Hey Pandas, AITA For Being Unsettled By My Family’s Secret Christmas Arrangement?
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Am I TA here?
So my parents and I have a fractious relationship and for the most part, I have no contact with them while I work with a counselor through my trauma. This year I decided that I couldn’t cope with the massive family expectations of Christmas (it’s a big deal in our family history) so I said to my husband I wasn’t up for it, and he was quite happy to not make the 12-hour round trip to pretend that we were enjoying ourselves being around people that we feel uncomfortable with.
So I said to Mum and Dad that we were unavailable to come, but that we were having a family picnic on the 24th if they’d like to join us. They emailed back and said they were coming down on the 18th to get some stuff from a house renovation shop so they’d like to visit while they were there. So I emailed back and said yes, I can make sure I’m home that day and whilst my husband can’t take the day off, he can work from home and we can use his lunch break to hang out.
My work had an end-of-year event at the races the day before and I know Mum loves the races, so I also invited her to that
Image credits: Chad Madden (not the actual photo)
She accepted, so the plan was made, and no further discussions about Christmas were had in the month or so between this email chat and when they were coming down.
On the 17th Mum arrived as planned and we had a good time at the races – better than usual, so I was hopeful that it was a sign we could continue towards having a good relationship in the future. So I was looking forward to the next day’s hangout plans with her and Dad. I was expecting a catch-up on family news, the kids could show them the things they are interested in, maybe go to the pool, play a few games, that sort of thing. During the 5+ hours I spent with Mum that day, not a hint was said that would make me think the day would be any different.
So they turn up today and then Mum announces in front of the kids ‘While we’re here, can we do Christmas today’ – and I was like ah… Caught off guard
Image credits: freestocks (not the actual photo)
I don’t know what to say here, so I employed a breath technique and decided actually, that could work, I could be ok with that and it might be rather fun (yay therapy success! I coped!) So I tried to respond well and said that’s a lovely idea. Then we sit down and start opening presents and Mum says ‘Wait! I need to get photos of you kids because I promised the rellies at home I would bring them photos of you guys opening your gifts’ and at that point, for me, the joy was stripped away.
This was pre-arranged with everyone in the extended family. This wasn’t an impromptu ‘yeah, let’s do it, because let’s take the opportunity while it’s there’ moment, it was an exercise of meeting someone else’s demands and expectations.
I rang my Grandma because she’s a safe person and she said yes, they knew we were doing Christmas today, because my sister and her husband also couldn’t come up for Christmas
Image credits: Nina Mercado (not the actual photo)
That’s why it was arranged for Mum and Dad to come down and have today as Christmas. She knew that Mum and Dad had gifts from all the extended family. That they had gone and picked up our gifts from everyone else and promised to share the photos in return.
So while the gifts were lovely, I am now left feeling deflated. I feel for this year, it wouldn’t have been hard for anyone in my extended family to communicate with me beforehand that the expectation of the trip was to do Christmas today.
I know there are possibly a few who may think ‘Just enjoy it for what it is’, and I would love to be able to do that. I can enjoy and appreciate that for the kids, that was the best day ever. So my plan for next year is to put further communication in place to see if we can be clear on exactly when and what our Christmas family celebrations look like.
Am I TA here for feeling disrespected and hurt that the entire family knew something we didn’t?
Thanks for reading!
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
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Think you're over reacting but not knowing what happened in your family that caused your trauma I don't think it's my place to comment. Hope you have a Merry Christmas.
I agree with this. On the face of it, your reaction is a little extreme. I understand that the lack of communication would be frustrating but at the same time, it doesn't sound like you communicated your expectations either? But whether we think you are overreacting is not really relevant - Something here was triggering for you and that's totally valid. Trauma is rarely logical or reasonable. You might benefit from discussing with your therapist to better understand the trigger and how to move forward. Good luck
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You can't be an AHole for feeling things. It's what you actually DO that can make you an Ahole.
I agree with this, and the way you did respond was very positive for how you felt. Not the A.
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I think this would usually be okay if the family dynamics were different. But with the situation being as it is its very likely the mom did this to stomp boundaries and have it her way, generating a situation where OP couldn't say anything without hurting the kids and again going along with what her mom wanted. The nicest gesture can be weaponized and be harmful when it's done in bad faith and it's something that controlling parents love to do. It's called love bombing. They willfully ignore boundaries and requests in a way that looks kind, but still is a violation of trust and agreements. They also rope the complete family in and turn them into flying monkeys if the person they're ignoring tries to fight back. That's why controlling behaviour from toxic parents is so hard to fight. They explicitly aim to make other people extra happy to pressure the one person trying to set boundaries into going along. Stay away from internet. Talk to your therapist.
Think you're over reacting but not knowing what happened in your family that caused your trauma I don't think it's my place to comment. Hope you have a Merry Christmas.
I agree with this. On the face of it, your reaction is a little extreme. I understand that the lack of communication would be frustrating but at the same time, it doesn't sound like you communicated your expectations either? But whether we think you are overreacting is not really relevant - Something here was triggering for you and that's totally valid. Trauma is rarely logical or reasonable. You might benefit from discussing with your therapist to better understand the trigger and how to move forward. Good luck
Load More Replies... You can't be an AHole for feeling things. It's what you actually DO that can make you an Ahole.
I agree with this, and the way you did respond was very positive for how you felt. Not the A.
Load More Replies... I think this would usually be okay if the family dynamics were different. But with the situation being as it is its very likely the mom did this to stomp boundaries and have it her way, generating a situation where OP couldn't say anything without hurting the kids and again going along with what her mom wanted. The nicest gesture can be weaponized and be harmful when it's done in bad faith and it's something that controlling parents love to do. It's called love bombing. They willfully ignore boundaries and requests in a way that looks kind, but still is a violation of trust and agreements. They also rope the complete family in and turn them into flying monkeys if the person they're ignoring tries to fight back. That's why controlling behaviour from toxic parents is so hard to fight. They explicitly aim to make other people extra happy to pressure the one person trying to set boundaries into going along. Stay away from internet. Talk to your therapist.
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