"Am I The Jerk For Calling My BF Absurd For Being Overly Concerned About A Coworker?"

Some of us have been in a relationship where our partner’s drama leaves us scratching our heads, but what do you do when the tears aren’t about a fight with you, or even a personal tragedy, but about a coworker’s coding skills?

It sounds funny, but it was the reality of today’s Original Poster (OP) whose boyfriend broke down over his colleague’s misfortune at work. Worried that it was his reaction was disproportionate to the incident, she began questioning if she was overreacting.

More info: Reddit

Relationships have their interesting moments, but you never really expect to see your partner cry over a coworker’s work review

A male and female colleague discussing data on computer screens in an office, highlighting misogyny workplace tension.

Image credits: DC Studio / Freepik (not the actual photo)

The author noticed her boyfriend began frequently talking about a female coworker, praising her intelligence and claiming she was often unfairly judged by colleagues

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Text excerpt about a boyfriend discussing misogyny faced by a female colleague and jealousy from his girlfriend.

Alt text: Man in tears over misogyny during female colleague’s code review, jealous girlfriend finds situation uncomfortable

Man in tears sitting on bed covering face while female colleague stands distant, highlighting misogyny and jealousy conflict.

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He recounted a code review where multiple coworkers supposedly criticized her work wrongly, becoming visibly emotional and even crying while telling the story

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Man in tears over misogyny, female colleague faces unfair treatment, jealous girlfriend finds situation uncomfortable.

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She expressed discomfort, suggesting that the situation might be more nuanced and that he was overreacting

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Text on plain background reading AITA for not believing his take on the situation and being weirded out that he cried over it discussing BF in tears over misogyny.

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Her boyfriend became upset and accused her of being uncaring and disrespectful of his values

The OP explained that her boyfriend, who works in tech, began frequently talking about a female coworker he felt was being treated unfairly. According to him, others at the company assumed she was incompetent despite her being highly skilled. However, he insisted that he was one of the few people who truly understood her talent and defended her when others didn’t.

He then told her about a recent code review incident. He shared that multiple engineers questioned the coworker’s work, but he insisted they were wrong and she was ultimately proven correct. What shocked the OP most wasn’t the story itself, but the fact that he broke down crying while telling it.

To her, the emotional response felt disproportionate, and she struggled to understand how a routine workplace disagreement could cause such a reaction. Code reviews, especially in tech, are known for being collaborative and sometimes contentious, not personal attacks, for all she knew. She also struggled to understand why he was so invested in the coworker’s career.

When she expressed discomfort and questioned his reaction, her boyfriend accused her of being uncaring and disrespectful of his values. She, on the other hand, felt he was projecting deeply and becoming too emotionally entangled in the coworker’s professional struggles.

Woman looking upset and jealous with boyfriend in tears over misogyny from female colleague in a tense living room scene.

Image credits: cookie_studio / Freepik (not the actual photo)

The boyfriend crying over a coworker’s code review may seem extreme, but it reflects broader patterns observed in both workplace dynamics and human psychology. According to the WomenTech Network, women in tech indeed often face persistent gender bias and unfair treatment, including harsher judgment, microaggressions, and slower career advancement.

While it’s unclear whether the coworker in question experienced these issues, the boyfriend’s perception that she was being undervalued echoes real challenges faced by many women in technology, highlighting why some colleagues feel compelled to step in and advocate for them.

However, the intensity of his reaction also illustrates the risks of emotional overinvestment. Licensed psychotherapist Mark Zuccolo explains that becoming overly attached to someone else’s work can negatively impact your own well-being. Unlike healthy empathy, which allows for support without absorbing someone else’s emotions, overinvestment can blur boundaries, create anxiety, and even breed resentment.

Adding another layer, Mentalzon explains that people who excessively defend or “rescue” coworkers often do so as part of rescuer syndrome or codependent behavior, seeking personal validation through others’ struggles. This can involve projecting personal values onto colleagues or assuming they need saving when they may not, ultimately leading to overinvolvement.

Netizens largely sympathized with the OP’s boyfriend, pointing him out as empathetic and concerned about real workplace sexism. They suggested that the OP might be projecting jealousy or misunderstanding his intentions, and encouraged her to consider her partner’s perspective and stress, rather than focusing on her discomfort.

Do you think the OP is overreacting, or is it reasonable to feel uncomfortable with this level of emotional investment? We would love to know your thoughts!

Netizens supported the boyfriend, insisting that the author might be dealing with jealousy

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Screenshot of a Reddit comment discussing jealousy over a boyfriend’s emotional investment in a female colleague.

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