Guy Breaks Up With GF Of 3 Months Because She’s Pregnant And He Doesn’t Want To Be A Dad
Interview
An unplanned pregnancy can turn anyone’s life upside down. It might be an unexpected blessing that a couple is thrilled about, or it could throw a wrench into their future plans. And it can make things even more complicated when both parents disagree on whether or not to keep the child.
Below, you’ll find a saga that was recently shared on Reddit, detailing how one man and his ex-girlfriend had a difficult time deciding what to do after finding out that they had a little one on the way.
This man has always known that he doesn’t want to have children
Image credits: Alena Darmel (not the actual photo)
So after finding out that his girlfriend was having a child, he decided that would be the end of their relationship
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After his first post, readers shared their thoughts and advice
The man also shared more details about the situation after reading some responses
He noted that he consulted a lawyer and took a paternity test as well
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Image credits: BurningBurner1600
The man also addressed questions about the possibility of getting back together with his ex
Readers were curious about the man and his ex-girlfriend’s families, as well as his future plans, so he explained the situation further
Later, he shared another update after receiving the results of the paternity test and explained the options he gave his ex
Image credits: Cody Portraits (not the actual photo)
Image credits: BurningBurner1600
Readers continued sharing their reactions to the situation, and the OP chimed in with more of his thoughts
“Get a vasectomy, so you don’t have to go through all this”
We reached out to the man who shared this story on Reddit to hear how he’s feeling about the whole situation now, and he was kind enough to answer a few questions for Bored Panda. “I’d rather she have just aborted the kid, but I guess this is about as good as I’ll get,” the OP shared.
As of now, he says he’s unsure when exactly the baby is coming, but he assumes it’ll be about 5 or 6 months from now. And thankfully, he noted that his sister and her wife are very excited. The OP also shared that the responses he received from Reddit were very helpful, so it appears that sharing all of these posts was worth it.
And as far as any wise words the OP has for men who may find themselves in a similar situation, he says, “Get a vasectomy, so you don’t have to go through all this [crap]. If you get turned down like I did, then try harder than I did to find someone else. If you end up where I am, then good luck I guess. Just trust your gut? I don’t know, I’m not an expert, I’m still figuring my [stuff] out.”
Image credits: August de Richelieu (not the actual photo)
Nearly half of all pregnancies are unplanned
In this day and age, we have better access to birth control than ever before in the past. We have condoms, contraceptive pills, intrauterine devices, arm implants and more. Yet with all of these tools at our disposal, we still can’t seem to prevent unplanned pregnancies. According to the United Nations Population Fund, nearly half of all pregnancies around the globe are unintended. Even in the United States, 46% of pregnancies are unplanned, the New York Times reports.
But an unplanned pregnancy isn’t always perceived as a bad thing. Sometimes couples are thrilled to receive the news that they’re going to be parents, even if they weren’t actively trying yet. They might have always dreamed of starting a family, and if they’re financially stable and ready to bring new life into the world, they might be over the moon.
On the other hand, however, expecting parents might be scared, stressed and overwhelmed by the idea of bringing a little one into the world. And if that’s the case, it’s important for them to understand that they do have options.
Image credits: Marco Verch (not the actual photo)
It’s important for couples to know that they have options when a pregnancy is unexpected
Healthline explains that when an unplanned pregnancy appears, couples must first consider whether or not they even want to be parents, as well as whether they’d like to parent together or separately. And if they’re not interested in being parents at all, there are other options to consider. The mother in this particular situation didn’t seem interested in entertaining the ideas of abortion or adoption, but for some women, these are perfectly viable options.
Being a parent can be scary, and it’s certainly expensive and time consuming. If a couple is too young to be able to provide for a child, they don’t have enough income to support a family, or they were simply never interested in having kids in the first place, they shouldn’t feel forced into it. Arranging an adoption is possible almost anywhere, and while having an abortion may be a bit trickier logistics wise, depending on where you live, it can be the best move for some couples to make.
It’s also important to assess your current lifestyle before deciding on whether or not to bring a child into the world. Are you used to traveling every weekend or staying out late every night? Would you have a difficult time giving up drinking or smoking? Are you healthy enough to provide a healthy home for a baby?
Image credits: Dave Goudreau (not the actual photo)
While being a single parent may not be everyone’s first choice, it does work for many families
In cases like this story, where one party is happy to raise a child and the other isn’t, single parenting is another viable option. And while it might sound difficult to imagine raising a child all on your own, it might be even worse to pressure a partner to stick around when they’re not actually interested in parenting.
Plus, plenty of parents raise their little ones without a partner. In fact, the United States has the world’s highest rate of children living in single-parent homes, the Pew Research Center reports, with 23% of kiddos living in homes with only one adult. In fact, kids raised in healthy single parent households are just as happy as kids raised with two parents.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this saga in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this man was right to break up with his girlfriend? Or would you have handled the situation differently? Feel free to share, and then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing similar relationship drama, look no further than right here.
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Finally, the man shared another update explaining the agreement he came to with his ex
Image credits: Sora Shimazaki (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
He also added a summary of their final decisions, as well as some of his future plans
Image credits: BurningBurner1600
Readers shared even more advice for the man, and the OP answered a few more questions
Any guy that knows they never want kids should probably just get a vasectomy, so they won't end up in this situation.
Well he did try but it's not easy. There are always those who are like "But what if you change your mind" or outright refuse to do it if you are below a certain age
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This was several decades ago, but my mother "accidentally" got pregnant to get my father to marry her. She knew was getting sick and needed someone that was going to take care of her. It didn't work. He was a 22 year old bartender who was neglecting the two kids he already had. She was 34. He left before the shotgun wedding and stayed out of my life for the most part. I don't blame him. He would have been a worse present father than he ever was an absent father. And for those who say those who don't want to have children are selfish an won't have someone to take care of you when you're old... as an child nursemaid and emotional punching bag for my mother, that's a horrible and selfish reason to bring a whole other soul into the world.
All of this could be avoided if doctors respected patients' wishes. I have lived in US and UK and tried to get tubal ligation, and in both countries I was rejected by multiple doctors in the US because I might change my mind (when I countered with, adoption is always an option this was ignored) and in the UK because my theoretical future husband might not agree. On the other hand, they would let me join the army, which I definitely would regret because I'm an adult. Why can't I make birth control decisions? A neurological condition prevents me from taking homonal birth control, and four months into a copper coil I was still bleeding, which led to dangerous anaemia. A few years later I'm happily partnered with someone who also doesn't want kids and they won't give him a vesectomy either. We keep trying, but if conservatives are really anti abortion, they should help us access effective birth control.
I so LOVE the adoption option - 1st you need the guaruntee that the child is PERFECT - or it will sit, being bounced from loveless foster families to loving and then loveless again. 2nd - The MOTHER is literally putting her life and health on the line to have this fetus grow and be born. not only death, but an even more likely cause of lifelong disabilities ( if you don't think urinating every time you sneeze is not embarrassing- try again and that is a minor issue).
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NTA, the dude was clear from the beginning that he can't stand children, and she has to accept that. He said he would pay child support, more she can't expect of him
Advice to OP: get a vasectomy and don’t have any P in V sex without one. Advice to the Ex: see a lawyer and get this whole arrangement in writing. This has way too many opportunities for OP to weasel out later if he feels like it. Don’t waive child support if you remarry unless the new guy legally adopts the baby. The college fund should be an irrevocable trust accessible when your daughter is 35 with expenses allowed for secondary education. Right now, OP can drain it whenever he feels like or if your daughter takes a year or two off before college. Regardless, no one should receive unfettered access to a trust at 18.
Getting one can be hard. My ex was a homeless schizophrenic who was absolutely TERRIFIED of kids. Still couldn't get a Dr to do it til he was 32
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NTA. And she with her "you should try it out maybe you'll like it" doesn't seem to be ready for kids either. It's not a fancy toy you can try and then just leave it in the closet if you decide you don't like it after all.
Why is everyone's go to to argue against people not having children is "who will take care of you when you're old? You'll be all alone" as if having children is a guarantee you will be cared for and that both family and friends don't exist. There are people who don't want kids. Maybe STFU and let them live their lives.
I always wanted kids. I never got the chance. I have mental health issues, so it's probably best I don't, because I wouldn't do well at motherhood. But I cultivate loving relationships with my nieces and nephews and my cousin's kids, and I have tons of friends. I'm not worried about being alone in my old age. I may not even make it that far.
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She never "changed her mind". It honestly sounds like she always knew she wanted kids. She just told him originally she didn't want them because that's what he wanted.
She could have been like me... Not right now - But Husband and I were on the same page - and We worked HARD at NOT getting pregnant till we were "ready" ( hahaha you NEVER ARE) . after 8 YEARS we were ready - 3 frickin months??? Sorry - she has strong issues.
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Well it does sound kind of unlikely to get pregnant on birth control AND condoms. But that aside: She has the right to change her mind and he has the right to stay by his decision. He needs to pay child support, but no one can force him to have a relationship with a kid he did not want and would not want to keep. This is her choice alone (which is fine, if it were the other way round I would of course argue that she can indeed abort a pregnancy she didn't want, even if he would want a baby). But he needs to get a vasectomy stat.
I can't help but think she was on birth control pills, but did not take them as precisely as needed.
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NTA. But this does highlight an important issue that's been in the back of my mind since Roe v Wade was overturned. Before the SCOTUS decision to overturn it, I was strongly against forced child support by the fathers. If mother's can't be compelled to be parents, neither should fathers. BUT things have changed. Women in many states are now forced to be parents whether they want to or not. Men should be as well. Obviously, there are exceptions. But if everyone consented to the sex and one party is forced to birth and raise the child, the other should be too.
Can you see any downsides to “forcing” men to be parents? Do you have any thoughts how this would be enforced? And have you heard the phrase “Two wrongs don’t make a right”?
Load More Replies... It's not her fault she changed her mind, but it isn't his either. Consent to sex was given with the understanding of no baby. If a man says he will use and condom, and doesn't, the partner did not consent to condom less sex, and it's assault. He did not consent to sex that results in a baby, there was no reason to doubt birth control would work or that if it failed she would get an abortion. That's why people are accusing of trapping. If she wants to keep the baby that's great, but she broke the contract, he shouldn't suffer for it Even if legally he is still liable, morally he's clear. After 3 months she wants to marry not just coparent? None of what we've heard about her makes her seem like she's going to be a good mother.
Oof, what a horrible situation. NAH, just two people trying to make the best out of a train wreck.
Whether he's involved or not, OP becomes a father when his daughter is born. He's doing the right thing financially, but someday he's going to have to explain why he shut her out of his life. His logic is sound, but I still think he's an angry selfish SOB. My ex got a snip job after we'd had two kids. But we got divorced, he remarried and tried to have it reversed. (No luck). Life is long if you're lucky, and none of us has any idea what curveballs we'll get. He won't be a self-centered 20-something forever.
Let's not forget that they had only been together for 3 months when this happened... Doesn't sound like a solid relationship to build a family on.
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I sincerely hope you live somewhere you can get a vasectomy.
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If a woman can get an abortion when she doesn't want a baby, a man can walk way. It's s****y, but it should be his right. It seems he's willing to go above and beyond financially, so that's cool. No one should be forced to raise a kid they don't want, it is very damaging to everyone involved.
Well. One more child who will grow up hearing "you're just like your deadbeat father" every time she doesn't please her idiot mother. OP is being a lot nicer to this chick than she deserves, considering she lied about being on birth control and probably took a pin to the condoms.
She seems weirdly obsessed with her little family fantasy. "You'll love it once you try it!" Uh-huh. Baby-trapping has been going on forever, honey. It rarely ends in a happy family. Hopefully having the lesbian aunties there will be enough of a support system that the mum won't resent the daughter for not being successful in her plot to trap a high-income husband. I hate suspecting a woman of such, but it's all way too neat and tidy to be otherwise.
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Guess he doesn’t realize that as his income rises support would too. The support amount he is paying is very low compared to income and time or lack there of with child. I’d be telling him to stuff it. Everything will go through the courts. That way things stay on the up and up. And the amounts are legal. Been there, done that. And support doesn’t end when one gets married, that’s alimony. Support continues until 18.
Yeah, I was on the pill and we ALWAYS used condoms. My son should have been born with a hormone imbalance wearing a shower cap. OP does say he has a vasectomy planned, which would have been my first suggestion. He has every right to not want to be a father, so everyone needs to just back off. I would strongly suggest he go through the court for child support, though.
I think OP is a sensible man who thinks about the poor childs feelings being with a father who didn't want her. I have a familymember, who got pregnant, didn't want an abortion or adoption and got the father to marry her. It was not a happy marriage, and the poor son had a sad life, because in the end his mother also got to resent him, though she did realise her sad life was not his fault but her own.
Boy, if only someone would have explained the possible outcome of sexual intercourse. This could have been completely avoided.
I think that this agreement between you two should clearly state that these funds are for the support of the child and are in lieu of court-ordered amounts because the two of you decided to go this route instead. Also, clearly state that if she marries, her new husband takes on the role of provider for the child (personally, I think you are stuck with support unless he adopts her). I would add some provisions to the college fund that it will be available for any post-secondary education ( think Culinary Institute, Julliard, etc) until she reaches age 25 or 30 - because some of us take a while to know what we want. Run all of this through estate attorneys for the trust fund and family attorneys for the support agreement. As she will likely be the only child you ever have, and you will hear things through your sisters, you may want some sort of escape clause in there. What if the Mom dies, can your sisters have standing to adopt her? What if she needs bone marrow? Never say never.
While I applaud this upstanding guy, I don't agree with what he is doing. I am a woman, and I think women who get pregnant when they know the man didn't want to, should not be granted any child support from any court. Women constantly hold men hostage, either by "saying" he sexually assaulted me or by getting pregnant. The former is the most disturbing. Without any proof whatsoever, his life is ruined over an unproven statement. Meanwhile women parade around half naked and how dare a man whistle at them. Now he's saddled with debt he never wanted, never asked for. As for writing a letter to the child. I would never advise that. That just produces more heartache for the child forever. I truly think if she didn't want an abortion that he would pay for, then he should just walk away, period.
He told her from the beginning he didn't want children. She wasn't listening or she was using her "Wish" ears, as in "I wish xxx would happen."
What is insane--WHY my gosh WHY involve his sister? What if the child is visiting the sister and he drops by? Also, she will always have a way to him through the sister--and how does she explain that the sister is the aunt but who knows who the father is? He is insane to let this go on with the sister. If he wants separation, he should keeps things totally separate. Will they lie to the kid and say the sister is just a good friend? Also, this child support is NOT generous. Unless it's legally designated child support she will have to pay TAX on it, which will take away 1/3 to 1/2. That's less than I got, and with taxes I would be down to $5 left a month including my salary. Raising a child is damn expensive. For some of my daughter's sports travel teams I would be paying hundreds a month for travel and fees.
He can't really just walk away unless he wants to give up all rights to the child. I don't like this situation from either direction.
There's a normal procedure where all rights and obligations are signed away if mother also signs. This is pretty common in family court. It protects the mother too, as no objection to put of state travel or schooling can be raised by the father.
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I'm sorry, but this girl trapped him into fatherhood. It would be incredibly unlucky for the pill AND a condom to not work. She either stopped taking the pill and put a hole in the condom or she's the unluckiest woman on the planet. Yes, one might fail (but the pill is 99.5% sure), but both methods? Nah. Don't believe that. I think she liked him, had this vision in her head of them living happily ever after together with baby. Her reaction tells me she was shocked to the core that he didn't fulfil his part in her fantasy. It's an awful shame that he is now going to have to pay for a baby that truly shouldn't have been conceived.
I agree with you. She seemed so obsessed with that fantasy, utterly ignoring his insistence he doesn't want to be a father. He appears to be the well-earning placeholder for her little dream. And I'm old enough to have seen many women "accidentally" get pregnant to get the guy to commit more fully. It doesn't usually work. I also realized my one ex was sabotaging my bc because he knew I wanted to leave him. I ran. But she needs to learn, as I have recently and painfully learned, it is impossible to force or manipulate someone into loving you or staying with you (I didn't realize I was being manipulative, but now I look back and I can see that I was). All that being said, he should have sought an out-of-state vasectomy as soon as he could afford it rather than having sex knowing that his swimmers could swim.
Load More Replies... Perhaps if they had actually been mature enough to have the important conversations in their 3 month relationship, this whole mess could have been avoided. To me it sounds as if they really didn't know eachother well enough to actually be in a long term, mature and committed relationship(and perhaps that wasn't even what they initially wanted). I wish them both well.
It seems like they did have an understanding, she just was mistaken or untruthful.
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He is willing to travel out of state for an abortion but not for a vasectomy? I find it strange that conservative states (his words) would have an issue with body autonomy. I'm not sure about how it is for women in my country (I should find out) but I had a vasectomy in my mid 20s made the appointment some quick background questions and snip snip.
He’s 25 years old. He wants a harmless medical procedure, which won’t harm anybody else. And yet he has been refused and will have to travel, at his own expense, to another state to undergo it. Maybe - just maybe - you should direct your anger at America’s wildly misguided health system.
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There's always risk when having sex whilst you are capable of initiating conception. Get a vasectomy, stop putting all the responsibility on the females.
Has he “put all the responsibility on the females”? They were both using birth control and both agreed in advance that they did not intend to get pregnant.
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What a douche bag. So fly to another state and get a vasectomy, just like you wanted her to fly to another state and get an abortion. I am sorry she got pregnant, but it's her CHOICE. That's what choice is about. I am glad he's paying money. He didn't have to do that.
For people seeking vasectomies in the US, Planned Parenthood, where they haven't been forced to close, will usually offer this, and if they don't they will put you in touch with someone who will. Even without insurance it's not usually more than $1000, which is much less than tubal ligation, and definitely less than child support.
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He should put it together with a lawyer and the college fund should be left to the kid no conditions attached. Plus he should still pay ( a reduced) child support even if the ex gets married
Gotta be honest...he is an A.R.S.E.H.O.L.E! I respect his choice for not wanting children. But he didn't push to make that a permanent choice. And he still had s.e.x. Which, we all know, can result in pregnancy, even if we use protection. None, we all know, is 100% proof. And the way he treated her... appalling. (Many of the comments from other posters were all about blaming her too 🤬). It just shows, to me, the utter hatred and contempt so many men have towards women. ...... However. Kudos for him for setting up good child support. And ensuring his sister plays a roll in the child's life. There should be no conditions added to it though. And none for the fund he is setting up for her regards college. That should be for her to use as needed for her future. Even if she chooses against college, there are other ways to gain a good career (apprenticeship for eg) that she would still require support for. It should be for education in any form.
Once again, may I remind you that they had only been together 3 months... It isn't like he led her on for years and suddenly decided not to make a family with her.
Load More Replies... You definitely should have an ironclad vasectomy so you won't breed. I cannot believe that your former partner would even want you in her life. It will be difficult for her but I hope she can have an epiphany and love her child. When the kid starts asking questions, she can honestly say that you don't exist.
If he does not want to be a father his children wouldn't benefit from him in their lives. Signed: a person with a father that realized he really did not want children
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If you had bothered to read the article you would see that the baby is 100% his by DNA test.
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After all of this and you're sticking to the "she trapped him route". Despite him saying he believed her when she said she didn't want kids, despite knowing that contraception is not 100% effective.
Load More Replies... Any guy that knows they never want kids should probably just get a vasectomy, so they won't end up in this situation.
Well he did try but it's not easy. There are always those who are like "But what if you change your mind" or outright refuse to do it if you are below a certain age
Load More Replies... This was several decades ago, but my mother "accidentally" got pregnant to get my father to marry her. She knew was getting sick and needed someone that was going to take care of her. It didn't work. He was a 22 year old bartender who was neglecting the two kids he already had. She was 34. He left before the shotgun wedding and stayed out of my life for the most part. I don't blame him. He would have been a worse present father than he ever was an absent father. And for those who say those who don't want to have children are selfish an won't have someone to take care of you when you're old... as an child nursemaid and emotional punching bag for my mother, that's a horrible and selfish reason to bring a whole other soul into the world.
All of this could be avoided if doctors respected patients' wishes. I have lived in US and UK and tried to get tubal ligation, and in both countries I was rejected by multiple doctors in the US because I might change my mind (when I countered with, adoption is always an option this was ignored) and in the UK because my theoretical future husband might not agree. On the other hand, they would let me join the army, which I definitely would regret because I'm an adult. Why can't I make birth control decisions? A neurological condition prevents me from taking homonal birth control, and four months into a copper coil I was still bleeding, which led to dangerous anaemia. A few years later I'm happily partnered with someone who also doesn't want kids and they won't give him a vesectomy either. We keep trying, but if conservatives are really anti abortion, they should help us access effective birth control.
I so LOVE the adoption option - 1st you need the guaruntee that the child is PERFECT - or it will sit, being bounced from loveless foster families to loving and then loveless again. 2nd - The MOTHER is literally putting her life and health on the line to have this fetus grow and be born. not only death, but an even more likely cause of lifelong disabilities ( if you don't think urinating every time you sneeze is not embarrassing- try again and that is a minor issue).
Load More Replies... NTA, the dude was clear from the beginning that he can't stand children, and she has to accept that. He said he would pay child support, more she can't expect of him
Advice to OP: get a vasectomy and don’t have any P in V sex without one. Advice to the Ex: see a lawyer and get this whole arrangement in writing. This has way too many opportunities for OP to weasel out later if he feels like it. Don’t waive child support if you remarry unless the new guy legally adopts the baby. The college fund should be an irrevocable trust accessible when your daughter is 35 with expenses allowed for secondary education. Right now, OP can drain it whenever he feels like or if your daughter takes a year or two off before college. Regardless, no one should receive unfettered access to a trust at 18.
Getting one can be hard. My ex was a homeless schizophrenic who was absolutely TERRIFIED of kids. Still couldn't get a Dr to do it til he was 32
Load More Replies... NTA. And she with her "you should try it out maybe you'll like it" doesn't seem to be ready for kids either. It's not a fancy toy you can try and then just leave it in the closet if you decide you don't like it after all.
Why is everyone's go to to argue against people not having children is "who will take care of you when you're old? You'll be all alone" as if having children is a guarantee you will be cared for and that both family and friends don't exist. There are people who don't want kids. Maybe STFU and let them live their lives.
I always wanted kids. I never got the chance. I have mental health issues, so it's probably best I don't, because I wouldn't do well at motherhood. But I cultivate loving relationships with my nieces and nephews and my cousin's kids, and I have tons of friends. I'm not worried about being alone in my old age. I may not even make it that far.
Load More Replies... She never "changed her mind". It honestly sounds like she always knew she wanted kids. She just told him originally she didn't want them because that's what he wanted.
She could have been like me... Not right now - But Husband and I were on the same page - and We worked HARD at NOT getting pregnant till we were "ready" ( hahaha you NEVER ARE) . after 8 YEARS we were ready - 3 frickin months??? Sorry - she has strong issues.
Load More Replies... Well it does sound kind of unlikely to get pregnant on birth control AND condoms. But that aside: She has the right to change her mind and he has the right to stay by his decision. He needs to pay child support, but no one can force him to have a relationship with a kid he did not want and would not want to keep. This is her choice alone (which is fine, if it were the other way round I would of course argue that she can indeed abort a pregnancy she didn't want, even if he would want a baby). But he needs to get a vasectomy stat.
I can't help but think she was on birth control pills, but did not take them as precisely as needed.
Load More Replies... NTA. But this does highlight an important issue that's been in the back of my mind since Roe v Wade was overturned. Before the SCOTUS decision to overturn it, I was strongly against forced child support by the fathers. If mother's can't be compelled to be parents, neither should fathers. BUT things have changed. Women in many states are now forced to be parents whether they want to or not. Men should be as well. Obviously, there are exceptions. But if everyone consented to the sex and one party is forced to birth and raise the child, the other should be too.
Can you see any downsides to “forcing” men to be parents? Do you have any thoughts how this would be enforced? And have you heard the phrase “Two wrongs don’t make a right”?
Load More Replies... It's not her fault she changed her mind, but it isn't his either. Consent to sex was given with the understanding of no baby. If a man says he will use and condom, and doesn't, the partner did not consent to condom less sex, and it's assault. He did not consent to sex that results in a baby, there was no reason to doubt birth control would work or that if it failed she would get an abortion. That's why people are accusing of trapping. If she wants to keep the baby that's great, but she broke the contract, he shouldn't suffer for it Even if legally he is still liable, morally he's clear. After 3 months she wants to marry not just coparent? None of what we've heard about her makes her seem like she's going to be a good mother.
Oof, what a horrible situation. NAH, just two people trying to make the best out of a train wreck.
Whether he's involved or not, OP becomes a father when his daughter is born. He's doing the right thing financially, but someday he's going to have to explain why he shut her out of his life. His logic is sound, but I still think he's an angry selfish SOB. My ex got a snip job after we'd had two kids. But we got divorced, he remarried and tried to have it reversed. (No luck). Life is long if you're lucky, and none of us has any idea what curveballs we'll get. He won't be a self-centered 20-something forever.
Let's not forget that they had only been together for 3 months when this happened... Doesn't sound like a solid relationship to build a family on.
Load More Replies... I sincerely hope you live somewhere you can get a vasectomy.
Load More Replies... If a woman can get an abortion when she doesn't want a baby, a man can walk way. It's s****y, but it should be his right. It seems he's willing to go above and beyond financially, so that's cool. No one should be forced to raise a kid they don't want, it is very damaging to everyone involved.
Well. One more child who will grow up hearing "you're just like your deadbeat father" every time she doesn't please her idiot mother. OP is being a lot nicer to this chick than she deserves, considering she lied about being on birth control and probably took a pin to the condoms.
She seems weirdly obsessed with her little family fantasy. "You'll love it once you try it!" Uh-huh. Baby-trapping has been going on forever, honey. It rarely ends in a happy family. Hopefully having the lesbian aunties there will be enough of a support system that the mum won't resent the daughter for not being successful in her plot to trap a high-income husband. I hate suspecting a woman of such, but it's all way too neat and tidy to be otherwise.
Load More Replies... Guess he doesn’t realize that as his income rises support would too. The support amount he is paying is very low compared to income and time or lack there of with child. I’d be telling him to stuff it. Everything will go through the courts. That way things stay on the up and up. And the amounts are legal. Been there, done that. And support doesn’t end when one gets married, that’s alimony. Support continues until 18.
Yeah, I was on the pill and we ALWAYS used condoms. My son should have been born with a hormone imbalance wearing a shower cap. OP does say he has a vasectomy planned, which would have been my first suggestion. He has every right to not want to be a father, so everyone needs to just back off. I would strongly suggest he go through the court for child support, though.
I think OP is a sensible man who thinks about the poor childs feelings being with a father who didn't want her. I have a familymember, who got pregnant, didn't want an abortion or adoption and got the father to marry her. It was not a happy marriage, and the poor son had a sad life, because in the end his mother also got to resent him, though she did realise her sad life was not his fault but her own.
Boy, if only someone would have explained the possible outcome of sexual intercourse. This could have been completely avoided.
I think that this agreement between you two should clearly state that these funds are for the support of the child and are in lieu of court-ordered amounts because the two of you decided to go this route instead. Also, clearly state that if she marries, her new husband takes on the role of provider for the child (personally, I think you are stuck with support unless he adopts her). I would add some provisions to the college fund that it will be available for any post-secondary education ( think Culinary Institute, Julliard, etc) until she reaches age 25 or 30 - because some of us take a while to know what we want. Run all of this through estate attorneys for the trust fund and family attorneys for the support agreement. As she will likely be the only child you ever have, and you will hear things through your sisters, you may want some sort of escape clause in there. What if the Mom dies, can your sisters have standing to adopt her? What if she needs bone marrow? Never say never.
While I applaud this upstanding guy, I don't agree with what he is doing. I am a woman, and I think women who get pregnant when they know the man didn't want to, should not be granted any child support from any court. Women constantly hold men hostage, either by "saying" he sexually assaulted me or by getting pregnant. The former is the most disturbing. Without any proof whatsoever, his life is ruined over an unproven statement. Meanwhile women parade around half naked and how dare a man whistle at them. Now he's saddled with debt he never wanted, never asked for. As for writing a letter to the child. I would never advise that. That just produces more heartache for the child forever. I truly think if she didn't want an abortion that he would pay for, then he should just walk away, period.
He told her from the beginning he didn't want children. She wasn't listening or she was using her "Wish" ears, as in "I wish xxx would happen."
What is insane--WHY my gosh WHY involve his sister? What if the child is visiting the sister and he drops by? Also, she will always have a way to him through the sister--and how does she explain that the sister is the aunt but who knows who the father is? He is insane to let this go on with the sister. If he wants separation, he should keeps things totally separate. Will they lie to the kid and say the sister is just a good friend? Also, this child support is NOT generous. Unless it's legally designated child support she will have to pay TAX on it, which will take away 1/3 to 1/2. That's less than I got, and with taxes I would be down to $5 left a month including my salary. Raising a child is damn expensive. For some of my daughter's sports travel teams I would be paying hundreds a month for travel and fees.
He can't really just walk away unless he wants to give up all rights to the child. I don't like this situation from either direction.
There's a normal procedure where all rights and obligations are signed away if mother also signs. This is pretty common in family court. It protects the mother too, as no objection to put of state travel or schooling can be raised by the father.
Load More Replies... I'm sorry, but this girl trapped him into fatherhood. It would be incredibly unlucky for the pill AND a condom to not work. She either stopped taking the pill and put a hole in the condom or she's the unluckiest woman on the planet. Yes, one might fail (but the pill is 99.5% sure), but both methods? Nah. Don't believe that. I think she liked him, had this vision in her head of them living happily ever after together with baby. Her reaction tells me she was shocked to the core that he didn't fulfil his part in her fantasy. It's an awful shame that he is now going to have to pay for a baby that truly shouldn't have been conceived.
I agree with you. She seemed so obsessed with that fantasy, utterly ignoring his insistence he doesn't want to be a father. He appears to be the well-earning placeholder for her little dream. And I'm old enough to have seen many women "accidentally" get pregnant to get the guy to commit more fully. It doesn't usually work. I also realized my one ex was sabotaging my bc because he knew I wanted to leave him. I ran. But she needs to learn, as I have recently and painfully learned, it is impossible to force or manipulate someone into loving you or staying with you (I didn't realize I was being manipulative, but now I look back and I can see that I was). All that being said, he should have sought an out-of-state vasectomy as soon as he could afford it rather than having sex knowing that his swimmers could swim.
Load More Replies... Perhaps if they had actually been mature enough to have the important conversations in their 3 month relationship, this whole mess could have been avoided. To me it sounds as if they really didn't know eachother well enough to actually be in a long term, mature and committed relationship(and perhaps that wasn't even what they initially wanted). I wish them both well.
It seems like they did have an understanding, she just was mistaken or untruthful.
Load More Replies... He is willing to travel out of state for an abortion but not for a vasectomy? I find it strange that conservative states (his words) would have an issue with body autonomy. I'm not sure about how it is for women in my country (I should find out) but I had a vasectomy in my mid 20s made the appointment some quick background questions and snip snip.
He’s 25 years old. He wants a harmless medical procedure, which won’t harm anybody else. And yet he has been refused and will have to travel, at his own expense, to another state to undergo it. Maybe - just maybe - you should direct your anger at America’s wildly misguided health system.
Load More Replies... There's always risk when having sex whilst you are capable of initiating conception. Get a vasectomy, stop putting all the responsibility on the females.
Has he “put all the responsibility on the females”? They were both using birth control and both agreed in advance that they did not intend to get pregnant.
Load More Replies... What a douche bag. So fly to another state and get a vasectomy, just like you wanted her to fly to another state and get an abortion. I am sorry she got pregnant, but it's her CHOICE. That's what choice is about. I am glad he's paying money. He didn't have to do that.
For people seeking vasectomies in the US, Planned Parenthood, where they haven't been forced to close, will usually offer this, and if they don't they will put you in touch with someone who will. Even without insurance it's not usually more than $1000, which is much less than tubal ligation, and definitely less than child support.
Load More Replies... He should put it together with a lawyer and the college fund should be left to the kid no conditions attached. Plus he should still pay ( a reduced) child support even if the ex gets married
Gotta be honest...he is an A.R.S.E.H.O.L.E! I respect his choice for not wanting children. But he didn't push to make that a permanent choice. And he still had s.e.x. Which, we all know, can result in pregnancy, even if we use protection. None, we all know, is 100% proof. And the way he treated her... appalling. (Many of the comments from other posters were all about blaming her too 🤬). It just shows, to me, the utter hatred and contempt so many men have towards women. ...... However. Kudos for him for setting up good child support. And ensuring his sister plays a roll in the child's life. There should be no conditions added to it though. And none for the fund he is setting up for her regards college. That should be for her to use as needed for her future. Even if she chooses against college, there are other ways to gain a good career (apprenticeship for eg) that she would still require support for. It should be for education in any form.
Once again, may I remind you that they had only been together 3 months... It isn't like he led her on for years and suddenly decided not to make a family with her.
Load More Replies... You definitely should have an ironclad vasectomy so you won't breed. I cannot believe that your former partner would even want you in her life. It will be difficult for her but I hope she can have an epiphany and love her child. When the kid starts asking questions, she can honestly say that you don't exist.
If he does not want to be a father his children wouldn't benefit from him in their lives. Signed: a person with a father that realized he really did not want children
Load More Replies... If you had bothered to read the article you would see that the baby is 100% his by DNA test.
Load More Replies... After all of this and you're sticking to the "she trapped him route". Despite him saying he believed her when she said she didn't want kids, despite knowing that contraception is not 100% effective.
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