Parents Livid After Dinner Guest Doesn’t Participate In Their Son’s Autistic Ritual, Causing Chaos And Broken Plates
Let’s face it – sometimes kids can be strange. We can all probably agree that sometimes they have odd (but cute!) quirks, and at other times they say the darnedest things. And you can’t always know how to react to them besides shrugging and going with it.
But what if you just can’t agree with something a child needs, especially if they want you to do something? Reddit user u/Happy-Bet-610 tells their story of being stuck in a situation where a friend’s son who has autism wanted them to do something they just couldn’t.
More info: Reddit
Putting up with kids’ quirks maybe annoying, tiring or plain weird at some times, especially if you’re a guest
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual image)
The poster went to a nice dinner at a friend’s home, until they were faced with a strange ritual of the friend’s son swapping forks with everyone else after each bite
Image source: u/Happy-Bet-610
After they refused to participate in the ritual, the 6 Y.O. son caused a huge tantrum, scattering and breaking plates and utensils alike
The Original Poster’s (OP) story is a short but eventful one. They begin by saying that their friend has an son with autism whom they’ve actually met before. The boy is six years old, and OP describes him as a “lovely lad.” The poster also says that they haven’t spent too much time around him, only short visits to their home or the park.
They were invited to come to dinner, and OP agreed. When they arrived, they found out that the son must perform a routine where he takes a bite of his food, then exchanges his fork with someone else. Their entire family participates in this ritual. The son takes a bite, swaps forks with a family member, takes a bite, swaps again, and so on all around the table.
According to the parents, it’s the only way that he’ll eat his food. The conflict of the story began when OP attracted the ire of the parents by refusing to participate. They mention that this sparked a huge tantrum by the son. Not many details are provided, but apparently this resulted in plates and other utensils being thrown around the room. The poster was blamed for the son’s behavior and for the plates, some of which had broken.
OP considers the ritual disgusting and says that they should have been warned about this behavior beforehand, as they would have simply declined.
Image credits: CHUTTERSNAP (not the actual image)
You’ve probably encountered children or people with particular quirks. They must have their stuff arranged in one particular way, or else it bugs them. They may do something seemingly random that makes them less anxious and more comfortable.
In children with autism, these highly specific actions are called rituals, routines, or obsessions, although obsessions also involve other things.
Some examples of these rituals may be an excessive need for cleanliness, repeating specific actions over and over again, and an unreasonable demand for others to submit to a certain way of doing things, among others.
Parents should learn to choose their battles, as when they have kids with autism, they must perform these rituals. For example, if a child needs to repeat some action many times before they are comfortable, it may make things difficult if the family is in a rush. If you determine that the child’s behavior is interfering with social relationships, school work, or health, it may be a good cause to visit a therapist, especially one specializing in consulting people with autism.
For parents with children with autism who would like to change or influence their ritualistic behavior, there are several things to think about, as per FamiliesForLife.
You should ensure that your child has the necessary communication skills to understand that you want them to change their behavior and why. The next step would be to figure out what causes the behavior. If it is something that causes anxiety for the child, perhaps it could be mitigated so that the routine will no longer be necessary.
It may also be useful to find a positive outlet for your child, depending on the obsession with a particular ritual. For example, journaling or scrapbooking could help children who are interested in researching and collecting information on a particular topic.
With this in mind, OP should have never been involved in the child’s ritual because it could potentially be harmful to others if one of the parents or guests has a transmittable disease or a similar condition, besides being unsanitary and unpleasant.
The original post received nearly 8 thousand upvotes and 800 comments. Commenters agreed with OP that the ritual was strange at best and that the poster should have been warned of this long before. People also emphasized that the parents need to find a new solution for the ritual because the child will have to eat in public or at school in the future, and his behavior may cause a whole host of issues.
The comments agreed that the guest was not at fault for the son’s tantrum and said that he needs to finds a way to go without this routine
Image credits: Meruyert Gonullu (not the actual image)
They should have warned the guest and given him 2 forks so he used the one and swapped with the other. If the kid is busy eating it would not require much sleight of hand. Also, this is learned behaviour and can be changed, obviously they enticed him to eat when very young this way. Parents fault for not evolving the learning into something more hygienic and socially workable over time, they got lazy when they hit something that worked not caring or thinking of long term consequences as he grew older.
I wonder how they want to handle his habits when he starts to go to a school. He can't expect everyone at the cafeteria of a special needs school (for example) to switch forks with him.
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Lip herpes LOVES this post. The dude should have definitely been warned about this beforehand, and the child, autistic or not, is kind of a brat if it destroys stuff if it doesn't get what it wants.
Yeah, that's not something you should be expected to take part in. They should have told you before hand or try to explain to their son that only family does the ritual. My son is autistic and the most people have had to do is help him re-enact scenes from Sonic The Hedgehog or listen to him talk about trains......constantly.
Autism or not, a line has to be drawn when it comes to those not related to the subject. I don't blame the kid but the parents are POS for not giving OP a heads-up. Even I wouldn't hesitate to tell the parents No Way Jose am I gonna share my fork. These days, diseases lurk here, there and everywhere and this ritual is just gonna end up with OP catching some bodily fluid transmitted disease or something similar of the lot. Smh...
100% the parent's fault. Not only for not warning this person about this frankly disgusting and unhygenic 'ritual', for allowing such a 'ritual' to develop in the first place, but also letting their kid throw dangerous tantrums where they destroy things. The parents seem pretty entitled to expect anyone to conform to this, just because their kid is autistic.
Im not autistic (never been diagnosed and I don't think I exhibit "symptoms" for lack of a better word), but I am very logical and I feel like I'm educated in basic manners. Who expects their friend to eat using a used utensil? I don't care if that's the only way the kid eats, it's gross and unhygienic. It's also plain rude to not discuss this beforehand.
I have a special needs brother and I don't even share with him so no way in hell would I ever share with a non family member. Disregarding hygiene and illness, i dont want to consume someone elses spit or food particles. That definitely should have been something op was told before even coming over so they're definitely NTA. I usually do everything I can to accommodate my brother or anyone i come across with special needs but I draw my lines clearly that I don't cross them. I hate when people try to force others do things just because of accommodating someone else without even warning or considering others sometimes; not everyone is comfortable with everything even if it's for the sake of others.
NTA. I love my autistic 6yo nephew, but I don't want to eat from his fork.
My kids had significant mental health issues (genetic, like this one) and as a result, we didn’t have guests for dinner during their adolescence. It would have been deeply unpleasant for friends. It’s not only responsible parenting, but responsible friending, to not let a scene like this happen. It sucked, as parents, but it was necessary.
Yeeeeah, I'd like a slight heads up if I'm gonna indirectly be making out with everyone at the table, six year old included.
.....f**k the internet for so many sentences it's made me say that I just know I'd never have naturally put those words in that order outside of having a stroke.
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We learned in kindergarten not to share utensils with other people. That reminder is for the parents, not necessarily for the autistic child. Maybe there should have been warning. Maybe the kid should have eaten early. But, especially after covid, I'm not sharing forks with anybody. No way. No how.
Herpes, Covid, common cold, flu, HPV, thrush, hand foot & mouth, hepatitis, Epstein-Barr, mono, and so, so many more. So many illnesses can be spread by saliva. This is not an ASD quirk, this is foul and not remotely sanitary, or even remotely ok to expect of a guest.
I have a brother who's non-verbal low functioning autistic. He's grabbed random people's food and drinks unexpectedly. There's no changing it and we've tried for years. You just have to watch it. We always apologized for it. But definitely rude not to inform your guests of what he does. That shouldn't have been something you take part in.
NTA, should have been warned. What I don’t get is people talking as if Autism is a result of lazy parenting, and worse referring to an autistic child as “it” . Jesus fH Christ, you can sympathise with the OP, and empathise with the family at the same time, it is allowed🤷♂️…
We call the child an it because the gender is unknown, not because we want to degrade if. Also, that the child has autism isn't the parents fault, but that it developed into such an aggressive form is definitely their fault.
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Parents should have told you beforehand about this ritual. And if this isn't gotten rid of, they could do this for the rest of their lives.
I also have autism and it is always difficult for me when guests come to our home. With me, all things must always be arranged in the same way and no one is allowed to move them. So when I know that visitors are coming, I have to put everything away beforehand. That sometimes takes hours. Afterwards, I put everything back exactly the way it was. In the meantime, I've also gotten into the habit of not being at home when my parents have visitors so that I don't have to constantly watch things being moved around.
I am all for being kind, patient, and understanding. However, this is a behavior that needs to be stopped and not indulged. It is not a healthy practice to have people share cutlery, Also, it is not op's fault that the child was allowed access to breakable things and allowed to break them.
This whole ritual is odd and should have been stopped before it really got started. I understand that some autistic children have their rituals and routines, but this one is something that can't be allowed to continue. The world is still going that a global pandemic and it is just not feasible for people to be switching forks after every bite. The parents should have said something to the OP so they could have politely declined. The fact that they are so upset with OP shows their entitlement on this issue. They need to figure out a new dinnertime ritual so their will eat and there will be no more tantrums. The throwing dishes and having this big of a tantrum should not have happened. If the parents had a different plan in place, the boy would be able to respond to this change in routine in a better way.
I guess you mean AITA, that stands for "Am I the A$$HOLE?"
Load More Replies... That's absolutely disgusting and needs to be dealt with. Kid cannot go through life expecting this. It's time to find an alternative. Maybe a cup of forks next to kid and he takes one bite with each fork. That's bad enough but at least it isn't spreading kid germs to everyone else.
I'm seriously wondering why each person doesn't just have an extra fork to swap the kid, as they continue to eat with the other one
Okay I have a severly autistic cousin and he does something similar with water. He drinks about half from his glass and then I give him mine and he drinks the other half from that, in an alternating pattern. I have a drink he has a drink and so on. Or someone else will give him their glass and perform this ritual with him. I'm okay with this, he's my family. But my family would never expect a guest to give him their glass. This is quite unreasonable. They should have given them two forks, or at least warned them before coming.
NTA at all. Just because they indulge him doesn't mean you have to. Should have told you in advance instead of blindsiding you.
NTA, and I have new info to share with my therapist. This fork thing is kinda familiar.
What if you don't eat or drink after anyone else! For health and hygienic reasons! They want you to break your healthy routine and habits to appease their child. Mental issues aside this is not a healthy habit to get into! So why would they just expect you to jump on the weirdo swap forks train just because they allow their kid to? Something is not right with these people! And this kid playing musical forks is just too damn weird! It's not your fault the kid had a bootard meltdown because the parents didn't warn you about his weirdness! NTA in this case. The parents need counseling!
It's as unhygienic as swaping the underwear you're wearing with that of another guest or all using the same piece of toilet paper. NTA. The parents are wrong for allowing such a gross ritual to go on.
Disgusting!!! They are NOT preparing him for the real world! No one is going to do that for the rest of his life! Ugh!!!
It's from my understanding that if the behavior doesn't really affect anyone but the person doing it (self soothing, stimming, etc.) then the behavior really doesn't warrant a change, HOWEVER, if it's completely invasive on others (and this COMPLETELY IS) then therapy is needed to help the child adjust. This is not a behavior that can occur and shouldn't occur; it's unhygienic even if the parents are cool with it. I don't even want to share a fork with my husband!
I had to take a double take when I saw the title it had autistic ritual and I thought it was the other way around (i.e their autistic child’s ritual) nope it says autistic ritual
Why do people feel the need to share everything that happens in their life? And why do I read it?
ETA…The parents were AH for not warning you. And you for not just sucking it up because they are your friends and this is probably just one tiny aspect of how difficult their lives are to navigate, so its actually not about you. And, yes, its a disgusting ritual to get into, but its just a used fork. You could very non-chalantly excuse yourself afterwards and sneak it to the kitchen or bathroom for a quick wash and come back with no one the wiser. And then also make a mental note never to accept a dinner invite from these friends again.
There shouldn't be any way around this needed. The child needs to unlearn this behaviour quickly, because there is absolutely no way school will tolerate this.
Load More Replies...
They should have warned the guest and given him 2 forks so he used the one and swapped with the other. If the kid is busy eating it would not require much sleight of hand. Also, this is learned behaviour and can be changed, obviously they enticed him to eat when very young this way. Parents fault for not evolving the learning into something more hygienic and socially workable over time, they got lazy when they hit something that worked not caring or thinking of long term consequences as he grew older.
I wonder how they want to handle his habits when he starts to go to a school. He can't expect everyone at the cafeteria of a special needs school (for example) to switch forks with him.
Load More Replies... Lip herpes LOVES this post. The dude should have definitely been warned about this beforehand, and the child, autistic or not, is kind of a brat if it destroys stuff if it doesn't get what it wants.
Yeah, that's not something you should be expected to take part in. They should have told you before hand or try to explain to their son that only family does the ritual. My son is autistic and the most people have had to do is help him re-enact scenes from Sonic The Hedgehog or listen to him talk about trains......constantly.
Autism or not, a line has to be drawn when it comes to those not related to the subject. I don't blame the kid but the parents are POS for not giving OP a heads-up. Even I wouldn't hesitate to tell the parents No Way Jose am I gonna share my fork. These days, diseases lurk here, there and everywhere and this ritual is just gonna end up with OP catching some bodily fluid transmitted disease or something similar of the lot. Smh...
100% the parent's fault. Not only for not warning this person about this frankly disgusting and unhygenic 'ritual', for allowing such a 'ritual' to develop in the first place, but also letting their kid throw dangerous tantrums where they destroy things. The parents seem pretty entitled to expect anyone to conform to this, just because their kid is autistic.
Im not autistic (never been diagnosed and I don't think I exhibit "symptoms" for lack of a better word), but I am very logical and I feel like I'm educated in basic manners. Who expects their friend to eat using a used utensil? I don't care if that's the only way the kid eats, it's gross and unhygienic. It's also plain rude to not discuss this beforehand.
I have a special needs brother and I don't even share with him so no way in hell would I ever share with a non family member. Disregarding hygiene and illness, i dont want to consume someone elses spit or food particles. That definitely should have been something op was told before even coming over so they're definitely NTA. I usually do everything I can to accommodate my brother or anyone i come across with special needs but I draw my lines clearly that I don't cross them. I hate when people try to force others do things just because of accommodating someone else without even warning or considering others sometimes; not everyone is comfortable with everything even if it's for the sake of others.
NTA. I love my autistic 6yo nephew, but I don't want to eat from his fork.
My kids had significant mental health issues (genetic, like this one) and as a result, we didn’t have guests for dinner during their adolescence. It would have been deeply unpleasant for friends. It’s not only responsible parenting, but responsible friending, to not let a scene like this happen. It sucked, as parents, but it was necessary.
Yeeeeah, I'd like a slight heads up if I'm gonna indirectly be making out with everyone at the table, six year old included.
.....f**k the internet for so many sentences it's made me say that I just know I'd never have naturally put those words in that order outside of having a stroke.
Load More Replies... We learned in kindergarten not to share utensils with other people. That reminder is for the parents, not necessarily for the autistic child. Maybe there should have been warning. Maybe the kid should have eaten early. But, especially after covid, I'm not sharing forks with anybody. No way. No how.
Herpes, Covid, common cold, flu, HPV, thrush, hand foot & mouth, hepatitis, Epstein-Barr, mono, and so, so many more. So many illnesses can be spread by saliva. This is not an ASD quirk, this is foul and not remotely sanitary, or even remotely ok to expect of a guest.
I have a brother who's non-verbal low functioning autistic. He's grabbed random people's food and drinks unexpectedly. There's no changing it and we've tried for years. You just have to watch it. We always apologized for it. But definitely rude not to inform your guests of what he does. That shouldn't have been something you take part in.
NTA, should have been warned. What I don’t get is people talking as if Autism is a result of lazy parenting, and worse referring to an autistic child as “it” . Jesus fH Christ, you can sympathise with the OP, and empathise with the family at the same time, it is allowed🤷♂️…
We call the child an it because the gender is unknown, not because we want to degrade if. Also, that the child has autism isn't the parents fault, but that it developed into such an aggressive form is definitely their fault.
Load More Replies... Parents should have told you beforehand about this ritual. And if this isn't gotten rid of, they could do this for the rest of their lives.
I also have autism and it is always difficult for me when guests come to our home. With me, all things must always be arranged in the same way and no one is allowed to move them. So when I know that visitors are coming, I have to put everything away beforehand. That sometimes takes hours. Afterwards, I put everything back exactly the way it was. In the meantime, I've also gotten into the habit of not being at home when my parents have visitors so that I don't have to constantly watch things being moved around.
I am all for being kind, patient, and understanding. However, this is a behavior that needs to be stopped and not indulged. It is not a healthy practice to have people share cutlery, Also, it is not op's fault that the child was allowed access to breakable things and allowed to break them.
This whole ritual is odd and should have been stopped before it really got started. I understand that some autistic children have their rituals and routines, but this one is something that can't be allowed to continue. The world is still going that a global pandemic and it is just not feasible for people to be switching forks after every bite. The parents should have said something to the OP so they could have politely declined. The fact that they are so upset with OP shows their entitlement on this issue. They need to figure out a new dinnertime ritual so their will eat and there will be no more tantrums. The throwing dishes and having this big of a tantrum should not have happened. If the parents had a different plan in place, the boy would be able to respond to this change in routine in a better way.
I guess you mean AITA, that stands for "Am I the A$$HOLE?"
Load More Replies... That's absolutely disgusting and needs to be dealt with. Kid cannot go through life expecting this. It's time to find an alternative. Maybe a cup of forks next to kid and he takes one bite with each fork. That's bad enough but at least it isn't spreading kid germs to everyone else.
I'm seriously wondering why each person doesn't just have an extra fork to swap the kid, as they continue to eat with the other one
Okay I have a severly autistic cousin and he does something similar with water. He drinks about half from his glass and then I give him mine and he drinks the other half from that, in an alternating pattern. I have a drink he has a drink and so on. Or someone else will give him their glass and perform this ritual with him. I'm okay with this, he's my family. But my family would never expect a guest to give him their glass. This is quite unreasonable. They should have given them two forks, or at least warned them before coming.
NTA at all. Just because they indulge him doesn't mean you have to. Should have told you in advance instead of blindsiding you.
NTA, and I have new info to share with my therapist. This fork thing is kinda familiar.
What if you don't eat or drink after anyone else! For health and hygienic reasons! They want you to break your healthy routine and habits to appease their child. Mental issues aside this is not a healthy habit to get into! So why would they just expect you to jump on the weirdo swap forks train just because they allow their kid to? Something is not right with these people! And this kid playing musical forks is just too damn weird! It's not your fault the kid had a bootard meltdown because the parents didn't warn you about his weirdness! NTA in this case. The parents need counseling!
It's as unhygienic as swaping the underwear you're wearing with that of another guest or all using the same piece of toilet paper. NTA. The parents are wrong for allowing such a gross ritual to go on.
Disgusting!!! They are NOT preparing him for the real world! No one is going to do that for the rest of his life! Ugh!!!
It's from my understanding that if the behavior doesn't really affect anyone but the person doing it (self soothing, stimming, etc.) then the behavior really doesn't warrant a change, HOWEVER, if it's completely invasive on others (and this COMPLETELY IS) then therapy is needed to help the child adjust. This is not a behavior that can occur and shouldn't occur; it's unhygienic even if the parents are cool with it. I don't even want to share a fork with my husband!
I had to take a double take when I saw the title it had autistic ritual and I thought it was the other way around (i.e their autistic child’s ritual) nope it says autistic ritual
Why do people feel the need to share everything that happens in their life? And why do I read it?
ETA…The parents were AH for not warning you. And you for not just sucking it up because they are your friends and this is probably just one tiny aspect of how difficult their lives are to navigate, so its actually not about you. And, yes, its a disgusting ritual to get into, but its just a used fork. You could very non-chalantly excuse yourself afterwards and sneak it to the kitchen or bathroom for a quick wash and come back with no one the wiser. And then also make a mental note never to accept a dinner invite from these friends again.
There shouldn't be any way around this needed. The child needs to unlearn this behaviour quickly, because there is absolutely no way school will tolerate this.
Load More Replies...
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