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“Your Head Is Really Just A Place To Store Your Teeth”: 46 Insults That Are Pure Poetry
A good insult can hurt more than a punch to your nose or your stomach. Physical pain fades, but you never forget a verbal hit — words can stay with you even on your deathbed. Some people have such a way with words that it might be surprising they haven’t won a Pulitzer Prize for Poetry yet, but we’re here to make that right.
Bored Panda found some posts with the most creative, brutal, and chaotic insults that one can conceive of. They come to you from one chain on Threads and another post from r/AskReddit, where both posters asked fellow netizens to share the best insults they’ve ever heard.
Scroll down and enjoy the magnificent poetry of meanness, where people are likened to brain-eating amoebae, accused of being crayon-eaters, and called plain dumb in the most picture-esque and eloquent ways imaginable.
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#1
I got called into a meeting with HR today cause apparently telling my coworker that I knew he was a C-section baby by the way he avoids labour is not acceptable in the workplace.
RELATED:
#2
Couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.
#3
We've got a guy at work we call "Dory", because we have to retrain him after every break.
When he tries to remember something, we tell him to "just keep swimming"
StrangeOne 6 hours ago
Sounds like a learning or intellectual disability. If that's the case, he should have accommodations. Sorry, I have personal experience with people in my life with these difficulties. It pains me to think of how they would be treated if they were working. They feel embarrassed enough.
#4
I was a cashier at a grocery store and the cashier next to me chatted with the baggers non-stop and would hold up her line all damn day cuz she wasn't paying them attention. One customer blurted out in frustration, "MY GOD, DO YOU GET PAID BY THE WORD OR THE HOUR?"
#5
I did buy an unpleasant coworker 2 pairs of sunglasses for a secret Santa, once, with a card that said "one pair for each face".
#7
I heard someone say "she would make a train take a dirt road" I couldn't stop laughing
#8
David Letterman interviewing Tina Fey: after some blah blah conversation DL "hey I'm not as dumb as I look". TF "How could you be?".
ChipsAndDip 10 hours ago
isnt that rizz... or am i reading it wrong? (i think im reading it wrong)
#9
I told a friend I was prom king in conversation and his response was " Oh thats right you were home schooled." So good I had to hug him.
#12
In 2017 I was drunk and trying to send a picture of the ol’ family jewels and rod to a lady (at her request, I’m too lazy when drunk to deal with a zipper without prompting). I posted it to Facebook.
Not even 20 minutes later, I’m sitting on the couch getting supremely irritated at her lack of appreciation of my equipment (perceived, as she had not responded. Probably because I never sent it to her) that had gone to sleep in the meantime. The notification was a Facebook comment from my mother that read: “It wasn’t impressive when you were a baby, it’s not impressive now. You should take this down before you embarrass yourself.”
She told that story at my 35th birthday last year.
#13
I heard one ages ago that went- "I thought you'd at least be nice since you're not so pretty"
Nota Robot 9 hours ago
You missed one, Augustus. Do engage us further with your clever banter, which surely must be the product of a great mind.
#14
Your head really is just a place to store your teeth, huh
Farah (she/her) 10 hours ago
Oh, look, Nate! You've got a new admirer! How does it feel, being the most loved person on the platform?
#15
“The acoustics in your head must be amazing”
#16
One of my favourites: you seem like the person that can tell how different colour crayons taste
Kristiina Männiste 8 hours ago
I actually can. And my mother can too. She because of synesthesia and me because Im curious and have poor impulse control.
#17
my go to recently has been “Your teachers usually sighed when you raised your hand in class, didn’t they?”
#20
As an outsider, what are your views on intelligence?
#21
“I see you got placed in the Witless protection program”
#22
I put up a sign because one person wouldn't do his own dishes "clean up after yourself, your mother doesn't work here" I was told to take it down. I argued that I didn't specifically signal anyone in particular, but everyone knew who I was talking about.
Karl der Große 11 hours ago
Everybody else had a mother who DID work at the place. This is actually a lateral-thinking puzzle.
#23
Life is full of disappointments, just ask your parents.
Context: I had replied with the above to a man I had declined to go out with, after he’d reacted by saying “You are a disappointment.” Based on his threats of severe bodily harm, I’d guess it was one of my better insults.
#24
"If you were a spice, you'd be flour."
#25
When I was a student psychiatric nurse, a patient yelled at me ...
"You dastardly dodo's dung heap!"
Definitely the best insult I've ever had.
#26
I like " she's like a monet, beautiful from a distance but up close she's just a big old mess".
Daniel Atkins 9 hours ago (edited)
I told her she had a mind like a steel trap. She took it as a compliment but what I really meant was that there were probably small animals trapped in there desperately trying to naw off a leg trying desperately to escape. Comedian Mike Williams
#27
“In a zombie apocalypse, you’re the only safe one.”
#28
"I see your brain-eating amoebae used up their last supplies."
#29
'Sensor Light' - only works when someone else is around ...
This is one of a whole bunch of classic Aussie workplace insults
#30
Stop acting like your shoe size is your IQ
#31
You’re like the end piece of bread, everyone touches you but no one wants you.
Roman Arendt 7 hours ago
I really like the end pieces of bread (the "Knust", as we say around here).
#32
This is kind of specific, but, my ex wife wanted to get in an argument about something and I told her to call my wife about it (she’s a 6th grade teacher). When my ex asked why, I said because my wife is better at dealing with children.
#33
It seems that your life is less about goal achievement and more about regret management.
#35
"Go home, your village is missing its idiot."
#36
i like to describe people as “god’s first draft of x”, or just call them by an article of clothing they’re wearing. “okay turtleneck” “okay khakis”
#38
You have delusions of adequacy.
#39
I applaud your confidence in the absence of knowledge or expertise.
#40
I don’t have the crayons or time to explain this to you.
#42
“There’s not enough brain cells between the lot of them to have a seizure.”.
#43
In a serious, slightly concerned tone: "You struggle with things that come easily to others, don't you?".
#45
You’re wasting oxygen that’s needed by single cell organisms
#46
"If brains were dynomite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.
What do you think ?
Nathaniel 8 hours ago (edited)
Augustus is the self proclaimed man ( "he" is barely hominid) Captain Wafflestomper. As you can see "he" is obsessed with me. Been creating new accounts constantly. All because "he" cannot stand to have "his" bigotry pointed out to "him". Just one of the many trolls that want to ruin BP for the rest of us.
Nathaniel 8 hours ago
Along with the trolls that will automatically down vote EVERY comment I make regardless of content. What is it like having me live in your heads rent free?
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Lukas (fuck/transphobes) 10 hours ago
Because he gets bored in his mommy's basement
Load More Replies... Nathaniel 8 hours ago (edited)
Augustus is the self proclaimed man ( "he" is barely hominid) Captain Wafflestomper. As you can see "he" is obsessed with me. Been creating new accounts constantly. All because "he" cannot stand to have "his" bigotry pointed out to "him". Just one of the many trolls that want to ruin BP for the rest of us.
Nathaniel 8 hours ago
Along with the trolls that will automatically down vote EVERY comment I make regardless of content. What is it like having me live in your heads rent free?
Load More Replies... Lukas (fuck/transphobes) 10 hours ago
Because he gets bored in his mommy's basement
Load More Replies...
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