“I Laughed In His Face”: Estranged Dad Shows Up After Hearing Daughter Bought A House For Her Nanny
Interview With Expert
Psychologists say that growing up with both a mother and a father is essential for a person’s development. Yet the statistics show that, in the U.S. alone, around 18.3 million children live without a father: that’s about 1 in 4 kids. Thus, other family members or nannies often have to help mothers raise their children.
And sometimes, these kids bond with their nannies so much that they might want to thank them for all their hard work once they’re grown up. That’s what this woman had in mind when she decided to gift her former nanny a house. However, her estranged father then decided to show up and demand financial help. Hesitant whether turning him down was the right choice, the woman asked others to weigh in.
Bored Panda contacted Karl Melvin, an Irish psychotherapist and family estrangement expert. As well as working with estranged adults of all perspectives, he delivers training to professionals globally on the complexity of family dynamics across multiple generations and the challenges of being estranged from family in contemporary society. His first book, Navigating Family Estrangement, is being published by Routledge and will be available for pre-order on June 7th. Read his expert insights about family estrangement below!
More info: Karl Melvin | Pre-order Navigating Family Estrangement | Instagram | Meta | LinkedIn
Children often love their nannies like second mothers, even when they grow up
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)
But when this woman chose to thank her former nanny by gifting her a house, her estranged father was not happy
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: EmotionalFan4852
Reconciliation is a deeply personal choice, family estrangement expert says
Psychotherapist and family estrangement expert Karl Melvin tells Bored Panda that people shouldn’t feel shame for forming stronger bonds with people who aren’t their blood relatives.
“Each bond reflects a complex and dense history shared between people over the course of many years,” he explains. “No one has any right to judge this, and there is no need for shame, as it is just a reflection of the reality of their relationship, irrespective of whether others understand or accept it.”
Other family members may push individuals to reconcile with their estranged parents, just like the siblings in this story. Melvin says that’s partly because of how important family is in our society at large. “Anyone connected to the estranged parties may push for a reconciliation,” he tells Bored Panda.
He points out that family members might do that despite knowing the family history and that it might not work. “Many estranged people feel the need to hold onto the past to mitigate against bowing to any pressure,” he says.
In the end, it’s up to the person to decide whether to reconnect. “A reconciliation is a deeply personal choice,” Melvin says. “A forced or pressurized reconciliation may do more harm than good.”
Reconciliation can also mean different things to people. For some, it’s continuing the old relationship, if there was one. Others expect a genuine effort to reflect on mistakes and work toward creating a more respectful and healthier relationship.
Although the context in this story is lacking, Melvin says that the father possibly cares more about his own needs and feelings. Re-establishing a relationship with his daughter might only come second to him.
The expert says that the daughter should stay true to the reality of the relationship and how it has affected her. “She may also need to be clearer in expressing what she needs from those who struggle to accept her choice,” Melvin says. “And being firm if she feels they are intruding on her autonomy.”
Image credits: SHVETS production / pexels (not the actual photo)
A nanny can become almost like an extended family member
Even when both parents are in the picture, a nanny can create a special bond with a child that lasts a lifetime. You might think of a nanny as just an employee, but the truth is that their relationship with the family can go much deeper.
The Natural Nanny Collective writes that nannies become extended family members. They share the everyday joys and sorrows of their life and are there to witness the most important moments. They claim that the nannies who work in their agency take part in important life events such as graduations and weddings.
Children can become even more attached to live-in nannies. And sometimes, parents might find it difficult to deal with the fact that the child prefers their nanny to them. But that’s not the tragedy most parents imagine it to be. “Children benefit from the love of all the adults in their lives,” parenting coach Sue Atkins writes. “Different caregivers have different gifts to give them in terms of time, patience and interests.”
In this story, the nanny became a closer family member than the estranged father. So it’s natural that the daughter felt the need to take care of the nanny Jane and not the man who was barely in her life. The nanny bond for OP was very strong, regardless of whether the two were related by blood or not.
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
The woman also gave more context in the comments
People showed the woman support and said she’s not the bad guy in this situation
I hate when people talk about blood family. Blood does not make someone family. Love, Connection, Presence, Sacrifice, Help, Advice, and again LOVE creates a bond that will make someone family forever.
For blood you don't get any choice in the matter.
Load More Replies...
There is a HUGE difference between having a reason for being absent from a person's life and a "reason" for abandoning a person ... I'm looking at you, Aiden ...
NTA. I've just written my first will and I've specifically excluded my biological father. In my opinion, DNA means very little and Jane was clearly your chosen family.
Unfortunately, it's not possible to exclude children or parents (if you don't have a husband and/or children) from inheriting where I live.
Load More Replies...
Missed the line, "you're right, I shouldn't buy a house for a stranger....and you are stranger to me.
Exactly. She's seen so little of him, she isn't even 100% certain that actually was her father who showed up.
Load More Replies...
Aiden is NOT a friend! She needs end that relationship if that's how he's going to speak to her.
There's nothing like an inheritance to show you someone's true character.
I've excluded my entire family from inheriting anything from me. Family is not defined just by blood. You can have biological relatives but that does NOT make them family. Definitely NOT TA.
The way some people believe they are entitled to others people's money is baffling to me, especially when kids start to complain that they're retired parents are spending their inheritance. They worked they whole lives to save for a happy retirement, you are not entitled to anything.
My brother's kids had nothing to do with their grandad on their mother's side. He lived a 10 minute drive away. They never visited, never spoke to him, when he came round they hid in their room. When he died he left them £3,000 each (more generous than I would have been). When they were given the money one of them, angrily said they had ordered new furniture that they couldn't afford and they wouldn't have done that if they'd known they weren't getting their 'full inheritance'.
Load More Replies...
Genetc relation =/= family. The sooner people accept this, the better. The only reason a person *needs* to know who their relatives are is for medical purposes, and that's only necessary as far back as grandparents.
Is that even a question?! You owe him NOTHING. I'd ask him this exactly: "what have you done in my entire life that would give you the idea that I would owe you anything?"
Or a 'sausage;' whatever 'floats' his 'boat.' In the meantime, he should refrain from projecting his feelings of paternal absence on OP.
Load More Replies... So you let your daughter struggle emotionally with your absence, start up your own family and then once you find out she has inherited you suddenly show up for that party? Nah, invite revoked literally decades ago.
Wow, Sperm Donor Steve here sounds like a right selfish piece of work. It's so sweet that this person did something so generous for Jane, who sounds like a lovely person. "Daddy Dearest" can go pound sand.
How could you ever doubt in the minimal milimeters that you could be an AITA? Please, you know what you believe in. Stick to it. Even if that friend tells you that you're the AH. That is not a friend. So lovely you gave your Nanna her dues. Please, do not doubt yourself ever again. Your father and his family are freeloaders. Let them do that, that is their way of life. You have a better conception of what relations should be about.
It is possible that there was a reason the Dad was forced away when she was really little. It's unlikely, but possible. It's even possible to believe that he wasn't willing (or able) to come back into her life until after her mother died. What makes it *impossible* to believe is that he immediately started demanding money. If he'd been forced to give her up (for whatever reason) then the first conversation would have been "I'm so sorry I wasn't able to be there all these years. I know you hate me. I hope I can make up for it somehow." Not, "you should be giving me a house".
Whatever the possible reasons for his long absence, it DOES NOT give him the right to demand 'cash or kind' from, what are the 'fruits of the labor' of OP's late mother. The very act of making such a demand just tells me that the best gift he ever gave OP was his continued absence her entire life. He chose the life (and the family and circumstances) he has, he has the life he chose!
Load More Replies...
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb. She doesn’t owe him or his family jack shitt and her “friend” Aiden can go fück himself
Except for Jane. I know of a situation where a teenaged girl was inconsolable when her 'nanny' died. The nanny had been present from her infancy and transitioned to housekeeper as she went off to school, but was always there for her at the beginning and end of each school day, weekends and school vacations while parents were busy with their careers.
Load More Replies...
Family doesn’t end with blood, and it doesn’t start there either…laughing in his face is a glorious response lol
Odd how some people aren't fAmIlY until they attain $$. Then they're royalty. OP is so NTA. Her dad, however, was obviously never taught that money is what you earn, not what you burn. It wouldn't have stopped with just the house ("Well, you can't expect me to live here without utilities, can you?" "Well, what are we supposed to eat?" "My kids need new clothing/shoes/medical/dental insurance.")
Everyone seems to have their heads on straight and can see that the sperm donor is just out for the money. Their comments said it all.
Deadbeat dads don’t deserve their offsprings money or kindness. And it’s hypocritical to pullout the “we’re family” card when he obviously abandoned his family decades ago.
As someone's who's experiences are a bit less to people who have experienced CSA and physical abuse, I dislike when people use their experiences to invalidate or pressure others to do what they would do. I've seen it with people who had better childhoods than me and I've seen it from people who had worse. To each other and occasionally to me. My ex would do it and along with a long, emotionally abusive list it just showed me what kind of person she was. My mother loved me but you don't see me saying my ex should forgive hers either. It's just silly, we did not have the same childhood.
Tell your dad that he can use all the unpaid child support that is owed to you/your mom to buy his family a house. That is very generous.
Seeing the replies claiming Aiden should be cut out, too, made my heart hurt. I'm glad the reply at the end recommended being gentle with him. His pain isn't an excuse, but we're all human. My mom's life insurance basically covered the expense of fixing up her house to sell and break even ($8k I used to invest in the house, $8k to my brother to pay off the student loans he took out for all one semester of school he flunked out of :p) and relatives STILL came out of the woodwork. Yall, $8k is $8k, but this isn't exactly life changing money...
My son & DIL hired an Au Pair to care for their 3 young children while they both worked. The Au Pair loves the girls and they love her. When the Au Pair went back to her country, the girls still called her often... and she them. A little over a year later the Au Pair came back and is taking care of the girls again. So yes, nannies can and do become family. She'll also be at the girls' 1st softball game of the season this Saturday which is an all day affair - 3 games at different times. We (Grandma & Grandpa) will be there as well. Jane definitely is more family than the OP's estranged father. I still can't over how he demanded financial help from his daughter. What a loser.
I don‘t care why he wasn‘t there for her, it doesn‘t really matter. Even if he had been there, his behaviour in demanding to buy him a house is the key here.
Nta you go girl there is nothing wrong with your feelings for either ghost dad or Aiden.
Don't let ANYONE guilt you into having a relationship with your "father". That happened to me when a good friend whose parents had died when he was younger told me he'd do anything to have his parents back. I succumbed to the guilt. MISTAKE. My mother was still the same witch she always had been. Have been NC for over 15 years. Finally she died. My sister and I sang Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
When you abandon your kid, you don't get to show up and act entitled to be part of their life.
If your mom wanted "your sperm donator" to have any part of HER estate, she would have put it in her Will. SHE provided for her family, you and Jane, as for your friend (?) His dad was in jail; apparently yours was not or he wouldn't have a second family
I hate when people talk about blood family. Blood does not make someone family. Love, Connection, Presence, Sacrifice, Help, Advice, and again LOVE creates a bond that will make someone family forever.
For blood you don't get any choice in the matter.
Load More Replies... There is a HUGE difference between having a reason for being absent from a person's life and a "reason" for abandoning a person ... I'm looking at you, Aiden ...
NTA. I've just written my first will and I've specifically excluded my biological father. In my opinion, DNA means very little and Jane was clearly your chosen family.
Unfortunately, it's not possible to exclude children or parents (if you don't have a husband and/or children) from inheriting where I live.
Load More Replies... Missed the line, "you're right, I shouldn't buy a house for a stranger....and you are stranger to me.
Exactly. She's seen so little of him, she isn't even 100% certain that actually was her father who showed up.
Load More Replies... Aiden is NOT a friend! She needs end that relationship if that's how he's going to speak to her.
There's nothing like an inheritance to show you someone's true character.
I've excluded my entire family from inheriting anything from me. Family is not defined just by blood. You can have biological relatives but that does NOT make them family. Definitely NOT TA.
The way some people believe they are entitled to others people's money is baffling to me, especially when kids start to complain that they're retired parents are spending their inheritance. They worked they whole lives to save for a happy retirement, you are not entitled to anything.
My brother's kids had nothing to do with their grandad on their mother's side. He lived a 10 minute drive away. They never visited, never spoke to him, when he came round they hid in their room. When he died he left them £3,000 each (more generous than I would have been). When they were given the money one of them, angrily said they had ordered new furniture that they couldn't afford and they wouldn't have done that if they'd known they weren't getting their 'full inheritance'.
Load More Replies... Genetc relation =/= family. The sooner people accept this, the better. The only reason a person *needs* to know who their relatives are is for medical purposes, and that's only necessary as far back as grandparents.
Is that even a question?! You owe him NOTHING. I'd ask him this exactly: "what have you done in my entire life that would give you the idea that I would owe you anything?"
Or a 'sausage;' whatever 'floats' his 'boat.' In the meantime, he should refrain from projecting his feelings of paternal absence on OP.
Load More Replies... So you let your daughter struggle emotionally with your absence, start up your own family and then once you find out she has inherited you suddenly show up for that party? Nah, invite revoked literally decades ago.
Wow, Sperm Donor Steve here sounds like a right selfish piece of work. It's so sweet that this person did something so generous for Jane, who sounds like a lovely person. "Daddy Dearest" can go pound sand.
How could you ever doubt in the minimal milimeters that you could be an AITA? Please, you know what you believe in. Stick to it. Even if that friend tells you that you're the AH. That is not a friend. So lovely you gave your Nanna her dues. Please, do not doubt yourself ever again. Your father and his family are freeloaders. Let them do that, that is their way of life. You have a better conception of what relations should be about.
It is possible that there was a reason the Dad was forced away when she was really little. It's unlikely, but possible. It's even possible to believe that he wasn't willing (or able) to come back into her life until after her mother died. What makes it *impossible* to believe is that he immediately started demanding money. If he'd been forced to give her up (for whatever reason) then the first conversation would have been "I'm so sorry I wasn't able to be there all these years. I know you hate me. I hope I can make up for it somehow." Not, "you should be giving me a house".
Whatever the possible reasons for his long absence, it DOES NOT give him the right to demand 'cash or kind' from, what are the 'fruits of the labor' of OP's late mother. The very act of making such a demand just tells me that the best gift he ever gave OP was his continued absence her entire life. He chose the life (and the family and circumstances) he has, he has the life he chose!
Load More Replies... The blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb. She doesn’t owe him or his family jack shitt and her “friend” Aiden can go fück himself
Except for Jane. I know of a situation where a teenaged girl was inconsolable when her 'nanny' died. The nanny had been present from her infancy and transitioned to housekeeper as she went off to school, but was always there for her at the beginning and end of each school day, weekends and school vacations while parents were busy with their careers.
Load More Replies... Family doesn’t end with blood, and it doesn’t start there either…laughing in his face is a glorious response lol
Odd how some people aren't fAmIlY until they attain $$. Then they're royalty. OP is so NTA. Her dad, however, was obviously never taught that money is what you earn, not what you burn. It wouldn't have stopped with just the house ("Well, you can't expect me to live here without utilities, can you?" "Well, what are we supposed to eat?" "My kids need new clothing/shoes/medical/dental insurance.")
Everyone seems to have their heads on straight and can see that the sperm donor is just out for the money. Their comments said it all.
Deadbeat dads don’t deserve their offsprings money or kindness. And it’s hypocritical to pullout the “we’re family” card when he obviously abandoned his family decades ago.
As someone's who's experiences are a bit less to people who have experienced CSA and physical abuse, I dislike when people use their experiences to invalidate or pressure others to do what they would do. I've seen it with people who had better childhoods than me and I've seen it from people who had worse. To each other and occasionally to me. My ex would do it and along with a long, emotionally abusive list it just showed me what kind of person she was. My mother loved me but you don't see me saying my ex should forgive hers either. It's just silly, we did not have the same childhood.
Tell your dad that he can use all the unpaid child support that is owed to you/your mom to buy his family a house. That is very generous.
Seeing the replies claiming Aiden should be cut out, too, made my heart hurt. I'm glad the reply at the end recommended being gentle with him. His pain isn't an excuse, but we're all human. My mom's life insurance basically covered the expense of fixing up her house to sell and break even ($8k I used to invest in the house, $8k to my brother to pay off the student loans he took out for all one semester of school he flunked out of :p) and relatives STILL came out of the woodwork. Yall, $8k is $8k, but this isn't exactly life changing money...
My son & DIL hired an Au Pair to care for their 3 young children while they both worked. The Au Pair loves the girls and they love her. When the Au Pair went back to her country, the girls still called her often... and she them. A little over a year later the Au Pair came back and is taking care of the girls again. So yes, nannies can and do become family. She'll also be at the girls' 1st softball game of the season this Saturday which is an all day affair - 3 games at different times. We (Grandma & Grandpa) will be there as well. Jane definitely is more family than the OP's estranged father. I still can't over how he demanded financial help from his daughter. What a loser.
I don‘t care why he wasn‘t there for her, it doesn‘t really matter. Even if he had been there, his behaviour in demanding to buy him a house is the key here.
Nta you go girl there is nothing wrong with your feelings for either ghost dad or Aiden.
Don't let ANYONE guilt you into having a relationship with your "father". That happened to me when a good friend whose parents had died when he was younger told me he'd do anything to have his parents back. I succumbed to the guilt. MISTAKE. My mother was still the same witch she always had been. Have been NC for over 15 years. Finally she died. My sister and I sang Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
When you abandon your kid, you don't get to show up and act entitled to be part of their life.
If your mom wanted "your sperm donator" to have any part of HER estate, she would have put it in her Will. SHE provided for her family, you and Jane, as for your friend (?) His dad was in jail; apparently yours was not or he wouldn't have a second family
84
56