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27
“I Don’t Know What To Do”: Woman Hates How Her Married Life Is Going, Asks For Advice
Interview With Expert
At the start of a romantic relationship, everything appears new and exciting, but as the couple begins to settle down and fall into their routine, things may feel a little too comfortable, boring even. Knowing what to do when that happens can be confusing and challenging, which may lead to arguments and bad decisions.
This woman also started to feel like her relationship had been drained of all the excitement it had in the beginning. Unsure of what to do about it, she turned online for unbiased advice, and netizens definitely delivered.
Scroll down to find the full story and conversation with licensed marriage and family therapists MoAndra Johnson and Yuki Shida, who kindly agreed to share some advice on what to do when relationships get a little dull.
RELATED:
When a couple falls into a routine, the relationship might start feeling a little dull
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages/Envato (not the actual photo)
As it happened with this couple, and the wife just can’t figure out what to do about it
Image credits: stockbusters/Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Anonymous
“Too much routine without intentional connection can start to feel stale”
Image credits: Victoria Romulo/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Both our interviewed licensed marriage and family therapists say that it’s completely normal for a long-term relationship to start feeling a little dull. “Most relationships fall into a routine at some point, and that sense of predictability can actually feel safe and comforting. But too much routine without intentional connection can start to feel stale,” explains licensed marriage and family therapist MoAndra Johnson.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Yuki Shida adds that this is especially true for young adults, as they’re going through so much growth and change in their careers, living situations, friendships, and just trying to figure out adulting in general.
“An unfortunate side effect is they might suddenly find that their relationship hasn’t been growing at the same rate. This can be rooted in lack of novelty, unmet needs, or unresolved conflicts,” she says.
Johnson also mentions that boredom in relationships often comes up when couples stop putting in the energy to stay connected. “Work, family, and daily stress can push the relationship aside. Sometimes people forget that we’re always growing and changing, and we need to keep learning about each other.”
When boredom enters a relationship, it doesn’t mean that the relationship is failing, even though it might feel like it. It’s a sign that the couple should invest more time in each other, says Johnson. “It’s feedback, not failure. The strongest couples keep choosing each other in new ways and stay curious about who their partner is becoming.”
“Most couples just need to work on getting to know one another again”
Image credits: Polina Kuzovkova/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
So when a couple starts feeling like the spark is fading in their relationship, instead of blaming each other, they should talk openly about it and get curious together, Johnson advises. “What’s missing? When did you last try something new together or ask each other different questions? Small changes like planning an out-of-the-ordinary date or exploring a new hobby together can help. If things feel stuck, working with a couples therapist can help you find new ways to reconnect.”
Meanwhile, Shida recommends couples imagine their relationships as a house.
“If your relationship was a house that you built together, what are the areas that might need some reinforcement or some repairs? In mild cases of boredom, most couples just need to work on getting to know one another again. In tougher cases, the trust or commitment levels of the relationship may be in trouble. As a healthy preventative measure, couples should strive to have play and adventure as a regular part of their relationship, have good communication skills, and seek professional help when needed.”
During the journey to recovering excitement in the relationship, it’s important that partners avoid blaming each other. “Try not to treat boredom like it’s someone’s fault. Also, don’t assume that boredom means the love is gone. It usually just means you’re ready for something to shift or grow. Be careful not to look for excitement only outside the relationship. Focus on how you can bring it back together,” Johnson advises.
“Avoid blaming statements and absolute statements, like ‘You never initiate dates anymore.’ Avoid defensiveness, contempt, criticism, and shutting out the other person (these are the classic no-nos from research),” adds Shida. “Do not avoid talking about this problem, especially when it is in the early stage, as that is when it is easiest to resolve!”
The original poster provided more information in the comments
Commenters advised the wife to check on her husband
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What do you think ?
Melissa Harris 6 days ago (edited)
He's either severely depressed or he wants out of the marriage. People that resistant to therapy are usually afraid of being forced to confront whatever it is that's causing their issues.
Adam 6 days ago (edited)
So many of these responses are 'tell him he has to...', 'this needs to be fixed....' The guy works really hard, almost definitely contributing a lot to the partnership. I might be wrong but I think he needs appreciation, to be told that she sees the things he does and loves him for it. Also small acts of kindness - making him a drink on a hot day or when he gets back from work, giving him a head/back/foot rub etc. It's amazing how often 1 partner expects these things but wouldn't give them in return. Also when I had depression my friends would come round and make me come out, dragging me along to make sure I had fun and started enjoying life again. I didn't get that when being depressed in a relationship, the going out was still expected but it wasn't because she wanted me to feel better, it always felt like how I was feeling wasn't the consideration, what mattered was how I was behaving.
SpiderWoman13 3 days ago (edited)
This was exactly what I came to say... Aren't they BOTH adults? Take charge. If his work depletes him that much, what do you expect? He needs to decompress! No one human being can be everything everytime to someone. She needs to go out and do things instead of expecting them to always do everything together. AS far as s*x is concerned, if it's depression or fatigue at the root of the problem, plan something where he can simply relax. Take a walk together, or share a glass of wine. Make sure his nutrition (and yours) is sound. What a dull woman! She says she loves him more than anything. Then marriage is not the problem; your expectations surrounding marriage are! If he's an introvert, then your idea of fun -- small talk and socializing with other people -- is t0rture for him. And he too, should make an effort -- but someone has to make the first move. She, being the complainant, means the onus is on her.
Load More Replies...
Vinnie 6 days ago
If the husband tried therapy once, does it mean he went to one session and expected immediate results? I had to explain to a young co-worker that he needed to go more than once for it to work. He tried again, went consistently, and felt better.
Emilu 6 days ago
He may not know much about therapy, or he may be ashamed to consider it. As a teenager I was always super ashamed that I was “nuts” enough for people to suggest I go to therapy, I refused. As an adult, I should have. But hindsight and all that.
Load More Replies... Melissa Harris 6 days ago (edited)
He's either severely depressed or he wants out of the marriage. People that resistant to therapy are usually afraid of being forced to confront whatever it is that's causing their issues.
Adam 6 days ago (edited)
So many of these responses are 'tell him he has to...', 'this needs to be fixed....' The guy works really hard, almost definitely contributing a lot to the partnership. I might be wrong but I think he needs appreciation, to be told that she sees the things he does and loves him for it. Also small acts of kindness - making him a drink on a hot day or when he gets back from work, giving him a head/back/foot rub etc. It's amazing how often 1 partner expects these things but wouldn't give them in return. Also when I had depression my friends would come round and make me come out, dragging me along to make sure I had fun and started enjoying life again. I didn't get that when being depressed in a relationship, the going out was still expected but it wasn't because she wanted me to feel better, it always felt like how I was feeling wasn't the consideration, what mattered was how I was behaving.
SpiderWoman13 3 days ago (edited)
This was exactly what I came to say... Aren't they BOTH adults? Take charge. If his work depletes him that much, what do you expect? He needs to decompress! No one human being can be everything everytime to someone. She needs to go out and do things instead of expecting them to always do everything together. AS far as s*x is concerned, if it's depression or fatigue at the root of the problem, plan something where he can simply relax. Take a walk together, or share a glass of wine. Make sure his nutrition (and yours) is sound. What a dull woman! She says she loves him more than anything. Then marriage is not the problem; your expectations surrounding marriage are! If he's an introvert, then your idea of fun -- small talk and socializing with other people -- is t0rture for him. And he too, should make an effort -- but someone has to make the first move. She, being the complainant, means the onus is on her.
Load More Replies... Vinnie 6 days ago
If the husband tried therapy once, does it mean he went to one session and expected immediate results? I had to explain to a young co-worker that he needed to go more than once for it to work. He tried again, went consistently, and felt better.
Emilu 6 days ago
He may not know much about therapy, or he may be ashamed to consider it. As a teenager I was always super ashamed that I was “nuts” enough for people to suggest I go to therapy, I refused. As an adult, I should have. But hindsight and all that.
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