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77
Guy Ruins Relationship With One Sentence, Doesn’t Even Realize: “I Nearly Fell Off My Chair”
Interview With Expert
People choose to be child-free for various reasons. It could be a matter of finances, freedom, health, mental health or any other factor. Either way, it’s a personal decision that should be respected. Some couples discuss whether or not they want kids early on in their relationship, others wait until things get serious.
When one woman started dating a guy who was going through a divorce, she told him from the get-go that she doesn’t ever want kids. Already a father, he was fine with it. But now that his divorce is finalized, he’s spiraling and suddenly wants more children. The minute his 45-year-old girlfriend heard this, she made up her mind that she can no longer be with him. He doesn’t seem to get it. And she’s wondering how to make him understand. Etiquette Expert Rosalinda Randall kindly offered her advice during an interview with Bored Panda.
RELATED:
Dating someone while they’re navigating a divorce can come with its own unique set of challenges
Image credits: drobotdean (not the actual image)
When this woman’s BF started “spiraling” and suddenly did an about-turn on wanting kids, she knew she couldn’t stay
Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
Image credits: Guapa79
“Enter with caution and don’t dismiss the red flags”: an expert’s advice about dating a recently-divorced person
Anyone who enters into a relationship with someone who is going through a divorce, or recently got divorced, must expect some uncertainty. So says Etiquette Expert Rosalinda Randall. Bored Panda reached out to her for some advice on behalf of the woman…
“Sometimes, after a divorce, people go wild and live life elated from the newfound freedom,” warns Randall. “But then, when life goes back to normal, friends have chosen sides, the grieving process begins. Not necessarily for their ex, but for what was and not knowing what’s next.” During this time, newly-divorced people often do a lot of self-reflection. They might get into “rebound relationships.”
“When you are dating a recently-divorced person, their perspective on what kind of relationship they want may change after several months,” Randall warns. “Enter with caution and don’t dismiss the red flags.”
Randall said she’d advise the woman to trust her gut. “Do you really need an ex-lover as a friend? That would be a big fat no,” warns the expert. “Are you qualified or do you have the desire to be his therapist? If your answer is yes, it’s time to re-evaluate why.”
Randall says once the woman should ask herself what will happen once she’s helped the guy get through the spiraling process. According to her, “You will have succeeded in preparing him for the next girl.”
When it comes to the issue of whether or not to have children, Randall says the woman needs to ask herself whether it’s only her medical condition that’s preventing her from becoming a mom. “This doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t ever want a child through other methods like adoption,” she added. “This is important because if he were to re-establish a relationship with his children, they would become a part of your life as well.”
Randall says if the circumstances are not conducive to the relationship goals the woman has for herself, it’s time to wish him well and then cut the cord.
As for the man, Randall thinks he should ask himself whether he’s able to be alone. Has he ever been single, without a girlfriend? Many men jump from one relationship to another, she says, leaving no time to evaluate whether they want a long-term or a casual non-committal relationship.
The expert says this is fine, as long they are clear about it. “Keeping a girlfriend around so that you don’t feel lonely or until you’re ready to move on is selfish and unkind,” warns Randall. “Before you entangle another woman, you need to untangle the relationship with your children; that must be your priority. Get it together and be the first one to humble up and extend the offer of peace with your ex-wife. She holds the key to your children.”
The woman gave more info in the comments, as people shared their advice
The woman later gave an update on how things had turned out
Image credits: rawpixel.com (not the actual image)
Image credits: freepik (not the actual image)
Image credits: Guapa79
“What a selfish guy”: many people showered her with support
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What do you think ?
Nils Skirnir 8 months ago
Dating in mid-forties and expecting children is pretty stupid. Menopause hits anywhere between 43 and 50.
Bartlet for world domination 8 months ago
Menopause can hit heartbreakingly early, but on average at 51, for women in the States (52 where I'm from).
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Paul C 8 months ago
It sounds like he is totally mixed up and his biggest problem was getting into a relationship before he had come to terms with the end of his previous one. The new children thoughts could easily be because he misses his current children. I was a few years older when I was going through a divorce. My friends were all encouraging me to "get back on the horse" almost immediately, but it was much longer before I decided I was ready and wouldn't bring the poison (from my ex-wife's cheating) into a new relationship.
FreeTheUnicorn 8 months ago
If he wants new bio kids, dating someone who is 45 is not a good idea. But even if OP was 25 and wanted kids, don't have them with anyone who has kids that don't want to see them. If he'd been a good parent before the divorce, even if there were hard feelings over the split, there would be a relationship to save. But he's giving up, the kids are giving up, and that means he was not much of a parent.
Auntriarch 8 months ago
If he's not doing well with his existing children, that's not a good sign
Load More Replies...
Ginger ninja 8 months ago
Yeah there is a reason he stopped therapy when he started dating you OP, you became his therapist, one that he could sleep with. He only wants kids now as a do over cuz he’s screwed up his relationships with the kids he already has, he’s clearly selfish from that alone but his “we can see each other until I decide what I want”… yeah
Binny Tutera 8 months ago
They call the first relationship after a breakup a “rebound”. They typically don’t last. Some do, but generally the rebound relationship is more of a “getting out there” move.
General Anaesthesia 8 months ago
She says that she doesn't want kids, and that's more than enough. I suspect that at her age, other options would already have been explored if she wanted. Don't turn this on her.
Load More Replies... Nils Skirnir 8 months ago
Dating in mid-forties and expecting children is pretty stupid. Menopause hits anywhere between 43 and 50.
Bartlet for world domination 8 months ago
Menopause can hit heartbreakingly early, but on average at 51, for women in the States (52 where I'm from).
Load More Replies... Paul C 8 months ago
It sounds like he is totally mixed up and his biggest problem was getting into a relationship before he had come to terms with the end of his previous one. The new children thoughts could easily be because he misses his current children. I was a few years older when I was going through a divorce. My friends were all encouraging me to "get back on the horse" almost immediately, but it was much longer before I decided I was ready and wouldn't bring the poison (from my ex-wife's cheating) into a new relationship.
FreeTheUnicorn 8 months ago
If he wants new bio kids, dating someone who is 45 is not a good idea. But even if OP was 25 and wanted kids, don't have them with anyone who has kids that don't want to see them. If he'd been a good parent before the divorce, even if there were hard feelings over the split, there would be a relationship to save. But he's giving up, the kids are giving up, and that means he was not much of a parent.
Auntriarch 8 months ago
If he's not doing well with his existing children, that's not a good sign
Load More Replies... Ginger ninja 8 months ago
Yeah there is a reason he stopped therapy when he started dating you OP, you became his therapist, one that he could sleep with. He only wants kids now as a do over cuz he’s screwed up his relationships with the kids he already has, he’s clearly selfish from that alone but his “we can see each other until I decide what I want”… yeah
Binny Tutera 8 months ago
They call the first relationship after a breakup a “rebound”. They typically don’t last. Some do, but generally the rebound relationship is more of a “getting out there” move.
General Anaesthesia 8 months ago
She says that she doesn't want kids, and that's more than enough. I suspect that at her age, other options would already have been explored if she wanted. Don't turn this on her.
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