“They Were Giving Me Huge Red Flags”: In-Laws Lock Their Son-In-Law In A Room With Them When He Doesn’t Reveal His Salary To Them
When you meet your soulmate, most often you not only create your own family, but become a part of an already existing one and accept a new person to the family you had before meeting them. Strangely, you can share so much with your significant other but be disliked by the new family.
Many disagreements happen between blood-related family members so they are inevitable in the new families as well, especially because everyone has a different way of communicating and are used to sharing different things with other family members.
A Reddit user got into such a disagreement with his fiancée’s family and is lost as to whether he was in the wrong as his fiancée didn’t support him, but he feels that he didn’t do anything wrong.
More info: Reddit
A man is asking if he was being a jerk when he didn’t reveal how much he earned to his in-laws and eventually called them gold diggers
Image credits: George Redgrave (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster (OP) is a 28-year-old Canadian man and he is engaged with a 26-year-old woman from Latin America. At the time of writing the post the OP was settling in his new job and his in-laws wanted to know more, so they invited him to their house alone.
The man went for a visit and when the FIL invited him to the guest room, he had a strange request. He asked the Redditor to leave his phone and keys at the dining table. The OP obeyed and the MIL and FIL started asking him about his new job.
It all started when the OP’s FIL and MIL invited him to their house to talk to him alone
Image credits: Nos**tsorry___
When he arrived, he was asked to leave his keys and phone in the other room, which was weird, but the OP didn’t give too much notice to it
Image credits: Nos**tsorry___
The conversation led to the in-laws asking him how much he earns. The OP didn’t understand why they would need this information so he politely got out of the question. The in-laws were persistent and asked why he was hiding the exact number. This time the man didn’t try to hide his irritation and explained that this is none of their business.
The FIL didn’t see it that way. He thought that he has the right to know if his daughter is marrying a man who can provide for her and their future children.
His fiancée’s parents started asking him about his job and his salary
Image credits: Nos**tsorry___
Parents are always worrying about their children even if they are fully grown and are completely able to care for themselves, so this reasoning is quite understandable, so the OP explained that he earns enough and his fiancée’s parents shouldn’t worry about that.
Besides, a relationship should be based on love and respect and there will always be ways to earn money, but a strong relationship is much harder to develop and maintain.
Unexpectedly, the MIL disagreed. She proceeded to give examples of why not having enough money would be a problem and whatever examples she gave, it is undeniable that not having enough money causes a lot of worry and issues, but it shouldn’t be a criteria when choosing a partner for life.
Image credits: Nos**tsorry___
The OP didn’t want to reveal it and when the in-laws locked him in the room, he called them gold diggers
Image credits: Nos**tsorry___
The Redditor still thought that there was no reason to discuss his financial situation with his in-laws but the MIL was determined to find it out and thought that the secrecy was disrespectful as they are not random strangers.
That is when the man got so annoyed he wanted to leave to cool off, but the FIL locked the door and said that the OP would be allowed to leave when they were done with the conversation. The FIL asking the OP to calm down didn’t help this situation at all and he lost control, speaking his mind that his earnings are not his fiancée’s parents’ business and by insisting that he tell them this information, they were making themselves look like gold diggers.
The parents got really offended and their daughter sided with them, asking the OP to apologize to them
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The FIL let the OP out and it was clear the parents got offended. They complained to the fiancée and to the man’s disbelief, she sided with her mom and dad, asking him to apologize to them.
He asked his future wife if she thought her parents’ behavior was acceptable, but she avoided the question and tried to convince the OP that she really doesn’t care about his financial status and that her parents just wanted to make sure they have a good life so he should not be mad at them for showing they care.
Image credits: Nos**tsorry___
He doesn’t think this is right but at the same time can’t get rid of the feeling that he might have been a jerk
Image credits: Nos**tsorry___
The OP understands that his in-laws feel offended but at the same time, he doesn’t feel like they have a right to stick their nose into his wallet. He is worried that the relationship with his new family might suffer. He told the moderator of the subreddit “I think that I was the a**hole for disrespecting them and calling them gold diggers in their own house. I could’ve just told them how much I make and I think I was a jerk about it.”
However, other Reddit users don’t consider him to be a jerk. They are actually quite worried that he will be marrying into such a family and think that the fiancée siding with her parents indicates that there will be more similar issues in the future. Many people advised the OP to not continue with the marriage and others understanding that he won’t listen to the internet to make such a huge life decision suggested that he would at least consider having a prenup.
Image credits: Nos**tsorry___
Do you find the parents asking their son-in-law about his salary weird? Or do you think him being so stubborn and not wanting to reveal it was disrespectful? How would you feel if you were the parents and what would you do if you were in the OP’s shoes? Let us know in the comments and if you have any similar stories, we would be interested to hear them!
Other Redditors thought that the OP reacted like anyone would and actually called the fiancée’s parents criminals for locking him in
Could you imagine how much worse people would perceive this story if it were a woman cornered and unlawfully locked in a room against her will? Because you're a guy, doesn't mean you deserve any less consideration and respect. This behavior is so incredibly disturbing, that if I questioned my fiance and he didn't say it was a problem but that it's actually my fault, the gaslighting bell would be ringing in my head and i'd break up with them then and there. Run, friend, run for your life and find someone who truly respects you, and where their family will only utter the usual "you hurt her, i'll kill you" jangle instead of wanting a fuc*ing credit report.
False imprisonment is cause for a skull fracture and a police report. F them all if she decides to side with the parents that's on her and you don't need to go there. Coming from someone who literally had to call the cops on my in-laws.
This was actually a really easy way to figure that out.
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Huuuuge red flags, a freakin' forest of them! If the guy still wants to marry the girl with psycho parents, I would strongly suggest a prenuptial agreement.
And beware of contact with their children, if they have any. Who knows what they'd do to grandchildren - kidnap them because they don't like how they're being brought up?
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The fact that they made sure he didn't have his phone or keys on him before locking him up suggests they know dämn well that what they did was illegal and wrong. But they did it anyway, counting on him not doing anything about it later because they've conditioned their daughter into thinking that this behaviour is totally fine, and knew that she'd talk him down. They keys too... yikes. Just how long were they planning on illegally confining him?! Or perhaps at least ensuring he'd be locked out of his own home. Frankly, they sound unhinged! Hope he runs for the hills; that behaviour-- and the fact that the daughter sees nothing wrong with it and completely sides with her parents-- is highly disturbing. Makes you wonder what they're capable of.
I'm not a lawyer, but I feel that locking someone in a room against their will is considered unlawful restraint or wrongful imprisonment. It is not just strange, it's a crime.
DON’T GET MARRIED!!!!! The fact that she’s not upset at what they did is an even bigger red flag!
The "cultural" excuse. "My father hsx yo di what was necessary to protect me."
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I wonder how many will run away... She's in denial about her parents being controlling under the guise of "caring".
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Wouldn't locking him in a room without access to his phone or keys be unlawful imprisonment or something? In the States, that's a felony.
Yes, it's a felony, and the fact that they think it's okay makes me think they've been doing far worse to their children for years. A prenup won't deal with this problem, he needs to talk to the fiancee about both setting mutual boundaries, and protecting her from future abuse.
Load More Replies... The fiancée can’t help how her parents are trash, but she damn sure doesn’t have to support it. The fiancée backed her parents instead of her own partner. That’s a bigger red flag than anything the parents do. The parents are desperate trash with no shame. But the fiancée supports that. I would make this into a HUGE fight between her and I and see where that goes. Really reaallly press the issue. She has to acknowledge what her parents did or she’s clearly covering up for them. Super ugly.
You're marrying her because they need provider... Are you sure she actually loves you? Because I'd doubt. Did she and her family ever considered that one in relationship shouldn't be provider but that they both contribute to mutual well-being?
It's also possible that the parents aren't after the OP's money, that they're afraid he's a leech and will father children he can't support. Which doesn't excuse any of their actions, illegal imprisonment is illegal imprisonment no matter the motives.
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There are so many red flags here, it looks like Red Square on Mayday circa 1975. He is supposed to "apologize" for not allowing his in Laws to kidnap him and answer their financial questions? In the U&SA that would be unlawful arrest or even kidnapping. Canada should not be that different. The most worrisome issue is the girlfriend attitude toward the event. If my parents did something similar to my wife-to-be, all hell would have dropped on them. In fact, I know it would because my mother also did something equally obnoxious to my wife and I kicked her out of my house. My father was innocent of it on account that 1) He would never behave like that 2) He was dead.
Take this red flag as a foretelling for the future. If your fiancee was siding with them it means she agrees with them.
If you still intend to marry into that family, get a lawyer and a prenup literally as soon as physically possible. But in my very honest opinion, I would push the wedding back a year just to be sure. I have a strange feeling your new in-laws are going to be moving in to your house before you know it.
This isn't A red flag. It's a whole damn forest of them. OP needs to run fast and far away from these psychos.
F**k that, leave her now.. trust me. You will never be right in their eyes.
One of the strongest predictors of a long marriage is shared family values. Clearly not the case here. If he doesn't end it, a solid prenup is mandatory
The OP actually does need to share financial information with his fiancee, that is something she has a right to know, even if her parents are nosy bastards who have no problem breaking the law in the pursuit of nosiness! Yes, the parents WILL shift their pressure from him to her when he tells her, but he has no right to withhold financial information from his partner no matter what her parents are like.
In my culture, we don't do joint accounts. Literally, no one knows how much my father is earning and everybody is fine with that. And it's not just in my family, this is actually pretty normal.
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Not a LatAm thing to do that even if they were concerned. This was horrendous behavior. You should not marry this woman without a prenup. While it seems that you don't cate about the stay at home woman arrangement your in-laws have indicated that they will interfere in every aspect. And in a violent manner, nonetheless. Your future wife has some maturing to do. I would run for my life.
A prenup won't stop abusive behavior. They didn't try to take his money, they just tried to coerce him into divulging personal information, which shows they have a psychotic and abusive way of dealing with everyday issues. So he doesn't need a prenup, he needs a serious conversation and/or premarital counseling with his wife. He should only proceed with the marriage if she recognizes that her parents are abusive, and is willing to work with him to change relationships and head off massive in-law problems.
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Run! Exercise is good, clears head, put some distance between this family. Love means nothing if this is what your future family is like. Plenty of people love their EX partners, but sometimes the priorities don't aline. This is another example where if your girlfriend either has same beliefs as her parents or in denial. Both are red flags. If you do marry, prenup would be essential. Protect any children for future, but make sure to secure yourself. Plenty of people in this world have gotten married and divorced for money. Protect yourself. Silver lining you found out what that family is before marrying. Count your blessings! Anyone locking me in room is a manipulative AH!!!
As Iron Maiden would say: Ruuuun to the hills, Ruuuun for your live!
I have nothing to add but run to the door, don't walk run. The fiancée is gaslighting dude into thinking he overreacted. Plus, those in-laws will forever be in his business. They will run the marriage, from telling them how many kids to have, to what house to buy. It will hurt now but will be far worse later if he stays.
My man! May Good Luck be with you in whatever you decide to do about this relationship. An you're not the Ass! Also just a thought; if this woman sided with her parents over this Incident. I'm thinking she'll most likely side with them on just about everything. An you Sir will always be the odd man out in every decision of importance in your marriage. I apologize to be so blunt,but I'd take a big step back; an a new deeper, longer,and more stern look at what you're about to commit your life to. 🤔😳 Stay Thirsty My Friend!
Always hated it when Mom said "You don't marry the man, you marry the whole family" Always hated that, but damn, she was right. Don't marry that family!
This story kind of reminds me of when I went to my girlfriend's (now wife) home country to see her family. At the time, I was making considerably more money than her, so I paid for flights, hotels and everything we could put on credit card. She took care of everything we paid in cash (some restaurants, small purchases at shops etc) - since she was familiar with the currency and she had a lot of cash in her local bank account, it worked well. We were there for a few days and her mom pulled her aside and said "Are you ok financially? It looks like he's making you pay for everything". My wife just laughed and pulled out the credit card she was using and showed her it was in my name. So I guess the moral is, it's ok for parents to be concerned with their children's welfare, but parents should talk to their own child, not to the fiance. If their child is ok with the situation, then the parents need to be ok with it too.
Oooo, if this had happened with my husband, I'd have cussed everyone out and blocked them. I'm a FIRM believer in NOT talking about your relationship with family; it only causes trouble. Don't get involved with mine and I won't with yours. How awful of them to do this! And shame on her for allowing it!!!
Run! She's not going to be any different than them if she's okay with that behavior. Just run.
NTA. The moment they were saying leave your phone and go to a back room I would have noped out of there.
I know that some cultures are more open about money than others, but the moment they locked him in a room, all bets were off. I already wouldn't have left my phone and keys outside, this shows that it was premeditated. I feel for the fiancee as culturally, it would be probably inconceivable for her to cut her parents off, but what they did was simply illegal and deeply disturbing.
As soon as they said "leave your phone and your keys," I was thinking "Nope. Run". That whole family is a huge red flag.
If your fiancee can't understand why what they did to you does not involve you apologizing then she should be giving you red flags, too.
Not even my family can make me spill how much I'm earning. And well, since you're not married to their daughter yet, they're technically still strangers to you.
In some cultures is very normal and very necessary to know the exact salary in numbers of the man ur daughter is getting married to. Directly asking the salary and expecting a normal reply is part of Indian marriage system be it Love or arrange marriage. I believe it's ""cultural differences gone wrong"" thing. Happened in my marriage also, huge cultural differences. Nobody was being bad or gold diggers but our parents fought like **** ! 😅😅
I'll just say my part. I married a Latin woman who I am still very happily married with. However, in 10 years of marriage all her family has done has asked for money non-stop. Literally weekly and to the point they always knew when pay day was etc. My wife had to flat tell her own family the bank is closed between us and them and it has caused nothing but problems. Lots of things have been said about us all coming down to us not giving them money for their parties and irresponsibility. Pay bills first, party later right?. Oh no not with them. If they are acting this way now it will just get worse. It took my wife about two years and multiple thousands of dollars later to realize that they only cared about the money and nothing of us in general. Hope this helps.
Sounds like mom and pop were planning on hitting you up for loans and such. I had a coworker with inlaws like this. They had gambling problems and forced their kids to give them money to keep the lights on and such. When he said no, they contacted our commanding officer and said he was not providing for his family. I had to do an audit on his pay to make sure he was getting everything he was entitled to, and then he had to print bank statements off to show where his money went. Then his BIL wrote a letter to the CO saying his parents were lying, they were trying to get money out of him. Unbelieable.
Even without the "leave your phone and keys here" garbage, personal finances are just that: personal. In the early days of being married to my ex, we moved to a different town and lived with his grandparents for a bit. It was difficult to find a place to rent, since we had no intention of giving up our dog and our cats. His grandparents kept hammering at us to just take them all the to pound, as if it was no big deal. That was one of many reasons to really loathe them, but the day my ex's grandmother asked how much money was in our savings was the last straw for me. She had a fit when I didn't tell her, but I didn't back down. Long after that, when my former BIL were talking about them and how they didn't really like me, he stated that it was because they were right: we were being just stubborn about the pets, should have given them up. I told the a**h*t that wasn't why they didn't like me: they were still pissed because they weren't used to hearing anyone tell them "NO". This guy is destined for a very difficult relationship with these people. I hope he rethinks this.
NTA means Not The A-hole and AITA means Am I The A-hole? :))) ESH means Everyone Sucks Here and YTA means You're The A-hole
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Instant eyebrow raise whenever people ask how much money I'm making. You simply don't ask people that.
WTH If someone locked the door like that I would come out with the door
I would have filed charges for unlawful imprisonment. Also, I wonder how many times they've done this before and gotten away with it.
Let these relationships suffer. These are not people you want a relationship with! I learnt in my 20s the morenof a "bigger person" I am the more people push you ti accept the unthinkable. I knew it bur rarely had the guts to follow through. Anyway this engagement won't last.
Not sure - could just be cultural difference as in many countries, including his own, it would have been normal not so long ago to expect to know your future son-in-law's financial circumstances before consenting to the marriage. I'm not sure they're gold diggers. The parts that would worry me are having a conversation with him behind their daughter's back and locking the door. They need to understand each other's backgrounds better before they marry.
Cultural Difference is NO excuse! Rudeness is not acceptable in any culture, and the parents (and bride-to-be) are out of line. Run!!!!!
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Yep sounded like they were about to ask for a handout. As for locking him in a room. THAT IS KIDNAPPING. A felony.
I find that people are only really offended by insults when the insults have a bit of truth to them. I wouldn't say that the parents' initial behavior was out of line but the moment they locked in in the bathroom that is when they way overstepped. There is no excuse for ever locking someone in a room like that. What were they thinking? Were they trying to intimidate him? The girlfriend should have sided with the boyfriend as soon as she heard that. Can her parents really not get over a basic insult if he is willing to get over being locked in a bathroom?
Oh God please tell me you're not together anymore. Dodge this bullet, dude. NTA BTW.
A frank conversation needed with the financee about her past. Because if she fails to see how wrong her parents were to act like that, it suggests to me that she may have experienced this coercive and downright abusive behaviour during her own childhood. If she thinks that is normal, I wouldn't be breaking up with her arbitrarily, I'd be getting her some help.
Omg I would sue. U still wondering if you should marry this woman?? RUN BABY RUN FAST
My dad always said to never talk about religion, politics or money!!!
OP sounds like he hasn’t told his fiancé his income either. Red flags all around.
Like someone said, OP and Fiancé will eventually have to share this info for budgeting, etc. I'm worried that Fiancé will tell her parents once she finds out based on that reaction
Is this attitude still alive in Latin AMerica? I confess I don't know the social norms of the area the family may be from, if it is, ensuring your daughter is marrying someone who could provide could be a very ingrained cultural norm. It could be that where they're from such vague answers are sure fire signs of a mooching bum. I deeply dislike the whole situation, but nothing I saw here said gold diggers specifically. Find out if it is normal in the culture they were brought up in. Either way, trying to lock him in until he fessed up was over the line.
They should teach their daughters to provide for themselves instead of this misogynistic sexist brainwashing
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Actually not at all unusual in some cultures to ask about finances and the future. Especially when it's a daughter.
Sounds like a lot of triggers were popping off & with ensuing panic, cruel words start flying defensively, boom, it's all overboard drowning in panic & defense. Since they started it, they should apologize. He, being the better man to begin with, apologizes too, because there are always better words. Back if tho level ground & try again. Honestly. There are words.
I think part of the issue here is caused by cultural differences. In parts of South America, marriage is a business transaction, and even requires a dowry to "buy" the woman from her family. While this would be completely abnormal to a north American, it's not abnormal for them.
I think the answer to this dilemma is in the first line...maybe where the male is from, marraige is about how you make each other feel. But. Perhaps where these parents are from in Latin America, marraige is a much more practical matter. They are not wrong in that finances is one of the biggest things that destroys a marraige. While they went about it in a very cringey way, the male fiance made no effort to treat them as if they're on the same team. The parents just want the best for their daughter. The Candian guy has some type of traditional values for him not to object to them expecting him to carry the brunt of the financial burden in the first place. So. I really don't understand what this guy is doing. He really shouldn't date interculturally if he jumps to demonizing people because they handle something differently than he would. It seemed like he jumped straight into the defensive rather than letting them know he understands their concern
Seriously? His finances are none of their business. Nor is their choice as to where they live. Or have children, or how many children. Or even what religion they follow. If any.
Load More Replies... While the poster might not be an asshole, he's not particularly ready to talk about marriage at this point in time. It's incredibly common in many culture to do what the in-laws did - though not how they did it (cutting off all coping devices and forms of communication is just an example of how they knew this man was not ready to marry their daughter). So, he's not ready, not to marry this woman, and he might not be right for her family or culture.
NTA, but he should still apologize to keep the peace. Adults apologize all the time even if they really didn’t do anything wrong. He can be the big man, apologize and they probably will too. Then they can all move on. Maybe move the wedding date back.
He should marry a nice WASP girl and be done with it. He clearly cannot deal with other people than the little tribe he was born into. "NTA" my foot, if you can't handle a discussion without it derailing like that. Obviously he shouldn't have been locked in, but long before that he lost the plot, and the argument.
You can’t believe people have low self worth? May I introduce you to humanity at large? Seems like you’ve never been outside.
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Then the dad did a terrible job raising her, if he didn’t make sure she was capable of making that certain for her own self rather than needing daddy to investigate. Also maybe the daughter doesn’t mind marrying poverty. Sounds like her own parents are deep in poverty themselves and have no room to say other poor people shouldn’t marry.
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Could you imagine how much worse people would perceive this story if it were a woman cornered and unlawfully locked in a room against her will? Because you're a guy, doesn't mean you deserve any less consideration and respect. This behavior is so incredibly disturbing, that if I questioned my fiance and he didn't say it was a problem but that it's actually my fault, the gaslighting bell would be ringing in my head and i'd break up with them then and there. Run, friend, run for your life and find someone who truly respects you, and where their family will only utter the usual "you hurt her, i'll kill you" jangle instead of wanting a fuc*ing credit report.
False imprisonment is cause for a skull fracture and a police report. F them all if she decides to side with the parents that's on her and you don't need to go there. Coming from someone who literally had to call the cops on my in-laws.
This was actually a really easy way to figure that out.
Load More Replies... Huuuuge red flags, a freakin' forest of them! If the guy still wants to marry the girl with psycho parents, I would strongly suggest a prenuptial agreement.
And beware of contact with their children, if they have any. Who knows what they'd do to grandchildren - kidnap them because they don't like how they're being brought up?
Load More Replies... The fact that they made sure he didn't have his phone or keys on him before locking him up suggests they know dämn well that what they did was illegal and wrong. But they did it anyway, counting on him not doing anything about it later because they've conditioned their daughter into thinking that this behaviour is totally fine, and knew that she'd talk him down. They keys too... yikes. Just how long were they planning on illegally confining him?! Or perhaps at least ensuring he'd be locked out of his own home. Frankly, they sound unhinged! Hope he runs for the hills; that behaviour-- and the fact that the daughter sees nothing wrong with it and completely sides with her parents-- is highly disturbing. Makes you wonder what they're capable of.
I'm not a lawyer, but I feel that locking someone in a room against their will is considered unlawful restraint or wrongful imprisonment. It is not just strange, it's a crime.
DON’T GET MARRIED!!!!! The fact that she’s not upset at what they did is an even bigger red flag!
The "cultural" excuse. "My father hsx yo di what was necessary to protect me."
Load More Replies... I wonder how many will run away... She's in denial about her parents being controlling under the guise of "caring".
Load More Replies... Wouldn't locking him in a room without access to his phone or keys be unlawful imprisonment or something? In the States, that's a felony.
Yes, it's a felony, and the fact that they think it's okay makes me think they've been doing far worse to their children for years. A prenup won't deal with this problem, he needs to talk to the fiancee about both setting mutual boundaries, and protecting her from future abuse.
Load More Replies... The fiancée can’t help how her parents are trash, but she damn sure doesn’t have to support it. The fiancée backed her parents instead of her own partner. That’s a bigger red flag than anything the parents do. The parents are desperate trash with no shame. But the fiancée supports that. I would make this into a HUGE fight between her and I and see where that goes. Really reaallly press the issue. She has to acknowledge what her parents did or she’s clearly covering up for them. Super ugly.
You're marrying her because they need provider... Are you sure she actually loves you? Because I'd doubt. Did she and her family ever considered that one in relationship shouldn't be provider but that they both contribute to mutual well-being?
It's also possible that the parents aren't after the OP's money, that they're afraid he's a leech and will father children he can't support. Which doesn't excuse any of their actions, illegal imprisonment is illegal imprisonment no matter the motives.
Load More Replies... There are so many red flags here, it looks like Red Square on Mayday circa 1975. He is supposed to "apologize" for not allowing his in Laws to kidnap him and answer their financial questions? In the U&SA that would be unlawful arrest or even kidnapping. Canada should not be that different. The most worrisome issue is the girlfriend attitude toward the event. If my parents did something similar to my wife-to-be, all hell would have dropped on them. In fact, I know it would because my mother also did something equally obnoxious to my wife and I kicked her out of my house. My father was innocent of it on account that 1) He would never behave like that 2) He was dead.
Take this red flag as a foretelling for the future. If your fiancee was siding with them it means she agrees with them.
If you still intend to marry into that family, get a lawyer and a prenup literally as soon as physically possible. But in my very honest opinion, I would push the wedding back a year just to be sure. I have a strange feeling your new in-laws are going to be moving in to your house before you know it.
This isn't A red flag. It's a whole damn forest of them. OP needs to run fast and far away from these psychos.
F**k that, leave her now.. trust me. You will never be right in their eyes.
One of the strongest predictors of a long marriage is shared family values. Clearly not the case here. If he doesn't end it, a solid prenup is mandatory
The OP actually does need to share financial information with his fiancee, that is something she has a right to know, even if her parents are nosy bastards who have no problem breaking the law in the pursuit of nosiness! Yes, the parents WILL shift their pressure from him to her when he tells her, but he has no right to withhold financial information from his partner no matter what her parents are like.
In my culture, we don't do joint accounts. Literally, no one knows how much my father is earning and everybody is fine with that. And it's not just in my family, this is actually pretty normal.
Load More Replies... Not a LatAm thing to do that even if they were concerned. This was horrendous behavior. You should not marry this woman without a prenup. While it seems that you don't cate about the stay at home woman arrangement your in-laws have indicated that they will interfere in every aspect. And in a violent manner, nonetheless. Your future wife has some maturing to do. I would run for my life.
A prenup won't stop abusive behavior. They didn't try to take his money, they just tried to coerce him into divulging personal information, which shows they have a psychotic and abusive way of dealing with everyday issues. So he doesn't need a prenup, he needs a serious conversation and/or premarital counseling with his wife. He should only proceed with the marriage if she recognizes that her parents are abusive, and is willing to work with him to change relationships and head off massive in-law problems.
Load More Replies... Run! Exercise is good, clears head, put some distance between this family. Love means nothing if this is what your future family is like. Plenty of people love their EX partners, but sometimes the priorities don't aline. This is another example where if your girlfriend either has same beliefs as her parents or in denial. Both are red flags. If you do marry, prenup would be essential. Protect any children for future, but make sure to secure yourself. Plenty of people in this world have gotten married and divorced for money. Protect yourself. Silver lining you found out what that family is before marrying. Count your blessings! Anyone locking me in room is a manipulative AH!!!
As Iron Maiden would say: Ruuuun to the hills, Ruuuun for your live!
I have nothing to add but run to the door, don't walk run. The fiancée is gaslighting dude into thinking he overreacted. Plus, those in-laws will forever be in his business. They will run the marriage, from telling them how many kids to have, to what house to buy. It will hurt now but will be far worse later if he stays.
My man! May Good Luck be with you in whatever you decide to do about this relationship. An you're not the Ass! Also just a thought; if this woman sided with her parents over this Incident. I'm thinking she'll most likely side with them on just about everything. An you Sir will always be the odd man out in every decision of importance in your marriage. I apologize to be so blunt,but I'd take a big step back; an a new deeper, longer,and more stern look at what you're about to commit your life to. 🤔😳 Stay Thirsty My Friend!
Always hated it when Mom said "You don't marry the man, you marry the whole family" Always hated that, but damn, she was right. Don't marry that family!
This story kind of reminds me of when I went to my girlfriend's (now wife) home country to see her family. At the time, I was making considerably more money than her, so I paid for flights, hotels and everything we could put on credit card. She took care of everything we paid in cash (some restaurants, small purchases at shops etc) - since she was familiar with the currency and she had a lot of cash in her local bank account, it worked well. We were there for a few days and her mom pulled her aside and said "Are you ok financially? It looks like he's making you pay for everything". My wife just laughed and pulled out the credit card she was using and showed her it was in my name. So I guess the moral is, it's ok for parents to be concerned with their children's welfare, but parents should talk to their own child, not to the fiance. If their child is ok with the situation, then the parents need to be ok with it too.
Oooo, if this had happened with my husband, I'd have cussed everyone out and blocked them. I'm a FIRM believer in NOT talking about your relationship with family; it only causes trouble. Don't get involved with mine and I won't with yours. How awful of them to do this! And shame on her for allowing it!!!
Run! She's not going to be any different than them if she's okay with that behavior. Just run.
NTA. The moment they were saying leave your phone and go to a back room I would have noped out of there.
I know that some cultures are more open about money than others, but the moment they locked him in a room, all bets were off. I already wouldn't have left my phone and keys outside, this shows that it was premeditated. I feel for the fiancee as culturally, it would be probably inconceivable for her to cut her parents off, but what they did was simply illegal and deeply disturbing.
As soon as they said "leave your phone and your keys," I was thinking "Nope. Run". That whole family is a huge red flag.
If your fiancee can't understand why what they did to you does not involve you apologizing then she should be giving you red flags, too.
Not even my family can make me spill how much I'm earning. And well, since you're not married to their daughter yet, they're technically still strangers to you.
In some cultures is very normal and very necessary to know the exact salary in numbers of the man ur daughter is getting married to. Directly asking the salary and expecting a normal reply is part of Indian marriage system be it Love or arrange marriage. I believe it's ""cultural differences gone wrong"" thing. Happened in my marriage also, huge cultural differences. Nobody was being bad or gold diggers but our parents fought like **** ! 😅😅
I'll just say my part. I married a Latin woman who I am still very happily married with. However, in 10 years of marriage all her family has done has asked for money non-stop. Literally weekly and to the point they always knew when pay day was etc. My wife had to flat tell her own family the bank is closed between us and them and it has caused nothing but problems. Lots of things have been said about us all coming down to us not giving them money for their parties and irresponsibility. Pay bills first, party later right?. Oh no not with them. If they are acting this way now it will just get worse. It took my wife about two years and multiple thousands of dollars later to realize that they only cared about the money and nothing of us in general. Hope this helps.
Sounds like mom and pop were planning on hitting you up for loans and such. I had a coworker with inlaws like this. They had gambling problems and forced their kids to give them money to keep the lights on and such. When he said no, they contacted our commanding officer and said he was not providing for his family. I had to do an audit on his pay to make sure he was getting everything he was entitled to, and then he had to print bank statements off to show where his money went. Then his BIL wrote a letter to the CO saying his parents were lying, they were trying to get money out of him. Unbelieable.
Even without the "leave your phone and keys here" garbage, personal finances are just that: personal. In the early days of being married to my ex, we moved to a different town and lived with his grandparents for a bit. It was difficult to find a place to rent, since we had no intention of giving up our dog and our cats. His grandparents kept hammering at us to just take them all the to pound, as if it was no big deal. That was one of many reasons to really loathe them, but the day my ex's grandmother asked how much money was in our savings was the last straw for me. She had a fit when I didn't tell her, but I didn't back down. Long after that, when my former BIL were talking about them and how they didn't really like me, he stated that it was because they were right: we were being just stubborn about the pets, should have given them up. I told the a**h*t that wasn't why they didn't like me: they were still pissed because they weren't used to hearing anyone tell them "NO". This guy is destined for a very difficult relationship with these people. I hope he rethinks this.
NTA means Not The A-hole and AITA means Am I The A-hole? :))) ESH means Everyone Sucks Here and YTA means You're The A-hole
Load More Replies... Instant eyebrow raise whenever people ask how much money I'm making. You simply don't ask people that.
WTH If someone locked the door like that I would come out with the door
I would have filed charges for unlawful imprisonment. Also, I wonder how many times they've done this before and gotten away with it.
Let these relationships suffer. These are not people you want a relationship with! I learnt in my 20s the morenof a "bigger person" I am the more people push you ti accept the unthinkable. I knew it bur rarely had the guts to follow through. Anyway this engagement won't last.
Not sure - could just be cultural difference as in many countries, including his own, it would have been normal not so long ago to expect to know your future son-in-law's financial circumstances before consenting to the marriage. I'm not sure they're gold diggers. The parts that would worry me are having a conversation with him behind their daughter's back and locking the door. They need to understand each other's backgrounds better before they marry.
Cultural Difference is NO excuse! Rudeness is not acceptable in any culture, and the parents (and bride-to-be) are out of line. Run!!!!!
Load More Replies... Yep sounded like they were about to ask for a handout. As for locking him in a room. THAT IS KIDNAPPING. A felony.
I find that people are only really offended by insults when the insults have a bit of truth to them. I wouldn't say that the parents' initial behavior was out of line but the moment they locked in in the bathroom that is when they way overstepped. There is no excuse for ever locking someone in a room like that. What were they thinking? Were they trying to intimidate him? The girlfriend should have sided with the boyfriend as soon as she heard that. Can her parents really not get over a basic insult if he is willing to get over being locked in a bathroom?
Oh God please tell me you're not together anymore. Dodge this bullet, dude. NTA BTW.
A frank conversation needed with the financee about her past. Because if she fails to see how wrong her parents were to act like that, it suggests to me that she may have experienced this coercive and downright abusive behaviour during her own childhood. If she thinks that is normal, I wouldn't be breaking up with her arbitrarily, I'd be getting her some help.
Omg I would sue. U still wondering if you should marry this woman?? RUN BABY RUN FAST
My dad always said to never talk about religion, politics or money!!!
OP sounds like he hasn’t told his fiancé his income either. Red flags all around.
Like someone said, OP and Fiancé will eventually have to share this info for budgeting, etc. I'm worried that Fiancé will tell her parents once she finds out based on that reaction
Is this attitude still alive in Latin AMerica? I confess I don't know the social norms of the area the family may be from, if it is, ensuring your daughter is marrying someone who could provide could be a very ingrained cultural norm. It could be that where they're from such vague answers are sure fire signs of a mooching bum. I deeply dislike the whole situation, but nothing I saw here said gold diggers specifically. Find out if it is normal in the culture they were brought up in. Either way, trying to lock him in until he fessed up was over the line.
They should teach their daughters to provide for themselves instead of this misogynistic sexist brainwashing
Load More Replies... Actually not at all unusual in some cultures to ask about finances and the future. Especially when it's a daughter.
Sounds like a lot of triggers were popping off & with ensuing panic, cruel words start flying defensively, boom, it's all overboard drowning in panic & defense. Since they started it, they should apologize. He, being the better man to begin with, apologizes too, because there are always better words. Back if tho level ground & try again. Honestly. There are words.
I think part of the issue here is caused by cultural differences. In parts of South America, marriage is a business transaction, and even requires a dowry to "buy" the woman from her family. While this would be completely abnormal to a north American, it's not abnormal for them.
I think the answer to this dilemma is in the first line...maybe where the male is from, marraige is about how you make each other feel. But. Perhaps where these parents are from in Latin America, marraige is a much more practical matter. They are not wrong in that finances is one of the biggest things that destroys a marraige. While they went about it in a very cringey way, the male fiance made no effort to treat them as if they're on the same team. The parents just want the best for their daughter. The Candian guy has some type of traditional values for him not to object to them expecting him to carry the brunt of the financial burden in the first place. So. I really don't understand what this guy is doing. He really shouldn't date interculturally if he jumps to demonizing people because they handle something differently than he would. It seemed like he jumped straight into the defensive rather than letting them know he understands their concern
Seriously? His finances are none of their business. Nor is their choice as to where they live. Or have children, or how many children. Or even what religion they follow. If any.
Load More Replies... While the poster might not be an asshole, he's not particularly ready to talk about marriage at this point in time. It's incredibly common in many culture to do what the in-laws did - though not how they did it (cutting off all coping devices and forms of communication is just an example of how they knew this man was not ready to marry their daughter). So, he's not ready, not to marry this woman, and he might not be right for her family or culture.
NTA, but he should still apologize to keep the peace. Adults apologize all the time even if they really didn’t do anything wrong. He can be the big man, apologize and they probably will too. Then they can all move on. Maybe move the wedding date back.
He should marry a nice WASP girl and be done with it. He clearly cannot deal with other people than the little tribe he was born into. "NTA" my foot, if you can't handle a discussion without it derailing like that. Obviously he shouldn't have been locked in, but long before that he lost the plot, and the argument.
You can’t believe people have low self worth? May I introduce you to humanity at large? Seems like you’ve never been outside.
Load More Replies... Then the dad did a terrible job raising her, if he didn’t make sure she was capable of making that certain for her own self rather than needing daddy to investigate. Also maybe the daughter doesn’t mind marrying poverty. Sounds like her own parents are deep in poverty themselves and have no room to say other poor people shouldn’t marry.
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