In-Laws Create Chaos In Family As They Harass Their Son’s Fiancée Over Keeping Her Maiden Name
“Words can hurt.” We all know this saying. And probably all of us, or at least the majority, know that it’s true.
The woman from today’s story can agree with it, too. She was hurt by the people from the family she was marrying into because she wasn’t planning on taking her fiancé’s last name after the wedding, as it wasn’t even legal in her home country. And who wouldn’t be hurt after getting called a B-word by people you thought would never do that, right?
More info: Reddit
In some contexts, women planning to not take their husband’s name is quite a controversial topic
Image credits: Gayani Anuththara (not the actual photo)
Like a Belgian author’s American fiancé’s family, who got truly enraged when they heard that the woman wasn’t changing her surname after the wedding
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/aitafem
They called her a nasty slur and insinuated that their country was better than the one she was from
The post’s author and her fiancé were together for 5 years when these events took place. They met while he was on an exchange program in the OP’s country — Belgium. He loved it there so much that he decided to move to Belgium from the US.
Since the couple was living in Belgium, after the wedding, the OP couldn’t legally change her surname to her husband’s. So, the couple decided to tell this to the man’s parents during a Zoom call. The OP explained everything very calmly, but the reaction she got back wasn’t as calm.
The fiancé’s mom started screaming, accusing the woman of various out-of-pocket things and insulting her heritage. Then, the future father-in-law fueled the fire by calling the OP a “petty feminist B-word,” and the couple left the call. This left the woman very, very shocked, as she never expected to be insulted just because she was going to keep her maiden name.
And it didn’t end with the call. Over the next couple of days, the in-laws kept sending the post’s author hateful messages, and they also got some of the other family members to join in.
The OP’s parents offered to look for administrative ways to change her surname, as there were some possible solutions, but it wasn’t a choice for her, as she simply didn’t want to do that. Yet, it left her conflicted, as she didn’t want to fight with her future in-laws because of it.
Well, by looking at the comments and the update posted a bit later, it’s quite clear that the folks on the internet cleared out the grayness of the situation for the woman. They proved to her she was doing the right thing by not giving in to the wishes of her in-laws and staying on her own course. After all, it’s her name, not anyone else’s.
Image credits: alexandre saraiva carniato (not the actual photo)
While we fully agree with the sentiment that the woman must choose what kind of surname she wants to live with, we still have to acknowledge that it wasn’t possible for women back in the day.
For instance, going back to the Middle Ages (yes, so far back), there was an Anglo-American common law concept called Coverture. It meant that a married woman had no independent legal existence of her own — she was merged with that of her husband. Of course, this also included her surname, if she had one.
Fortunately, over time, women were able to achieve more and more rights through various reforms. Still, some leftover bias from such patriarchal systems like the one we talked about still exists even today.
The perfect example of it is people like the OP’s in-laws. They believe that a woman should take her man’s surname in order to show a “real” dedication. Even though there are plenty of other choices available (which, sadly, seems like nonsense to these people):
- Keeping your name;
- A husband taking his wife’s surname instead;
- One or both partners using hyphenated surnames;
- Merging surnames or coming up with a new one.
We don’t live in the middle ages anymore. Everyone should be able to choose what they want to do with their name after committing to a partner without being guilted into one choice or another. Yet, currently, that’s not a thing that some people seem to comprehend.
Fortunately, the folks online supported the woman’s stance on not getting pressured into changing her name and motivated her to not let them belittle her country
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These people are insane àssholes and not representative of the US. And who the hèll would say Belgium is a "peasant country" or even use the term at all? Madness.
I'm pretty sure they wear MAGA hats and worship their orange god in the Cult of Trump.
Load More Replies...
If "respecting someones culture" involves them screaming at you and calling you names when you make a choice that affects you greatly, that is not a cultural musunderstanding. Besides, what culture is "feminist b***h" exactly?
As an American, I just want to say that this family’s reactions are not normal here. Most people don’t take this stuff personally, and those who do are usually seen as unreasonable. Many women actually keep their maiden names here even though they don’t have to, like my own mother did.
In the US, it's not uncommon for someone to keep their own name. My friend group it's about 30% who have changed their names, but only one of those has a good relationship with her dad and his family, others couldn't wait to end the association. This is a close friend group but spread over 3 states and with wide ranging irgins (ethnicity, hometown) so a decent sample. So don't excuse these MAGA tradwife people with it's American culture. It's been decades since it was weird to keep your own name. I'm sorry for OP, in laws are going to be dismissive of her culture throughout. Just hope husband sees it for what it is and sets/sticks to firm boundaries as it comes up.
Above is legally, socially people are usually ok with whichever. My partner and I aren't married and our friends tend to use the last name for both of us if the friend they knew first, so my friends my name and his friends his name. Our married friends do the same. Socially it isn't a big deal, but officially leaving your own identity to absorb your husband's is a big thing.
Load More Replies... Belgian here, it's not "the law" here for a woman to keep her maiden name. The administration just leaves you the choice and most just don't bother with the procedure.
They sound like uneducated hillbillies! The US ain't got nothing on Belgium. And this is coming from an American. Roughly half of my married friends elected not to take their husband's name. It's 2024. No one gives a rat's a$$. My sister in law didn't take our family name either. My parents could not have cared less. Their kids have the same last name as my brother and I, but we all would have been fine with them having SIL's name instead.
I didn't change my name when I got married (at 30) for several reasons but mostly related to being the last in my family with the name. Husband was supportive, in-laws were passive aggressive (introduced me with his last name, sent cards and invitations addressed to Mr and Mrs His-Last-Name, etc.). Eventually it stopped. Around the time I turned 50, I re-evaluated my reasons and decided to change my name. Husband was surprised how happy he was. The in-laws apparently decided behind my back that I was only ever testing the marriage or that I had cheated on him. I'm not sure which of their responses was actually worse - before change or after. But my husband and I are very happy, and they are a very small, insignificant part of our lives so they can think whatever they need to think.
It's the same here in France. You can, as I do, use your "married" name for convenience, but your name on all official papers remains the one you were born with, often with "spouse XXX" being added, but that's not compulsory.
Now you know why he’s moving to a different country an ocean away from his family. He still responds when they push his buttons so you will need to be very clear about boundaries with him.
American here, married to a French Canadian. She kept her maiden name when we got married mainly because it would have made immigration complicated AF. But even if we were both from the same country, it would not matter one bit to me what she chose for her last name - she's still my sweet patootie regardless of what her name is. Also - I have been to Belgium - Flanders region (Antwerp, Turnhout, etc). Did not encounter any peasants. Only wonderful people with wonderful attitudes, food, and beer. 10/10 would Belgium again.
Strong MAGA vibes from the future in-laws, with their talk of Belgium being "a country of peasants" that will "never be as good as the US". I mean, who talks like that? Also, married name / maiden name, it doesn't matter to me. My wife took my name, but I told her that she didn't have to - because it wouldn't change anything about our relationship, but it would also save her a lifetime of people messing it up (we are from different cultures, and I live in her country).
If I was the fiancé, I would write my parents and say "Dear Mom and Dad, I've decided that you are right that a husband and wife should share the same last name. So I'm changing mine to hers. Thanks for your wise guidance in this matter. Love, your son."
Ignorant mouthbreathing yanks. The only one in a position to make ultimatums is the author.
I cannot BELIEVE this is still going on here in the US. I was married almost 30 years ago and kept my maiden name. My husband and my in-laws were absolutely okay with this. My mother-in-law was delighted actually. It made so much sense, I didn't have to go through all the rigmarole it would have needed to change name to his. Thirty years!
We have a former first lady in the US who used her maiden name professionally until her husband was running for POTUS and the trolls started up on her. There is absolutely NO law that requires a woman to take the husband's name.
It's not just Belgium. Canada is like this, too. My parents married in the 1960s. My mum was always known by her married name - it's on everything..... except what comes from the government. As far as they're concerned, her maiden name is her legal name, because she never went through the process to change it.
These people are insane àssholes and not representative of the US. And who the hèll would say Belgium is a "peasant country" or even use the term at all? Madness.
I'm pretty sure they wear MAGA hats and worship their orange god in the Cult of Trump.
Load More Replies... If "respecting someones culture" involves them screaming at you and calling you names when you make a choice that affects you greatly, that is not a cultural musunderstanding. Besides, what culture is "feminist b***h" exactly?
As an American, I just want to say that this family’s reactions are not normal here. Most people don’t take this stuff personally, and those who do are usually seen as unreasonable. Many women actually keep their maiden names here even though they don’t have to, like my own mother did.
In the US, it's not uncommon for someone to keep their own name. My friend group it's about 30% who have changed their names, but only one of those has a good relationship with her dad and his family, others couldn't wait to end the association. This is a close friend group but spread over 3 states and with wide ranging irgins (ethnicity, hometown) so a decent sample. So don't excuse these MAGA tradwife people with it's American culture. It's been decades since it was weird to keep your own name. I'm sorry for OP, in laws are going to be dismissive of her culture throughout. Just hope husband sees it for what it is and sets/sticks to firm boundaries as it comes up.
Above is legally, socially people are usually ok with whichever. My partner and I aren't married and our friends tend to use the last name for both of us if the friend they knew first, so my friends my name and his friends his name. Our married friends do the same. Socially it isn't a big deal, but officially leaving your own identity to absorb your husband's is a big thing.
Load More Replies... Belgian here, it's not "the law" here for a woman to keep her maiden name. The administration just leaves you the choice and most just don't bother with the procedure.
They sound like uneducated hillbillies! The US ain't got nothing on Belgium. And this is coming from an American. Roughly half of my married friends elected not to take their husband's name. It's 2024. No one gives a rat's a$$. My sister in law didn't take our family name either. My parents could not have cared less. Their kids have the same last name as my brother and I, but we all would have been fine with them having SIL's name instead.
I didn't change my name when I got married (at 30) for several reasons but mostly related to being the last in my family with the name. Husband was supportive, in-laws were passive aggressive (introduced me with his last name, sent cards and invitations addressed to Mr and Mrs His-Last-Name, etc.). Eventually it stopped. Around the time I turned 50, I re-evaluated my reasons and decided to change my name. Husband was surprised how happy he was. The in-laws apparently decided behind my back that I was only ever testing the marriage or that I had cheated on him. I'm not sure which of their responses was actually worse - before change or after. But my husband and I are very happy, and they are a very small, insignificant part of our lives so they can think whatever they need to think.
It's the same here in France. You can, as I do, use your "married" name for convenience, but your name on all official papers remains the one you were born with, often with "spouse XXX" being added, but that's not compulsory.
Now you know why he’s moving to a different country an ocean away from his family. He still responds when they push his buttons so you will need to be very clear about boundaries with him.
American here, married to a French Canadian. She kept her maiden name when we got married mainly because it would have made immigration complicated AF. But even if we were both from the same country, it would not matter one bit to me what she chose for her last name - she's still my sweet patootie regardless of what her name is. Also - I have been to Belgium - Flanders region (Antwerp, Turnhout, etc). Did not encounter any peasants. Only wonderful people with wonderful attitudes, food, and beer. 10/10 would Belgium again.
Strong MAGA vibes from the future in-laws, with their talk of Belgium being "a country of peasants" that will "never be as good as the US". I mean, who talks like that? Also, married name / maiden name, it doesn't matter to me. My wife took my name, but I told her that she didn't have to - because it wouldn't change anything about our relationship, but it would also save her a lifetime of people messing it up (we are from different cultures, and I live in her country).
If I was the fiancé, I would write my parents and say "Dear Mom and Dad, I've decided that you are right that a husband and wife should share the same last name. So I'm changing mine to hers. Thanks for your wise guidance in this matter. Love, your son."
Ignorant mouthbreathing yanks. The only one in a position to make ultimatums is the author.
I cannot BELIEVE this is still going on here in the US. I was married almost 30 years ago and kept my maiden name. My husband and my in-laws were absolutely okay with this. My mother-in-law was delighted actually. It made so much sense, I didn't have to go through all the rigmarole it would have needed to change name to his. Thirty years!
We have a former first lady in the US who used her maiden name professionally until her husband was running for POTUS and the trolls started up on her. There is absolutely NO law that requires a woman to take the husband's name.
It's not just Belgium. Canada is like this, too. My parents married in the 1960s. My mum was always known by her married name - it's on everything..... except what comes from the government. As far as they're concerned, her maiden name is her legal name, because she never went through the process to change it.
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