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“I Hoped Someone Would Say They’re Proud Of Me”: Family Ruins Woman’s Celebration
Interview With ExpertFor many recovering alcoholics, one year sober is a massive milestone. After putting in the work and taking it one day at a time, they’ve finally reached 365 days without touching a drop of alcohol. It’s a reason to be proud. And to celebrate.
But when one woman shared the news with her family, they were less than impressed. Her mom told her not to expect praise for doing the bare minimum. Her brother-in-law opened a bottle of wine. The woman stormed out of the family dinner, but not before grabbing a cake she’d brought. She’s since been called childish and is wondering whether her actions were justified. Bored Panda spoke to addiction specialist Nicholas Axcell from Harmony Clinic for his take on the matter.
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Celebrating milestones is an important part of the addiction recovery journey
Image credits: Manny Moreno / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
But when one woman shared her significant day with her family, they just shrugged it off
Image credits: Anna Morgan / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pablo Merchán Montes / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Natallia Nagorniak / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: deffonotarichb**ch
Recovering addicts often celebrate their sobriety anniversaries with a cake
Image credits: Natalie Behn / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
The woman said she brought the cake to celebrate her accomplishment. It’s a common way in which recovering alcoholics mark important milestones. The tradition was started by Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), a globally renowned 12-step recovery program.
The program encourages addicts to tackle the sobriety journey one day at a time, and one step at a time. They celebrate members’ milestones in meetings. From 24 hours sober to 10 years sober, each accomplishment is seen as something to be proud of.
Nicholas Axcell is an addiction specialist and the Head of International Development for the Harmony Healthcare Group. It’s a hospital group specializing in treating addiction, dual diagnosis and psychiatric conditions.
“I think it is an achievement to get into recovery, and milestones can help recognize that achievement and be a motivation and recognition of how far a person has come,” Axcell told Bored Panda during our interview.
The expert says families don’t always understand that the milestones are in fact a big deal. “It’s very important for families to be involved in family therapy or support groups to educate themselves if possible,” said Axcell. “Sometimes, sadly, families aren’t supportive and the person in recovery has to put their own boundaries in place to protect themselves.”
Axcell told Bored Panda that the woman shouldn’t be discouraged by her family’s reaction, and that he’d advise her to lean on her own peer support or professionals to stay motivated in her recovery journey.
“Any length of sobriety for someone with an addiction is applaudable, but the first year is always special,” notes the Recovering Champions website.
Members of AA will often celebrate their sobriety “birthdays” with a cake and a ceremony during meetings. Axcell says milestones can be marked with “a chip from fellowships, a cake, a meal with recovery friends.”
According to California-based treatment center Wildwood Recovery, the cake symbolizes the individual’s progress in their recovery journey, and helps encourage others.
“The cake is typically cut into small pieces and shared with other members of the meeting, representing the support and fellowship that is central to the 12-step program,” reads the center’s website.
While the woman later revealed she wasn’t a member of AA, she still wanted a symbol to mark her one-year milestone and she would have liked to have shared it with those close to her.
Image credits: Jayson Hinrichsen / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
According to Recovering Champions, there are various ways for family and friends to congratulate a loved one when they hit the one year sober mark. And doing so can help them to stay motivated during their recovery journey.
One of the most important things you can do, which the woman’s family failed to do, is express pride. “By expressing pride in their time and acknowledging that maintaining sobriety isn’t easy, they are reminded that despite the challenges they’ve faced they’re still sober, and that’s a wonderful accomplishment,” notes Recovering Champions’ site.
It’s also good to provide support, help and companionship as the person works towards the next milestone. This can come in the form of assisting them with their resume, driving them to appointments, offering to attend meetings with them, or even just lending an ear.
Experts say it’s important to not be judgmental and to be an active listener. It can also help if you ask what their triggers are so that you can avoid them. Opening a bottle of wine when they announce their one-year sobriety anniversary might very well be one of them.
The woman provided some more info on her alcoholism in the comments
“I’m genuinely proud of you”: netizens showered the woman with praise and congratulations
“Find a group who understands”: some people felt everyone involved could have done better
“Don’t expect non-addicts to give you cookies”: not everyone was sympathetic
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What do you think ?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 10 months ago
As someone who is a recovering addict (coming up on 4 years clean) I cannot even express how infuriating it was to read that one comment that said "Being one year sober may be something you're proud of, but for the rest of us it's just living our lives." First off, everyone's journey towards sobriety is different, and it is incredibly offensive for anyone to dismiss someone's sincere sobriety achievement, especially a long one like a year. And "Getting into a difficult gymnastics program is an achievement. Being sober is what you're supposed to do as a functioning adult." That sure sounds nice, and in a perfect world of rainbow unicorns, no one would become an addict or alcoholic. But this is actual reality, where substance abuse happens, and it's not something to be ashamed of or shunned for. Sobriety IS an achievement, and an incredibly difficult one. Way more kids get into gymnastics programs than addicts/alcoholics actually achieve lasting sobriety.
Parmeisan 10 months ago (edited)
Exactly! All things are easy or hard depending on your own journey. When Person A gets a scholarship and is able to focus 100% of their attention on their classes and graduates, of course we should celebrate it, but when Person B does it while working a job and raising a kid alone, then they've worked a hell of a lot harder and that should be recognized. Similarly for someone who just finds their subject easy vs someone who has to study hard because they want it badly enough to overcome the fact that it's hard. Sober is easy for me because I've always hated the taste of alcohol. So for ME, it's just living my life. But I'm not stupid or arrogant enough to dismiss the trials of others. Addiction is a legitimate trial and everyone who overcomes it for any length of time deserves celebration.
Load More Replies...
Lene 10 months ago
Even if the family didn't think of OP's sobriety as a great and fantastic thing, why was it so hard for them to just give a hug, say congratulations and that they are happy and proud for OP? I am sure that niece wouldn't mind ALSO celebrating OP. It's not like the family had to sacrifice more than 5min for OP's milestone. She brought the cake and wanted to share it as her celebration. They couldn't even do that. And those commentors who said that YTA because being sober for a year is the bare minimum for an adult.... ehhmm... I am quite sure that addiction makes it really hard to do anything "bare minimum for an adult". I am not an addict myself but I have known several and it sounds heartbreakingly hard to try to take control of the addiction. I am proud of OP for being one year sober.
Kathrin Pukowsky 10 months ago
The funny thing is that most non-addicted adults don't even reach that "bare minimum" of being sober for an entire year. And when you point that out the response is usually something like "Well *I* don't have a problem, so I don't need to", but if it's the bare minimum, why not just do it? But anyway, if somebody announced that they just reached their arglflab in grumbjlism, and I had no clue what they're talking about, I would still congratulate them. And then ask what it is, because A. I'm curious, and B. they will most likely love the opportunity to tell me all about it.
Load More Replies... Secret Squirrel 10 months ago
They don't care about your sobriety because they didn't care about your drinking, or how it was impacting your life. It's not going to change, unfortunately you just have to lower expectations, and consider lowering contact level.
Amy S 10 months ago
You've hit the nail on the head. They didn't care about OP's drinking because it didn't directly affect them.
Load More Replies...
KatSaidWhat 10 months ago
Those YTA have never been [addicted] or being in relationships with someone who is and have NO F*****G IDEA how hard it is to get off that spiral. One year is massive. At peak addiction, one day is a huge deal. Sure, it might mean nothing to those who don't understand the disease and it's ramifications but if someone tells you they have achieved something, no matter how irrelevant to you, at least acknowledge their pride. And this is a big deal for OP. I hope she enjoyed that cake.
Chris the Bobcat 10 months ago
In my experience, putting distance, whether physical or emotional, without actually making a declaration of doing so is a good indicator of people. The ones to whom you matter will reach out when they realize how long it's been. The rest generally fade away, which I've found is seldom a great loss.
Seedy Vine 10 months ago
Congrats OP on your one-year sober anniversary! With relatives like that, I can see why you used to drink!
Tamra 10 months ago
It sounds like OP's family not only doesn't understand addiction, but never even thought she had a problem in the first place. I know she's not into AA, but one of the many benefits of going to meetings is that you find an incredibly supportive network of people who do understand you, who do understand addiction, and can help lift you up and celebrate your achievements. Doesn't sound like her family will ever be that supportive for her, so I hope she finds ways to celebrate and appreciate her achievements without them.
Bacon Tentacles 10 months ago
Gotta wonder if any of the YTA voters have ever struggled with addiction, ever. Guessing not. F**k 'em. NTA.
Robert Benson 10 months ago
It's always a risk to expect anything from other people. Empathy seems to be in short supply these days. :( It's safer to look inward and praise yourself for your achievements. You know what it took to get to where you are. Rewards yourself first, then inform others and gauge their reactions.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 10 months ago
As someone who is a recovering addict (coming up on 4 years clean) I cannot even express how infuriating it was to read that one comment that said "Being one year sober may be something you're proud of, but for the rest of us it's just living our lives." First off, everyone's journey towards sobriety is different, and it is incredibly offensive for anyone to dismiss someone's sincere sobriety achievement, especially a long one like a year. And "Getting into a difficult gymnastics program is an achievement. Being sober is what you're supposed to do as a functioning adult." That sure sounds nice, and in a perfect world of rainbow unicorns, no one would become an addict or alcoholic. But this is actual reality, where substance abuse happens, and it's not something to be ashamed of or shunned for. Sobriety IS an achievement, and an incredibly difficult one. Way more kids get into gymnastics programs than addicts/alcoholics actually achieve lasting sobriety.
Parmeisan 10 months ago (edited)
Exactly! All things are easy or hard depending on your own journey. When Person A gets a scholarship and is able to focus 100% of their attention on their classes and graduates, of course we should celebrate it, but when Person B does it while working a job and raising a kid alone, then they've worked a hell of a lot harder and that should be recognized. Similarly for someone who just finds their subject easy vs someone who has to study hard because they want it badly enough to overcome the fact that it's hard. Sober is easy for me because I've always hated the taste of alcohol. So for ME, it's just living my life. But I'm not stupid or arrogant enough to dismiss the trials of others. Addiction is a legitimate trial and everyone who overcomes it for any length of time deserves celebration.
Load More Replies... Lene 10 months ago
Even if the family didn't think of OP's sobriety as a great and fantastic thing, why was it so hard for them to just give a hug, say congratulations and that they are happy and proud for OP? I am sure that niece wouldn't mind ALSO celebrating OP. It's not like the family had to sacrifice more than 5min for OP's milestone. She brought the cake and wanted to share it as her celebration. They couldn't even do that. And those commentors who said that YTA because being sober for a year is the bare minimum for an adult.... ehhmm... I am quite sure that addiction makes it really hard to do anything "bare minimum for an adult". I am not an addict myself but I have known several and it sounds heartbreakingly hard to try to take control of the addiction. I am proud of OP for being one year sober.
Kathrin Pukowsky 10 months ago
The funny thing is that most non-addicted adults don't even reach that "bare minimum" of being sober for an entire year. And when you point that out the response is usually something like "Well *I* don't have a problem, so I don't need to", but if it's the bare minimum, why not just do it? But anyway, if somebody announced that they just reached their arglflab in grumbjlism, and I had no clue what they're talking about, I would still congratulate them. And then ask what it is, because A. I'm curious, and B. they will most likely love the opportunity to tell me all about it.
Load More Replies... Secret Squirrel 10 months ago
They don't care about your sobriety because they didn't care about your drinking, or how it was impacting your life. It's not going to change, unfortunately you just have to lower expectations, and consider lowering contact level.
Amy S 10 months ago
You've hit the nail on the head. They didn't care about OP's drinking because it didn't directly affect them.
Load More Replies... KatSaidWhat 10 months ago
Those YTA have never been [addicted] or being in relationships with someone who is and have NO F*****G IDEA how hard it is to get off that spiral. One year is massive. At peak addiction, one day is a huge deal. Sure, it might mean nothing to those who don't understand the disease and it's ramifications but if someone tells you they have achieved something, no matter how irrelevant to you, at least acknowledge their pride. And this is a big deal for OP. I hope she enjoyed that cake.
Chris the Bobcat 10 months ago
In my experience, putting distance, whether physical or emotional, without actually making a declaration of doing so is a good indicator of people. The ones to whom you matter will reach out when they realize how long it's been. The rest generally fade away, which I've found is seldom a great loss.
Seedy Vine 10 months ago
Congrats OP on your one-year sober anniversary! With relatives like that, I can see why you used to drink!
Tamra 10 months ago
It sounds like OP's family not only doesn't understand addiction, but never even thought she had a problem in the first place. I know she's not into AA, but one of the many benefits of going to meetings is that you find an incredibly supportive network of people who do understand you, who do understand addiction, and can help lift you up and celebrate your achievements. Doesn't sound like her family will ever be that supportive for her, so I hope she finds ways to celebrate and appreciate her achievements without them.
Bacon Tentacles 10 months ago
Gotta wonder if any of the YTA voters have ever struggled with addiction, ever. Guessing not. F**k 'em. NTA.
Robert Benson 10 months ago
It's always a risk to expect anything from other people. Empathy seems to be in short supply these days. :( It's safer to look inward and praise yourself for your achievements. You know what it took to get to where you are. Rewards yourself first, then inform others and gauge their reactions.
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