told that they aren't hiring mothers at that time. I recall coaching both my kids before they went for job interviews, but there is no way I would have even considered involving myself in any way. SMH.
Generally NTA, but TBH hiring managers and HR in general have over-complicated the hiring process so much that getting hired is like trying to join a cult. Perfectly experienced people get passed over for the most ridiculous reasons, like not answering the "quirky question" with the answer HR already wanted.
I think the hiring manager did nothing wrong. Another thought, explain to the applicant because of his mother's interference you'd like to make another appointment with him from another location. Give him a second chance.
Why so you can hire somebody whose Mom will call and b***h at you over every little thing, for years? F**k off
Load More Replies... That second to last one, "conipto", is all wet. A 19 year old is not "basically still a child". They're on the cusp of adulthood and need to practice this.
I attended community college and worked part time. Just before I turned 20, I was offered a job clear across the country (USA) and I jumped at the chance to leave my parents' home. I moved with one suitcase, found an apartment and finished college while working full time. You'll grow up when you have to.
Load More Replies... This has been an issue for years (although, get's worse every generation). Back ink the late 70's I was a 21 year old head "stock Boy" at a factory in Providence Rhode Island. It was a department of 6, and since the pay was minimum wage we had a goodly amount of turnover so parrt of my job was hiring the workers.. We didn't get high school kids, because we only used full time workers. So, in any case, this kid (yeah I was 21 but he was 18ish so ergo a kid). He had his mom with him and she sat in on the 5 minute interview, she insisted on interrupting him (and me) to answer questions, he didn't get the job.
Chances are the kid knew exactly why he didn't get the job, and wanted to drop the whole thing. Mom on the other hand couldn't get that through her thick head. Also, and someone who has hired hundreds of people over the years, If you bring anybody to the interview, you're not getting hired. If you need a ride, they should be waiting in the car.
It is not only the interference from the mother that cost him the internship, it's the young man's lack of response to it. After the interview, if he had called the hiring manager and apologized for his mother's behavior saying she does this frequently and could he have a second chance to interview without her around, the hiring manager might have considered giving him a second go. It's not the kids fault that mom is overbearing, but he could have easily followed it up with a way to fix the issues. IMO, that would have shown more initiative and independence to the point of probably landing him the internship.
In a lot of instances the kid is afraid to say or do anything. If she threw a fit at the HR guy what do you think her reaction to her kid saying something would be?
Load More Replies... Fifty years ago, it was common for a parent to help their kid get a job at their workplace. I got a job at our local library while still in high school because my mom worked there, but that was then and this is now. At least when I was 16 my mom didn't come to the interview with me! For the record, this was a basic low-level part time clerical job, not a career position.
Retail stores I've worked at. I've seen several applicants not be considered because their friend/Bf/Gf came into the store to wait while applicant was being interviewed. they didn't interfere but the fact they came in with no intention of actually being a customer displayed to management that they would likely hang out while said applicant would be working. Rule #1. Always apply alone. If someone brings you tell them to either stay in the car out of sight or leave and come back.
I feel so, so, so bad for this kid. He has been set up for a lifetime of dealing with her, whether she is physically there or not. I left home at 17 to get away from my mother, and I'd have taken my Dad with my if I could have. At 54 I'm still dealing with the leftovers. She literally ruined my relationships throughout my life due to the mental sh*t. I hope he does better.
NTA. I could see wording what was said to her just slightly different so that she had a clear understanding that her presence in an interview will immediately end his consideration for employment. Also, I would have ended the interview after multiple interruptions from the mom. The 1st interruption would warrent a notice thst she needs to allow you some privacy. Further interruptions would bring warnings that the interview will end if she continues to interrupt. Make good on the threat of she continues. Offer to reschedule for a time when he's available to be uninterrupted. If he's smart, he'll go sit on the bus. I'd rather interview someone with a bunch of background noise than listen to someone continuously answer questions for them.
Yeah, those who are saying he was unfair to the kid, did it occur to them that if he were actually hired, his mom would constantly be pestering his boss? Yeah I didn't think so. You don't hire someone in that situation unless you're a drooling moron.
Probably should have tried to reschedule it for a time when she wouldn't be there. He's 19, and in our economy college is expensive, along with housing (depending on where you live) and food, so living with his mother is reasonable (even if she is overbearing) just til l he's financially stable enough to live on his own.
For those saying YTA, ESH, etc: You do realize that, while they are TECHNICALLY children, in most states, provinces, etc, 18 is LEGALLY considered an adult, except for buying and consuming alcohol and tobacco. The young man in question was trying to interview for a position via zoom, which is about the same as doing it in person but for covid. Mom, in her well-meaning way, thought she was doing her son a favor, when, in reality, she'd ruined whatever chance he had getting hired with that company. Most likely, the young man lives at home with mommy watching his every move. If I were the young man, I would put a lock on the door on the inside to prevent mom from walking in. If I can't, I would go elsewhere to conduct that interview (a friend's or relative's house, a local library where they have wifi and meeting rooms, or a coffee shop like Starbucks). That way, there'll privacy, and no interruptions from mom, plus, he'd succeed or fail on HIS own merit!
Internship should be a position. The mother should not have been there. The son is going to have to be the one to stand up to her. And lock the door.
I am fed up to the back teeth of these rehashed Reddit posts. Especially when the original post was over 2 years ago. For goodness sakes, come up with something more original. If I wanted to read AITA posts I'd read them on Reddit, not here.
The young man should have been told by the HM. The only way mom stops, is for her adult son to put her in her place. If he doesn't, he'll be loosing things for the rest of his life.
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