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Scotland, a country that has been part of the UK for more than 300 years, is known for many things, such as deep-friend mars bars, whiskey, and numerous genius inventions that make our lives so much easier. But there's probably one thing you didn't know about Scottish people, it's their one of a kind sense of humor that started making waves across the internet, especially on twitter. Not only are their jokes crude and funny, but they are also written in the way they speak. Scots have the unique ability to make other laugh and make their thrive at the same time. Ready for some unadulterated jokes? Then scroll below
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#1
Lucas 5 years ago
The very least of the weird things on the Edinburgh to Glasgae train you'll hear...
Roselyn Park 5 years ago
A travelling companion of mine was given a live lobster in a shopping bag by an elderly gent whilst travelling on that selfsame line. His motivation was unclear, and we had a weird time cooking it in a backpackers’ hostel kitchen. I would never do it again (cruelty), but it still sticks in my memory almost thirty years later.
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Elaine Mattingly 5 years ago
I would have laughed till I cried 1. because it's so funny 2.because he isnt my husband.
RELATED:
#2
Morgan Rathjen 5 years ago
i feel like your profile picture is asking me why i haven’t practiced french today and it scares me
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Evan Martin 5 years ago
And ducks quack...that's all well and good, but I think you're missing the point the poster was making.
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Truth Monster 5 years ago
And using wigs, makeup, lashes every day to conform to someone's ideal of beauty is somehow preferable?
cassiushumanmother 5 years ago
But scottish men can wear skirts, i mean kilts (i don't want to be struck down by the scottish god).
Loki’s Lil Butter Knife 5 years ago (edited)
Hah hah, wise choice there. That's why men in Scotland wear a sgian-dubh (small ceremonial knife) with their Highland dress- just in case anyone has the gall to call a "kilt" a "skirt." Disclaimer: Men in Scotland do not actually use the sgian-dubh to stab people who refer to kilts as "man skirts."
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Phunny Philosopher 5 years ago
Ooh! That's a good one I hadn't heard yet.
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#4
Liam Walsh 5 years ago
Remember having that conversation with a mate at work when we were commuting - wasp gets on at our station and ends up in London not knowing what the f**k happened!
Chris Jones 5 years ago
Yeah - wasps/bees have social groups. Not so sure about flies!!
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Craig Silberman 5 years ago
I used to think that of flies that would get into the car on a road trip
Markus Holstein 5 years ago
The immortal George Carlin had one about that: "I always try to explain to the fly what an amzing thing is currently happening to them, but they only care about how fast they're going. They say a frog's tongue wouldn't stand a chance against such speed"
Damon Gates 5 years ago
This sounds like a set-up for a joke: "A fly, a wasp, and a duck get on a London-bound train..."
Spring Fisk 5 years ago
he probably did it on purpose. Why fly all the way to Florida? Just let the friendly sky's take you there.
#5
Lucas 5 years ago
He wants the deep fried mars bar but knows he's not supposed to eat chocolate!
Blake Ingram 5 years ago
Whats a Mars Bar? Don't think we have them in Florida.
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Chris Jones 5 years ago
Cos he looks like Billy Connolly! 😁 Also don't foget about Scottie dogs.
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#6
Bobbilee 5 years ago
I totally gave my husband a father day card last year from our dog. Lmao. I even painted her paw and signed the card with her PAW PRINT.
N S 5 years ago (edited)
That reminds me of that instance a former GF came crying into my dormitory at Uni, handing me a pregnancy test. I crapped my pants in an instant only to find a minute later that she had misread the pregnancy test (needs two lines, not just one, which turned out to be the positive control) :D
#8
Lucas 5 years ago
Baby photo on tshirt looks like there is a real baby in the washer
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#9
Archie McHeid 5 years ago
they'll be sitting next tae the oven on full wi the door open tae git a sweat oan, then letting it get a bit wiffy, then sniffin their ane t-shirts for the rest of the week like a safety blanket
Bacony 5 years ago (edited)
She's saying that the Gym Guys's only personality is going to the Gym, and all the Gyms are closed.
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Thomas Ewing 5 years ago
He took the remote control to the TV set(s) with him.
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Elaine Mattingly 5 years ago
And you've been grounded ever sence. Not to worry two more weeks and you'll be old enough to move out.
Celeste Grant 5 years ago
This happens way more often than people imagine... kids bring all sorts to school often to get revenge on those at home!
#11
Meyer Weinstock 5 years ago (edited)
Grams survived the Second War and Macmillan's government, she can handle a party...
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#12
#13
Betsy Knox 5 years ago
Flip flops and thongs are interchangeable terms for the footwear in California.
Meyer Weinstock 5 years ago
The older Cali-Spanish is flojo (pronounced flo-hoe), or lazy...so when mama wanted your flojos, we brought our lazy cousins to her, and she still got mad.
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Missy Moo Moo 5 years ago
Yup! And a rubber is something we use to rub out the mistake when we use a pencil
CrunChewy McSandybutt 5 years ago
Back in the 80s flip flops were called thongs. And then some dude invented the underwear.
Analyn Lahr 5 years ago
I call them flip-flops. Some Americans call them thongs. I think it's a regional/age thing.
Meyer Weinstock 5 years ago
So, does that mean that we all flip-flopped on the issue?
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Karen Johnston 5 years ago
Now mind you, I grew up in the 60's, from Chicago, and we called them thongs then. Imagine my confusion when someone suggested wearing them as underwear.
#14
Kesam 5 years ago (edited)
I know it's supposed to be a joke but it reflects how many drivers think and that is weird. A car takes up much more space than a bike. A car is much more dangerous too. And don't tell me cyclists "don't follow the rules!" Never seen a driver going over the speed limit? Or parking where they shouldn't? Driving drunk?
Terd Fergison 5 years ago
Not funny at all. Cyclists in my part of the world have the right of way to take a full lane of traffic if there is no bike lane. Threatening them with injury or death is horrendous. Cyclists are at least helping the environment. F**k off to all of this evil.
Stille20 5 years ago
Easy friend, no one is actually talking about hitting them, but where I live they insist on traveling with cars, but don't follow the same rules and then it is up to the drivers to avoid homicide.
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#15
Rob Williams 5 years ago
The flatbeds are like gold dust. I’ve restocked using trolling before now.
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Hello Dolly 5 years ago
Lmao we call trolleys carts here so it took my brain a few mins to correctly read this. At first I was picturing a 🚃 not a 🛒 so it was even funnier.
Up All Night 5 years ago
I hate it when they just assume something and attack people for nothing. How much a conflict-seeker you must be?
#16
Meyer Weinstock 5 years ago
Dinner's ready! We're having game fowl in orange sauce with wild rice...
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Dave Chapman 5 years ago
Pretty sure it's not a Duck looking at those prints, but hey...it's yer story!
#17
#18
Lucas 5 years ago (edited)
Is it though? Donating what you thought was someone else's money... if Karma was real that's the kind of thing that would be judged and found wanting.
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#19
Nothanks L. Walk 5 years ago
Ohgod the elevator skit flashbacks are KILLING me lol ALLAVAN! SCOOOOOTLAND! FREEEEEDOOOOOOM!!!
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Olivier Caissy 5 years ago
Depends on the microwave, on mine 5mins is lukewarm, yes it’s old.
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Dilly Millandry 5 years ago
The word they blurred was s****y - if you click the link ry_ndavies under the post it takes you to the original.
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Meyer Weinstock 5 years ago
Where is the image from? I don't recall Disney princesses hosting "The View"....
#21
Meyer Weinstock 5 years ago (edited)
We have something like that here, on The Fishing Channel or The Hunting Channel or The NASCAR Channel...
Analyn Lahr 5 years ago
Didn't they try something like that on Comedy Central or something once. I believe it was called "Straight Plan for the Gay Man". I think it was cancelled fairly quickly.
TheUntrustworhyEverythingBagal 5 years ago
I would think so, or hope at least...
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#22
Stille20 5 years ago
That being said, my boyfriend uses fruitier shampoo than I do... but he does smell terrific
Foxxy (The Original) 5 years ago
I would love it if my hubby smelt like a fruit shop. He smells more like a fishmongers instead lol.
Pirun Chitrudi amphai 5 years ago
After a bath, my daughter told my husband that he smell like nuts in an old shoe and I smell like a small white flower. I totally cracked up.
Katinka Min 5 years ago
One of my lovers kept apologizing for likeing heavy floral scents for his shower products. Sometimes, I just feel sad for men who feel so cut off from anything nice.
#23
Meyer Weinstock 5 years ago (edited)
Single dad of 2 daughters here, I asked an elder female family member and they told me.
Up All Night 5 years ago
I have heard of elder female family who was the only person with the girl when she started and she gave her socks. Nice, clean, white socks to use as pads. When the parents came back from abroad, they saw granny ironing tons of cotton socks and placing them in bags so the kid can go to school prepared.
Load More Replies... Katinka Min 5 years ago
The generation of the shaved genitals. Noone older than 30 would ever assume you'd stick that onto your bush.
#24
Becca Gizmo the Squirrel 5 years ago
Every time I go to run the dishwasher my husband insists on jumping in the shower and turns off the dishwasher. Then later I go to unload it and it isn't clean. Well it happens at least once a week anyway.
Elaine Mattingly 5 years ago
You could flush the commode.........................
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I love Hermione 5 years ago
It's like...your family member goes in. You: NO! I WAS RIGHT ABOUT TO GO IN! GET OUT! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
#25
Hunter Bradley 5 years ago
what about polis dugs seeing army dug do the salute them?
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Archie McHeid 5 years ago
another one for a dose ay shrooms and a bit ay dog psychology methinks
#26
Munhu Afro 5 years ago
It's been reported the dog was then heard saying afterwards that he didn't know women were more fun than the bitches in his life.
David Martin 5 years ago
Judging by the size of that tail between his legs, I can see how he snagged those four women
Courtney LeDroit 5 years ago
Is it just me or does the chick second from the left look possessed?
Becca Gizmo the Squirrel 5 years ago
What are those bubble gum pink drinks? I would call them bubble gum rum.
#27
Claire Ellingford 5 years ago
Can't stop laughing ....!! Wish you Scots would visit Australia more; I'd pay good money to see some of you in a comedy show! That put a big smile on my face to start the day thanks!
Donna Leske 5 years ago
Australians are pretty freakin' funny too. In fact they don't need an act or a script, I just make up excuses to talk to one just to listen to them reply. When I run short on conversation I get more honest and say "just tell me anything, just talk." Funny, I haven't been slapped yet.
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Dilly Millandry 5 years ago
Front garden that everyone sees - back garden might be a horror!!
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Nothanks L. Walk 5 years ago
Part of me is worried this is a metaphor involving a straightening iron.
#29
Elaine Mattingly 5 years ago
Then I'd get tickled all through the day every time I think about it.
Elaine Mattingly 5 years ago
THANK YOU A HUNDRED TIMES. You're the man! I would be laughing so hard I would get tears in my eyes.
Bender Bending Rodríguez 5 years ago
I am assuming that means head in the Scottish accent.
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Emperor Kitten 5 years ago
It prob doesn't stay closed. What would it latch to?
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Bindi Adams 5 years ago
After more than a month off crook, getting a bellyache laughing...cheers!
#31
ChickyChicky 5 years ago
Or "How are you all doing tonight?" One day, everyone should say "fine."
#33
#34
La Petite Morte 5 years ago
Try getting your cable and internet set up when you've moved into a cottage in a cemetary. On Halloween. After the 4th call I told them to look for the very angry blue-haired chick on crutches on the corner. Ordering take-out was usually fun, as well.
Archie McHeid 5 years ago
hahaaaaa ah kin jist imagine them answering the phone at the shop, "aye right mate, away in the corner and fling shite at yersel"
#35
Munhu Afro 5 years ago
Ma..... ARGE. Marge Simpson. Mom? Goodness you nearly gave me a heart attack mom.
Nothanks L. Walk 5 years ago
Pleeeeeeease tell me your husband is called Malcolm?! WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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#36
Foxxy (The Original) 5 years ago
Umm you kinda did. The war is “supposedly” about peoples freedoms and as annoying tiktok is, it is a persons freedom to choose to do it.
Katinka Min 5 years ago
No, you won 'the war' (alone, of course) to keep bragging about it for the next 200 years. Cue: *Continental Europe does eyeroll*
#37
#38
Jeny Kennedy 5 years ago
They just published a "rewrite" of Matilda by Roald Dahl called Matilda In Scots. The entire thing is like this. And amazing.
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#39
Lucas 5 years ago
Many people used to sign for things with a big X - you can sign how you like. As long as you recognise it - should it be necessary.
bored human 5 years ago
I think there was a post on boredpanda a while ago about how some guy had made his signature three smiling cats.
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Alex Bailey 5 years ago
Do you mean what? Scots for s*****g, w***y, k**b, d**k...
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#44
Xandra 5 years ago
My mom used the poop emoji thinking it was a "chocolate cake". And put the salivating one next to it...
Lynda Momalo 5 years ago
Although I consider myself fairly tech savvy, now that I'm a grandmother, I absolutely refuse to use emojis because I don't want to accidentally use something that has a completely different meaning, the way eggplants and peaches do. No one wants to think of their grandmother that way!
#47
Carrie de Luka 5 years ago
I always find it interesting that facts have a shelf life - something like (from memory so stats may be woefully inaccurate) 50% of what you think are facts now will no longer be facts in 10 years time or something. We learn stuff.
Load More Replies... #48
Lucas 5 years ago
Common problem. Not helped by them doing it wrong on the telly all the time. Watch House. He uses the wrong hand practically all the time (I think one episode it's pointed out by a physio...).
#49
#50
Dilly Millandry 5 years ago
Uh? The man already is mental. Effing horror show.
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#52
SeamusRGN 5 years ago
cos sean is an irish name and is spelled séan the accent on the e makes it fada(or long)
Lucas 5 years ago
Not heard it pronounced Shon either! Though you should have heard my father in law referring to Sean Bean as Seen Bean. 🙄
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#54
Kate Yeti 5 years ago
I feel ya there, sis!! Luckily, I found a man that swaggered out of my kitchen in a full pirate costume, grabbed me by the waist, dipped me down and said in his best pirate voice, "Arrr, I'm ready to give up the sea, me love! Will ya marry me?" Find you one of those!! 🥰
Jayne Kyra 5 years ago
That is one of the most romantic things I have ever read.
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Munhu Afro 5 years ago
If he loves you he'll take you and your double chins love. There's no turning it off once the love switch is on..
Nothanks L. Walk 5 years ago
Just looked her up, and that's total nonsense. She's orange as trump, but about as curvy as a vacuumpacked stack of coathangers.
#55
#56
Chris Jones 5 years ago
When you can accelerate and brake at the same time it's probably not going to go well...
Monika Soffronow 5 years ago (edited)
I once upon a time had an old car that had a wee little problem, the engine would die when I made a turn to the left at low speed. No mechanic could find what caused this and there was a very simple remedy for it: to accelerate and brake at the same time! While turning. There were several times when some friend wanted to borrow my car that I said "Yes, but on one condition. Take it around the block first." Four left turns later and they no longer wanted it!
Load More Replies... Munhu Afro 5 years ago
Did the same exact thing. Was trying to learn how to skid into a curve and almost chipped a tooth or two. Very strange how heavy the left foot on the brake is. I guess it is because of all the clutching
Roslyn Madrid 5 years ago
When I was learning to drive, using 'standard' transmission, they said I should use my right foot only to accelerate. My left should manage both the clutch and the brake.
Dilly Millandry 5 years ago (edited)
Sorry, but whoever was teaching you that??? It is always the right foot for braking for good reason. Emergency stops require the left foot to press the clutch as you brake for just one example.
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Lucas 5 years ago
Friend is a rally driver - he said that the only benefit to left foot braking is so that you don’t have to stop accelerating to brake at the same time. A particular technique. You don’t want to be doing that on a normal road. If you think you are saving time by using the left foot you must be riding the brake - a bad habit for fuel economy and also for the poor road users behind you who will often see your brake lights flashing. Your foot should not be on or over the pedal but in a resting position. So if you use your right foot to move to the brake or your left foot to move to the brake - there is little to no real time saved.
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#58
Chris Jones 5 years ago
"They think 2 of the daughters are actually me with and without make up" - that doesn't mean what you think it does.
La Petite Morte 5 years ago
I've actually had this happen. Neighbors of mine thought I was 3 sisters because they'd seen me dressed up in office gear to go to work, dressed in mangy shorts and a tank top to do house cleaning and gardening, and dressed up in full clubGoth gear to go out dancing on weekends. It was hilarious when they finally realized it was all just me.
Harley Hans Hoglin 5 years ago
Without she looks about as young as her daughter. So she likes that they think she looks like a teenager without, but sad that she has to have it to look like an adult.
Munhu Afro 5 years ago
Means she looks beautiful with, and beautiful without, just differently.
#59
M O'Connell 5 years ago
Is that a lunch hamster, or a dinner hamster? Does it come with a beverage?
#60
Nothanks L. Walk 5 years ago
You really should bring that chinese family back their baby, you can't just take it with you after it fixes your iphone.
#63
#65
Stille20 5 years ago
LOL! I have to read these slowly to totally get them, but that one was worth it. Like a Scottish flavored dad joke
Mme de Poppadom 5 years ago
Exactly: if you do an accent in your head and get the right intonation, youse can ken ae.
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#68
I'm A Lazy Panda 5 years ago
...or they were on a plane when this registered.
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#69
Ceredwyn Ealanta 5 years ago
Would you like a $700 silver flute and a pair of decorative chickens?
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#72
Lucas 5 years ago
Chippies were banned at an office I worked in... think it was because they just smelled too good.
Loki’s Lil Butter Knife 5 years ago
That's a true travesty. Personally, I think that the scent of chips smothered in curry sauce would help boost office moral.
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Maiun 5 years ago
Had someone at work that used to heat up some weird sardines and pasta concoction for lunch, oh my god did it stink!
Nothanks L. Walk 5 years ago
Ohhhh I used to love those. It's an italian delicacy. Putting that in a microwave is on par with putting your poodle in there to dry its fur, but fresh it is absolutely to DIEEEE for
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Jeremy James 5 years ago
That may be owing to the fact that dogs and seals are close relatives.
Nothanks L. Walk 5 years ago
I remember learning about that and having a BSOD in my head over the word Sealion.
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#75
PotatoNinja5000 5 years ago
I'm a bit worried. The Harry Potter fandom hasn't found this entry yet. Hope they're okay.
Chris Jones 5 years ago
Here's hoping they're all nice and safe at Wizarding World. Though did I hear that we're all supposed to be angry with JK Rowling now? I've been poorly so missed or maybe hallucinated the news!
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#78
Astrid Nineor 5 years ago (edited)
Would that even work? (Be accepted) ? Seems unlikely nowdays
#79
SomeNorthernLass 5 years ago
Ever get really angry or cheeky because you're starving but you don't realise until after you've ate. Like sorry, your mum isn't fat.
Load More Replies... #80
Nicky OldfieldDesciple 5 years ago
At least he bought her a card. I had to remind my dad when it was my mother's birthday and buy her card and present for him with the €20 he gave me for them EVERY YEAR. If it went over the €20 had to pay the balance despite him having a well aid job and I was on the dole.
#82
#83
Lucas 5 years ago
It's from wean which comes from weaning as you would a baby.
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#85
#86
Jess-a-men 5 years ago
What's that thing she's holding? It looks like she's breastfeeding a hedgehog!
Loki’s Lil Butter Knife 5 years ago
Your comment made me laugh harder than the meme.
Load More Replies... Nothanks L. Walk 5 years ago
Omg he's yellin in her ear so loud her HEAD is coming apart down the middle
#90
Lucas 5 years ago
Hah - Bored Panda you missed one. Though trying to hide all the bad language in a Scottish based post is quite a task. I hadn't realised that it was entirely my Scottish side that was responsible for all my swearing!
Nothanks L. Walk 5 years ago
I have to ask, even though you've indicated it's naughty... what does "jrkfkxknkrndbhxuxhdbf" actually mean?
Load More Replies... #91
Harley Hans Hoglin 5 years ago
That's something like better than $200,000 American most days. Most need artificial feet if you need that much to get back on them.
#92
Chris Jones 5 years ago
Nah-ah - not fair. Watched and learned from all the footballers diving and rolling around in 'agony'.
Nothanks L. Walk 5 years ago
To market to market with my brother Jim. Somebody threw a tomato at him. Tomatoes are soft and they don't hurt the skin... But this one did : it was still in the tin!
#93
Astrid Nineor 5 years ago
Warning folks, paracetamol. IS dangeroous. Seriously, you can OD on it (probably not from, say, three, but it does cause damage with prolonged use.
Nothanks L. Walk 5 years ago
in dosages heavy enough to put you on a no-fly list, that is.
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#94
Chris Jones 5 years ago
🎶 That'll be the lack of crashes which are caused by car eyelashes!! 🎶
#99
#100
Add New Image
What do you think ?
Geth 5 years ago
This is the first time I'm learning that unlike every other English speaker on Earth, Scottish people people write IN THEIR ACCENT. Like "wanty" instead of "want to" and "yersel" instead of "yourself." It's very strange. I'm now imagining if other people with regional accents wrote English to convey their spoken accents, like if working class Bostonians wrote "ay, whair'd ya pahk the cah?" And Queen Elizabeth wrote like, "Eim spaking to yehoh et what eh knaoh . . ."
Loki’s Lil Butter Knife 5 years ago
Geth, many of these tweets, posts, and instant messages contain slang words, phrases, and terminology from "Scots" (not to be confused with Scots Gaelic). There is a huge debate within the linguistic community where Scots is a dialect or a language- I will not get into that here since I could probably right an entire dissertation on that. If you want to learn more about Scots, I would recommend checking out this website: https://www.scotslanguage.com/What_is_Scots%253F_uid2/What_is_Scots_%253F
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Harley Hans Hoglin 5 years ago
Read a sci-fi story, the main character is the captain of a ship, in something similar to Star Trek's Federation. They passed a law that said you can speak in your native tongue, and no one can make you speak standard. The ship's engineer is Scottish, and the captain never knows what he is saying.
Kenny Kulbiski 5 years ago
Always wanted to go to Scotland but I'll probably never be able to. I guess it's a good thing because I'm to damn old to learn a foreign language.
Dilly Millandry 5 years ago
Not all Scottish accents are the same - some parts have softer accents that are much easier to understand for the non-Scottish ear.
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Lauren Elise 5 years ago
I didn't understand half of these...but I read it in a Scottish accent so I crapped myself laughing anyway
Tiny Dynamine 5 years ago
It's funny imagining no-native English speakers trying tae read these and finding it hard. I like reading them in a Scottish accent.
Arthur White 5 years ago
Grew up in South West Scotland, Ayr. Accents can change dramatically within 10 miles. Wonderful.
5 years ago
English is my second language and I don't have an accent. But while I'm reading these posts, I feel like I am reading it with an accent and I loved it!!!
Geth 5 years ago
This is the first time I'm learning that unlike every other English speaker on Earth, Scottish people people write IN THEIR ACCENT. Like "wanty" instead of "want to" and "yersel" instead of "yourself." It's very strange. I'm now imagining if other people with regional accents wrote English to convey their spoken accents, like if working class Bostonians wrote "ay, whair'd ya pahk the cah?" And Queen Elizabeth wrote like, "Eim spaking to yehoh et what eh knaoh . . ."
Loki’s Lil Butter Knife 5 years ago
Geth, many of these tweets, posts, and instant messages contain slang words, phrases, and terminology from "Scots" (not to be confused with Scots Gaelic). There is a huge debate within the linguistic community where Scots is a dialect or a language- I will not get into that here since I could probably right an entire dissertation on that. If you want to learn more about Scots, I would recommend checking out this website: https://www.scotslanguage.com/What_is_Scots%253F_uid2/What_is_Scots_%253F
Load More Replies... Harley Hans Hoglin 5 years ago
Read a sci-fi story, the main character is the captain of a ship, in something similar to Star Trek's Federation. They passed a law that said you can speak in your native tongue, and no one can make you speak standard. The ship's engineer is Scottish, and the captain never knows what he is saying.
Kenny Kulbiski 5 years ago
Always wanted to go to Scotland but I'll probably never be able to. I guess it's a good thing because I'm to damn old to learn a foreign language.
Dilly Millandry 5 years ago
Not all Scottish accents are the same - some parts have softer accents that are much easier to understand for the non-Scottish ear.
Load More Replies... Lauren Elise 5 years ago
I didn't understand half of these...but I read it in a Scottish accent so I crapped myself laughing anyway
Tiny Dynamine 5 years ago
It's funny imagining no-native English speakers trying tae read these and finding it hard. I like reading them in a Scottish accent.
Arthur White 5 years ago
Grew up in South West Scotland, Ayr. Accents can change dramatically within 10 miles. Wonderful.
5 years ago
English is my second language and I don't have an accent. But while I'm reading these posts, I feel like I am reading it with an accent and I loved it!!!
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