30 Older People Respond To The Question: “Do You Regret Deciding Not To Have Children?”
A 2021 Pew Research Center study revealed that some 44% of non-parents younger than 50 don't think they will have children (in 2018, this figure stood at 37%). More than half listed their main reason as "don't want to have children" rather than more circumstantial factors such as medical issues.
But numbers don't always give you the full picture. Recently, we at Bored Panda found two Reddit discussions (started by users TwoLlamas and Swan_Songster) that asked people over 55 who consciously decided to live child-free lives if they regretted their decision or not. So we decided to put together their answers and hopefully add a human element to the statistics.
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I never had a minute of regret. I knew I didn’t want to have children when I was 15, but it took me until I reached the age of 25 to realize that “you can’t make me” like it’s something unavoidable.
It took me until I was 32 to find a doctor who would tie my tubes. And I had to badger him for 3 years.
I think raising children is a huge responsibility that shouldn’t be taken so lightly. You’re bringing another human into this world! IMO if you’re not “hell yes!” enthusiastic about having kids, you shouldn’t.
I just never had the desire and I thought I would do my potential child a disservice by being a mother who wasn’t into being a parent.
When people would tell me: You’re going to regret, not having kids! My answer was always: I’d rather regret not having kids than regret having one.
I knew when I was 12! I watched my Mom struggle with 3 kids even though my Dad did send support $$$. I was the oldest and only girl, guess who did the lions share of house chores. I left home at 16 with a job after school. I knew I wanted to be a professional and see what life looked like outside my neighborhood. Kids did not fit my scenario. I have no regrets and when I'm done I will die.
My wife worked at a nursing home for years. Imagine seeing for years that over 95% of old people never have family visit. Till they die and people want a piece of the pie. This when I learnt that the whole "well who is gonna visit you or take care of you when you're older" line is complete bulls**t. We decided to not have kids ever after that. Made great friends and saw the world. No regrets.
Former DINK here, then much to my surprise became a parent to 2 kids in my 40's. I've seen that childfree couples get the "you'll never be truly happy until you get kids" line and that annoys me. In my experience, I was happy before I had kids, and I'm happy now I have them. It's just a different kind of life, that's all.
Have kid(s) if you want. Don't if you don't. That's it. There's no other reason that matters.
I explain it to people like this - you know that feeling you get where you just can't wait to teach your kid how to play baseball? or whatever it is you want to share with them? I don't have that. Its basically a lack of parental instinct. Having children was never something I aspired to. My SO is the same way.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against children. And I get really angry at people who harm them or mistreat them. I just never wanted my own.
My wife and I have a double-income-no-kids route, it's going swimmingly. Lots of room to breathe and sleep, and eat, and sleep, and sleep and sleep!!!
The problem is … kids are glamorized. We are told we must have kids to be fulfilled in life. We are told we must have kids or who else will take care of you when you get older and sick. The reality is, many kids do not speak to their own parents, and kids who have sick parents put them in homes and do not take care of them. Myself, I never wanted kids. I couldn’t imagine someone needing me every second of the day for the rest of my life. And let’s face it.. many children these days rely on their parents still!! All my life I was questioned why I didn’t have kids… I was told I was going to regret it one day… my MIL told me very clearly… one day you will not be young and pretty but old and will want kids to help you with things…. She is an awful MIL and her own kids AND grandkids don’t speak to her. My friends who have kids are exhausted, in marriages that are loveless, in marriages with alcoholics, and abusers….. and they stay because of the kids… literally, I don’t know anyone who has kids that are not divorced or living in misery…. Kids are a huge sacrifice. I wish society would stop lying to women. My life is amazing. I travel, see friends, go to shows, museums, concerts. I have money to do whatever I want. My husband and I are very happy and are together because we genuinely love each other. We have a big retirement account and insurance for the day if either of us have to go into an assisted living facility and I am ok with that. …. Edit: wanted to add that I have very amazing nieces, nephews and step nieces and nephews …. But at the end of our visits, I’m glad I can go home!! Lol
I have never believed that I would be a good parent. I have a short temper, and while I don't think I would have been physically abusive, my words and tone of voice would be harsh in a very similar way to my own father. I wasn't happy growing up with that kind parent and I wouldn't want to subject any child to that kind of parenting.
Maybe it would change with a women on my side, but i fear i would beat them if i ever have kids and don't know to calm/silence them. Maybe they would come out fine with generally good maners so i would never habe to get that angry but i prefer not risk it.
No regret. I knew I was not destined to become a mother, from childhood. I’ve spent my life realizing my own potential, taking care of myself, nurturing my career. My family never understood nor supported me in my choice, to remain childless. I was not belligerent or oppositional, just determined to follow my stars. I am happy and fulfilled. I’ve also accomplished a level of success in my career that would never had been possible had I chosen to have children.
Not me but I know the couple very well. He is an artist who spends most of his time traveling to and from NYC and she lives a happy quiet life raising bonsai trees. They have developed a beautiful piece of land that now has their current home, a guest home, storage barn, and greenhouses for bonsai. To me it seems the absence of children has let both of them follow their dreams untethered.
I never had the urge to change diapers or lose sleep, free time, and most of my earnings. Other peoples' kids are great. Mostly because they are other people'.
When people ask "Who will take care of you when you're old," I tell them that when I'm 75 I will adopt a 40-year-old.
I don't like this "take care of me when I'm old" mindset. If that's the reason you have kids, it's profoundly selfish. "I changed your diapers, so now you get to change mine"??? No thanks. For one thing, parents change baby diapers because it's necessary and babies can't do it themselves. For another, baby poo and, uh, let's just say old man poo, are totally different things. Having changed diapers myself, I don't want to subject anyone else to it!
FWIW: I know three sets of couples in that category, all academics, all are somewhere between friends and acquaintances. All I can say as an outsider is that they are more relaxed and seem much more in love than other couples of the same age who have had kids. They also go out a lot more and travel a lot more. They are all very comfortable financially, but then again so are many couples of that age I know with kids.
57 Australian, no kids here. By Choice? Yes and No.
We had a child when I was 24 and wife was 21. Child died shortly before her 4th birthday. Took us a long time to recover and by the time the conversation was seriously considered we were both in our 30s. We back and forthed for a couple of years and then elected to give the whole parenting thing a miss much to the dismay of our parents. Her career was taking off and frankly we were still pretty messed up.
About 25 years on from that now. I have been retired for about 18 months. She will retire within the next two years. We have both had successful careers and money is not a major issue. Not having children allowed us to relocate regularly for job opportunities. We’ve lived in 3 different Australian cities as well as a five year stint in the US, and shorter stints in London and Tokyo at different times.
We’ve helped out our families a lot over the years, from assisting with university fees for my nieces to helping a nephew (both financially and mentoring) establish his own small business in his early 20s. We’ve taken several breaks from work to participate in charitable work. Japan being the most recent, but previously helped out in Thailand post Tsunami.
Have I lived a full life? I like to think so. Do I have an emptiness or sadness based on having no children? Yes.
However I will elaborate. I don’t believe that emptiness is based on having no children. More so it is and emptiness that should have been filled by a particular child. The one we had. I firmly believe having another child wouldn’t change that and talking with people who have also lost kids seems to confirm that.
Anyway, that’s my perspective on this from my particularly unique yet unfathomably common experiences.
Signing off the worlds best uncle
I have 4. None replace the one I lost, help sure, but replace, never
I am 66, wife is 61, married 37 years no children. Sometimes I regret not having children, but we would still make the choice to be childless if we had to do it over. The financial benefits are huge and you have the freedom to travel and make radical life changes without worrying about adverse effects on the children. We are retired, have no debt at all, money in the bank, good insurance, and reasonably good health. We did however host 5 foreign exchange students for a year each. That was as close to, parenting as I wanted to get. The downside side, that I will die a lonely old man with no family around.
You can chose when to die without worrying about your kids. You can die with lot's of people around you.
I still don't understand people who say s**t like "who will take care of you in your old age"
Are you forgetting this retirement strategy has at it's core all of the unpredictability and unreliability of a human f*****g being? Like these people really believe your son/daughter will be around to do things for you and love you?
Sorry to break it to you folks, but they'll have jobs, families, problems and s**t of their own to deal with. If you're raising a kid for this reason, you would have been better off taking all that money you threw at that financial black hole and putting it into a mutual fund.
A different scenario.
I'm 50, gay and childless. One benefit, which I've embraced, is I can get up and handle family emergencies. I've taken care of both sets of grandparents, my mother, my father, and 5 others, and that's only in hospice situations. There's plenty of other situations. I have four brothers and two sisters, all of them have children. Understandably, they just can't *afford* to take the time to do what I did and still do.
The other benefit is they don't talk about my sexuality in a bad way anymore, since they've all benefited from it in some form or another.
Still a shame that the word "anymore" has a place in the last sentence. Just let people be who they are even without benefiting from it ffs.
Financially it worked out well; we retired in our 40s to engage in the sorts of things we always wanted to do without being subject to the bizarre whims of management. Twenty years later no complaints, we still live modestly and enjoy life. Children would almost certainly have bound us to harness for those decades; in that sense, I don't regret not having any. Sure I look at the myth of progeny and wonder what might have been. But there are so many close examples of families who can't stand each other. It's a c**pshoot whether your child will be the next Renaissance master or a criminal. If the question is who will take care in our old age -- look at all the old folks in eldercare, disowned and never visited by their loving spawn.
Yes, I think having kids has an element of luck. I think of it this way, though: Your kids are their own people. They will develop their own personality, interests, and values. As a parent you can guide, teach, model, encourage...but you can't *make* your kids into something they are not. Some people (kids and parents) figure this out early, and some late, but others never do or refuse to accept it.
Now that I'm older I thought it would have been nice to have someone to lean on if I got sick. Then I see my friends who had kids and they are no different than me. The kids are still living with them waiting for a meal.
I see the way my younger friends have to negotiate with a ten year old instead of saying, "No because I said so." Some kids just don't listen, but they say hateful things on a regular basis. My friends don't flinch.
Due to society, parents don't have the authority they used to have. They are ignored, mocked, and "patronized" oddly enough by their off-spring.
Lesson to would-be parents: *You* have to put up with your kid's worst behavior. Other people don't.
47 here, and I have many friends/coworkers who have kids of all ages and I never feel left out at all. I drive past school zones every morning and I say "thank me that I don't have to sit in that nightmare line" I have money to spend on my self-care, I have time to spend with my partner, and enjoy each other to the fullest. I am still discovering so much about him and myself that I guarantee we would not be experiencing it if we had kids. I only have us to focus on and it is a lot, I cannot imagine adding another person
We two are enough. I myself am enough to struggle with. No place (and never the wish for) a kid. I adore cats so frigging much but I know I have to many on my card to be a good parent so we will not adopt cats till we feel sure and ready to take good care of them. And that's "just" for pets. I think people should think and hear more into their situations, if a child would be bearable
I can tell you that being 41 married and no kids does not mean finacial security as I work in a low paid tech job and my wife works in a low paid admin job.
We're happy with our choice but every couple is different so you have to make your own choices.
I also do not make a lot of money (43), I get your point of view. But I know that if I had a child, with what I make, I'd be in poverty. So, I feel this is a REAL reason to NOT have a child. Also, never wanted any, so there's that too.
I've been around the world numerous times, speak fluent Spanish, have friends in other countries, and have had a lucky life. A miscarriage at 28 was my one and only chance to have a child. Do I regret not having children? It wasn't my destiny. But age 58, sometimes, yes I do.
I'm 50.
My late wife and I wanted kids. But she had a heart condition and other medical problems that prevented us from having kids.
We once did a photograph in one of those carnival photo booths that mix your features to show you what your kid might look like. We chose a girl, and the photo that we got was so beautiful that it made us both cry. We never threw that photo away.
She died several years ago, after 21 years of marriage. I've since remarried to a wonderful woman who is also childless. We're both too old to responsibly bring a child into the world. They would start college when I turned 71. I don't think that's very fair.
But we have nieces and nephews. We are working very hard on being the "favorite" aunt and uncle.
Last night, at the spur of the moment, my wife and I decided to go out to eat. It took us less than 5 minutes to get ready and get out of the house.
On Valentines I treated us with a trip to the local bookstore, where we dropped just under $200 on books. This was an excellent valentine gift since we're both such bookworms.
I just bought a house, and am putting together my new woodshop in the detached garage. One of the bedrooms in our 4 bedroom house is our office and library. (we also have bookshelves down the hallway, and covering one wall of the dining area) Another bedroom is her "craft" room. We have the master bedroom and a guest bedroom too.
I don't have a yacht. I do own a "fix her up" boat. I'm seriously thinking of getting a "land yacht" RV to cruse with on our vacations.
Our second anniversary is coming up soon. I'm still undecided, Vegas or San Francisco? I love both places. Our biggest problem will be what to do with our dogs while we are gone. We'll probably have family come over and feed them. They have an outdoor kennel at the side of our home, so they'll be comfortable.
My relatives have this mentality and they own a awsome boat and live in the city with a nice house so i believe they have it going for them. Oh they also have 2 cats and a segway'
I never managed to find a girlfriend as a young guy, so the opportunity to have kids never came up
At 47, I met and married a wonderful older woman with two adult daughters
Now, at 60, the girls are my best friends..I even like the grandkids
And no, I never look back and wish I had kids of my own
I would have been a s****y parent..too many projects, hobbies and distractions to give them the attention they deserved
57 years old and childless. I don't regret it at all. I sincerely believe that I would have been a poor mother. I'm an extreme introvert, and seeing my sister with her sprogs clinging to her all the time, wanting something or other -- food, attention, a toy, whatever -- and calling to her, mommy mommy mommy, convinced me of the wisdom of my decision. If I had had children, I would have been driven to s*****e or h******e in short order. My sister's kids are grown into wonderful young adults, and I love them to death, but I need lots of alone time to remain sane, and you don't get that with kids. If I'd had them, I might have become one of those horrid humans who feed their kids Benadryl to make them sleep, just for some peace and quiet. Childless is better for me.
I'm in my 60s, happily married for 30+ years, and without children.
Most of the time, I'm happy about our decision. Sometimes, my husband and I both wish that circumstances had been different and that we had someone that we could count on to be there when we get old.
However, our reasons for not having children still stand.
We both felt the world was moving in a direction that can't be sustained. Research on global climate change wasn't part of the picture, but ecologically unsound practices were.
We're both from families where there are plenty of children and grand-children. So, our genes will be represented, without more taken from the available resources.
We both endured teasing about our physical appearances and didn't want our children to suffer the same.
We'd both been exposed to more than average levels of radiation and didn't want to risk it.
Personally, I was concerned about being a good parent. (My husband, on the other hand, would have been amazing)
By the time we were in a position to support having children, I felt I was too old. I'm the child of a 40-year-old mother who had 5 children before me and 1 after -- and although I would never have told her this, I really felt that some of us didn't get the time and energy that her eldest got. I didn't want to do that to another being.
So, instead of having kids, we participated in helping those already here, in a number of ways. In the end, we wish circumstance had been different, but in the main, do not regret our decision.
60 here; 30+ years married, consciously decided against kids about 5 years in. No significant regrets. We live well, yet well within our means, so we have accumulated enough resources without being very clever about money.
Life is meaningful to us because we've stayed involved enough with family, friends, pets, and volunteer work that we're "useful" (as well as relatively low-stress). We've never felt the need to have an extra source of meaning ("for the kids" or "for God" or "for my legacy" stuff) ... there's more than enough to do in the world right now, right here. Always!
Without final responsibility for some kids, we're able to integrate "being useful" with "what we want to do over the next couple years" as our ongoing mindset. And we're not worrying about the "who will care when I'm in a home" stuff ... we have always practiced being alone with a book, game, hobby or whatnot, so I'm pretty confident we can each handle that if/when it comes.
My wife and I have been married for 20 years and do not have children by choice. We both have jobs that pay well and we travel quite a bit. We most certainly do not have any regrets about our decision. My wife was so adamant about not having kids that she actually got herself sterilized when she was 30. I can tell you firsthand that the problem with not having children by choice is not that you personally regret the decision, it's dealing with parents. It's incredibly difficult for parents to understand your decision as they cannot imagine a life without children in it. There are a series of phrases we hear on a continual basis from the mundane to the just plain rude. Among these are, "How can you be so selfish", "You'll regret it later", "You'll come around when you're older", "Who will take care of you when you're old", and the list goes on. It's a well-known psychological phenomenon that everyone is guilty of to a degree. When you find something you think is important your gut instinct is to share it with everyone around you as you are positive they are missing out on something fantastic in life. Many people say that parents are simply jealous of DINKS. This isn't always the case of course, but allow me to mention an observation I've noticed over the years. There are many instances where this topic comes up here, on Facebook, in real life, etc. The most common response I hear is "I love my children but...." That caveat is there frequently. There's no doubt they love their kids; there is however a small feeling of jealousy deep down wishing they could do the things you do and go the places you go. That's not to say they would change anything if they could go back and do it all over again as they truly enjoy parenting and wouldn't trade it for the world. That doesn't mean they don't enjoy living vicariously through those that have never had children. Humans are jealous by nature and when you see someone who is doing things you only wish you could do it's only natural to feel that way. The other major problem is that you are constantly surrounded by friends and family who have kids. Your game and social nights with your friends become sessions of baby pictures and how little Tommy missed the training potty and went all over the floor. I am the only guy in an office full of women. All I heard day in and day out is talk about children and grandchildren. It's something you will have to be ready for as there is simply no avoiding this. Not having children is considered abnormal from a societal standpoint so just remember that you should be doing the things in life that make you happy and what others think about that decision is completely irrelevant. The most important thing is that you have an amazing relationship with your SO and that you both mutually agree on the decision to not have children. The worst thing you can do is force your partner into a position that they may in fact regret later in life. My wife and I are an amazing pair and I wouldn't trade her for the world. TL;DR: Married 20 years, DINK by choice, and not a regret in the world. Other parents will make your life hell, do it for yourself and not to please anyone else.
I'll answer for them: It's the greatest thing ever. I don't regret not having kids. I have lots of dogs and cats. I can do what I want when I want. I can still be the cool Aunt/Uncle. etc. etc.
I'll answer, but looks like it will be buried. I am 58, married, no kids. I feel I have a great life. I think that my wife and I have a very close relationship, because without kids helping bind it together, we have to work hard at our relationship. We share many of the same interests, but also maintain interests of our own.
I think having kids tends to direct you into mixing with other people who have kids in a similar age group, since you are thrown together with them in school activities. We have a a very diverse group of friends ranging in age from late 20s to early 80s. I really don't feel I relate to one particular age group. I recently had an old college friend visit with his two adult daughters. They seemed surprised that I listened to some of the music they liked and knew a lot of current bands.
I enjoy my nieces and nephews and their kids very much. They visit often and I spoil them, but we are always happy to see them leave and get our lives back.
We live in a high-rise condo with a view of the harbor and feel we don't need a bigger place. We enjoy travel. My favorite thing is spontaneous happy hours with friends around the kitchen island.
One quick story from a few years ago. Lying in bed one Sunday morning, drinking tea and reading the Sunday paper, when my wife asked what should we do today. We lay there chatting for awhile, before deciding we would go to Rome. That would have been a difficult thing to do with kids, even the lying in bed part.
On the downside, we have good long term care insurance, because I can't rely on anyone being around to help us when we are older. Though even with kids, there's no guarantee and who wants to be a burden?
43m, married for 13 years.
What is it like? Quiet. Low pressure. My wife and I make life decisions that work for us. We both have jobs and activities in life that involve a lot of social responsibility, working in healthcare and domestic violence, and doing a lot of community work. It’s not as if we’ve just broadly shirked responsibility in life, we’ve just directed our energies differently.
For the decision, I’d always kind of assumed I’d have kids, but my future wife told me early on she didn’t want kids. I kind of weighed the balance of ‘this person is awesome, I’d love to share more of my life with her’ and ‘I think I’d like kids.’
Ultimately, I found I didn’t have a really concrete idea of why I wanted kids. I think I was just going along with what I saw as the norm in society. I don’t love or hate kids. Sometimes they are great, sometimes not. I didn’t feel a strong personal need to pass on my genes or family name, or anything else on those lines.
On the other side of the equation, it meant having more time, energy, money, and flexibility for the things I really have a passion for in life. I find myself doing a lot of community work where I’m one of the few non-retirees involved (voluntary local government work for the most part). For me, it’s been great to be able to represent a younger voice in those environments and to have the time and energy to do that work.
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Childfree, on my own income. Got the "Just wait until..." treatment from the family, took them until my late 30s until they finally believed me. Never had parental instinct. Realised only in my 40s how much my upringing had f****d me up, and what a poor parent I would have been. I broke the vicious circle. As for "who will take care of you when you're old" - a nice person in a care home who WANTS to do that kind of job, not someone who would rather be something else but feels forced to take care of me. I have my flaws, but I'm not that selfish (I see it in friends my age who now have to sacrifice whole weekends for their parents. Even when they do it gladly, they simply miss the time to recover from their normal job. Some suffer. No thanks.)
Seriously, just look at the state of our planet. If you're such a sadistic piece of s**t to make someone live in this mess, you deserve all the downsides kids give you. There are tons of reasons why one shouldn't have kids, not torturing your own breed is a hell of a good reason. Unless you're into that.
@shehulk people should have a choice to have or not have children. It should not "just happen" to get pregnant if you and/or your environment are not ready or good for the future life thrown in it. People should have the opportunity to have safe sex if they want. People should have the opportunity to not risk their life, health, career or even lifestyle for a child they don't intended to create - which would possibly even harm the child's life. It always should be a choice and I hope the opportunities to choose to get pregnant or not will increase Sharp in the future
Childfree, on my own income. Got the "Just wait until..." treatment from the family, took them until my late 30s until they finally believed me. Never had parental instinct. Realised only in my 40s how much my upringing had f****d me up, and what a poor parent I would have been. I broke the vicious circle. As for "who will take care of you when you're old" - a nice person in a care home who WANTS to do that kind of job, not someone who would rather be something else but feels forced to take care of me. I have my flaws, but I'm not that selfish (I see it in friends my age who now have to sacrifice whole weekends for their parents. Even when they do it gladly, they simply miss the time to recover from their normal job. Some suffer. No thanks.)
Seriously, just look at the state of our planet. If you're such a sadistic piece of s**t to make someone live in this mess, you deserve all the downsides kids give you. There are tons of reasons why one shouldn't have kids, not torturing your own breed is a hell of a good reason. Unless you're into that.
@shehulk people should have a choice to have or not have children. It should not "just happen" to get pregnant if you and/or your environment are not ready or good for the future life thrown in it. People should have the opportunity to have safe sex if they want. People should have the opportunity to not risk their life, health, career or even lifestyle for a child they don't intended to create - which would possibly even harm the child's life. It always should be a choice and I hope the opportunities to choose to get pregnant or not will increase Sharp in the future
