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Finding out that you have cancer is a tragedy. And it’s natural for your loved ones to support you during this incredibly tough time. That being said, having a life-changing disease doesn’t give you a blank cheque to do whatever you want to other people. You still need to be respectful and mindful of their boundaries.
One mom opened up to the AITA community about a particularly sensitive drama in her family. She revealed how her cousin, who has cancer, wanted to playact being a mom, so she asked to ‘borrow’ her baby for a few weeks. When the mom felt creeped out and refused this, the entire family was outraged. You’ll find the full story, including the internet’s reactions, below.
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Being diagnosed with cancer can completely upend your life. However, it doesn’t give you the right to treat people however you like
Image credits: Thirdman / Pexels (not the actual photo)
One woman shared how her cousin, who has cancer and wanted to experience being a mom, tried to pressure her into ‘lending’ her baby for a few weeks
Image credits: Daiga Ellaby / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Klara Kulikova / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Later, the author shared an important update about the fallout in her family
Image credits: ApprehensiveGoose179
Image credits: Nini FromParis / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Boundaries are absolutely essential in all of your relationships. They help build trust, and respecting them means that you care about the other person
It is horrendous and traumatic what the woman’s cousin went through. So, it’s understandable that the cancer patient wanted to truly seize life and make the most of the time she had left. This is why she had a symbolic wedding and also why she wanted to experience being a mother firsthand.
However, taking a baby away from its family for a few weeks just so you can pretend to be a mom is a hard ask in any circumstances. Not only is it awkward and slightly creepy, but you have to ask yourself if you’re putting the baby’s needs first.
In this particular case, it feels like the baby’s (and its parents!) needs would have been put on the back burner just to make the cancer patient feel better. Not only that, but when the child’s mother drew a line in the sand and refused to honor this bizarre wish, her cousin’s family started hounding her for supposedly being selfish.
As harsh as it sounds, being diagnosed with a serious illness doesn’t give you the right to trample over other people’s boundaries, disrespect them, or treat them as you would never allow yourself to be treated.
Being told ‘no’ doesn’t mean that someone doesn’t care about you or that they don’t love you. Enforcing boundaries simply means that you get on the same page in terms of respecting each other’s wants and needs.
Boundaries help you build trust, and respecting them is how others can show that they care about you and your well-being. If someone says ‘no’ upon hearing your request, accept their answer because they’ve set a very clear boundary.
Someone who constantly says ‘yes’ to other people’s requests even though they want to say ‘no,’ a real people-pleaser, ends up burnt out, frustrated, and with unmet needs. It’s unhealthy.
As Verywell Mind stresses, boundaries can be emotional, physical, intellectual, financial, or spiritual. They can also be related to time, space, and energy.
When someone sets a boundary, they set out what is (not) acceptable to them, how they prefer to communicate, how they want to be treated, how they’d like to be spoken to and engaged with, and how much they’re willing to participate in activities.
Image credits: Daniel Martinez / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
If someone says ‘no’ to your request, it’s healthiest to accept their decision. You can offer your opinion on their boundary if it seems too harsh, but you still need to respect their autonomy
Someone who isn’t used to others setting boundaries, or whose personal boundaries are different, can react to them in a variety of ways, from surprise and anger to pain, confusion, and even acceptance.
According to Dr. Meghan Marcum, chief psychologist at AMFM Healthcare, people set boundaries for their safety. Meanwhile, disrespecting boundaries can significantly harm relationships. It can lead to conflict, emotional distress, and avoidance of each other.
“You may not understand why someone has a boundary in place and it may differ from what is acceptable to you. Regardless, each person has a right to set their own limits. Ignoring a boundary is essentially a form of violating someone’s rights,” she explains.
If you want to be more respectful of other people’s boundaries, there are a few things that you can consistently do. For instance, instead of assuming something, you can ask the person upfront about how they’d feel if you did one thing or another.
It’s also helpful to pay attention to a person’s non-verbal cues, like their tone and body language, not just what they say. They might signal discomfort with something that you do despite their words.
In the meantime, it’s important to remember not to take someone’s boundaries personally. Verywell Mind stresses that a boundary being set doesn’t necessarily mean that you did something wrong or that the person doesn’t like you.
Meanwhile, take the time to try to understand the person’s reasons behind setting the boundary in the first place. Even if you don’t agree with them, their needs might be different. While you can offer your opinion if you think the boundary is too rigid, it’s essential that you come from a place of compassion. At the end of the day, that person will be the one to decide what’s best for them.
“We’ve all been guilty of thinking we know what’s best for others. Even though our intentions may be genuine and we may simply be looking out for them, we need to trust them and respect their right to their autonomy. Even if things don’t go well for them, it’s important to let them make their own mistakes,” Verywell Mind states.
Once you’ve finished reading the story and the internet’s reactions and suggestions, we’d like to hear from you in the comments, Pandas. What do you think of the entire situation? Who do you think was in the wrong and why? How would you react if a sick relative of yours asked for a very uncomfortable favor? How do you protect your boundaries when it comes to your loved ones?
The woman shared more context in the comments of her post, as people’s comments came pouring in
People were shocked when they read what happened. Here’s their perspective
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What do you think ?
FreeTheUnicorn 5 hours ago
NC with any family that support treating a child like a prop. But nearly as strange is that they had a symbolic wedding instead of actually getting married. I have to guess it's because she's not adequately compos mentis to sign legal documents. (Otherwise why not just sign the papers?) So she's obviously not mentally well enough to look after a child even if this wasn't an inherently selfish thing to do.
Zoe Vokes 5 hours ago
Or it could be that he didn’t want to marry her and be saddled with all her medical bills or make her exempt from whatever financial system was funding her treatment
Load More Replies...
Anne Roberts 5 hours ago
You don't "borrow" a baby! It's not like borrowing a car or a sweater. A baby.is a person with wants and needs that it has a hard time expressing. If the cousin is dying that is also a red flag. Will the baby be neglected if she isn't feeling well or doing chemo? Who will take care of the baby if/when she is incapacitated? NO. No. No. I'm sorry she is terminal. I lost my son 10 months ago and it is brutal. I can't list enough reasons why this is weird AF.
FreeTheUnicorn 5 hours ago
NC with any family that support treating a child like a prop. But nearly as strange is that they had a symbolic wedding instead of actually getting married. I have to guess it's because she's not adequately compos mentis to sign legal documents. (Otherwise why not just sign the papers?) So she's obviously not mentally well enough to look after a child even if this wasn't an inherently selfish thing to do.
Zoe Vokes 5 hours ago
Or it could be that he didn’t want to marry her and be saddled with all her medical bills or make her exempt from whatever financial system was funding her treatment
Load More Replies... Anne Roberts 5 hours ago
You don't "borrow" a baby! It's not like borrowing a car or a sweater. A baby.is a person with wants and needs that it has a hard time expressing. If the cousin is dying that is also a red flag. Will the baby be neglected if she isn't feeling well or doing chemo? Who will take care of the baby if/when she is incapacitated? NO. No. No. I'm sorry she is terminal. I lost my son 10 months ago and it is brutal. I can't list enough reasons why this is weird AF.
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